Bachelor in Paradise: The worst human

Late again. Whatcha gonna do? Here's my capsule takeaway from two nights of "entertainment" earlier this week: Grant may be the best human on the planet. Ashley may be the worst human on the planet. I've since read where she's said there was stuff not shown but I don't think there could be anything that could excuse her for her words and actions.

Another takeaway: This show is really schizophrenic (in the non-medical, politically incorrect usage of the word). The opening highlights show us a dramatic confrontation between Josh and Nick while Amanda cries, then it cuts immediately to the over-the-top cheesy '70s opening theme. Then we get upcoming highlights of multiple possible engagements. No! Just no! This is Bachelor in Paradise! Don't make it about real connections and life-long romance. If something happens romantically, it happens. But the main thrust of the show should be like spring break for the regular show's losers. It's hedonistic fun. Leave well enough alone.

Okay, on to the details.

We start with Caila and Ashley having a heart to heart and Caila sticking the shiv in Ashley by saying Jared loves her like a sister. And then Ashley meets up with Jared. No idea why he gives her the time of day. He's such a sap. All she has to do is cry and he melts. And lord knows she can cry on a dime. There should be a new word for how she cries. Bawling doesn't do it justice. Snorfl? Something. It's pathetic. And most likely phoney, like everything else about her.

She talks about losing her best friend, Lucy, a dog. She's scared she's going to completely lose her mind. Too late, I'm afraid.

Then Wells the deejay shows up and everyone steers him to Ashley for his date. He heeds their advice and when he asks Ashley, everyone erupts in cheers. With Ash gone, Jared kisses Caila. And kisses her some more. And some more. Not sure she kissed him back even once.

On their date, Wells and Ashley are having a good time. Wells tells Ash his favourite band is the Talking Heads. Cool, right? Alternative. Ashley's favourite band? Hanson. I told you she might very well be the worst person on earth. Thankfully for her, a stray dog approached their table just in time to distract Wells from her embarrassing revelation.

Wells takes a bite from Ashley's luscious lips, getting a mouthful of collagen. They make a fire wish and float it off through the air. It goes down like the Hindenburg.

Then Lace gave Ashley a run for her money in the worst person contest. She tells Grant, who has done nothing but express his love and devotion, "good luck getting a rose tomorrow." She gets snippy for no known reason. Grant understandably walks away. The girl is still certifiable. And from this point on, she's got it in her head that Grant was the villain for walking away.

He goes to see her. "I don't need your little petty talk," she tells him. He's done with her attitude, he says. "Good. If you're done, I'm done." She can't see she's culpable at all. She cries to the camera. I think if you wear gigantic fake eyelashes, it's your lot in life to cry irrationally and often.

Then Grant tells her he loves her again. Does this soften Lace a teensy bit? Nah. She says she's had enough of that word. He says he knows she says the things she says because she's scared and it doesn't come from a bad place. He's a better man than most. He tells her he overreacted to what she said (he didn't at all, but he knows how to defuse a situation). Does this soften Lace a teensy bit? Nah. "Kinda!" she says sarcastically. He apologizes several more times. She finally softens and says she could use a shot. Ah, her old friend, Al K. Hall.

Amanda tells Nick and Jen they could use the upstairs room she had been using with Josh. She's just tired and wants to sleep. So up Nick and Jen start to go when Josh puts the kibosh on it. He says he and Amanda are going to sleep there. Cut to: Amanda sound asleep in another bed by herself.

Josh wakes her up to ask if she's not sleeping with him that night. "I don't think so," she says, half asleep. "I'm so tired." "All right. Good talk," says Josh. Good talk? Jerk.

At the cocktail party, Daniel knows he's on the chopping block so he tries his best to get someone's rose. He brings a plate of onion rings, chicken nuggets, and fries for one of the twins. It has all her food groups, he says. Then he brings a lamp to Izzy – a Canadian-made lamp, bigger, better and more expensive than the one Brett came with, he says. If she gives him the rose, she can keep the lamp otherwise he takes it back.

The twins are concerned about Josh and they solicit Nick's opinion. Good, solid, unbiased opinion.

Rose time.

• Carly gave hers to Evan, the penis man.
• Ashley called on Wells.
• Jen handed a rose to Nick.
• Izzy didn't go for the lamp; she gave her rose to Brett.
• Caila likes Jared enough to give him the rose.
• Lace sobers up to see Grant's good enough to get a rose.
• Amanda surprises no one and picks Josh.
• Haley picks... Emily?

Yes, it seems as if Haley and Emily have decided to leave together just the way they came. So they don't give their roses to anyone. Then Chris Harrison enters to inform the rest that because they didn't hand out their roses, that means three had to go home instead of just one because, you know, rules are rules. Goodbye to Daniel, Ryan and Carl. Don't understand why there are rules all of a sudden. And why didn't any of them play the Ashley card and just ask to stay? In a show with apparently no rules, this seems rather arbitrary.

I don't mind not having rules. And I don't mind having rules. But pick one and be consistent. And if you have the rules, why not lay them out for everyone (viewer included) to see?

