Bachelor Ben: Talent on display

Welcome back. I had a comment last week from CNoelle, who does her own Bachelor blog here, asking if I actually enjoyed the show or just enjoyed making fun of it. I've been mulling it over. It's a really good question. I enjoy much of it and I really dislike lots of it. I like the genuine people (or at least those that fake it well) and truly detest the phoney aspects of the show. Maybe it's 40-60? Hard to say, though.

She also asked if my assertion that the producers make some of the picks was really true. Obviously I'm not an insider. I don't really know. But there's no way I can believe some of the batshit crazy contestants getting selected (usually last) over some great women. There's no other explanation except that the producers prefer to have "dramatic" situations over generally nice contestants, so they either make the choice outright or somehow influence the decision.

Okay, questions answered. On with the show!

The two to watch are Jubilee and Olivia. They're the ones the others girls don't like. The twins are just... twins. They're insignificant. There for the novelty. They do everything together, including the treadmill. As in the same treadmill at the same time. And Ben doesn't try to pry them apart. They go on all the group dates together.

This week they're all in the "marriage capital of the world," Las Vegas, Nevada.

They walk into a "sky suite" and it's "unlike anything" the kindergarten teacher from Ann Arbor, Michigan, has ever seen in her life. Go figure.

JoJo gets the one-on-one date. Olivia isn't sweating it because she feels so good about what she and Ben have. But her eyes say otherwise when she watches Ben take JoJo away.

A helicopter arrives as the other girls watch from the room. The wind from the copter blows over the table. Ben and JoJo hide behind it and kiss. Now reality hits Olivia. The roller coaster has begun.

JoJo and Ben don't take in any of the sights from on high. They're too busy kissing.

The group date card is read and Olivia is on it. She's not happy. But let's get back to JoJo. No idea about their date. We're at the nighttime portion already and they're sitting and talking. Somewhere. JoJo is talking about her 1.5-year-long relationship. There were trust issues. Ben is looking like this is the most traumatic story ever. It ends with more kissing, as every good traumatic story does.

JoJo says she was scared opening up about her past. Maybe I missed it. Didn't seem like anything unusual at all. She gets a rose. Because this date is so edited down, it must mean there's lots of drama coming up elsewhere. Let's get to it!

But the date isn't over. They head to the balcony and watch fireworks. So special. Only Ben, JoJo and the rest of the city of Las Vegas could see them.

Now the group date and (probably) Olivia drama. It's Caila's first group date. The gang meets Terry Fator, a ventriloquist impersonator. No, he doesn't impersonate a ventriloquist. Rather, he does impressions through his puppets. But they're not there to learn ventriloquism. Or impressions. It's a talent show. The twins learned Irish dancing  and Jubilee plays the cello so they're set, but many of the others are struggling to find their talents. Many think Olivia has a secret talent. As long as it doesn't involve her feet, I'm sure she'll be okay.

One thing I love about Terry Fator is that he gives his dummy a microphone. A dummy microphone, I'm sure, but a microphone. I always thought it was a mistake when the ventriloquist got a mic but the dummy didn't, yet we heard them both equally. Before you take any shots at me, I know what ventriloquism is. But we're supposed to buy into the reality that there are two people talking up there. So thumbs up to Mr. Fator for recognizing this.

Olivia's talent is impersonating a Vegas showgirl. She tells us she shaved this morning so that's all taken care of. Not sure what she thinks Vegas showgirls do. They're usually topless, not bottomless. Maybe to go along with her ugly toes, she's got a hairy chest.

They're going to perform in front of 1200 people. Hope they got in free.

Caila is still terminally cute. Olivia is still too much.

Haley and Emily are first up. They are pretty good. I mean, all things considered. And Jubilee knows her way around the cello. Then we see some juggling, hula hooping, balloon animals, pogo jumping, and a whole lot of other non-talent. Then finally it's Olivia's turn. A giant cake is wheeled out. She pops out in her bikini and garter belt and starts... dancing? Kicking her legs? Shimmying? She's laughing, anyway. But clearly the least talented of a very non-talented bunch. After the show backstage she has a meltdown. Everything you want in a news anchor and more.

She's weeping that she doesn't know if she can do "this." She's taking this realization that she has no talent pretty hard. She's embarrassed for herself that she didn't show herself off to be marriage material.

