Week 5: Ode to Iceland

Is this show dying? Or is it just my blog? Sure, there were votes in the poll (Cape Cod Chris was by far the most favourite fella remaining, with 47 percent of you voting for him, and 89 percent of you thinking Batty Kasey is the craziest contestant ever), but I do believe last week was the first time in this blog’s storied history that it didn’t receive a single comment. I’m not begging or anything. I know these puppies are long and by the time you get to the end (if you do), you’ve got more pressing things to do. But if you do have something on your mind, by all means feel free to share it.

This week, the boys and Ali are going to Iceland. And without a hint of irony, Big Ears Ty says he gets chills thinking about going there. The least they could have done is edited in a rimshot, doncha think?

He goes on to say he doesn’t think anyone thinks of going to Iceland to find love. Is that American hubris talking? I’m sure there are a couple hundred thousand Icelanders do.

Batty Kasey is stoked about his tattoo. He can’t wait to show it to Ali. I think he’s mistaking Iceland for Fantasyland.

Even though we don’t see much, I like the airport and airplane shots of the guys. It’s something we haven’t seen in umpteen seasons of The Bachelor/ette. Hopefully in the future we can see more. And how about seeing Ali’s flight? Why does this interest me? I don’t know, but it does.

Ali says the volcano there erupted recently for the first time in 200 years, but she didn’t specify if that was the big one. I guess we can surmise from the fact she didn’t mention it, they were there before the big one.

I’ve always wanted to go to places like Iceland, Sweden, Norway and Finland. Again, I don’t know why since I don’t particularly like the snow or cold. Still, I’m looking forward to this episode so I can live vicariously.

The guys are walking around Reykjavik (I’m guessing. How many cities are there in Iceland?). They’re complaining about the cold. They turn the corner and there’s Chris standing in just a sweater – no hat, no gloves – looking as comfortable as can be.

This week: a group date, a one-on-one date, and a “special” two-on-one date. Sounds kinky.

This week, the fellas will compete for the one-on-one date. They will each write and perform a love poem to Ali, and she then decides who gets the date. They have one hour. And they’re encouraged to slide in an Icelandic word. I know a few words from a few different languages but I can’t think of a single Icelandic word beyond Bjork.

Cape Cod Chris says he just wants to make Ali laugh. And if he does, that’ll be the first time. Hard to make someone laugh when you’re always talking about your mother, father, brothers and sisters.

Kasey’s still blathering on about his tattoo. “It’s a great thing,” he says. And he seems to believe it, which is disturbing, to say the least.

Crazy Eyes Frank asks a local how to say “I love you” in Icelandic. Good luck with that, Frank. It’s a mouthful. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say Ali won’t know the difference no matter what you say, so just fake it.

All the others also elicit help. But poor Wrassler has no luck with the natives, who all pass by as he calls for help. Those Icelanders are cold. The guy’s got crutches. He could have been in distress.

Crazy Eyes says he’s written a number of love poems in his day. I don’t doubt him for a second. I bet most of them were delivered from the ground screaming up at a window with music blasting from a ghetto blaster and the girl holed up inside not wanting anything to do with him.

***

Batty Kasey wants the one-on-one date so he can show her his tattoo and he’ll be able to see her heart and she’ll be able to see his. On his wrist. As traced by a professional.

Ali says she thinks it’s difficult for guys to show their feelings through poetry. So of course a poetry contest makes perfect sense.

The poetry recital begins:

Ugly Craig is pretty funny and honest, quoting some Icelandic mumbo-jumbo and admitting he made it up. In verse, yet.

Kasey reminds us once again, prior to reading his poem, that he’s there to guard and protect Ali’s heart. Maybe he’s got Asperger’s Syndrome. His poem seems sincere, but the guys are just now noticing that he mumbles. If you go back to the first blog post this season and you’ll see his nickname was The Mumbler. They go to the subtitles and even the crack Bachelor/ette staff can’t figure out some of his words. Maybe that’s why he just keeps repeating his stock phrase. He’s practiced it and knows he can reproduce it clearly.

Anonymous Chris N., aka Magic, goes from memory and performs the difficult and rare feat of rhyming “out” with “out” before forgetting his lines.

