Episode five: Shock of a... Ed leaves

A shock of a lifetime. That’s what they told us Jillian experienced this week. It’s the hyperbole we’ve come to expect from The Bachelor/ette franchise. A lifetime? Really, Bachelor/ette producers? The shock of a week, maybe.

Turns out bachelor Ed wanted out. He blamed it on his boss, which I’m sure will go over well in the office tomorrow morning after this airs on national TV. So off he went, never knowing for sure what might have been, and our poor Jillian was left wondering if she’s not good enough for guys to take chances on.

I’m going out of order here. Usually I'd save such earth-shattering news for lower down to build the suspense but the show always gives every freaking thing away, so why can't I? What are they so afraid of? That we won’t come back after the commercials? We're with you, producers. No one is switching over to I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here. Honest. Can’t we just experience the shock of a lifetime once when it happens? It might actually heighten the experience.

So anyway, what else happened? The group headed up to Whistler, BC, home of the upcoming 2010 winter Olympics. For any first-time American viewer to the show, I’m sure it only reinforced their opinion of what Canada is: snow and trees for as far as the eye can see. So in case anyone missed it, Whistler is a mountain resort.

Michael, the kooky breakdancer, gets the first one-on-one date, his first of the series. As everyone knows, on these dates it’s get a rose or go home. I thought for sure Michael was toast, but his infectious goofiness won Jillian over. They go zip-lining, which is basically hanging from a rope and sliding down a hill really high in the air. Michael thinks zip-lining is just like love because you have to just commit all out. And then you scream. And puke.

I’ve been on record criticising Jillian’s taste in men and music. Her bad taste knows no end, it seems. She thinks Michael is “incredibly funny”. All I can think is his sense of ha-ha has been lost in the editing. The guy is a carefree goofball, I’ll grant you. But funny? Maybe compared to the other duds, comedy-wise, in the bunch. But she likes that he reminds her of a puppy. An incredibly funny puppy.

Mike had a great date, too. “I’ve not done anything like this ever ever in my whole life ever,” he said. And then peed on the carpet.

After the fun day stuff, Jill wanted to see the serious side of the puppy. He tells her he’s a “cheesy-ass, fall-in-love romatic” if a girl so much as kisses him. Not that that's happened before.

But I gotta admit he won me over with his self-effacing attitude when he got serious. He admitted how stupid he can get at the expense of looking cool. I appreciate that. The first key to not being made fun of is to make fun of yourself. Well played, sir, well played.

And it works. To a degree. Jillian says a sense of humour is important to her and there’s never a lack of conversation with Michael. So with that... he gets a hug. A measly hug. Oh, there’s a small kiss but she quickly turns that into another emasculating hug. Maybe it doesn’t work afterall.

***

The group date sees vacant Wes, bartender Robby, studly Kiptyn, toe-boy Tanner, spoiler-alert Ed, Gentleman Jake, brainy Reid, and, uh, Mark on a snow day. High fives ensue. They’re at a ski resort but the idea of a snow day gets them juiced. Turns out they’re going snowmobiling. And on this date, Jill wants to know where everybody stands. Of course she won’t find out, but she wants to know nonetheless.

When Wes plops down beside her in the snow, they talk a bit about last week and if guys are there for the right reasons. Wes visibly gulps and offers that he might be perceived as not being there for the right reasons because he has a new CD coming out, available in fine hardware stores everywhere. But he says he was working on the CD for a good year and a half before he decided to do the show. Did he mention he has a new CD coming out? Check out his website, www.creepyopportunist.com

And dear, sweet, gullible Jill says she loves Wes and likes the fact he’s a bad-ass as well as sweet, so he gets a big old smooch. North America sighs and shakes their collective head.

At the end of the night with all the fellas, Jillian offers cheers to the snow, cheers to the whiskey and cheers to the ice bar, upon which the party girl does a little dance.

It’s at about this point of every program where the whiskey starts to get to our Jillian. She sits down with Kiptyn and says, “Feel my butt. It’s wet.” Kiptyn, going incognito in a hat, obliges. Jillian truly looks wasted. They kiss. Tongue is involved. Jill says, “I like you. I like you. Do you like me?”

By the time Reid comes a-courtin’, she’s into the beer. She asks Reid who’s the one with the girlfriend. He jokes that he’s got four girlfriends and two wives. Oh, that Reid. He’s already way funnier than Michael.

Here’s when Ed breaks the news to Jillian about the conference calls he’s supposedly been having with his boss. Does anyone buy this? I thought these guys were cut off from the outside world when they agreed to come on the show. And here Ed is having daily conversations with his by now, I’m sure, ex-boss.

Jill gives the pity rose to Ed, saying he can think about it for a couple of days before making a decision and there will be no hard feelings either way.