The worst is that we didn't get to say goodbye to Daniel. He gave us so much entertainment this season and he's gone just like that. Not even an exit interview. That's a fine how do you do. He gets lumped in with those two nobodies. Talk about disrespect!

Before they go, the twins take their best friend Amanda aside to warn her about Josh. First of all, since when were the twins and Amanda so close? It's a reminder of just how little reality the reality show gives us. They give us what they want us to see. The tearful warnings but the sisters were comical. One of them said, "Those things in that book might actually be true, and if they are true, they're very scary."

Amanda asks what she should do. It tells you a lot that Amanda is asking advice of the Ditz Sisters. They tell her to ask direct questions about the book. And with that, they were off.

Josh senses Amanda's confusion. But she doesn't want to talk about it. She hints at what's troubling her, though, and Josh ramps up the testosterone. He gathers everyone around demanding to know who the twins' source was. Grant would have been calm and cool. But Josh is verging on a full-on Chad. Then he brings up his dog's cancer treatment as a combo excuse and plea for sympathy.

Nick speaks up, calmly, saying he honestly doesn't know if Josh is genuine. Josh yells back and vaguely threatens Nick if things aren't good with Amanda. Then he packs his bags. Of course he's not going anywhere.

But Amanda, as confused as she said she was (which, granted, might be her default status), is sick of people warning her about Josh. She knows the truth based on the couple of weeks she's known him at a Mexican resort. He showed he has a "bit of a temper" tonight but he had good reason to, says Amanda. Gulp.

Jami from Vancouver arrived early one morning. Maybe this is why they had to send Daniel packing. There's a quota on Canadians. Everyone was asleep except for Wells. Smells like a plant to me. I'm sure the producers arranged it just so they could squeeze some more tears from Ashley. Jami and Wells go on a date.

When Ashley eventually rolls out of bed, Nick breaks the news to her. And she's fine with it. She laughs. Yeah, that'll last.

It lasted until she saw Jared and Caila together again. Mind you, the two were kissing. In public! But remember how she's completely over Jared? So when she says she's Jared's "main chick," she just means it metaphorically, I'm sure.

Ashley asks Caila not to flaunt their relationship in front of her. So let me get this straight: Caila doesn't really like Jared, but it's her fault for kissing him in public? Jared has no responsibility in this?

Dear, sweet Caila asks Ashley if she wants her to go home and asks, "Was I wrong to go on a date with him? Honestly." There's a long pause. Ashley says she can't go back and trust the person who hurt her in the first place, i.e. Caila. She tells Caila, "It's hard for you to stay here." Caila doesn't want to hurt anyone. Why is everyone giving Ashley such credence? I'm as confused as Amanda!

Caila says, "I don't need to be here. I don't need the attention. I don't need any of that." Ashley replies with, "I feel bad for you," then laughs maniacally.

Caila tells Jared it's too hard to be here with Ashley so she's leaving. Yet both of them invited Ashley back when she was already sent home, promising she had changed. If the producers were serious about this being a show where people find love, they should have stepped in and told Ashley it's clear she hasn't changed so she must go home.

Ashley, the very definition of an awful person, tells the cameras that Caila is an awful person. I know it's hard to know what's what on a reality show. All we know is what we're shown and then we rely on our hunches. But there's been zero evidence of Caila being awful or anything remotely close to that.

Jared tells Ashley Caila just left and Ashley feigns surprise. Then she says, "She said that she doesn't like you." Again, maybe she did off-camera, but I doubt it. She just moves slower than the others. She liked him enough to give him the rose and to let him kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. Team Caila all the way!

Jared yells at Ashley so she did what Ashley does: she cries. And Jared did what Jared does: he melts. Feels bad and consoles her with a hug. He sure is a sucker for tears. Then he runs off to find Caila.

Meanwhile, Ashley says, "I stand true to Caila being a piece of shit."

While Jared is quickly talking with Ashley, Caila has time to go pack, call a car, and get in the car to leave. How long was he with Ashley?

Ashley bawls (or snorfls) to the others. Please don't make her a good or sympathetic character. She deserves nothing. But even though the love of her life has left, she gets over it quickly because she's still on TV so she wins. She knows Wells will return soon from his date with Jami so she freshens her make-up in order to look "bomb" on his return. And her make-up tray is a thing to behold.

Wells returns holding hands with Jami. He needs to have a sit-down with Ashley. Ashley takes the bad news well but she's totally faking it for effect. And it works! Wells buys it! She's one conniving person.

Then another baby-voiced woman shows up: Lauren H., the kindergarten teacher. I kinda remember her. And right on her heels comes Shoshanna, the Russian. Ashley, with her big fake eyelashes and botox, calls Shoshanna "Euro-trash." I am so done with the virgin. I don't want to see her anymore. Ever.

The double date is Shoshanna and Wells (his third date in a row), and Lauren and Brett. The four of them go to surfing school. Nothing significant happens.

