Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Surface-level smackdown

Yo, peeps. How's everyone doing? Thanks to Barbara for trying to get more comments in the comments section. It didn't work, but don't let that stop you, Barb! One is better than none. Maybe I should be promoting this more on Twitter. Nah! It's like an exclusive party here. (Although if you want to follow me on Twitter, we're @BachelorBlogger. If you tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and so on, that's six new followers and maybe a few more comments.)

I feel like the guy from Memento every time I sit down to watch. I have no memory of what happened the week before. Only my blog acts as the tattoos. I have to go back and read it to get back into the swing. I don't even recognize half the guys.

But I do recognize Nick! He's back. He enters the quiet room of guys and acts like he's been there all along. The other guys don't act like that, though. They grill him. They're seated like Nick is at a press conference. Tissue Tanner asks if he's chasing his 16th minute of fame. Burn! Not sure what the answer was. The guy says it seems odd that he hung out with Kaitlyn a month ago and it didn't work out but he's here now.

Joshua has a problem with Nick calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick" rather than an "awesome woman." Nick says she's both. Got him on a technicality.

Everyone's sulking. They sit in stony silence facing him. He just hopes they can respect why he's there. I don't respect why any of them are there so I'm not singling out Nick.

The group date goes to Shea Stadium. They called it Citi Field, home of the Mets, but I've always known the home of the Mets as Shea Stadium.

Or is it a group date? Maybe not. Looks like everyone is there. Why is that? This is anarchy!

JJ the Cocky Puck takes Kaitlyn out to the baseball field, where he picks her up and runs around the bases. Homerun! Also looks like he's wearing pink socks and brown shoes from what I can tell. In loving memory of Rooftop Clint, in all probability.

One by one, the guys tell Kaitlyn they're not happy with the whole Nick situation. Shawn says this is a turning point for their relationship. He says he'd hoped she was smarter. "This guy's full of shit, 110%." She asks if he can trust her. He's not reassuring her. She says she really likes Nick but her worst nightmare is coming through. It's going to be a really difficult rose ceremony.

Ah, so this is the rose ceremony, not a group date. I'm slow on the uptake.

Seems quick for a ceremony for old Nickster. Then again, we haven't had one in two episodes. They stand on the field shivering, the roses atop a bucket of baseballs on the pitching mound. Who has roses already? That'd be Balloon Boy Justin, Love-Man Jared, and Dr. Cupcake. The rest go in order to:

1. Aitch
2. Zed
3. Shawn
4. Tissue Tanner
5. Moonshine Joe
6. Run Ian Run
7. Cocky Puck
8. Steel Rose Joshua
9. Nick the Possible Prick

Who's leaving? That'd be Detroit Jonathan, Ryan, and Corey. I think. They didn't really say.

If Nick's done anything on this show so far, he's taken the heat off the cad JJ, the Cocky Puck. All of a sudden he's a popular guy in the house. But let's not forget what a jerkface he really is. Can we all agree to remember that?

Now they're in San Antonio, Texas. Remember the Alamo? I don't.

A date card arrives under the door. Aitch gets a one-on-one. Looks like they're going for a walk because the card said, "Let's take our love one step at a time."

Nope, they go driving in an old red truck. I guess they're going to step on it. It's a Ford pick-up, according to manly man Steel Rose Joshua, who would know.

Ah, that "one step at a time" thing was because they're entering a two-stepping contest. Kaitlyn is a dance teacher, apparently, in Vancouver but she's only two-stepped a couple of times. Still, I'm sure she'll be fine even though she says she's nervous. If you can dance, you can dance.

I can't believe there's a whole dance movement based on quick-quick-slow-slow. Seems limiting. They last the first song, but get tapped out of the competition during the second number. But they looked like a nice couple together. They sit on the back of the pick-up and quick-quick-slow-slow kiss.

A new date card arrives back at the hotel. It's a group date and Nick is included, meaning Shawn will get a one-on-one later.

The evening with Aitch continues first, though. There's no way he won't get the rose. He opens up and talks about his long-distance romance. Sure enough, he's offered – and accepts – the rose. They seal it with a kiss. "He's exactly who I want to be with," she says, before adding, "in this moment."

The group date sees a 12-year-old enter with a mariachi band singing Ay-yi-yi-yi, a song I knew as the Frito Bandito song in commercials. I guess it's a real song, too. The challenge for the guys is to write their own mariachi song and perform them outside in public.

Moonshine Joe comes up with the clever(ish) lyric, "Kaitlyn, will you mariachi me?" The kid singer asks where his serious side is. Buzzkill.

