The Bachelor: On a Wing and a Prayer

Well, well, well. Here we are again. I didn’t think I’d be here. And I probably shouldn’t even bother considering I’m a day late. But on Sunday night my wife says, “Are you going to blog about the Bachelor again?” I didn’t even know it was starting. I said no, I probably wouldn’t, but she begged... Okay, maybe not begged, but that’s how I took it.

I had next to no interest in this season because Jake is so dull. So perfectly dull. But what the hell. I play basketball on Monday nights and I can’t sleep right after so I may as well fire up the PVR and settle in for some unintentional comedy.

I probably won’t go on and on as in seasons past. Not sure how I’ll work it. Maybe a few random thoughts per segment (defined here as the show portion between commercials). I can’t spend too much time on this. But knowing me, I will go on and on. I guess we’ll just have to find out.

Alrighty, let’s get this show going. It’s called On the Wings of Love. Get it? Because he’s a pilot, you see. We probably won’t hear too many pilot references so enjoy it while it lasts.

SEGMENT 1: We get to know Jake a little bit. Very little. We know he likes to go shirtless a lot and when he does put a shirt on, it usually has wings on it. We get it. He’s a pilot. A nice guy pilot. His mantra is “Nice guys don’t finish last; nice guys just have to wait a little bit longer.” And nice guys settle, most likely, too. He says he didn’t think he’d be 31 and single, but thinks this is it for real. He’s sure he’ll end up with a fiancée: “I can just feel it!” Oh, poor stiff Jake. Guaranteed, though, he’ll spend more quality time with more women than he’s probably ever even talked to in his entire life this season. (I’m not counting over the P.A. on his plane.)

SEGMENT 2: Chris starts this segment telling us that America was shocked when Jillian sent Jake home. And he managed to keep a straight face. Maybe Bizarro America was shocked but no one in real life was surely.

We get to know a few select women ahead of their entries into Jake’s life. It’s always hard for me (and I assume you) to keep track of these strangers so I need to constantly refer to the characteristics I pick up along the way by assigning them a nickname: On a side note, would it be too much to ask of the producers to not have people with the same name in the same season? It's confusing and entirely unnecessary.
Ali: Cute, 25. Spunky. My front runner. She will herewith be called Front Runner Ali. You know who else was cute and spunky for two seasons running, don’t you? My all-time fave, Jillian.
Alexa, 25, mentions orgasms. Nice looking. She’ll be called Orgasmic Alexa, but not for long because she’s toast.
Tenley, dancer, 25, dancing on the beach. Sounds dumb. Divorced. Stayed a virgin until married. Perfect! Dumb Divorced Tenley it is!
Elizabeth, 29, air force captain. Nice looking. Smart. No fashion sense. I like her! Greatest loves in her life have all been pilots. Air Force Elizabeth, unfortunately, won’t stick around. (No need to write spoiler alert because you all know how it ended up already.)
Rozlyn, 28, model. Beautiful, of course, but my bet to be the one in it for the wrong reasons. She will be Wrong Reason Rozlyn.
Christina, a guy’s girl, and admits to being a little bitchy. Bitchy Christina it is.
Vienna, 23, shapely. Biggest personality, she says, and very intelligent. Loves herself. Currently unemployed. Points for honesty. Spoiled daddy’s girl. He bought her five cars. Tiny dog. What’s with chicks named for European capitals? Vienna is very Paris (Hilton)-like. What to call her... How about Spoiled Vienna? Done.
Ashley, 29, teacher. Not all that good looking but for a teacher she’s got to be considered hot. We’ll call her Professor Ashley.
Elizabeth, 29, nanny. Not to be confused with Air Force Elizabeth. Va-va-va-voom. She’s got the weirdest looking cleavage, though. Does that mean fake tits? Not sure. She says she’s not okay with Jake kissing other girls. So naturally this is the show for her. She's a nanny. And that shall be her name: The Nanny.)
Ella, 29, a southern belle. Looks older than 29. Has a son who she likes to chase around trees. She also boxes. “He is coming home with me,” she announces. And says she’ll knock someone out. Didn’t knock me out. We’ll call her Ella Belle.
Gia, 26, a swimsuit model from NY. Also has been a ballet dancer and done beauty pageants. Still, though, not lucky meeting guys. Yeah, it’s tough being a model. Claims to have had only three boyfriends her whole life. Maybe it’s the freaky facelift she had that scared them off. She’ll be Gia Pet, just because I like the way that sounds.
Kimberly, 24. She never thought in a million years this would happen. And guess what? It didn’t. She didn’t get a rose. Still, we’ll call her... I guess Kimberly. That’s not hard to remember.
Emily, 23, is a fit model, whatever that is. My guess is it doesn’t involve the face. Fit Emily is gone after this episode, too.
Tianna, 31, from Vancouver! Gotta like that. But not too much, because Tianncouver goes home tonight, too.
Caitlyn is a spokesmodel. She says that the experience she has from pageants will allow her to dominate this competition. Uh, not so much. She’s a goner, too.
Kirsten spoke too fast. Doesn’t matter. She’s outta here, too.
Michelle, 25, is cute and natural. Says she’s ready to be a wife. And why not? She’s 25 already. We’ll call her Unbalanced Michelle.