Evan got a public boner lying face up on his bed after kissing Carly. That was something. No erectile dysfunction there. Carly likes that she did that to him. We don't need to see Evan making out at the best of times; this was too much.

Amanda talks about being confused again about Josh, but she gets a date card and takes him. And there's no sign she's wavering. "Josh isn't perfect but neither am I," she says. "I don't think anybody is. But what I can say is Josh is perfect for me." He's everything she ever wanted. She loves him. Barf.

Ashley knows it's between herself, "a random girl from Canada and a Russian hooker." She's just the worst, I tells ya! Maybe all-time worst. She knows she has to make an impression so she kisses Wells.

There's going to be a two-night finale this week complete with engagement rings, because this was such a serious show about love.

For some reason, Brett takes a lamp down to the water and smashes it against a rock. It's played for fun because broken glass and bare feet is such a hoot!

The After Paradise show with Glib and Dull had Caila, Jared and Ashley on it. All together! And Wells was there, too. Everyone pretty much trashed Ashley before she got out there.

Dull had a couple of pretty good points. He said Jared enabled Ashley's obsession. And he said that throughout Ashley's badmouthing of Caila, nothing ever emerged to show that there might have been a hint of truth to what she was saying. We never saw a dark side of Caila. Even here, Caila responded with, "I'm doing wonderfully, thank you." She's just perfection.

Caila said her defense mechanism is to smile, and Ashley's is to cry. I'll take hers any day. She also revealed that she and Jared are not together anymore. They dated for about six weeks but weren't the "right fit." And there were "other forces" that contributed to the break-up. How cryptic! She probably means Ashley.

And then Jared, who has seen the show, said he's still really good friends with Ashley! How is this possible?! He said she was trying to be the best friend she could be. Uh, right. He said he won't judge her by what she said on camera. Say what? Jealousy brings about ugliness in all of us. Yeah, but not that kind of ugliness. He doesn't deserve Caila!

Ashley accepted no responsibility for what happened between Jared and Caila. She was looking out for him and has gotten over him romantically. Uh-huh.

Oh, and they revealed the new Bachelor! Would it be Luke or Chase? I was going for Chase. Turns out it's neither. It's going to be Nick. You know, I liked Nick. I liked his calm, thoughtful manner. But now I think he's just a fame whore. How many of these shows has he been on? Two Bachelorettes and two Bachelor in Paradises, by my count. And presumably has a life off television. But he can't find anyone. So it must be him. Don't waste a season on the guy.

The show just keeps getting worse and worse. I keep threatening to not write a blog on the next one just like people keep threatening to leave the show when things don't go their way. Maybe I'll do a Caila and really go. She's my inspiration.

But first we Canadians have the Canadian version starting next week. That one I'll do. Nick can go to hell, though.

Bachelor in Paradise: The tears of a clown

Here ye, here ye, court is now in session. We sit here in judgment of the lost souls on Bachelor in Paradise.

This week's two episodes focussed a lot on Ashley and her run-free mascara. The woman who said she'd try to limit her crying to thrice in total surpassed that unattainably low number on the first day. Or are the cries so long in duration that she's still on her first one?

She started out pathetic and quickly turned conniving. Her wailing to Jared about how she'll never find anyone as perfect as him backfired. He just said he can't keep having this conversation. Throughout the show, he talked to her, though and said what good friends they are. Why, though? Who needs friends like that?

It was bad enough when she was just coo-coo for Cocopuffs over him, but then she got nasty. What was she thinking? She tried several times to sabotage his relationship with wonderful Caila. Like, she admitted to us, the viewers, explicitly that. She outright lied to him and about them on numerous occasions. Let's say her plan worked and he and Caila split up and he came running into Ashley's arms. As soon as the season aired, he'd know what's up and there's no way he could stick around. Even now, she's probably ruined their friendship. Or she would have with any non-sap friend.

Ashley said she had hoped to meet someone new. But since that didn't happen within the first 15 seconds of her time in Paradise, she just knew Jared was the only one for her.

When Jared goes to Caila, they kiss. In the background, we hear Ashley bawling. But keep in mind this is like Josh's moans, i.e. an editing trick. They have the audio of her crying. She probably was crying at the same time (because she always is). So they just dubbed it in. There's no way Caila and Jared wouldn't have at least given a look her way or said something if they heard it.

I wonder what a reality TV show would be like if they did it documentary style. I mean, even documentaries are edited for interest's sake but they're not (usually) completely contrived. Maybe such a venture would die a miserable death but I'd like to see one that tried. Don't insult the viewers' intelligence.

Another storyline was the burgeoning relationship between Evan and Carly. He's really grown on her. That would be great if they came out of this a real-life couple if for nothing else than to show the non-reality-TV-watching world that not all contestants are gorgeous young and vapid models.

Carly and Evan actually kissed. For realsies this time! More than once!

