Farmer Chris: Two-on-one goes oh-for-two

Thanks for all the comments last week. Well, there were four of 'em, but I'll take what I can get. Anonymous says s/he gets the impression I'm anti-virgin. Let me address that. I'm not anti-anything except making a big deal out of something personal just to set yourself apart from the others. I guess mostly I'm anti-credo. It has nothing to do with any skills one might or might not possess. I'm all for situational virginity, though.

Oh, right, it's Kelsey weeping on the floor with 9-1-1 on its way. I forgot about that. I love not thinking about the show all week so it's all fresh and new when I tune in. She's freaking out because the cocktail party has been cancelled after her tragic tale was told to Farmer Chris. At least it seems that way. Yes, it's all coming back to me now.

Kelsey would like to talk to Chris. While inhaling oxygen through a mask, she tells her attendant that she's going to get a rose tonight for sure – and laughs! That's quite a turnaround.

Chris to the rescue. She tells him she was just a little overwhelmed. She didn't know he'd bring up their conversation to the girls and cancel the cocktail party. He consoles her and she immediately feels better. They hug. And then kiss. The others felt – quite rightly – this whole thing wasn't fair. Back with the others, she tells them she's embarrassed by her little episode. She laughs and tells them that she was saying such delirious things while she was on the floor. I'm not a medical professional but if she was really delirious, would she remember what she said? That's very lucid delirium, I'd say.

But she's all smiles and jokes now, especially because she's pretty darn sure she's getting a rose. She has no need to worry. She's saying she's sure she'll end up married to Chris and this is where it all starts. It would be so cool if she didn't get a rose. But we know the producers love to keep a crazy around for the drama. So we'll see. No doubt they'll save her for the last rose to build the tension.

Here's the much anticipated rose ceremony. Chris apologizes for cancelling the party. He felt he couldn't give 110% of himself – which is exactly right because it's impossible to give 110%.

Already rosed? Let me check last week's record. They really should remind us of these things. Britt the Dirty Hippy, Cartoon Whitney and Carly the Crooner are all safe from elimination. The roses go in order to:

1. Jade the Playmate
2. Vancouver Girl
3. Megan the World Traveller
4. Becca the Real Virgin
5. Sexy Fake Virgin
6. Kelsey the Koo-Koo Komplainer

Told ya she'd get the last rose. This show is so predictable.

That means Baby Mama Mackenzie and someone named Samantha are going home. Commenter Barbara was right last week. Samantha, we hardly knew ye. Samantha for Bachelorette!!!

Vancouver Girl is pissed off that Kesley is still around. She wanted to punch her right in the "teeth holder." She'd have to wait in line, methinks.

Chubby Chris is putting on his shirt showing off his gut. Then they're off to Deadwood, South Dakota, where Calamity Jane "did her business." I don't really like potty talk, but that's an interesting historical fact anyway, I think you'll agree. At the very least, it's another stamp for Megan's passport.

First date card: Real Virgin Becca gets her first one-on-one date. Kelsey is not happy. "It's not okay," she says. She needs reassurance if she's going to commit herself more. Chris better get on it.

Chris walks through a wheat field prior to his date. A limo arrives on a dirt road and Becca hops out. Chris doesn't care if they kiss or not, he says. But it's probably all Becca can think about. Also: What is it with virgins and fake eyelashes?

They're going horseback riding. Chris thinks Becca looks smoking hot on the horse. She's a natural. Apparently that swaying motion has loosened her up. She's talking kiss.

Carly the Crooner is seething over Kelsey. Ditto Cartoon Whitney, who brings it up with Kelsey. Whitney, Carly and Vancouver Girl ask Kelsey about her asking to speak to Chris and saying she better get a rose out of it while she was lying on the floor. Kelsey laughs nervously then quickly cries. She says she's never had a panic attack before. Still hasn't, as far as I'm concerned.

Understandingly, Kelsey tells the camera, "I get it, I'm blessed with eloquence and I'm articulate and I use a lot of big words because I'm smart." She adds she didn't come on the show to "be defeated"; she came on "to win it." I'm lost in all that big, fancy word-talkin'. She's won me over.

This is taking precedence over the boring date with Becca. The couple sits by a fire roasting kebabs, laughing. Becca loves the Farmer's girly laugh. Chris says it's the "most easy" date he's been on. Ironic considering it's with a virgin.

They talk five-year plans and kids. They both want lots of children. Then the Real Virgin tells about a past relationship. Didn't get much from it. Neither did her former boyfriend, apparently.

Cartoon Whitney, Playmate Jade, the Dirty Hippy, Vancouver Girl, the Crooner and the World Traveller are going on the group date. Meaning Kelsey and the Sexy Fake Virgin are going on the 2-on-1.

