Week Three: Jake takes a stand

Now where were we?

Ah yes, when we last left you, Wrong Reason Rozlyn left us prematurely, presumably for having an “inappropriate relationship” with a member of The Bachelor crew. I haven’t read any spoilers, but I did happen upon a headline about the sitchy-ation and skimmed it enough to learn that Roz denies she did anything wrong. Or something like that. It did strike me that the whole thing is a tad hypocritical given the series itself is based on a Bachelor/ette making out with multiple dates before ultimately choosing one. We can even surmise that sex is involved on many an overnight date (except for, inexplicably, sweet virginal Jillian). So is it really all that shocking that Rozlyn had a little thing with some dude? I did notice in the article I skimmed that hot Rozlyn has a criminal record. Nice. Maybe they found that out and a producer took one for the Bachelor team by engaging her in some hanky-panky so they’d have a reason to toss her. I love me a good conspiracy theory!

And if the upcoming highlights are any indication (and they usually aren’t), someone else is going home prematurely tonight. I think I predicted Elizabeth the Nanny, but we’ll see.

Looking at last week’s poll, I see we have surpassed last week’s numbers, shooting all the way up to 33 votes. Front Runner Ali is still living up to her moniker, leading the way with a whopping 24 votes. Dumb Divorced Tenley continues to surprise in second place with 4 votes, Unbalanced Michelle gets 2 (okay, one of them belongs to me), and Spoiled Vienna, Gia Pet and Ella Belle each with 1. Let’s see if we can get more votes each week. I really appreciate the comments, too. Good stuff there.

You know my wife is under strict guidelines not to reveal anything to me upon my return from my weekly basketball game. And she hasn’t. But tonight she smiled and said she wished she could stay up and watch it again with me, so it must be a good one. Can’t wait. Here we go:


SEGMENT 1: The date card. Spoiled Vienna gets a one-on-one date, meaning she’s probably going home. He can’t possibly give a rose to her. I don’t see them as a match. But then again, Jake has no clue what he’s looking for so maybe she’ll stay. The date clue is, “Let’s fall head over heels together.” Hmm... what could it be? Gymnastics? Sixty-nine? I have no idea.

Unbalanced Michelle says she sees herself as very attractive. For once, she’s right about something. She is. But there was a quick undecipherable edit there when she follows it by saying Vienna is the opposite of her. The implication being she thinks Vienna is ugly. But I seriously doubt she said that or meant it.

Front Runner Ali is starting to show a chip in her armour. Now she’s spouting off like a crazy person that her date with Jake was so special it’s strange to see him going out on another one-on-one. I think she channelled her inner Michelle. She should stick to taking the high road if she wants to remain number one in our weekly poll.

Hold the phone, people! They sent a helicopter for Vienna and Jake! Man, this show continues to break new ground. I don’t know how they do it. Vienna is gobsmacked, too. When she sees it approaching, she asks if it’s for them. That’s a perfectly reasonable question because who would ever have seen that coming?

They fly over the mansion and I get a glimpse of Unbalanced Michelle’s lower back. She’s got a tramp stamp! Yes! Psychotic and has made bad choices she’ll regret ten years from now. It doesn’t get any better than this!

The helicopter descends to a secluded bridge in a canyon where the couple will bungee jump to their deaths. At least that’s how they both seem to feel. She’s afraid of heights... and so is the pilot! That’s encouraging. Remind me not to fly with him. But if he is freaked out, why this date? Did they foist it upon him?

Sitting on the edge of the bridge, Jake says he doesn’t think he can do this. Oh, what drama! Will he or won’t--. Oh yeah, they’ve already shown the bungee jump clip a few times in the upcoming highlights in past weeks. Way to sabotage your own program, producers.

Hanging upside down after the jump, Jake kissed Vienna. There goes my prediction. I guess she’ll be getting a rose.

SEGMENT 2: The couple enjoy a big-ass glass of white wine and reminisce about their crazy jump. Is it me or does Jake sound totally awkward? He can’t possibly be this stiff in real life, can he? At some point, people on this show loosen up and forget they’re surrounded by cameras and crew for 20 hours a day. This is season two for Jake and he still won’t let his guard down.

