Week 7: Lisbon in fast forward

Hey folks. How’s everyone feeling? Enjoying the season? I don’t follow the show anywhere else, but I’m curious what the buzz was with Jason, the Wrassler, after last week’s show. Has he been vilified? Is the blogosphere believing what went down? Feel free to let me know in the comments section. Since he’s off the show now, it won’t be a spoiler.

I was heartened to see that 100 percent of readers here (all twelve of you) thought the upcoming highlights give away way too stinking much. These producers don’t understand what “tease” means. They don’t get that we’re already hooked. And on a bit of a tangent, it doesn’t matter to us if all the fellas are nice guys without an ounce of drama. Human relationships are drama in and of themselves. They don’t need to artificially increase it by putting schmucks in the fold and by showing us ahead of time what’s going to happen. Just let it play out. Put the reality back in reality TV. Have confidence in your product.

Okay, enough of that. It’s show time!

Where are we this week? Ah yes, Lisbon. That’d be Portugal. Gotta like the locations this season. They’re not the obvious places they've visited in years past. They're going in style this time.

Five guys are left, four get roses. But there will be four dates with zero roses. What’s up with that? What's the point?

Roberto gets the first date: “Come be the king of my castle.” Crazy Eyes Frank is already flashing his deranged peepers.

Roberto and Ali take to the streets of Lisbon acting like fools. They stand out like sore thumbs. First they’re taking pictures with unimpressed cops, then they’re slow dancing and smooching in the street. Can you say Ugly American?

They hop on a trolley car and kiss some more. Alright, we get it already.

Back at the hotel, Crazy Eyes Frank is telling the others what they should do this week. It’s not a joke; it’s cards on the table time. I wonder what he’ll lay down. As he’s laying down the law, there’s a knock at the door. Cape Cod Chris picks up the piece of paper, reads it, and says, “Date card, gentlemen.” Are they just not showing us all the other knocks on the door they get throughout a given day? How would he not know it’s a date card before even getting up off the couch?

This date card is for a two-on-one. Who are the unlucky sods? Crazy Eyes Frank and Big Ears Ty: “Let’s find our future in the past.” Frank considers Ty to be his biggest competition. As you might imagine, Crazy Eyes isn’t too thrilled about having to walk around on a date with Ty. He wants her all to himself.

Ali and Roberto share some wine and tapas (I’m guessing) outside at a castle. Ali admits she can’t cook. Points for honesty, I guess. She calls Roberto a mystery and says she needs to figure him out. He seems too good to be true. But is she out of his league? Quite possibly. Although their date was perhaps the kissiest one of the season.

More upcoming highlights that give away almost everything. Brutal.

***

It’s the two-on-one. Oh, thank God! They’re travelling by helicopter! I thought the producers had forgotten about that majestic bird. I never get sick of watching them watching the view. It never ever gets old.

The three sit down to dinner so we’ve obviously missed the whole day’s events. Clearly either it was boring as hell or there’s too much drama at dinner. Ali says she’s in a weird place and gives them the “it’s not you, it’s me” line.

Ali takes Big Ears Ty away for some one-on-one time. There are no kisses to be seen. Nothing much is said. Family, blah, blah, blah.

Back at the hotel, the date card is for Mouldy Kirk: “Once upon a time...” (There are only so many castle references so they had to get oblique on this one.)

Crazy Eyes Frank now takes Ali aside. Here we go! But no, just more family talk. She immediately kisses him. Maybe Big Ears is the odd man out, if kisses are any indication.

Here it comes: Crazy Eyes reveals all to Ali. He quit his job, moved to Europe, moved back home... and that’s where he is. He’s living with his folks. Does this phase Ali? Not in the least. She moves in for an even bigger kiss. But he should have been pushed out of the tree they’re in just because of the way he told it. If he had just mentioned it in passing early on and sloughed it off like it was a temporary thing, no big deal. But he made it seem like a big, dark secret. She should have laughed in his face whether she felt that way or not. Thankfully for Crazy Eyes, Ali is pissed out of her tree and is just horny as all get out. So he's safe.

Hey, look, there’s Jake and Vienna. What a happy couple. I wonder whatever became of them?

***

Mouldy Kirk and Ali are going to a beautiful place today, but Ali admits her mind is a little preoccupied. And Kirk tells her he’s a little nervous. I see no connection between these two. I don’t even think the ridiculously tall glasses of beer will help.

A chariot pulls up and they switch to white wine for the ride through the countryside. They arrive at another castle with an incredible panoramic view. Ali isn’t doing a very good job of hiding her emotions. Mouldy Kirk can sense her unease. But I think Ali told someone a few episodes ago that she wears her emotions on her sleeve so you always know how she's feeling.