Still by the fire, Becca and Blue Balls Chris are still talking. No kissing. Yet. I think he's got dead wood in Deadwood.

He picks up the rose and offers it to her. She accepts and gives him a little kiss and then hugs him. Since that went so well, she decides to go full-blown. She says it "felt right." Then she apologizes to her father. That's a little weird.

Here's the group date. Six girls and the Farmer making "sweet" music together. He tells them country music is a big part of his life. He loves country music. Jade, bless her heart, says she's not really excited. Not sure if that's because she doesn't want to perform or she's simply a music lover.

Two cowboys enter to help them write some tunes. No idea who they are. Cartoon Whitney is starstruck, which tells me something about her and nothing about them.

Carly the Crooner is pumped because she's a singer, "that's what I do." Remember, though, the frontrunners rarely shine in these situations. It's their race to lose.

Jade is caught up in her head. She's got writer's block. Says she's on the "struggle bus." That's redundant, isn't it? Any time you're on a bus, you're struggling. The hipper of the two cowboys gets her up running down the street of Deadwood to get her juices flowing. Now she's feeling comfortable. See, country music is easy.

The Dirty Hippy and Chris are kissing, wrapped in each others' arms, while the others are sitting around trying to pen their ditties. Jade says it's hard to write a love song about somebody when he's clearly really into somebody else. Sounds like a country song to me: "It's so hard to write a love song/ 'bout a man/ when he's into somebody else." Just add a wind-up fiddler and you've got a Nashville hit.

Chris starts it up by showing the ladies how not to do it. He gets on stage with an ancient banjo player. He is awful. Which is to say, he's got what it takes to be a big country star.

The Dirty Hippy goes first. "I can hear that sweet, sweet music playing in my ear whenever you're around... duh duh duh-duh..." She actually sang, "duh duh duh-duh." And Chris actually remarked, "Everything she says in that song is how I feel when I'm with her." But I think Chris is probably often thinking duh, duh, duh-duh.

Cartoon Whitney sings, "Let's have some fun, no whining. That's what our date card said...." No whining? It's country music! Get with the program!

Vancouver Girl rhymed fever with "touch my beaver." Because she's Canadian and the beaver is the national symbol. I have no idea why the network felt the need to bleep out our national symbol.

Megan warbled, "Baby I'm speechless." Good move.

Carly the Crooner sits Chris down and sings to him. Her words spoke straight to Chris' heart, he said. And no, it wasn't "duh duh duh-duh." Don't remember what it was, though. She was pretty good, but that's to be expected, her being a professional cruise ship singer and all. Vancouver Girl says she was almost in love for them.

Jade goes last. She thought it was going to go horribly wrong. "I'm taking a gamble on love in hopes we're two of a kind," she sang. Even though she was awful, she thought it turned out okay. Um, well then. But the rules of The Bachelor are that the most insecure person who gives it a real shot is the winner. We'll see. Because as they keep telling us, there are no rules this season.

Oh, look, Chris says Jade killed it. He sits with her and she tells him she can see being with him in Iowa. They kiss. She thinks she'll get the rose. But there's no rose sitting there. Will there be one?

When Chris sits down with Britt, he grabs her by the hand and takes her outside and they run away. The others feel it's the Britt and Chris show. Chris admits his relationship with her is "weird." In a positive way.

Hey, look who's putting on an outdoor concert. It's those two cowboys and their band in front of a giant American flag, the backdrop to every country band everywhere. Chris and the Dirty Hippy kiss in the crowd. The cowboys see him and call him up onto the stage. There's the rose! Chris takes the mic and offers it to her on stage and they kiss while the crowd cheers. Then the band kicks in a high-tempo number and the couple dances. The others are going to be so happy for her, I can just feel it!

They've been gone for over an hour. The Crooner says she knows Britt's going to come home with no lipstick on anymore. I seriously doubt that's even possible. They walk into the room hand in hand. The others aren't impressed, nor should they be. He tells them he gave Britt a rose and tries to pass it off saying giving it to her in front of everyone just wasn't very appropriate. What a gentleman.

He walks away knowing they're all hurt. Even the unflappable Vancouver Girl was crying. So much for the underdog Jade getting the rose. Or the overdog Carly. Nope, went to the one who penned those meaningful words, "Duh duh duh-duh."

Cartoon Whitney is upset because Britt hates country music and she herself loves that band. Forget about that; it was just a pretty shitty move for a group date. Maybe if they knew going in to it that the person with the rose would get to go to the concert, they wouldn't be so upset. But the way it went down sucked. Even if the prize sucked, too.