Origami Kirk is the only one who went to school on Roberto’s Broadway audition. He walks over to Ali to perform at her feet and ends with a hug.

Crazy Eyes Frank loves writing. Remember, he may be a retail manager by day, but he’s a screenwriter by night (who isn’t?). So he’s confident he’s going to do well. He ups Kirk by not only walking over to Ali, but sitting down beside her and taking her hand. Then he gets up and flourishes his arms for a big finish that was kind of funny. I’d say he’s winning so far.

I gather from the brief montage clips of the others that they were not stellar.

Ali actually brings up The Lion King audition, too, admitting that she’s a sucker for the obviously phony ploy of going over to her. Only Kirk and Crazy Eyes did that, and since she hadn’t had a one-on-one yet with Kirk, he gets it.

***

Kirk and Ali go sweater shopping. Rivetting prime time TV. Then they feed some swans and sit in a coffee shop where Ali asks Kirk about his dating history. He admits he hasn’t dated anyone for more than a year. Then Kirk tells the producers and us that he’s nervous to tell her about his history and what he’s been through. Can’t wait to hear it. Start singing, K.

But he tells her they can talk about it “maybe later”. Which also implies “maybe not”.

Back at the hotel, Crazy Eyes Frank says he has a gut feeling that Kirk isn’t coming home. It’s also called wishful thinking.

A knock at the door and the next date card arrives. It’s the group date card. It looks like Roberto, Cape Cod Chris, Anonymous Chris N., Ugly Craig, Big Ears Ty and Crazy Eyes Frank are the lucky ones, leaving the Wrassler and Batty Kasey with the two-on-one, which further means one of those two is going home. Since Kasey clearly was the pick of the producers last week (you can’t convince me they don’t pick, or “cast”, a percentage of the picks each week), he’s toast. They simply can't keep him around any longer for believability's sake.

***

The date with Kirk continues. Ali feels he’s hiding something. She wants to give him a rose but she doesn’t know yet. At dinner he opens up, saying he got so sick five years ago he thought he was going to die. Only he didn’t use that word because that could scare her off, I think.

Then he continues by bragging that he was an all-American track star, eighth in the country in the 1500. But then he developed breathing problems, lost 15 pounds in a month, he cheeks sunk in and his eyes popped out, the hair on his arms started falling out, he lost all his short-term memory, the left side of his body went numb, he couldn’t talk and his legs wouldn’t work. He saw about 40 doctors from coast to coast and nobody could tell him what was wrong with him. Turns out the house he lived in in college was contaminated and he had been breathing in mould for a year and a half, which affected his nervous system and digestive system and other systems.

But, he wants to make clear, it doesn’t define him. Really? So that doesn’t mean I can’t finally give him a new nickname? Oh, believe me, he’s Mouldy Kirk from here on out. So long Origami Kirk; hello Mouldy Kirk!

Ali thinks Kirk’s story is unbelievably inspiring. And he has a lot of the qualities she’s looking for in a husband. For instance, he’s going to throw out the cheese before it gets bad. After that heart-wrenching story, he gets the rose.

Mouldy Kirk feels lucky because she accepts him. What did he expect? Her to run out of the room screaming that he got sick due to some mould? Oh, people and their hang-ups.

Back at the hotel, Batty Kasey is an emotional wreck. The fact he’s got Crazy Eyes Frank as a confidante should tell you something. Frank seems to be on Kasey’s side when he’s with him, but to the camera he’ll tell us this experience is pushing Kasey over the edge. Keep in mind, Batty Kasey always stood teetering on the edge anyway. Staring out the window, an emotional Batty Kasey says, “That’s why I got this tattoo: to be someone. And to be a man.” Case closed. He’s definitely nutso.

Frank thinks Kasey should show Ali his new ink, but Batty Kasey isn’t so sure. Duplicitous Frank is no dummy. That tells me right there he’s in it to win it. Because if Kasey shows the tattoo, he’s gone. Kasey says if he gets sent home, it’s going to destroy him.

***

Next up is the group date. Out on the tundra they go horseback riding. Big Ears Ty, from Tennessee, is at home on the range, even when it’s covered in snow. The horses look more like Shetland Ponies. Cape Cod Chris is not what you’d call a natural. And he doesn’t seem thrilled when they get to a big hole in the ground. Nor should he. It’s an underground cave.

