The Bachelorette: Take This Job and Shove It!

So we’re back. I’ve got to say I’ve thought not a whit about the upcoming season. On my way to a barbecue on this Canadian holiday, my wife says we forgot to record The Bachelorette. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t even know it was on. But we made it back with time to spare so here we are.

Now, who is this year’s hero/ine? Ah, yes, the lovely whatserface.... Seriously, what is her name? Ali? I can picture her. I’ll get caught up soon enough. The show doesn’t start for another 20 minutes. She’s an interesting one. The last two Bachelor/ettes were Jake and Jillian and when each were lowly contestants, they were kinda golden. There was really nothing bad about either one. Then, when faced with the spotlight every week, we could see their faults (well, Jake’s faults, anyway; Jillian will always and forever remain golden in my eyes).

But Ali had her ups and downs last season. She started out, if you’ll recall (and I barely do) as the Frontrunner. Then her cattiness surfaced and I didn’t know what to make of her. Still, as the season wore on and the producers realized she was America’s sweetheart, they cut out all her bad parts and here we are. Should be an interesting season. We’ll see which one of these losers she gets saddled with.

Does anyone know what’s up with Jake and his bride-to-be? Are they still pretending to love each other? I don’t follow these things outside the season and don’t read the tabloids. But if there’s any good gossip I should know, or comments about this season, please, by all means, leave a comment. I love to read them.

Which leads me to my credo: No Spoilers. I’m not Reality Steve. I’ve got a life. I watch the show once a week, then forget about until the following week. Plus, I think spoilers, well, er, spoil the experience. Why try to find out who won or who will get the boot before we see it? Isn’t most of the fun seeing the show as it happens? So if you want all the juicy gossip, go visit the bitchy Reality Steve. Here, I’ll just stick to the show.

Speaking of which, let’s get started already!

Last season was The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. Why doesn't Ali rate a subtitle? We've got to come up with one for her. How about The Bachelorette: Take This Job and Shove It! Ah yes, Chris Harrison reminds us of the “shocking end” last season when Ali was forced to choose between her “dream job” and “the love of her life”. How long did that last? A couple weeks? Hate to think how long she would have lasted with Jake. This time she’s going to put everything she has into the show and relationship. She’ll stay with the new guy at least a month.

Montage of Ali in repose, kicking a soccer ball, walking the beach. I think she’s really cute and smart, but I think she’s possibly the chunkiest Bachelorette ever. At the very least, it’s a toss-up between her and DeAnna.

Montage of the guys. Testosterone a-flowing. Jesus, these producers have got to get a handle on this show. By their own admission, they choose contestants based on drama and TV, but they should weed them out a little better. One of these years, they’ll regret it when some psycho won’t let go. If Ali is choosing love, shouldn’t the producers be a little more responsible?

***

Quick capsule reviews of a few of the guys:

• Frank is a little hyper dweeb.
• Jay is a lawyer. Slimy.
• Craig M. lives in downtown Toronto. He hits the clubs, is definitely good with the girls. Permanent 5 o’clock shadow. He’s full of it.
• Kyle, mountain man from Colorado. We see him ice fishing. Out in the wilds, there are no women. He needs a woman to take care of him and his dog.. He’s a killer with a choker.
• Justin, pro wrestler from Toronto. Plays the bad guy; is a good boy. I bet he’s a front runner.
• Phil, 30, investment manager. Trains for triathlons since the death of his younger brother. Looks like another front runner.
• Jonathan, a weatherman. Oh good lord. Secret weapon: humour. You know how funny weatherpeople are. Right? Oh, they’re a laugh-a-minute those weatherpeople. This can’t help his career at all.
• Ty from Tennessee. Does everything with his dog. Big ears. Was married for two years. Recently divorced. Plays the guitar, as all southerners do, apparently. Well, Wes did, anyway.
• Chris, former high school math teacher from Cape Cod. Now a landscaper. Mom died. Life is short, he now realizes.
• And others that go by too quick. One is tattooed and does push-ups, which go hand-in-hand.

***

It’s funny, isn’t it, hearing all these studs talking about last season. If you paid me, I couldn’t find five guys who admit to watching this series, yet these playahs, who hit the clubs or live in the wilderness all make this appointment TV. Glad to know I’m not the only one.

Ali sits down with Chris. She’s all dolled up. It doesn’t really suit her. She’s more a down-home all-American natural girl. She says she’s given up so much to be here (her job and apartment, anyway) but they all say that. I can't stress this enough: Ali’s given up absolutely nothing. She’s making a ton of money and getting fame that could launch her in a new career if nothing else. A lasting relationship is just icing on the cake.

Now it’s time to meet the guys. Well, right after the break. I forgot how they have to stretch 45 minutes of show over 2 hours.