Both the Sexy Fake Virgin and Kelsey the Komplainer are way too confidant for their 2-on-1 date. I wouldn't be surprised if both were sent home. SFV describes herself in this scenario as "Glinda the good witch" while Kelsey is the "wicked witch of the west."

They drive to an open field and are whisked away by chopper to Mt. Rushmore. It looks a lot smaller than I pictured it. Kelsey, the self-described brainiac, names all four presidents: Washington, Roosevelt, Jefferson and Lincoln. SFV rolls her eyes. Or maybe she's just staring up to her eyelashes.

Next they go to the Badlands and touch down. There's a canopied bed in a field on some mismatched carpets. They sit on the bed. The women sip white wine; Chris something in a tumbler.

Vancouver Girl says if Kelsey is still in the picture after this date, "I am not for him."

The Sexy Fake Virgin gets the first alone time. They smooch on a blanket. She tells Chris the only outlier in the house is Kelsey, that she's very strategic in her moves, and that all the girls in the house think she's fake. A different kind of fake than SFV's fake.

"I may be a virgin but I'm sexy and she is not," says the Sexy Fake Virgin. She must be reading my blog!

They walk back to Kelsey, who's reclining on the bed. Then she walks off with the Farmer. She tells him, "I'm prepared to be a wife because I've been one." That's what everyone is looking for in a wife, right? Someone with experience being a wife.

Chris tells Kelsey that the Sexy Fake Virgin just told him she's being fake. Why would he sell her out like that? That's gotta be a Bachelor first. When someone rats someone out, they themselves don't get ratted out. But Kelsey plays it perfectly, saying she's gobsmacked, that SFV was someone she thought she could trust and could be friends with. She's a very convincing liar, isn't she? I think it may be the dimples. Commenter 'runner mom' from last week thinks the Komplainer has a narcissistic personality disorder. I think 'runner mom' is on to something.

The Komplainer says she would hate for him "to let go of all of the potential between them because of girl talk." Chris sighs heavily and says he understands. Boy, she's good. She tells us SFV has way too much makeup on to be genuine. Okay, she's got a point there.

The girls sit on the bed together, alone. Kelsey shoots her daggers. SFV ignores her, looks off into the distance and sips wine. "I know what you did. And I do not appreciate it," says Kelsey. "What did I do? You think I'm not as smart as you because I don't use big words? That's hilarious. Sorry, I'm not from Pleasantville; I'm from frickin' 2014," says the Eyelashes. She reminds Kelsey that they both have their Masters. Okay, now I'm gobsmacked.

Kelsey tells SFV she still respects her. SFV responds coldly, "Okay," and walks off. She storms right past Chris. He grabs her hand. Crying, she says, "Why did you tell her what I said to you?" She's got a good point. She's got her Masters, after all.

They sit down. "How can you possibly listen to her?" she asks him. Chris consoles her. He tells her Kelsey said it was a difference of maturity between the two of them. Kinda proves her point with SFV bawling.

God, those eyelashes are something else, aren't they?

Chris starts in heavily: "Regardless of what happened today, I feel like at this point in my life that we're at different places. I feel in my gut, in my heart, in knowing the lifestyle that I live and the world I live in, I don't know that you'd be happy...." I guess he couldn't see those eyelashes, bare midriff and dangling bellybutton ring on the farm. Clearly he's never seen Green Acres.

Then Chris' words register in SFV and she pipes up: "Wait, you think that Britt wants that lifestyle? Seriously?" Again, good point. And she could have picked any name from anyone else left. She needn't have singled out the Dirty Hippy. None of them wants that lifestyle, guaranteed.

Sexy Fake Virgin bawls and walks off. Then gathers herself and walks back. They hug then she says, "Just know I tried to help you."

Back at the hotel, the girls watch SFV's bags being taken away. They are in shock and confused knowing this means Kelsey will be returning. Or does it?!

Chris walks back to Kelsey and sits with her. Please send her home. He sighs heavily again. He tells her he just sent SFV home. Kelsey is really, really good at faking empathy. She's a pro, that one. He's struggling for words. Again. (I think Juan Pablo spoke better English than Chris.) He says he just doesn't know if it's there between them. She nods. He says she deserves someone who's 110% in and he can't be that for her. See above comment on 110%.

She tells him it's okay if it's not her. So much for being his wife and winning. Then he walks to the waiting helicopter and leaves them both stranded in the Badlands to be eaten by wolves.

Someone comes to the hotel to remove the Koo-koo Komplainer's bags and there's a celebration by the women like they've just been told they're going to some exotic locale.