While Batty Kasey has something up his sleeve (literally), the Wrassler has plans of his own. He visits a doctor to have his cast removed and gets a walking cast in its place. Man, the Icelandic health insurance must be good. Remember, the Wrassler is Canadian so he isn’t used to paying for such medical services. But even if Iceland has a good medical insurance system, as I’m sure they do, someone not paying into it would have to pay more for their needs, I’m sure.

Ty is the man on the group date, helping everyone. Cape Cod Chris rappels down the cave. Then they all go exploring. Crazy Eyes Frank is whining about not getting enough time with Ali. Surprise, surprise. Ali raved about all the guys on the date except old Crazy Eyes. She says he’s been non-existent. And that’s his choice. The bloom may be off this rose.

***

They arrive at The Blue Lagoon, a lake with so-called healing powers. Blogs all over the blogosphere are making nude Brooke Shields references. And the way Ali strips off her parka into a bikini, they’re not far off.

Champagne is flowing and Ali sounds tipsy. She takes Big Ears Ty off to explore the lake (i.e. stand in one place and gaze into each other’s eyes.) Drunk.

She then gets jiggy with Cape Cod Chris. She wondered if their relationship was romantic yet. Looked like it, thanks to the alcohol.

No wonder Crazy Eyes Frank sympathizes with Batty Krazy. They’re both emotionally retarded. Frank can’t sit still, always looking over his shoulder at Ali with anyone who’s not him. It’s driving him insane(r).

The Wrassler and Batty Kasey are not getting along at all at the hotel. Their date is going to be off the charts! Their date card reads, “Let’s explore the land of fire and ice.” The Wrassler is exuding confidence. Kasey looks flustered.

Ali takes Crazy Eyes Frank inside and confronts him. “I don’t even see you on our group dates,” she slurs. I have no idea where they stand. But she’s drunk. And that’s worth it.

No surprise: Big Ears Ty gets the rose. Crazy Eyes Frank takes it as a wake-up call. He’s going to fight for her.

***

Kasey’s tattoo symbolizes everything he stands for, he says: his unstable emotional state.

We see the Wrassler packing his bags, in case he’s sent home. He packs like a teenager, just crumpling everything up and throwing it all in his suitcase.

The Wrassler’s confidence has become cockiness. But he’s still a far better choice than Batty Kasey. Kasey says the Wrassler is here only for himself, and he may or may not be right, but at least he’s not psychotic.

So off the three go in a helicopter on a tour of volcanoes. Was this pre- or post-eruption, I wonder? Did I already wonder this? I'm not scrolling back up to look. They land on the lava-spewing monster. One of these years, there’s going to be a serious accident on this show. They tempt fate way too much. But I guess they’re professionals. They know what they’re doing.

The Wrassler, perhaps showing he may be there for career motives, equates Ali with a championship belt.

***

Now they’re on a glacier. They get to a cave with tables of ice and candles. I don’t believe they’re natural.

Kasey is always going to guard and protect Ali’s heart, in case you forgot.

The Wrassler is a bit much in his interviews, but I think he approaches them like a pro wrestler. He’s just having fun with them. He’s got a sense of humour.

Batty Kasey is going to show Ali the extent of his battiness. More blather about guarding and protecting his heart. He rolls up his sleeve and actually presents his tattoo in a somewhat convincing fashion. Ali doesn’t look repulsed. More bemused. And she thanks him for being himself. That was kind of a let-down.

Now the game’s on. Did the tattoo charm her? Will the guys’ opinion about the Wrassler get to her?

They’re walking along a glacier and I’m thinking, what if the Wrassler hadn’t shed his crutches? How would that date have worked? Makes me think things aren’t as real as they’re presented. And I'm just now hearing that Santa Claus isn't real. This day stinks.

Ali gives the rose to Justin, the Wrassler, in the middle of nowhere. She feels something just wasn’t there with Batty Kasey. Good sense prevails. Batty Kasey has just struck out. They take off in the helicopter, leaving Kasey stranded on the glacier. Well, stranded with a camera crew and another helicopter waiting. But stranded as far as reality TV goes.

