The final rose: Noooooo!!!!!!

How about that season finale?! It was, I understand, the most emotional one in Bachelorette history.

The show is set on the big island of Hawaii. Doesn’t it have a name? (That was honestly my thought at the time. Later in the show, the graphics said, “Big Island, Hawaii”, so the joke’s on me. And they say Americans don’t know geography!)

We all know how it ended by this point, so what’s the point in keeping up the suspense. But I’ll still go through as I saw it because the producers were once again toying with us. Judging by what we saw in the episode, I think everyone would have guessed that Kiptyn would have been the one. Let’s look at the evidence.

Jillian has one last date with each of the two remaining bachelors, Ed and Kiptyn, and they meet her family. She tells us that her fantasy suite date with Ed “messed with both of our heads.”

Ed arrives in a pink shirt. It looks good, actually. Is that so wrong to say? He’s wearing long shorts, though. I’d have loved to seen the pink shirt with the short green swim trunks he favours.

Grandma, the darling of last season, is a bit player this time around. She opines that Ed is terrifically good looking. And he is, I’ll grant you. But he’s as dull as a board. Glenn, the dad, says, “Obviously there’s been a little bit of magic happening here.” Uh, not so much, dad. But dad doesn’t need to find out about the fantasy suite misfire just yet.

Ed tells the family that he was married to his jahb, tells them how he left Jillian and that he could naht stahp thinking about this woman. They sat and nodded, pretending to understand his midwestern dialect.

Then Ma Peggy rattles off a bunch of written out questions. Jillian certainly comes by her job interview style of dating honestly. We learn that Ed wants to have three kids, he sees themselves retired in Hawaii in 30 or 40 years, and that if you have honesty and love between two people, nothing can go wrong in a relationship. I guess we can take from this that Ed doesn’t really have a girlfriend back in Chi-town. I guess we’ll eventually find out. Regardless, Peg is pleased with Ed’s dull, rehearsed answers.

Yes, we get hints that Ed might be the one when Jillian says she’s not scared of engagement with him or a proposal. In fact, she’s excited about it. Go figure. Still, there's way more excitement with Kiptyn.

Ed then sucks up to Glenn by asking him how he’d feel if he (Ed) asked him to marry his daughter. Glenn says he’d be so happy he’d be doing somersaults. My stomach is doing somersaults at the thought of Jillian picking this ho-hum hunk.

Then the family invites Ed for a faux-hula dance. They all dress up in grass skirts and coconut shell boobies. Oh what fun. Ed says he’d love to be part of that family. But remember his parents? The Harris clan must seem exotic compared to the Swiderskis. You heard me. Swiderski. Jillian Swiderski. Rolls right off the tongue, don’t it?

Next up is Kiptyn, whom Jillian can’t wait to hug and kiss. Way, way more chemistry (i.e. tonsil hockey a-plenty). They didn’t show this kind of action with Ed which led us to believe it wasn’t there. But it must have been. There must have been something there besides what we saw with Ed. For their sake, I hope there was.

I loved Peggy’s line: “There’s excitement today knowing that Jill is bringing home another guy.” What a liberal family.

Jillian says Kip is a guy she can picture spending the rest of her life with... if he aces this day. And he does. With flying colours.

Peggy nabs Kiptyn for the same questions. We learn that Kiptyn wants at least two kids, that communication is if not number one, then really close to it, and that he visualizes his and Jill’s relationship in 30 or 40 years as best friends. Peg thinks Kiptyn is more like Jillian. They have a similar energy. She thinks he seems like a free spirit. That right there tells you just how dull Ed is. Only Ed could make a tight ass like Kiptyn seem like a free spirit.

Grandma weighs in: Kiptyn is “very, very, very, very nice.” Okay, someone put grandma away. She’s done for the episode.

