Week Eight: The Women Tell All About Rozlyn

This train just keeps chugging along. Here we are in week eight, with the end in sight. Tonight is the always entertaining Women Tell All episode. The two everyone wants to hear from are the stunningly beautiful Wrong Reason Rozlyn, who entered into an “inappropriate relationship” with a show producer, and Unbalanced Michelle, whose mom needs grandkids stat. Sure, we’ll want to hear from the sweet southern Ella Belle and the phoney baloney Gia Pet, but they’re after-thoughts. No doubt we’ll get endless highlight packages. Oh yeah, and Former Front Runner Ali. I’m sure I’ve forgotten some more crazies.

Before I fire up the PVR, I should recap last week’s poll numbers. After a high of 39 votes last week, our numbers slipped, which is odd because the blog hits were at an all-time high last week, almost doubling the regular numbers. Is that a testament to the uninspiring finalists, or to my boring poll question? Dunno. But here are the numbers: Dumb Divorced Tenley was by far the favourite with 11 votes (44%). Spoiled Vienna was way back with only 3 votes (12%). You gotta admire the tenacity of her family. They’re here every week giving her her only votes. The rest of the votes, 11 (44%), went to the category “Ditch them both”. The last time somebody did that (the only time? I can’t keep track) there was outrage from the citizenry. If it happened this time, I think we’d all be okay with it. Wouldn’t we?

Oh, yeah, the show. No point in doing a play-by-play because the first half was so dull. This show – hell, this series – could cut back an hour every week and we wouldn’t miss a thing. Tonight there were endless recaps and highlights, a mini-feature on former contestants cruising for lust. Is it any wonder they’re all still single the way they carry on? Hmm, maybe that’s a Catch-22. Why saddle yourself with a life partner when you know there are going to be these shallow, decadent meat markets every year?

At least that was more fun that the feel-good clips about how The Bachelor gives back to the community. Some of the former contestants painted posters with kids, who must have been beside themselves with glee getting to spend time with people they’ve never seen or heard of before. Then others are giving stuff to schools, handing over giant cheques to lesbian celebrities and handing out food at foodbanks. Do the down-and-out really want to be identified on national television like that? I may be cynical, but it reminds me of the bogus NBA Cares program, where the athletes are shown helping out in the community for the exact duration we see them on screen. I can just imagine both the athletes and the Bachelor folks asking the cameramen, “You got that? Good. I’m outta here.”

Also, don’t these people live all over the map? And are Ali and Ed the only ones in the history of the series to have job commitments? How is it they can all gather in one place all the time for philanthropy and orgies?

The real reason we watch this particular episode every season is to hear the bitching. That’s it. Is there any need to bring 14 of them out when we only really want to hear from a few of them? Really, who is Emily? Who is Channy? There’s no reason for them to be there. Yeah, yeah, Channy was the one with the self-described landing strip, but when one line is your claim to fame, just play the line in the endless highlights and save the show some money by leaving her at home. Even Classy Corrie, who we actually know and remember, got no time tonight. I’d at least like to have heard if she’s lost her virginity.

The next best thing about these episodes is the stuff we didn’t get to see. Don’t you always wonder why not? The bloopers make them all look like real people. Why does the series have to have a soap opera feel to it? Show them farting and goofing around during the rest of the season, too. There were some good lines about Dumb Divorced Tenley we hadn’t heard before. One of them said she fell out of a Disney movie. Gia Pet said she shits rainbows. And Spoiled Vienna said she dreams in cartoons. All solid lines.

The most fun was the train wreck that is Wrong Reason Rozlyn. Gone was the stunning beauty. She was replaced by a defensive, seemingly strung out on drugs ugly woman. Not her best moment. But even so, Chris went over the line when he called her a 10,000-pound elephant.

The segment where she faced her accusers was riveting, but suspicious. Did they know it would go like that? Why not just have her on the panel with all the other girls instead of sequestering her away until it was time to hear the case against? But they bring her out and she waves to all the girls. They stare back icily. I’m one not to rush to judgment and I think the truth is usually somewhere in the middle, so let’s rehash the case for and against:

The Case Against

• Gia says Rozlyn wasn’t in her bed at night. Something definitely went on.
• Ashleigh says they all witnessed stuff, like cuddling and kissing on the forehead.
• Jessie saw her on top of the producer on the stairs making out. She swears on her dog’s life.
• Ella saw her on all fours on the couch with her butt in the air wearing short shorts, asking someone to send the producer in because she needed to be put to bed.
• Christina says they all saw her cuddling the guy 24/7.
• Valishia says she woke up at 4 a.m. and Rozlyn was not in the room so she looked all over the house for her, with no success.
• Her relationship with the producer has continued.
• The producer has since gone to Rozlyn’s hometown with his dad.

The Case For

• The girls are all so silly.
• Come on.
• Rozlyn swears on her child’s life.
• She never bashed the other girls. They were all so beautiful.
• Ella had a massage once.
• Chris hit on the producer’s wife in New Zealand.

