Britt & Kaitlyn: Kaitlyn or Britt?

So we meet again. Are we really going to go through with this again? With two Bachelorettes yet? This is by far the stupidest and gimmickiest idea in the history of the franchise, but we'll give it a fair chance. I'm going to be writing as I watch because otherwise it takes just too much time. So keep that in mind as you're reading.

If memory serves, it's the Dirty Hippy and Vancouver Girl, womano-à-womano. At least for the first episode. I'll have to come up with new nicknames for them. The Dirty Hippy doesn't seem so dirty to me. That came about last season with the revelation that she doesn't like to wash her hair and sleeps with make-up on. Doesn't even make much sense on reflection. Hippies don't wear makeup, do they?And Vancouver Girl is just too generic a moniker. Even though she's my homey, I haven't really warmed to her. Again, though, they're both getting a fair chance from me because I didn't detest either one of them last season. And if that's not a ringing endorsement from me, I don't know what is.

Let's get to it.

Turns out it's a two-night premiere. Oh joy. I'm praying the next episode is not for a week but knowing ABC, they'll shove it down our throats tomorrow. It's historic, though!

Here's Chris Harrison. Is it true he's dating the vile Andi? Doubtful. He knows better than that. Okay, that was an aside. Back to the show: He's blathering on more earnestly than ever. He's really trying hard to sell this farce of a season. Trying too hard, methinks.

The women's names are Britt and Kaitlyn. I'm guessing at the spelling because Kaitlyn because it rings a bell but I also know it can probably be spelled fourteen different ways. She's the Canadian; Britt is the Hollywood waitress. They're trying to paint the two as polar opposites. I see them as pretty similar even though Vancouver Girl just said "we're so different." The only difference I see is jokes vs sincerity. Each one is weighted to one or the other, but they both have the other trait in their makeup.

The two limos parade down the highway. VG's nerves are out of control and DH is prepared to meet her husband. First we get some glimpses into a handful of the guys:

Jonathan from Detroit seems cool. He's got a 5-year-old son. He's partial to Britt.

Joe from Kentucky speaks with a southern accent. He's a little bit country. Or a lot bit, judging from the fields and horses. He's partial to Kaitlyn. 

Josh is from Chicago and recently graduated from law school. He's covered in tattoos and works as a fireman. Or a stripper, actually, who dresses as a fireman. 

Brady is from Nashville and is a singer of sorts. He's always had melodies inside of him. Plays the guitar and piano. He's partial to Britt. Her charisma is contagious. Hopefully nothing else is contagious. 

Joshua is a welder from Idaho. Another tiny town denizen like Chris. Partial to Kaitlyn. 

Ian is from Venice Beach. Ran track out of Princeton. Then he was hit by a car and left for dead. He was told he couldn't run again. Cut to him running down the beach. He's partial to Kaitlyn, "no ifs, ands or buts."

Jared from Rhode Island. He's a restaurant manager. Considers himself Love-Man, a super-hero. He's partial to Kaitlyn. 

Tony a healer from St. Louis. We see him in a variety of yoga poses. He's always been sensitive and anti-social. Loves to talk to his plants. Actually said, 'I love you' to one of them. I'd say he's perfect for the dirty hippy. He didn't say who he prefers because I think it's obvious. 

Ben is an personal trainer from San Jose. Was a football player who had a tryout in the NFL. His mom passed away when he was 14. Both would be a perfect match for him, he says. Fence-sitter.

Man, Harrison is being sickeningly sincere. He seems off. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe he thinks the whole thing is ridiculous, too.

The men have the power tonight, we're told, because they'll vote on which woman gets to stay the season as the Bachelorette. Britt is radiant; Kaitlyn is too nervous for how stupid this is.

First guy out of the limo is Ben H. He greets Kaitlyn first but talks more to Britt. He seems nice.

Jonathan greets Britt first. He already told us he was partial to Britt. She digs him, too.