Then there was Daniel. When he was on The Bachelorette, I wasn't a fan. But he's sure gotten the better edit this time around. The guy is funny. He made a horrible choice, though. The men were in control so he had to choose between Sarah, Ashley or the twins. Sarah baked him a half-birthday cake and seemed to really dig him. She asked him if he'd lick the frosting off her. Yes, Sarah said this! She's really loosening up. Daniel coldly, but humorously, says, "We'll see." Sarah asked, "What's there to think about?" Daniel says it depends if she had a shower or not.

Why are the twins still a 2-for-1 rose? And why is nobody complaining about this? Not that I (or anyone else) can tell them apart.

The twins say they can't compete with a cake. This is true. But what they have on their side is 1.5 brains. So Emily tells Haley she has to kiss Daniel. No way. Haley couldn't possibly. Emily keeps at her and Haley relents, saying he's not the ugliest person she's ever kissed. She'll do it for a rose. Emily says Haley will love it and swallow it.

So she sits down at the throne of Papa Bear and stiffly talks to him. You know, Carly says Evan has now swag. I say the twins have zero swag. Anyway, at the end of her awkward talk with Daniel, Haley goes in for a very brief kiss on the lips, saying, "I'll leave you with that." Then tells the cameras that, "I think my sister and I are safe because of these magical lips."

As crazy as it seems, Daniel fell for it. But you could understand his dilemma. He had three fetishes to choose from: twins, a virgin, and someone with one hand. He went with the twins.

Before the rose ceremony, Ashley was fretting about going home. "What is there I could do to not go home tonight?" she asked. Oh, I dunno. Maybe be normal for half an hour? Too much to ask? Yeah, I thought so.

Ash talks to Daniel and he's even harsher than Nick. Jared says Jared is ugly. "You don't want to settle for ugly guys." Then he suggests she "slut it up" a little bit. You know, sleep around. Have some fun. "Better to learn at this age than when you're 40," he says.

At the rose ceremony, it went thusly:

• Grant gave his rose to Lace
• Josh groaned his rose to Amanda
• Nick handed his to Jen
• Vinny naturally gave his to the love of his life, Izzy
• Evan bequeathed his to Carly
• Jared made the best choice with Caila
• Daniel split his with the twins

So Sarah and Ashley were sent home. Sarah thought she got played the fool. But she leaves. That's more than we can say about Ashley. Ash got in the car and blubbered for a bit then told the driver to stop. She got out and returned to the celebrating couples and asked if she could return. She's turned over a new leaf, she informs them. And they agree to let her back in the fold. And the producers had absolutely nothing to do with this! Repeat: The producers had absolutely nothing to do with this! Repeat: The producers had absolutely nothing to do with this!

How unfair is it for poor Sarah. This show, and all its iterations, keeps saying there are no rules even when there are. Obviously not everyone can just refuse to go. If they did, it would be chaos. But you know, Emily is there, too, and she got no rose, so maybe it's cool.

In the morning, Nick tells Ashley to be her best self the rest of the time. And from that point on, she was a deceitful witch.

Time for some new blood. A tattooed yob named Carl entered. Totally Emily's type. She gets to go on a date with him.

Then Brett and a lamp enter. Apparently the guy brought a lamp with him when he met Andi. I don't remember that. Izzy loves what Brett is bringing. Not the lamp. She's overwhelmed at how attracted she is to him. But Brett was hoping for Caila. And there she is! Phase 1 of Operation Ashley goes into effect. She tells Brett he should ask Caila on the date. Anyone's an option. "Ask whoever you want to ask out," she says.

So he does. Jared's shoulders physically sank when Brett asked Caila on a date. Caila says she can't not give Brett a chance. He's fun and charismatic. But she has to ask Jared first. Jared goes into full passive aggressive mode, saying it's up to her.

Okay, that worked. She's not going! Phew! Jared really dodged a bullet there! He kisses her a ton, even though her mouth is tight like she doesn't want kisses from him. Then she says she's unsure of how she feels so she decides to go on the date after all.

Poor Jared!

She goes back to Brett and tells her she's not going. Phew! Jared dodged a second bullet! She came to her senses!

She and Brett go for a little stroll during which time she decides, what the hay, she'll go on the date.

But they keep walking and she flip-flops again. She'll stay back with Jared. Lucky Jared! A third bullet dodged!

They keep walking and Caila decides maybe she'd like to go on the date, after all.

Poor Jared!

And that's her final answer. Off they go on their double-date with Emily and Clark... No, Kevin... No, it's Carl. That's it. (Nobody can remember his name, not even his date, Emily.)

Jared thinks karma is kicking him in the ass since he went on lots of dates with women and ended all the relationships. Ashley, needless to say, is loving it.

The double-dating tandem are on a booze cruise with a bunch of people they don't know. It's not even that big a boat. But they're dancing and grinding. Emily has her legs wrapped around Carl's midsection. "She's riding him like Seabiscuit," said Brett. I love a good 60-year-old pop culture reference.

So everyone is whooping it up except the graceful (if indecisive) Caila. More power to her. She says not a single person who knows her would predict she'd party it up on a booze cruise. She becomes more lovable by the second.

Ashley "comforts" Jared telling him he can cry if he wants to. Why is he even talking to her? He even tells her he's glad she came back to Paradise. And she repeats that Caila is a "backstabbing whore."