***

On the last date of the week, a hung-over Jillian greets winemaker Jesse and they hop on a plane to a glacier. It’s the most romantic view she’s ever seen in her life; a glimpse of heaven, if you will. And I think you will.

There they frolic in the snow. Jesse says he’s been in love only once in his life and I’m thinking, uh-oh, not good. She likes a guy who’s had his heart broken, remember? But that appears to be the criterion only for guys she doesn’t like already. She isn’t listening to a word he says, all the while giving Jesse a kiss-me stare.

After the break, she asks him if it’s too soon for him to get into a relationship. Jesse doesn’t have a ready answer, to his credit. And she doesn’t seem to care. They talk of kids. She wants children in about three years. She also says she wants to live in her guy’s city for a couple of years, but Jesse doesn’t ask the obvious follow-up. Where does she go after that? Back to Vancouver? What if he doesn’t want to go?

But Jesse is just as smitten, so words don’t really matter. He tells her how sweet, sexy and raspy her voice is, saying she should be on the radio and people could listen to her soothing tones and fall asleep. I actually agree with him. I love her voice. But I can see how others don’t. And to her credit, she goes the self-deprecating route, saying, “Who ever in their right mind thinks my voice is soothing? It’s like nails on a chalkboard. It’s like I’ve been drinking whiskey since I was born.” God love her. In fairness, she’s only been drinking whiskey every day since she was 15.

The two hop in the hot tub and pour champagne. She digs him big time. He gets the rose, of course. He says he’s gleaming, he’s glowing and he won’t be able to sleep tonight. Uh, yeah, Jesse, it’s called blue balls.

***

Ed leaves. Blah. So what? Tears follow. He asks to keep the rose because nobody else should have it. I’m still not sure how that affected the show. Jillian tells him that when he does find a person he’s crazy for, he shouldn’t let work get in the way. Ba-boom! In your face, Ed! Take that!

Jill takes a long, pensive gondola ride and wonders if she’s good enough for someone to take a chance on and sacrifice things. She is. And she knows it.

***

Jillian decides to skip the cocktail party and get right down to business handing out roses. Suffice it to say this is the first time Jillian has ever turned down a night of drinking.

At the rose ceremony, she sports gorgeous earrings. I don’t usually notice things like that, so they must be special. I’ve got nothing to say about them other than I really liked them.

Since Ed left of his own accord, and Michael and Jesse already have roses, only one person will be sent packing. Jill hands out six roses to:

1. Reid
2. Kiptyn
3. Robby
4. Jake
5. Tanner
6. Wes

Sent home is the pizza dude, Mark, who took it well, saying he couldn’t get past his own barriers. But he managed a final parting shot to our friend, Wes, saying “I didn’t come here to sell records and I don’t have a girlfriend.”

It seems my tipster, who commented on my first blog of the season, one day before the very first show aired, was bang-on. She said that Wes would make the hometown dates. Each week I keep hoping Jill comes to her senses, but I guess we’ve got to just wait it out. I’m just hoping he’s the hapless lover they teased about in next week’s episode who couldn’t get it up. Can’t wait for that one. Although knowing the producers, the big problem in the bedroom they mention will probably turn out to be a calf cramp.

Either way, I’m there. See you next week.

Great blog

I clicked on one of the commenter's names and it led me to what presumably is her blog on the show. It's basically one-stop shopping for all things Bachelor/ette. The latest entry is a really good Q & A with Jillian from the Globe & Mail, Canada's top newspaper. And then there's Trista's take on this season. Lots of good stuff. Give it a read. But don't forget to come back here, too!:
http://topreasonstolovethebachelor.blogspot.com/


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The Bachelorette, episode 4: I smell a rat

Yo, yo, yo, homies. This week, my home girl Jill brings her fellaz to the old 604. Fo shizzie.

What?

Nevermind.

So anyway, we’re in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada this week. I’m here every week, but this week Jillian brings her 13 American boyfriends to the great wet northwest. (Actually, my dear American readers, that’s always been a pet peeve of mine. We’re not technically in the Pacific Northwest. Vancouver is in the southwest of Canada. Continentally, we’d be in the Pacific midwest – Alaska would be the northwest. But I digress.)

Jillian couldn’t wait to show the guys what Vancouver’s all about. Here’s the thing. I’ve been living in Vancouver for 16 years and came here regularly throughout my childhood. Yet I haven’t done a single thing these guys did in one episode. Curling? Kayaking? Grouse Mountain? Lucky, lucky gobble guts!

Kiptyn (by the way, is that a real name? I’ve never heard it before. I keep wanting some one to say “Aye aye, Kiptyn!”) gets the first one-on-one date. Jake is all excited. He tells Kiptyn, “She likes the nice guys. Finally a girl that likes the nice guys!” Explain Wes, then.