***

Ali says she “had” a romantic dinner planned for her and Kirk on the roof of the castle. She’s wearing a white business suit, if that means anything. Kirk is asking her to be honest with him, good or bad, because that’ll make things easier. He’s a wise man. She lies that she might not be good enough one day for him. Really? With Kirk? That guy’d be lucky to have someone like Ali. She should worry about that with Roberto, because she won’t be, guaranteed. But with Kirk? Nah. But whatever he told her worked magic. They kiss. And it looks legit.

Date card time. It's for Chris: “Love gets better with age.” The guys rib him about being the oldest one there.

That was a nothing date with Kirk, wasn’t it?

***

Cape Cod Chris is given a mo-ped to drive Ali around on. He has no idea what he’s doing. She’s slagging him at every mention. He’s going slow on the scooter, just like their relationship, she says. Finally she takes over and guns it. They seem to laugh a lot together. Sure, they're laughing at him, but at least he can laugh at himself. That’s something, isn’t it?

They unfurl a red blanket and have a picnic. Ali immediately gets Chris to start talking about his mom again. No wonder the relationship is going slow. She says she can feel his walls coming down but isn’t sure it isn’t too late. But whose fault is that? Let the guy talk about something else for a second. It’s hard to get hot and steamy right after talk of a deceased parent.

***

They go to a winery. Ah, "love gets better with age". Wine. I get it. Ali wants to “let loose”. But they sit down and start talking about family again. He’s anything but smooth, this guy, but that might be part of his charm. He pulls out a home-made bracelet for her and that’s enough to warrant a big old smooch. Just shower her with gifts and she’s putty in your hands.

Are these short segments or is there just nothing to say? They're zipping through all the dates.

***

It’s a rainy rose ceremony. Who will be sent home this week? There were no kisses for Big Ears Ty. Could it be him? I think she has the least chemistry with Mouldy Kirk. That’s my call.

Hey, we’re only one hour into the show! What’s up? Usually this comes at the end of the show. So will there be an hour of extra drama or is it just the Jake & Vienna dog & pony show?

Here are your rose winners:

• Cape Cod Chris
• Crazy Eyes Frank
• Roberto

Look, Ty and Kirk are left. The final rose goes to:

• Kirk

So Big Ears Ty is a goner. Too bad. He was a solid, upstanding guy, I thought.

Ty smothers Ali with a big ole bear hug. She walks him into the downpour. Ty says he’s okay but he’s just disappointed. He had some unbelievable feelings, he said. He thanked her for everything then got in the limo, sopping wet. Cue SFX: thunder claps. You can’t tell me those are real. It's just so much more dramatic to have rain and thunder instead of just rain.

Ty feels lost, doesn’t know what to think. Everything seemed right but obviously it was wrong. What does he do from here, he wonders? But the fellas inside are excited that Ali is coming back in wearing a wet skirt.

So one hour and 14 minutes into this two-hour show and we’re done. This answers why each segment seemed to cut to the chase pretty quickly. Should I stick around to watch Jake and Vienna have at it? I think so.

***

Chris Harrison tells us that many people have found love on his show. We know. There’s Trista and Ryan. And... well, there’s Ryan and Trista... And, that’s about it. But the point remains. At least two people have found love on the show. But he regrets to inform us that Jake and Vienna have split.

Chris sits down with Jake first. Apparently the three of them had dinner together a few weeks ago. What went wrong? Jake can’t even fathom her doing this to him, he says. I don't know what she supposedly did, but I can fathom it. I think it's fair to say Jake was probably the only person who couldn't fathom it.

Now, together for the first time since breaking up, Jake and Vienna, ladies and gentlemen! How did we get here? Vienna said it started about a month after they started dating. The first month was great, but then it went downhill. Things were great in public, but not at home. Vienna was lonely. She said there was emotional abuse, but in her next sentence says there was no emotion with each other. She said she’d have to ask to be kissed and when he complied, it was a little peck. Jake is giving us the 100 yard stare throughout.

Why did she take it to the tabloids, Chris asks? She just wanted to make sure she had a voice. And she spends the rest of the hour really making sure she has a voice. Because she won't shut up. She wants people to know she did try. She loved him and wanted it to be different.

Jake interrupts: "I’m so mad at you. I’m disgusted at you." And then she flirted with him all weekend. Oh yes, he’s got text messages to prove it. She calls him a fame whore. She expected a normal life of a pilot’s wife, but said he’s pursuing a career in acting. “At least I’m pursuing something.” Oh, snap!