Kelsey is unfazed by her own departure. "My story is amazing. It's tragic and it's inspiring and it's beautiful. I am immeasurably blessed," she says. She will survive because she's lost before and survived. She's a regular Gloria Gaynor. She rises above everything, she tells us. Maybe for sheer entertainment value we should campaign for Kelsey for Bachelorette.

Anyway, nailed it again. Two for two in predictions this week. So predictable.

No rose ceremony again. We've got an extra episode for that on Sunday night. And it's the Dirty Hippy like we've never seen her before, says Chris Harrison. And Jade reveals her Playboy secret. Or maybe that's Monday. All I know is it's one more episode than necessary next week.

In the outtake section at the end, we see Chris and Becca on their date. He says if a woman is a good shot, she's a ten in his books. Cut to Becca shooting down cans and bottles from a log. She'd never picked up a gun before yet out-shot Chris. That bodes well for her.

Farmer Chris: The amazing story

What week are we in? I've lost track. I know that Farm Boy has whittled down his original 30 to a manageable 11 and they're off to New Mexico this week. We've got a couple virgins (one real – Becca – and one fake – Sexy Virgin) and one entitled princess (Kelsey the Komplainer) in the mix. Now that you're all caught up, let's get the show on the road.

Santa Fe, it turns out, is the perfect place to fall in love. Kinda like every other place the show travels to. Plus they might wear sombreros! Or maybe not! I don't know about that but if New England has double decker buses and fish 'n' chips, there's a good chance it'll be bullfights and siestas in New Mexico. Megan also is picking out her bathing suit for that famous New Mexico beach action. She's just excited because she's never been out of the country before.

The Sexy Virgin says she needs the one-on-one time more than anyone, but Carly the Crooner gets the date card. It read, "Let's come together." Any guesses what that means? I guessing it's not simultaneous orgasms.

Carly is the perfect girl to bring on today's date, says Chris, to this perfect place to fall in love. Perfect.

Chris and Carly meet a love and intimacy mentor. The love guru apparently knows the secrets of intimacy. So maybe the date card does mean what I thought it didn't.

The love guru starts by burning some sage and passing the smoke around the couple. Nothing like a little smoke inhalation to get things going. But Chris is cautiously optimistic. Now he and Carly are sitting back-to-back, chanting and breathing hard. Chris felt nothing. I would have guessed at the very least he would have felt strong embarrassment.

Then Carly got to blindfold Chris. I was going to joke about fruit and chocolate because that was Megan's go-to move last week, but that's exactly what the guru brought out. She must watch the show. Carly says she's terrified of intimacy but she caresses Chris awkwardly and feeds him the fruit and chocolate. Can't believe they're repeating themselves so early in the season. What's next, a zombie laser tag game?

Next Chris is standing doggy style over the downward facing dog that is Carly, much like the town sign in the new Canadian sitcom Schitt's Creek. He's caressing her hips and inner thighs from that vantage point. Now Chris is starting to realize this quack ain't no love guru; she's a sex guru! Which leads to the quack telling them to de-robe each other. Carly's nervous because she hasn't taken off her clothes for a man in a long, long time – and the fact she's doing it on national TV, no doubt.

Wasn't the talk that Chris had a hot body? He looks pudgy to me. If he didn't have pecs, you'd totally notice his belly hanging over his belt.

Carly starts to take off Chris's pants then whispers that she's uncomfortable. Chris says he is, too. It was the worst date of her life, poor dear. So they stay clothed and hug after revealing to each other one metaphorical mask they want to take off. I didn't catch them because it's all just so stupid.

Next thing you know, Carly is sitting in Chris's lap facing him. The rule: No kissing! Just heavy breathing of each other's breath. Gross. And finally the release – a long, sensual kiss. Maybe the quack knows a thing or two after all.

Kelsey the Komplainer is now talking about the death of her husband. Sexy Virgin thinks it's weird that she waited five weeks to tell the story. She's skeptical. Kelsey says she needs a one-on-one to be able to tell Chris. But instead she gets a group date. As you might have guessed, the Komplainer thinks it's "unacceptable."

First the evening portion of the Carly date, though. They sip beer in front of a roaring fire. Carly tells Chris her last boyfriend didn't want to be physical with her ever. So now it's hard for her to be vulnerable. She doesn't feel beautiful or even like a woman. She says she's not the prettiest woman. I find that refreshing to hear because she is attractive. That's pretty vulnerable.

Carly asks the million dollar question to Chris: Are you afraid someone's going to get to your house and want to leave? He is afraid of that a bit. But she tells him he has nothing to fear, which melts him. But I think that is a genuine concern. And probability. But this moment with Chris makes her feel beautiful. He gives her a rose. He says she'd be "the best wife you could ever ask for." Kiss of death, right?