The date card reads, “Let’s cook up some love Vancouver-style.” What the hell is that? Does Vancouver have a style?

He either gets a rose or goes home. But we know how these things work by now. The one-on-one date is always someone the Bachelor/ette really likes. It’s the two-on-ones where they select someone they already want to get rid of.

So Jillian and Kiptyn go kayaking to the Granville Island Market. They paddle under the Burrard St. bridge. I did walk across said bridge this very Monday. And, truth be told, I have been to the market. But I didn't know they sell homemade tortellini until Jillian said so. I’ll have to go get me some. I love me some tortellini. That must be what she means by Vancouver-style.

This was the date. Shopping, then cooking at home with her man. While taking a break from the rigours of shopping, Jillian says she volunteers for Big Brothers. I tried to do that once, but never followed through. What could she do, though? Wouldn’t she be with Big Sisters? Or was it just another group dating thing? Maybe she likes younger men.

While she’s slaving over the hot oven, Cap’n Kiptyn holds her from behind and starts kissing her neck. He wants to contribute, too, afterall. She tells the camera that was her favourite part of the night. She kind of choked up a little when she said it, too. Needless to say, Kiptyn is rosed.

The group date consists of winemaker Jesse, foot freak Tanner (no initial this week because he’s the only Tanner left), Gentleman Jake, bartender Robby, country crooner Wes, Greg Brady lookalike Ed, breakdancer Michael, bespectacled Reid, smoooooth Juan, and fiery David. They go... curling. Yes. Curling. Because when I think of Vancouver, I think curling. I don’t even know where you can curl in Vancouver. I’ve never curled in my entire Canadian life. Maybe Jill wanted to see the guys work a broom.

But the guys fall over themselves in excitement when they step out of the limo. And that’s even before they stepped on the ice. Seriously? Curling? I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Worst. Season. Ever. Curling is the country music of the Olympics.

To make matters interesting, the group splits up and plays a game. Match? Round? I have no idea. The blue team consists of Wes, Ed, Reid, Mike and Tanner. The red team is Juan, David, Jesse, Jake, and Robby. Juan and David are on the same team but nothing good happens. No arguments or stare-downs. Jesse throws a perfect shot and the reds get to go out to dinner with Jillian while the blues get the blues back at the hotel.

We get reacquainted with Jesse. I honestly couldn’t remember who this guy was. But he’s the winemaker. I thought for sure he was a paperboy judging from his headwear. Michael has a man-crush on him, saying Jesse’s good at everything and is a really cool guy. He must be because he says he’s going to become a Canadian citizen, winning the hearts of Canadians everywhere. Unless he turns out to break Jillian’s heart.

They have dinner on an old boat, eating crab. Yet another thing I’ve never done. Eating crab, that is. Can you believe it? It’s true. After dinner, David continues his obsession with doing tequilla shots, but nothing comes of it. We’ll never know if Juan faked it again. Why can't they ever follow through with anything?

Jake is on cloud nine. For once a girl who likes the nice guys. Because he’s a good catch, he says. A nice guy. Oh, poor Jake. No woman will choose the nice guy if a bad boy comes a-courtin’. She tells him she thinks he’s so perfect and he beams. But she doesn’t want perfect. She wants him to be himself. But what if he really is perfect? Perfect is just code for “boring”.

Poor Gentleman Jake has been labelled perfect his whole life. He asks David if he’s too perfect. Compared to David, Jon Gosselin is perfect. David says he thinks she likes bad boys, of which he is a charter member.

Which brings us to her little meeting with David. Jillian wanted to see that David had a soft side. David tells her her ass is fantastic and “fucking hot”. He goes in for the kiss and she stops him. Jillian stops him. Jillian Harris. The Jillian who’ll kiss anybody. Yeah, that one. Priceless. At least she’s a bit discerning. Jillian felt disrespected.

But Delusional Dave says, “I think she is into me. She’s just holding back. Absolutely she’s challenging me. I think she was testing me and I love it. Game is on!” I love it.

When all is said and done, paperboy Jesse gets the rose.
Next up is the dreaded 2-on-1 date between baseball camp owner Mike and pizza dude Mark. Mark has a different look every time I see him so I never quite know who he is. On this date, Mike does all the talking. On their helicopter ride over Vancouver (yet another thing I’ve never done), Mark is off to one side, Jillian on the other with Mike in between. At dinner, Mike is toasting and laying everything out there. Mark is uneasy, awkward. Good for him.

Mark says he’s guarded, like a quarterback behind a line of men. I think the correct analogy would be like a curling stone behind a line of other curling stones.

