Bachelor Sean: Warm hands, cold heart

Back at it. No rest for the stupid. Two shows this week means two (late) blog entries. And by all means, don't leave me hanging here all by my lonesome. I'd love to hear from you. For example, is there anyone out there sympathetic to Tierrable? Did Sean send home the right girls? Is two episodes in two nights too much? Who's your favourite? Who's over-rated? Got any more good nicknames? You know, stuff like that.

Brrr

Tonight's show took place at Lake Louise in Alberta, Canada. I do believe I've stayed at the very hotel featured on the episode. Jealous? I've never canoed the lake, though. And despite it being an annual tradition in my city, too, I've never partaken in the Polar Bear Plunge. And never will. Selma and I have so much in common. Plus I've never kissed on national TV, either.

Chris Harrison welcomed the girls to "one of the most beautiful, most romantic places in..." wait for it... "all the Canadian Rockies!" That right there is what's known as your classic backhanded compliment. I was expecting "all the world" but figured he'd say "all of Canada." It wasn't even "all the Rockies". He went with the smaller section of the Rockies that extend north of the border. I didn't see that one coming. You got me, Harrison. Basically, he said nothing at all. He may as well have said, "Welcome to this place, located right here. It's the best place in all of this place."

The first date went to Catherine. Sean was looking for his fairy tale ending. Not sure how the date played into that date card, but whatever. Catherine stood out in the middle of the frozen landscape, wind whistling, snow blowing in her face. Over the hill comes a giant snow bus, driven by Sean. The vehicle looked invincible but I still wouldn't be comfortable with the Texan at the wheel. But they survived.

They were getting pelted with snowflakes, and it hurt, but Catherine said, "I never get cold when I'm with him." They frolicked in the white stuff, doing handstands and making snow angels. "This is what I want from a wife," said Sean. He picked her up and gave her a big bear hug then fell on top of her. I guess he also wants a wife who can cushion his fall.

At night they ride a horse-drawn carriage to an ice castle. Oh, now I get it. That's the fairy tale. I'm a bit slow but cut me some slack. This gruelling two-a-week schedule is getting to me. Inside the ice structure was a couch and a fire. I don't know a lot about ice castles but I wouldn't think fire would be its friend. Nor television lights. What do I know? I didn't notice any drips on our couple.

Sean told Catherine, "Sometimes it just clicks, and it clicks with you." Catherine then wanted Sean to know why she is the way she is. And I thought, "How is she, exactly?" Did she mean there's a reason why she's so bubbly and good-natured? "I hope he takes it well," she said.

It was a pretty traumatic experience I don't need to repeat here. But the life lesson learned was that things can be taken away from you very quickly. Sean didn't seem to have an appropriate response to her sad story. He just gave her the patented Sean stare and smile. He found her intelligent, funny and sexy. Not the time, Sean, not the time.

Catherine's heart

But Catherine is totally crazy about Sean, so it's all good. For his part, he says, "I can see myself with Catherine." The fire may not have melted the castle, but Catherine melted his heart.

We've known for weeks there'd be drama on the group date. But it started out well. They canoed across Lake Louise, not a tiny lake by any stretch. And after last night's canoeing attempts, I'm surprised they'd go on such an adventure this time. But they made it to the other side.

Lesley jumped at the chance to ride solo with Sean, which got some of the gals jealous. Selma, not fully understanding the difference between bodies of water, said she wanted a shark to come out of the lake and eat their boat. Then she gave the most wonderful, most awesome pathetic laugh I've ever heard. It's like she immediately realized how unfunny her joke was as soon as she started laughing and had to put the brakes on it. Words can't do it justice.

On the other side, Sean told them about the Polar Bear Plunge and introduced them to an EMT team. Yeah, that'll instill confidence. All I could think was: Worst. Date. Ever.

The girls thought so, too. There was no hot tub to get into right away, just a robe. Selma wouldn't do it. "I'm from Baghdad," she said. "We are warm weather people." AshLee didn't want to do it, either because it would make her emotionally vulnerable... Or even more emotionally vulnerable than she already is.

But they all jumped in, except Selma. Lesley was excited, Sarah said it was amazing and felt incredible and that she'd do it again. Daniella said it was the best experience ever. And even AshLee was proud of herself for doing something she didn't want to do. And she didn't even mention her childhood once.

"I miss time with him!"