Hmm. Tough one. I’ll have to retire to my chambers to mull this one over...

Okay, I’m back. Guilty as charged.

Rozlyn’s best defense (when not pulling a Ross Perot-as-played-by-Dana Carvey: “Excuse me, if you’re gonna ask me a question, let me answer!”) was that there are cameras all over the place and, as she said, “you somehow missed the biggest scandal of the season?” I think that’s curious, too. But not completely unexplainable. As Chris said, they don’t shoot 24/7. There are no hidden cameras. And surely a producer would know when the cameras would be rolling.

Throughout it all, Crazy Roz looked on at the other girls in mock horror and outrage. Even if she wasn’t, the whole segment was a thing of beauty. At the very least it will make me sit up and take notice next season when they have another reunion feature. I want to keep tabs on her. I think she and Michelle should get their own show.

Gia has a turn in the hotseat. What did we learn? Nothing other than she’s not a very good actress. Was she even a serious contender? Sure, she was top three, but only because the whole field was so weak.

Unbalanced Michelle seemed just as beautifully unbalanced as ever. She wasn’t playing games when she threatened to leave the show a few times but she was shocked when Jake asked her to leave. Chris tried a couple of different approaches but she just kept contradicting herself and talking in circles. She said you can’t find love on the show. Really, Michelle? Seriously? What about Trista and Ryan? Huh? And what about... well, Trista and Ryan have a couple of kids now. What about that? Is that not love?... And look at those reunion cruise parties... Okay, point taken. But Ali disagrees. She fell in love. And I don’t think she was talking about her boss, who she chose over Jake.

Speaking of Ali, if she’s not the next Bachelorette, I’ll eat my edible hat. She’s a crowd favourite and is still smitten with Jake. And she so wants to be America’s sweetheart that she apologized publicly to Spoiled Vienna. Vienna’s a person, too, don’t forget. We should all lay off her. There. Now can Ali please get the job? We love her again.

She actually made a good point. I’m sure some will ridicule it but it’s something I’ve thought many a time about this show. She said she kinda felt like if the love were real, what difference does it make if she leaves the show or not? If he really loved her, he would find her. That is faultless logic. The kind of faultless logic that will see to it you’re single the rest of your life, but faultless none the less.

Jake comes out. He’s just so bland I don’t see what the fuss is about. His heart was crying when he sent Gia home. He was waiting for Ali to jump out of a moving limo to run back to him on broken ankles. Ali was all verklempt. Kathryn whines about not being given enough of a chance. Yes, I laughed, too. And he hinted that there are more tough moments to come. Since there’s only one more episode left, we can only guess at what we’ve been guessing for weeks now – that he chooses no one. In the upcoming highlights, we see him pulling a Jake by copying himself from last season and bending over a railing and crying. We also see what looks like the two finalists at the rose ceremony looking horrified, as in they’re getting dumped.

Just think. Only one more week and we’re done with this merry band of losers. And then it’s just a matter of time until Ali quits her precious job to come back into the limelight and save us from a wasted season.

See you next week. Vote in the poll!

Week Seven: Down goes Ali!

With the excitement of the NBA all-star weekend abated, I can now give my full concentration to this week’s episode of The Bachelor. Oh, yeah, and there’s the Winter Olympics happening all around us here in Vancouver. But how much moguls can a guy watch? Granted, it is funny when a guy bumping down the mountain falls down, but that gets old in a hurry.

So it’s back to Jake and his ladies. We had record numbers in our poll this week (I use the royal ‘we’ because we’re all in this together). As of 6 pm Monday (PST), we had a whopping 39 votes in the poll asking for your favourite. Here’s the breakdown: Dumb Divorced Tenley received by far the most votes of the remaining three, with 18 (or 46% of the vote). Spoiled Vienna’s family was back this week to give her 3 votes (7%), while the former ugly duckling-cum-soft porn model Gia Pet also got 3 votes. But 15 votes (38%) went to ‘None of the above’. You know things are bad when the show can’t even manufacture interest in more than one remaining contestant.

On a side note, I came across this British video showing just how misleading editing can be on reality TV. It’s worth a look, even though The Bachelor isn’t mentioned. It's very enlightening:

Our other question in the poll was whether or not you thought Former Front Runner Ali would make a triumphant return to the show, after pulling an Ed and going back to her mind-numbing job as a sales rep at Facebook (those sales rep jobs are hard to come by, I know). Out of a total of 38 votes, 29 people thought she’d be back: 15 (39%) said definitely and 16 (42%) said ‘I sure hope so’. On the negative side, 6 (15%) said, ‘Nope, that ship has sailed’, while 1 (2%) rudely voted ‘Good riddance’. That’s a fine how-do-you-do for the Former Front Runner.

That’s the big question this week: Will she or won’t she? According to the upcoming highlights last week, Ali gives Jake a call on his exotic vacation with the three remaining gals. Her leaving struck me as a ploy on her part to test Jake, because she certainly doesn’t have the kind of glamourous and rare job that she should care about losing. As much as I think she’d be the one for Jake, I’m not confident he even knows what he wants or needs. Either way, I’m hoping he calls her bluff and tells her not to come back.