Clint says, "Ladies" unironically. He greets Britt first. Kaitlyn is feeling awkward.

Ryan B. greets Britt first again.

Jared greets Britt first. Once again Kaitlyn tells us she's extremely nervous. Enough already. Jared opens his shirt to reveal his L. Not for Loser, even though that would also fit. Love-Man, remember.

Kupah goes to Britt, too. I'm sure they're editing out the interactions with Kaitlyn for dramatic effect.

Next limo:

Brady the singer-songwriter goes to Britt first. Big hug. He tells her she's beautiful on the outside and inside as Kaitlyn listens on.

Cory goes to Kaitlyn first. Quick hug then on to Britt.

Ian goes to Kaitlyn and is the first to whispers to her he was there for her. The tides have turned perhaps.

JJ is a former investment banker. Former. What does that mean? What is he now? Anyway, he goes to Kaitlyn first. He takes a puck out of his pocket and tells her he would love to puck her. You know the randy Kaitlyn just loved that.

Ryan M is a junkyard specialist from Kansas City. Specialist? He greets them both with, "Honeys, I'm home!" with his arms outstretched. Goes to Kaitlyn first. Tells us he came because he was obsessed with her.

Bradley wears a headband and has a tennis racket for no apparent reason. He's an "international auto shipper."

Daniel comes out dancing and goes to Kaitlyn.

Josh the exotic dancer loosens his tie and heads to Britt, then quickly to Kaitlyn. He opens his shirt and swivels his hips suggestively. Kaitlyn isn't interested. Turns out she's got some taste after all.

Joe is an insurance agent. He's the guy from Kentucky we met earlier. Brings a jar of XXX moonshine and gives it to Kaitlyn. She takes a swig.

Justin takes a whiff of helium and gives a bunch of balloons to Kaitlyn. Things are moving fast.

Tanner brings a gift to Britt. A package of tissues in case she gets weepy again. Ouch!

Shawn B. is another personal trainer. He calls for a group hug. That's the way to do it. But then he swings Britt around in the air like she's the one. But he tells Kaitlyn she's the reason he's there. Britt really likes him. Or liked him.

Kaitlyn takes a moment to run inside the house. Britt feels it's cheating a bit. I don't disagree. At the best, it's gamesmanship. She just wanted to tell the guys there that they're killing it so you can see why it was so pressing.

Another limo:

David greets Kaitlyn first. That's about it.

Corey plays competitive beach volleyball. He says he's not a farmer but would still love to plow her field, he tells her, throwing the line she told Chris last season back at her. She loved it.

Tony the healer heads straight for Britt. Looks like he's got a shiner. He talked about the universe and that kind of mumbo jumbo. Britt was taken with it. Then he gives the exact same speech to Kaitlyn. Smooth. I don't think the girls will have to fight over him. His lack of humour will turn Kaitlyn off.

Ryan M, the junkyard specialist, seems to have imbibed a bit. At least that's what the guys say. We haven't seen him with a drink in his hand. Just being funny, as he was when he exited the limo.

A low-rider pulls up. It's a hottub car. Shawn E. is driving. He's an "amateur sex coach" from Canada. Yay Canada! Way to represent. Drunk Ryan steps out of the house to tell him the car sucks. It's filled with water. Shawn hops out half-drenched.

Next a giant carrot muffin pulls up. Or is it a cupcake? It's Chris, a dentist from Nashville, who makes some cheesy comment about sweets and being a dentist.

Joshua is ... gone already. Not from the show; just from the montage. They're flying through these last ones.

Ben Z. a fitness coach approaches Britt first. That's all I got.

And that's all the men. Now it's time for the ladies to get to know them.

The two women enter. Kaitlyn starts off with a "joke": Knock-knock. Who's there? Two bachelorettes. Two bachelorettes who? That's the joke – two bachelorettes. Wow.

Britt is more serious. She opens up emotionally, tells them she's there to meet a best friend or some such horseshit.

Hey, Kaitlyn is "really nervous." Who knew?!