Group date time. It's white water rafting on the Rio Grande. A grizzled old prospector informs them of the risks. Sounds terrifying. This could be the last date of their lives if they fall in and get sucked under.

Turns out it's not as dangerous as Yosemite Sam let on. Naked Jade went overboard and survived. She was pulled up and we see that while in the water, she found the missing black rectangle that left with Jillian.

Turns out Jade has a rare disorder that makes her hands and feet cold and numb when they're exposed to cold temperatures, so she gets some Chris time as he rubs her pedal extremities. I can't imagine living with such a disorder. When I'm exposed to freezing temperatures, my hands and feet are always toasty warm.

Jordan shows up in the evening. Who? Apparently she got eliminated in the second week. But this was no coincidence. She wasn't there on a random vacation. She drove from Colorado just to talk to Chris.

Ah, Chris clues us in. She was the one who drank too much. But she seems super sober now. Second chances are important to her. So's love. She's asking for just a little bit of time to talk to him. This'll end well. It's always a surefire way to get back in the running. Meanwhile, the nine on the date are sitting around waiting for him.

Jordan tells Chris that drinking is something that sometimes gets the best of her. Not exactly what you open with when you're trying to win someone back, but we'll see what happens. Chris seems like a forgiving sort. They walk to the others arm in arm, so maybe she'll get her second chance.

Sexy Virgin says Jordan was her least favourite person in the house. She tells Chris that Jordan's a party girl and not ready to be wife material. But at least Jordan has had sex. She was probably drunk at the time, but she's had it.

Chris spends most of his time talking about Jordan. It always amazes me how upset people get when one person is added to the mix. Sexy Virgin thinks they shouldn't be nice to her. Cartoon Whitney disagrees. She thinks Sexy Virgin is mean and Chris does not need a mean wife. Things are getting tense.

Even though I have very little memory of this Jordan person, I now want her to get the rose. She won't because no returnees ever last beyond the episode, but it would be sweet just to shove it in the face of those insecure meanies.

Britt, it turns out, hasn't showered in weeks. She also hasn't shaved her legs in ages. Or washed her hair. Must be playoffs or something. She has the final one-on-one but she's crying because the card says, "Sky's the limit." She's freaking out because she's petrified of heights.

Back at the group date, Chris takes Jordan aside because he knows what he needs to do. The meanies won out. He tells Jordan to hit the road and she takes it well. I hope he makes a mental note not to include any of these nine in his final three. At the very least, he shouldn't hand out a rose on this date.

But he does. He sits down with the remaining girls and picks it up, giving it to Cartoon Whitney because he's excited about their potential and he feels she's there for the right reasons. At least she was the least mean of the meanies.

Sexy Virgin is upset. She says earlier in the day she looked at Cartoon Whitney in the boat and thought, "I don't have to worry about that." Not "her" but "that." Sexy Virgin is intense. She's got a lot of pent up something-or-other.

Now the one-on-one terror date with Britt. It's an early start to the day. If I know one thing about hot air ballooning, it's you have to get up pretty early in the morning. So Chris sneaks into her room and wakes her up. First thing I notice is the lipstick. Carly now confirms it, saying Britt puts makeup on before going to bed. Maybe that helps cover the smell of not showering.

Britt doesn't want to be the wet blanket on a super fun date, but if they're jumping out of something, she says it won't go well. But she gets excited when she sees it's a hot air balloon. Good thing she never saw Ryan Hamilton's routine about his experience in a hot air balloon. He nails it. And it's hilarious. Watch this two-minute clip and thank me later.



Britt feels safe in Chris's arms as the balloon ascends. There's no way she's really afraid of heights. I'm getting queasy just watching.

Sexy Virgin relates that Britt said she loved being single and wasn't in any rush to get married or have kids. Cut to: Chris and Britt. She asks him about kids and tells him she wants "like, a hundred. Honestly, I do." Carly says on a scale of 1 to manipulative, Britt is beyond manipulative. So manipulative, in fact, the smelly one gets the rose.

The one-on-one date started in bed and ended in bed. They kiss in bed, but it looks like they're fully clothed. Then Chris closes the bedroom door. But nothing's happening there, guaranteed.

Although Britt returns glowing, so who knows? But she's met with tension from the others. It doesn't ease up when she tells them she was in his room for two hours taking a "nap."

Kelsey the Komplainer feels threatened. She gets in the elevator and finds Chris's room to pay him a surprise visit. She needs to tell him that she's a widow lest she get sent home at the rose ceremony. I don't see the connection, personally, but that's just me. Does she think she'll get a sympathy rose? How does that work?

