Week 9: Frank incenses Ali

Are we almost finished this thing yet? I don’t know why I want it to end because I’m enjoying the season. I just don’t think The Bachelor/ette is summer fare. It’s still light out when it comes on and almost as gorgeous as Tahiti, so who needs reality TV?

Ooh, this is the big reveal when we find out Crazy Eyes Frank has a big dark secret. Or not. Whatever. It’s summer. As Annie says, the sun’ll come out tomorrow.

They got into the show tonight with minimal upcoming highlights and no backstory highlights. Gotta like it. I like to think the producers are big fans of this blog.

Three dudes are left. Cape Cod Chris feels like Ali is her girlfriend. Ah, poor sap. He’s probably the best suited for her but he’s running third here by a country mile, I bet. He really needs Crazy Eyes to have a girlfriend and Roberto to have several. Roberto says he would be so lucky to have Ali as his wife. Oh no, Roberto. She’s the one who’d be lucky. Well, until he cheats on her. He’s an athlete, remember. It’s in his DNA.

Here we go. We learn what’s in store right off the bat. Crazy Eyes Frank still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. And they might be growing. Oh, what a hopeless nerd. He says he needs to go to Chicago to see Nicole before he goes off to Tahiti. He needs to find out if he’s still in love with her. You heard me. That either means he has to sleep with her again or find out if she’s still in love with him. Either way, that’s a dick move. Three of you voted Frank as your favourite in the poll last week. Who were you? 'Fess up. What do you think of him now?

***

Now here’s Frank in Chicago. Is he there on the producer’s dime? Did they encourage him to go because it makes for better TV? Oh, most likely. Frank is spinning like crazy. He needs to do this to make the right decision. No, Frank. It’s the wrong decision from the get-go.

Obviously Nicole knows this is happening, or she’s used to a camera crew following her ex-boyfriend around. Why would she open herself up to this? Frank’s blathering on to her and Nicole is just sitting there looking disgusted. He’s telling her about the great relationship he’s had with Ali. She says he’s consumed her mind ever since he left her and it’s sickening to think he’d be off getting close in another relationship. He tells her when he goes to bed at night after a great date with Ali, he lays in bed thinking about Nicole. Well, that about answers Frank’s question, doesn’t it?

Let’s analyze this. If he’s lying in bed after a great date with Ali, and all he can do is think about his ex-girlfriend, then he knows the answer to his question. He knows he’s still in love with Nicole. It’s irrelevant whether Nicole feels the same way or not. Basically what Frank is saying is he’s still in love with Nicole, but if Nicole doesn’t feel the same way, he’ll settle for second best with Ali.

But it looks like Nicole still has room in her heart for the guy. She says without him, her life isn’t complete. She tells him he needs to come home. He smiles and nods.

So Crazy Eyes Frank says today’s what he needed to realize he’s in love with Nicole and she’s the one he wants to be with the rest of his life. Finally, someone finds love on The Bachelorette! I can’t wait until Nicole sits down with Frank and watches the season play out.

But really, this is beyond despicable. He didn’t realize he’s in love with Nicole; he just realized she’s also in love with him. His feelings didn’t change. If he went back to visit Nicole and she said she had moved on, he still should have broken up with Ali because she was second best in his heart all along.

***

I like how they got to this right off the top of this two-hour episode. There must be lots of drama ahead if they didn’t string this mystery out over the whole show.

Poor, unsuspecting Ali is in Tahiti happy as all get out. She’s confident one of these three guys is going to be her husband.

Her first date is with Roberto. I gotta say, Tahiti looks awesome. And I’m almost positive it looks even awesomer from a ... (wait for it)... helicopter! There should be a helicopter drinking game on this show. Everyone would be passed out before the end of each episode.