Despite what Batty Kasey said earlier, he doesn’t sound like a destroyed man after Ali rejects him. Of course, it’s always hard trying to figure out what he’s saying.

In her interview, Ali parrots what the Wrassler told her, that as hard as it is, it’s just one step on the road to her final destination of finding a husband.

***

Crazy Eyes Frank steals Ali away. I get the feeling he’ll start trashing the Wrassler now that his buddy Batty Kasey has been given the boot. Ali tells him, “I know the guys don’t like Justin.” But from what we see, Frank stays mum on the subject. He still has the crazy eyes going, though. He tells her she’s a smart girl and that’s the most attractive thing about her. They smooch. He gives her the crazy eyes look, and she says, “That’s that look I miss!” And they kiss some more. Gross.

Ugly Craig says he’s as nervous as he’s ever been in his entire life. And he has every right to be because he’s the ugliest one left. He’s gone further than anyone would have guessed so he can go out a winner and hold his head high for guys like him.

But he plays the humour card, rolling up his sleeve to reveal a pen tattoo. Ali laughs her head off. It was a good move. She loves to laugh and that move alone was funnier than anything Crazy Eyes Frank has said combined, even though Ali thinks he’s the funniest guy she’s ever met in her entire life. But ugly guys need a sense of humour. It’s all they’ve got.

Speaking of funny, Ali asks Anonymous Chris N. what’s one thing she doesn’t know about him that would surprise her. He tells her that he’s been told how funny he is. Ali looks on expectantly. Slick editing leaves it at that. Crickets. So she asks about his fun and silly side. What is his guilty pleasure? Long pause... He loves Mexican food. What a prankster! Mexican food! That’s rich!

He reaches over and pulls Ali toward him in an extremely stiff and awkward hug. Then he assures us his little tete-a-tete went well and he’s 100 percent sure he’ll get a rose.

Cape Cod Chris, in trying to prove what a good guy he is, maybe makes a misstep, saying he’d collect garbage in San Francisco if Ali was the right one. I think Ali might have a say in that. As in, see you later, garbage man.

Roberto tells Ali he’s a shy guy, then kisses her under the moonlight. You know, as all shy guys do.

***

Ali tells Chris that she thinks Kasey fell in love with the idea of falling in love. I think she’s right.

Chris plays armchair psychiatrist and tells her she’s afraid to let herself fall in love. She says she’s going to be very cautious and doesn’t want to get hurt. “What are you so afraid of,” Chris goads. He asks the hard questions, I think we all agree. I think maybe the host chair on Meet The Press might be in Chris’s future. She says she’s almost positive she’s going to fall in love and is terrified she won’t be loved back. How’s that for self-esteem?!

She vows to not let fear be such a controlling factor in her life. This from the fearful flier who flies around the world, goes on helicopter trips, descends into caves, and tightrope walks between buildings.

Only one guy is going home. So no surprise this week. It’s the handsome but dull Anonymous Chris N. Let’s just get on with it.

***

Here’s the final rose ceremony. Mouldy Kirk, Big Ears Ty and the Wrassler have a rose already. Ali’s heart is racing. It’s getting really real for her. Meaning we wasted the first few weeks, I guess.

Four roses to be handed out. And here they are:

• 4. Crazy Eyes Frank is first off the post. And he accepts the rose.
• 5. Cape Cod Chris. Everything’s going to form.
• 6. Shy Roberto.
• 7. Ugly Craig. They’ll be throwing a parade for him in Uglytown, USA. He’s a hero to ugly guys everywhere.

Anonymous Chris N. takes a hike. Ali says she just couldn’t get there with him. Chris N. has a vacant look in his eyes, pretty much the same look he’s had all season. But he says he’s shattered. He talks more in the limo ride of shame than he has all season.

Next week they leave Iceland and go to “supposively” phenomenal city of Istanbul, Turkey, aka Constantinople. Another place I’d love to visit. I can travel the world without getting off my couch. This is awesome. Things aren’t looking good for Crazy Eyes next week, and when we see a shirtless wrestling competition, things can only get worse for the pencil-necked geek... Ooh, and drama comes to Turkey when Ali finds out one of the guys has a girlfriend. She doesn’t take it well. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it were someone like Crazy Eyes or Cape Cod Chris?