Jake tells Spoiled Vienna that he’s looking for a wife that’s nurturing. And he’s fooled into thinking Vienna has a nurturing side. But silly Jake, Vienna probably pays people to nurture for her. He thinks she’s “absolutely here for the right reasons.” He would know. I think his track record speaks for itself.

As they switch to red wine, Jake wants to make sure she’s at a place in her life where she can handle a relationship. Come on, Jake. The woman has a four-month marriage under her belt when she was 18. She’s 23 now. She can handle anything. He tells Vienna he’s looking for his best friend “in the whole world” (I love it when grown-ups talk like six-year-olds).

Back at the house, the group date card arrives. The lucky winners are Classy Corrie, Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny (I just added the ‘nutso’ part -- hope you like it), Front Runner Ali, Dumb Divorced Tenley, Ashleigh Diaz, Crazy Canuck Jessie, Kathryn the Faker, and Unbalanced Michelle. Woo-hoo! We got some big-time cuckoo action coming up. Sweet. The clue: “Love is no laughing matter... or is it?” Hmm, I wonder if this has anything to do with the Jon Lovitz teaser we saw earlier. (Thanks again, producers, for nothin’.)

Unbalanced Michelle’s voice quivers as she tells us she really wanted a one-on-one date so she could get to know Jake better.

The girls seem to have a hate-on for Spoiled Vienna. So now, of course, I’m really hoping she gets that rose.

The wine is finally hitting Jake as they hit the hot tub. As Vienna sits there in a sexy green bikini, Jake lets loose with, “Thank you for helping me off that bridge.” Oh, Jake, you charmer! Then, as Vienna is giving him the do-me look, he gets up to retrieve the rose. And she gets it! Look out, mansion. Things are just heating up.

The triumphant Vienna comes home and excitedly tells the girls all about her date. The looks on all their faces is priceless. Ashleigh Diaz says she would rather watch paint dry than listen to Vienna go on about her date. Front Runner Ali says she’s “shooken” up, further decreasing her front runner status. She’s shocked that Vienna came home.

SEGMENT 3: Jake takes the eight to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. For those who don’t know, Lovitz was a hilarious member of the cast of Saturday Night Live and has since gone on to a fledgling career as a very average stand-up comedian. After just a few years into the game, he’s opened up his own comedy club. That’s what being famous gets you. There are a million better stand-up comics than Lovitz, but they’re not known.

More priceless looks from the women as Jake informs them they’re about to meet... Jon Lovitz! Whooooo!!! Safe to say, that’s probably the first time in his life he’s ever had that reaction. Don’t get me wrong, I really like Lovitz as a comic actor. He makes me laugh just listening to him. But as a stand-up comic... not so much.

Turns out the ladies will be performing on this date. Performing comedy, that is. Intentional comedy. Or trying to. I’ve judged a few stand-up competitions in my day and write about the art form, so you can imagine how excited I am at seeing eight first-timers getting national exposure when there are super talented comics out there who will never be known to the masses. Still, I love a woman with a sense of humour, so this might seriously change the way I look at them. My pencil is sharpened. I’m ready to laugh. Bring it on.

But first, there’s another card. A one-on-one date awaits one lucky lady. Vienna announces that Ella Belle gets her wish. “Let’s lift off to another world,” the card says. What could that mean? Another plane ride? Helicopter trip? A rocket to the moon?

Back at the club, Ashleigh Diaz starts crying. She describes herself as “the calm collective [sic] girl”. Sigh. Anyway, Jake offers her a joke she can use in her set. Ooh, I can’t imagine how hilarious it will be! That Jake is renowned for his sense of the ha-ha. But Ashleigh is a mess. That’s a sign. High maintenance.

Turns out the girls have to perform for a real crowd. Full of old people in Hawaiian shirts, yet! This is going to be gold.

