BP: That's all she wrote

So that's that.

Not much to read here because, well, I didn't watch the finale. Basketball season started and I got home when my wife was watching the last 20 minutes. During the Bachelor/ette season, I'd go upstairs until she was finished then watch it all on the PVR. But why bother with this show? So I watched the last 20 minutes with her and never looked back. If I had been home, I would have watched for sure, but I felt no pressing need to catch it no matter what. And that can't be a good thing for a series. That would be like watching every single NFL regular season game then skipping the Super Bowl. When your fans are doing that, there's a problem. Thumbs down from me and the Fonz.

What was it about it? I liked it at first. I think maybe it's because I can't root for the overdog. The least likable people should not win in my books. I didn't like how the show favoured couples since they said it was just a contest for $250,000. I didn't like the duplicity.

So this much I know:

• Gia and her collagen split up with her boyfriend (thanks Bachelor Pad!) and hooked up with Wes.
• Wes continues to sing that nauseating song. Figured out why: It's not that it's the only one he knows how to play; but when I saw everyone singing along to it, I knew it was to ingrain it in all our brains so it becomes a hit. If I never hear it again, it'll be too soon.
• Elizabeth and Kovacs have split up (thanks Bachelor Pad!).
• David's still arrogant.
• Natalie's still vapid.
• When Michelle called out Tenley, all Tenley could do was apologize, but she didn't say if she was misunderstood or didn't mean to spread lies. So the apology was moot, I'd say. You can't punch someone in the face and then say sorry and expect to get away with it. Either it was a misunderstanding or an outright deceit. Only one is excusable.
• I kinda liked the Prisoner's Dilemma situation with the voting, but you know they coached Natalie on her last line, making us think she voted to keep the money. What were they so excited about, though? They were in it to win $250,000, which, after taxes, would still be a couple hundred grand or close to it. And they wound up with $125,000, which, after taxes, is quite a bit less than one hundred grand. I know, nothing to sneeze at, but it's not what they came for, either.
• Melissa is still adorably cute but doesn't have the gravitas to be a good host.
  

That's it. Let's hear what you think (if you even watched).

BP: Turncoats galore

Well, back home after a week away. That means tucking our son in upstairs, far away from the ugly glare of the Bachelor Pad. Thankfully there were no questions from him last week, but he’s probably ruminating about all he witnessed and one day it will come out. Hopefully not on the first day of grade one tomorrow.

Reader Sara wondered in comments section last week if there’d be a "Pad Tells All" type of show. Turns out there will be. And thank God for that. There are so many unanswered questions. Like is Gia single again? Are Elizabeth and Kovacs still a couple? Is the Weather Man out of the closet? Has Gwen had another facelift?

But that’s next week, when this will all be over. Let’s concentrate on this week, if anyone’s still watching (or reading). Here are my random thoughts for the week:

• Reader Sara also mentioned how the edit Elizabeth is getting is not doing her any favours, yet Kovacs, an otherwise sane guy, seems to have strong feelings for her. Ditto Krisily. She was fairly innocuous, wasn’t she? Yet the show starts off with Kovacs saying she’s the last annoying person to be voted off. The edits don’t jibe with what we hear from the competitors.
• Someone had to say it. I don’t remember who it was (one of the ‘in’ guys), but they said, “Don’t hate the players; hate the game.” Can’t we do both?
• When the group finds out there will be spin the bottle, Natalie seems upset, saying, “Are you kidding me?” Is she kidding us? We know she took a kick in the gut last week when everyone voted her a perennial bridesmaid, and she vowed to prove everyone wrong, but it was only a couple weeks ago she was ramming her tongue down everyone’s throat. Yes, even the Weather Man’s. And she said she’d make out with everyone in the house for 20 bucks.
• More weird editing. Kovacs says Elizabeth has a “screw loose” and is “unstable”, yet he chooses her as a partner and shows genuine affection for her (i.e. shtups her in the fantasy suite).
• Gwen, Nikki and Ashley were sent packing, which seemed unfair. I think everyone should have been told it was going to be a couples contest down the road. It would have been way more fun watching everyone try to hook up with someone and we could have watched as they became increasingly desperate. I mean, more desperate than they are.
  
• Bachelor Pad has had some lame contests, but God bless darling Melissa for trying her best to ramp up the excitement with her one sentence per episode. She told the gang, “You’re going to be playing catch...” (insert pregnant pause, and not just because she’s with child) “... with a water balloon!” Wow! A water balloon?! I’ve never heard of such a crazy game of catch, Melissa! That totally threw me for a loop. Man, I thought it was crazy that they’d be playing a game of catch, but throw in that kicker like you did and I was absolutely floored.
• Jesse, that classless halfwit, was all class when his partner Peyton blamed herself for losing the balloon toss. He proved himself to be a gentleman when it got right down to it. And a great teammate.
• God, I love Tenley. She is just so lovably dumb. She’s like a puppy. A really, really stupid puppy. The date card read, “Spend the night under the stars.” Everyone was guessing camping, but Tenley kept saying, without a hint of irony, “Oh my gosh, what if you’re going in a rocket?!”
• Kiptyn seems like a bright guy, doesn’t he? Yet he's with Tenley. That dumb routine (if you can call being really dumb a “routine”) could get old in a hurry in a dating situation out in the real world.
• Speaking of dumb, Natalie says that watching Dave drive the yellow Lamborghini convertible could be a glimpse into her future. This after David says that driving the car is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (Psst, Natalie, the car’s not his!)
• Changing the contest into a couple’s contest made me think the franchise is desperate to find romantic success stories. They’re hoping one or more of these couples goes on to find real love in real life. I wouldn’t bet on it.
• Dave showed complexity by talking about the love he had for his father, the breakup of his parents, and the falling out he had with his dad. Touching stuff. But talking about his stubborn streak and throwing a chair through a wall should have been a big old red flag for Natalie. Instead she swooned.
• Finally, confirmation of sex in the fantasy suite. We’ve always known what goes on in there, but it’s never been said. Tonight Elizabeth whispered to Kovacs, “You got laid.” The icky part is that the lights were out and they were under the covers. Why is that icky? It just made me think that the cameras were rolling during the sex.
• Also, was this their first time in the six months they’ve been together? I doubt it, but they sort of made it seem that way. Also, Elizabeth uttered those three magic words every guy loves to hear: “I’m not pregnant.” No, wait. Not those. These: “I love you.” I’ve got three words for Kovacs, too: “Screw. Loose. Unbalanced.” Remember those.
• I didn’t like the deceit in the voting. Natalie was the ring leader in trying to get people to vote off Elizabeth and Kovacs because they’re the stronger couple, yet she voted off Peyton and Jesse. Woman code my ass. I think Jesse made a great point to Kiptyn. Next week it’s going to be Kiptyn, David and Kovacs. Since David and Kovacs have vowed to be the last two standing, that means they’ll vote him off. Maybe Kiptyn is the perfect match for Tenley afterall.

That’s it. Next week the big finale. And then Monday nights are mine again.

BP: And the survey says...