But Jared doesn't know Caila's not having a blast. She regrets going on the date. When she returns to what passes for civilization, she tells Jared she went on the date because she felt she should. Huge relief. Meanwhile, Ashley is lurking, eavesdropping on her worst nightmare. Cue the bawling.

Haley, who received Daniel's rose, thinks Daniel is strange. She's not connected to him at all. A new guy shows up. Ryan, dubbed The Silver Fox by Daniel, says he's best remembered on The Bachelorette for not being remembered. Ah, he's that one! He's a self-described normal guy with bad jokes, bad dancing, and no game. This is what Haley likes. She and Emily, alike in so many ways, couldn't be more different in their tastes for men.

After talking with Ashley, Ryan immediately realizes he should not ask this possessed woman out so he asks Haley. Despite promises to the contrary, Papa Bear can't stop the Silver Fox from stealing the Pigeon. Brett and Haley go horseback riding.

Meanwhile, back in Paradise, Grant has prepared a romantic surprise for Lace. It's his and hers massages. Then they hit the hot tub where he professes his love for her. He wants a future with her. He tells her a few times, "I love you." Flat out. To Lace. Uh huh. Tears stream down her face. Lace being Lace responds with, "More champagne, please!"

The other big storyline was Vinny and Izzy, an item since day one. Inseparable. But now she's got the hots for Brett. He's her "perfect man." She says she has "certain doubts" about Vinny so why can't she explore something else? She doesn't want to live with regrets. She tells Vinny she's at 75 percent. She tells him when Brett walked in she flipped because he's very attractive. Ouch. That's gotta hurt.

Vinny is heartbroken. Wants to leave. Even Carly can't understand it. "How did the lamp guy break up the strongest couple in the house?" she says. Then again, Carly is with Evan, so, you know.

Vinny, in a rare move, actually leaves after saying he wants to leave. The man has integrity. Izzy says she feels like a shitty person. But only because she is. It'd be so sweet if things don't work out between Izzy and Brett.

Jade and Tanner, who got engaged in Paradise last year, show up to give everyone a glimpse into Relationships Future. They have a date card to hand out but want to talk to every couple first so the most deserving gets it.

Grant and Lace didn't do well. Lace is building her wall. Afterwards, they talk. Grant says, "I've told you how I feel about you." Lace says warmly, "I'm aware. You repeat yourself a lot, Grant." Yeah. One "I love you" should last a lifetime.

Josh and Amanda are next. Josh says Amanda's a great mother. "All she does is talk about her kids," he says. I assume he means when he takes his tongue out of her mouth long enough for her to say something.

Caila and Jared look the best together in front of the judging couple. Caila snuggles into Jared's side nicely, not in an overbearing or "look at us" kind of way. Naturally. They don't try too hard.

Ashley, for some reason, gets an audience with Jade and Tanner, too, even though she's on her own. She called herself the "least desirable woman in the kingdom." But then she slyly (she thinks) makes little digs at Caila in hopes that the date card won't be awarded to them. She tells Jade and Tanner that Caila is a faker and isn't as into Jared as he is into her.

Guess who gets the date card? Caila and Jared. Nothing works for Ashley. Love it. Ashley, though, is a God-fearing woman through and through. She clasps her hands together and speaks to her Lord and creator: "Dear God. Please hope [sic] that Jared realizes that Caila sucks and that I'm a lot more fun and she's a piece of shit." Such a pious young lady.

They go on a date to the same place Jade and Tanner fell in love. Ash is beside herself. She even has nice-ish things to say about Caila: "Caila has the sex appeal that I don't. She is the flirty sexy girl and I am like... not sexy." Yeah, if you had to describe Caila, you'd say she's a "flirty sexy girl." Ashley also says if they got a fantasy suite, it would "literally murder" her.

But she's still got tricks up her sleeve. She knows Jared better than Caila, she says, so knows how to get a reaction out of him. "I can make out with his mind," she says. "I can dig deep in him. It's fun to threaten her."

She tells Jared that Caila isn't that into him, says she just likes being on TV, and finally, is "not awesome." Old Botox Head accusing someone else of just liking to be on TV... That's rich!

Jared goes back to dear sweet Caila with this nonsense. He even has the temerity to say that Ashley doesn't say bad things about Caila. I guess Jared thinks being a backstabbing whore is a compliment.

Caila then talks to Ashley, who says she wants to scratch Caila's eyes out when Caila refers to her and Jared as "we." That's quite some leaf she turned over!

Carly and Evan went on a date to a sweat lodge, let's not forget about that. He's never felt this way about a girl before. Carly asked him if he had lots of girlfriends in high school. He said he had a "few long-term ones." How freaking long was this guy in high school?!

In the sweat lodge, Evan says, "I really want to pursue you." Odd phrasing, but he was hot and sweating and probably wasn't thinking clearly. Carly says she's fallen more and more for Evan every single day. They have a long steamy kiss. Another real one. Her lady boner is finally back, she says.

