Bachelorette JoJo: Hometown heroes

Whoops. A little late with this one. Thought I'd get at least something up before two more follow back-to-back. In my defence, we were away last week. I had to watch in a hotel room without the benefit of PVR, like a barbarian. But I jotted down some notes. Here they are for ya.

It was the hometown visits with Chase, Jordan, Robby, and Luke, in that order.

I missed Chase's hometown but it looked to be somewhere near the North Pole. There was snow, which really drives home just how long ago this was filmed. Chase is the product of a broken home, which is his excuse for why he's slow to open up. His home is so broken, his parents haven't spoken for years. Chase had to introduce JoJo to them separately.

He said his dad wasn't around much when he was growing up, yet oddly then said he got his big heart from his dad. But his dad seemed like a nice guy. Chase used the opportunity of a camera crew in their faces to ask his dad point blank why his marriage to Chase's mom didn't work out. He used the corporate ladder excuse. Exit dad.

Enter mom and the rest of the fam. The mom defended Chase to JoJo, again using the divorce as an excuse for his reticence with the L-word. The family likes excuses! Chase's sister, it turns out, is also loathe to use such a loaded word. It's like they're the only children who have been through such an ordeal.

At the car, Chase whispers, "I'm falling in love with you, JoJo." And she knows he means it because he's the child of divorce.

I came away with good feelings about the family. They seem great. Far too normal for JoJo's eccentric crew.

Jordan is from Chico, California, a place I, as a foreigner, have heard of. JoJo, US citizen, had never heard of it. She freaks out at seeing free-range deer running around. I guess they all get shot in Texas.

As with every single former jock in this history of The Bachelorette, he takes JoJo to his old high school. Jordan went to Pleasant Valley High, home of the Vikings. Should be home of the Monkees.

He has hugs for many of his old teachers, including his JV football coach. JV? This guy didn't make varsity? No wonder he was only on the BC Lions practice squad!

We also find out that charmer Jordan never had a high school sweetheart. But he makes up for lost time by kissing JoJo in the library.

Sitting in some stands, Jordan says he doesn't want his NFL-playing MVP brother Aaron to be part a topic of discussion when she visits his family. JoJo, on the other hand, it seems, wants nothing but. She'd talk about Aaron all day if someone would just go along with her.

We meet Jordan's other brother. If it's hard on the fringe-NFL player Jordan, can you imagine how hard it is on the brother who couldn't even make a practice roster? Ouch. JoJo brings up the topic she wasn't supposed to bring up: Aaron. She talks to the Other Brother about him. He's impressed that Jordan talked about him at all with JoJo. It must mean something. She tells OB she's "crazy about" Jordan.

Their dad tells JoJo he's noticed a skip in Jordan's step. He hadn't seen that before. JoJo managed to yet again bring up Aaron, only tactfully saying "his brother." Dad doesn't bite.

Jo and JoJo kiss outside. He tells her, "Don't ever doubt this." Probably should have added, "Don't read the tabloids."

Robby is from St. Augustine, Florida. I don't get the attraction she has for him at all, but she likes so many things about him. They tour the town by horse carriage.

She tells him he was the first guy she was emotionally connected to. Thank goodness she feels a bit conflicted now. She worries about his last relationship. He assures her it's very much a part of his past
and that's where it's going to stay.

They bring a ton of gifts to his family. We never get to see what they are. His dad greets them and tells JoJo to call him "Coach." I don't think I could do that. I'm guessing he's a swimming coach but they don't say.

JoJo asks Robby's mom about the ex-girlfriend. I think Robby's ex and Jordan's brother Aaron should get together.

Then she reveals something she hasn't shared with anyone else: she's falling in love with Robby. Ewww!

Mom tells Robby some bad news. Apparently his ex's roommate is telling the world that Robby broke up with his ex to go on the show. He starts to have a panic attack. His mom says, "Deep breaths."