The Healer says he came in wanting Kaitlyn. But now he's leaning toward Britt. Obviously he never watched last season because Britt is the obvious choice.

Chris Harrison informs all that the voting room is now open. Each guy will put a rose in a box corresponding to one of the two ladies. The Healer is the first to enter. He lets the vibrations from Britt's chest tell him to insert his rose in Britt.

This is all moving fast considering it's a two-part season premier. Something's up.

So now it's a mad scramble as Britt and Kaitlyn start speed dating through all the guys. This is problematic. They will be insincere to get votes, just like a politician. Kaitlyn goes so far as telling the moonshine guy that it made an impression on her for sure. I guess that's ambiguous enough that she can live with herself. There's plausible deniability if she gets the chance to send him home.

I guess it'll be interesting, too, once the decision is made since all the guys are talking about who they're voting for. So those who voted for the loser will no doubt be ratted out to the winner and they'll have to squirm their way back in the winner's good graces.

Ben H. asks Kaitlyn about her bird tattoos. She's glad he asked because she said Chris didn't ask once last season. She said they're the only birds that remember to fly home. That can't be right, but whatever. And that's something she relates to because she's lived in Germany and across Canada and is really close to her family so she always flies home. Hence tattoos on the back of her elbows. Makes sense.

Shawn, the amateur sex coach, pulls Drunk Ryan aside and asks him why he disrespected him when he pulled up in his car pool. Ryan didn't remember. I'm on the side of the drunk guy here. Especially when he said, "I didn't do anything. Besides being awesome."

Ryan takes Britt outside. JJ interupts them saying, "The bar says they have another drink for you." That's a low blow.

Then we see Drunk Ryan touching the sequins on Kaitlyn's dress. The ones located at the rear of her midsection. Kaitlyn says to the camera, not to Ryan, "Ryan, don't touch my ass again." Then he strips down to a Speed-o and gets in the pool. He slips but manages to keep his beer. Finally he knocked over a painting and almost something else. It's all a bit over the top.

Another fake tie

Some big burly guy walks in and summons Ryan, saying Harrison wants to speak to him. Harrison is waiting outside like the Godfather. He tells Ryan he's "clearly not here for" the girls or for the right reasons. There's a car waiting to take him away. Far, far away. Ryan says sorry. Maybe this was a set-up because now there's an even number of guys left. You know what that means – a fake tie vote. Wait. This wasn't "maybe" a set-up. This was for sure a set-up. They hired a guy to come in and be a boor so he could be eliminated, leading to an even number, and they could promise each woman an extra episode.

Now Chris walks in to the house to tell them all he just sent Ryan home. So why didn't he come in to get Ryan in the first place, preferring on sending in a henchman? One of the guys says Chris made the right decision. I love how they still pretend Chris Harrison has any say over anything on this show. The credits list him as a host only.

One of the Shawns has a pretty good sense of humour. Not the amateur sex therapist. When Kaitlyn says she has a nephew and niece, personal trainer Shawn tells her his nephew and niece have the exact same names. Totally dry. Then when he pulls out a scribble his nephew made for Kaitlyn, he says stone-faced that it's a spitting image. Kaitlyn digs him and he reminds us again he's there for her.

Harrison says he's going to go tally the votes. See, he's a lowly vote-counter. Decision-makers don't do such tasks. Kaitlyn feels sick to her stomach but she needn't be. She says it's the "frickin' craziest moment" of her life. She says her husband is in that room. If she goes home, it'll be the worst thing in the world. Yes, worse than cancer, apparently. But she needn't fret. It's going to be a tie. Mark my words.

How long does it take to count 24 roses?

Harrison walks downstairs to give the news. But we'll have to wait until tomorrow night (bastards!) to find out it's a tie. So I guess we've got to meet back here in 24 hours.

By my count (I quickly went back and fast-forwarded through all the votes they showed) and it was 5-5. So far I'm right. We'll see tomorrow night.