Week Two: Someone's there for the wrong reasons...

Okay, let’s do this, Bacheloristas. I’m back from basketball. The PVR is ready and waiting. Had some leftover lasagna and a beer and I’m sleepy. But my public awaits! Thanks, by the way, for the comments. If it weren’t for the four I got, I’d probably wait a day or two to do this. Keep the comments coming. Let’s all band together and share our thoughts on the train wreck that is our favourite reality TV series.

Anonymous from California asked who my top five were. I had to really dig deep to come up with five. And they are 1. Front Runner Ali, 2. Classy Corrie, 3. Unbalanced Michelle, 4. Professor Ashley, and 5. Elizabeth the Nanny. These could change from week to week. Sara from New Hampshire asked why I had Unbalanced Michelle in the mix. It was a tough call, Sara, but I went with her for a few of reasons: She’s really quite fetching, craziness aside. And I’m hoping that she’s the victim of the bad edit that befalls one contestant a season (and that’s what they are, right? Contestants). She can’t really be that nutso, can she? I guess we’ll find out. And finally, everyone else sucks.

The poll received 27 votes. The winner in a landslide as your favourite was Front Runner Ali, with 13 votes. But there's some love out there for Dumb Divorced Tenley, who was second with 7 votes. Elizabeth the Nanny had 2 votes, while Gia Pet, Professor Ashley, Wrong Reason Rozlyn, Classy Corrie and Unbalanced Michelle each received 1 vote. If you didn't hear your favourite's name, that's because they got a goose-egg. If you love them so much, vote for 'em! This week, we'll discard the detritus and post a new poll. Make sure you vote.

Jennhudson asked if I avoid spoilers. You know what? I haven’t in the past, but I didn’t actively seek them out. Well, I guess I did, but only because I was bored and I cared so much for the best Bachelorette in history, Jillian. This time around? I don’t think I’m going to. The word itself says it all: it spoils the show. Why would I want to do that? Don’t you hate finding out the score of the game you’re about to watch ahead of time? Why would I try to hunt for info before seeing the show? My wife is on strict orders not to mention a thing to me when I get home. I want to see it fresh and unfettered, just the way the editors intended. It’s bad enough we have to endure endless upcoming highlights that reveal too much.

Okay, enough chit-chat. It’s showtime!

SEGMENT 1: Chris gathers the girls and explains how the dates work. I’m glad he straightened that out. I’ve never been 100 percent clear on the whole rose thing.

First date card: Gia Pet, Wrong Reason Rozlyn, Dirty Valishia, Classy Corrie (still looking totally classy, btw), Bitchy Christina and Asheigh Diaz. (For explanations on the nicknames, see last week’s post.) These ladies are giddy with excitement over this group date. They don’t even know what they’ll be doing. But Jake (or, more likely, the producer or writer) wrote “A picture is worth a thousand words”, which was met with squeals of delight. Ooh, what could it mean?! Well, thanks to the stupid upcoming highlights, we know it’s a photo shoot.

Unbalanced Michelle said she’d have liked to have been included, but she kept a stiff upper lip. Deep breath, Michelle, deep breath.

Bitchy Christina has no idea what the date is all about (I know, that sure was a cryptic clue!), but she’s sure it’ll be the best first date with her future husband... and five of his girlfriends. It’s a fairybook tale, ain’t it?

Jake thinks he’s turned a corner. No more nice guys finish last. This 31-year-old loser is finally going to get a girlfriend! He walks in with his shirt unbuttoned like it’s 1977. Some of the girls are sitting around in their panties. Or maybe it’s bathing suit bottoms. Either way, it’s odd attire for the living room.

Wrong Reason Rozlyn, the model, is showing off the ladies, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.

Jake introduces the women to his good friend, Hal, who enters laughing, probably at the thought that Jake considers him a friend. Turns out Hal is the fashion director for InStyle magazine. And, amazingly enough, he’s also flambouyantly gay. Go figure.

Christina’s not a happy camper. She’s up against two professional models in Wrong Reason Rozlyn and Gia Pet (a swimsuit model) with a face made to order. Literally.