But enough chit-chat. Let’s get on with the show!:

SEGMENT 1: They are in Saint Lucia. There’s a great upcoming highlight of the episode where Gia sounds sloshed. I had to rewind the tape twice to hear what she said. Oh how I hope she really is wasted!

Other than that, though, this first segment was a total waste of network airtime. We “learn” what he thinks of all the girls and how wonderful they make him feel and all that. I say “learn” because we already know this. They treat each episode as if they’re attracting millions of new viewers so they always feel the need to recap like crazy. Hey, just get on with it, producers. The late-comers will pick up the pieces as we move along.

What was interesting, though, was that even though Former Front Runner Ali left the show, she still sleeps with a full camera crew. We see her in bed back in San Francisco. She’s heartbroken without Jake -- even with that amazing sales job (or “advertising account manager” as they pad it on the show). She said she chose her job over Jake because she was scared. Only she calls it a “career”. Whatever. But without love, she can’t sleep. Uh, Ali, maybe it’s due to the whole production crew standing around your bedroom filming you.

She also says she can’t focus on her work and every day she’s away from him, her heart breaks a little bit more. Yes, Facebook bosses, this is exactly the kind of employee you need! Demanding her back at work (if that’s really how it went down) could only have backfired. What were you thinking? There’s no upside to what they did. You want your employees to be happy and not resent you. If you, dear reader, don’t already hate Facebook for constantly needlessly updating their site, hate them for this.

Ali says she’s going to fight for him. Uh, honey, you’re the one who left. This makes absolutely no sense. She tells him she loves him. She seems to want him more than any of the other girls. She pulls a lame excuse out of her butt as a way to let him know she might leave, hoping he tells her to stay and that she's the only one for him. She then leaves, but makes sure the camera crew follows her home to the streets of San Francisco. Then she says she’s going to fight for him? Now I really hope he tells her to take a hike.

SEGMENT 2: Jake and Gia go to Pigeon Island. He thinks something is holding her back and it might be her past relationships with millionaire athletes. Hmm, could be, Jakester. But Gia claims to be ga-ga in love. She gets butterflies in her stomach just thinking about him. I don’t want to make sweeping generalization about all New York models and claim they all do blow, but if that’s the case (and I’m not saying it is, understand), maybe on this drug-free televised journey, she’s finally allowing herself to feel actual human emotions. Because she really does look smitten. I’m starting to fall for her myself. Sure, maybe it has something to do with the photos I posted of her last week, but so be it.

SEGMENT 3: Gia Pet and Jake are about to turn Smuggler’s Cove into Snuggler’s Cove, if Jake’s faith-based dating is true to form. Nothing more than that going down in the fantasy suite, I bet.

On a torch-lit dinner on the beach, Jake says he loves how deep Gia is, even more than her drop-dead beauty. It doesn’t help that she’s wearing a diamond-encrusted tiara. There’s a funny moment when Jake is telling her he’ll take care of her even if she doesn’t take care of him and he feels she’s probably the same way. She responds with an uncommital, “Yeah, I see what you’re saying.” But she, in turn, loves how deep Jake is. The millionaire athletes she usually dates couldn’t say half of what Jake’s laying out there right now. Uh, maybe because they don’t have to. They’re millionaire athletes! The world is their oyster. We are here to serve them and not vice versa.

Swinging over the ocean in an oversize hammock, Jake feels it’s time to lay down the fantasy suite card. And of the three remaining bachelorettes, she’d be the one most guys would want to spend the night with. (I say “most guys” in a transparent move to distance that wish from myself because I’m a happily married man who’d never even look twice at another woman.) Gia, not surprisingly, says, “I’m ready to go all the way.” Seriously! Awesome. Clothes are littering the floor and they get in a bath. But fear not, Gia is wearing a bathing suit. What else did you expect from a swimsuit model? Does Jake tap that thang? I’m not sure if he’s a proponent of sex before marriage, but he’d be a fool not to.

In the upcoming highlights, we see Jake telling Ali to get on a plane and get to the island right now. Thanks, producers! You know, I go out of my way in this little corner of The Bachelor universe to be a spoiler-free zone, and they constantly spoil as much as they can themselves.

SEGMENT 4: In Rodney Bay, Dumb Divorced Tenley greets Jake. Jake’s got that afterglow mixed with shame from the night before. They go flying. But not just any old flying. They are going in... wait for it... a HELICOPTER! Woo-hoo!!! That never gets old... Oh wait a second. Yes, it does. I always get those mixed up.

Tenley is falling in love, but she can’t let herself fall all the way in love until she knows that he values marriage as much as she does. Like, you know, so much so that he'll feel confident enough to laze around on the couch all day and not budge when she walks in the door after a hard day’s work. That kind of value. When she makes a commitment, she sticks to it, she says. So no matter how bored she is with you, Jake, you can guarantee she’ll be there when you get home from work. She won’t get up for you, but she’ll be there.