I think my enjoyment of this week's episode were tempered a bit by the fact we're in a cheap one-room motel on the road and my 5-year-old was awake on his bed watching the show for the first time. The first half of it, anyway. But I made a rule: No questions or talking. Not just because I'd miss the scintillating dialogue, but because I'm not sure I wanted to hear what was going through his mind and I doubt very much I could answer his queries. Hopefully the experience didn't damage him too much. He fell asleep. Maybe we'll get some questions in the morning. Meanwhile, some idle thoughts:

• Dave couldn't hide his alpha-male personality for long, could he? But he hid it longer than I thought he would have. I'm waiting anxiously for his invocation of the Man Code.
• Why didn't we get to see the boxing match between Wes and Dave? Who would your money be on? Dave has the body to pummel Wes, but I bet Wes is a better dirty fighter.
• And the very mention of a survey, Tenley starts blubbering. Love it!
• I wish I had all the questions from the survey so I could answer them. Of the ones we heard, here are my picks: Who's going to win?: Ashley. My biggest enemy: David. Most shallow: Natalie. Dumbest: Jesse. Secret crush: Natalie. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride: Nikki. Biggest jerk: David. Worst boob job: Elizabeth.
• Lots of surprises in the real answers. Biggest enemy was Krisily. Huh? Dumbest was Gwen. How does anyone know? She never says anything. She could be the smartest one there for all we know. Secret crush was Dave. Brutal. Worst boob job (and shallowest) was Elizabeth, rightly, but Krisily got a vote. I gotta admit I never noticed. I was going to say Gia would get the vote if she were still around but then I figured she'd win for best boob job, not worst.
• If anything positive came out of this survey, it's that Natalie was most likely scared straight. Maybe she'll change her ways. But if there's a new survey, most likely to marry out of spite, I'd vote for Natalie in a second.
• Ashley gets some airtime and my wife and I both go, who? Honestly, I thought she and Krisily were the same person.
• On Tenley and Kiptyn's one-on-one date, it entertains me no end to see the excitement a helicopter can bring.
• Kovacs says, totally sincerely, that in his eyes Elizabeth is perfect. I'd like to think that if we saw the out-takes, we'd see him and the crew laughing their heads off immediately after he said it.
• On her date, Tenley said she thought the rose offering means the recipient will take the next step with her. Uh, wrong show, dummy. Sweet, naive Tenley.
  
• Breaking news: Tenley reveals she had sex with Jake. She said she hadn't "been with a man" since Jake broke her heart.
• I lose a little respect for Peyton when she gushes over the simpleton, Jesse, calling him the hottest guy in the house, tons of fun, and gorgeous. I gain a little respect back for her when she is rightfully disgusted by his belching and other antics, like chugging a martini. But really, what did she expect? It was no surprise to me.
• The old broad, Gwen, says that no matter what happens, "I've really captured who I am" on the show. Oh, okay, so she really is dumb. Maybe that's why she usually keeps quiet so she doesn't put her foot in her mouth like that.
• Krisily and Wes get sent packing. Strangely, for the first time in Bachelor-related product, the people getting the boot are given some final public words in front of everyone. Will this be a new feature? It should be. Krisily calls everyone out. That's exactly what you want from an opportunity like this. Wes, meanwhile, leaves with a classy, "I had a helluva time." Boring. Big difference from his exit on Jillian's season.

And that's that. Looks like next week should be fun when three women get sent home in the morning. And we'll be back home then, too, so my son won't have to witness such shenanigans again.

BP: The comeuppance

This was an important week for Bachelor Pad. After a strong first episode, they followed up with a pie-eating contest. I'm guessing they lost a lot of viewers last week. And lots more were sent to the fence, where they are now perched precariously.

So where are we? I dunno. The show is frustrating as hell, but I think it picked up a bit over last week. But a kissing contest will do that.

So, as per usual, some random thoughts:

• I can't believe no one called Gia out over her deceit last week while she was blaming poor old Nikki for voting out Craig.
• I'm not a master strategist, but I still don't get why it was so important to the outsiders that Kiptyn be the one to be voted out last week. I get that they want break up the couples, but he wasn't the only one in a shallow relationship.
• What the hell is Melissa doing? Her jobs this week were twofold: Explain the contest and silently hand out the roses.
• Ashley, a teacher we learn tonight, backed out of the kissing contest because she doesn't want to lose the respect of her students. Um, okay. But like your virginity, you can't lose something you already lost.
• When Ashley bowed out, she took off her blindfold, saw all the guys standing in line with numbers around their necks, then went back inside with the other girls. Later we saw them all talking amongst themselves while the contest was still going on about who was who.
• Gia withdrew halfway through, in tears. She has a boyfriend back home, doncha know? And she'd never do anything to hurt him.
• I was hoping they'd put Melissa in Gia's place just to give her something else to do.
• Jonathan, the Weatherman, was the litmus test for the ladies. Most couldn't even fake a meaningful kiss with the guy, but Natalie, who says she'd make out with any guy there for 20 bucks, and Elizabeth both thrust their tongues into his mouth. Classic post-kiss reactions by them, rubbing away the germs, while innocent Jonathan's pants got tighter.
• I'm going to harp on this every week, but in all competitions I want to see the results. That is, I want to know where all the votes went. Don't just tell me the final result. I also think it'd make for better strategy for everyone there to know exactly who was getting votes for what. Not to mention making it seem more on the up-and-up.
• David and Peyton won the competition. My first reaction: Who's Peyton?
• David got to go to Vegas with Nikki, Krisily and Natalie. They go to a topless pool and Natalie is the only one who shines (so to speak). She even said she'd take off her pants if David did. Needless to say, she got the rose. Let that be a lesson for the ladies. On the way back home, Nikki says, "Maybe we should have gone topless." Uh, yeah. Are you in it to win it or what?
• David and Natalie get to forgo their individual rooms for a night in the fantasy suite. They get it on, but mum's the word. As Dave says, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Now I know what that means. But I'm sure Natalie will blurt it out at some point. They are now a couple. And a perfect match, I'd say.
  
• Peyton took Kovacs, Kiptyn and Jesse drag racing. She gives the rose to Jesse and their fantasy suite is back at the mansion. It looks very ordinary. Why don't they just call it what it is: the Sex Room.
• Kiptyn flat-out lies to Peyton. And he's good at it. He looks like a good guy but he's obviously a sociopath.
• I love that Elizabeth was all verklempt over the date Kovacs went on when she tongued every guy in the house. And I love that Kovacs tells us that Elizabeth is ruining things for him. She is a nervous breakdown waiting to happen.
• Okay, she's not the only one. I fear for Tenley's psychological health.
• Gia continued to be a piece of work this week, flirting outrageously with Wes. "If I leave, I better see you... If I were to be tempted in the house, Wes would be the guy to do it..." Yeah, keep it in the subjunctive. That way you have an out with your boyfriend.
• Wes croons the hit we've all grown to know and loathe. My wife said, "Does he have no other songs?" Why should he? Every woman he plays it to melts. That piece of nasal crap is the biggest aphrodisiac in the world, it appears. It got Gia to go ga-ga about what a talented, beautiful person Wes is. He's a "modern day Shakespeare but better and cuter!" And if Shakespeare had zero talent.
  
• Gia tells Kiptyn, who she tried to boot off last week, "I think you know I'm pretty honest." Yeah, tell that to Craig, who you promised would get the rose.
• Elizabeth may be a lot of negative things, but she's not stupid or unaware. She says about the Weatherman, "I don't think he's funny; I don't think he's cute."
• What was Wes going on about with his strategizing? If Elizabeth doesn't get sent home, Kovacs will be the next to go. Even if that were true, what difference would it make to anyone?
• The Weatherman finally got sent home, just in time for hurricane season. There was a tie between Gia and Elizabeth. David, the contest winner, got to make the final decision: See ya later Gia. She gets her comeuppance. On her way out she tells Wes she loves him. She's gone back to her wonderful boyfriend and no doubt spent the next few weeks keeping him away from the TV. Who knows? Maybe she arranged a vacation with him to Antarctica.
  

Has the show lost anyone? You all still with it?

BP: Barf-o-rama

We'll keep doing what we're doing, giving a few thoughts on this oil spill of a show and then read what you guys have to say.