Is Robby racist? He spoke of "chinks" and "nips". Not cool Robby. [This is my lesson on context for my American readers to use in their upcoming election. Yes, he used those words, but the context was non-racist: "chink in the armour" and "nip it in the bud."]

Robby tells JoJo what his mom just told him. He's sweating. I thought his mom should have been there with him because she knows the score. She could have provided an alibi. JoJo asked him if there's any truth to what the roommate was saying. Robby said there wasn't and then JoJo said, "Just be honest." What the hell? Where did that come from?

Robby said he'd never speak to his ex again. They had a blowup fight over Christmas and she slapped him. It's over and done with. Nobody slaps Robby.

He doesn't like JoJo being nervous because it puts him "at a disadvantage." Yeah, he's there for the right reasons, isn't he?!

They walk outside in a heavy rainfall. God is crying.

She meets Luke in Texas wearing cut-off shorts and cowboy boots. They hop in his pickup truck and drive down a dusty dirt road to a picnic to meet his mom, dad, sister, and the rest of the town.

They leave the barbecue and head off on horses for a "surprise." They ride to a haystack sofa where he tells her how good she looks in her cutoff shorts and cowboy boots and adds, "I hope that's how you felt, too." I think something was missed in the editing.

He says, "I want the future. I want us," and he kisses her. What's the surprise? Was that it? He's got to work on managing expectations.

Oh, here's the surprise: He wants her to know he's falling in love with her. He leads her down a path that leads to a giant heart and says, "I want you to know my heart is yours." Um, maybe that's Texan for "I'm falling in love with you"?

The rose ceremony is in an airport hangar. Robby shows up first. He's last on my scorecard. My personal order of preference is Chase, Jordan, Luke, and Robby.

Something fishy is going on (as usual). Before the rose ceremony, JoJo tells the camera that she needs to say goodbye to Luke. When in the history of this storied franchise has it been revealed beforehand? Never, is the answer.

She gets in front of them, grabs a rose, and pauses long enough for Luke to pipe up and ask to have a word with her. Yeah, totally plausible. Jordan turns to the others and says they had a whole day to talk to each other. Exactly. It's BS (pardon my acronym).

Luke tells JoJo that his heart is hers. He felt he also needed to tell her he's in love with her and didn't get to tell her. It's been on his mind. She squeezed his shoulder and said, "Thank you, I am glad you told me that."

Now she doesn't know what to do. She says it changes things, but is it enough? She's wondering who'll be the best life partner for her, the best husband. She squats down in her gown and bawls, torn at the decision she has to make.

And... to be continued. The producers love this garbage. We've had so many To Be Continueds in the past couple of season. They don't understand that we're going to watch regardless. Or not.

Tomorrow night we find out. Tuesday it's the Men Tell All. I'll be there with my PVR so I won't miss a thing.

Bachelorette JoJo: Weirdest. Episode. Ever.

Did everyone enjoy their two-week break? I sure did. As a Canadian, July 4th to me is the day after July 3rd. I don't even think of it unless I hear the date. So I tuned in dutifully at the anointed hour only to think I had dementia. The show was on but it seemed all too familiar. Finally figured out it was a repeat about 45 minutes in.

I exaggerate. Slightly.

But after two weeks, I was ready to get back to work. And it took me only about 45 minutes to figure out who everyone was again.

While in the lineup at the grocery store, I saw a magazine cover that all but said Jordan was a fraud. I didn't read it, but that's what everyone was saying last week. No signs of it this week at all. What do you think? Is Jordan more of a fraud than the rest? Or is Jordan the same as everyone else? Post your answer to the comments section.

Hometowns are right around the corner (next week). We know JoJo is going to want to meet Jordan's famous brother, so he's a shoe-in. Or so I thought until he told her doesn't have a relationship with his sibling. Whoops.

Chris Harrison enters for his two minutes of screen time to justify his free trip to Buenos Aires. He tells the fellas there would be three 1-on-1 dates but without roses. The 3-on-1 group date, however, would come with the flower. I figured everyone would want the group date this time for a 1 in 3 chance of guaranteeing a trip back home. Nope. They all pined for some alone time. Saps.

