Farmer Chris: Kissing the shark

And away we go. I read a tweet from Jillian Harris (aka the Greatest Bachelorette) on Saturday saying she'd watched tonight's episode already. She said:

Jillian Harris ‏@jillianharris  Jan 17

Watching Monday's The Bachelor episode a little early.... And it's ahhmaaazzziggggg 2 minutes in and we're laughing our asses off!!!

Membership clearly has its privileges. Anyway, this must have something to do with Jimmy Kimmel. I smell shark! Let's see if they jump it.

Well, the opening montage doesn't give me hope. But I'll keep an open mind.

Here's Chris snoring away. My wife says, "That's attractive." And she would know. She's never heard such noises in her life. A limo pulls up. Horror music plays. There's no surprise here since we saw it last week and a minute ago in the montage. Jimmy Kimmel wakes Chris up. He asks Chris if he's naked, tells him they're going to start "an amazing journey" together. Already making fun of the show.

Harrison introduces Kimmel to the women. I think they're more in love with Kimmel than Chris. Jimmy calls them "sister-wives." He says he will help Chris make his decision by making love to each and every one of them. He requests that they give 110%.

Kimmel brings out a large container he calls the "amazing jar." Every time one of them says "amazing" they have to put a dollar in the jar. He says they should be able to buy the house by the end of the show and they can all live there together.

Kimmel leaves a date card. It's for Vancouver Girl, who pretends she's just as interested in Chris as she is Kimmel.

Where are they off to? The limo pulls up to Costco. Oh, the hijinx. That Kimmel sure is a jester, isn't he?

Kimmel says it's the kind of thing real couples do all the time. He's got a point there. Chris makes a good point, too, though, that it's a real weekend-type thing couples do but it's not a date. Regardless, Kimmel gives them a shopping list and says he's coming to dinner. One of the items on said list is enough ketchup to fill a hot tub. Isn't that hilarious?! If you answered not really, you are correct.

Vancouver Girl says she loves how normal the date was. So does this mean it's not unusual for her to buy cases and cases of Heinz 57? They prepare dinner then sip some bourbon and kiss. He tells her she has a man's laugh and she says he has a girl's laugh. I hadn't picked up on that before but it's totally true. Then they kiss some more and Chris says he hopes Jimmy doesn't show up. That makes two of us.

Speak of the devil, here's Kimmel. He walks in as they're kissing. He brings a house-warming gift of steak. Chris puts them on the barbecue. Chris giggles some more at every one of Kimmel's witticisms. Vancouver Girl (VG) says she's dated a farmer before. But Chris has never dated a Canadian before.

Kimmel tells us he's a lubricant. He loves asking tough questions, saying he specializes in making people uncomfortable. Kimmel says he assumes there's love-making in the fantasy suite and VG says, "I think that is to be assumed." Chris socks that piece of info away to be used at a later date. Kimmel paints a scenario of VG winning the whole thing and then finding out Chris had sex with the two other fantasy suite participants. VG says she wouldn't be jealous if he makes love to the other two women because you don't buy a car without taking it for a test drive. Chris is furiously taking mental notes.

Kimmel recommends Chris have sex with as many of the women as he can. Chris giggles. VG cackles. Kimmel should have been on Sean's season.

Jimmy picks up the rose and moves things along. Chris starts in on his awkward speech and Kimmel interrupts to say it's terrible. She accepts the rose and they embrace over Jimmy. He busts Chris' balls saying he has a real way with words, asking, "Do you have people on the farm or just animals?" Okay, that was pretty funny.

Chris likes VG because she's "real." They kiss in the hot tub. Whoa, that was almost ten seconds without a joke, so we pull back to see Kimmel sitting in a corner of the tub eating chicken wings watching the couple smooch.

The hot tub, by the way, is filled with water, not ketchup.

Back at the house, we see Jillian, the Princess Warrior, working out. Kelsey says Jillian works out all day. Again with the censoring rectangle over Jillian's allegedly hairy butt. How rude.

The group date is the "hoe-down throw-down." There's corn-shucking, an egg find in a chicken pen, cracking the egg without breaking it, goat milking, drinking it, shovelling manure, and wrestling a greased pig. This is more like Fear Factor.

Stop with the rectangle, already! It's not that I want to see Jillian's ass but I just can't believe it's rectangle-worthy. Maybe it's all Kimmel's doing. He has a regular segment on his show called 'This Week in Unnecessary Censorship.'

Amber the Bartender didn't get to drink the goat milk. She's glad because someone described it as salty and warm, and Amber said that's not something she likes in her mouth. Duly noted. We'll see if she sticks around.

Carly the Crooner is victorious. And to the winner go the spoils. She is awarded the blue ribbon and she and Chris get to recreate the famous painting American Gothic putting on costumes and standing in front of a canvas backdrop. She probably couldn't believe she had to guzzle something salty and warm and shovel manure for the chance to take a photo.

There was no alone time but Carly grabbed Chris immediately when they got to the evening portion. She told him he's a man and she's a woman so wanted to take advantage of it. Boom. She grabs him and they kiss. She says Chris is a really good kisser. Impressive for a guy with no lips.

Then there's a succession of women kissing him, and vice versa. Mama Mackenzie, the first girl to be kissed last week, all of a sudden doesn't feel so special. But Chris is there to find a wife, he reminds us. He tells Mackenzie it's not right if he's not himself. Presumably the real Chris kisses indiscriminately. So take that for what it's worth.

Becca gives an overly sincere speech and they end up hugging. She tells him she wants to kiss him. I thought for sure they would, but it didn't happen. Not sure why but it appeared to be her choice. Maybe she didn't want to get herpes.