I also watched After Paradise starring Glib and Dull but there was nothing to report. Vinny and Izzy were both on it but I don't know where they stand. The most interesting thing was when Nick said he has a terrible diet. Glib asked him what he eats, then promptly interrupted him so we'll never know.

And that's that.

Bachelor in Paradise: Go home already!

Late musings on BiP. Who needs to read a recap right after you watched the show? Chew on this over the weekend and you'll be up to speed on Monday. And Tuesday, if they're going to insist on continuing this hectic schedule.

MONDAY

We started the week off with Evan, the 97-pound weakling, homing in on alpha male Josh's girl, Amanda. She was the one he came to paradise for, allegedly, so why not act on it? What does he have to lose? He's already lost all self-respect. What's the worst that could happen? She could (and will) say no. Oh, and I suppose he could get punched in the face by Josh. The editors keep hinting that he gets punched but it's never happened. Maybe one day. We can dream.

Evan interrupts the endless smooching from Josh and Amanda and presents her with a fake date card he made up. He takes her off to a tree house and creeps us all out by saying he's been watching her from afar.

While Amanda is trying her best to stifle a laugh, Josh is back at the make-out bunker chowing down on pizza. He groans when he eats, too. Or so we're led to believe. His moaning and groaning while kissing has become a running gag. It is my belief that the editors have simply taken out a few choice groans and are now inserting them in the soundtrack whenever he kisses or eats. I refuse to believe he's grunting that much.

Amanda tells Evan that she was "surprised" by him in the first week and suggests he should have said something then. Yeah, as if. She's touched by his chutzpah. He now has a glimmer of hope. And we know that's all Evan needs.

Amanda reports back to Josh as he makes love to his pizza. She thinks he totally got it. I guarantee he didn't hear a single word she said.

Turns out Evan totally misread what Amanda said. He reports to others that she came to Paradise for him and wanted to go out with him. Go figure.

Daniel does Vinny a solid and shaves his back for him. He asks Vinny why he didn't do this before he came and Vinny said he did but it grows back so quick. That's a true friend – a guy who'll shave your back for you.

Josh is a real sweater. As in he sweats profusely. Chris Harrison points it out and it's really noticeable. This will come into play later on.

At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony where two guys will be sent home, Christian kisses Sarah. Then Sarah wants to do a taste test with Daniel so she can figure out who to give her rose to. As he's about to go in for the kiss, a bee impregnates his chin. That's what we say in Canada when you get stung. But he kisses her anyway. She says it was good but not great. Hey, he had a bee sting! You try kissing someone when a bee just impregnated your chin!

Evan says there's no way he's getting a rose tonight so before he leaves he needs to take Josh's tongue out of Amanda's mouth one more time. He pulls her aside and warns her about the revelations in Andi's tell-all book. Apparently he was portrayed as a verbal abuser. Amanda should know, Evan thinks. I'm wondering how Evan knew. He got an advanced copy? Or did, perchance, the producers feed him excerpts so he could create "drama"?

Amanda consults her gal pals and Lace concurs, agreeing with Evan that she should be careful of Josh. "We've all told you," she said. Then she sits down to tell Grant about what Evan told Amanda about Josh (following me?). Turns out Josh is sitting right beside Grant. Good old flaky Lacey.

So then Josh has a man-to-half-man with Evan out on the beach. Josh says the worst thing is talking behind someone's back and gossiping. I think we all know now thanks to Bad Chad there are plenty more worse things one can do.

Josh tells Evan not to judge people, even though he (Josh) sometimes judges people himself. Evan handles himself reasonably well. He tells Josh he's too polished because he always knows what to say. In fact, Josh's polish has polish.

Josh tells Evan that Andi's book is fictional. Or at least the "story" about him is. Evan catches him off guard by asking if it's fictional, why doesn't he sue her for libel? There's a pause you could drive a truck through. Josh eventually comes up with, Why even acknowledge something that's so fictional? He'll take the higher road. He's not that kind of person.

Evan: "There's an ocean of words but there's no thoughts. He was spouting inspirational quotes to me." Nailed it.

Josh says people can see the connection he has with Amanda. He really makes sure of that, doesn't he?

Nick also warns Amanda about Josh. And sweet naive Amanda says she values both their opinions because "they wouldn't do that for no reason." Not the deepest of thinkers, that Amanda. She can't see any reason why two guys who've openly expressed their lust for her might want to trash the guy she's attached at the tongue to.

Rose time:

• Lace gives her rose to Grant
• Izzy hands hers out to Vinny
• Emily goes for Jared
• Amanda surprises no one with Josh
• Sarah crushes Christian by choosing Daniel
• Carly gives a platonic rose to Evan
• Haley and the producers give a rose to Nick

So goodbye to Christian and Brandon, both good guys but the producers can't have paradise full of decent people. They need drama! They need sex appeal! They need Nick!

And then... Caila!!! She is radiant. It's amazing how everyone generally knows everyone else's names as they enter for the first time. I had a huge crush on Caila and I couldn't come up with her name if you gave me all week. But I know that face anywhere!