She sits down with Chris and tells him about her husband and his death. Chris hugs her. Which leads to a sexy kiss. She tells the camera, "Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's amazing. I love my story." Curious use of the term "story," I thought. She uses it a couple more times for good measure. Could it be just that? Probably not, but like I say, curious. She also uses her dead husband's full name as if to prove he really did exist.

Everyone's worried pre-cocktail party – everyone except Kelsey. Something's not adding up to Cartoon Whitney. What makes Kelsey so relaxed and calm in this sea of uncertainty?

Chris enters and tells everyone he and Kelsey had an emotional conversation. She tears up. Chris is at a loss for words. That's not all that unusual, but he seemed more at a loss than usual. He said he thought about some things that day due to the conversation, but then couldn't continue with his thoughts. He said he needed to take a second and walked out. What's this about? Thankfully Chris Harrison is lurking nearby to offer nothing of substance.

Kelsey tells the others how hard it is to say goodbye. "I'm not going," she starts before realizing her gaffe and quickly adding, "I don't know if I'm going, but saying goodbye is hard." Delusional or was there a pact?

Vancouver Girl thought it was so unfair Kelsey got quality time with Chris that the others didn't. But anyone could have. All it takes is for them to walk down a hall and knock on his door. Surprised they don't all do that every week.

Harrison returns to inform the ladies that Chris's decision is for there to be no cocktail party because he's made his decision. Sexy Virgin is beside herself about the Kelsey situation. Showing her depth of emotion and maturity, she says, "Because she has a story that is so much more traumatizing than me, she got to talk to him and I couldn't. My story is obviously nothing compared to hers and now it's just like a big comparison game of sad stories." But her virginity is pretty tragic in its own way.

While they're sitting around, Kelsey got up and left. Where did she go? Oh, there she is. She's on the floor moaning and crying and a woman is leaning over her asking her if she remembers her name. The woman wondered if Kelsey fell and hit her head because of her position. But Kelsey's saying it was a panic attack. Saying between sobs, that is. You'll have to admit, it's quite a story.

And it's to be continued! It's a real storybook ending.

Best part of the night was the funny little outtake at the end with Megan (I think; I still don't have a handle on what she looks like) wearing a sombrero. It comes on after you think the show is over so in case you missed it, here's the transcript of her talking to the camera:

This is a sombrero, the fanciest hat I've ever put on my head. Makes me feel like I am a resident in Santa Fe, New Mexico. (She does the macarena.) I never figured out why they call it New Mexico instead of Old Mexico. I think there already is a Mexico so they were like, okay, since it's... Well, I think Mexico was first and then the United States came. ... Now I just need to learn, like, a New Mexico song. Or a Mexican song. (long pause, which leads to what looks like an Egyptian-style move.)... It's my thinking cap.

You can't write that!

Farmer Chris: The virgin chronicles

Hey there. How's everyone doing? Are you ready to take the show seriously again? Nah! Never did, so why start now. I feel I should explain my thoughts on Jimmy Kimmel last week. I went back and added an addendum a couple days later but maybe not everyone saw it. Essentially, it boils down to this: I like Kimmel. Always have. And I thought he was funny on The Bachelor last week. And I love snark and making fun of this show (obviously). I just don't think the show should be a part of it. Half the viewers watch because they believe in the dreck it sells. If the show willingly goes along with someone ridiculing it, those die-hard romantics will feel duped. And the other half of the viewers watch because they love to make fun of the over-the-top antics and total fakeness of everything. If the show willingly goes along with that, those cynics feel duped. It's a lose-lose situation.

Anyway, on to this week.

Three dates this week: two groups and one 1-on-1. Chris's three sisters from the farm will decide on who gets the 1-on-1 date. But the first date card is already there. How does that work?! Did Chris just take this group of women out of the running completely for the single date? Or can one of these still be eligible for the 1-on-1?

The girls pile into two convertibles and drive to a lake. Chris wants to see "how the girls react" to this challenging day at the beach.

The Sexy Virgin breaks out of her shyness by taking off her top and jumping in the water. As virgins do. Vancouver Girl goes one better and strips off her bottoms! I think it's safe to say they're not reacting well. Or, to put it another way, they reacted exactly the way Chris hoped and (wet) dreamed.

Here's that sticky black rectangle again covering Jillian's hairy butt and front at the mansion when Chris's sisters arrive. It's really getting ridiculous. She should sue the producers. I have no problem with the rectangle covering the nude buttocks of Vancouver Girl at the lake, though. Well, a little problem, but I understand it.

The sisters' first interview is with Cartoon Whitney. Seemed to go well. She thought they asked all the right questions. I only heard the right question asked once to one person: How do you feel about living in small town Iowa on a farm? That's the only question that matters.