SEGMENT 3: Now here’s something I always wonder about. We start with a scene of Jake showering. How does this play out in real life? Is he naked? Of course not. And if not, it’s all for show. Do the producers ask if he'd mind hopping in the shower? Why would he agree to it?

Jake tells us he’s risking it all for love. What’s the risk? This is a guy who stalls airplane engines for the thrill of it. There’s risk in meeting and making out with a bunch of women and becoming a minor celebrity? Not when the alternative is crying in your pillow on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Jake isn’t a nerd, though, okay? He rides a motorbike. And he’s got abs. My guess is he was the kid who had sand kicked in his face as a kid and vowed revenge. He admits he’s had a lot of first dates. And somewhere in Bizarro America people are shaking their heads in disbelief.

Chris defines non sequitur in a question to Jake, asking if the girl he loves is terrified of flying, would he give it up? Uh... what? Is there a bring-your-wife-to-work day in the airline industry? What possible difference does it make whether she’s terrified or not? But Jake lies and says love is more important. So I guess he’ll just find a new job in that scenario.

SEGMENT 3: Nervous Jake meets the girls. The first car is full of drunken screaming girls. And here we go. We meet them all now:
Wrong Reason Rozlyn, the model, is first out of the limo. Her name means rose, she informs him. He should fasten his seatbelt because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Hey, another flying reference. That’s gotta be the last one, right?
Fit Emily, the fit model. She’s the Mary Ann of this island. But not as cute.
Front Runner Ali lost her voice. Gives a peacock feather. Maybe she said why but I missed it.
Jessie, 25, another Canadian, from Oakville, Ont. She grabs Jake’s biceps and says, “Do you have a registry for these guns?” then gives a flirty little over-the-shoulder look as she walks away. She’ll be Crazy Canuck Jessie. Inexplicably, she sticks around.
Dumb Divorced Tenley looks better but still sounds dumb.

The second car pulls up. Jake waves awkwardly:
Ella Belle, hair stylist, 29, from Tennessee. He loves her accent. She pulls the old “There’s something on your tie” routine and he falls for it. She thought he needed a laugh. Yeah, that always kills. Then she says, “How does it feel to talk to the woman you’re going to marry?” And he gave this woman a rose! Seriously!
Kathryn, 25, is a corporate flight attendant. She’s wearing a hideous purple dress, and sounds hideous, too. She’ll be Kathryn the Faker.
Caitlyn. Nothing to say here but nice back. Plus, she doesn’t last so I don’t need to get to know her.
Air Force Elizabeth. She asks if he prefers to be called Jake or Jacob. Apparently she didn’t watch last season because a grand total of zero people referred to him as Jacob. Then she pulls out a two-headed coin and flips it, telling him heads she stays, tails she goes. Maybe these gals are told to have something witty to say but it all sounds so prepared.
Orgasmic Alexa enters wearing black gloves. She drives a Harley, you see. She’s also dressed like a harlot.
Next out is Spoiled Vienna. She wants a touch of those famous abs so she cops a feel.
Classy Corrie, 23, is a breath of fresh air until she makes a lame joke about Kissimmee, Florida.
Kimberly, from Oklahoma, talks about college football. Not too rehearsed. And by that I mean completely rehearsed.
Valishia, 32, is a homemaker. Wait a second. Run that by me again? A homemaker? A single homemaker? I guess it sounds better than unemployed. She rubs a bit of soil from Texas into his hand. I’ll call her Dirty Valishia.
Gia Pet, the swimsuit model, arrives and poses as she steps out of the limo. Not only is she a swimsuit model/former ballerina/beauty pageant contestant, but apparently she owns a hair salon, too. The modeling’s going well, I guess. When she talks, she doesn’t move her lips. Could be the collagen.