Of the final three, she is the most natural of beauties. Gia’s had work and Vienna ain’t all that hot to begin with. But Tenley is just a striking woman. As they’re making out on the beach, she tells us in voice-over that she hasn’t been with another man since her divorce and she isn’t sure she’s ready to take the leap of faith that the fantasy suite would bring with it. If you know what I mean. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

SEGMENT 5: At dinner, Dumb Divorced Tenley wears big hoop earrings. I’m a sucker for those. If Spoiled Vienna wore them I’d probably be sucked in to her wicked ways, too. Tenley tells us she’s glad Jake wants to take things slow, not quite getting that that might not be a positive. She mentions her ex-husband again, saying he’s the only guy she’s ever spent the night with. Jake, meanwhile, really hopes she feels safe enough to move the relationship forward with him. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

As they stare into each other’s eyes, Tenley again drops the divorce line, but says her ex is really in the past. No really. Seriously, now. That’s the reason she keeps talking about her first marriage and ex-husband because she’s so over them. She lets him know she’s falling in love with him, which makes her really excited. Now’s the time to slip her the card, Jakey boy.

But no, Jake leads Tenley from the table, up the stairs and dances barefoot with her. It was at this point, she says, that she realized she wants to dance with him forever. And by “dance”, you know what she means. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

God, are they miking their lips? Those are the loudest kisses. We don’t need to hear that.

Jake hands the card over and says he's really excited about it. But he lets her read it. Why do they go through this charade every time? If the cards were different each season, I’d understand. But they’ve been the same from the beginning of time. She reads the card and without a second of a pause she says, “I want every second that I can have with you so I would love to stay with you tonight.” After all that, we find out she's all talk. Somewhere, her ex-husband is breathing a sigh of relief. But still, what a letdown. What happened to her values?! The slut!

But she says it’s all about trust and she hopes he sees that she’s committed to moving forward with him and having a future with him. Uh, Tenley, dearest, you know he was just with a swimsuit model last night, right? Trust is a two-way street.

As she plays the old line about this not being something she usually does (going to a room alone with a guy), Jake says, without a hint of irony or sarcasm, that he just loves her values and her morals. Then they proceed to make out in the pool.

SEGMENT 6: Now it’s Vienna time. He says he needs that “fun, light, almost immature side”. True to form, the Spoiled one says she’s never been in love before but is falling in love now. So, to recap for any new viewers and readers, this is a girl who was engaged to be married to her pastor’s son. When he broke it off, she was so shattered she married another guy just to get back at her ex. But she says she’s never been in love before. Nice.

They have full run of the ship used in in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean. Jake dons an eye patch and closes the wrong eye (i.e. the exposed one). They strip down and Vienna reveals a lower abdomen tattoo just like Gia. I think that signifies she’s rounded Cape Horn. If you know what I mean. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

More goofing around and Jake puts a rag over his head, grabs a fake sword and forces Vienna off the plank. He follows and they swim to shore. Vienna says she’s just a happy person who loves to smile and laugh. Jake loves how comfortable they are together. But tonight he has to learn if there’s more to her behind that empty smile. Is there substance to her heart? We’ll find out right after the break.

SEGMENT 7: Vienna had a great day, but tonight she’s scared because she knows she’s not the only girl on Saint Lucia with him. (That’d be sloppy thirds.) But she’s going to go out on a limb (as opposed to a plank) and tell him how she feels. She tells him she doesn’t want kids for a few years. He asks if she’s ready to be married, and she responds, “Absolutely.” And we know she doesn’t just fall into marriage lightly. She takes it very seriously. She has to really love someone to consider marriage. Either that or do it out of spite.

Now this is odd. At dinner, Jake quizzes her on what type of ring she likes. Why would he do this? I can think of three reasons: 1. She’s the new front-runner in his mind, 2. He’s toying with her, or 3. He did this with everyone else and they’re just showing us this time just to piss us off. She asks if he could see her as his wife and he says yes. What else is he going to say? But at least he tells her that he’s fallen for the other two, too. So she lays it all on the line. “I’ve fallen in love with you,” she says before managing to scare up some crocodile tears to really sell it. But Jake eats it up. He loves her “brutal honesty”.

With that, he hands her the card. Gee, I wonder what it says. Oh, get this: she gets an invitation to the fantasy suite. Ha! Who knew?! She agrees they need some “alone time”. (That’d be sexual intercourse.) Hope her dad isn’t watching. He’s going to be jealous.

SEGMENT 8: Here’s the phone call we all knew was coming. It’s Ali. There’s a camera on her, naturally, because this isn’t planned at all. She says she’s a mess. “I know that I made the wrong choice and I want to come back. I just really, really would hate to think that because of my fear and my mistake we would never find out if we were really a match,” she says. Blah, blah, blah. Let her go, dude. But we know he’s going to tell her to get on a plane and come to Saint Lucia.