Kelsey is being a prima donna on the group date. She's not happy being at a muddy lake, poor muffin. She's used to amazing lakes in Michigan. She says her face is getting skinnier from all the fake smiling she's doing. Right on cue, while busy complaining, she got stung right between the legs. That shut her up. Nature hates a complainer.

Next was a camping challenge. The Virgin has never camped before. She said, "I'm a camping virgin. I'm also a virgin camping." Get it?! Because she's pretending to be a virgin!

They keep flipping back and forth between the date and the sisters. Looks like the sisters are leaving without interviewing the first group. I still say it's not fair that only some of them got the chance to go on the 1-on-1. I'm speaking up for the disenfranchised.

The second date card is for the sweet, young, innocent Jade, the Playboy model. And she does seem sweet. And probably is sweet. No one is saying one can't parade around your pudenda and not be sweet. I just wonder what the sisters and mom would say if they ever saw that video or photos of hers.

Chris tells Vancouver Girl he's a touchy-feely guy. VG prefers words. So there's an obvious disconnect there but they seem to dig each other. Or maybe he just likes that she's quick to strip in public.

Sitting around the fire, one of them says they're the luckiest girls in the world. Kelsey the Komplainer says, "Really?" Someone calls her on it. They're on to her. She's a real "phoney-baloney," says another (the fake Virgin, I think it was).

Another commercial and we're still on this camping date. On Bachelor Canada, it would have been over in 4 minutes. Hell, the happy couple would be on their honeymoon already. And probably broken up.

Crazy Ashley's turn with Chris. She gazes into his eyes and says, "What are you?" Fair enough question. For someone batshit crazy. She's making no sense. Again. Chris starts talking and she just kisses and tells him she really loves him and everything about him. She says, "I hope that resonates within your mind tonight." Maybe she's faking craziness, just like all the other fakers in the house. I think she's just allergic to alcohol.

The Sexy Fake Virgin tells Chris she doesn't like guys very easily, but she really likes him. And she kisses like a pro. I guess that's understandable if she's spent all her non-sex time just kissing. She thinks that extendo-kiss was enough to cement her a rose. But was that good enough for Chris? He gives it to someone who's always made him feels comfortable. No, not the Sexy Fake Virgin Kisser, who goes topless at the lake, but Vancouver Girl, who goes bottomless. She admits she's drunk. But she holds it well. Except for the bikini bottoms thing.

Now the Virgin girl has to step up her game by sneaking into Chris' tent to tell him she's a virgin and she's never had a boyfriend. Chris was sound asleep. Snoring, in fact.

Chris tells her he felt she was a smart, well-rounded girl. She says she's "inexperienced in every way possible" but never uses the v-word. She just alluded to it, but thinks he got it. I can guarantee he didn't get it. "I have no idea what she was saying at all," he confirms. She wanted him to know she's not a hook-up girl and then attacked his lips one more time for good measure. In a tent. Alone. At night.

The group date is finally over. Back at the house, they all talk about the 1-on-1 date and not one person on the group date complains about the unfairness of it all. Oh wait... here's the Fake Virgin. She's complaining but only because she thought she should have got the date, not at the injustice that no one in her group even stood a chance.

Jade is being made up by an old pink-haired woman. What they don't realize is that Jade doesn't need to be made up. She is absolutely fine au naturale. But she did get to keep her shoes and diamond earrings. She makes her entrance to gasps and jealous half-smiles. Then she exits to a white Daimler or Bentley or similar high end classy automobile. The Fake Virgin, a Cinderella wannabe, is beside herself that she's not on this date.

I didn't mention that this Cinderella date is a surprise to Chris. At least, he doesn't know who his date will be. Chris practices waltzing by himself because they're going to a formal ball. You can almost see him counting "1-2-3" to himself.

Chris asks Jade about herself. She tells him she was engaged when she was 21, then quickly turns it to him before the nude modelling stuff comes up. He says he was also engaged. Did we know that? I didn't.

At the house, the Sexy Fake Virgin dons her princess dress and parades around, finally sitting by herself eating corn on the cob and sipping white wine over a wilted rose. As virgins do.

Jade talks about Nebraska, as she did with Chris's sisters, which is what sealed the deal for her, I think. Chris is smitten with Jade's inner beauty. Okay, he's definitely seen the video.

Chris gives the rose to Jade, sweating like the pigs he doesn't farm. Jade accepts, dryly. Then he has one last surprise for her. He leads her upstairs to an orchestra. Finally some musicians with talent on this show! The two dance. Alone. This is the formal ball he was talking about. Maybe they were early.