SEGMENT 4: The last ten arrive:
The Nanny (Elizabeth) and her fake boobs greet Jake. She asks him to close his eyes and picture his best place. Thinking on his feet, he says right here. She looks displeased and says hers is snowboarding. Warning: She’s probably the type of girl who gets what she wants. Then again, she’s a nanny, so maybe not.
Channy, 29, needs no nickname. Not just because she’s gone after this episode, but for several reasons: Her name is nicknamey enough, she’s got a set of chompers Mr. Ed would envy, she wore a godawful miniskirt, she’s the only person of colour on this season (there’s always one), she’s the first ever Cambodian contestant, and, as we’ll find out later, she’s into personal grooming, South American style.
Professor Ashley, the teacher, is next. She says she’s a lousy picker of men. That oughta give Jake a extra jolt of confidence.
Tianncouver, 31, is tall. Taller than Jake, I think. No wonder she got the boot. Jake’s a man’s man and doesn’t need no woman standing over him.
Bitchy Christina brings some jelly beans along with her inner bitch. They’re little parting gifts for the girls since she says she’s going to win.
Another Ashleigh joins the group, only spelled differently. Her skirt is slit up to there and she trips into his arms. Oldest trick in the book. She looks like Cameron Diaz after too many drinks. So we’ll call her Ashleigh Diaz.
Next is Kirsten. She tells Jake that Jillian was so stupid for letting him go. She kinda looks like a man.
Stephanie, wearing a mini skirt, walks funny, self-consciously. But she’s a dance teacher. And kinda homely. No matter, she’s gone after tonight, too.
Sheila, a commercial pilot, exits the limo wearing sunglasses. I don’t want to fly with her. She says they’re a pair of aviators and he doesn’t bite. Doesn’t react a bit. No sense of excitement that here’s someone else who also is a commercial pilot. He sends her home, too, along with Air Force Elizabeth, yet keeps Kathryn, a flight attendant. What does that tell you? Jake likes to be the man and be recognized for his unique, manly abilities. He doesn’t need a woman who can do what he can do. He needs to impress the little ladies.
Unbalanced Michelle, flies in acting like a plane. I like her looks. She’s cute and a natural beauty. We’ll also find out she’s mentally unbalanced. Ah, The Bachelor, I knew you could draw me in somehow!

SEGMENT 5: Jake addresses the women inside. It’s a stilted little speech. As
Asheigh Diaz wants some one-on-one time so Jake and her can get a direct flight to romance. Get it? Because he’s a pilot! It’s funny because it’s true!
I knew I liked Front Runner Ali. On the way outside with Jake, she trips over her dress and rips it. She’s also got no voice. She confides she was scared of flying to the point of missing vacations. (Did I ever mention the time I took the bus back from Disneyland rather than getting on the plane?) She’s very refreshing. He likes that she’s different. What’s so different about her, though?
Classy Corrie asks Jake what his top 3 priorities are. He answers God, family, friends, in that order. So his own family and his close friends take a backseat to a mythical man in the sky. Nice.
Channy says he needs a bit of Cambodian fever. Sits him down and utters some beautiful Cambodian phrase, which translates to, “Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip any time.” Which further translates to, “Me love you long time.”
Professor Ashley is willing to do just about anything. So she changes into a saucy stewardess outfit. And damned if she doesn’t look cute, too. She claims to be working on her PhD. Two more classes and she’ll be a professor.
Elizabeth, the fake boobed Nanny, is athletic. She starts tossing a football around with Jake and soon the whole gang joins in. Blondes vs brunettes. I didn’t catch who won but it was the hottest game of football I’ve ever seen.

SEGMENT 6: Unbalanced Michelle lives up to the nickname. Says it’ll kill her if she doesn’t get the first impression rose. "I deserve Jake," she says. Not much make-up.
Spoiled Vienna grabs Jake’s hand and smothers her boob with it so he can feel her, um, racing heart. Outside of softball, that’s probably the first time he’s been to second base. She also gets him to feel her shin and kiss it. If he were wearing jeans, he would have creamed them.
Kathryn the Faker gets her nickname because she wears a wedding ring. She has a pretend fiancée. At least that’s her story and she’s sticking with it. Yeah, not weird at all.
Unbalanced Michelle is already emotional this early into the game. She says she’s put everything on hold to be there. You know, it’s a burden being on national TV.

SEGMENT 7: Jillian and Ed show up still pretending to be a couple. They grill the girls and keep notes. They ask such hard-hitting questions as, “What kind of animal would you be in the bedroom?"
Dumb Divorced Tenley reads off a checklist from a note. Her man must have a big heart, values, be honest, a cuddlebug, very passionate, ready to start a new adventure. She then says she’s a pretty good kisser and desperately asks for one. He thanks her for being vulnerable. Hmm. That didn't look too vulnerable. But maybe it was lost in the editing because later she says she’s only been with one man and teared up because it’s been a while.
Ed really liked Elizabeth, saying she was great looking, a great personality, and was very down to earth and relaxed. Not sure which Elizabeth but I think it must have been The Nanny.
Jill liked Ella Belle, the single mom.
They said to send Unbalanced Michelle home. She’s too emotional. So of course the producers tell Jake he has to keep her. That's the only explanation.
Jake gives the first impression rose to Dumb Divorced Tenley. She got the first kiss and the first rose.