Or does he?! Oh, those sneaky editors and producers. Here’s the full quote: “Everything about me wants to say get on a plane and come here right now but I’m falling in love with these women that are here. I have to just go with my heart.... I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” Yay, Jake! If she’s not going to put out in the fantasy suite, she doesn’t deserve to be back in the picture.

Ali is crestfallen. She just didn’t realize it would all change so quickly. Foiled again with your mind-games, Ali. Let that be a lesson (and a cautionary tale for any game-players out there watching). But fret not, Ali fans, she’s a shoe-in for the next Bachelorette.

Now she looks like a total wreck crying to the camera about the horrible decision she made. Oh well. See you in the cubicle first thing Tuesday morning, Ali! You can console yourself in the fact you still have a dream job. Maybe someone will bring in doughnuts to help take the sting away. And tell you what, take 20 minutes instead of 15 for your coffee break.

SEGMENT 9: In his sit-down with Chris, Jake shows his loyalty to the three remaining girls with a bit of a shot aimed at Ali: “I was falling in love with Ali. Everything in me wanted her back but I just didn’t feel like it was the right thing to do. The three women I have remaining here, they’re still here. They didn’t leave. I’m sure they have things they’re worrying about at home but they didn’t leave.” Well put. Of course, it doesn’t help that two of the three left are hopelessly ill-suited to be your wife, but that’s beside the point. They stuck it out.

In this conversation, it might be telling that he says he’s falling in love with both Tenley and Vienna, but doesn’t say that about Gia. But he has connected with each of these women, he says. (That’d be sexual intercourse.) He’s not ready to send one of them packing just yet. Maybe the “very private, personal” video message they've each made will make things easier.

SEGMENT 10: Tenley’s video says, “Hey Jake, never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be standing here today falling in love with you after such heartbreak...” (if you recall, she was previously married and it didn’t work out)... “You’ve brought so much back into my life...” (that’d be sexual intercourse)... “knowing that I can fall in love and dream again. I came here to meet this incredible man and you’ve exceeded my expectations. There’s just so many things that I adore about you and it makes me look forward to a future of travelling the world with you and exploring new adventures, and having babies with you. I love all those moments that we’ve shared along this journey. I love our kisses. There are so many of 'em and I can’t wait for a lifetime of more. But when you kiss me I feel so adored and I feel appreciated for all that I am. And when we dance together, I dream of dancing with you forever. I believe that we can have that fairytale ending that I’ve never had before and I’m definitely falling in love with you and I hope that you’re falling in love with me, too.”

Gia’s video says, “So here we are. We’ve come so far. And I think you are an incredible person. And I have an amazing time with you. Every day we hang out, every second shared I feel like we grow with one another. It’s been very hard for me to open up but I have a lot. And I only do that for someone that I’m falling in love with. And I can honestly say to you right now that I am falling in love with you. And I love being with you. And I really hope that we have more time to grow with each other, to open up to one another. And I never want to let you go. I love hugging you and I love being with you. I miss you.” And I love how she talks like a ten-year-old writing a school paper beginning each sentence with “and”. That’s so endearing.

Vienna’s video says, “Hi sweetheart. You know, since the moment I stepped out of that limo and I met you, I knew you were going to be the man of my dreams. This has been a really long and tough journey but you’ve been worth every moment of it. I love that I can be myself when I’m with you. I want to wake up in your arms the rest of my life. And I want to flirt with you for the next eighty years because I’m completely in love with you. You mean the world to me. And I can’t wait to be your wife. You’re everything to me.”

If he is just going by those presentations, it’s gotta be Gia Pet that gets booted. She was guarded with both her words and her emotions while Tenley and Vienna laid it all right out there. We’ll see.

SEGMENT 11: The three amigas line up in Rodney Bay waiting for a rose. But only two will get one. One will be going home. Jake tells them he’s fallen in love with all three of them and would be happy to marry any one of them but he’s there to find that one special girl and that’s what’s getting him through this.

He picks up the first rose. It goes to Tenley. (I wrote that before he said it!)

He picks up the second and last rose. It goes to Vienna. (I didn’t write that before he said it because Gia was looking so happy, so giddy.)

Gia doesn’t look all that upset. But she’s been through this before with her millionaire athlete boyfriends. But now she’s crying. And I can’t stop staring at her upper lip. Not only because of the sweat forming there but because it just looks so weird. There’s no way she hasn’t had some kind of work done on it. She should sue.

In the limo, she says she was shocked and feels crushed. Jake is just happy he finally made her cry.

And that’s it for another week. Next week is the ladies tell all episode, or whatever it’s called. Can’t wait to see lovely psychotic Michelle again!!!

Week Six: Ali pulls a rope-a-dope

Welcome back to our little corner of the vast Bachelor universe. Can you believe another week has come and gone?