Glenn asks Kiptyn if he’s in love. Kiptyn starts talking as a way to avoid the question. “I’m getting there a lot quicker than I thought I would,” he says. “I can see myself with Jill. She’s incredible. I can see myself marrying her.” He says he’d never propose without being sure. Dad says that if you can win over his daughter, you’ve got a partner for life. I believe that. I think the world of Jillian. All along, though, I’ve questioned her taste in men (and music). And tonight only confirmed that. Still, she’d make a great partner.

Then we get more scenes of them making out. She says, “When we’re together, I just never want him to leave.” Man, I thought at the time, if she picks Ed he is not going to like seeing this. No wonder these relationships rarely work out. The couple has to stay apart until the airing of the series and by that time they see their future wife shacking up with all the other guys.

Now Jillian gets some alone time with her family to pick their brains about the two guys. Peggy is drawn to Kiptyn’s energy. She thought Ed seemed quite in control and reserved. Boring is the word you’re looking for, mum. Glenn says they’re both gentlemen. Jill’s cousin seemed to like Kiptyn a lot better. Glenn thought Ed was deeper. Yeah, insipid people can often appear to be deep.

Then Jill takes her cousin out back to fill her in on the overnight dates. The cousin listens silently, either completely shocked at her loose cousin or just shocked that she’d be admitting it all to the world. Jillian says there was passion with Kiptyn and she wanted to rip his clothes off. She says it wasn’t there with Ed. And so, once again, we’re led to believe Ed is toast. But apparently Jillian likes dry whitebread toast.

Ed is back, this time with a different pink shirt. Okay, Ed, we get it, you’re comfortable with your sexuality. Bully for you. He piles it on with Jillian. She remarks on the beautiful scenery and he’s in her face telling her she’s beautiful. What a suck.

Hey look! A helicopter! Did not see that coming. The couple fly over a volcano which is spewing more than Ed did the other night.

On the ground, Ed tells Jillian that she looks really haht in the rain. Well, she is from Vancouver. She’s had lots of practice.

Ed gives her the it’s-tough-for-me-to-open-up speech. Uh, Ed, you were the only guy to utter those three little words to Jillian in the personal video. Nice try. This guy is all about rehearsed speeches. Jejune ones at that.

They kiss but it really looks to me like he’s feeling them more than she is. Maybe I just don’t want to see it. He tells her, “I will never leave you again.” God, he’s like a junior high Casanova.

He then invites Jillian back to “his” place. “I want tonight to be the perfect night. I’m ready to take this to the next level.” I hope he remembered the Cialis.

Again, he tells her, “I would like to be with you forever.” God, he’s cloying. As they lie on the bed, her body language is not suggesting that this is the guy. She just lies there placid. She’s not even wrapping her legs around him. You know it’s a bad sign when the patented Harris leg-wrap isn’t there.

We never find out how this evening to remember went. Did she rip his clothes off? Was there passion? Could Ed get it up? Instead, we’re on to Kiptyn.

More intense kisses for Kiptyn. And what’s more, she tells us she’s in love with Kiptyn. Remember that later when she tells him at the altar that she’s fallen in love with somebody else.

They paddle a surfboard to a private beach for a picnic. Kiptyn’s got more of a ripped body than Ed, that’s for sure. Ed, at 29, is starting to show a little pudge. And you only need to look at his dad to peer into his future. That Chicago diet doesn’t do wonders for a boy’s figure.

Jillian is doing all the moves with Kiptyn that aren’t there with Ed. She even straddles him on the surfboard. That’s what I’m talking about!

Now it’s Kiptyn’s turn for the lame speech, in his case the I-move-slower-than-other-people- in-this-process talk. He says he’d be really hurt if he lost her, and Jillian’s eyes light up. All this time she was worried that Kiptyn never had his heart broken. He was always the dumper, not the dumpee. This was the beginning of the end for Kiptyn. He tells her he’s falling in love with her, he’s ready to commit, he wants her to move down to San Diego and meet all his friends. But Jillian has other thoughts. She must do this for all women.

On the morning of the final rose ceremony, a camera is there to greet Jillian as she arises from her bed. That’s a little creepy, no? Is someone in there watching her sleep?