SEGMENT 8: Jake says he likes Unbalanced Michelle but that she’s almost over-sincere. Man, what a humourless couple they would make. Let’s make it happen, people! But he’s gonna let his heart lead. He knows his future wife is in that room.

SEGMENT 9: The final rose ceremony. Dumb Divorced Tenley is already in. Fourteen others to follow, in this order:

1. Dumb Divorced Tenley
2. Ella Belle
3. Elizabeth the Nanny and her fake boobs
4. Front Runner Ali, who looks surprised. God love her.
5. Spoiled Vienna
6. Bitchy Christina
7. Gia Pet and her fake face
8. Professor Ashley
9. Wrong Reason Rozlyn
10. Crazy Canuck Jessie
11. Classy Corrie
12. Dirty Valishia, looking homely
13. Ashleigh Diaz
14. Kathryn the Faker
15. Unbalanced Michelle. It’s the first time she’s smiled all night. Future stalker.

Who’s gone? This is the part the show could improve upon. They always feature a few of them as they leave, but I’m always unclear who didn’t make it. Thank God I took notes. Tianncouver got the hook. There goes cheering for the home team. Fit Emily feels incomplete, just like her run on this series. She cries. Because that’s what you do. And Kimberly was shocked. The others not invited back next week to this locality were Caitlyn, Orgasmic Alexa, Air Force Elizabeth, Channy's landing strip, Kirsten, Stephanie, and Sheila the Aviatrix.

That’s it. Upcoming highlights reveal that someone has kids, someone’s a virgin, someone’s been having a sexual affair, and someone’s going to cry. And Jake bends over a railing and cries, as per Bachelor protocol. He goes to hell and back. And I believe that’s a direct flight. We’ll be with him the whole way.

After the final rose... it still sucks

We’re done. I’ll just have to live with it, for however long it lasts.

Jillian is still with Dead Ed. They seem happy. Say they’re going to get married within the year. I’m so happy for them. But let’s go through the After the Final Rose episode.

At the mere mention that Jillian accepted Ed’s proposal, the live studio audience goes wild... Sorry. Typo. I meant ‘goes mild.’ That was the kind of response you give to your best friend when they tell you they’re marrying a dullard. Feigned joy. It’s hard to do. Well done, studio audience.

First out is the ever-adorable Melissa. God, she’s cute. She talked of being embarrassed at how last season played out. Chris admitted stalking her on the set of Dancing with the Stars where he met some dude named Todd, who has since gone on to become her best friend. Or something like that. But she’s happy and that’s all that matters. The process was one of the best things that ever happened to her in her entire life, she says. Jason Mesnick made the right choice. Meow!

Next up is Kiptyn, who still looks like a broken man. No embarrassed smiles from him. Just a heavy sigh after watching what transpired at the final rose ceremony. The wind is still knocked out of him, he admits. He says he clearly fell in love and was real all the way through. He meant what he said. And he’s still got love for Jillian. And... sorry, I dozed off there.

They meet again for the first time since that fateful day. Jillian tells him he didn’t do anything wrong. He says no hard feelings. He’ll never stop appreciating the woman she is. He’s all class, that guy. Boring but classy.

That was a short segment. Reid stole Kiptyn’s thunder. Clearly Reid is a fan favourite. He’d make a most entertaining Bachelor, unlike Kiptyn.

Chris announces, “America was shocked by Reid’s unexpected return.” Only brain-injured Americans with short-term memory problems who didn’t watch the previews the previous week. Who was shocked? We all knew it was happening.

Reid enters with a big smile. He is Mr. Popularity. But I was surprised that during the clips of his embarrassing return, he didn’t give any wiseguy smiles while watching. He sat there and bit his lip. He told Chris that he was experiencing the same emotions that he felt at the time. We can only assume those were emotions of love followed by heartbreak.

Lots of people in cyberspace say Reid looks like Chandler on Friends. Not at all. He reminds me so much of Michael Keaton, as I wrote at the beginning of this season. His mannerisms, everything. Seriously. And Michael Keaton will always be way cooler (and funnier) than Greg Brady (Ed).

He says he didn’t think he had too much competition. I’m with him. I hope Jillian was listening backstage.

When she enters, they embrace and he’s all flirty. Every time she looks at him, he gives her a knowing smile with a twinkle in his eye. I think he still thinks he could get her.