Wee Alex was the only one left who hasn't had a 1-on-1 so he was desperate. He got the first one. I wrote in my notes, "I hope he goes home." And you can tell right off the bat it's headed that way. They're taken on a long drive. To pass the time, they munch on Pringles in the back seat. Alex tries to kiss her with Pringle duck lips. She nips that in the bud.

Throughout their date, we're witness to the other five taking a bus to see some sights. For no reason at all. The bit with them goes absolutely nowhere, even as they're driven to a "sketchy" barbecue spot (where even a dog wouldn't touch the mystery meat) and to a polo club. Can you say filler? Can you say network TV time killer? Hey, that rhymes. Reminds me that they all were "rapping" on the bus ride as only five white guys can. The only thing worse was the cut to Wee Alex "freestyling" with a weak couplet.

Alex and JoJo finally arrive at a ranch, ending their awkward silent drive. They're told by the authentic gauchos that they'll never be gauchos because gauchos are born, not made. But they can make-believe! Luckily for all, the ranch had some little boy gaucho outfit for Wee Alex to wear. Another sign that JoJo had no romantic interest with Alex was her calling him a "cute little gaucho."

The next segment will go down in Bachelor/ette lore as perhaps the weirdest ever. A real gaucho got down and dirty with a horse. The horse "gives into him." What the actual hell? He gets the horse on its back, gets on top of it, and sweet talked it until it was lying down spent. JoJo and Alex are instructed to lie down and "spoon" with the majestic animal. And they comply! Then they kiss over top of the horizontal horse. Weirdest. Episode. Ever.

"Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life. It really is," says Alex, in a textbook moment of foreshadowing. But then they kiss and JoJo looks happy, so who knows? Then again, I think JoJo would be happy kissing anyone.

Alex gets ahead of himself, saying he'd love to "crack a cold one" with her brothers and watch some football. He clearly didn't watch last season. Then it all comes crumbling down. He needs her to know that he's falling in love with her. Gulp. She never expected him to say that, she says. And why should she? It was just the week before hometowns. Five other guys left. Tons of time left!

She tells him it was the best day she's had with him and he gets momentarily excited because he heard the words "best day" without the qualifier. It's also the only day she's had with him. Details, details. She tells him she doesn't feel as excited as she should feel given the situation. His arm drops off her neck as realization sets in. Then she feeds him the old line of letting him go now instead of keeping him around for another two days because she respects him so much. I think I'd feel more respected if she kept me around under the illusion that she's really thinking about who to send home, like it's a tough choice. Plus it's an extra couple of days in Argentina.

She walks him to the car and leans down to hug him goodbye. He can't look her in the eye – and not just because she towers over him. He mutters, "Take care," and gets in the vehicle. She cries, saying, "I don't know how to do this... I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

Jordan the alleged fraud gets the next 1-on-1 date. He's driven in a white stretch limo to an airfield where JoJo is waiting by a private jet that will whisk them away to Mendoza for a wine tasting and smushing. That's right, they take off their shoes and crush grapes with their bare feet just like Lucille Ball did. Note to self: Never drink Argentinian wine. That's just gross. And to make matters grosser, they dip wine glasses into the newly mushed grapes and scoop up some grape juice/toe jam concoction. Who else just threw up a bit?

At dinner, he reveals that his older brother is hilarious and that he has no relationship with the younger, famous NFL star brother, Aaron. JoJo dries right up.

He also says he "walked away from" football. That's code for being cut by three teams. He showed them! I just Googled him and found out he also played for my hometown BC Lions in the Canadian Football League. But further reading revealed he made the practice roster, then attended a mini camp before "abruptly" quitting. He told JoJo he could have kept playing but that football doesn't define him. Yes, I'm sure any team in the CFL would have loved to have had him on their practice roster.

But before she can absorb all this potentially disastrous information, he tells her, "I am so in love with you." She gazes into his eyes and says, "That makes me so happy." She grabs his chin and brings it next to her chin. They chin each other.