***

The journey begins. Here come the yelping yahoos.

First out a handsome devil from my hometown! Chris H. says he’s a real estate developer. He’s a charmer and not in a sleazy way. Good Canadian kid. I like him.

Jesse is only 24. He mumbles. Makes a lame joke about his hometown.

Chris L., the Cape Cod former teacher. Seems decent. Ali will see him inside. (She said that about five times. Awkward.)

Ty lays on the compliments. Ah, he’s the Tennessee boy. No real feelings one way or the other yet.

The next guy is the hyper dweeb. He climbs out the sun roof. Frank is his name. He tries way too stinkin’ hard. He’ll stick around but oh how I long for the day he’s sent home.

Here comes the broken-footed pro wrestler. Justin is his name. He says he’s from “Toronto, Ontario, Canada.” Why stop there, Justin? You forgot to say North America and Planet Earth.

Jay the slimy lawyer is next. He looks her up and down, undressing her with his eyes. He’s got a haircut from the 1970s.

Chris N. The third Chris. This is ridiculous. They should allow only one person of the same name. It’s too confusing. He pulls a rose out of thin air.

Kasey is a bit of a dud. Gives a little speech. Desperate.

The last guy in every car is a goof. This one is Kyle, who mime-reels her in. You see, Kyle likes fishing. You see what he's doing?

Roberto is an insurance agent. He speaks Spanish to her. She likes him. I don’t see it.

Craig M. says he’s so happy she’s not Vienna. Good opening line. But he’s oily. He’s also from Toronto.

John N. has some blindingly white teeth. That’s all I got on John N.

Tyler is in online advertising. Broke, in other words. Seems like a bit of a geek.

John C. Nerdy. Gets down on one knee and asks her to accept this genuine cubic zirconian ring. At least it’s original.

***

The last ten.

Jonathan, the weatherman. He tells her that right off the bat. He must be proud of his job, or thinks Ali is impressed with anyone on TV, no matter what entry-level job they hold.

Craig R. Really? Another Craig? Seriously? Doesn’t matter because he’s not sticking around. But just in case, we’ll call him Ugly Craig. Because he is.

Steve. He’s a front runner, I would think. So much so that I have nothing to say about him. He’s too normal.

Kirk demands a hug right away. Does origami. Poorly. Makes her a rose out of a red paper napkin.

Tyler M, aka Cowboy Boots. No tie, either. Oh, this is classic!: He says how he remembered Ali was wearing cowboy boots when she got out of her limo. Oops! Uh... not so much, Tyler M. It wasn’t her, she tells him. That is freakin’ awesome! That is one beautiful opening line. He thought about it for months and came up with something that was completely wrong! Sometimes this series is just too awesome.

Hunter comes in for a hug. He planned something humorous to say but her beauty took it away. And he really has to take a whiz.

Derek looks weird. Chucks a leaf at her. He is weird.

Phil, calls himself Philip. Pretentious twat.

Derrick calls himself Shooter. He’s the designated no-hope guy.

Jason gets out the wrong side of the limo and walks over the car and does a back flip, which he hopes compensates for his lack of personality.

Ali thinks her husband is in the house. We shall see.

***

Let the alcohol flow and the fisticuffs begin! Who will the troublemakers be? Hard to tell right now. Roberto described Ali as “superfly” so he might be a candidate.

And the stealing away begins. And surprise, surprise, it’s the hyper dweeb Frank who does it.

But wait, one guy made a scrapbook for her. It’s Kirk. It ain’t gonna pay off. I hope not, anyway. His origami rose sucked so I don’t think the scrapbook will be any good. He describes his mom as “gorgeous”. That can’t be a good sign. Mama’s boy.

Kasey’s voice puts me to sleep. He says he’s a mama’s boy. Calls his dad out on national TV saying he cheated on his mom. Ali likes him. Then again, she fell in love with Jake so what does she know?

Hunter serenades her on his ukulele. He’s not bad. He can play and the song is semi-entertaining. Jason is jealous. We’ll call him Jealous Jason. Jason, remember, is the boring backflip guy. He’s trouble.

Shooter’s strategy is to be himself. Here’s the story of his name. It’s embarrassing. He’s a premature ejaculator! Let me understand... He can’t keep it going in the sack, tells his buddies, they in turn give him an embarrassing nickname, and he, in turn, KEEPS IT! And introduces himself as Shooter on national TV! Nice strategy, Shooter. Don’t get to know her first. Just blurt out your big funny secret on your first sit-down together. But I guess he’s living up to his name, isn’t he? Blowing his load right off the bat. Alright, move on, big Shooter. You had your 15 minutes of fame.

Craig M., from Toronto, is jealous of the weatherman, who wouldn’t let him or Ali get a word in edgewise. The Weatherman didn’t appreciate being patronized. Everyone should bow down to the Weather God. Don't they realize he's on TV?!