He asks her if she was really confused that day he returned to profess his love. Jill started talking, but didn’t answer the question. She eventually got to the same line she told Kiptyn about wanting him to be happy.

That was about it as far as questions for her. Reid says, “You made your decision. That’s how it works. I’ve got to accept that. There are no questions that are going to change anything.” Yes, there are, Reid! Jillian is speechless. She’s still looking like she just needs to be asked. Ask her, Reid! Ask her now! Ask her to leave Ed! Do it for us!

Not gonna happen. He admits that he still loves her and her look seems to say she realizes she made a mistake. Ah, sweet regret. But she says she feels like she’s with the person she’s meant to be with now. She will not pull a Mesnick on poor, simple Ed.

Reid won’t ask any more questions (“it’s not right”), but one of them would have been about the fantasy suite. The crowd laughs. He got in a good dig while maintaining some dignity. Well played, good sir.

He says, “You seem happy.” Key word “seem”. “There’s no need to poke and prod and try to figure out what happened when you chose Ed and I shouldn’t even have...” There’s the classic Reid neuroses. He downplays himself constantly. He even said the ring he bought wasn’t very good, which elicited sympathetic ahs from the ladies. They were in love with the guy. One of them even asked him if he’d go out with her. She looked to be about 14. That was the only question they showed. Are the setting him up to be the new Bachelor? Let’s hope.

Finally Ed and Jillian are together on stage. They kiss. They kiss some more. Are they told to, I wonder? Because didn’t they just see each other back stage? Even if they didn’t, couldn’t it wait? Whenever I see overly affectionate couples in public, I always think that’s a sign of a troubled relationship. Like, “Look how deliriously happy we are! We can’t keep our hands off each other! No problems here! None whatsoever!”

We learn that Jill will be moving in with Ed on September 1. They plan on marrying within the next twelve months. “Why take it slow?” Jillian said. “We haven’t taken it slow from the start. We’re gonna have fun with this.” i.e. more drinking. Lots more.

One of the questions was about Ed’s “mankini” green swimtrunks. This may be a sign of my age, but they looked perfectly normal to me. Sure, most of my shorts now hang down by my knees, but those things are hard to swim in. Why is it all of a sudden verboten that any guy show off his thighs? Jill, to her credit, said she liked the shorts. Chris was aghast. He can’t believe it. Then again, Chris is a bit of a fop.

The last question had to do with Ed’s abilities in the bedroom. Jillian assures us that there are definitely no bedroom problems. The only problem, she says, is that they can’t get enough of the bedroom. Okay, okay, geez, did you need to go there? But that’s our Jill. Always classing up the proceedings.

Gotta love her. If only she’d get rid of that dud.

The final rose: Noooooo!!!!!!

How about that season finale?! It was, I understand, the most emotional one in Bachelorette history.

The show is set on the big island of Hawaii. Doesn’t it have a name? (That was honestly my thought at the time. Later in the show, the graphics said, “Big Island, Hawaii”, so the joke’s on me. And they say Americans don’t know geography!)

We all know how it ended by this point, so what’s the point in keeping up the suspense. But I’ll still go through as I saw it because the producers were once again toying with us. Judging by what we saw in the episode, I think everyone would have guessed that Kiptyn would have been the one. Let’s look at the evidence.

Jillian has one last date with each of the two remaining bachelors, Ed and Kiptyn, and they meet her family. She tells us that her fantasy suite date with Ed “messed with both of our heads.”

Ed arrives in a pink shirt. It looks good, actually. Is that so wrong to say? He’s wearing long shorts, though. I’d have loved to seen the pink shirt with the short green swim trunks he favours.

Grandma, the darling of last season, is a bit player this time around. She opines that Ed is terrifically good looking. And he is, I’ll grant you. But he’s as dull as a board. Glenn, the dad, says, “Obviously there’s been a little bit of magic happening here.” Uh, not so much, dad. But dad doesn’t need to find out about the fantasy suite misfire just yet.

Ed tells the family that he was married to his jahb, tells them how he left Jillian and that he could naht stahp thinking about this woman. They sat and nodded, pretending to understand his midwestern dialect.

Then Ma Peggy rattles off a bunch of written out questions. Jillian certainly comes by her job interview style of dating honestly. We learn that Ed wants to have three kids, he sees themselves retired in Hawaii in 30 or 40 years, and that if you have honesty and love between two people, nothing can go wrong in a relationship. I guess we can take from this that Ed doesn’t really have a girlfriend back in Chi-town. I guess we’ll eventually find out. Regardless, Peg is pleased with Ed’s dull, rehearsed answers.