Who knew the most talented of the group would be the Ditz sisters?

The cute, sweet, innocent Caila turns into a "sex panther" when alone with Ben. She just grabs him and rams her tongue down his throat.

Ben grabs a puppet and talks with Lauren H. She kisses the puppet. Then Ben. She says, "Little Ben is way bigger than I expected." A penis joke from the kindergarten teacher.

The group date rose is hanging in the balance. Olivia thinks she may be out of the running. But it's showing vulnerability and may help her in the long run. She tells Ben she's not good at being showy or sexy. He tells her she shouldn't be embarrassed because it wasn't bad at all. But she sees through his comforting. She feels like things have changed. She thought the conversation was as awkward as her performance. It was the first time they've talked and not kissed. She "400 percent" needs to see him again.

So she gets up and goes to see Ben again when he's been talking to Emily for three minutes. Has he kissed either of the twins? Olivia tells Ben she wants to start over. He tells her she doesn't need to apologize and she finally gets her kiss. All while standing. She's relieved.

Now it's rose time. It goes to Lauren B., the flight attendant. He hugs her with another girl sitting between them.

Next up is Becca's giant box. Did we know she was going on a one-on-one? Well, she is, apparently. The box contains a wedding dress. Jubilee says Becca's the perfect person to wear white. "If she hasn't lost it in 26 years, I doubt it's going to happen in six hours. Just sayin'," she says.

Becca is driven in a pink Cadillac convertible to a wedding chapel. Ben gets down on one knee and says, "Becca, will you marry... other people with me today." You see, he's been ordained. She's ecstatic for his misdirection. She didn't want to have to say yes to Ben. That's what she said! Why is she even there?

The first couple enters the chapel. Becca helps with the ceremony, but is she ordained, too? Is this on the up-and-up? But Ben's doing a bang-up job. Looks like Chris Harrison has some competition in the cheesy wedding competition.

After their marriages, Ben and Becca go to the neon museum. They sit down and he tries to find out if Becca's capable of loving and feeling. "It's good to feel. I want you to feel," says Ben. What's he getting at? They talk about virginity. He asks if it's been hard for her. (It has.) He equates her commitment to God and virginity to marriage, which is also a commitment. So he knows she's serious. And they kiss and make vows to each other. He makes vows to her to look her in the eyes, to smile when it's appropriate, to be honest and open, and to take her on the coolest dates. Her vows to him are to always tell him he's great, to make sure he knows she's in this, to always express how she's feeling when she's feeling it. And they kiss some more like they mean it, like it's leading somewhere. But I'm not buying her vows. She gets the rose, though.

When she said yes to the rose, her teeth looked to me like dentures.

It's rose ceremony night but Chris Harrison arrives to say Emily and Haley are going to spend the day with Ben. That means one's going home. Which is not far, since they're from Las Vegas. It's going to be an early hometown.

Ben goes into Haley's bedroom (or maybe Emily's, who can tell?) and she's embarrassed that there are a bunch of photos up of her and her old boyfriend. Whoops.

Emily's talking too much. She's sounding desperate. She says she has a stronger connection than Haley. She's throwing her sister under the proverbial bus. Ben thinks he has a stronger connection with one of them, too. I wonder which one.

The mom says Emily is more dominant. I bet Ben chooses Haley.

He sits them down on the couch, with mom right there. Nope, I was wrong. Ben says goodbye to Haley. Finally he kisses one of the twins in the limo.

At the cocktail party, Olivia changes history, saying the group date ended badly. Did she forget the kiss? But Jenn takes Ben first. Not for long, though. Olivia gets up to interrupt them. "I don't care about anyone else's relationship with Ben. I don't care," she says. She thinks they need to progress and move forward.

She brings Ben some cheesecake. The other girls aren't happy, but why don't they go interrupt her? Caila asks Jenn if she now wishes she had gone last instead of first, giving the impression that they're each allowed one one-on-one meeting with Ben at the party. I wish they'd lay these rules out so we knew them. And are there rules about when someone can interrupt? There should be, and we should know what they are. Either way, Olivia gets her full time. No one interrupts.