SEGMENT 4: Lovitz opens the show. Did I tell you he was extremely average? (Full disclosure. I’ve interviewed him twice and if you really want to, you can read one of them here.)

Ali takes the bullet (comedy parlance for going up first). She does a toilet joke followed by gales of laughter. Bad joke, bad delivery. Next!

I think Crazy Canuck Jessie was next, and she actually looked good. I’m not sure I got her joke about her family starring in a sequel to My Big Fat Greek Wedding called They’re So Fat I Can’t Even Tell They’re Greek, but I liked her delivery and confidence on stage. Then again, we all know Canadians are just naturally funny.

Dumb Divorced Tenley gets all Victoria Jackson with a physical bit, lying on the floor with her ankles over her head. She won’t win points in the comedy competition but no doubt Jake sat up and took notice.

Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny also had great stage presence, but I couldn’t make out what she said. Something about a big dick. She knows that dick jokes are a sure-fire route to success in comedy clubs. Then she gets bleeped again. Jake is amazed that she went from no kissing to totally raunchy. “Wow, who is this girl?” he asked. He actually bought her as a spiritual prude.

Kathryn is comfortable on stage, but has no material. She brings Jake down to kiss him. The punchline being that she has no punchline; she just wanted to see how his lips tasted. No punchline? She’s got a future in alternative comedy. Michelle shoots daggers at Kathryn's schtick. Then tells us that when she finally kisses Jake, they’re going to go at it like animals. French animals, apparently.

It’s Unbalanced Michelle’s turn. Great delivery from her, too. But what the hell is she talking about? "Did you notice the palm trees? There’s no coconuts on them. I wonder where they are!” Silence. Tap, tap. Is this mic on? C’mon, folks, I know you’re out there, I can hear you breathing! What is this, an audience or an oil painting?... Then a “joke” about golf. She’s just waiting for that “hole to get her one-on-one.” The audience groans, but what does the joke even mean? Yes, I get the double-entendre, but she’s waiting for it? As Ali says, “she just seems a little off.”

Ashleigh gets cold feet and refuses to go on. So they go to Classy Corrie. She does impressions of the girls in the house. Yes! Showing some originality and some spirit. Her impersonation of Tenley makes me not feel so bad for saddling her with the nickname Dumb Divorced Tenley. Corrie plays her like a total airhead. Then she does a cute little Kathryn impression, getting bleeped every other word followed by a perfect Spoiled rich girl Vienna, saying, “I love walking around topless. I love showing my boobs off.” Really? And we can’t even see pixilated proof of that? Didn’t some dude on Survivor spend a whole season naked? Anyway, Jake looks stunned at that bit of information. Maybe that rose was premature. Corrie continues with the Vienna bashing and the other girls are eating it up. It’s a wake-up call for Jake. Well played, Classy Corrie, well played. You don’t have to go to Jake privately and express your concerns over girls there for the wrong reasons now. You found a way to achieve the same results as part of the show. Brava!

Now Ashleigh Diaz needs to follow that bravura performance. She should have come on when she was first called. She recited a series of unoriginal blonde jokes, followed by her own laughs. Thumbs down. But Jake gives her the sympathy hug telling her how great she did. Knowing Jake’s sense of humour, I don’t doubt he believes it.

Based on what we saw, the clear-cut winner is Classy Corrie. Maybe not the classiest of performances, but the best one. And she’s gone up a notch in my books.

SEGMENT 5: At the wrap party, Dumb Divorced Tenley sits Jake down to tell him about her past. Here we go. She thinks it’s totally unfair that she has to tell a man that she could possibly be with forever about this. She’s choking up and Jake looks like he’s not ready to hear what she has to say. Here it is: She was married (this just in, Dumb Divorced Tenley! 'Divorced' actually implies marriage at some point), her husband had an affair and he left her. And he was the only man she’s been with. And not only that but... oh, that’s it. Pretty uneventful. They smooch hard.