Yes, we get hints that Ed might be the one when Jillian says she’s not scared of engagement with him or a proposal. In fact, she’s excited about it. Go figure. Still, there's way more excitement with Kiptyn.

Ed then sucks up to Glenn by asking him how he’d feel if he (Ed) asked him to marry his daughter. Glenn says he’d be so happy he’d be doing somersaults. My stomach is doing somersaults at the thought of Jillian picking this ho-hum hunk.

Then the family invites Ed for a faux-hula dance. They all dress up in grass skirts and coconut shell boobies. Oh what fun. Ed says he’d love to be part of that family. But remember his parents? The Harris clan must seem exotic compared to the Swiderskis. You heard me. Swiderski. Jillian Swiderski. Rolls right off the tongue, don’t it?

Next up is Kiptyn, whom Jillian can’t wait to hug and kiss. Way, way more chemistry (i.e. tonsil hockey a-plenty). They didn’t show this kind of action with Ed which led us to believe it wasn’t there. But it must have been. There must have been something there besides what we saw with Ed. For their sake, I hope there was.

I loved Peggy’s line: “There’s excitement today knowing that Jill is bringing home another guy.” What a liberal family.

Jillian says Kip is a guy she can picture spending the rest of her life with... if he aces this day. And he does. With flying colours.

Peggy nabs Kiptyn for the same questions. We learn that Kiptyn wants at least two kids, that communication is if not number one, then really close to it, and that he visualizes his and Jill’s relationship in 30 or 40 years as best friends. Peg thinks Kiptyn is more like Jillian. They have a similar energy. She thinks he seems like a free spirit. That right there tells you just how dull Ed is. Only Ed could make a tight ass like Kiptyn seem like a free spirit.

Grandma weighs in: Kiptyn is “very, very, very, very nice.” Okay, someone put grandma away. She’s done for the episode.

Glenn asks Kiptyn if he’s in love. Kiptyn starts talking as a way to avoid the question. “I’m getting there a lot quicker than I thought I would,” he says. “I can see myself with Jill. She’s incredible. I can see myself marrying her.” He says he’d never propose without being sure. Dad says that if you can win over his daughter, you’ve got a partner for life. I believe that. I think the world of Jillian. All along, though, I’ve questioned her taste in men (and music). And tonight only confirmed that. Still, she’d make a great partner.

Then we get more scenes of them making out. She says, “When we’re together, I just never want him to leave.” Man, I thought at the time, if she picks Ed he is not going to like seeing this. No wonder these relationships rarely work out. The couple has to stay apart until the airing of the series and by that time they see their future wife shacking up with all the other guys.

Now Jillian gets some alone time with her family to pick their brains about the two guys. Peggy is drawn to Kiptyn’s energy. She thought Ed seemed quite in control and reserved. Boring is the word you’re looking for, mum. Glenn says they’re both gentlemen. Jill’s cousin seemed to like Kiptyn a lot better. Glenn thought Ed was deeper. Yeah, insipid people can often appear to be deep.

Then Jill takes her cousin out back to fill her in on the overnight dates. The cousin listens silently, either completely shocked at her loose cousin or just shocked that she’d be admitting it all to the world. Jillian says there was passion with Kiptyn and she wanted to rip his clothes off. She says it wasn’t there with Ed. And so, once again, we’re led to believe Ed is toast. But apparently Jillian likes dry whitebread toast.

Ed is back, this time with a different pink shirt. Okay, Ed, we get it, you’re comfortable with your sexuality. Bully for you. He piles it on with Jillian. She remarks on the beautiful scenery and he’s in her face telling her she’s beautiful. What a suck.

Hey look! A helicopter! Did not see that coming. The couple fly over a volcano which is spewing more than Ed did the other night.

On the ground, Ed tells Jillian that she looks really haht in the rain. Well, she is from Vancouver. She’s had lots of practice.

Ed gives her the it’s-tough-for-me-to-open-up speech. Uh, Ed, you were the only guy to utter those three little words to Jillian in the personal video. Nice try. This guy is all about rehearsed speeches. Jejune ones at that.

They kiss but it really looks to me like he’s feeling them more than she is. Maybe I just don’t want to see it. He tells her, “I will never leave you again.” God, he’s like a junior high Casanova.

He then invites Jillian back to “his” place. “I want tonight to be the perfect night. I’m ready to take this to the next level.” I hope he remembered the Cialis.

Again, he tells her, “I would like to be with you forever.” God, he’s cloying. As they lie on the bed, her body language is not suggesting that this is the guy. She just lies there placid. She’s not even wrapping her legs around him. You know it’s a bad sign when the patented Harris leg-wrap isn’t there.

We never find out how this evening to remember went. Did she rip his clothes off? Was there passion? Could Ed get it up? Instead, we’re on to Kiptyn.

