Week Seven: Down goes Ali!

With the excitement of the NBA all-star weekend abated, I can now give my full concentration to this week’s episode of The Bachelor. Oh, yeah, and there’s the Winter Olympics happening all around us here in Vancouver. But how much moguls can a guy watch? Granted, it is funny when a guy bumping down the mountain falls down, but that gets old in a hurry.

So it’s back to Jake and his ladies. We had record numbers in our poll this week (I use the royal ‘we’ because we’re all in this together). As of 6 pm Monday (PST), we had a whopping 39 votes in the poll asking for your favourite. Here’s the breakdown: Dumb Divorced Tenley received by far the most votes of the remaining three, with 18 (or 46% of the vote). Spoiled Vienna’s family was back this week to give her 3 votes (7%), while the former ugly duckling-cum-soft porn model Gia Pet also got 3 votes. But 15 votes (38%) went to ‘None of the above’. You know things are bad when the show can’t even manufacture interest in more than one remaining contestant.

On a side note, I came across this British video showing just how misleading editing can be on reality TV. It’s worth a look, even though The Bachelor isn’t mentioned. It's very enlightening:

Our other question in the poll was whether or not you thought Former Front Runner Ali would make a triumphant return to the show, after pulling an Ed and going back to her mind-numbing job as a sales rep at Facebook (those sales rep jobs are hard to come by, I know). Out of a total of 38 votes, 29 people thought she’d be back: 15 (39%) said definitely and 16 (42%) said ‘I sure hope so’. On the negative side, 6 (15%) said, ‘Nope, that ship has sailed’, while 1 (2%) rudely voted ‘Good riddance’. That’s a fine how-do-you-do for the Former Front Runner.

That’s the big question this week: Will she or won’t she? According to the upcoming highlights last week, Ali gives Jake a call on his exotic vacation with the three remaining gals. Her leaving struck me as a ploy on her part to test Jake, because she certainly doesn’t have the kind of glamourous and rare job that she should care about losing. As much as I think she’d be the one for Jake, I’m not confident he even knows what he wants or needs. Either way, I’m hoping he calls her bluff and tells her not to come back.

But enough chit-chat. Let’s get on with the show!:

SEGMENT 1: They are in Saint Lucia. There’s a great upcoming highlight of the episode where Gia sounds sloshed. I had to rewind the tape twice to hear what she said. Oh how I hope she really is wasted!

Other than that, though, this first segment was a total waste of network airtime. We “learn” what he thinks of all the girls and how wonderful they make him feel and all that. I say “learn” because we already know this. They treat each episode as if they’re attracting millions of new viewers so they always feel the need to recap like crazy. Hey, just get on with it, producers. The late-comers will pick up the pieces as we move along.

What was interesting, though, was that even though Former Front Runner Ali left the show, she still sleeps with a full camera crew. We see her in bed back in San Francisco. She’s heartbroken without Jake -- even with that amazing sales job (or “advertising account manager” as they pad it on the show). She said she chose her job over Jake because she was scared. Only she calls it a “career”. Whatever. But without love, she can’t sleep. Uh, Ali, maybe it’s due to the whole production crew standing around your bedroom filming you.

She also says she can’t focus on her work and every day she’s away from him, her heart breaks a little bit more. Yes, Facebook bosses, this is exactly the kind of employee you need! Demanding her back at work (if that’s really how it went down) could only have backfired. What were you thinking? There’s no upside to what they did. You want your employees to be happy and not resent you. If you, dear reader, don’t already hate Facebook for constantly needlessly updating their site, hate them for this.

Ali says she’s going to fight for him. Uh, honey, you’re the one who left. This makes absolutely no sense. She tells him she loves him. She seems to want him more than any of the other girls. She pulls a lame excuse out of her butt as a way to let him know she might leave, hoping he tells her to stay and that she's the only one for him. She then leaves, but makes sure the camera crew follows her home to the streets of San Francisco. Then she says she’s going to fight for him? Now I really hope he tells her to take a hike.

