Bachelorette JoJo: Aw, Phuket!

Okay, okay, here it is. I know Bachelor in Paradise has started already (I'll be doing a very modified blog for that – shorter and probably just as late). Chances are you've already forgotten about JoJo's season. So let me refresh your memory.

It sure was an emotional finale, wasn't it? No, not really. But that's what they told us at the start. Whatever. They still don't get that we're going to watch no matter how they try to hype it.

We start in a studio before a live audience, as has become the norm. Included in the audience is the cast of Bachelor in Paradise and Chris Harrison makes a point of drawing special attention to Bad Chad like it's all a big joke. Keep in mind, this had to be filmed after Bachelor in Paradise, where he revealed himself to be even more of a problem. So why is Harrison, and why are the producers, encouraging the guy? Almost every other villain in franchise history has been mostly booed and jeered and hissed at, men and women. This guy, maybe the most destructive of the lot, is given a wink and a chuckle. Somewhere Juan Paolo must be scratching his head.

The finale is in Phuket! Of course!

JoJo tells us and her family that when she's with one of the remaining two, she thinks of the other one. I wonder if that was also the case in the fantasy suite?

Yes, her whole family came to support her. That includes the two evil brothers. Remember them from last season? They either got the really bad edit last season, got a really good one this season, or were heavily coached on how to behave this time around. Even her mom refrained from drinking wine straight out of a bottle.

Jordan met the family first. He arrived carrying gifts and explained the tradition in his family to embarrass each other. Presumably by not talking to each other. But here he brought hats. Because what's more embarrassing than a hat, am I right?

Mom tells Jordan that JoJo has "trust issues" with men and asks him for his word that he'll never break her daughter's heart. What an empty promise that is. How could he predict the future? Yet to respond with, "Well, I can give you my word that I'll never intentionally break her heart" wouldn't go over so well.

Then Dad also brought up her "trust issues." I'm not a fan of the word "issues." But Jordan didn't bat an eyelash. He was probably too mesmerized with their looks. I can't get a handle on what either one of them looks like. You know how in some news investigations, some interviewees don't wish to be identified? Sometimes they're blurred out, sometimes they sit in the dark, and sometimes they wear bad disguises. Yeah, the last one.

It was a really short segment with Jordan. And the brothers got next to no airtime.

Next was Robby, who showed up with a severe burn from the neck down. She said she feels adored and cherished around Robby. Someone with more time on their hands than I should go back through every blog post and track what is said about the runner-up compared to the eventual winner to see if there's a theme. Seeing this now, after the fact, it seems like a no-brainer that she wasn't going to pick him.

The family seemed to like Robby more. One of the brothers reminded her she's not picking someone to be a New Year's Eve date, which seemed to be a shot at Jordan. Mom thinks Robby is more husband material than Jordan. Dad agrees. The bros like Jordan but think Robby is more committed and ready to marry.

Mom told Robby that she's giving him a princess because JoJo was raised as a princess. Good thing Jordan didn't hear that. She also told Robby that she wants him to make her a queen of his heart. Does she work for Hallmark?

Jordan never asked Mr. JoJo for his blessing, should it come to that. Robby, however, included Mom in the mix, promising to protect JoJo, care for her, and commit to her his entire life. Dad scoops his daughter, telling Robby that JoJo loves him. Then Dad cried, and apparently he doesn't cry much. He's a strong man. And that makes JoJo love Robby so much more. But she's not yet ready to make a decision. Yeah, we see where this is going. And we're good with it.

Another hint about her final decision was that Robby's segment was both longer and more teasingly perfect. But again, I haven't done the hard grunt work to see if this is how things are usually done in Bachelorland.

The family mentions to JoJo that Jordan didn't ask their blessing to ask for her hand, while Robby did. And that was another hint. JoJo was visibly shaken by this bit of news. She cries and says she's confused but I think it's more that she's confused by the man she wants (Jordan) than between the two.

And then came this seemingly fair and balanced assessment: If she was with Jordan and things didn't work out, she'd think about Robby; but if she was with Robby, she'd always wonder about Jordan. But did you catch the subtle difference? She'd think about Jordan even in good times with Robby, but would only think about Robby if things were shaky with Jordan.

The date with Robby was suitably boring. He tells her he sees them sitting on a comfy sofa watching TV while a meatloaf is burning in the oven. At night with the Sap, there's more sappy dialogue. He gives her a wrapped gift and proceeds to unwrap it himself. What's the point of the wrapping? (The gift, for those keeping track at home, are unframed photos of the couple.)