• Network television is an exclusive club. Only the best of the best get to work on the dreck they put out over the airwaves. Any doofus could come up with a pie-eating contest but the big brains at the network give it that extra oomph – no hands! Genius! Clear that spot on your mantle for your Emmy Awards now. I cut them some slack for Twister last week just because of the numerous crotch shots, but pie eating? Gross on so many levels.
• Is it rude to say I thought Nikki would win in a cakewalk? Er, piewalk? But no, it was Gia. And the Weatherman. The producers have got to do a better job with the always obvious foreshadowing. Last week, Craig absolutely had to win Twister; it was the only way he could stick around. This week, there's no way the slight Gia and the Weatherman could possibly win... and they do.
• It's a veritable barf-fest. But that's gotta be status quo for Gia, the swimsuit model, right? Eat, purge, eat, purge.
• Why did they force the women to be interviewed with pie on their faces? Or was it they just couldn't feel it over the collagen?
• Cute Melissa, the pretend host, does not suit pumps. Also, she's pregnant and shouldn't be wearing them.
• Jonathan, the Weatherman, fakes a love interest in Gwen. He can't believe all they have in common: they both love tennis, they both love to be creative, they both love Positano, Italy, they both love dudes. Gwen, to her credit, says it's not gonna happen in a million years.
• I get who the insiders and outsiders are, but I was a little confused about the implications of who to keep and who to get rid of. Why the cabals? Why not just everyone vote blindly not knowing what the others are doing? But I guess we need the whispering and backstabbing.
• But if the outsiders need to take over the house, why is it so important that Kypton, the most benign of the insiders, be the one to go? Why not any of the other jerky insider guys?
• Gia turned quick, didn't she? She's the only one in a "committed relationship" and told Craig to his face he'd get the rose, but the second she came under Wes's Texas charms, she wilted. Not only does she prove herself to be a liar, but also someone not all that committed.
• I love it when Tenley cries. Next to Lucille Ball, her cry is my favourite TV cry of all time.
• Who chose Chris Harrison's shirt and tie? The same person who came up with the pie-eating contest, I'm guessing. And possibly the same person who chose Natalie's tu-tu.
  
• Still no results of the votes. I can't be on board with that. The people have a right to know! Not only that, but the contestants have a right to know who else got votes.
  
• The Canadians get the boot. Typical. Tell me that wasn't planned by the producers. There's no way they let a Canuck take home a quarter of a million U.S. dollars (American readers might be interested to know that Canadians don't have to pay taxes on prizes and lotto winnings, although I guess they'd have to pay some American tax if that's where they got the money). So long Jessie and Craig. We hardly knew ye.
  
• Gia wonders who it was who stabbed the outsiders in the back. She said one person fucked them. Well, boo-freakin'-hoo for her. I never believed in karma until tonight. Hopefully she'll be voted off soon and goes home to an empty apartment. She won't even have Wes because that cowboy can't be tied down. Or trusted. No siree, love don't come easy. Or so they say.
  

There you go. What did I miss?

Bachelor Pad: Bringing out the best in everyone

So... Bachelor Pad. I said I wouldn't blog on it and I'm not. Although here I am. But I didn't write while watching. Didn't take notes. I just thought I'd jot down a few thoughts after the fact as a way to spur on comments from everyone else. This can be your place to share your views and we can all be in on this together. I'll go first; you add your take on it in the comments section.

• I think I like this show more than the Bachelor/ette! It is that good/bad. It's awesomeness at its most awesome.
• Bachelor Pad is the perfect name because it sure seems like all the women are extra hormonal.
  
• The terminally cute Melissa Rycroft is the new Vanna White. Why is she even on the show? Give her a role, put her in a bikini (I don't care if she's pregnant), or get her off. But don't just have her standing around looking cute while Chris Harrison does all the heavy lifting.
• I don't know if Elizabeth Kitt looks worse with her blonde 'do or if she's just uglier on the inside and it's just making its way out. Man, that woman can play games, can't she? Great game strategy getting the unrequited love of your life to pretend to love you back, but I'm not so sure it's a sound life strategy.
• You all know I kinda had a thing for the psycho Michelle Kujawa. I really, really wanted her to stick around. Not just because I love her look, but because she's certifiable. She'd have been great in the weeks ahead as things get even more ramped up.
• How rigged was that competition? I mean, all the girls want Craig McKinnon (aka the Sarnia Sleaze) voted off and surprise, surprise he wins the big Twister competition. Speaking of that game, we finally have proof these people are not in Mensa. I couldn't believe so many don't know right from left.
• Something else I didn't know: that Jessie Sulidis had such a hot little body. She's more than just a rat, it turns out. Or she's a rat with a killer bod. I shouldn't be surprised since she always reminded me of Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island and I always liked Mary Ann way more than Ginger.
• I still can't stand the Weather Man, Jonathan Novack. And how much time off can he get from being a weather man? Doesn't he have a job? Hell, don't any of them have jobs? Is Ali the only one who cares about her employer?
• Tenley Molzhan... so much for America's sweetheart. What I can't figure out is why all these beautiful young people with a small measure of fame are still single. With all they have going for them, if they can't find someone to love, it's time for them to look in that deep, dark, truthful mirror.
• Yes, I know Gia Allemand and her fake cat lips apparently have a boyfriend. But we'll see how long that lasts.
• Peyton, Ashley, Krisily, and especially Gwen: I have no idea who you are. But I love the fact that Gwen, who's obviously had some work done and was on the second season way back whenever that was, gives her age as ??. She's a lady, you see. And a lady never reveals her age... once she reaches 40.
  

That's it from me. Your turn. Don't be shy.

Week 11: The finale... finally

Well, well, well. Is there even any point to writing this blog, three days after the fact? Probably not, but I’ve come this far. I can’t let down all three of my readers!

Here’s the deal. I have a reasonable excuse for my tardiness. While the show aired, I was thousands of feet in the air. And while Horizon Air offered free alcohol (I know!), there was no free Wi-Fi, as there is on their mother aircraft, Alaska Air, and no TV on the backs of headrests like there is on WestJet. To top it all off, the pilot didn’t even announce the results! Can you believe it?

I walked in the door after 1 a.m. and wasn’t about to sit down and watch after spending that day in Los Angeles, Reno, Seattle and Vancouver (my travel agent: Marquis de Sade).

I also wrenched my back carting my luggage and laptop for four hours dodging tourists on Hollywood Blvd. (Side note: Why do people feel compelled to snap a shot of a favourite star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Thankfully most cameras are digital now. I suspect most of those shots will be deleted once they realize they have 30 shots of letters arranged into famous names. Side note II: If you’re somebody worthy like, say, Alfred Hitchcock or Charles Chaplin, doesn’t it kinda cheapen your star when Godzilla, the Munchkins and Lindsay Wagner also get a star? The first two are fictional and Lindsay, as much as I adored her as Jamie Sommers and she once smiled at me on the streets of Vancouver, did one thing in her Hollywood career. Surely you need more than one hit series to get a star, no?)

But I digress. I woke up (slowly) Tuesday morning and hobbled down to the couch, barely able to move. My son was in an all-day camp and I was all set to lie on the couch, watch our favourite reality show, and blog about it. I turn on the PVR and... nothing! My wife accidentally deleted the show after watching it. Proving once again that women should never be permitted use of the remote control.

I didn’t want to check on-line for a link to the program lest I stumble onto the final results, so I e-mailed my wife at work and demanded she find one for me. She sent me a couple links but they weren’t available outside the U.S.A. (worldwide web my ass!). Our local station that carries The Bachelorette had the previous shows but not the finale. But I knew they’d have it eventually. And now it’s up so here I am.

So get this: It’s Thursday night as I write this and I still (honest to God) don’t know the results. Is that admirable or pathetic? I haven’t figured that out yet, but I’m glad I’m pop-culturally obtuse. It has its advantages.

Let’s waste no more time and get right to it, shall we?

During the long recap/upcoming highlights, Chris Harrison says, “You won’t believe what happens!” Maybe, maybe not. But if it’s really that unbelievable, I’m just surprised I haven’t heard anything yet. I know, my head can be stuck in the sand sometimes, but why is it whenever I don’t want to know the score of a particular game, I can’t help but hear it? Is it all that surprising? I kind of feel excited knowing that all you guys already know it and I’m just now getting to it.

“I never would have imagined being here in Bora Bora,” Ali says. Really? Never? Surely you mean a year or two ago. But when you signed up for The Bachelor and then The Bachelorette, surely your imagination would have allowed you to take you places, knowing that the show does fly people to various spots around the world. Or maybe she never would have imagined it because she had never heard of Bora Bora before.

Jimmy Kimmel always teases the show every season for how often they say “amazing”. So I’ll keep a running tally. So far it’s at 3.