SEGMENT 2: Jake and Gia go to Pigeon Island. He thinks something is holding her back and it might be her past relationships with millionaire athletes. Hmm, could be, Jakester. But Gia claims to be ga-ga in love. She gets butterflies in her stomach just thinking about him. I don’t want to make sweeping generalization about all New York models and claim they all do blow, but if that’s the case (and I’m not saying it is, understand), maybe on this drug-free televised journey, she’s finally allowing herself to feel actual human emotions. Because she really does look smitten. I’m starting to fall for her myself. Sure, maybe it has something to do with the photos I posted of her last week, but so be it.

SEGMENT 3: Gia Pet and Jake are about to turn Smuggler’s Cove into Snuggler’s Cove, if Jake’s faith-based dating is true to form. Nothing more than that going down in the fantasy suite, I bet.

On a torch-lit dinner on the beach, Jake says he loves how deep Gia is, even more than her drop-dead beauty. It doesn’t help that she’s wearing a diamond-encrusted tiara. There’s a funny moment when Jake is telling her he’ll take care of her even if she doesn’t take care of him and he feels she’s probably the same way. She responds with an uncommital, “Yeah, I see what you’re saying.” But she, in turn, loves how deep Jake is. The millionaire athletes she usually dates couldn’t say half of what Jake’s laying out there right now. Uh, maybe because they don’t have to. They’re millionaire athletes! The world is their oyster. We are here to serve them and not vice versa.

Swinging over the ocean in an oversize hammock, Jake feels it’s time to lay down the fantasy suite card. And of the three remaining bachelorettes, she’d be the one most guys would want to spend the night with. (I say “most guys” in a transparent move to distance that wish from myself because I’m a happily married man who’d never even look twice at another woman.) Gia, not surprisingly, says, “I’m ready to go all the way.” Seriously! Awesome. Clothes are littering the floor and they get in a bath. But fear not, Gia is wearing a bathing suit. What else did you expect from a swimsuit model? Does Jake tap that thang? I’m not sure if he’s a proponent of sex before marriage, but he’d be a fool not to.

In the upcoming highlights, we see Jake telling Ali to get on a plane and get to the island right now. Thanks, producers! You know, I go out of my way in this little corner of The Bachelor universe to be a spoiler-free zone, and they constantly spoil as much as they can themselves.

SEGMENT 4: In Rodney Bay, Dumb Divorced Tenley greets Jake. Jake’s got that afterglow mixed with shame from the night before. They go flying. But not just any old flying. They are going in... wait for it... a HELICOPTER! Woo-hoo!!! That never gets old... Oh wait a second. Yes, it does. I always get those mixed up.

Tenley is falling in love, but she can’t let herself fall all the way in love until she knows that he values marriage as much as she does. Like, you know, so much so that he'll feel confident enough to laze around on the couch all day and not budge when she walks in the door after a hard day’s work. That kind of value. When she makes a commitment, she sticks to it, she says. So no matter how bored she is with you, Jake, you can guarantee she’ll be there when you get home from work. She won’t get up for you, but she’ll be there.

Of the final three, she is the most natural of beauties. Gia’s had work and Vienna ain’t all that hot to begin with. But Tenley is just a striking woman. As they’re making out on the beach, she tells us in voice-over that she hasn’t been with another man since her divorce and she isn’t sure she’s ready to take the leap of faith that the fantasy suite would bring with it. If you know what I mean. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

SEGMENT 5: At dinner, Dumb Divorced Tenley wears big hoop earrings. I’m a sucker for those. If Spoiled Vienna wore them I’d probably be sucked in to her wicked ways, too. Tenley tells us she’s glad Jake wants to take things slow, not quite getting that that might not be a positive. She mentions her ex-husband again, saying he’s the only guy she’s ever spent the night with. Jake, meanwhile, really hopes she feels safe enough to move the relationship forward with him. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

As they stare into each other’s eyes, Tenley again drops the divorce line, but says her ex is really in the past. No really. Seriously, now. That’s the reason she keeps talking about her first marriage and ex-husband because she’s so over them. She lets him know she’s falling in love with him, which makes her really excited. Now’s the time to slip her the card, Jakey boy.

But no, Jake leads Tenley from the table, up the stairs and dances barefoot with her. It was at this point, she says, that she realized she wants to dance with him forever. And by “dance”, you know what she means. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

God, are they miking their lips? Those are the loudest kisses. We don’t need to hear that.