And up on a screen, they get competition from Cinderella, dancing with her Prince Charming. I guess there's a new movie coming out.

At the stroke of fake-midnight, Jade runs off with her rose. Chris says he's not going to overlook her anymore.

The next group date is for six. They each got a wedding dress. Jillian, the Princess Warrior, is out of her element, she says. She's not used to looking so lady-like. Now I'd love to see the black rectangle!

They fly off on a private jet to San Francisco. But there will be no walking down the aisle. Instead, they're going to do a muckfest obstacle course. They'll dirty themselves up jumping through muddy waters in their gowns. The winner gets a 1-on-1 date with Chris. More unfairness for the first group of girls. These six already had the chance for a 1-on-1 with his sisters and lost.

Quote of the night: "I had balls swinging at my face." Can't remember who said it but had to include it.

Ms. Universe, aka the Princess Warrior, aka Rectangle Girl, aka Jillian, leads the pack by far. Someone wonders if her biceps are bigger than Chris's. I'd say they're close. She gets the date. She says, "Hopefully they'll let me shower."

Yes, she's showered. And sporting a short skirt so I now get what the rectangle was all about. Holy Kim Kardashian!

Chris asks the generic "Where do you see yourself in five years?" question. Jillian hates the question and explains her reasons. And explains. And explains. Chris feels he's on the receiving end of this converation. "When Jillian's talking I get very confused because the words come out faster than my mind can process," he says. "Occassionally as Jillian's words begin to flow over my head, I begin to think of unicorns and dancing fairies. It's quite beautiful." Yes, she would wear the pants in that pairing. Which is surprising considering the size of her booty.

At dinner she talks about her daddy's dirty humour, and that's where she gets it from. Chris just wants a nice romantic evening. So she tries her best: "Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl. You don't know what she has. This bitch is talking to her reflection. Like, she's crazy. Bird in her hair, the whole nine. Or abstain from sex for five years?" There we go! Romance!

We don't get to hear Chris's answer. But she thinks it's going "good." "Do you know how awesome it's going to fucking feel to walk into that rose ceremony and have one already? Yeah, one more week with me, bitches!" Testosterone breeds cockiness.

Chris picks up the rose and lets her know that he's looking for his wife, not a drinking buddy. Well, he didn't say that last part. She interrupts him: "Let me tell you something. This whole setting here makes me really nervous." Chris understands but his gut is telling him something else. So she brings out the tears. She tells us she's disappointed in herself for not being in the moment and being vulnerable. So goodbye Princess Rectangle.

I guess maybe it was a blessing in disguise for the first group date that they never got the chance for a 1-on-1. Because they don't always end well.

Megan, who we hardly know, whips a ribbon out of her ample cleavage and blindfolds Chris. Then she whips out some fruit and chocolate. For someone who's spent so little time with Chris, it was a risky move blindfolding him. He probably needs more face time with her.

The Sexy Fake Virgin decides to get explicit about her innocence. She tells Chris straight-up she's a virgin. Chris did not see that coming. She says she's just waiting for the right person. He says he totally respects it. And doesn't kiss her. So she takes that to mean he's freaked out. Needless to say, she bawls, as virgins do. Maybe she really is one after all.

Mackenzie, the world-weary 21-year-old single mom, says the Virgin blows everything out of proportion, big or small.

The others find it hard to believe the Virgin is, in fact, a virgin. Everyone except No Kissing Becca. Turns out she's a virgin, too. That one I believe.

Britt tells Chris she heard Vancouver Girl was taking her clothes off and there was lots of talk about sex and that some of the girls were seriously considering going home after that. Surprising they'd include this if they didn't include any of the evidence. Or was she referring to the lake bum flash? Chris is on the defensive. He's stumbling around trying to explain why he keeps giving her roses. He says he's not rewarding inappropriate behaviour. Then he jumps up and leaves, leaving Britt shocked at his sudden departure.

Then he addresses the group saying if anyone questions his intentions, they're free to go home. Nobody knows what's happening. Except Britt.

Chris says he felt like things changed this week. We'll see what happens with the roses. He's got his game face on.

So far roses have been handed out to Vancouver Girl and Nude Jade. The others go in order to:

1. Cartoon Whitney
2. Carly the Crooner
3. Blindfold Megan
4. Samantha
5. Mama Mackenzie
6. Kelsey the Komplainer (formerly the Delight)
7. Non-kissing Becca
8. Sexy Fake Virgin
9. Britt, the Free Hugger

Goodbyes to Crazy Ashley, Sad Juelia, and NFL Nikki. Crazy Ashley wasn't worried about Crazy Ashley. And she had one thing to say to Chris... "Nothing."

Next week they 11 + 1 are off to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Drama follows.