Ashleigh chooses to spend her precious time with Jake telling him that the girls were livid about Vienna coming back into the house. And sure enough, back at the house, the rest of the girls are giving it to Vienna. Vienna strikes back by calling Gia Pet fake. She doesn’t explicitly mention the collagen or plastic surgery, but that’s gotta be what she means, right? Gia now thinks Vienna is dangerous. Vienna writes a letter to Jake up in her room. Will she be the one to go?

Now soon-to-be former Front Runner Ali tells Jake her feelings on Lightning Rod Vienna (aka Spoiled Vienna). He’s gotta be experiencing a lot of self-doubt. He got it completely wrong with Wrong Reason Rozlyn and now he’s failed to see Spoiled Vienna for who she apparently is. No wonder he’s still single.

SEGMENT 6: Unbalanced Michelle is lashing out at her critics. To be fair, Front Runner Ali wasn’t really criticising her, but that’s how Michelle took it. You don’t get that nickname by being reasonable. She keeps repeating that she’s there to find love and get married. Also, her mom wants grandchildren. Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny says Michelle doesn’t need a husband; she needs a therapist. Meow!

Jake tells Michelle it’s been a rough night for him and instead of being nurturing and asking why and feigning interest, she turns it back on herself. “I really, really, really want a husband,” she tells him. If I were a guy (come to think of it, I am), I’d run in the opposite direction if I heard that. And I’m married! It just reeks of desperation. When I hear something like that, I hear, “I really, really, really want any husband. Doesn’t matter who. I just need a husband. You’ll do.” She says she can’t continue this process without knowing if he’s feeling the same way she does. So maybe she’s the one to go because how can he promise that? Nobody in their right mind feels the way she does. If she weren’t so beautifully off her rocker, I’d want her sent packing.

Now she says, “Would it be awkward if I asked if I could kiss you to see if I really feel something? For me?” What guy could refuse a come on like that?! Bring it on! And make sure there’s plenty of tongue, big fella! Jake shrugs and goes in for a lip lock. It’s a total head kiss. That is, he went in with just his head. Then he backed away with a big grin. “You gotta give me something more than that!” she said. “Are you kidding? That was nothing.” Oh yeah, she’d be a breeze to live with. It’s time to make babies and make her momma happy!

But Jake is a beaten man. He tells her he’s just ready for this night to be over. He needs to go home and digest. Digest? I think that means he needs to go poo.

But it’s back to Michelle. It’s all about her, right? She tells him she can’t stay, even though she’d like to. To spend that time with him and not be able to kiss him (the way she wants to kiss him) really hurts her. I think it’s a cry for attention. She wants him to beg her to stay. And sure enough, now she’s saying if he wants her to stay, she’ll stay. He says he thinks it would be better if she did leave, which flabbergasts her. Oops, wrong line of attack U.M. She says she can’t believe he’s doing it! Priceless! Now she’s playing victim! “He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue.” It couldn’t have been because you threatened to leave twice, could it? Nah.

So Unbalanced Michelle is gone. And I’m torn. I thought she was the best looking girl left. And oh what fun we could have had with the unhinged one still around. But it’s for the best. There’s always Vienna for needless drama.

Jake is breaking all the rules! He doesn’t break the rules; he makes the rules, baby! Not only did he turf Michelle, but he ain’t giving out no rose. Suck on that. You heard da man. This date is over, biatches.

SEGMENT 7: The one-on-one with Ella Belle. Maybe I should have called her Boring Ella. But we’ll see.

Jake wants to do something special for Ella because it was her birthday the other day. You’ll never guess what he arranged! A helicopter! Ella said, “I never imagined in a million years that a helicopter was gonna come pick us up.” I know! I can’t believe the producers procured a freakin' helicopter for the show, either! They spare no expense. I am constantly blown away at their creativity. That’s why we watch, right?!

At the house, Vienna apologizes to the girls for the way she acted. I think. But she knows they’re all just jealous and she has the closest relationship with Jake. Front Runner Ali doesn’t accept the apology and let’s her know it. Bring on the waterworks from Vienna. This fake apology isn't going nearly as well as planned when she wrote it out on her bed.