Her thoughts on the two gentlemen are that Kiptyn is the perfect package for her, yet she loves Ed’s aura and energy. She obviously mixed up the message her mom gave her. Peggy loved Kiptyn’s energy.

Jillian also says here that she “definitely love[s] both guys, 100 percent.” So what’s this nonsense about her falling in love with another guy (Ed)? She loves them both.

We see and hear the bachelors. Kiptyn jogs pigeon-toed along the beach, saying he wants to be the last man standing with Jillian by his side. Ed sees them being husband and wife. Kiptyn and Ed both shop for rings at the same shop. What a coincky-dink!

Ed says he would be devastated if Jillian didn’t pick him and he’s never been this in love in his life. His girlfriends back home in Chicago won’t be too thrilled with that.

Jillian walks the plank to her spot. We know ahead of time that the first guy is a goner because she’s telling us that she’s got to tell him he’s incredible but not the one. Kiptyn steps from the limo and I'm flummoxed. Damn you, producers! Why do you trifle with our emotions like that?

But Kiptyn is oblivious. They greet. She smiles. He tells her how nervous and excited he is. Stop talking, Kiptyn. Please. C’mon, Jillian, interrupt him for once. This is the equivalent of DeAnna letting Jason get down on one knee. It’s painful. He keeps talking. Shut up, already! “I don’t know what to say... I love you and I want to spend this life with you.” You idiot!

Finally Jillian speaks. She tells him how incredible he is, he’s all the things she’s always dreamed of. Now the tears start and Kiptyn gets a clue something’s not right. “I’ve fallen in love with somebody else.” Liar!

Okay, that’s technically true, but that shouldn’t discount the love she said she felt for Kiptyn. She should just tell him the truth, that she needs a karaoke-singing hunky nerd with no personality to offset her magnetism and larger-than-life personality. And Kiptyn was just too much free spirit for her.

Kiptyn says it hurts a lot, but “I’m a man and I’ll have to get through this.” He wants her to be happy. They embrace. “You’re incredible and Ed’s a lucky man.” Is he ever.

Jill sees him to the limo. Kiptyn says – and this is key – “I’ve never had my heart broken before.” She got you! She got you good! Now you’re finally perfect, Kiptyn. Ironically, she can’t have you. This is a real O. Henry story.

As Jill is focussing all her energy on Ed, a cab rolls up. Who could it be? Someone in sneakers has crashed the party. Why, look, it’s Reid! Here he comes to save the day! Oh, please, Lord, let him save the day.

Chris Harrison tells Reid that he doesn’t have much time because Ed is on his way. So out he goes to see Jillian. “Oh... my... God,” says Jillian. She looks happy. And surprised. As they hug, she looks extremely worried, like she’s thinking ahead to what she must do.

“I had to come back,” he tells her. Reid pulls an Ed on Ed! Priceless. “I was an idiot this entire time. I know you felt how I felt. I came back to tell you that, and to tell you that I love you and hopefully you feel the same way,” he says with rising intonation on the last word, like it’s a question.

“Oh, my God,” says Jillian. “I don’t know what to think right now. Letting you go was the hardest thing I had to do.” Uh, remember Kiptyn? Hello? That was about, what, 15 minutes ago?

“I had a pit in my stomach the last few days,” he tells her. “The last time I had a feeling like that was when I was in love. I told you I like you this much; I love you this much.”

He also tells her that he doesn’t see her with either Ed or Kiptyn. “I only see you with me.” So do I, Reid, so do I. Unfortunately, Chris Harrison doesn’t want it to be.

Reid gets down on one knee and kind of proposes. “I love you and you’re somebody I could spend the rest of my life with.” She smiles. Then heaves a sigh with a furrowed brow. She gets him up. “I don’t know,” she says. “I have missed you so much, but I need to think about this.”

“What is there to think about?” Reid asks.

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” She’s tormented. “Let me think about this. And wait for me, okay?” She smiles.

While she was back in the house thinking, I was hoping Ed would show up and the two boys would duke it out. Instead Chris Harrison plants seeds in her head, leading her to choose the dull one over funny Reid.