Roberto is looking totally smitten, like he’s in deeper than even Ali. If that’s the case, and this isn’t just Stockholm Syndrome run amok, then he’s got to be the frontrunner. Because the guy is a stud. And he’s strong enough to carry her over the threshold. But I still maintain he’s too good for her. With Frank out of the picture, though, Roberto’s got to be the one, even if Chris is better suited for her. I think Ali probably has Frank ranked number one, but we can throw that all away... Or can we?

***

Ali and Roberto sit down to dinner. Ali doesn’t seem to be totally into him the way she is into Frank, as crazy as that seems, even before we knew what we know.

Roberto says he thinks he’s been closed off and it’s not easy for him to open up. But he manages to say he’s falling in love with her, which elicits a long kiss from Ali. And it gives Ali the nerve to whip out the note from Chris Harrison. Guess what? No, it’s not a free helicopter ride... Well, it might be, but a different kind. It’s an invitation for them to make sweet love all night long in the fantasy suite. Ali bites her lip as Roberto reads it. She can’t wait to take his wet clothes off him. And she does. Fade to black.

***

Next date is with Cape Cod Chris. They meet on a deck and walk towards each other. Ali is walking funny.

Their date is out on the open water. Ali says things have gone slower with Chris but things started to move when she met his family. So they sit on the boat and talk about his family. Conversation a little stilted but she’s probably still thinking about the Latin lover she had last night.

Chris says he feels like he’s twelve whenever he’s around her. She says they’re “buddies”. Not a good sign. But an easy out for her when it’s time to dump him.

Walking on the beach, they pick up shells and find the pearls the producers have planted in them. Ali buys it hook, line and sinker, and actually comes up with a good metaphor. She says the pearls remind her of her relationship with Chris. It takes a long time but eventually you could come up with something beautiful.

***

Will they use the fantasy suite? If so, I can’t imagine any hanky-panky going on. But let’s find out.

Do you have to walk through water to get to anything in Tahiti? Apparently so. They sit on a secluded tiny island and eat dinner on the ground. As they smooch, Chris tells her he sees himself with her forever. And then she gets turned on enough to whip out the fantasy suite card. We get to hear it again just in case we missed it when Roberto read it, or any one of the hundred or so others in the history of this series (couldn’t they vary it up a little bit?). Chris has never seen the show before: “There’s a fantasy suite?!” He tells us he loves this girl 100 percent. He’s found his soul mate, his perfect girl. This is precisely why the notion of a soul mate is unhealthy. Because if you find your soul mate, presumably there’s just the one. Then what happens if that soul mate rejects you? You have to settle for someone who’s less than that.

After Chris tells her he doesn’t care where they spend the rest of their lives together, whether it’s Cape Cod or San Francisco, Ali says, in the most blatant hint of the season, “I never, ever, ever, ever thought I’d want to go back to Massachussetts...” and doesn’t fully commit to saying she’s completely changed. Chris pretends not to care, saying they’d just have to go back to Cape Cod four times a year. But you can totally see that becoming an issue down the road. As in week four of their real-life relationship.

Anyway, they do appear to go inside the suite and get it on. I guess she needed to kick the tires and take him for a test drive just in case.

***

And here’s Crazy Eyes Frank. He’s dreamed about coming to Tahiti for years. He should be happy, but he’s not. He’s here to tell Ali he’s going home. Of course, we know how she’s going to take it thanks to the evil previews before each set of commercials. There will be tears. And lots of them.

Frank needs to talk to the empty vessel front man Chris Harrison to get advice. Don’t these people know Harrison is just a glorified announcer? He’s got no say, judging from the credits, in anything beyond hosting. But here’s the funny part. Frank tells Chris he’s got bad news. Chris says, “What’s up?” Just proving how far out of the loop he is. How could he not know, since a camera crew followed Frank to Chicago to meet Nicole?

Chris is asking Frank about what happened. Just watch the footage, Chris! Try to follow along, buddy! We already know all this.