Jake says she’s having flings with other men. She’s getting worked up and he calmly says, “Why are you raising your voice?” Who to believe here? Doth she protest too much? Or is he full of it? Who knows? Who cares! This is awesome, though. Is he a fame whore? Is she? They’re both loving airing their dirty laundry in public. I know it’s great TV, but the franchise isn’t doing itself any favours with this public display of dysfunction. But I have two words for any naysayers out there who will use this to slam the show's ability to matchmake: Trista and Ryan. Nuff said.

***

Chris wonders why she took it so far to tell such intimate stories. Why put yourself through this? Her only answer is that she knew Jake would do it if she didn’t. Take the high road, girlie. If he does it first, then you go to other tabs and spill the beans. But make him do it first. If he doesn’t, then you’re golden, too. I don't buy her excuse at all. Especially since she reportedly received $90,000 for her story.

Chris reminds them he was there in St. Lucia when they were in love. He’s trying to get them to see what they loved in each other at one time. That’s a good strategy, I think. But it doesn’t work here. I’d say this is a classic case of irreconcilable differences.

One bone of contention was that she wanted to move back to Florida and escape the surreal world of Hollywood. When Chris asks if she’ll disappear now, she says yes. She's taken on a regular old job... in L.A. She’s digging a hole now. Now she’s saying she can’t go back to her hometown because they all turned their backs on her when she moved to L.A. I'm guessing that's a recurring theme in her life.

“Baby, keep quiet while I’m talking,” Jake tells her. Chauvinist. We knew he had that in him, didn’t we?

“How do you get sick of someone in a month?” she asks. Uh, keep talking, baby. You're showing us how.

I don’t know what to say. I’m just blown away by the total awesomeness of this. I can’t wait until Jillian and Ed end this way! (That’s a joke. Jillian has way too much class and humour to ever let her relationship with the half-wit end in such public humiliation.)

Jake raises his voice a bit, saying “Don’t interrupt me.” And Vienna breaks down completely, storming off the set after telling him he’s the biggest jerk she’s ever met in her life. I think she should pursue a career in acting.

***

Jake says unfortunately that’s what one of their arguments looks like. He says he’s never been in a relationship where he’s raised his voice. Usually he’s much more passive-aggressive than this.

Whew. That was awkward, wasn't it? But I think we have ourselves a new Bachelorette!

And now more brutally bad upcoming highlights. We see Crazy Eyes hugging a mysterious brunette. And his “we need to talk” line. What’s his relationship with this woman? Is this a misdirection? Is she just a best friend and confidante? A sister? Or is it something more sinister? Considering the cameras were rolling when he greeted her, I’m guessing it’s not what we're led to believe.

Anyway, one thing we learned this episode is that it’s entirely possible to do the show in one hour.

Week 6: The take-down

Thanks for the comments last week, people. It gives a feller a reason to go on. Plus I enjoy hearing everyone’s opinions. I’ll try not to be so hard on ole Crazy Eyes Frank this week.

Will we find out who has the girlfriend back home tonight? Will it be the only funny guy left in the house (the Wrassler)? Iceland was cool when Batty Kasey was left on the side of a mountain. Who will be the turkey in Istanbul? Let’s find out, shall we?! Melodrama awaits!

She’s thrilled to be in the old Constantinople. She had no idea 13 million people lived there. I suppose that shouldn’t be a slight on her. I didn’t, either. But I knew it was a major city. And I know it’s the only city in the world that spans two continents: it’s partly in Europe and partly in Asia, in case that comes up later.

Chris knocks on Ali’s door. Former cast member Jesse (I don’t remember her), pining for yet more screen time, gave the show a call to tell them the news. This isn’t a set-up at all. It looks completely organic. Now we have to sit through five rings as Chris calls her up, just to build tension so we can watch Ali monitor the pulse on her neck.

Jesse is calling from Toronto, so that can only mean one thing: it’s the Canadian Wrassler, just as everyone suspected. Hey look, there happens to be a camera at Jesse’s house, and the Wrassler’s supposed girlfriend is there with her! What a coincky-dink! The story is they (the Wrassler and his girlfriend Jessica) had planned it together. And the reason she’s contacted the show is because she just found out he has yet another girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. (I just made that up. Feel free to use it.)

This just smacks of... something. I’m not saying it is or isn’t true. I’m just saying it reeks of something. Like maybe the show knew about it all along or he was planted from the beginning just for the drama. You know, just like in all-star wrestling. He’s playing the part of the bad guy.

Ali says Justin, the Wrassler, kept telling her he was there for the right reasons. But that doesn’t mean he was lying. For him, the right reasons might have been publicity. So he could have been telling the truth.

Anyway, she wants him on the first flight back to Canada. First the Sarnia Sleaze and now this. It’s a black mark on this fine country. Will we ever live it down?