First off, let’s recap last week’s poll. It was a runaway success for Dumb Divorced Tenley. She received 19 of the 29 votes (a whopping 65 percent). Now, granted, the wording in the question was a little different. I didn’t ask who your favourite was; I asked who the best match for Jake was. But I think the numbers would have been the same regardless. She’s a sweet, beautiful person, inside and out. At least, that’s what we’re seeing. We all know she has a lazy, jaded side to her persona. She didn’t even get her butt up off the couch when her husband came home from a hard day’s work. (And thanks for that info, now whenever my wife comes home she expects me to bound up and greet her at the door. Expects. Key word.)

Former Front Runner Ali was way back in second place, receiving 7 votes (24 percent). Which goes to show you people love to bitch and complain about contestants, but the contestants themselves should try to remain above the fray. Just be a sweet, easygoing (some would say lazy) angel like Tenley (or Jillian and Deanna before her) and you’re guaranteed at least a shot as the next Bachelorette. Back of the pack in the poll was Gia Pet, who had three fans out there. And no surprise, Spoiled Vienna received no love from my readers. Apparently her family has given up on this blog. Their loss.

One drawback to being on the west coast is the late start time, made even later because Monday is usually my basketball night. But thanks to the Winter Olympics here in Vancouver, our weekly run has been cancelled this month. So I’m able to watch the episode in real time and hopefully get this puppy up relatively quickly. Of course, those in the eastern time zones have already finished watching and I see some are already voting on last week’s poll. Doh! Hopefully they come back and revote when the new post comes up.

Okay, on with the show. We know (if upcoming highlights are to be believed) that tonight are the hometown visits, and Ali’s family is a potential disaster. At least I’m hoping. We also know there will be no rose ceremony this week. I have no idea why the producers decided to let us in on that. One anonymous commenter to this blog (pick a handle so at least I can differentiate between the various anonymous posters!) had a great take on it. At the rate he’s been booting women off the show, of course they need a catch-up episode or else this thing would be over too soon.

Here we go:

SEGMENT 1: The plane touches down in New York City, baby! It’s Gia time. She wears the tightest butt-hugging jeans I’ve ever seen. And she fills them out quite nicely. Not surprisingly given some of the photos I’ve seen of her. I also heard the self-proclaimed ugly duckling who has a hard time meeting guys has dated professional athletes. And not the kind of professional athletes who wind up as contestants on this series. Real major league ones. She dated Carl Pavano of the New York frikkin’ Yankees and Chris Campoli of the Ottawa Senators. Regular girls don’t date millionaire athletes. Her presence now smacks of a publicity stunt. The show shouldn’t take contestants whose agent contacts them. Jake is looking for a real-life partner, not a costar.

Jake tells her she doesn’t talk about her past relationships. He's curious. She says she’s had one but he was a bad guy who cheated on her with all her friends. The missus says, “Nice friends.” Good call. Anyway, is this Carl or Chris? I’m sure they’re thrilled to hear this. But are we surprised? That’s what professional athletes do. It’s their God-given right.

They kiss. Jake says, “When I kiss Gia I kinda get lost in it.” No doubt, with those professionally enhanced smackers.

SEGMENT 2: Gia’s mom is her best friend, she says. Does that mean her ex slept with her mother? Mom’s got quite the New Yawk accent. And Gia certainly doesn’t have her mother’s thin lips. Hmm, wonder why that could be?... She says they talk every day. Not a good sign, Jake.

Step-dad has a pony-tail. Nuff said about that.

Moms likes him. She hopes he’s the one who can “heal her heart.” She’s reassuring her daughter that Jake really cares about her. Gia isn’t convinced. He acts that way with all the girls, she tells mom. Turns out Gia’s got a good head on those lips.

Step-brother Erick, the goombah, threatens to break Jake’s legs if he doesn’t treat her right, like so many others haven’t. Then we could call him Jake the Peg (that’s a Rolf Harris reference for you younger readers. Google him.) Interesting that if you go by Gia, she’s only really had one other significant relationship. But she has a broken heart and so many guys have treated her poorly.

Gia says she’s falling in love with Jake. She tells us this while wearing a whole tube of red lipstick over her puffy collagen lips... Hey, Erick, just kidding! I love Gia! She seems like a sweetheart! Please don’t hurt me!

SEGMENT 3: Entering the bucolic Williamstown, Massachussetts. We are in Ali country. The show is flying by. Hopefully that means some heavy drama coming up.

Jake keeps telling the Former Front Runner that he misses her, misses kissing her. And they seem really comfortable together. They walk by her dead grandmother’s house so grandma can “meet” the man Ali is going to marry. She says her grandma was more like a mom to her. Ooh, can’t wait to meet her real mom. We already know she doesn’t come from a picture-perfect family. Should be good.

They walk into grandma’s empty house. I have no idea who lives there now, but there’s a picture of grandma on the mantle. Ali believes grandma accepted Jake into her family with that little breaking-and-entering.

SEGMENT 4: He had a great day with Ali and tonight he meets her screwed up family. Mom Elizabeth tells him she never watches The Bachelor. I respect that. She takes him outside and the divorcée asks him what family means to him. (My apologies if she’s a widow.) Mom likes Jake and her gut feeling is that Jake will pick Ali. Her gut doesn’t usually fail her, she says. And I will not make a joke about said gut.