I said it before, but this is the first time in series history I think I’ve liked both finalists equally. They both seem like really good guys. If she chooses neither of them, she’ll be correct in her self-assessment of wondering if it’s her. If Frank comes back and she chooses him, I look forward to the inevitable break-up in four months’ time.

She uses the “friend” line so often when talking about Chris, which, you would think, spells doom for the New Englander. But Ali likes going the friend route. She says she can’t tell us the percentage of ex-boyfriends that started out as just friends. Then again, they’re all exes now, so what does that really tell us? That maybe the friend route isn’t the way to go?

I’ve noticed the same thing from both of the guys in the montages of each one. When they’re embracing Ali, one hand isn’t open and flat on her back, it’s closed in a fist. Both guys. What does that mean? That they’re closed off a little bit? That they don’t want to fully commit? I tend to think body English readers are a bit of a crock, but it’s just interesting they both do that.

Up next: Roberto says “amazing” but I won’t count it in our official tally until we see it when it’s supposed to air. And Harrison says, “Ali makes a shocking decision that will change her life forever.” Man, this better be good, Harrison. Haven’t these people ever heard of understatement? Set our expectations low and we’ll be blown away. Tell us how to react and we’ll get our back up and say, “Aw, it wasn’t all that awesome.”

***

I’m sure I noticed this before, and maybe even commented on it, but I just noticed again that Roberto is an insurance agent. I’m now having second thoughts about him. I can’t help but think of Woody Allen’s line from his classic film Love and Death (one of my all-time favourites): “There are some things worse than death. If you’ve ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, I’m sure you know what I mean.” And from one of his stories: “I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again—this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.” But I realize that burnt out ex-jocks don’t have a lot of options, thanks to a system that pushes them through their schooling.

It seems Roberto is taking this “meet the family” thing a little too business-like. He has talking points he wants to get across. Oh well, if it doesn’t work out, he can always pitch them on insurance.

Roberto says there’s no real way to prepare for the kinds of questions they’ll ask him. Prepare? Just be yourself, buddy. Relax! And the first one is a doozy: What’s your favourite baseball team. Ali’s sister, Raya, says the answer is very “impor’ant” (so it’s clear the speech impediment runs in the family. Or, okay, it’s a regionalism). Roberto starts sweating over that softball question (sorry for throwing a softball metaphor into a baseball statement). I ignored his open pores a couple weeks ago, but it’s clear now he’s got a perspiration problem. You’re a former semi-pro baseball player, for the love of Pete! Throw that back in their lowly fan faces. Be confident!

Question to my readers: You’ve all been on dates to meet the family for the first time. How many of those dates included going outside to have a heart-to-heart with a member of the family? My guess is it’s a collective zero, or near-zero. But every single home date in the history of this franchise does this. I know, I know, they’re all coached, but for realism’s sake, I’d love to see a family date where they all acted normal. Well, as normal as can be with lights and cameras all around them.

Raya gets all Spanishy when pronouncing Roberto’s name.

Amazing count: 4

Roberto asks Ali’s mom what he can do to keep Ali happy. She tells him to just keep on keeping on. Do what he’s been doing from the time he met her up till now. In other words, fly her around the world, tightrope walk between high rises, star with her on Broadway, take plenty of helicopter trips. You know, simple things like that.

The mom starts tearing up with joy. She’s so happy for her daughter she can’t contain herself. She sees how much Ali cares for Roberto. At least that what she says. Maybe she’s just getting the insurance fumes and it’s affecting her eyes.

***

Now it’s the dad’s turn. He and Roberto sit down outside and his first question is, “How do you feel about Ali?” “Um, well, sir, I don’t think we’re a good match. Frankly speaking, I’m a little out of her league. I could do waaaay better, that’s plain to see.”

What the hell kind of answer is he expecting? That wasn’t his real answer. Rather, he just starts blathering on and on about family and making her happy. The dad looked pleased. Roberto says he wants to look out for her best interest not just for the next few months (a shot at, well, every other Bachelor/ette couple minus two) but on into the future. Of course the dad is happy. Oh, the upcoming highlights didn’t want us to know that, but who ever believes those?

There’s something quite sexist, I find, with the old school, conservative approach Roberto espouses about a man asking a woman’s father for his blessing. Maybe I’m just making excuses for never having done that in my life. But doesn’t it sound like one step removed from brokering a trade: “I’ll give you two oxen for your daughter.” “Throw in a rooster and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

Amazing count: 5 (21 minutes in)

***

Ali meets Chris and says, “You look handsome.” He tells her she looks beautiful. That was the exact same exchange between her and Roberto yesterday. Is she fishing for compliments with that opening?

Maybe it’s because I write about comedy that everything reminds me of a bit by a comic, but when they get all excited that Chris is from Massachusetts, then Ali’s mom says, “What part, east or west?” it totally made me think of the great Emo Philips line. Allow me to cut and paste:

I was in San Fransisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I'd try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in. I said, "Don't jump!" and he turns and says, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you, you silly ninny."
He said, "I do believe in God."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too. Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What franchise?"
He says, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over!

I got that sense with Ali’s family. It’s great he’s from the same state, but if he’s from the wrong side, they’d essentially push him over the bridge.

Ali’s mom makes a faux pas, asking about Chris’s mom. As soon as she said “your mother”, I went, “Here we go again.” But at least we know Chris loves talking about it so it’s not awkward.

Amazing count: 6 (25:45 in)

Hey, a Canadian connection! Finally we can erase the bad taste of the Wrassler and the Sarnia Sleaze. Chris tells Ali’s family that his dad is a Canadian, born in Montreal. Turns out Ali’s dad also was born in Montreal. This after Ali’s dad says he used to teach high school physics and Chris says he used to teach high school math. This is all too perfect. How can it not be Chris?

Oh, lord, Ali’s mom says, “Chris, it’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it, but can you tell us about your mom?” So that was that sound I heard on Monday night. It was America’s eyes rolling.

Chris is calm, cool and collected in his chat with Ali’s siblings. And maybe just a tad over-confident. He says he has a feeling they’ll be seeing more of him over the summer. My advice would be to think it, don’t say it. But bottom line, again, both guys seem like great choices. It’s up to Ali to blow it by not picking one of them. But if she does pick one of these two, I’ll have no complaints.

There’s just one thing: Chris wants to ask Ali’s dad for his daughter’s hand in marriage. (Is this something the producers set them up to do or is it really that common?) The violins swell as if to suggest it’s going to be a tense situation. I doubt it will be.

***

Here’s the big sit-down with Ali’s dad. Da-da-da-dum! What will he say?! Ooh, it’s so exciting I can’t stand it!... Yup, he gives his blessing. Wow, that was tense. I can move back off the edge of my seat now.

Does it seem that maybe Chris loves the idea of marriage more than he loves Ali? He just wants a wife so he can fit in with his younger brothers.

Chris kisses like a horse eating a sugar cube.

This is the second time in an upcoming highlight that Harrison has asked the question if who she chooses will love her back. If whoever she chooses declines the final rose, that would, indeed, be the most dramatic season finale ever. I just can’t see it happening, though. Both these saps seem to be head-over-heels in love with her.

***

Amazing count: 7 (39:58 in)

Ali gathers her family around to help her sort through her dilemma. The dad says they’re both great guys “but there’s something about Roberto that tells me he has a love for you.” Uh, that wasn’t apparent with Chris? He says, “Roberto’s more willing to move forward in a relationship with you, that’s how I felt. Chris is just a little bit hesitant.” Raya and the brother both disagree with dad, saying Chris is not hesitant in the least. The dad seethes. I think he’s got a bit of a man-crush on the former pro athlete. The mom is also on Chris’ side. Boy, is this going to be awkward if she chooses Roberto. Presumably he’ll watch the show and presumably he’ll meet up with the family again.

***

Roberto and Ali go out on a jet ski. Ali loves a guy who can get on a piece of machinery and go fast. That counts Chris out if that’s all she’s going by if his moped abilities are any indication.