The group date is Chase, Robby and Not James Taylor. It's a kind of slumber party. It starts off with some greasy junk food. She shoves about 25 french fries into Not James Taylor's mouth and that's possibly more disgusting than the toe jam vino. They also play charades and Truth or Dare, where she dares Robby to strip down to his gaunch and run through the hotel hall knocking on doors. He throws in a mooning for good measure.

Not James Taylor keeps "joking" that Robby has a wandering eye for the Argentinian ladies. It may or may not be true, but NJT won't let up. JoJo doesn't like it if it's true. But I don't think it's going to matter one way or the other. The four of them lie on the bed watching the Brazilian version of The Bachelor. So Argentina, a Spanish-speaking country, gets Brazilian (Portuguese speaking) TV?

JoJo takes Robby outside, perhaps to test his wandering eye. They talk about his last relationship. He broke up a 3-year relationship just a few months ago. He says in three years he never saw her house and met her mother only once. He probably never saw her penis, either.

Chase and JoJo sit inside. He's serious but plays it cool. He's committed but not desperate. They kiss romantically.

Not James Taylor and JoJo also sit inside on a couch, only she sits farther away from him than she did with the others. They talk like friends. And not particularly close ones. He tells her he's "very much in the process of falling for" her. They kiss, but barely. Body language experts could have a field day with her.

My prediction was that Chase would get the rose. Wrong. It went to Robby because she wants to meet his family. Maybe so she can find out for sure if he really likes girls. Since Robby got the rose, he also got more alone time with JoJo. Not James Taylor and Chase took a van back to the hotel. James figures either him or Chase will be going home at the rose ceremony. He's not so dumb after all.

Luke gets the last 1-on-1. JoJo introduces him to Snowflake, a miniature horse. That was nice of her to have this date with Luke and not Alex. That would have been cold.

They go off riding full size horses. Luke knows what he's doing. He's like a horse whisperer, only he doesn't use his powers to bed horses like that other freak.

They ride to a shooting range to do some skeet shooting, and Luke is a natural there, too. They kiss on a haystack. But the date is shorter than the other two. No night time portion. The rose ceremony is that night. No cocktail party, though, because she knows what she's gonna do. She's going to send Not James Taylor home because, presumably, she doesn't respect him as much as Wee Alex.

Robby was the only one with a rose. The other roses went in order to:

1. Luke
2. Jordan
3. Chase

Goodbye Not James Taylor. Good luck with your record contract. She walks him out and cries. She says he touched her heart and made her a better person. I'm surprised it took me this long but I suddenly realize that if they made a movie of this season, Not James Taylor would be played by John C. Reilly.

He thanks her for being so sweet to him. It's all very positive through the tears. Mind you, she's not crying because she thinks it may be the wrong decision or she was anywhere near close to choosing him. She's crying because she feels sorry for him.

Next week: The hometowns! Let's see who has the biggest train wreck family. In the highlights, we see JoJo breaking down in a blue gown saying her heart is broken. We're led to believe this has something to do with Robby but surely she has more sense than that. We'll see.

Bachelorette JoJo: Two, two, two 2s-on-1

Howdy. I think that's how they greet people in Argentina. I know there are cowboys there, anyway. The gang is in beautiful Buenos Aires and they've all been coached in the correct pronunciation of that capital city. Who pronounces it the way it's supposed to be pronounced? Only Spanish speakers and news announcers. But you should have heard JoJo say Buenos Eye-rays. Bueno, indeed!

We are more than halfway through this season, thank God. It's okay and JoJo is better than I thought she'd be, but I've got no real rooting interest in anyone.

Chris Harrison makes a guest appearance this week. I guess he always wanted to go to Argentina because he served no purpose. He sat down on a bench with JoJo but nothing of import was said. Then he gathered the fellas together to tell them that his week, for the first time in franchise history, there'd be a second 2-on-1 date in a season. Good thing he was there. How else could they have found out? He earned his paycheque this week.