Olivia tells JoJo that she told Ben she's falling for Ben. We have no evidence of that. Did it happen? Not sure. JoJo says she'd never say that unless it was reciprocated. Olivia doesn't blink and says, "It was." Okay, that was a lie.

Who is pre-rosed? JoJo, Lauren B., and Becca. Olivia speaks in the third-person saying, "Olivia's here to stay. She's not going anywhere." She's talking trash throughout the ceremony. The other roses go in order to:

1. Amanda
2. Lauren H.
3. Jubilee
4. Emily
5. Caila, naturally (I want her to be the next Bachelorette)
6. Jenn
7. Leah
8. Olivia

Remember, last pick is always producers' pick! (Unless it isn't.)

Rachel, one of the unemployed ones, goes home. I have zero recollection of her whatsoever. The 30-year-old matronly Amber takes off her shoes and cries curled up in a ball: "I don't want to be hurt again." Is that it? Only two cut? I guess three with Haley, too, but still.

Next week they're in Mexico. In the teasers, we hear Ben saying maybe there's a side of Olivia he hasn't seen yet. They're always the last to know, aren't they?

Bachelor Ben: How ugly are the toes?!

Welcome back to the third week of Mr. Perfect Looks for Love. Will we ever see a chink in Ben's armour? Hard to imagine.

We start off with two women (still don't know everyone) talking quietly about one of the other women. Who are they talking about?

There are two one-on-one dates this week. The first one goes to Lauren B. I think she was the early frontrunner before cutey-pie Caila came on strong last week.

The date is on a biplane. Even though LB is a flight attendant, she's never been on a small plane before. She's scared. And also a little confused. She describes "flying in the clouds with Ben" on a perfectly clear and cloudless day. Ben kisses her and I can't figure out if she likes it or not.

They do a fly-over of the mansion and the gals hate it. Jubilee hates having to "watch" him with another girl. She must have bionic vision to go along with that killer body if she can see them from that far away.

The plane lands in the middle of nowhere. LB isn't "super into" situations she's never been in before. She's a planner, she says. But she goes along with things. It helps that there's a hot tub sitting in the middle of nowhere. She changes into her, um, bathing suit?, behind a tree. Looks like underwear. Hey, they're in the middle of nowhere. Surprised they're wearing anything at all. They kiss some more. She looks more into it now.

He's still looking like a better-looking Tom Cruise at certain angles.

Oh my God, is that Caila hyperventilating and blubbering over the process being hard? Yes, it is! Okay, LB has her frontrunner status back in my book.

LB is still on her date, talking about her "simple" dad. And she's looking for a daddy figure in a man. She might get it as they look pretty good together. She accepts Ben's rose.

One more surprise for LB. It's a surprise for all of us, too – a girl group nobody's ever heard of that twangs out a song in a barn for them.

Group date time. They're at the LA Coliseum on a soccer field. They're aided by two members of the US women's soccer team. They don't have a lot to work with.

Jubilee is back at the mansion catastrophising. She says she's so much more complicated than anyone else there, and that's not Ben's type. But that's putting the cart before the horse.

Chris Harrison informs the women that the game is for time with Ben. Half the women will be returning to the mansion after the game. That'd be the losing half. I'm not sure this will affect the game one iota. They're only as good as they are and no amount of incentive will make them any better.

It's Stars vs Stripes. Or, as the kids say these days, Stars versing Stripes. After regulation time, it was tied 3-3. Or to put that into perspective, about all the scoring you'll find in a season of professional soccer. In the end, the Stripes team won. Unemployed Rachel takes the blame since she had a muscle cramp.

The losers are back at the mansion pouting, while the winners are toasting a great night. And Olivia gets first action. They go upstairs to a room and the Anchor calls down to the others, gloating. The others remark on her ugly toes. Okay, now I've simply got to see them. You can't include that reference in the show and then just leave it up to our imagination. How grotesque are they? Maybe they're just fine. Either way, inquiring minds want to know.

One of the anonymous women rats on the others. So Olivia does have a friend in the house. Olivia guesses they were talking about her calves or ankles. But then she says "perfection is so lame." And she admits she hates her toes, too.

Amber gets some good lip action in. Good enough for the rose. Olivia and her toes are disappointed but she says she knew he couldn't give her another rose. She's picking up his little signals, like him touching her leg as he stands up. That's as good as a rose for Olivia.