Sitting outside, Ali tells Jake if he asked her today to marry her, she would say yes. He responds by grabbing her by the face and ramming his tongue down her throat. She, too, is falling in love with him. Two for two.

Me? I’m a little disappointed her family was as normal as it was.

SEGMENT 5: We are transported to Newberg, Oregon, to meet Dumb Divorced Tenley’s family. Jake also misses Tenley like crazy. They race to embrace. Jake has big news: “So guess what? I’m in Oregon!” He’s talking to the Dumb one in language she would understand.

Tenley has been “so burned” in the past, so she’s got questions for him. One fear she has is that her ex let his parents plan his whole life. So she asks Jake, point blank, what relationship he has with his parents: “I run pretty much everything past my parents.” Oops. But Dumb Divorced Tenley doesn’t connect the dots: “Good! Good!” Then she tells the camera she’s so relieved that he makes his own decisions. Am I missing something? Now I feel dumb.

She takes Jake to a dancing studio. Her ex-husband (did you know she was married?) never appreciated this aspect to her life, she says. She changes into her dancing clothes and returns to perform an interpretive dance to wedding music. I think she just lost all the votes in this week’s poll. It’s comical. “I gave him a gift. I gave him an inside to my soul,” she says. Back in her jeans, she dances with Jake and he looks like he knows his way around a dance floor. So maybe they really are meant for each other.

SEGMENT 6: Jake is the first guy to meet her parents since the divorce. Did you realize she had been married before? News to me. Mom looks young. Tenley tells her family she danced for Jake without a shred of embarrassment. To their credit, they all kept a straight face. Her mom is thrilled that Jake got to see what Tenley loves to do. “So has Tenley had a chance to see what you love to do?” the mom asks Jake. Oh, how I wish Jake had a sense of humour and responded with, “Masturbate? Not yet, but the fantasy suites are yet to come!”

Question: Who among us has had a date meeting parents where one of the parents takes you away to have a heart-to-heart and every member of the family asks direct questions about your feelings for your date? That’s never happened, right? Or is it just me? But it happens on every single hometown visit in every single season. I’m beginning to think maybe the producers suggest these things to the participants.

Tenley’s dad, Robert, takes Jake upstairs. Tenley’s had a rough year what with her divorce, he tells him, just in case, you know, Jake wasn’t aware that Tenley had been married. I know I wasn’t.

Robert comes downstairs and shares some tears with Tenley. He seems like a good guy, if a tad emotionally unstable. Her mom tells Jake that Tenley is going to have emotional spillovers for a while. Jake asks why (again, speaking the language of Dumb). Because of her divorce, natch. What?! Tenley has been divorced?! Man, the surprises just keep coming!

Jake asks Bob if he can marry his daughter. Why would he do such a thing unless she was the one? Why would you lead a dad on like that? Especially a solid and emotionally troubled guy like Robert. In fact, the whole family seems rock solid. Maybe I can forgive her for that ridiculous dance.

SEGMENT 7: Guess what time it is? It’s Spoiled Vienna time! They always save the best for last. We go to Sanford, Florida, to meet the brat’s family. Jake and Vienna go for a ride on the river to see the manatees and gators. We see turtles and gators, but no manatees.

Vienna tells Jake her dad didn’t like either of the guys she’s dated. Nothing’s good enough for his princess. But Vienna says she’s gone to school and done everything she’s wanted to do so she’s ready this time. As my wife points out, she’s 23! Man, she really is spoiled if she’s done everything she wanted to do by the age of 23. Either that or she hasn’t wanted to do a helluva lot. Crashing cars doesn’t count because that’s something you can do for a lifetime.

When they arrive at the folks’ home, Vienna and her dad, Vincent, embrace and bawl like babies. Something seems creepy but I don’t want to go there.

Jake lets Vienna’s family know about the problems she’s had with the other women in the house/RV. They don’t bat an eyelash. She’s been like her whole life. Danger, Will Robinson!

Vienna tells Jake she’ll take off the ring her dad gave her once she gets a engagement ring. Uh, did I mention creepy? Still not going there.

They lie on the bed and make out and her dad barges in on one knock. Boundaries, dad, boundaries. She’s not your girlfriend anymore... Oops. Just went there.

I know everyone else feels this way, but I can see Jake with any of the other three women. I still don’t get what he sees in Spoiled Vienna. Can anyone out there shed some light?

SEGMENT 8: Jake has completely fallen for all four of the women. And it’s going to be tough to say goodbye to one of them tonight. Oh wait. Thanks to the show’s highlights last week, we know there won’t be a rose ceremony.

Jake is sitting around his hotel room with the cameraman. I guess they need that footage of him alone on the couch. A knock comes to the door. It’s Ali! She’s upset. Tears are streaming down her face. She has to choose between staying or going back to work. Here we go again. She’s pulling an Ed! Just because it worked once doesn’t mean it’ll work again. Jake doesn’t look impressed. He’s been through this before. But with Ed, it came much earlier in the proceedings.

