Week Eight: The Women Tell All About Rozlyn

This train just keeps chugging along. Here we are in week eight, with the end in sight. Tonight is the always entertaining Women Tell All episode. The two everyone wants to hear from are the stunningly beautiful Wrong Reason Rozlyn, who entered into an “inappropriate relationship” with a show producer, and Unbalanced Michelle, whose mom needs grandkids stat. Sure, we’ll want to hear from the sweet southern Ella Belle and the phoney baloney Gia Pet, but they’re after-thoughts. No doubt we’ll get endless highlight packages. Oh yeah, and Former Front Runner Ali. I’m sure I’ve forgotten some more crazies.

Before I fire up the PVR, I should recap last week’s poll numbers. After a high of 39 votes last week, our numbers slipped, which is odd because the blog hits were at an all-time high last week, almost doubling the regular numbers. Is that a testament to the uninspiring finalists, or to my boring poll question? Dunno. But here are the numbers: Dumb Divorced Tenley was by far the favourite with 11 votes (44%). Spoiled Vienna was way back with only 3 votes (12%). You gotta admire the tenacity of her family. They’re here every week giving her her only votes. The rest of the votes, 11 (44%), went to the category “Ditch them both”. The last time somebody did that (the only time? I can’t keep track) there was outrage from the citizenry. If it happened this time, I think we’d all be okay with it. Wouldn’t we?

Oh, yeah, the show. No point in doing a play-by-play because the first half was so dull. This show – hell, this series – could cut back an hour every week and we wouldn’t miss a thing. Tonight there were endless recaps and highlights, a mini-feature on former contestants cruising for lust. Is it any wonder they’re all still single the way they carry on? Hmm, maybe that’s a Catch-22. Why saddle yourself with a life partner when you know there are going to be these shallow, decadent meat markets every year?

At least that was more fun that the feel-good clips about how The Bachelor gives back to the community. Some of the former contestants painted posters with kids, who must have been beside themselves with glee getting to spend time with people they’ve never seen or heard of before. Then others are giving stuff to schools, handing over giant cheques to lesbian celebrities and handing out food at foodbanks. Do the down-and-out really want to be identified on national television like that? I may be cynical, but it reminds me of the bogus NBA Cares program, where the athletes are shown helping out in the community for the exact duration we see them on screen. I can just imagine both the athletes and the Bachelor folks asking the cameramen, “You got that? Good. I’m outta here.”

Also, don’t these people live all over the map? And are Ali and Ed the only ones in the history of the series to have job commitments? How is it they can all gather in one place all the time for philanthropy and orgies?

The real reason we watch this particular episode every season is to hear the bitching. That’s it. Is there any need to bring 14 of them out when we only really want to hear from a few of them? Really, who is Emily? Who is Channy? There’s no reason for them to be there. Yeah, yeah, Channy was the one with the self-described landing strip, but when one line is your claim to fame, just play the line in the endless highlights and save the show some money by leaving her at home. Even Classy Corrie, who we actually know and remember, got no time tonight. I’d at least like to have heard if she’s lost her virginity.

The next best thing about these episodes is the stuff we didn’t get to see. Don’t you always wonder why not? The bloopers make them all look like real people. Why does the series have to have a soap opera feel to it? Show them farting and goofing around during the rest of the season, too. There were some good lines about Dumb Divorced Tenley we hadn’t heard before. One of them said she fell out of a Disney movie. Gia Pet said she shits rainbows. And Spoiled Vienna said she dreams in cartoons. All solid lines.

The most fun was the train wreck that is Wrong Reason Rozlyn. Gone was the stunning beauty. She was replaced by a defensive, seemingly strung out on drugs ugly woman. Not her best moment. But even so, Chris went over the line when he called her a 10,000-pound elephant.