The other one-on-one date comes and Jubilee is being a pathetic baby, just knowing she's not going to get it. Then they read her name. Jubilation! Is this one of those dates where if a rose isn't handed out, it's time to go home? Haven't seen that in a while.

She gets dressed up to the nines, gives Ben some razzing for being 20 minutes late, then when a helicopter arrives, she reveals her fear of heights and asks if anyone else wants to go on the date instead. The girls get lots of play off of this, naturally, but she's just playing hard to get. Just joshing with him.

Isn't two air dates in one episode overkill?

They land at another mansion. Caviar is spread out. They sample it and Jubilee almost pukes. Her favourite meal is hot dogs. She's "obsessed with hot dogs." That might come in handy later.

Hot tub time. They try to out-bad tattoo each other. I think it was a draw. In the hot tub, Ben tells her, "I ain't that white." Jubilee says, "So I've heard." She tells him he doesn't laugh that much and he stresses out too much. Says the woman who was convinced she wasn't getting a date card and was inconsolable about it.

At dinner, Jubilee tells Ben she has a love-hate relationship with her past. She had a bad past. She talks about her whole family dying. I think in Haiti. Heavy. Ben tells her he wants to get to know those layers. So she gets the rose. She gets up and sits on his lap and they kiss.

That'd make three roses so far: Jubilee, Lauren B. and Amber. So much for Ben's "type."

The other women are surprised Jubilee made it back home. The others don't like her much. Go figure.

Cocktail party time. Ben informs the women that two family friends died in a plane crash the night before. So Olivia takes him away right off the bat to cry over her ugly toes. She always knows the right things to say.

Jubilee is off on her own. Maybe that's because the others don't like her. She says a lot of women in general don't like her. That gives her major anxiety. But Ben likes her just fine. She takes him aside and gives him a massage. The girls are pissed.

Amber is on a "literally" alert. That's three times I've counted. She's been warned.

Jubilee wraps herself in a blanket off on her own. Amber wants a "girl chat" and Jubilee wants nothing to do with that. She huffs off upstairs. "Leave me the fuck alone," she tells Amber. Ben overhears it and asks what's going on.

Amber won't quit. She just wants to talk. She says Jubilee's comment about asking if anyone else wanted to go on her date "literally" hurt a lot of girls. And she threw in yet another "literally" in for good measure. Ben stands up for Jubilee. Not good for Amber, but she already has a rose.

Ben sits with them all like the cocktail party is ending, and Lace calls Ben outside. She thinks she won't get a rose if she doesn't get to talk to Ben, but I honestly like her chances better if she keeps her mouth shut.

Lace is teary, telling Ben he's amazing and that she's mad at herself for the way she's been acting. She says she has a lot of work she needs to do on herself. Maybe she should go home. She quotes her tattoo: "You can't love someone else until you truly love yourself." And she's not sure that she truly loves herself. So she's offering to go and he doesn't put up a fight. He hugs her and says thanks, then walks off. Not too upset about it.

Rose ceremony time. Remember, Jubilee, Lauren B. and Amber are pre-rosed.

1. Lauren H. the kindy-garten teacher
2. Amanda the mom
3. Becca the virgin
4. Haley, ditz sister #1
5. Emily, ditz sister #2
6. Rachel the hoverboarder
7. Caila
8. JoJo
9. Bennifer
10. Leah the jock
11. Ugly Toes Olivia

That's a total of 14 coming back next week. Of those, I honestly don't know 6 of them. So all this just to lose two women (not including Lace).

Shushanna didn't get a rose. Neither did the Canadian Jami, who felt like she "literally" got slapped across the face. Her lesson from her experience is to never expect anything from humans. And Lace already excused herself. That's it.

Olivia is proving herself to be this season's delusional one. She talked about the non-verbal communication she has with Ben. For example, when he gave her the (last) rose (usually a producer's pick), he gave her a little squeeze at the waist. Clearly he does that with no one else, so they must have something special. The news business is in good hands.

Maybe I was too hard on Cute Caila. She seemed to pull it together the rest of the episode. She's still my frontrunner.

Big Ben: Crazy love

Welcome back to week two of Big Ben.

Did we just see Ben in baby blue briefs? Tighty-blueys? Too much too soon.