On Jordan's date, he said he has a tough decision to make, too. It's a two-way street. Hindering her decision is his neglecting to ask for her parents' blessing. They talk about it. She slyly leads him down the path to the point where he brings it up, looking like he did so without any prodding, but it was her all the way. He said he didn't feel comfortable asking because he didn't know if he'd be the winner, er, the man she chose. I don't think he thought this through. The guy talks in circles. He says he doesn't know if he'd be ready to get down on one knee in two days or not, then says he would be. She's not sure if he's ready for an engagement although she thinks he does want to be with her. Details, details.

Jordan feels bummed that he let her down. I'm not sure why he doesn't just go over to their place and ask. There are supposed to be no rules, right? What's stopping him?

Instead he decides to call them and ask. Mom gives their blessing. Dad doesn't say anything.

All the indecision went away, as it so often does, overnight leading into the final day. JoJo woke up with a moment of clarity. She won't change her mind.

She gets letters from the two fellas. She cries as she reads the letter from Jordan. It's everything she's wanted. She not only believes him, she believes in him.

Then again, she cries when she reads the missive from Robby. Watching him get dressed through this, we get a closeup of his head and I marvelled at the comb job on his head. He's got all the makings of a great Trump 'do when he's older.

Then we get to hear Robby's confidence at winning JoJo, a surefire sign he's not getting the rose, or her hand in marriage.

Chris Harrison tells the studio audience it's going to be painful because they both expect they'll be chosen. You know, unlike every single other final rose ceremony where one person doesn't really care either way.

We see some feet getting out of a vehicle. The feet are adorned with garish socks and the legs with the skinniest dress pants I've ever seen. My wife said, "Don't pick him based on that outfit alone." Turns out it's Robby.

We hear his over-confidence: "When I leave today, I will be engaged." Why would he say that? Even if you're 100 percent confident, just hold your tongue because there is one other guy involved. It's within the realm of possibility that you won't be engaged.

When she sees him, she says, "You look amazing. This is the best suit." So there's that. I guess she couldn't see his socks.

He opens his yap: "Jo, my family adores you, my future longs for you, my heart yearns for you." He speaks of their love, the kind you only hear about in fairy tales. You know, because it's not real.

She stops him before he can soil his knee and feeds him a line of BS: "I woke up this morning wanting it to be you." I thought she woke up with a moment of clarity? She continued: "Every day I've been wanting it to be you." If you really want to choose someone, just choose them. What's the holdup? But why would you want it to be someone who you don't feel for? And how does this make Jordan feel? "I chose you Jordan, but I really wanted it to be Robby."

As she walks him to the car, she says it again: "You don't get how badly I wanted it to be you." And gives another variation on the same theme once more for good measure. Does this make any sense to anyone? If so, please explain. The only thing I can think of is the socks. She really wanted it to be him until she took a look at those.

But Robby took it better than I expected him to. He just said he's "really, really confused." I hear you.

Jordan arrives wearing normal socks but just as skinny pants. She has a big smile for him. He tells her he's so unbelievably in love with her and that he's going to choose her over and over again until she tells him he can't. She then stops him to tell him she loves him so much. She didn't want him to get down on one knee until he heard that. I thought that was a bit presumptuous.

I liked his proposal, though. Short and to the point. Just said her full name and added, "Will you marry me?" Boom. Done.

She accepted.

On After the Final Rose, Robby entered. Looks like he got his teeth done. They were unnaturally white. But he was still dull.

When JoJo joined him, he beamed. That's about it.

Chris Harrison asked JoJo who she thought should be the next Bachelor. She mentioned Luke and Chase and then Chad stood up to make a case for himself: he lost his mom, he was a marine. He desperately wants it. Some in the audience even cheered for him. I blame Chris Harrison.

My choices: 1. a nobody, 2. Chase, 3. Chris Harrison.

When Jordan came out to join JoJo, they talked about the difficult times they've had with the tabloids. Stuff about Jordan being a fraud and JoJo's ex. But this was all stuff that came out on the show first. The tabs just ran with it. It's not like they created that out of whole cloth.

Other news? Let's see... Jordan's bags are packed. He's moving to Dallas. With JoJo. They've got a house already... Chris Harrison brought up the rift with his brother. Jordan double-talked his way out of it... That's about it.

And that's all she wrote, ladies and germs. Kinda ended with a fizzle, didn't it? Check back here for brief thoughts on Bachelor in Paradise in a day or two if you want.