They come across some stingrays and decide to get off the mighty machine for a little visit. Because what could go wrong, right? Obviously they know nothing about how Steve Irwin died. You’d think the camera person might give a little heads up. But they’re laughing and kissing and having a grand old time. Oh wait, maybe this is the most dramatic season finale for a reason! They get stung and die.

Amazing count: 8 (46:50 in)

It looks like Ali is sucking in her gut. Meanwhile, she thinks he’s one of the sexiest men she’s ever known. I don’t think he’s sucking in his gut.

Sitting on a blanket in their bathing suits, it starts to pour. This really turns Ali on. They get in the ocean and start kissing. She says she feels he really could be the one for her... “but I just don’t know.” If she doesn’t know at this point, my prediction is she doesn’t pick anyone.

***

Amazing count: 9 (50:29 in)

Again with the same old nonsense: “I’ve given up everything to be here. My whole life.” Can we stop with this, please? Nobody buys it. Poor girl gave up that dull office job to star on national prime-time TV for a few months, travel to New York, Iceland, Turkey and Tahiti, and have a personal trainer to make you the object of everyone’s eye (even if you do have to suck in your gut at times). Our hearts bleed for you.

She says Roberto has mentioned a few times that it’s difficult for him to open up to her and she hopes to talk to him about that tonight. Seriously. She said that. What does the woman want? The guy looks ga-ga over her. Does she need it spelled out? She wants him to open up emotionally a bit more with her tonight. Man, if that’s what she’s looking for she’s going to be single forever because I’m pretty sure Alan Alda is taken.

Roberto seems to have gotten the same memo because he thinks he still needs to have some important conversations with her, too. But first, he showers her with gifts. It’s a framed photo of the two of them in a heart-shaped lagoon. He’s written on the back:

The moment I met you I knew my life would change. Through this journey we’ve created memories that I’ll cherish for a lifetime. You inspire me to be a better man for you and for the both of us. [Something Spanish] And let’s dance forever. With so much love, Roberto.

Prediction: If Roberto isn’t Ali’s choice, he will definitely be the next Bachelor. Hands down.

Semantics time: He lies on the bed trying to tell Ali his feelings, in case, as he says, she doesn’t know already. He relates how her dad asked if he, Roberto, loved his daughter and he didn’t hesitate at all, saying, “Absolutely.” Then he tells her, “So, if you didn’t know already, I am definitely, definitely falling in love with you.” They smooch and Ali says, “Hearing Roberto tell me he loves me feels so good.” She tells him, “My heart feels like it’s exploding out of my chest.”

I hate to put the screech to the record, but he didn’t tell her he loves her; he told her he’s “falling” in love with her. That implies to me that he’s not quite there yet. Or at least wants to temper it a bit for whatever reason.

And then he goes and spoils it all by saying something stupid like, “I love you.”

So I don’t know what I’m talking about afterall. Big surprise there.

And, Ali tells us, she loves Roberto. She’s never, ever, ever in her whole life felt this good about a relationship. Everything she came here to find, she found in Roberto. Case closed. Hand out the rose and let’s end this thing.

Aha! She says, “I know I have a date with Chris tomorrow, and I should go, but I can’t. I don’t want to say goodbye to Roberto.” So that’s the shocking conclusion, is it? She dumps Chris before his last chance? Classy.

Geez, and there’s still half an hour to go.

***

Here’s Chris going on confidently about the love of his life. I don’t know if I’m ready for this heartbreak, so I can’t imagine poor Chris. “When we get married, Ali and I, I’m going to shower her with tons of love. I’ll tell her every day how much I love her and then just keep telling her that for the rest of her life.”

What’s with the faux-hawk, Chris. You’re 33 already. Stop that.

A knock at the door. Never a good sign. Is she going to say, “We need to talk”?

No, she doesn’t. They sit down and she’s sounding a bit too excited considering she’s about to rip his heart out of his chest. Then she faulters. She lies and says she’s at a point with two guys and she doesn’t know what to do. She continues to beat around the bush until it sinks in and she asks, “Do you understand what I’m saying?” He hangs his head and she says, “I’m in love with somebody else.” Couldn’t she just have saved this speech for one day? And isn’t it the same speech Dorky Frank gave her?

But to make it all seem better, she whispers, “This wasn’t an easy decision. It was really hard. I just didn’t want to put you through tomorrow. Because I know that it’s going to be so hard.” He says thank you, but why? She’s giving him one more day of heartbreak.

I gotta say he’s taking it pretty well. He keeps thanking her, which should drive the guilt home pretty nicely, I’m thinking.

The only thing that could top this is if Roberto declines the final rose.

The look in her eyes as Chris is being magnanimous and a true gentleman says she’s wondering if she made the wrong decision. And with 20 minutes still left, maybe she does change her mind.

As she sniffles down the stairs, she tells us, “It was a lot harder to say goodbye to Chris than I thought it was going to be.” Really? She thought it would be a snap? He certainly took it well. So all that can mean is she thought she had no feelings for him but found out she at least is capable of empathy.

Chris goes outside to gather his thoughts and looks up to find a perfect rainbow... only it hasn’t rained. So clearly this is a sign from his mother that everything’s going to be okay. And you know what? Normally I hate sentimental crap like that, but I believe it. Well, I don’t believe it, but I believe he believes it. And it’s nice. All we need is the double rainbow guy to ooh and aah here.

Could Chris be the next Bachelor? I dunno. He doesn’t seem the prototypical Bachelor but he’d be a great match for the right woman. Of course, with so many to choose from, it’d be guaranteed that he’d choose the wrong one.

***

Does Roberto know what’s going on? Let’s hope not. There’s got to be at least a hint of a surprise. And I want that moment at the rose ceremony where they do the deke and pretend they’re not going to get it.

When he woke up this morning, it hit Roberto how huge and monumental of a day this is for him. Cold feet?! Pleasepleaseplease! He says, “I know I love Ali but I don’t want to get on one knee and propose unless I feel 100 percent sure I want to spend the rest of my life with her.” Hedging already! I love it! “I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can propose. I only want to propose once in my life. If I don’t feel it’s the right thing to do, I’m not going to do it. The one thing I know is, I have to do what’s right for me.” Ooh, this is going to be good!

***

Ali awaits the Gilligan’s Island boat that Roberto arrives on. She says she is 100 percent certain that he’s the guy for her.

They make Roberto, dressed in a suit in Bora Bora, climb several flights of stairs to get to Ali. With his sweat problem, this can’t be good.

Roberto’s doing all the talking. Isn’t it up to her to let him know if she’s sending him home or not first? He wants to be Ali’s man. He’s got a good bit of sweat on his upper lip and she still kisses him so you know it must be love.

When Ali tells him he’s the only guy here today, his reaction is a little too underwhelming. He just says, “Wow” and kisses her. He must have been tipped off or seen Chris’s boat ride of shame out his window.

Roberto tells her he wants to grow old with her and have a beautiful, beautiful family with her. Can this one last? Can they be the third couple in series history to live happily ever after? He gets down on one knee and says, “Be my wife. Will you marry me?” Her dad is going to be over the moon.

Well. I don’t know if it was the most dramatic finale in Bachelorette history but it was nice. All’s well that ends well. Chris held his head high, Ali found her Italian stallion and Roberto found someone to wipe the sweat off his lip.

Final amazing tally: 9 but I'm sure I missed some as I was swept up in the crazy roller coaster ride.

All we have left is the After the Final Rose episode. Look for my recap tomorrow. Thanks for reading, if you did. Sorry for being so late.

Week 10: Piling on

I don’t know what I’m more excited about: Tonight’s tell-all from the also-rans or the fact there are only two more weeks left. (One problem: the grand finale comes on a night I’ll be flying home from the birthplace of The Bachelor/ette. Should I just get my wife to blog in my place? Or should I do it the next night? Decisions...)

Reader Heidi made a great point in the comments last week. She wrote,

“There have been some AMAZING episodes this season: The Wrassler's Undoing, Frank's Revelation, Kasey and the Batshit Tattoo... and the reunion show? Should be epic.