Deejay Wells gets the 1-on-1 date. The date card reads, "Besame, besame muchacho." Which translates roughly to, "Kiss me, kiss me, dude." Apparently Wells is the only one left to not shared spit with JoJo. All the guys are in shock at his oral chastity instead of getting the sudden realization that they're not so special. She's tonguing everyone. And that's why she chose Wells for this date: for the sole reason of kissing him.

But that card has got him on edge. Even after dressing for his date, he says he's not ready at all. When JoJo arrives, Luke asks her, "Are you guys gonna kiss today?" She responds, "Hmm, that's funny, isn't it?" But yes, that's the plan.

They walk through Buenos Eye-rays and Wells buys JoJo a bracelet from a street vendor. Ka-ching! JoJo takes a mental note: No body, no game, no money.

They attend a performance (kind of) of a show that translates to Brute Force. It involves watching people frolic in an elevated pool from underneath. Now you can see why it's called Brute Force. They do something on a treadmill and Wells, desperately trying to find the right moment to go in for his big moment, goes for a high-5 instead. They miss. JoJo offers him her cheek, which he pecks. Fail.

When Wells and JoJo get in the pool, there's lots of rolling around together. It brings out the confident, romantic side of him. So long neurotic, terrified Wells.

He's so confident that at dinner he tells her they're "pretty different" people. She readily agrees. Whoops. That didn't go so well. Then he tries a new tack. He tells her he had a revelation: all the "perfect" people he dated in the past turned out to be not so perfect. So now he's not looking for perfect. Basically, I like you JoJo because you're not perfect. Just what every woman wants to hear – especially ones who've gone to the trouble of paying for perfection through surgery.

He tells her about his past relationship, one that lasted four years "collectively." Not sure what that meant. But they lived together before realizing they were more friends than lovers. Pretty sure that meant his ex felt that way.

JoJo tells him she's looking for her "unicorn." Wells, understandably, looks skeptical. Unicorns aren't real. She says she thinks relationships never have to fade away. Wells looks at her like she's a unicorn.

Ultimately, Wells doesn't get the rose. JoJo feigns sorrow. She cries minus the tears. It's the polite thing to do. When the driver comes to take Wells' bag away, the guys are all in shock. "No!" says one. "You gotta be kidding me!" says another. It's a complete 180 of moments ago when they were predicting Wells would be sent home.

A group date consisting of Jordan, Luke, Not James Taylor, Robby, and Wee Alex explore the city. Walking in a line really drives home just how vertically challenged Wee Alex is. Nothing wrong with that, understand. Just sayin'.

But it's Not James Taylor who feels like an imposter with these "cool dudes." He says he's not the sexy guy. Say what you will about him, but he's firmly planted in reality. But enough with the self-deprecation. He went a little overboard, never missing a chance to set our expectations low with him.

While out for a stroll, the gang comes across a pickup soccer game. Game on. It's the gringos vs the caballeros. Not sure how it went but at the end the locals come up with the idea that the tourists should do a kick-off/shoot-out (not sure the right lingo) against their best goalie with the winner getting a kiss. And here you know the producers played a huge part in the outcome. With all of Not James Taylor's woe-is-me attitude, they had to give it to him. Everyone else lined up for a kick and whacked it at the goalie but he made every save. Until it was Not James Taylor's turn NJT gave a weak little shot and the goalie didn't even try to stop it. Gooooaaaaallll!!!! and Kiiiiiissssss!!!!

But it was nothing like the kiss she gave later to Luke. She said she's running out of words to describe the level of passion between them. The spark, she says, is "crazy." Why can't someone interrupt them? It happens all the time but never in such moments of crazy passion.

Not James Taylor gets a moment with JoJo and decides to expose Jordan for what he is: a male. Turns out they were playing poker and had a disagreement about the rules and Jordan didn't bend over. The nerve! The word "entitled" gets bandied about. Then NJT asks JoJo if he can kiss her and proceeds to devour her face as she leaned back defensively.