Group date starts things off. Drunky gets picked. She's sounding more lucid, but just barely. They're drinking in the limo so we'll see how long her sobriety lasts. They're going back to school to give them a chance to be fun and goofy. It's Bachelor High.

Chris Harrison dresses up as a nerd to show all what he thinks of the teaching profession. He sets them off on a challenge. Not sure what it is, but the winner gets to be Ben's homecoming queen.

Ah, they need to make a volcano explode. I get the symbolism.

Next is bobbing for apples, a staple of every science class. Jackie is not great with her mouth, one woman says. Duly noted. Maybe the gerontologist wears dentures.

Geography is next. They all had trouble placing a state on a map. From their own country. In their defence, there are 50 states. That's a lot to memorize.

Finally there's a basketball challenge. They're flying through all the challenges. Mandi and Amber win, but there can only be one homecoming queen so it comes down to Mandi the ridiculous dentist, racing on the track against beautiful Amber jumping over the smallest hurdles I've ever seen. The Dentist dominated. She gets the crown and sash. They drive off in an open convertible, sitting parade style. That appears to be the sole prize.

Lace's goal is to get the rose, but even more important than that, to make sure Ben doesn't think she's some kind of crazy girl. I like how this is shaping up.

The Virgin's got game. On the basketball court, anyway. She gets some one-on-one time at the evening social and she casually sinks hoop after hoop while chatting with Ben. Ben airballs a shot and immediately blames his tight shirt. It's a poor craftsman who blames his tools.

What's this? Ben moved in to kiss Jennifer. Who is she? She says she could "kiss his face" all night. Then she lets all the others know that they kissed. Lace still says she's gonna get the rose.

Lace interrupts – or pardon, "steals" – Ben while he's sitting with the Ridiculous Dentist. Lace apologizes for her behaviour the night before. She describes her actions as "crazy," falsely giving the impression that it was an aberration, thus giving her more opportunities for craziness. Ben looks a bit like a handsome, young Tom Cruise.

Thankfully Jubileee interrupts them before Lace could kiss Ben. She vows to get more time with him, looking crazy as she sits stewing.

Jubilee tells Ben her story, that she was born in Haiti and spent her first six years in an orphanage. He loves that she opened up to him. They kiss.

Lace doth protest too much: "I'm not crazy," she tells Ben and someone else, "I just need one more minute." She puts on her non-crazy cutesy face. She looks a bit like Sarah Silverman. Everyone looks a bit like someone else tonight.

Ben comes and grabs JoJo and takes her to the roof. There's a helicopter landing pad. Could this mean...? So far, no sign of a chopper. Ben tells her he loves her attitude. They kiss. And they look like they have a special connection.

The rose is next. Ben singles out JoJo and Jubilee but gives the rose to JoJo. No surprise. Jubilee is disappointed, naturally, but not scheming, like Lace.

The News Anchor showed her 23 years when the individual date card showed up. Looking a bit like Cameron Diaz, she sat mouth fully open awaiting the news that Caila got date. Caila, 24, also showed her youth but she wears it better, probably because she's not billed as a "news anchor."

Cute Caila is radiating waiting for her date. In walks Ice Cube and Kevin Hart walk in the mansion. I thought they were bigger than to do a show like this. Go figure. They're going to take Ben and Caila on a drive. The girls think maybe they're at a red carpet event. Cut to: a liquor store. Ice Cube is trying to get Ben to purchase some condoms.

They drive around with the two entertainers in the back seat heckling the date and each other. They end the cheap date at a hot tub store. Kevin Hart joins them in the hot tub then stands up and the producers play the old fake black box gag to give the impression Hart was sitting in there naked. Classic.

At night, the couple is all alone. Hart and Cube are gone and things are not less funny. It's not funny at all, either. But the tone is more serious. They share their stories of heartbreak. Caila's even cuter and cooler than ever. Not cool in the hipster sense. She's just grounded and sincere and wonderful. Obviously she gets the rose.

They see their names in lights and enter a room where some dude with glasses, a vest and guitar gives them a private concert. Both Ben and Caila pretend that they know who he is. Ben even says some nondescript song is his favourite. He's a good company man. They kiss.