All the guys are in love with her, as well they should be. The girls think she's too perfect, as well she is.

And in however many pathetic seasons Jared has been doing these shows, he's never lit up like he lit up with Caila. That girl is like G.E.

When Caila asks Jared on her date, he says he has to ask Emily first. What a gentleman. Although he would have accepted no matter what Emily said. He very passive aggressively tells Emily, "I really do like you. I mean that. Here's the truth: I feel like if I don't go, I might regret it." What's a girl to say to that?!

Emily tells him she wants him to go. She knows how to play the passive aggressive game, too. Then she tells the camera she's used to being the one to break hearts, not the other way around.

Jared and Caila go horseback riding. They kiss on the beach and I do believe it's the first time in history Jared has ever initiated a kiss. I don't like Emily's chances. Emily says she's prettier than, and just as sweet as, Caila. Not even close. Then she adds that Caila has "fat lips" so she's probably a better kisser. You can take that to the bank.

When Jared returns, he has the hard talk with Emily. And Emily this time out passive-aggressives him. She says she doesn't want to hold him back. Only it didn't work. Jared took the opportunity to bolt faster than Usain.

Emily says it's the story of her life. Guys always pick someone else "and they're always way uglier than me so there must be something wrong with me." She's half right.

Izzy, Vinny, Grant, and Lace got the first ever double-date. They went partying in a club. Lace almost got in a fight. There are tequila shooters and suds dropping from the ceiling. Lace on the floor has her face humped by Grant. It reminds her of high school, she says.

Back in Paradise, Carly, Evan, Sarah and Daniel decided to have their own private double-date. Daniel pigged out on broccoli. The other three started a drinking game. Every time Daniel says "eh?" or "anyways" or does a push-up, the others take a drink.

Then Daniel and Sarah egg Carly and Evan on, trying to get them to recreate their "record"-breaking kiss. Carly is not amused. Evan is digging it. But Carly is warming to Evan. She says he's so nice but has "zero swag." If he just acted normal, she might like him.

On his way out, Carly asks him for a hug. Not a kiss. But a hug is a kiss to Evan. Hell, a sideways glance is an invitation to a kiss for Evan. "All I wanted was for him to be normal," she says. "Nope. Not good old Evan. He will not disappoint. He shall be weird."

Evan stumbles back to his room and passes out. For some reason, a producer tries to wake him. I guess he needed to talk to the camera. But he wasn't budging. The producer calls it a "medical issue." When the medic arrives, Evan is totally fine and can't understand why they're there. Do the producers  call the medics just for the drama? Yes. Yes, they do.

But Evan tells Carly he's felt loopy all day so she stays with him. Mission accomplished. She's falling harder now. She says she's attracted to weird and Evan's got both good and bad weird. Then he tries to hit on her, grabbing her as they lie on his cot. She rebuffs him for a second but then gives in. He's showing swag!

Meanwhile, Josh and Amanda are getting it on in bed. Amanda whispers, "You're so sweaty."

Next day Ashley arrives. I didn't recognize her at first.

TUESDAY

I still can't figure out how Ashley looks different. I'm thinking it must be plastic surgery, but that makes no sense because she's only 27 and she was beautiful before. So I Google it. Apparently she's been trumpeting botox. She's been taking it for preventative measures for a year now. Bad move. Also, I'm guessing, there's a bucketful of collagen in her upper lip. I shake my head. Yes, I realize the correct response to plastic surgery is it's none of our business and if it makes a person feel good, more power to them. But I can't believe everyone who gets some work done is always happy with the results. We all have ideal visions of out visages in our minds but that doesn't mean the doctor will be able to replicate what you're dreaming about. And if it comes out not the way they had hoped, can we not feel bad for them? Or even for ourselves? We're the ones who have to look at them.

Judging from my cursory Google search, there have been a number of former Bachelor/ette people who have gone under the knife. Closest to my heart is Jillian. Hope she's happy with her new look. I'm not but she shouldn't care about that. She was great before. Caila, if you're reading this, don't do it! Apparently producers have also encouraged and/or paid for some contestants to get work done. Boo.

Anyway, back to Ashley. She tells Chris Harrison her goal is to cry only three times. Harrison cheekily asks, "A day?" No, the whole time. Her goal is shattered twenty minutes into day one.

She says she and Jared are besties, but it'll never be strict friendship in her mind. He shut down any possibility of anything about five months prior. Yet she holds out hope like Evan. Maybe those two should hook up.

Jared says he was caught off-guard seeing Ashley. Why, exactly? I'd be caught off-guard if she wasn't there. The producers love a drama queen and there's no way she has a boyfriend in real life. It's a no-brainer.

So she enters and immediately starts running her mascara. She says she and Caila hung out and that Caila told her Jared is "so not her type." She is crushed. She thought of every worst-case scenario in her mind except that actual worst-case scenario. Now she thinks she should just go home. The twins talk her out of it. I'd have loved for them to say, "Yeah, you're probably right. Cut your losses and leave. See ya."