The segment where she faced her accusers was riveting, but suspicious. Did they know it would go like that? Why not just have her on the panel with all the other girls instead of sequestering her away until it was time to hear the case against? But they bring her out and she waves to all the girls. They stare back icily. I’m one not to rush to judgment and I think the truth is usually somewhere in the middle, so let’s rehash the case for and against:

The Case Against

• Gia says Rozlyn wasn’t in her bed at night. Something definitely went on.
• Ashleigh says they all witnessed stuff, like cuddling and kissing on the forehead.
• Jessie saw her on top of the producer on the stairs making out. She swears on her dog’s life.
• Ella saw her on all fours on the couch with her butt in the air wearing short shorts, asking someone to send the producer in because she needed to be put to bed.
• Christina says they all saw her cuddling the guy 24/7.
• Valishia says she woke up at 4 a.m. and Rozlyn was not in the room so she looked all over the house for her, with no success.
• Her relationship with the producer has continued.
• The producer has since gone to Rozlyn’s hometown with his dad.

The Case For

• The girls are all so silly.
• Come on.
• Rozlyn swears on her child’s life.
• She never bashed the other girls. They were all so beautiful.
• Ella had a massage once.
• Chris hit on the producer’s wife in New Zealand.

Hmm. Tough one. I’ll have to retire to my chambers to mull this one over...

Okay, I’m back. Guilty as charged.

Rozlyn’s best defense (when not pulling a Ross Perot-as-played-by-Dana Carvey: “Excuse me, if you’re gonna ask me a question, let me answer!”) was that there are cameras all over the place and, as she said, “you somehow missed the biggest scandal of the season?” I think that’s curious, too. But not completely unexplainable. As Chris said, they don’t shoot 24/7. There are no hidden cameras. And surely a producer would know when the cameras would be rolling.

Throughout it all, Crazy Roz looked on at the other girls in mock horror and outrage. Even if she wasn’t, the whole segment was a thing of beauty. At the very least it will make me sit up and take notice next season when they have another reunion feature. I want to keep tabs on her. I think she and Michelle should get their own show.

Gia has a turn in the hotseat. What did we learn? Nothing other than she’s not a very good actress. Was she even a serious contender? Sure, she was top three, but only because the whole field was so weak.

Unbalanced Michelle seemed just as beautifully unbalanced as ever. She wasn’t playing games when she threatened to leave the show a few times but she was shocked when Jake asked her to leave. Chris tried a couple of different approaches but she just kept contradicting herself and talking in circles. She said you can’t find love on the show. Really, Michelle? Seriously? What about Trista and Ryan? Huh? And what about... well, Trista and Ryan have a couple of kids now. What about that? Is that not love?... And look at those reunion cruise parties... Okay, point taken. But Ali disagrees. She fell in love. And I don’t think she was talking about her boss, who she chose over Jake.

Speaking of Ali, if she’s not the next Bachelorette, I’ll eat my edible hat. She’s a crowd favourite and is still smitten with Jake. And she so wants to be America’s sweetheart that she apologized publicly to Spoiled Vienna. Vienna’s a person, too, don’t forget. We should all lay off her. There. Now can Ali please get the job? We love her again.

She actually made a good point. I’m sure some will ridicule it but it’s something I’ve thought many a time about this show. She said she kinda felt like if the love were real, what difference does it make if she leaves the show or not? If he really loved her, he would find her. That is faultless logic. The kind of faultless logic that will see to it you’re single the rest of your life, but faultless none the less.

Jake comes out. He’s just so bland I don’t see what the fuss is about. His heart was crying when he sent Gia home. He was waiting for Ali to jump out of a moving limo to run back to him on broken ankles. Ali was all verklempt. Kathryn whines about not being given enough of a chance. Yes, I laughed, too. And he hinted that there are more tough moments to come. Since there’s only one more episode left, we can only guess at what we’ve been guessing for weeks now – that he chooses no one. In the upcoming highlights, we see him pulling a Jake by copying himself from last season and bending over a railing and crying. We also see what looks like the two finalists at the rose ceremony looking horrified, as in they’re getting dumped.

Just think. Only one more week and we’re done with this merry band of losers. And then it’s just a matter of time until Ali quits her precious job to come back into the limelight and save us from a wasted season.

See you next week. Vote in the poll!