I can't imagine that the finale will be nearly as interesting as everything that came before. But I'm still watching.”

So true. When you think about it, there really were some great episodes this season. As for the final, here’s one scenario I never thought of (I’m not that deep a thinker): Chris Harrison said it would be “the most dramatic season finale in Bachelorette history.” When I heard that last week, I couldn’t think what it would be. She either chooses Chris, the likable, albeit slightly boring homebody, or Roberto, the suave and dreamy ex-pro athlete (well, baseball is considered a sport by many). Nothing dramatic there. Then there’s the chance the one she chooses turns her down. I guess that’s never happened before, but judging from the looks on the finalists’ faces, that’s not going to happen. So what then? She chooses neither? That’s possible, but is it all that dramatic? It’s happened on the Bachelor side of the franchise. But what if... what if... Frank comes back begging for forgiveness and she chooses him? That would certainly rank up there and be worthy of Harrison’s “most dramatic ever” description. Anything less than that would be a letdown after the build-up by Harrison.

Here’s the show... Well, I guess we don’t need to watch. We got all we need from the upcoming highlights. I know, I know, I harp on this every week, but it’s really got to stop. There needs to be a paradigm shift in network television.

Ali talks to Chris about the guys: The Wrassler (it’s sad he treats women that way), Batty Kasey (the singing was “so awkward”), Mouldy Kirk (nothing to report here), Crazy Eyes Frank (nor here).

***

Unseen moments: Roberto shoots a champagne cork at Ali’s head, narrowly missing; Frank’s dad gives a toast in double-speak and the whole family is in on it; Ali puts on fake astronaut helmet and is laughing hysterically at the recollection, but why? Loud peacocks interrupt her and Roberto and again, it’s like those out-takes after bad movies where all the actors are in stitches and the audience is like, huh? I can see why these never made it into the show.

We find out Chris N.’s nickname on the show was the Phantom. That would have been good to know since I could never come up with one for him.

***

They introduce the guys and half of them I have zero memory of. Is it me or is it them? Probably a combination of both.

Hey, where’s the Sarnia Sleaze? Not with us tonight? And no Wrassler? But I like that the guys are ganging up on the Weather Man. Here’s an ambiguously gay guy who is totally, one hundred percent on the show to further his career. Absolutely and without question. And what’s with his eyebrows? They look like he was bequeathed them from the estate of Joan Crawford.

I like Big Ears Ty. He sits next to Batty Kasey and absolutely trashes him, but with his good ole southern charm, it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

Harrison says the Wrassler was top of the list for guys not there for the right reason. Why does Crazy Eyes Frank get a free ride here? Why does the Weather Man? Hardly anyone is there for the right reason. I'm definitely watching for all the wrong reasons, too.

***

Frank montage. Frank says, “I’m here to the end.” And yet the Wrassler is the villain! Bah! Did we talk about the time she said, “I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this guy”? If Frank was the guy all along, where does that leave Chris and Roberto? The winner is second best. It’s hard enough finding love in two months but now she’s got to find it in a matter of days with Chris or Roberto if she really was wanting Frank all along.

Ugly Craig sure is full of himself, isn’t he? He sounds like the lawyer he is. He starts the defense of Frank and most of the guys join in. I’d say they’re letting their personal feelings for the guy (and the Wrassler in reverse) get in the way of their opinion. Frank deserves no breaks just because it was hard on him. You can’t go on national TV and hope for a rebound relationship if you’re not over the girl you dumped just so you could go on national TV in the first place.

***

Kasey at the bat now. Every time I see him sing it just gets better and better. That’s probably the best series of moments in Bachelor/ette history. Again, the Wrassler gets crapped on for being there to promote his career, but this nutbar decides on a catch phrase (“guard and protect your heart”) and auditions by singing at every opportunity, then guarantees more air time by getting a tattoo. If anyone was there for the wrong reasons, it was Batty Kasey. He says he wants to be a good memory in everyone’s heart and Ugly Craig applauds him. Am I so far out of the loop here? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I go along with these guys?

***

The ladies in the crowd seem to like Mouldy Kirk. Yup, it’s official: I’m out of the loop. I just don’t get it. He reminds me of the Professor in Gilligan’s Island. Sure, Russell Johnson wasn’t an ugly man, but he wasn’t a leading man type, either. Did you ever see him with Mary Ann or Ginger? I rest my case. But he’s breaking the hearts of the women in the studio with his tale of woe so I could see him being the next Bachelor. That is, if the network all of a sudden decided ratings don’t mean anything.

***

Now it’s the Wrassler’s turn. He chose not to be there but here comes the piling on. Big Ears Ty asks how can 25 guys be wrong? Yeah, that is puzzling. But when I see them supporting Frank and Bat-Shit Krazy Kasey, I know that they can be wrong. And are.
Ugly Know-It-All Craig says the Wrassler is “evil”. But Harrison corrects him: “No, he’s a bad person.” Oh, is that all? Glad we cleared that up. He says the guy’s intention for going on the show was to gain publicity for himself – unlike the vast majority of guys and gals who all altruistically go on the show to find true love. What a load of hooey. Then Ugly Craig says the Wrassler’s other intention was to hurt an incredible girl. Yeah, I’m sure that’s what his goal was. And the vapid Harrison says, “Yeah.” Part one of the argument is right, but it’s right for almost every contestant in this series. Everyone wants to be famous, therefore they’re all technically there for the wrong reasons. Only a few rare really ugly contestants who have no hope of finding love in the real world, like Ugly Craig, go on the show to find a mate. Part two of the argument is just ridiculous on its face. Picture the Wrassler at home: “I want to get on this series to put Ali – that’s her name, right? – in her place. I cannot stand that girl, whoever she is.”

I’m getting my back up I think just because it’s Ugly Craig who’s the mouthpiece here. I have a bias against people who sound supremely confident. He has way too much confidence for someone of his limited looks. When Big Ears Ty speaks about the negative impressions he has of the Wrassler, I’m okay with it, though. Maybe it’s the charming accent.

Why do they keep going back to Ugly Craig? Let someone else speak. I don’t read outside sources, so when I hear Ugly Craig saying that the Wrassler has been telling people that Harrison and the production staff had a hand in it, it’s the first time. But how can they deny it? How did they get cameras in the girlfriend’s house back in Canada when Ali called them from Iceland? Surely they knew something was up. Now, you may argue that once they knew about the girlfriends, they quickly arranged a camera crew to be there to record the phone conversation. But my question is how long did that take? An hour? A day? A couple days? Isn’t their responsibility to look out for Ali. If they have information on someone cheating and they decide they’re going to tell her, they should tell her immediately before any more of the “game” is played. So I think the show probably did have a hand in it. At least it sure appeared that way.
Ugly Craig chalks it up to “an asshole being an asshole” and Harrison, who wants to deflect all foreknowledge on his part as quickly as possible, says, “I don’t think we can sum it up any better than that.”

***

There’s a special guest tonight. It’s Jesse, from Jake’s season. Remember her? No, neither did I. She didn’t get much airtime when she was a contestant so this must be gratifying for her. But I’m sure she’s there for the right reasons. She also bears a passing resemblance to Mary Ann. You hear that Mouldy Kirk? Now's your chance!

It’s all very pat. Apparently there were text messages from the Wrassler to his (ex-)girlfriend saying, “Don’t worry, I’m just doing this for my career.” Could they spell it out any clearer, people?! Don’t you get it yet? Hey, Ali leaves Jake for her career and everyone applauds her. Double standard?!

They open the floor up to hear what the people think about the Wrassler: He’s a liar and a coward. That’s about it. Glad we cleared that up.

***

Ali comes out to a standing O from the fellas and talks about... nothing really. Mouldy Kirk takes the high road and says... nothing really. Then Batty Kasey gets up and... serenades Ali. Yup, he’s not there to promote himself, is he? Just trying to find love. If I ever see him sing on another show, I will boycott that show forever. You cannot reward behaviour like that, you just can’t.