More intense kisses for Kiptyn. And what’s more, she tells us she’s in love with Kiptyn. Remember that later when she tells him at the altar that she’s fallen in love with somebody else.

They paddle a surfboard to a private beach for a picnic. Kiptyn’s got more of a ripped body than Ed, that’s for sure. Ed, at 29, is starting to show a little pudge. And you only need to look at his dad to peer into his future. That Chicago diet doesn’t do wonders for a boy’s figure.

Jillian is doing all the moves with Kiptyn that aren’t there with Ed. She even straddles him on the surfboard. That’s what I’m talking about!

Now it’s Kiptyn’s turn for the lame speech, in his case the I-move-slower-than-other-people- in-this-process talk. He says he’d be really hurt if he lost her, and Jillian’s eyes light up. All this time she was worried that Kiptyn never had his heart broken. He was always the dumper, not the dumpee. This was the beginning of the end for Kiptyn. He tells her he’s falling in love with her, he’s ready to commit, he wants her to move down to San Diego and meet all his friends. But Jillian has other thoughts. She must do this for all women.

On the morning of the final rose ceremony, a camera is there to greet Jillian as she arises from her bed. That’s a little creepy, no? Is someone in there watching her sleep?

Her thoughts on the two gentlemen are that Kiptyn is the perfect package for her, yet she loves Ed’s aura and energy. She obviously mixed up the message her mom gave her. Peggy loved Kiptyn’s energy.

Jillian also says here that she “definitely love[s] both guys, 100 percent.” So what’s this nonsense about her falling in love with another guy (Ed)? She loves them both.

We see and hear the bachelors. Kiptyn jogs pigeon-toed along the beach, saying he wants to be the last man standing with Jillian by his side. Ed sees them being husband and wife. Kiptyn and Ed both shop for rings at the same shop. What a coincky-dink!

Ed says he would be devastated if Jillian didn’t pick him and he’s never been this in love in his life. His girlfriends back home in Chicago won’t be too thrilled with that.

Jillian walks the plank to her spot. We know ahead of time that the first guy is a goner because she’s telling us that she’s got to tell him he’s incredible but not the one. Kiptyn steps from the limo and I'm flummoxed. Damn you, producers! Why do you trifle with our emotions like that?

But Kiptyn is oblivious. They greet. She smiles. He tells her how nervous and excited he is. Stop talking, Kiptyn. Please. C’mon, Jillian, interrupt him for once. This is the equivalent of DeAnna letting Jason get down on one knee. It’s painful. He keeps talking. Shut up, already! “I don’t know what to say... I love you and I want to spend this life with you.” You idiot!

Finally Jillian speaks. She tells him how incredible he is, he’s all the things she’s always dreamed of. Now the tears start and Kiptyn gets a clue something’s not right. “I’ve fallen in love with somebody else.” Liar!

Okay, that’s technically true, but that shouldn’t discount the love she said she felt for Kiptyn. She should just tell him the truth, that she needs a karaoke-singing hunky nerd with no personality to offset her magnetism and larger-than-life personality. And Kiptyn was just too much free spirit for her.

Kiptyn says it hurts a lot, but “I’m a man and I’ll have to get through this.” He wants her to be happy. They embrace. “You’re incredible and Ed’s a lucky man.” Is he ever.

Jill sees him to the limo. Kiptyn says – and this is key – “I’ve never had my heart broken before.” She got you! She got you good! Now you’re finally perfect, Kiptyn. Ironically, she can’t have you. This is a real O. Henry story.

As Jill is focussing all her energy on Ed, a cab rolls up. Who could it be? Someone in sneakers has crashed the party. Why, look, it’s Reid! Here he comes to save the day! Oh, please, Lord, let him save the day.

Chris Harrison tells Reid that he doesn’t have much time because Ed is on his way. So out he goes to see Jillian. “Oh... my... God,” says Jillian. She looks happy. And surprised. As they hug, she looks extremely worried, like she’s thinking ahead to what she must do.

“I had to come back,” he tells her. Reid pulls an Ed on Ed! Priceless. “I was an idiot this entire time. I know you felt how I felt. I came back to tell you that, and to tell you that I love you and hopefully you feel the same way,” he says with rising intonation on the last word, like it’s a question.

“Oh, my God,” says Jillian. “I don’t know what to think right now. Letting you go was the hardest thing I had to do.” Uh, remember Kiptyn? Hello? That was about, what, 15 minutes ago?

“I had a pit in my stomach the last few days,” he tells her. “The last time I had a feeling like that was when I was in love. I told you I like you this much; I love you this much.”