Meanwhile, Tierrable jumped right back onto Tierra Firma and couldn't breathe. Or that's what she claimed. We're never really sure with her, are we? They carted her off to a van and asked her if she knew the date. "Nuh-uh," she said. I'm not sure she'd know the date at the best of times, though. She looked like Tammy Faye Baker-meets-Heath Ledger with her mascara running down her cheeks. At one point she looked up to the camera and rasped out, "I miss time with him." But it wasn't clear if she was just mugging for the camera. I got the sense she was joking.

I'm also unclear on how she got back to the hotel. We saw from the vantage point of the girls' balcony the EMT people carrying her, but that was on the near side of the lake from where it all went down. Did she have to come back in a canoe in her condition? We saw everyone else come back the same way they got there.

Catherine and Desiree were horrified to witness the tragedy from their balcony. They went down to the lobby to find it was Tierra, and she looked ghastly. Overacting just a little bit, but ghastly nonetheless. Catherine wondered how horrible it must have been for the others, too. Cut to: Sarah, Daniella and Lesley whooping it up in the hallway of the hotel. Everyone else thought it was an amazing experience.

Sean visited the patient, and she perked up immediately with a radiant smile and vibrant laugh. She said, somewhat revealingly, "After I came back here and I had a wheelchair, I was like, 'This guy better marry me!'" Hahahahaha! Then added, "Just kidding." Sean's response was perfect: "No, you're not." He said, "You keep managing to find ways to get one-on-one time with me." Oh, yes she does. Stalkers are crafty that way. But it's as if nothing registers with the guy. Intellectually he knows what's up, but he just can't quit her. Well, at least not until he watches the series. When he left the room, she laid there with a smug, self-satisfied smile.

So with Tierrable safely back in her room, the rest of the group date got a guaranteed drama-free night out with Sean. Right? Come on.

Lesley's conversation with Sean was oddly sincere. I say oddly because she's such a confident speaker who sounds like the politician she'll probably wind up being, but at the same time I believe her. Maybe I just want to believe her when she says, "I love love."

Sarah whipped out some old snapshots of herself as a kid and her family to share with Sean. He called it a "reality check" but I don't know why. Maybe he thought she was just an apparition. Or that she came into the world as a fully grown woman.

Tierrable's makeup kit

Meanwhile, we see Tierra back in her room rise up off her deathbed and apply makeup. Oh yes she was! She got all gussied up and even put heels on her frozen feet because "beauty is painful." She was going to that party come hell or freezing water.

So the girls are sitting around gossiping about Tierrable when guess who walks in the door? Yup. Lesley said, "I don't know what she's done throughout her life to be so good at this, but she is a professional at getting attention." She also said T should teach a class called How to Fake an Injury 101. And then came up with another great nickname for her: "Everybody watch your back, we have a Tierrorist on our hands." This is why we have to keep watching this season: If we don't, then the Tierrorist will win.

When Sean enters the room, Tierrable the Tierrorist's face lights up. He whisks her away to another room. Despite her hypothermia, Sean notes, "Oh my gosh, your hands are so warm." True, Tierra concedes, but "my body is so cold." Nothing phases her.

What started out as honest concern for her has turned into scoffing skepticism. Lindsay pieces it all together, noting that they all jumped in the water at the same time and she wasn't in any longer than anyone else. She concludes, "Hands down, Tierra's faking it."

But the clueless Sean keeps feeding the troll. He asks Tierrable, "If we were to fall in love, would you want a proposal at the end of this?" Stalkers don't understand hypotheticals. Tierrable said, "Wow!" In her mind, Sean just proposed. She blathered on a bit, never really answering the question. I think it was a 'Yes', though.

So when it came time for Sean to hand out the rose, you knew Tierrable would get it. She was the damsel in distress thanks to the horrible idea Sean had. Plus he just proposed to her. Sean mentioned her in his little headfake of a speech, but then he deked everyone out and handed it over to Lesley, saying she embraced the day and he had turned a corner with her. Good move, if only to see the look on Tierrable's face.

Then came the hard part. He didn't see a 'forever' with Sarah so he felt the need to let her go then and there. Was there any need for that? Why single her out? He was going to send home two others at the rose ceremony so he presumably didn't see a 'forever' with them, either. If I were a contestant, I'd much rather go with the others at a rose ceremony. Plus, you'd get some free drinks. I saw no reason for him to send her home ahead of the others.

He sat her down and told her that lately he's been trying to force a connection that just wasn't there. Sarah half-smiled throughout the breakup then said, "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't totally hurt and surprised and caught off guard." She started to break but kept it together pretty well. Sean said they "didn't click but you are one of the most incredible girls I've ever met." She replied, "That's the way love goes. It's totally okay."

