Bachelorette Desiree: Not a lot to choose from

What, you thought I'd forsake you? You thought I'd skip one of the cutest Bachelorettes of all time? You thought I'd miss the joy of watching multiple dudes meeting her brother? Absolutely not! I'm back.

First episodes of any season are always a bit of a mess. We don't know who anybody is and future weirdos look normal at this stage and vice versa, so what's the point of writing about them?

This season's bachelors

I will say that this group of guys is the weakest group I've ever seen. There isn't one who looks like a favourite, let alone one that I could see living happily ever after with Des. I saw on their the show's  endless and disruptive Twitter feed that some people think these guys are the hottest hunks ever. Maybe so, but personality-wise, they're duds. So far, anyway.

So I don't have much to write about. Of the 25 contestants, I only sort of liked a few of them: Will, the high-fiving black yoga enthusiast, Drew, with the alcoholic dad and severely mentally handicapped sibling (so they have that in common anyway); Brooks, whose looks won't keep him around until the end but seems like a decent and normal guy; Dan, who I've completely forgotten about; and Ben, who used his son as a prop to stick around.

#soright

Of the others, I couldn't stand Kasey, a social media guru, who hasn't figured out that hashtags are last year's news. Every time he opened his mouth, he uttered another stupid slogan preceded by a verbal hashtag. Hashtags are bad enough on Twitter. They're pointless on Facebook. And uttering them is utterly moronic. #makehimstop

Jonathan, a lawyer, thought it would be funny to invite Des to his own special fantasy suite, but Des let him know in no uncertain terms she's not that kind of girl.

Jonathan has so much to give

Presumably that means a girl with a sense of humour. What did she think he was going to do with a cameraman and producer standing in there with them? Okay, granted he did say his goal was to "kiss her on the mouth." And said that his "love tank has not been depleted for years." How could she refuse such a romantic wordsmith? He pushed it so far even after being rebuffed, leading her to the door of his lair that she gave him the old heave-ho right then and there, his love tank spilling over as he slunk off.

Mikey the plumber doesn't have a moustache and is stockier, but he reminds me of Tom Selleck. Just me?

Zak wore no shirt coming out of the limo, nor throughout the whole night, because he's in love with his own abs, which serve to distract Des from noticing he's got nothing else to offer. Inexplicably she rewards him with a rose for taking off his pants and jumping in the pool. Which may go to prove my point that there's not a lot to choose from this season.

Diogo, who apparently was told it was Halloween, exited the limo wearing a knight costume. If the guy were a cocky blowhard, it would be so much easier to ridicule him. But he was a sweet, shy man who was obviously given some very bad advice.

This one was better than Nick's

Nick M. drew the short straw from the producers and had to quickly scrawl down a horrible rhyming verse to read to her upon introduction. Luckily for him, Des said, "Thank you! I love poetry!" Which loosely translates to, "Please go away now."

I don't like the precedent Sean set by handing out roses willy-nilly instead of waiting for the ceremony. But Chris Harrison gave her that option so the snipped flowers were sitting there on a tray for all to see and fret over. I was hoping Desiree wouldn't exercise her right. What's to gain by handing out the roses early? If the person stays normal all night, they'll get one in due course. But handing one out early could lead to a disastrous results if the person goes on to get his freak on... Oh, wait, not I get why the producers like this option. I'm slow but I eventually clue in.

Brandon, the adrenaline junkie who arrived on a motorbike, gave Desiree a coin his mother gave him when she got sober seven years ago. But not to keep. Des had to promise to return it at the hometown visit, putting his wish cart before the reality horse.

Dr. Larry in 20 years

Oh, I forgot about the creepy doctor, Larry, who was obsessively taking off and putting back on his spectacles. And when he was wearing them, he'd peer over the top of his them like John Houseman in Paper Chase. The guy actually seemed to possess a self-deprecating sense of humour when he was with the others, but once alone with Des he came off as quietly disturbing. If I didn't know he was an ER doctor, I would have guessed gynaecology or podiatry.

One other problem with handing out premature roses is it becomes next to impossible to keep track of who's staying and who's going, since they don't show all of them. I know that Ben, Zak, Bryden, and Drew each got one prior to the ceremony. That's four. And at the ceremony, she handed out 13 more, for a total of 17. We saw three exit interviews, bringing our total to 20. Add fantasy suite Jonathan and we're up to 21. But we started with 25 guys so I don't know everyone who's left and I don't care enough to go Bing it. We'll just catch up next week. Meanwhile, here are the 13 winners:

1. Brandon, the adrenaline junkie
2. Zack K, the book publisher in sneakers
3. Will, the high-fiving black dude
4. Brooks
5. Juan Pablo, the South American former soccer pro
6. Brad, who carries around a chicken wishbone
7. Kasey, #baddecision
8. James, the intense big guy who wants to grow old and fat
9. Robert, the sign spinning entrepreneur
10. Brian, who wore a blue velvet jacket and jeans because he wears a suit and tie every day for work
11. Dan
12. Chris, the Seattleite who got down on one knee and asked Des for permission to tie up his shoelace
13. Mikey, the dimpled plumber

We saw Dr. Larry, Nick the magical suit maker, and Diogo the knight in dull armor leaving the mansion with their proverbial tails between their actual legs.

As for Michael, who searched for a penny in the fountain, Mike R, in the white lab coat, Micah, who designed his own patchwork clothing, and the horrible poet Nick M, I'll have to wait until next week to see which are still around. Or you could always tell me in the comments section! There's an idea.