Bachelor Sean: An average very special episode

Why was there a need for tonight's episode? Doesn't the Bachelor usually tell all the same night that the women tell all? Thank God it was only an hour. Not that it wasn't mildly entertaining, but this twice-a-week nonsense is getting tiring.

One disturbing trend I hope we don't see in the Women Tell All episode (but suspect we will) is the CNN-ification of it. Only instead of a news crawl along the bottom drawing in our attention, we've got an endless Twitter stream. The human brain can read and listen at the same time, but the full focus isn't there. You only get the gist of any one thing rather than the gritty details. And has there ever been anything of importance on a Twitter feed? Ever?

The first issue of the day was the dumping of Desiree. Sean asked himself if he could spend the rest of his life with her, as he did of Catherine. "With Catherine, it was a resounding 'yes'. With Des, it was a 'I think so.'" He also admitted that he'd be lying if he said her brother didn't influence his decision a bit. That being said, there were other areas that were lacking in their relationship compared with the other girls'.

I was shocked to learn that Des' brother had gotten into some trouble as a youth but had pulled himself together. You can guess which part I was shocked at. Probably the same as you. I'm being very careful here on the off-chance he can read.

Sean said he wanted to hit the guy. He took the charge of being a playboy personally. "I'm the furthest thing from a playboy," he said. And sure enough, just today, while searching for an image for this blog, I accidentally stumbled across a spoiler. You know how I hate spoilers. Thankfully this one didn't reveal who his fiancée is, but it said she's basically got blue balls. Or the female equivalent. Turns out Sean is saving himself for marriage. No wonder Harrison kept playing the upcoming overnight angle hard in anticipation of the big reveal. I guess we'll find out next week.

If it's true, and if there are any young ones out there reading this, let me just say as an older non-playboy type, don't do anything you'd regret when you're older. Without putting too fine a point on it, suffice it to say you're not going to be sitting around one day in your future with your wife of 50 years and smiling at all that sex you turned down when you were younger. The advertising slogan "Get it while it's hot" doesn't just refer to food.

Anyway, back to the show. We saw footage of an earlier scene with Desiree's brother and Sean getting along just fine. The bro told Sean he was a good fit for his sister and seemed like a "nice dude." The producers felt to include that footage originally would have confused matters. I disagree, but I see their point. The real story was in his sudden backtracking for no apparent reason. Sean had a simple explanation, however: "I chalk it up to him being a jackass." Meow!

The rest of the show featured Harrison labelling every woman he mentioned as a "fan favourite." Like Sarah, for instance. I had no idea there was a Sarah movement out there, but then again, I wouldn't. She wasn't one of my favourites. Still, I don't think Sean treated her with the respect he thought he was treating her with. When Harrison asked him why he sent her home before the rose ceremony, he mentioned the respect thing and that he wanted to explain himself. This, of course, raises the question of whether anyone sent home from a rose ceremony doesn't deserve respect or an explanation. It makes no sense but that horse is dead and beaten.

Sean said Sarah would find a soulmate. Harrison chimed in with a real beaut: "Women that leave this show learn a lot about themselves and go on to find the love of their lives." And if you don't believe him, tune in to Bachelor Pad coming to a TV screen near you this summer.

Selma's culture was discussed. As Harrison said, it's not in her culture to "date out loud." Not sure why she signed up for the Bachelor then. Maybe she thought it was The Real Housewives of Baghdad. They showed clips of her and Sean coming up with creative ways to circumvent her cultural taboos. For example, Eskimo kisses, eyelash kisses, blow jobs. You know, the usual.

Actually, is there much of a difference between Selma not kissing and Sean saving himself for marriage? It's a matter of degrees. He's in no position to judge her. Both are following the letter of their internal or cultural laws, but they're hardly following the spirit of it. No kissing probably doesn't mean dress sexy and cuddle, just as no sex before marriage probably doesn't mean hot and heavy make-out sessions and everything but intercourse.

Then there was the Lesley segment. They showed a cut scene between the two of them trying to talk dirty to each other. Sean held up an Oreo cookie and Lesley said, "Stick it in my mouth." Nope, too far, Sean decreed. Game over.

He also said that he probably would have kept her around if she had said those three little words. A bit of a double-standard, doncha think? He gets to keep his cards close to his vest but the woman has to show hers? If he couldn't tell how into him she was, he's clueless.

There was lots of anticipation for the Tierrable segment, but it turned out they played anything of significance in the endless teasers they ran leading up to it. Sean felt duped; he said she never should have gone on the show because she's not suited for it and can't get along with her peers; and he wishes he'd have kept Jackie in that fateful 2-on-1 date. That's about it.

What else did we learn? The 50 Shades of Grey girl was drunk. Catherine is "very flexible." Daniella does a mean Chris Harrison impression. To repeat: Catherine is very flexible.

On the prying by Harrison about the upcoming fantasy suite overnight dates about his chance to "be physical," Sean said, "I say it's really none of your business." A true gentleman. And virgin.

The closing scene was of Sean taking a shower. In slo-mo. With waka-waka-waka porn music accompanying. No payoff. Just pure, unadulterated cheesecake. I'm sure the shower was ice cold.