Jake hands the card over and says he's really excited about it. But he lets her read it. Why do they go through this charade every time? If the cards were different each season, I’d understand. But they’ve been the same from the beginning of time. She reads the card and without a second of a pause she says, “I want every second that I can have with you so I would love to stay with you tonight.” After all that, we find out she's all talk. Somewhere, her ex-husband is breathing a sigh of relief. But still, what a letdown. What happened to her values?! The slut!

But she says it’s all about trust and she hopes he sees that she’s committed to moving forward with him and having a future with him. Uh, Tenley, dearest, you know he was just with a swimsuit model last night, right? Trust is a two-way street.

As she plays the old line about this not being something she usually does (going to a room alone with a guy), Jake says, without a hint of irony or sarcasm, that he just loves her values and her morals. Then they proceed to make out in the pool.

SEGMENT 6: Now it’s Vienna time. He says he needs that “fun, light, almost immature side”. True to form, the Spoiled one says she’s never been in love before but is falling in love now. So, to recap for any new viewers and readers, this is a girl who was engaged to be married to her pastor’s son. When he broke it off, she was so shattered she married another guy just to get back at her ex. But she says she’s never been in love before. Nice.

They have full run of the ship used in in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean. Jake dons an eye patch and closes the wrong eye (i.e. the exposed one). They strip down and Vienna reveals a lower abdomen tattoo just like Gia. I think that signifies she’s rounded Cape Horn. If you know what I mean. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

More goofing around and Jake puts a rag over his head, grabs a fake sword and forces Vienna off the plank. He follows and they swim to shore. Vienna says she’s just a happy person who loves to smile and laugh. Jake loves how comfortable they are together. But tonight he has to learn if there’s more to her behind that empty smile. Is there substance to her heart? We’ll find out right after the break.

SEGMENT 7: Vienna had a great day, but tonight she’s scared because she knows she’s not the only girl on Saint Lucia with him. (That’d be sloppy thirds.) But she’s going to go out on a limb (as opposed to a plank) and tell him how she feels. She tells him she doesn’t want kids for a few years. He asks if she’s ready to be married, and she responds, “Absolutely.” And we know she doesn’t just fall into marriage lightly. She takes it very seriously. She has to really love someone to consider marriage. Either that or do it out of spite.

Now this is odd. At dinner, Jake quizzes her on what type of ring she likes. Why would he do this? I can think of three reasons: 1. She’s the new front-runner in his mind, 2. He’s toying with her, or 3. He did this with everyone else and they’re just showing us this time just to piss us off. She asks if he could see her as his wife and he says yes. What else is he going to say? But at least he tells her that he’s fallen for the other two, too. So she lays it all on the line. “I’ve fallen in love with you,” she says before managing to scare up some crocodile tears to really sell it. But Jake eats it up. He loves her “brutal honesty”.

With that, he hands her the card. Gee, I wonder what it says. Oh, get this: she gets an invitation to the fantasy suite. Ha! Who knew?! She agrees they need some “alone time”. (That’d be sexual intercourse.) Hope her dad isn’t watching. He’s going to be jealous.

SEGMENT 8: Here’s the phone call we all knew was coming. It’s Ali. There’s a camera on her, naturally, because this isn’t planned at all. She says she’s a mess. “I know that I made the wrong choice and I want to come back. I just really, really would hate to think that because of my fear and my mistake we would never find out if we were really a match,” she says. Blah, blah, blah. Let her go, dude. But we know he’s going to tell her to get on a plane and come to Saint Lucia.

Or does he?! Oh, those sneaky editors and producers. Here’s the full quote: “Everything about me wants to say get on a plane and come here right now but I’m falling in love with these women that are here. I have to just go with my heart.... I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” Yay, Jake! If she’s not going to put out in the fantasy suite, she doesn’t deserve to be back in the picture.

Ali is crestfallen. She just didn’t realize it would all change so quickly. Foiled again with your mind-games, Ali. Let that be a lesson (and a cautionary tale for any game-players out there watching). But fret not, Ali fans, she’s a shoe-in for the next Bachelorette.