I would have loved for this date to be between David and Juan. The producers were asleep at the helicopter wheel.

The helicopter takes them to Grouse Mountain. Guess what? Never been there. I live maybe 10 minutes from the place (I think). Alone with each of them, Jillian hears from Mike that he’s not the most successful, nor the most talented, nor the best looking... I don’t know what followed. And I’m sure Jillian didn’t, either. She had that look of, “Yeah, you’re right. I never noticed that before, but you’re really not. Thanks for that. My decision is made.”

The quiet and undistinguished Mark starts in about a long distance relationship he had. I didn’t know what he was talking about. But it turns out he was cheated on. Guess what that means, people? He’s had his heart broken! Oh, say no more, heretofore undistinguished Mark. You’re now in the running.

Mark gets the rose! Mark gets the rose! Score one for quiet awkward guys everwhere! Mike gets the long, cold walk to the gondola.
***

Finally rose ceremony time. And rain! Finally something I’ve experienced in Vancouver. But as good as this rose ceremony was, it’s a letdown thanks to all those upcoming highlights packages we saw before every set of commercials leading up to it. There are no surprises on this show.

I will say this, though. About every other season they announce one rose ceremony as being the most dramatic in Bachelor/ette history. And they usually are as unremarkable as rain in Vancouver. But this one I’d put up there with any of the others announced as the most dramatic in history. And it wasn’t even announced as such!

I was hoping for at least one surprise. Like maybe Jake trying to prove he’s not perfect by getting stinking drunk and punching a bellhop. But no. It was all about trying to figure out which bachelor (Wes! Wes!) had a girlfriend back home. Tanner is the one who told Jillian, but he wouldn’t name names.

There’s a revealing moment when she talks to Reid. He tells her that there are “clicks” (that’s how Americans pronounce “cliques”), but then switches modes and tells her he wants to kiss her. She says he can but needs a random question first. (Huh?) He asks who her first crush was and she says it was a guy named Vincent who sang her a song. Oh. no. Why are women such suckers for such blatant and cheesy pick-up manoeuvers? I can't believe how Wes has lucked out.

When she talks to Wes’s cheatin’ heart, she says there’s no girl in the world who wouldn’t want that song he sang to her and to know it’s genuine. Uh, yeah. Why she continues to believe it’s genuine reflects poorly on her judgment skills.

Wes lies and says no girls want him. That’s a big red flag either way you take it, I would think. Either he’s lying, and he’s a creep. Or he’s not lying and he’s a creep. But Jillian apparently thinks differently. She likes his affection and feels really comfortable with Wes.

Tanner feels that he, Ed and Jake are all there for the right reasons. He said that with a straight face. I guess he’s capable of that when there are no naked feet in his presence.

Jillian tells the guys they’re not having a cocktail party anymore, then walks off. Mutiny!

Despite her tears, Jillian doesn’t want to cry over these cheaters. She just wants them out. Chris tells them if they have something to say, say it now. Nobody does, of course. It’s grade nine P.E. all over again. What’s interesting, though, is a few guys say, “I don’t have a girlfriend” but Wes just says, “I’m clean, I’m clean.” Technically he’s not lying because he had a shower before the party.

Meanwhile, Tanner is sweating like a stuck pig. In a sauna. In August. He’s freaking out at Juan, telling him not to look at him. But Juan’s just looking around. Jillian isn’t ready to hand out no stinkin’ roses to these chumps. Well, not until after the commercial break, at which point she’s inexplicably ready.

While most of the guys want the cheater revealed, David wants Jillian to disclose who the rat was. Further sealing his fate.

So, with wino/paperboy Jesse, awkward pizza dude Mark and Cap’n Kiptyn all with roses, there are seven more to hand out. Two bachelors go home. The roses are handed out in this order:

1. Bespectacled Reid
(Jake isn’t looking confident)
2. Bartender Robby
3. Greg Brady look-alike Ed. So far all good guys.
4. Breakdancing Michael, who does another faggy dance move.
5. Cheatin’ Wes
6. Gentleman Jake, who finally smiles
7. Tanner the rat

The people have spoken! Our poll last week showed that the people (well, 13 of them, anyway) wanted both Juan and David gone. The allegations appear to have hurt the smooth one. He seems to be the kind of guy who would be working two or more women at once. But he wasn’t. He tells us he definitely doesn’t have a girlfriend and there’s nobody waiting for him back home. He heads out to the pouring rain and catches a cab back to Argentina.

I was hoping David would kick his ass on the way out. But no. They left in separate taxis. David thinks Juan ratted him out. Of course he does.

Next week, they go to Whistler! I’ve been there! Three times! There, Jillian will experience the shock of a lifetime. And cry. Things are heating up in the snow.