Rozlyn knows what she’s doing... that is, if she usually poses for Beaver magazine. She lifts her leg next to Jake and something gets pixilated. It’s probably not what they want us to think it is. It’s just her cha-cha, apparently, according to Bitchy Christina. There, I told you. She must have been wearing underpants with maracas on them. No matter, we’ve learned that Bitchy Christina is the house comedian. The producers will go to her for the catty comments.

She’s really uncomfortable, which is just setting her up for the rose, we can all agree. But I don’t see why they had to dress her in a frock just because she wasn’t a professional model.

SEGMENT 2: The wrap-party. Holy crap! Asheigh Diaz just interrupts Jake and Gia Pet wearing a skimpy bikini. Jake strips down to his bathing suit, which were more like bathing pants. I hope women never go the baggy shorts route. Do you women actually like that? Don’t you like to see more of the guy just as us guys like to see more of you?

The two of them get in the pool and you’ll never believe it but there happens to be a camera under the water. I know! We see Ashleigh Diaz doing the Harris wrap-around to Jake. Doesn’t last long, though, because all the others show up in their teeny-weenie bikinis. I want to make it clear this isn’t why I watch The Bachelor. Nor is it the reason why I pause the PVR and rewind over and over again. I just need the details for the blog. That’s all.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, another envelope arrives to the usual hoots and hollers. The lucky girl who gets to go on the one-on-one date gets to wear... wait for it... an expensive necklace! Boy, the producers really went all out during the off-season to change things up. Still, the ladies are excited as all get out even though there was no name with the card. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Unbalanced Michelle tried it on in the hopes that was the secret to landing the date. (I really like her look, I’ll give her that.)

Man, Christina is getting a lot of face time. Is she the one who entered into an inappropriate relationship with a crew member? Why else would she get so much more airtime than anyone else? Or maybe she just bribed them with jellybeans. It also helps that they plied her with alcohol. Alcohol + a chick with a mouth = great television.

Wrong Reason Rozlyn interrupts Chrissy and Jake. Man, she (Rozlyn) is a knockout. I hope she lasts long enough that Playboy offers her large sums of money to pose nude. (I know, I’m a sexist pig. And I know women make up a large percentage of my readership. But let’s face it, if she were in Playboy, you’d check it out, too.)

Hey, I just noticed it says Rozlyn is a model and a make-up artist. What a talented girl! Was that always there? It’s like Gia Pet is a model/hair salon owner. If you’re a decent model, doesn’t that take up pretty much all of your time? Posing for your boyfriend doesn’t make you a model.

Rozlyn shuts Jake up with a major-league kiss. Will that loosen up the tense Jake? We’ll see. She said it was perfect. He said he’s never dated a girl like Rozlyn before. We’ll put that down under the “Well, duh!” category. He says he’s out of his comfort zone with her. Yeah, boobies will do that to a guy. And guess who gets the rose?! I won’t torture you any longer. It was Rozlyn, who immediately gets all mushy talking about the sense of accomplishment, her competitiveness, and her strategy for the rest of the date.

SEGMENT 3: Who will get the one-on-one? Michelle reads the card. The lucky winner is Front Runner Ali, who gets to go flying with Jake. She sheds tears of joy, saying she’s the luckiest girl in the world.

I’m not sure if she’s still the Front Runner, but she’s lovely. What’s not to like? They ride off on his motorbike and pull up at the airport. Oh, right, she’s the one afraid of flying. Nice, Jake. I guess this will be a true test. And if she fails, she’s going home.

She’s like me. She doesn’t like flying in a commercial jet, let alone in a two-seater. I empathize. He says he’s just going to do a “real quick pre-flight” check of the airplane. That’s two words I don’t want to hear from my pilot: real quick. Take your time, Jake. Make sure it’s right. He wants to show her how calm and free flying is. If that means he stalls the engine, he’s a jerk. She actually was okay with the experience. Meanwhile, I’m getting jitters just watching.

SEGMENT 4: The plane lands in Palm Springs and they drive off in a vintage convertable. They drive onto a field and eventually find their way over to their dinner table, with the rose sitting by. Front Runner Ali lists off her former boyfriends: Jim, Jason, Jared, and Jordan. Hmm. She thinks that’s a good sign. It tells me that she can’t keep a relationship with guys whose name starts with J.