Now she looks like a total wreck crying to the camera about the horrible decision she made. Oh well. See you in the cubicle first thing Tuesday morning, Ali! You can console yourself in the fact you still have a dream job. Maybe someone will bring in doughnuts to help take the sting away. And tell you what, take 20 minutes instead of 15 for your coffee break.

SEGMENT 9: In his sit-down with Chris, Jake shows his loyalty to the three remaining girls with a bit of a shot aimed at Ali: “I was falling in love with Ali. Everything in me wanted her back but I just didn’t feel like it was the right thing to do. The three women I have remaining here, they’re still here. They didn’t leave. I’m sure they have things they’re worrying about at home but they didn’t leave.” Well put. Of course, it doesn’t help that two of the three left are hopelessly ill-suited to be your wife, but that’s beside the point. They stuck it out.

In this conversation, it might be telling that he says he’s falling in love with both Tenley and Vienna, but doesn’t say that about Gia. But he has connected with each of these women, he says. (That’d be sexual intercourse.) He’s not ready to send one of them packing just yet. Maybe the “very private, personal” video message they've each made will make things easier.

SEGMENT 10: Tenley’s video says, “Hey Jake, never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be standing here today falling in love with you after such heartbreak...” (if you recall, she was previously married and it didn’t work out)... “You’ve brought so much back into my life...” (that’d be sexual intercourse)... “knowing that I can fall in love and dream again. I came here to meet this incredible man and you’ve exceeded my expectations. There’s just so many things that I adore about you and it makes me look forward to a future of travelling the world with you and exploring new adventures, and having babies with you. I love all those moments that we’ve shared along this journey. I love our kisses. There are so many of 'em and I can’t wait for a lifetime of more. But when you kiss me I feel so adored and I feel appreciated for all that I am. And when we dance together, I dream of dancing with you forever. I believe that we can have that fairytale ending that I’ve never had before and I’m definitely falling in love with you and I hope that you’re falling in love with me, too.”

Gia’s video says, “So here we are. We’ve come so far. And I think you are an incredible person. And I have an amazing time with you. Every day we hang out, every second shared I feel like we grow with one another. It’s been very hard for me to open up but I have a lot. And I only do that for someone that I’m falling in love with. And I can honestly say to you right now that I am falling in love with you. And I love being with you. And I really hope that we have more time to grow with each other, to open up to one another. And I never want to let you go. I love hugging you and I love being with you. I miss you.” And I love how she talks like a ten-year-old writing a school paper beginning each sentence with “and”. That’s so endearing.

Vienna’s video says, “Hi sweetheart. You know, since the moment I stepped out of that limo and I met you, I knew you were going to be the man of my dreams. This has been a really long and tough journey but you’ve been worth every moment of it. I love that I can be myself when I’m with you. I want to wake up in your arms the rest of my life. And I want to flirt with you for the next eighty years because I’m completely in love with you. You mean the world to me. And I can’t wait to be your wife. You’re everything to me.”

If he is just going by those presentations, it’s gotta be Gia Pet that gets booted. She was guarded with both her words and her emotions while Tenley and Vienna laid it all right out there. We’ll see.

SEGMENT 11: The three amigas line up in Rodney Bay waiting for a rose. But only two will get one. One will be going home. Jake tells them he’s fallen in love with all three of them and would be happy to marry any one of them but he’s there to find that one special girl and that’s what’s getting him through this.

He picks up the first rose. It goes to Tenley. (I wrote that before he said it!)

He picks up the second and last rose. It goes to Vienna. (I didn’t write that before he said it because Gia was looking so happy, so giddy.)

Gia doesn’t look all that upset. But she’s been through this before with her millionaire athlete boyfriends. But now she’s crying. And I can’t stop staring at her upper lip. Not only because of the sweat forming there but because it just looks so weird. There’s no way she hasn’t had some kind of work done on it. She should sue.

In the limo, she says she was shocked and feels crushed. Jake is just happy he finally made her cry.

And that’s it for another week. Next week is the ladies tell all episode, or whatever it’s called. Can’t wait to see lovely psychotic Michelle again!!!