Blooper reel. Oh, they had fun. Us? Not so much. Next.

***

Oh good, a new Bachelor show, Bachelor Pad. A house full of cast-offs sleeping together in one room. A shallow, decadent meat market, if you will. Even our old pal Wes has kissed and made up with the producers, who he did nothing but bad-mouth after his ignominious exit on Jillian’s season. And there’s Sarnia Sleaze. What’s not to love about this series? I have no idea what it’s about other than there’s a winner who gets $250,000 (and probably an STD). Don’t expect this blogger to follow it, but I’m pretty sure I’ll watch. Chris Harrison says it’s “spectacular” so it must be.

I’m out of words. Good night.

Week 9: Frank incenses Ali

Are we almost finished this thing yet? I don’t know why I want it to end because I’m enjoying the season. I just don’t think The Bachelor/ette is summer fare. It’s still light out when it comes on and almost as gorgeous as Tahiti, so who needs reality TV?

Ooh, this is the big reveal when we find out Crazy Eyes Frank has a big dark secret. Or not. Whatever. It’s summer. As Annie says, the sun’ll come out tomorrow.

They got into the show tonight with minimal upcoming highlights and no backstory highlights. Gotta like it. I like to think the producers are big fans of this blog.

Three dudes are left. Cape Cod Chris feels like Ali is her girlfriend. Ah, poor sap. He’s probably the best suited for her but he’s running third here by a country mile, I bet. He really needs Crazy Eyes to have a girlfriend and Roberto to have several. Roberto says he would be so lucky to have Ali as his wife. Oh no, Roberto. She’s the one who’d be lucky. Well, until he cheats on her. He’s an athlete, remember. It’s in his DNA.

Here we go. We learn what’s in store right off the bat. Crazy Eyes Frank still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. And they might be growing. Oh, what a hopeless nerd. He says he needs to go to Chicago to see Nicole before he goes off to Tahiti. He needs to find out if he’s still in love with her. You heard me. That either means he has to sleep with her again or find out if she’s still in love with him. Either way, that’s a dick move. Three of you voted Frank as your favourite in the poll last week. Who were you? 'Fess up. What do you think of him now?

***

Now here’s Frank in Chicago. Is he there on the producer’s dime? Did they encourage him to go because it makes for better TV? Oh, most likely. Frank is spinning like crazy. He needs to do this to make the right decision. No, Frank. It’s the wrong decision from the get-go.

Obviously Nicole knows this is happening, or she’s used to a camera crew following her ex-boyfriend around. Why would she open herself up to this? Frank’s blathering on to her and Nicole is just sitting there looking disgusted. He’s telling her about the great relationship he’s had with Ali. She says he’s consumed her mind ever since he left her and it’s sickening to think he’d be off getting close in another relationship. He tells her when he goes to bed at night after a great date with Ali, he lays in bed thinking about Nicole. Well, that about answers Frank’s question, doesn’t it?

Let’s analyze this. If he’s lying in bed after a great date with Ali, and all he can do is think about his ex-girlfriend, then he knows the answer to his question. He knows he’s still in love with Nicole. It’s irrelevant whether Nicole feels the same way or not. Basically what Frank is saying is he’s still in love with Nicole, but if Nicole doesn’t feel the same way, he’ll settle for second best with Ali.

But it looks like Nicole still has room in her heart for the guy. She says without him, her life isn’t complete. She tells him he needs to come home. He smiles and nods.

So Crazy Eyes Frank says today’s what he needed to realize he’s in love with Nicole and she’s the one he wants to be with the rest of his life. Finally, someone finds love on The Bachelorette! I can’t wait until Nicole sits down with Frank and watches the season play out.

But really, this is beyond despicable. He didn’t realize he’s in love with Nicole; he just realized she’s also in love with him. His feelings didn’t change. If he went back to visit Nicole and she said she had moved on, he still should have broken up with Ali because she was second best in his heart all along.

***

I like how they got to this right off the top of this two-hour episode. There must be lots of drama ahead if they didn’t string this mystery out over the whole show.

Poor, unsuspecting Ali is in Tahiti happy as all get out. She’s confident one of these three guys is going to be her husband.

Her first date is with Roberto. I gotta say, Tahiti looks awesome. And I’m almost positive it looks even awesomer from a ... (wait for it)... helicopter! There should be a helicopter drinking game on this show. Everyone would be passed out before the end of each episode.

Roberto is looking totally smitten, like he’s in deeper than even Ali. If that’s the case, and this isn’t just Stockholm Syndrome run amok, then he’s got to be the frontrunner. Because the guy is a stud. And he’s strong enough to carry her over the threshold. But I still maintain he’s too good for her. With Frank out of the picture, though, Roberto’s got to be the one, even if Chris is better suited for her. I think Ali probably has Frank ranked number one, but we can throw that all away... Or can we?

***

Ali and Roberto sit down to dinner. Ali doesn’t seem to be totally into him the way she is into Frank, as crazy as that seems, even before we knew what we know.

Roberto says he thinks he’s been closed off and it’s not easy for him to open up. But he manages to say he’s falling in love with her, which elicits a long kiss from Ali. And it gives Ali the nerve to whip out the note from Chris Harrison. Guess what? No, it’s not a free helicopter ride... Well, it might be, but a different kind. It’s an invitation for them to make sweet love all night long in the fantasy suite. Ali bites her lip as Roberto reads it. She can’t wait to take his wet clothes off him. And she does. Fade to black.

***

Next date is with Cape Cod Chris. They meet on a deck and walk towards each other. Ali is walking funny.

Their date is out on the open water. Ali says things have gone slower with Chris but things started to move when she met his family. So they sit on the boat and talk about his family. Conversation a little stilted but she’s probably still thinking about the Latin lover she had last night.

Chris says he feels like he’s twelve whenever he’s around her. She says they’re “buddies”. Not a good sign. But an easy out for her when it’s time to dump him.

Walking on the beach, they pick up shells and find the pearls the producers have planted in them. Ali buys it hook, line and sinker, and actually comes up with a good metaphor. She says the pearls remind her of her relationship with Chris. It takes a long time but eventually you could come up with something beautiful.

***

Will they use the fantasy suite? If so, I can’t imagine any hanky-panky going on. But let’s find out.

Do you have to walk through water to get to anything in Tahiti? Apparently so. They sit on a secluded tiny island and eat dinner on the ground. As they smooch, Chris tells her he sees himself with her forever. And then she gets turned on enough to whip out the fantasy suite card. We get to hear it again just in case we missed it when Roberto read it, or any one of the hundred or so others in the history of this series (couldn’t they vary it up a little bit?). Chris has never seen the show before: “There’s a fantasy suite?!” He tells us he loves this girl 100 percent. He’s found his soul mate, his perfect girl. This is precisely why the notion of a soul mate is unhealthy. Because if you find your soul mate, presumably there’s just the one. Then what happens if that soul mate rejects you? You have to settle for someone who’s less than that.

After Chris tells her he doesn’t care where they spend the rest of their lives together, whether it’s Cape Cod or San Francisco, Ali says, in the most blatant hint of the season, “I never, ever, ever, ever thought I’d want to go back to Massachussetts...” and doesn’t fully commit to saying she’s completely changed. Chris pretends not to care, saying they’d just have to go back to Cape Cod four times a year. But you can totally see that becoming an issue down the road. As in week four of their real-life relationship.

Anyway, they do appear to go inside the suite and get it on. I guess she needed to kick the tires and take him for a test drive just in case.

***

And here’s Crazy Eyes Frank. He’s dreamed about coming to Tahiti for years. He should be happy, but he’s not. He’s here to tell Ali he’s going home. Of course, we know how she’s going to take it thanks to the evil previews before each set of commercials. There will be tears. And lots of them.

Frank needs to talk to the empty vessel front man Chris Harrison to get advice. Don’t these people know Harrison is just a glorified announcer? He’s got no say, judging from the credits, in anything beyond hosting. But here’s the funny part. Frank tells Chris he’s got bad news. Chris says, “What’s up?” Just proving how far out of the loop he is. How could he not know, since a camera crew followed Frank to Chicago to meet Nicole?