But it wasn't totally okay. She's heard that line once too often. She felt blindsided and embarrassed, but more than that, felt like she was in a rewind. "I wanted to stop him before he started because I knew what he was going to say before he started." She said "it's always the same – 'You're an amazing girl; I know how special you are and I want to connect with you so bad but I don't. And someone is going to be so lucky to have you and I don't want to put you through this.' It's not the first time."

The last date went to Desiree. And the show borrowed again from Bachelor Canada with the two rappelling down a 400-foot rock mountain. She whined for the first quarter of the descent but then got back to her usual bright smile. At the bottom they had a picnic in a meadow. The segment started off with some (possibly stock) footage of bears in the wilderness so all I could think about was them being mauled. Then again, I'm a bit of a coward. I think wilderness is awesome in theory; not so much in practice. I don't mind driving through it but sitting in a field eating food with bears nearby isn't my idea of a stress-free experience.

To make matters worse, they then go for a stroll deep in the woods. Des says, "I hope there isn't any bears." Of course there are bears, you silly child! Run for your lives! And make lots of noise. So now you see where I'm at. Forget rappelling, that could have been the scary portion of the date right there for me: a simple walk in the woods.

A Canadian mansion

Then they happen upon a humongous tepee. Oh no, this is a set-up. It's probably a trap set by an evil woman who lives in the forest. There's a nice warm fire inside luring them in. But it was all good. My only concern here is that Americans will watch this episode and conclude that it was just a typical luxurious Canadian home.

Turns out it was almost home for Desiree. Inside the giant tent, she revealed her humble beginnings. She and her family lived in tents for months at a time when they weren't living in trailer parks. It's why she's so humble, she thinks. My first thought: I definitely want her on a hometown visit. It seems everyone lives in gorgeous properties. I want to see Sean invited into a trailer or tent with maybe Spam as the main course.

It didn't turn off Sean. He gave her the rose. "I could see myself proposing to Desiree, I really could," he said.

At the cocktail party, some of the girls were standing around talking about the Human Drama, Tierra. Selma had the line of the night: "Let's be honest: You're gonna wife that?!" Never heard 'wife' as a verb before, but she made it happen.

Selma felt it was her time to make a move. She bailed on the Polar Bear Plunge and had earlier bailed on a kiss because of her culture. The Baghdad beauty said "to kiss someone on national television is a huge shame to my family, but Mama, please forgive me!" That's a very specific taboo, and probably not one written down in any historical religious artifact: "Thou shalt not kiss anyone on national TV."

Anyway, she broke with tradition and planted one on Sean. A tasteful and relatively quick one. No tongue. No movement, in fact. She instructed Sean to hold still. It must have been hard for Sean (yes, I see the pun I just inadvertently wrote but I'm sticking with it) because she was smoking hot. It may be winter but Selma was busting out all over. When she said the kiss was "necessary" so she "had to bring out the big guns tonight," I don't think she was referring to her girls, but she may as well have been.

Lindsay, she of the not so subtle kissing, made a vow to herself not to waste all her precious time with Sean ramming her tongue down his throat. So they tried their best sitting an inch apart from each other. Sean asked her to tell him something about herself he didn't know: "I sleep naked," she said. "I respect that," he responded. "The girls aren't as accepting of it," she laughed. And they succumbed, unable to keep their lips off each other.

AshLee, meanwhile, was reliving her childhood. Again. She is one serious and emotional person. Beautiful, granted, and a solid person, but methinks she might be a bit of a handful on a day-to-day basis. Everything is a metaphor for her, from jumping in the lake to the scarf she brought him to blindfold her with (nothing kinky, she just doesn't like the unknown or feeling vulnerable so had to test herself). She topped it off with another metaphor: "I feel like I pushed a mountain out of my life and Sean stood on the other side." So deep.

Only three roses would be handed out. With Sarah already exited, two more would join her in ignominy. The roses went in order to:

1. Lindsay the naked sleeper
2. AshLee the walking metaphor
3. Tierrable the Tierrorist

Goodbye to Selma the Baghdad Beauty. So much shame and dishonour to the family all for naught. She left "with heartbreak and a memory." I desperately wanted her around for the hometown visits just to meet her disapproving family. Also gone is Daniella, who was in complete shock even though she never got a one-on-one date. "I'm keeping a straight face," she said while not keeping a straight face, "but I'm hurt... I'm over having a broken heart."

Next week they're off to warmer climes: the Virgin Islands. And hopefully only one episode.