Frank says he has no idea how Ali is going to take this. Really, Frank? No idea? Like there’s a small chance she might be okay with it? He really is clueless. Chris asks what he’s going to do. He has a date coming up in an hour. I say Frank should go on the date, stay in the fantasy suite overnight (if you’re picking up what I’m laying down) and then break it to her first thing in the morning. Or better yet, just grab your stuff and get out before she wakes up. Leaving a note, of course. That’s the manly way out, Frank.

But Chris, the old stick in the mud, thinks he should tell her straight up as soon as she gets here. Boo!

***

Here’s Ali telling us she and Frank have an amazing connection. She’s going to take Frank sailing. She really misses him. She’s head over heels for the guy.

They hug and here’s the “we need to talk” line. And he tags it with “can we sit down?”. Ali is already looking a bit haggard from her two previous nights in the fantasy suite. Frank’s eyes have lost their crazy. Now they’re empty. He tells her about the awesome connection they had right from the beginning. Get on with it, man. She’s crying already. He tells her that unresolved feelings for an ex were holding him back.

What we don’t know is just how recent an ex she was. Did he dump her just to go on the show? How long has it been? (Maybe that info is out there in cyberspace but you know now I don’t follow these things. But if you know, please, by all means, leave it in the comments section.)

Ali is silent throughout. He can’t stand the silence: “You’re perfect in every way, blah blah blah.” But he has no answer for Ali’s question about why he never said anything to her before now. She says she was so excited to see him. Now, not so much. Next I think she tells him that all along she was trying to tell him that he was the one. Am I wrong in that interpretation? She said, “Frank, I want to be with you,” and he kept pulling back. Does that mean she had decided it was him but just couldn’t tell him outright? Or am I reading things into it I shouldn’t be?

Ali says it was so selfish of him to have done this. Bingo! Totally and unequivocally. But, really, what’s she yammering on about? She’s got two others. Surely she wasn’t keeping them around the same way Frank was keeping her around, was she? Maybe she’s getting her just deserts. (Sidenote: I just found out two days ago that the spelling for “just deserts” is precisely that, not “just desserts”, which is what I, and many others, always thought. Apparently the root word is “deserve” so it’s kind of an archaic way of say she got just what she deserved --> deserts. Get it?)

She says she needs to deal with this somehow so asks him to go. He gets in one last close hug. I’m not a spiteful guy. I’m really not. But whenever someone gets dumped on this show, they always get a nice hug. I’d love for Ali to have turned on her heel and walked away. But no, she gives him the tender embrace that’ll keep him up at nights after a great date with Nicole. Then she walks away in tears and plops down on the sand.

***

Still half an hour to go and I’m guessing there won’t be a rose ceremony. It’s just an educated guess. I’ve been at this a long time. I’m good. So we’ve got thirty more minutes of tears.

Frank could never have imagined it would be that hard to say goodbye to her, he says. The guy just has absolutely no clue. He says he imagined the worst case scenario, and it was still way worse than that. Remember: this guy writes screenplays (or so he says). He probably should try to develop that imagination a bit more if he wants to be a successful screenwriter.

Chris Harrison strolls onto the beach like Ricardo Montalban to comfort Ali. She says she’s given up her job and her “whole freakin’ life” to be there. We’ve already disproved that notion lots before now, but I won’t harp on it given her state, but suffice it to say she’s given up nothing and got way more than she ever had before. Still, I feel for her a little bit. And vindicated for going hard on Crazy Eyes all season long.

Oh great. The power just went out here. It’s pitch black outside for blocks. Who knows how long it’ll be out for. I’ll hang around a bit longer but I might have to finish this in the morning. But no! It’s back! I was in the dark (literally) for 45 minutes. Let’s get back to the heartbreak.

Ali sobs, “This always happens to me!” and heaves a heavy sigh. But hang on there one second, young lady. You were the one leaving Jake (good move in hindsight, I must admit) because you found yourself having feelings for your old job.