A new card arrives back home. The last date before the rose ceremony will include Elizabeth the Nanny, her fake boobs, Crazy Canuck Jessie, Kathryn the Faker, Professor Ashley and Spoiled Vienna. All seven of them. The clue?: “Love has its ups and downs.”

That leaves Unbalanced Michelle (who’s not ordinary like the other women, she says), Ella Belle and Dumb Divorced Tenley out in the cold. Michelle says, “Jake showed me that he didn’t want to be with me. So tough for him.”

Back on the date with Front Runner Ali, and she gets the rose. He sees that she’s a beautiful person inside. They smooch. But the biggest surprise is saved for last. You’ll never believe it but a private concert by a B-list band is next! (Okay, okay, the band is Chicago and I actually like them, but that shows my age and they aren’t exactly topping the charts these days, although on the casino circuit they’re da bomb.) Once again, the producers have outdone themselves with originality.

SEGMENT 5: The group date. They get free run of Six Flags amusement park. Ergo love having its ups and downs. Get it? Roller coaster? Hello?

Unbalanced Michelle, back at the house, is living up to her name and packing her bags and crying. Oh, she’s a handful that one. She’d be a disaster in a relationship. Still, though, I have a bit of a soft spot for her. Or maybe I just like good television.

Elizabeth the Nanny is playing games. A jock, she’s in it to win it. She might. Guys love nannies. Ask Robin Williams. She reads him a note scribbled in tiny writing the Unabomber would envy. What the hell? But it just might work. It’s about as natural sounding as Jake in his day-to-day conversations so he might buy it. She and her fake boobs tell him not to even think of kissing her unless he’s decided he wants to spend the rest of her life with her and her fake boobs. She’s pulling the Wes card. Jake respects her old-fashioned values. But I suspect them. She’s just telling him what she thinks he wants to hear.

SEGMENT 6: Back at Magic Mountain Jake isn’t sure who to give the rose to. I don’t blame him with this group.

Spoiled Vienna sits Jake down to tell him a secret. Let me guess: She’s got a kid.

Nope. She was engaged to her pastor’s son. She wasn’t ready, broke it off, and within a month he got married and was expecting a child. So as revenge, she eloped with some guy at the age of 18. The happy union lasted four months. She’s tearing up telling him all this when Professor Ashley enters with drinks.

The Prof seems decent enough, but she laughs like Burt Lancaster (I’m not that old, but I’m old enough to remember Rich Little doing impressions of him). And she was cute when saying she gave Jake the look but didn’t receive a kiss. “How could he not want to kiss me?!” she said.

He gives the rose to someone who really opened up. That’d be Elizabeth the Nanny. So we know how to get to Jake: Be smoking hot and super aggressive. Worked for Rozlyn, and now Elizabeth. Coincidentally, two gals who probably aren’t the right fit for straight-ahead Jake. But he’s too dumb to know it.

She admits to playing hard-to-get because “that’s what I deserve”. Now she’s taunting him, saying she’s a really good kisser and totally asking for it. To his credit, he doesn’t succumb. And he had a look like he was starting to figure out that it’s not her ethics and morals that made her forbid kissing, but her gamesmanship. The fireworks come just in time.

SEGMENT 7: It’s cocktail party time. And look who’s there! It’s Unbalanced Michelle! She stuck around. Yay!

Spoiled Vienna is the first this season to bring up “the wrong reasons”. She’ll be the one – there’s one every season – who feels it’s best to let the subject of their dreams in on the fact that someone is there for... the wrong reasons!

The teases (I’m talking about the upcoming highlights, not Rozlyn and Elizabeth) tell us that someone got it on with a member of the production crew. I have no idea who it is. But I’ve paused the PVR and will now make a prediction. My guess is it can’t be someone who’s been invisible this week, so that leaves out Tenley, Ella, Jessie, Corrie, Valishia and Kathryn. Narrowing it down from there, I’m going to go with Elizabeth or Gia. If I had to choose just one, I’ll say Elizabeth. That would explain her insincere wish not to be kissed.

Speak of the devil, here’s Ella the southern Belle. It was her birthday yesterday and Jake has gotten her a gift... No wait. It’s a freakin’ cupcake! She should throw it in his face and create a scene. Michelle would have.