Joshua keeps saying Nick's presence is taking time away from him. I don't think that logic holds up under scrutiny but that's just my intuition.

The guys walk down the street dressed in black with big black sombreros, looking like the Ten Amigos.

Jared actually sings the Frito Bandito song. I'm sure the musicians there appreciated that.

Run Ian Run is by far the worst. He's hard on himself, heaving a heavy sigh saying he choked yet again. Joshua, too, thinks he sucked but doesn't take it so seriously.

Nick one-ups the others by taking Kaitlyn up to a balcony to serenade her, but he's horrible. He definitely needed a gimmick to stand out. "We have such a great connection/ it gives me a huge erection," he sang. With a lot of Bachelorettes, that wouldn't go over. But Kaitlyn loves it. Most of the guys think it's pretty good, too. All except Joshua.

At night they're in a ranch. Joshua takes her aside and gets Kaitlyn to cut his hair for some inexplicable reason. He says, "You're a barber, right?" She's confused (as am I). Because she's not. At least I don't think she is. He blindfolds himself because otherwise he'd see what's going on on the side of his head even though there are no mirrors in sight.

She starts in with the razor, buzzing the side of his head. But only one side. Now at least he has the haircut to match his crazy talk.

Nick wastes no time. He kisses her without any needless talking. But they finally stop to talk. He tells her none of the guys has been rude to his face. When he heads back to the common room, he returns to silence. Joshua finally speaks up. "I'm having a helluva hard time trusting you," he tells Nick. Nick tells him he doesn't need to trust him. But Josh can't pinpoint what he doesn't like about Nick. It's just dude's intuition.

Then Joshua takes more of Kaitlyn's time. They sit in the rustic old church and he tells her what he can't stand about Nick. He says Nick talks about his season with Andi all the time. But Joshua admits that it's just intuition, then adds that not one person likes Nick. She says, "So everyone's lying to my face?" Uh, not quite everyone, Kaitlyn. Remember earlier when Shawn said Nick was "full of shit, 110%"? Anyway, it's stressing her out. He tells her to talk to Tanner, Shawn, Zed and they'll all agree that it doesn't seem right. Now Kaitlyn is questioning everyone.

Joshua came back and claimed he was in an interview and not with Kaitlyn. Now the tides are turning against the Welder. The others knew what was up, that he was talking to her again.

Kaitlyn enters and tells the guys she's having a real issue. She asks if everyone's being honest with her. She asks point blank if Joshua thinks everyone's being honest with her. He says, "I like to think so." She confronts him, saying he just told her moments ago that the guys weren't being honest with her. He says he hopes the others aren't going to hang him out to dry. So he's implicating them.

Zed says all's peachy keen. Josh says they just spoke at the bus how goofy the situation is. Zed says all wide-eyed, "What are you talking about?" Who's the liar?

Kaitlyn tells them she's not kidding around. She's looking for a husband. (Okay, so she's lying, too, but it's in the spirit of the show.) She picks up the rose and gives it to Nick, saying she has to trust her heart. Boom! The new guy gets it. Joshua is feeling pretty low. Shoulda kept his fat trap shut, he thinks. Was he telling the truth? Probably, but the truth shall set you free from the show.

Now's the big day for Shawn. It's his one-on-one date. Shawn doesn't trust Nick and thinks he's there for the wrong the reasons and plans to tell Kaitlyn. Obviously the guys didn't talk to him about the group date.

Proof it's been done before

They go kayaking, something nobody gets to do, Kaitlyn says. I think she may be wrong on this one. Pretty sure people have kayaked before.

Sitting on the bank of the river, Shawn says he felt bad for Joshua last night. He tells her there were guys that probably didn't speak up. She doesn't seem so mad with him like she was with Joshua even though they basically said the same thing.

Later he tells her about a horrific car accident he was in five or six years ago. The doctors hadn't seen anyone survive an accident like that. He says he never wore his seatbelt until that day. He put it on and two minutes later got in the accident. Clearly the message here is that seatbelts are bad luck.

They kiss awkwardly and he tells her that he's falling in love with her. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! Kaitlyn feels like it was her husband telling her that. She whispers back that she's feeling the same way. He gets the rose, they hop in a canoe and there are fireworks. Literally. She says he's the guy she gave the first rose to, and can't wait to give more roses to him, and may give the final rose to him.