Chris is asking Frank about what happened. Just watch the footage, Chris! Try to follow along, buddy! We already know all this.

Frank says he has no idea how Ali is going to take this. Really, Frank? No idea? Like there’s a small chance she might be okay with it? He really is clueless. Chris asks what he’s going to do. He has a date coming up in an hour. I say Frank should go on the date, stay in the fantasy suite overnight (if you’re picking up what I’m laying down) and then break it to her first thing in the morning. Or better yet, just grab your stuff and get out before she wakes up. Leaving a note, of course. That’s the manly way out, Frank.

But Chris, the old stick in the mud, thinks he should tell her straight up as soon as she gets here. Boo!

***

Here’s Ali telling us she and Frank have an amazing connection. She’s going to take Frank sailing. She really misses him. She’s head over heels for the guy.

They hug and here’s the “we need to talk” line. And he tags it with “can we sit down?”. Ali is already looking a bit haggard from her two previous nights in the fantasy suite. Frank’s eyes have lost their crazy. Now they’re empty. He tells her about the awesome connection they had right from the beginning. Get on with it, man. She’s crying already. He tells her that unresolved feelings for an ex were holding him back.

What we don’t know is just how recent an ex she was. Did he dump her just to go on the show? How long has it been? (Maybe that info is out there in cyberspace but you know now I don’t follow these things. But if you know, please, by all means, leave it in the comments section.)

Ali is silent throughout. He can’t stand the silence: “You’re perfect in every way, blah blah blah.” But he has no answer for Ali’s question about why he never said anything to her before now. She says she was so excited to see him. Now, not so much. Next I think she tells him that all along she was trying to tell him that he was the one. Am I wrong in that interpretation? She said, “Frank, I want to be with you,” and he kept pulling back. Does that mean she had decided it was him but just couldn’t tell him outright? Or am I reading things into it I shouldn’t be?

Ali says it was so selfish of him to have done this. Bingo! Totally and unequivocally. But, really, what’s she yammering on about? She’s got two others. Surely she wasn’t keeping them around the same way Frank was keeping her around, was she? Maybe she’s getting her just deserts. (Sidenote: I just found out two days ago that the spelling for “just deserts” is precisely that, not “just desserts”, which is what I, and many others, always thought. Apparently the root word is “deserve” so it’s kind of an archaic way of say she got just what she deserved --> deserts. Get it?)

She says she needs to deal with this somehow so asks him to go. He gets in one last close hug. I’m not a spiteful guy. I’m really not. But whenever someone gets dumped on this show, they always get a nice hug. I’d love for Ali to have turned on her heel and walked away. But no, she gives him the tender embrace that’ll keep him up at nights after a great date with Nicole. Then she walks away in tears and plops down on the sand.

***

Still half an hour to go and I’m guessing there won’t be a rose ceremony. It’s just an educated guess. I’ve been at this a long time. I’m good. So we’ve got thirty more minutes of tears.

Frank could never have imagined it would be that hard to say goodbye to her, he says. The guy just has absolutely no clue. He says he imagined the worst case scenario, and it was still way worse than that. Remember: this guy writes screenplays (or so he says). He probably should try to develop that imagination a bit more if he wants to be a successful screenwriter.

Chris Harrison strolls onto the beach like Ricardo Montalban to comfort Ali. She says she’s given up her job and her “whole freakin’ life” to be there. We’ve already disproved that notion lots before now, but I won’t harp on it given her state, but suffice it to say she’s given up nothing and got way more than she ever had before. Still, I feel for her a little bit. And vindicated for going hard on Crazy Eyes all season long.

Oh great. The power just went out here. It’s pitch black outside for blocks. Who knows how long it’ll be out for. I’ll hang around a bit longer but I might have to finish this in the morning. But no! It’s back! I was in the dark (literally) for 45 minutes. Let’s get back to the heartbreak.

Ali sobs, “This always happens to me!” and heaves a heavy sigh. But hang on there one second, young lady. You were the one leaving Jake (good move in hindsight, I must admit) because you found yourself having feelings for your old job.

And then this classic line that exemplifies her naivety not only about Frank, not only about men in general, but about the human condition: “I just don’t understand. Like, if there was another girl, why didn’t he just tell me?” Um, because she was another girl! Great literature has been written, timeless movies have been made about just this very scenario. They’re called “the other woman” for a reason. And if it were so simple as just telling one girl about the other, the novels and films would take about five minutes to read and watch.

Now she feels like Frank’s the biggest jerk she’s ever known. And she can’t help but think there’s something wrong with her. No comment.

She sits sobbing in front of the interview camera. Why doesn’t she just get up and walk away? Everyone would understand.

We watch Frank on the little boat taking him back to America.

***

But the show must go on. Ali is all dolled up as she looks at the three photos. She picks up Dorky Frank’s picture, gives it a good long look, then places it face down. Turns out there will be a rose ceremony after all. But it’ll be by acclamation because there are two roses to be given out and two guys left.

Even though we all feel for Ali, aren’t you secretly hoping, just a teensy bit, that one or both of the remaining two doesn’t accept the rose? C’mon, it’d be great television.

Ali tells Chris Harrison it’s scary for her to think she could be this far along in the process she thought that Frank could be right for her, and yet he’s so wrong. It’s so true and a lesson for each of us. You can’t just think with your heart. Your head is there for a reason. If things aren’t adding up, use both your vital organs.

Chris Harrison thinks there should be a rose ceremony. Or at least, that’s what his bosses told him to say. And he thinks Ali should be the one to tell the other two about Frank. Can’t wait to see their reaction.

Ali says, “I really want both guys to accept the rose today.” Apparently, she’s never seen any other season than the two she’s been a part of, either, because I don’t recall there ever being a rose offered and rejected. Correct me if I’m wrong. (But there’s a first time for everything. Fingers crossed!)

***

This is the first time in a long, long time (maybe ever) where the final two have both been good. Or at least both to my liking. Both these guys seem like decent, honourable guys. I think, as I’ve said, she’d have a longer relationship with Cape Cod Chris (if they can work out their geographical differences), but I’d be happy with either choice. I mean as a viewer.

Here comes Cape Cod Chris on his boat ride to the ceremony. Ali says she’s a little nervous because she has to tell Chris and Roberto that Frank left. Why would that give her nerves? Does she get stressed watching white guys high-five each other? I don’t get it.

Ali just said impor’ant for the fourth time this episode. If I had a speech impediment that made it difficult for me to pronounce a word, I’d look for another. Ali, if you’re reading this, try these on for size: paramount, crucial, vital, critical, essential, fundamental.

Roberto arrives and we’re all set. Ali just hopes that this goes well.

She cops out! She makes it sound like Frank’s boss was telling him to get his ass back to work. No mention of Frank being a two-timing jerk or confused. Just that he had matters he had to deal with back home. But Roberto and Cape Cod Chris are grinning ear to ear looking extremely happy and in love. And a bit sheepish at having banged each other’s girlfriend.

And in the least dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor/ette history, Chris accepts his rose. And without Chris Harrison coming back out to say only one rose remains, she offers Roberto the second rose. And he honours her offer. (And all night long he was on ‘er and off ‘er.)

They toast each other with champagne and Ali tells the guys they’re off to Bora Bora, where they’ll meet her family. But we won’t get to see it next week because it’ll be the reunion show we won’t want to miss. Oh yeah, it’ll be a good one. We’ve got the Wrassler, the Sarnia Sleaze, the Midget Weather Man, Ugly Craig, Big Ears Ty and Batty Kasey and his tattoo. Will Crazy Eyes be there? I would hope so, but we’ll see. (Interesting to see in the clip Crazy Eyes saying the Wrassler was the biggest liar.) And in two weeks, Chris Harrison assures us it’ll be “the most dramatic season finale in Bachelorette history.” I’m positive it will be because he’s never said that before.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can commit to two more weeks. Can you?