Ashley then goes off to cry alone. Or was she really alone? The editors made it look like she was talking to a parrot. Like a real conversation. Of course that didn't happen any more than Josh grunting with every bite and kiss. But I wonder who she was really talking to.

Then Ashley calls beautiful, perfect Caila a "backstabbing whore of a friend." Then she tries the "I should leave" thing with Jared. And he, of all people, talks her out of it! Come on! Call her bluff!

She has a date card and both she and Jared seem to consider Daniel her only option. Why is that? Nick is sitting around bored out of his mind. Why isn't he an option?

So she takes Daniel on a date and they have a wonderful time. She's the most human I've ever seen her. Daniel charms her with his Canadian sarcasm. He asks her if her virginity is a religious thing. It's not. He asks if she's interested in having sex in the near future? Is she curious at all? She gives a funny look but doesn't say anything. I assume that means, "Duh!" But who knows?

Then Daniel tells her dryly that he swings both ways only on Fridays. She plays along, asking who he has his eye on. He says it's Nick. He's 35 and has experience so he'd know what he's doing. Unlike most people in this show, Daniel doesn't deliver his line with a defensive laugh to show he's kidding. Well played. Luckily (or not), Ashley gets him.

He tells the camera that her virginity is "kind of a big turn-on." Maybe he can deflower this American beauty, he wonders. "Does she want some Canadian bacon with maple syrup drizzled on it? Maybe some Canadian sausage and bacon. Maybe she wants some Canadian poutine. I might get frisky real quick." You just know some people don't get him at all or just dismiss him as "weird." But he's pretty damn funny. And intentionally so. (If you don't know, another Vancouverite, Seth Rogan, wrote and stars in Sausage Party. Must be something in the water.)

The date ends when a bunch of traditional dancers come in and say they need to sacrifice a virgin. Then they carry Ashley away leaving Daniel sitting there alone. And that's that. Oh, if it only were so! But no, Ashley is still around.

Another new face arrives. "People might remember her as the more reserved one," someone said of Jen. Uh, really? Zero recollection on my part, but you know that by now.

More Daniel gold. Jen's date card is for time cruising on a boat. Daniel offers to pay her if she takes him. "Unfortunately it's going to be in Canadian dollars so it's not worth much these days." She goes with Nick instead, because that's how it's scripted.

Back to Evan's non-medical issue. An actress playing a medic tells him he needs to go to the hospital because his ankle is a bit swollen. He thinks it's ridiculous but again realizes it's a great opportunity to be with Carly. So he gets in the ambulance and the actress playing a medic puts an IV needle into his arm, drawing all sorts of blood, just the way an actress would do it. We've seen this clip in upcoming highlights for a while now. In the actual show, there was no drama attached to it. Nary even a mention.

Carly and Evan have fun with the fake doctor in the fake hospital and she realizes she's "reboarded the Evan train." She figures she was looking for a good person all this time and Evan is "one of the best people at heart" she's ever met. Aww! She likes him! Hey Mikey!

On their date, Nick tells Jen he came to Paradise "with a lot of hesitation." Yeah, he's always been really shy around cameras and publicity. They lie on a beach surrounded by creepy crabs. Why would anyone go to a beach in Mexico?

Meanwhile, back at Ashleyville, Nick talks to her like she needs to be talked to. He's firm and harsh but fair. He asks if she couldn't have mentally prepared herself a little better. Great question, right? Not sure anything registers with her, but maybe when she's rewatching herself over and over again in the years to come, something will sink in. He asks if she's hopeful that Jared will meet someone. Crying, she says no because she still likes him. Then Nick tells her point blank, "This isn't love; it's infatuation." Okay, okay, forget for a moment this is coming from a guy who's been on I don't know how many seasons of The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise and has been engaged a couple of times. His point is still valid.

Ashley affirms that it is, indeed, love. "No it's not. Not even close," Nick tells her. She screams, "You can't tell me that!" He replies calmly, "Yeah, I can. I'm certain. You're not going to be with him. I'm sorry. You will never be with Jared." Now I think there's a role for Nick in every future season. It can be a segment called, "Straight Talk with Nick" where he just tells it like it is.

Jared is extremely frustrated with Ashley's usual shenanigans. She tells him she's never felt this way about any other guy so it's hard to let it go. "How am I supposed to find another you?!" It occurs to me that maybe this is the out this virgin needs to prolong her chastity. She really has no interest in sex (or maybe is scared) so she pretends she's fixated on someone she knows has no interest in her. That way it can appear she's actively trying even though it's fruitless.

For the third time, Ashley brings up the option of leaving. "I should go fucking home," she says. "I don't want to be here. I sincerely don't want to be here for any more time." Please, someone put her out of her misery and send a car.

Something happens next week. But is it what was suggested? It looks like several people will arrive at once. And it looks like the perfect Caila will turn her back on Jared. And even Izzy will have second thoughts about Vinny, causing him to cry. We'll just have to wait and see. But only a couple more sleeps. Hang in there.