He also tells her that he doesn’t see her with either Ed or Kiptyn. “I only see you with me.” So do I, Reid, so do I. Unfortunately, Chris Harrison doesn’t want it to be.

Reid gets down on one knee and kind of proposes. “I love you and you’re somebody I could spend the rest of my life with.” She smiles. Then heaves a sigh with a furrowed brow. She gets him up. “I don’t know,” she says. “I have missed you so much, but I need to think about this.”

“What is there to think about?” Reid asks.

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” She’s tormented. “Let me think about this. And wait for me, okay?” She smiles.

While she was back in the house thinking, I was hoping Ed would show up and the two boys would duke it out. Instead Chris Harrison plants seeds in her head, leading her to choose the dull one over funny Reid.

Jillian: “How am I supposed to make a decision?”
Chris: “It’s still up to you. If you are in love with Ed, you can stand by your convictions. But are you in love with Reid?”
Jillian: “How is somebody supposed to make a decision like this?”
Chris: “Because you know, right? Are you excited about the prospect of Ed proposing?”
Jillian: “Yes.”
Chris: “Then there’s no question what you need to do.”

No, no, no! There’s plenty of question, Chris! Of course she was excited about Ed proposing. She had made her decision between the two dull guys and the duller one won out. That feeling doesn’t just disappear in a matter of minutes. That’s no reason to send her out there to give Reid the boot.

Jillian says, “I know my heart is with Ed.” Dumb girl. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I think Jillian felt more a sense of responsibility to Ed than anything. “I still don’t know what to think,” she tells Reid. “You’re not crazy. We do have that connection. It’s fun and it’s what I was looking for. And it was hard to let you go. I guess I just... I don’t know. I love the situation I’m in. I really, truly have fallen in love with somebody since. I can’t let him go now.” And there you have it. She is loyal, that girl.

Reid says, “It just doesn’t make sense.”

“This is not easy. At all. That’s why I was trying to get you to open up.”

Okay, but now he has. Don’t let Ed ruin this season for me, you selfish little harlot!

“Some people are better [at it] than others,” Reid explains about his reluctance to open up. “I was trying but my fears got in my way.”

She then talks into his shoulder, thanking him for what he did. I needed subtitles to catch all she said. None were forthcoming.

He gets in the cab and completes his drive of shame. Reid says he has no regrets about going back and professing his love.

Jillian says, “I know for sure now, 110 percent, that Ed is the person I want to be with.” Whatever. Then, on the altar (or whatever that platform is), “Ed better not fucking disappoint me.” Why not? He disappointed me long ago.

With all this drama unfolding, and Kiptyn completely out of the picture, it made me think of Farrah Fawcett, who would never know that Michael Jackson would die just hours after her. Kiptyn in the role of Farrah, while Reid played Jacko.

“Ed is the person I’m meant to be with. I can see him in my life long term. Forever. Fifty years down the road. We are best friends. We have that laughter. We have that spark and that chemistry.” Uh, need I remind you of the fantasy suite? I think Ed won her over the night he got drunk and was a loveable lush. No doubt he’d be more forgiving of her drunken episodes than uptight Kiptyn.

Ed arrives and starts in on another rehearsed speech. Blah, blah, blah. I’m not even paying attention. Dullsville, daddy-o. What a huge disappointment. “I love you so much,” he says. Blech.

He gets down on one knee. “I wanna be with you forever. I want you to give me a hard time when we’re 80 years old. Jillian, will you marry me?”

“Absolutely!” she squeals, and does the patented Harris leg-wrap.

A musical montage plays over video of Jillian and Ed: “They say, they say that love don’t come easy...”

Nah, that would have been too perfect.

Take a look at last week's poll, over there on the left: Who will get the final rose? I asked. Sixty-one percent of you said Reid. Thirty percent said Kiptyn. Only seven percent said Ed. Sure, only 13 people voted, but I think that's representative. At least, I choose to believe it.

I have come full circle on this season. Jillian remains one of my all-time favourites, but I started out thinking this was the worst season ever. Then it grew on me. I liked enough of the players and things got going. Guys came and went (and didn’t come). We had David the psycho, Wes the cad, Jake the hero, Tanner the foot freak. Good stuff. Sure, she got rid of Reid in the penultimate episode, but we all knew he was coming back. With two dullards left, he was a cinch to sweep Jillian off her beautiful feet. And then... and then... she chooses Ed, who fits his name like nobody else. What can I say?

Worst. Season. Ever.

Case closed.

I can only hope that with the passage of time to real time tomorrow night Jillian pulls her own version of a Mesnick and professes her love for Reid. I'm not holding my breath.

And to make matters even worse, Kiptyn will most likely be the next Bachelor. Snore.