Dumb Divorced Tenley is perhaps a mean nickname. She’s probably not all that dumb. She just sounds it. If she sticks around, I’ll consider dropping the “Dumb” portion of the name.

Spoiled Vienna calls Michelle Debby Downer. Good one. And she’s annoyed that when Jake suddenly appears, she acts all happy. Michelle probably is a tad manic depressive. But Vienna, methinks the pot is calling the kettle black.

Michelle tells Jake she had packed her bags. She spins it so that she just comes off as extra-honest. Then just as she’s getting emotional (again), she’s interrupted. Can you believe it! Michelle almost told the interloper off right then and there, but thought better of it, telling Jake that she was confident he’d keep her around. Then she told the cameras how rude it was. I know, girlfriend! That was probably the rudest moment in Bachelor history. Nobody’s ever done that before.

SEGMENT 8: Chris enters and calls Rozlyn outside. Doh! She was actually my second guess, but I thought it was too obvious. Chris lets her know that he knows and her reaction is classic. She pulls the “I don’t think my personal life is anybody’s business” line. This is hilarious. It’s like, for example, finding drugs in your kids pocket and your kid turning it back on you with, “What are you doing going through my pockets?!”

Chris tells her that they feel it’s impossible for her to continue on the show. Maybe they’re right. But I think Jake is the one who ought to decide it. If he’s okay with it, it should be good enough for the show. But he tells her to go pack her stuff and get the hell out. In so many words.

At least the consolation is that she was the first ever to enter into such a relationship (or at least get caught) in the history of the show. So there’s your hook, Playboy. Get on it! Stat!

SEGMENT 9: The girls have no idea what’s going on. Chris lets Jake in on it. Jake is disappointed. He wants his rose back. He thought she could be the one and feels like maybe he was taken for the fool because he didn’t see this coming with her. Uh, maybe, Jake, but I pegged her as Wrong Reason Rozlyn from the beginning. Use your other head, dummy.

We watch Rozlyn pack... And pack some more... Hey, look, she’s still packing. As she slips on her jeans under her party dress, we almost see her cha-cha again.

Now the walk of shame, past all the other girls.

SEGMENT 10: Chris and Jake spill the beans. Jake tells them he feels deceived. He asks them to tell him if they aren’t sure or he’s not right for them. No one comes forward.

I’d like to find out what, exactly, her inappropriate relationship was. Flirting? Naughty text messaging? Making out? Sex? Did she show him her cha-cha?

I can’t believe so many of the rest are so emotional over this. They should be dancing a jig that the most stunning of them all was sent home.

SEGMENT 11: Rose ceremony time. I don’t even know how many there are and how many will go home. I guess we’ll find out.

Front Runner Ali and Elizabeth the Nanny already are rosed. Wrong Reason Rozlyn has been de-rosed. Here are the rest, in order:

3. Spoiled Vienna
4. Gia Pet
5. Dumb Divorced Tenley

So far I’m not liking his choices.

6. Ella Belle

Still not.

7. Dirty Valishia

Say what?

8. Classy Corrie

Finally! Good choice.

9. Crazy Canuck Jessie

Well, she’s a fellow Canadian, but I wouldn’t have picked her.

10. Ashleigh Diaz

Meh.

11. Unbalanced Michelle

Yay!!!

12. Kathryn the Faker

Nope.

I like the ones who he sent home. Professor Ashley committed a grave sin, which was being a brunette. I thought she was sweet. But as I said last week, I think Jake doesn’t like career women. He needs to be the alpha male. He doesn’t need a woman with a Ph.D. around the house. To her credit, she didn’t break down after getting jilted. Always bright and cheery. Not so for Bitchy Christina. She cries. There goes the funny snark the rest of the way. I wonder if she helped herself to a jelly bean on the way out.

And next week we see that someone else goes home before the rose ceremony. Looks like Elizabeth but we’ll have to wait and see. I’m not going to Google any spoilers. It’s like opening presents before Christmas. It’s just not right.

Hope you enjoyed this week’s offering. Make sure you vote in the poll over there on the left. And leave a comment while you’re at it. We’re all in this together.