Jake tells her life is about minimizing regrets. She has to weigh which will be the greater regret. But he can’t guarantee he will put a ring on her finger, and nor should he. It seems like that’s what she was fishing for. What kind of person goes on a show without clearing time away from work first? And what kind of employer shatters the dreams of their employees? As they leave, Jake says, “Whatever you decide is okay.” Ali walks down the hotel corridor than plops down and cries. She knows good TV.

SEGMENT 9: Jake sits down with Chris. He seems crestfallen. Chris says if Ali stays, she’s effectively quitting her job for Jake. He wonders about the pressure it will put on them. Let’s look at reality here, folks. She’s a final four contestant. She’s won America’s heart (for the most part). She can get any job she wants after this. This is a no-brainer. Stay with the program.

Chris then asks Jake to think of the situation where she quits her job, then Jake doesn’t choose her. Jake can’t even fathom such a situation. Granted, Jake can't fathom a lot.

Ali arrives first, followed by Vienna, Gia and Tenley. They line up not knowing there will be no rose ceremony. Obviously they don’t watch the upcoming highlights.

As they’re lined up, Ali meekly says, “Chris, can I talk to you for a second.” And we’ll be right back.

SEGMENT 10: Chris looks like he sees it coming. He’s got a smile on his face, knowing the ratings this will bring the show next week. Ali says she has to choose between the two loves of her life: a guy and her job. Chris leads her to Jake. She looks like hell. She says she doesn’t know what to do. She’s mad at herself for not coming to the show knowing that she might be there for a while. Jake goes to his patented move and grabs her legs and pulls them over his lap. He says he doesn’t want her to go. “You came here for a reason,” he says. Yeah, as a lark. She didn’t expect it to produce any real feelings. She says she hasn’t met anyone who is as deserving of her love as Jake is but the fact of the matter is, there are three other girls downstairs. She is totally just fishing for confirmation that she’s the one: “If you were mine, the choice would be easy.” She knows she might leave there with nothing if she stays. “Ali, I don’t want you to go. We have something special,” says Jake. “If you choose to leave, I will be devastated.” Then the subtitles tell us he says, “I love you.” That's every guy's dream, to have subtitles do the dirty work for you.

Chris walks in and asks if she’s made her decision. She cries some more and says she wants more time. At this point, Jake should just walk her to the waiting limo. If the choice is that hard, she shouldn’t be there.

SEGMENT 11: Ali tells Jake she has to go. And she’s so, so sorry. And I’m not buying it. I mean, I buy that she’s leaving, but not that she has to leave. She better not come back as the Bachelorette, that’s for sure, if her job is that important to her. Jake walks her out. Now I’m thinking he should just let her walk out on her own. “I feel like you’re slipping right through my fingers and I don’t know how to stop you,” he tells her at the limo. He should have told her that if she goes, she’s not to contact him again because he’s not having it. It’s now or never. But we know that’s not how this show works.

As the limo pulls away, she cries, “I don’t know if I made the right choice.” Yeah, like she’s going to go back to that wonderful job and not resent it and her boss every day she has to punch the clock. She works at Facebook, doesn’t she? I know! Let’s boycott Facebook! Let’s do it, people!... Ah, who am I kidding. I can’t quit Facebook.

Chris comes back to tell the others that Ali has left. Gia’s face lights up. Now poor Jake left with Dumb Divorced Tenley, Gia Pet and Spoiled Vienna, perhaps the worst group of semi-finalists in the series history. I wonder who he would have sent home. He should tell us. I think it would have been Gia.

Next week they’re going to St. Lucia. Should be some fine shots of Gia’s bum. You don’t have a swimsuit model on your show and not let her get to at least the tropial island getaway. And guess who gives Jake a call while we’re there? Why, none other than Ali. Rinse and repeat.

Oh good Lord, in the outtakes, Gia’s mom reads Jake’s Tarot cards. She tells him to put his hand on the deck and send his energy into them. Jake has the surprising good sense to call her on the nonsense. Which confirms to me Gia was probably the one who would have gone home had not Ali taken the coward’s route. That kind of crazy is usually passed on from mother to daughter.

So what's your take on Ali? Go back and read the segment on her hometown date. Her mom thought Jake would pick her. She told him she would totally say yes if he asked her to marry him that day. Are you buying this nonsense that her job is demanding her back? I get the feeling she's trying to manufacture a greater feeling. She's hoping that absence makes the heart grow fonder, not fungus, and that Jake will realize what he's missing. She'll beg the producers to make a return appearance and everyone will live happily ever after. Or at least for a few months. Or is it more than coincidental that she left before a foreign vacation? Maybe she didn't have a passport or couldn't get one so the producers gave her a storyline to follow. Nah, she couldn't fake those tears.

Until next week, mes amis. Can’t wait to read your comments.