And then this classic line that exemplifies her naivety not only about Frank, not only about men in general, but about the human condition: “I just don’t understand. Like, if there was another girl, why didn’t he just tell me?” Um, because she was another girl! Great literature has been written, timeless movies have been made about just this very scenario. They’re called “the other woman” for a reason. And if it were so simple as just telling one girl about the other, the novels and films would take about five minutes to read and watch.

Now she feels like Frank’s the biggest jerk she’s ever known. And she can’t help but think there’s something wrong with her. No comment.

She sits sobbing in front of the interview camera. Why doesn’t she just get up and walk away? Everyone would understand.

We watch Frank on the little boat taking him back to America.

***

But the show must go on. Ali is all dolled up as she looks at the three photos. She picks up Dorky Frank’s picture, gives it a good long look, then places it face down. Turns out there will be a rose ceremony after all. But it’ll be by acclamation because there are two roses to be given out and two guys left.

Even though we all feel for Ali, aren’t you secretly hoping, just a teensy bit, that one or both of the remaining two doesn’t accept the rose? C’mon, it’d be great television.

Ali tells Chris Harrison it’s scary for her to think she could be this far along in the process she thought that Frank could be right for her, and yet he’s so wrong. It’s so true and a lesson for each of us. You can’t just think with your heart. Your head is there for a reason. If things aren’t adding up, use both your vital organs.

Chris Harrison thinks there should be a rose ceremony. Or at least, that’s what his bosses told him to say. And he thinks Ali should be the one to tell the other two about Frank. Can’t wait to see their reaction.

Ali says, “I really want both guys to accept the rose today.” Apparently, she’s never seen any other season than the two she’s been a part of, either, because I don’t recall there ever being a rose offered and rejected. Correct me if I’m wrong. (But there’s a first time for everything. Fingers crossed!)

***

This is the first time in a long, long time (maybe ever) where the final two have both been good. Or at least both to my liking. Both these guys seem like decent, honourable guys. I think, as I’ve said, she’d have a longer relationship with Cape Cod Chris (if they can work out their geographical differences), but I’d be happy with either choice. I mean as a viewer.

Here comes Cape Cod Chris on his boat ride to the ceremony. Ali says she’s a little nervous because she has to tell Chris and Roberto that Frank left. Why would that give her nerves? Does she get stressed watching white guys high-five each other? I don’t get it.

Ali just said impor’ant for the fourth time this episode. If I had a speech impediment that made it difficult for me to pronounce a word, I’d look for another. Ali, if you’re reading this, try these on for size: paramount, crucial, vital, critical, essential, fundamental.

Roberto arrives and we’re all set. Ali just hopes that this goes well.

She cops out! She makes it sound like Frank’s boss was telling him to get his ass back to work. No mention of Frank being a two-timing jerk or confused. Just that he had matters he had to deal with back home. But Roberto and Cape Cod Chris are grinning ear to ear looking extremely happy and in love. And a bit sheepish at having banged each other’s girlfriend.

And in the least dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor/ette history, Chris accepts his rose. And without Chris Harrison coming back out to say only one rose remains, she offers Roberto the second rose. And he honours her offer. (And all night long he was on ‘er and off ‘er.)

They toast each other with champagne and Ali tells the guys they’re off to Bora Bora, where they’ll meet her family. But we won’t get to see it next week because it’ll be the reunion show we won’t want to miss. Oh yeah, it’ll be a good one. We’ve got the Wrassler, the Sarnia Sleaze, the Midget Weather Man, Ugly Craig, Big Ears Ty and Batty Kasey and his tattoo. Will Crazy Eyes be there? I would hope so, but we’ll see. (Interesting to see in the clip Crazy Eyes saying the Wrassler was the biggest liar.) And in two weeks, Chris Harrison assures us it’ll be “the most dramatic season finale in Bachelorette history.” I’m positive it will be because he’s never said that before.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can commit to two more weeks. Can you?