The first impression rose comes out and it changes everything. It’s real now. Oh yes, the game is afoot!

***

Ali wants to know all about Roberto. She thinks he’s handsome. She’s staring into his soul. She’s lost in his dimple. He’s sticking around for sure. I think he’s going to be a crazy. And not just because he salsa dances with her, but that’s a big part of it.

Cape Cod former teacher says she looks “wicked awesome”. He also says he’s a mama’s boy. That’s three so far. She asks if her parents are still together. He lies and says yes. But it’s a good lie. He didn’t want to get all emotional on that first meeting. Good for him. Don’t play the sympathy card too soon. There’s plenty of time for that. It’s all about peeling back the layers.

Jay the lawyer shows some humility, saying he dropped the ball and probably wouldn’t be getting a rose. He had one chance, he says, and blew it. I like him a little more now.

Justin, the Pro Wrestler says he does “a little bit of professional wrestling”. What does that mean? Does he have another job? He shows her his Rated R T-shirt. How did he choose this character? The guy is a pussycat. He’s totally G-rated. Some of the guys think he’s “here for the wrong reasons”. There’s always one. I don’t see it, though. Craig R. is already tattling, telling Ali that some aren’t there for the right reasons. Like he knows this soon into it.

But then Chris brings out a box. Each person is supposed to write the name of someone who’s not there for the right reasons. Hyper Dweeb Frank says someone’s going home because of it, but I didn’t hear Chris say any such thing. I might have missed it, sure, but they’ve done this the past couple of seasons and no one’s ever gone home. I’m sure she doesn’t even know the names of everyone yet.

***

Jesse is still mumbling. I’m gonna call him the Mumbler. He tells her the suit he’s wearing is the first one he’s ever bought. So he mumbles and doesn’t dress well. Got it.

The rose goes to... who? She creeps throughout the house and gives it to Creepy Roberto. You could tell by the way she was looking at him. Man, I thought for sure it was going to be Shooter.

Chris announces the results of the poll. One guy was overwhelmingly voted as the guy here for the wrong reasons. It’s all up to Ali whether he stays or goes. And it’s Justin the Rated-R Canadian pro-wrestler. He’s floored. He seems like a good guy but we’re only getting the edit. I bet he sticks around.

He talks to her and she looks skeptical. He tells her he’s passionate about wrestling and realizes maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned it on the first date. Ali thanks the guys, but gives Justin a rose anyway. That’d be a fail, fellas. She has good sense.

Ugly Craig doesn’t trust Justin, though. Ugly guys rarely trust good looking guys.

***

And now it’s rose ceremony time. The G-rated Rated R and Creepy Roberto are sticking around. Now let’s see who else is. It’s kind of early. Maybe there’ll be some drama after the ceremony. But here they are:

3. Jesse the Mumbler

4. Big-Ear Tennessee Ty.

5. Ugly Craig. So I was wrong.

6. Tyler B, the broke online advertising guy

7. Hyper Dweeb Frank

8. Steve the front runner. Or one of them, anyway.

9. Cape Cod Chris

10. Origami Kirk

11. John C., the nerdy guy with the cubic zirconian gag

12. Chris N., who magically pulled a rose out of thin air

13. Chris H. from Vancouver

14. Hunter, who had to take a whiz and played the ukulele. We’ll call him the Uke Wiz.

15. Craig M., the Sarnia Sleaze (that’d be Toronto for all you non-Canadians)

16. Jonathan the Weatherman. It’ll be sunny in his world.

And the final rose goes to:

17. Kasey the Desperate Dud

That means these eight guys are gone:

1. Kyle, the ice-fisher, says he feels like a failure.
2. Shooter is going home to jerk off.
3. Jay the lawyer says he would have sent himself home. He didn’t bring it.

And that’s all the producers felt we needed to know about. But I’ll tell you who else didn’t make it:

4. John N., with blindingly white teeth.
5. Tyler M., who mistook Ali for someone who wore cowboy boots.
6. Derek, who chucked a leaf at her.
7. Phil, who called himself Philip.
8. Backflip Jason.

That’s it. Your winners and losers, ladies and gentlemen.

***

Upcoming highlights: Turkey, Iceland, Portugal, Tahiti. We see Ali getting it on with just about everyone. Looks like Craig, the Sarnia Sleaze, is a problem. We see an ambulance. We see someone has a girlfriend. We see Ali confronting the jerk. We see Ali breaking down in paradise. We see her having self-doubt. We see her dancing on a bed. Best season ever? It might very well be. We’ll see.

How does it stack up to past seasons? What do you think? Leave a comment. I think it looks okay. I’ll be back. See you next week.