Then JoJo asked to speak to Jordan. Why does she do this? If someone comes to you in confidence to rat out another player, don't compound the issue by essentially ratting out the rat. Wait a bit, then slyly allude to a problem. Although I'm sure the producers put a bug in her ear to suggest she stir the pot.

Anyway, Jordan tells her that James is one of his best friends in the house (even though they're actually in a hotel). He tells JoJo he's the farthest thing from entitled, although he admits he doesn't quite know what the word means. He doesn't think he's better than anybody, he says. Integrity is huge for him. Then he goes back and calls James "pathetic" so I'm guessing he now thinks he's better than at least one other person.

Not James Taylor thinks Jordan is just in this for fame. Says the guy who whips out his guitar at every opportunity.

The group date rose goes to neither of them. Instead she gives it to a guy who continues to make her feel good and special and excited about the future: Bouffant Luke. Then she looks around at the other guys with a "and-what-are-you-gonna-do-about-it?" look.

Next up is the dreaded 2-on-1 date. Well, Chase is dreading it. Derek is pretty chill. And confident. Way too confident for a bank teller, that's for sure. And because we keep hearing him tell us how he's going to get the rose, we know this means the exact opposite.

The three of them go off to tango. And as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. See, this is why they had to do a second 2-on-1 date. The writers insisted. That line was just too good to pass up. Throughout the practice, Derek's voice-over tells us what a lock he is to get the rose while Chase seems to agree with him. He's pulling a Not James Taylor with the underdog crap.

When she gets alone with Derek, he tells her he's falling for her. "I appreciate that," she tells him curtly. They kiss but a bit reservedly. Then he calls her back for more and this time their tongues get to know each other.

With Chase, she tells him she has strong feelings for him but isn't getting anything back from him. He's shocked to learn this. He tells her he wants his future to be with her as soft music chimes in. They kiss, but this time she goes to him. She wipes the taste of Derek off in Chase's mouth.

Then it's rose time. The only one surprised is Derek. Doesn't even seem like a close decision. She walks Derek out to the waiting car. It's back to the bank for him. "I didn't think this was going to happen," he said. Duh. "I'm Derek. And Derek is imperfect." Derek then tells Derek not to cry while crying.

Chase and JoJo walk into a room with a string quartet and keyboard. From a balcony overhead, a singer sings the only Argentinian song anyone's ever heard (written by Brit Andrew Lloyd Webber), Don't Cry For Me Argentina. And as luck would have it, Derek cried a lot in the vehicle which the editors interspersed with the happy couple and singer. That's cold.

At the cocktail party, Jordan tells her he wants to be in love and engaged at the end of this and he thinks they can get there. He says he wants to "do life" with her. She's smitten. He's definitely getting a rose.

The too-well-groomed Robby isn't wearing socks. That should be enough to send him home.

Wee Alex attacks JoJo's face. Bouffant Luke continues to look creepy. Not James Taylor says the other guys make more money, are better looking, and smarter. He feels like chopped meat. But who doesn't love chopped meat?

It's rose time. We were teased that JoJo might be sending two men home because we saw her saying she couldn't give the last rose out. Of course that means nothing of the sort. Anyway, pre-rosed were Chase and Luke. The other roses went in order to:

1. Sockless Robby
2. Chickenlegs Jordan

That left Wee Alex and Not James Taylor to sweat it out as she consulted with Chris Harrison. She tells him she feels sick to her stomach. I hope she's not pregnant! She gave CH the rose then went back to tell the guys she couldn't give it out. But wait! Here comes Chris Harrison! Off the canvas! He has two roses on a tray to save the day! Psyche!

      3. Wee Alex
      4. Not James Taylor

 I guess because she unexpectedly sent home Wells there was room at the hotel for one more. The underdog Not James Taylor gets a supportive shoulder rub from the guy who called him "pathetic."

Wee Alex, who was the jerk last week, got back to his jerky ways just in time at the end. He said he considered his and NJT's roses as "pity roses." He needn't be too concerned. I'm sure it's the last one he'll get.