Jake and Ella go to Sea World. The biggest surprise is yet to come, he says. What, are they going to bring her son here? Could it be, Bachelor? Outdoing yourself yet again... Oh look, they did it! It’s little Ethan. Who’d a thunk it?! Ella had no idea. It’s clear she’s never once seen an episode of The Bachelor in her life. Had no idea about the helicopter and had no idea about the surprise visit from her son. Stephanie is sitting home (alone, probably) right now with her mascara running down her cheeks. She might be the only one.

But I gotta admit, I like Ella more now. She’s still boring, but boring is under-rated.

SEGMENT 8: How many changes of clothing did they bring on this trip to Sea World? At one moment she’s wearing a short blue skirt with cowboy boots, then we see her in ripped jeans and an orange off-the-shoulder shirt. That's a good rule of thumb, girls. When going on a first date, always bring an extra outfit.

Little Ethan loves aviation. He’s memorized everything his mom drilled him on. It may just pay off. Sure enough, Ella gets the rose. Jake even seems the most natural he’s been in two seasons. Maybe she’s the one for him.

SEGMENT 9: The third rose ceremony is coming up after the requisite cocktail party. Two women go home.

Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny asks Jake if he’s good at back rubs. Run, Jake, run! As far away and as fast as you can! Jake is cluing into her game. He calls her the queen of mixed signals. He’s not supposed to kiss her but physically she’s all over him. Her explanation is that she has a jealous side. RUN, I tell you, RUN! Jake is telling her not to tease him. They get into it a bit but are interrupted by Spoiled Vienna, who already has a rose. I’m glad I added the Nutso to her nickname, because Elizabeth goes back to the other girls and gives her side of what happened: “He wanted me to kiss him...” Really, Elizabeth? You know those cameras following you around all day actually have film in them.

Now Vienna is telling Jake she doesn’t think she’s a bad person; she’s just honest. She is totally mustering up all the cute and charming she possibly can. That’s good enough for gormless Jake.

Elizabeth is the new Michelle. She says she can get a date any day of the week, but she’s there to find love. And she doesn’t understand why he’s pressuring her to kiss him. Huh? Did I miss something? Unless it was lost in the editing, he did no such thing. If she thinks he did, she’s delusional. Or, if you will, Nutso. And I think you will.

The girls are all pissed that Vienna, with a rose, is taking one-on-one time away from those who don’t have a rose. On this, I gotta side with the selfish one. Since time immemorial girls have been interrupting girls, guys have been interrupting guys. It’s the way the show works. And the way everyone went to Jake to dump on her, it’s only natural that she’d want to go and talk to him personally.

Nutso Elizabeth is back with Jake now. And he needs to remember that she is choosing him, not vice versa. Snap! She’s really egging him on to kiss her and he’s not biting. Good for him. She’s got to be as good as gone. Talk about in it for the wrong reasons. Then again, Jake isn’t exactly batting 1.000 in culling the herd.

SEGMENT 10: Jake isn’t 100 percent sure who he’s going to send home. Vienna and Ella already have roses. Here are the rest, in order:

3. Gia Pet. Her lips almost moved when she accepted.
4. Classy Corrie. Humour wins out.
5. Dumb Divorced Tenley.
6. Front Runner Ali.
7. Crazy Canuck Jessie. Remember her?
8. Kathryn the Faker.
9. Ashleigh Diaz.

So long Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny and Dirty Valishia, the single homemaker, who got absolutely no screen time this week. Poor Valishia. She says she’s used to things not going her way, and can’t hold back the tears. It's tough being a homemaker without a husband or family. Elizabeth says, “I shoulda kissed you.” Uh, yeah. The lesson here is don’t play games.















Next week: Jake walks away from the final two roses and asks Chris if he has to give them out. Thanks for the spoiler, ABC. Well done. Then we see him throwing one in a bonfire. Oh, the humanity!

Well, that’s it. We’ll see you back here in a week. Add your comments below. I always like hearing what everyone else is thinking.