Jillian: “How am I supposed to make a decision?”
Chris: “It’s still up to you. If you are in love with Ed, you can stand by your convictions. But are you in love with Reid?”
Jillian: “How is somebody supposed to make a decision like this?”
Chris: “Because you know, right? Are you excited about the prospect of Ed proposing?”
Jillian: “Yes.”
Chris: “Then there’s no question what you need to do.”

No, no, no! There’s plenty of question, Chris! Of course she was excited about Ed proposing. She had made her decision between the two dull guys and the duller one won out. That feeling doesn’t just disappear in a matter of minutes. That’s no reason to send her out there to give Reid the boot.

Jillian says, “I know my heart is with Ed.” Dumb girl. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I think Jillian felt more a sense of responsibility to Ed than anything. “I still don’t know what to think,” she tells Reid. “You’re not crazy. We do have that connection. It’s fun and it’s what I was looking for. And it was hard to let you go. I guess I just... I don’t know. I love the situation I’m in. I really, truly have fallen in love with somebody since. I can’t let him go now.” And there you have it. She is loyal, that girl.

Reid says, “It just doesn’t make sense.”

“This is not easy. At all. That’s why I was trying to get you to open up.”

Okay, but now he has. Don’t let Ed ruin this season for me, you selfish little harlot!

“Some people are better [at it] than others,” Reid explains about his reluctance to open up. “I was trying but my fears got in my way.”

She then talks into his shoulder, thanking him for what he did. I needed subtitles to catch all she said. None were forthcoming.

He gets in the cab and completes his drive of shame. Reid says he has no regrets about going back and professing his love.

Jillian says, “I know for sure now, 110 percent, that Ed is the person I want to be with.” Whatever. Then, on the altar (or whatever that platform is), “Ed better not fucking disappoint me.” Why not? He disappointed me long ago.

With all this drama unfolding, and Kiptyn completely out of the picture, it made me think of Farrah Fawcett, who would never know that Michael Jackson would die just hours after her. Kiptyn in the role of Farrah, while Reid played Jacko.

“Ed is the person I’m meant to be with. I can see him in my life long term. Forever. Fifty years down the road. We are best friends. We have that laughter. We have that spark and that chemistry.” Uh, need I remind you of the fantasy suite? I think Ed won her over the night he got drunk and was a loveable lush. No doubt he’d be more forgiving of her drunken episodes than uptight Kiptyn.

Ed arrives and starts in on another rehearsed speech. Blah, blah, blah. I’m not even paying attention. Dullsville, daddy-o. What a huge disappointment. “I love you so much,” he says. Blech.

He gets down on one knee. “I wanna be with you forever. I want you to give me a hard time when we’re 80 years old. Jillian, will you marry me?”

“Absolutely!” she squeals, and does the patented Harris leg-wrap.

A musical montage plays over video of Jillian and Ed: “They say, they say that love don’t come easy...”

Nah, that would have been too perfect.

Take a look at last week's poll, over there on the left: Who will get the final rose? I asked. Sixty-one percent of you said Reid. Thirty percent said Kiptyn. Only seven percent said Ed. Sure, only 13 people voted, but I think that's representative. At least, I choose to believe it.

I have come full circle on this season. Jillian remains one of my all-time favourites, but I started out thinking this was the worst season ever. Then it grew on me. I liked enough of the players and things got going. Guys came and went (and didn’t come). We had David the psycho, Wes the cad, Jake the hero, Tanner the foot freak. Good stuff. Sure, she got rid of Reid in the penultimate episode, but we all knew he was coming back. With two dullards left, he was a cinch to sweep Jillian off her beautiful feet. And then... and then... she chooses Ed, who fits his name like nobody else. What can I say?

Worst. Season. Ever.

Case closed.

I can only hope that with the passage of time to real time tomorrow night Jillian pulls her own version of a Mesnick and professes her love for Reid. I'm not holding my breath.

And to make matters even worse, Kiptyn will most likely be the next Bachelor. Snore.