Run Ian Run can't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton graduate, former model who defied death. Normally girls like him. He's a catch, he says. He's good looking and smart, he says. He lobbies for being the next Bachelor, saying he'd be better choosing from 25 women. I'm sure the Twitterverse is exploding with tweets in support of Ian for Bachelor. All ironic.

Cocktail party time. Aitch, Nick and Shawn are safe. Joshua is choking up at his gaffe. He's yet another contestant who hasn't clued in from all the past seasons that it never pays to speak truth to love. He doesn't want to leave. If he gets sent home he'll be devastated. But I think we know where this is heading.

Run Ian Run is looking defeated. He says, "Tonight is the pivotal moment of the entire situation. I know Kaitlyn is not interested in me. There's not a chance this situation will work out. I'm pretty over it." He says Kaitlyn wants to hear the truth but can't handle it. "She's not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend," he says. He's clearly falling apart.

Nick is wearing a bow tie, emulating his hero Irving R. Levine, no doubt. Good thing he already has a rose. That would be a deal breaker, I'm sure.

Jared tells her he feels like he's falling in love with her. She whispers that that makes her happy to hear, but doesn't say she's feeling that way, too. They go into a room and fall down on a bed filled with rose petals. They kiss.

But wait. Why is there a bed with rose petals at the cocktail party? That's usually saved for the Fantasy Suite. This smacks of entrapment. They're trying to sucker Kaitlyn into doing sexual intercourse to someone.

Interspersed with her romp with Jared is Run Ian Run revealing his true self with every word that falls out of his brain. He says, "My patience is at the end. Against all of my logic, Kaitlyn doesn't want someone like me and it's just making me look bad." (Actually, he's doing a pretty good job of that himself.) "It's frustrating. ... I bring so much more to the table than any of these guys here. I have a good job, a good education, charsima, brains, looks. If that wasn't impressive enough then I don't know what else is impressive here. ... I could be the Bachelor. I think I'm a very eligible Bachelor in this country and in this world. I am an enigma and who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life."

Lobbying to be the next Bachelor already? Oh, Ian. I pity your sweet naivety. You've got a worse chance that Juan Pablo coming back at this point.

Outside Kaitlyn kisses Moonshine Joe and the guys see it. Ian the Gift unravels ever so coolly because he's a cool guy, as he'll be the first to tell us. He says, "I'm not here to be with Kaitlyn. I don't find Kaitlyn interesting. Kaitlyn just seems like she wants to make out with a bunch of people and have a good time." (Close-up of Kaitlyn kissing Joe.) "I'm not here just to have a good time. I have a good time in my own life. I meet chicks and I have a lot of sex in my own life." (Yet he felt the need to find love on The Bachelorette. Now tell me again who's there for the right reason.)

Enough? Not even! There's more!

"I'm in a place where everybody is bowing down to this girl. It's terrible. I need to get my confidence back because it just got [bleeping] run over by a train here. So when I talk to Kaitlyn, I don't plan on holding anything back tonight. I'm going out guns blazing, son."

We'll see about that.

Nope, he was right. That's exactly what he did.

He takes her aside and gives her a dose of the honesty she says she craves. It starts with the small talk as they walk down the hall. He asks, "How's San Antonio?" She says, "I love it. Are you loving it?" He says, "No."

And we're off!

Let's put the pause button to good use because this needs to be written out so you can let it soak in. I'm not sure we've ever heard anything quite like it on this show.

"I heard what you said about being honest with you. You told me to share my feelings with you. I look around the house and I look at you and I feel like everybody's kind of on vacation from life. And for me, this isn't a vacation. I came here for love. And I came here to find a wife. And it's really difficult for me hanging around a group of guys that are just making fart jokes, making poop jokes, making sex jokes, and [inaudible]. That's what works for you but that's not what works for me. It's that surface-level stuff that I really try to break through. And that deep person is who I am." 

"I know," Kaitlyn interjects softly as she sits there squeezing her lips together as she is wont to do. 

"And it's tough for me because I came here expecting to meet the girl that had her heart broken and was devastated by Chris Soules, not the girl that wanted to get her field plowed. Really, I feel like I found that there's still that girl. I feel like you're here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV. Bringing Nick in, I don't question his intentions; I question your intentions. I really see you as a surface-level person at this stage. And I wonder if you're really that shallow because I don't see anything beyond the surface."

To Be Continued... of course.

Great stuff from Ian, especially considering he spoke of all the sex he gets any time he wants back home.

The next episode should be a doozy. Not only will we see her reaction to the Gift that Keeps Unwrapping, but it's also the episode she sexes someone.