The third date card arrives. It's another group date, albeit a smaller one with all the blondes. They arrive at a love lab. They're taking a scientific approach to finding love. They test the visual cortex. It involves retinal tracking. Then they test their odors to see if they are attractive to Ben. Shushanna finally speaks English, revealing she hasn't eaten cabbage in two weeks. Ben sniffs them all blindfolded. The women must love this. He tells Samantha she smells sour. Samantha blames the shirt. So maybe she's a perfect match for Ben, since he blamed his shirt earlier.

Final experiment is body chemicals. Amanda gets first crack at it. Everyone else watches on a monitor their infrared images.

The lowest score 2.42/10 went to Sour Samantha. Ouch. The highest score was 7.45/10 and it went to Open-Mouthed Olivia. You can't argue with science.

At night it's a different kind of science, he says. It's about the chemistry he's feeling. He takes Olivia first and shows her his bachelor pad. They kiss on the sofa. Olivia feels heat in the "stomach... area."

Ben apologizes to Sour Samantha and asks to smell her again. I'd have loved for him to say, "Nope, still sour."

Baby-voiced Amanda tells Ben about her, like, two daughters. Shockingly, he's not, like, shocked. Kids don't scare him, he says. They, like, kiss in between her numerous "like"s.

Rose time. He mentions Amanda and Olivia, and gives the rose to Olivia. She brags, "Two for two. I don't know what rose ceremonies are. Let's end the show right now." Amanda is in tears. She doesn't know if it's worth it for her to be there. I have a new rule. Anyone who threatens to leave or questions being there must automatically be sent home.

Cocktail party time. He aims to talk to all the women, especially the ones he didn't see this week. Or see much of. Olivia, with a rose and another first impression one last week, steals Ben away from one of the anonymous girls (Leah). Jubilee calls her a "selfish bitch." Happens every season.

I love Emily's occupation: "Twin."

Lace seems drunk already. Not sure if she is or if that's just her regular crazy way of talking. She's pouty and sits down with Olivia, talking a mile a minute about being interrupted three times (not mentioning how many times she's interrupted others).

Lace tells Ben she's coming off a "little crazy" right now. He says, "Now?" Boom! How many times has she said that? That should be a drinking game. Ironic, no? She tells Ben she has a very bold personality. At first I thought she said she had a "variable" personality. Both are true.

She tells Ben about how dorky she looked and rambles on about that on the balcony as the others can't help but overhear her down below. Thankfully she's interrupted. She feels she ruined her chances with him and is teary-eyed. Her insecurities came out.

Holy cow, Amber is 30! Did I notice that last week? Usually, that's not old. And in real life it isn't. But this season everyone is so young, it makes her stand out. She thinks she's in last place because everyone's had a chance to talk to him except her.

Lauren B. tells Ben she'd be fine if she were sent home. But not in a snotty way. He tells her he's been thinking of her a lot, so she's probably safe.

Ben takes Amanda aside and has the idea to make some barrettes for her daughters. Yeah, I'm sure that was totally his idea. Totally looks like an arts and crafts guy.

Lace: The person I didn't want to be came out.

Rose ceremony. Open-Mouthed Olivia and Cutesy Caila and JoJo the Unicorn are pre-rosed. The others go in order to:

1. Amanda Mommy
2. Sgt. Jubilee
3. Lauren B., flight attendant, old front runner
4. Leah the Jock
5. Becca the Virgin
6. Rachel the Hoverboarder
7. Crazy Lace (producer's pick)
8. LB (she whispers a request to talk to him for a moment. She doesn't know if she can do it. Wah. But she's good on her word and goes home.)
9. Bennifer
10. Emily, Ditz Sister #2
11. Jami, the Canuck
12. Lauren H., the kindy-garten teacher
13. Russian Shushanna
14. Haley, Ditz Sister #1 (fantasy option still open)
15. Ancient Amber

Half of whom I know.

Okay, quick math. That's 15 roses minus LB's rose, so 14 women plus the three who already had them, for a total of 17 still remaining. I think. By my count there were 21 this week so they went through all that just to send three home (and one left of her own accord).

Wacky Dentist goes back to Portland, Sour Samantha sniffs her way out, and Jackie the Gerontologist goes gently into the good night.

There you go. Thoughts? Ben seems like a decent guy so far. Caila's my new front runner. She's adorable. I can't see her losing control but stranger things have happened.