I like the subtle ding in the background every time someone says 'amazing.' Chris picks up the elephant dressed as a rose and out of all the women he's locked lips with, he gives it to the one he hasn't: Becca. She gets another hug. So much for those free-wheeling kissers. I guess it's true: absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Whitney gets the next date. She's the fertility nurse with the cartoon voice. She's a take-control kinda gal. They sit out in the country sipping wine and eating cheese. Chris tells her he likes a woman who can talk. He hit the jackpot with this one. They see a wedding behind them and she convinces him to crash it with her. He giggles.

Worst case scenario, Chris says, is that they end up in jail. For crashing a public wedding. Laws must be tough in Iowa.

They change into formal attire, get a gift and set off to crash the wedding. It's dark out now but the wedding is still going on. They say there can't be cameras following them if they're going to crash a wedding. But somehow we're seeing footage. He says the producers are shooting with their cell phones. That's pretty good audio pickup for a cell phone.

If Chris takes anything away from this it's that Cartoon Whitney is a world-class liar. I think you'll agree, that's a great quality to have in a wife.

She thought the whole night was amazing. Ding. Chris thought she was so 'frickin' amazing.' Ding again. And a couple more dings for good measure.

Chris can "absolutely imagine Whitney being my wife." He runs off to get the rose. He tells her she made his day. This is happening out in the field. After their lies at the party about being engaged, I hope no one at the wedding witnessed it.

Where was Jimmy Kimmel in all of this?

Chris is doing crunches on his deck, trying to lose that gut of his. Now he's showering. Oh, here's Jimmy in the shower next to him. They're giving each other back rubs. So sensual.

Kimmel tells the girls there will be no cocktail party. Instead, they're going to have a pool party. He takes the amazing jar money, says he'll use it to get his body waxed. Free 'amazings' for everyone at the party!

Nothing more fun than a pool party, right? So what better time to tell Chris all about your husband's suicide? Juelia tearfully tells Chris how the father of her baby came home from work and told her he'd written a suicide note that day. He snapped, grabbing a gun, and she started screaming. She took the baby and left because she was scared. The next day he killed himself. She collapses in Chris' arms as she was recounting the horrible day. Suffice it to say the pool party was ruined. As tragic as it was, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if someone had come and interrupted them and asked to steal him away in the middle of it?

Britt gets Chris talking but only so she can stop him with her lips mid-sentence. They start smooching. Apparently she gives out free kisses as well as free hugs.

Next is Jade, the Naked Cosmetics Developer (did everyone do their Google homework last week?) who invites herself over to his place. Jillian goes to wait for Chris in his hot tub. Her rectangle follows behind. She doesn't know Chris is inside with a Playboy model. Chris and the Bunny test out his bed by jumping on. She's wearing high heels with her bikini, like all good Playboy Bunnies do. Porn music plays as they embrace and kiss in the bed. Once done, they walk out and Jillian, the Princess Warrior, is sitting there in the hot tub. We get glimpses of her ass sans rectangle. Nothing to see here.

The Princess Warrior and Chris kiss while some of the others peek through the bushes. Mama Mackenzie, Megan and the Sexy Virgin join them. The Virgin tries to be fair and let everyone get some alone time, but Xena will have none of it, which upsets the Sexy Virgin, who runs off. Thankfully, the rectangle doesn't follow her, if you get my drift. She's quite fetching.

Chris comes looking for the Virgin. Still wearing her bikini, she takes him upstairs. He gets to follow, if you get my drift again. But she can't stop blubbering about Xena. She eventually does stop, though, and they make out on the balcony. She's quite aggressive for a virgin. Or maybe because she's a virgin.

Before the rose ceremony, Kimmel gives him Chris a pep talk: "Whatever you do, don't be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches." Well said.

So he gets out there before the women and says, "Jade... I mean Jimmy did an incredible job of screwing up all the dates." How does he mix those two up? He's got Playboy on the brain, that boy.

Roses have already gone to Vancouver Girl, the non-kissing Becca, and Cartoon Whitney. There are 12 more up for grabs. They go in order to:

1. Jade, the Naked Cosmetics Developer
2. Samantha, the fashion designer
3. Sad Juelia
4. Mama Mackenzie
5. Kelsey, the delight
6. Britt, the free hugger
7. Megan, aka Blondie
8. Carly, the Crooner
9. Crazy Ashley
10. Nikki, the former NFL cheerleader
11. Xena... er, Jillian, Princess Warrior
12. The Sexy Virgin

That means three are leaving us. They're really dragging this thing out, aren't they? Trina, the special ed teacher, Tracy, the grade 4 teacher, and Amber, the bartender who doesn't like warm and salty liquids down her throat, all said their goodbyes. So did Jimmy. And we saw him go off in a limo fake-bawling that he was there for four whole days and had to be sent home. Will anyone take this show seriously anymore? Then again, did anyone ever take it seriously?

Did the show jump the shark this week with Kimmel? Jury's out. But Chris would definitely have kissed a shark if one were there. Man, that was a whole lotta canoodling going on.

In the brief upcoming highlights, someone says there are two virgins in the mansion. Pretty sure Vancouver Girl isn't one of them. And I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Jade isn't, as well. That's all I gleaned from that.

ADDENDUM: I wasn't clear on my Jimmy Kimmel thoughts. I like the guy. Always have. And he was funny on The Bachelor. I'm all for snark. I just don't think the show should be a part of it. Yes, we all realize it's ridiculous, but if they come right out and admit it themselves, it becomes a parody of itself. What it does is potentially loses the viewers who truly believe in the hokiness of the show and potentially loses the viewers who watch it to make fun of it because it's hard to make fun of something that's making fun of itself.