***

This has been Ali’s fear from the beginning, that she’s going to give her heart to someone only to have it served back to her on a silver platter. Chris coaches her outside the Wrassler’s room, telling her to take a deep breath.

All the guys are sitting there. Ali cuts right to the chase, saying Justin must really miss his girlfriend in Canada. The Wrassler just gets up and walks away. Just like that. He says he’d rather just not say anything. We hear him say he doesn’t have a girlfriend and Chris asks him if he’s just going to walk away. He says, “Fuck you” to Chris and walks out. This just doesn’t add up.

Ali finds him outside. He tells her if she wants to talk off-camera he will. She puts her finger on his stomach and he says, “Don’t touch me.” Ali shouts after him, “Justin, you’re going to regret this!” Regret what? Walking away? The damage has been done. Wouldn’t he regret sticking around hemming and hawing and looking even worse?

It’s all so over-the-top I don’t know what to make of it. There must be so much more to the story. Can’t wait to hear it. Thank God he’s from Ontario. Nobody likes those jerks.

***

The Wrassler is still walking. Ali is sitting by a fountain. He comes and sits beside her. Here goes: “I know you probably want to rip my head off now,” he says. He says he has strong feelings for Jessica but more as a best friend. He says he’s been less and less into this show, though. He wanted to give the rose back the day after he got it and Kasey was sent home. Still, I think we can all agree it was a good thing Kasey was sent home. The Wrassler did her a favour that way and she should be eternally grateful for that.

Ali gives the Wrassler a piece of her mind. He just hung his head and walked away. To Ali, that was a cowardly move. He denied strongly having another girlfriend. As he we see him walking away we hear the evidence: three phone messages he left with Jessica pleading for her to be his wife and pick up the phone. Well, that’s not gonna happen now, is it, Jessica?

Man, did I just turn this all on Jessica? My man crush has gone too far. But hey, he was expressing his love for her and she just ratted him out on national TV.

***

Okay, let’s concentrate on these other losers.

Aha! Ugly Craig says he’s so glad “that turkey” is gobbling his way back to Canada.

Date card! Back to fake reality!

It’s a one-on-one card. “Let’s get steamy.” It’s for Big Ears Ty. He’s one of the good guys and I’d say the front runner. There’s no way he doesn’t get a rose.

They walk through the beautiful Istanbul hand-in-hand, looking like a nice couple. They arrive at a Turkish bath. I do know that only men are usually allowed to go there, but they make an exception for the show. I hope it doesn’t cause an international incident.

Dumb question of all time: Big Ears asks if she likes massages. Is there any woman alive who would answer in the negative to that question?

Group date card arrives back at the hotel. “Love conquers ol(ive)”. Man, they’re stretching. Cape Cod Chris, Roberto Clemente, Mouldy Kirk, and Ugly Craig. Turns out everyone else has a one-on-one date and Ugly Craig hasn’t had any. So Crazy Eyes Frank will get his second. You think it’s because Craig is ugly? Nah, couldn’t be. Just a fluke, Craig, just a fluke.

***

Big Ears and Ali have dinner by the water. His feelings have gotten stronger and stronger and I think the feeling is reciprocated. The rose is sitting there. No drama or tension here whatsoever. He begs to be flattered, asking her what it is about him that she likes. She likes his looks. To her credit, she doesn’t mention his ears.

He talks about his divorce. Did I know he was divorced? Probably, but I don’t remember it. He’s sounding like a big ole chauvinist now. He expected his wife to stay at home, he tells Ali. But now he realizes that women are CEOs of companies so needn’t stay at home once they’ve finished the dishes and made the beds and they get home in time to make dinner. Ali smiles inexplicably. This raises no alarm bells for her, or at least she’s not letting on. I say, to use a down home homily, you can’t change a leopard’s spots. So I’m sure there’s still some residual sexism lingering.

Ugly Craig wants Big Ears Ty to be sent home because he wants to be the last man standing. Dreamer.

Ali thinks Big Ears Ty is more ready for all this because of what he’s experienced. Yeah, that’s one way of looking at it. People in love will never see the obvious warning signs. Everything will be filtered through the positive lens in their brain. And if they aren’t into them, everything will be filtered through the negative lens.

They dance to some traditional Turkish music on the street. Very romantic. I want to go to Istanbul. But not to dance.

***

Ali plays Rapunzel (I wrote that seconds before Mouldy Kirk said it), waiting for the four fellas from high atop a castle.

They drink beer outside. She tells them there will be no rose on this date, but there will be some fighting. Four Turkish dudes, shirtless and oiled up, enter behind a traditional Turkish band. (I’m guessing it’s traditionally Turkish, anyway. Makes sense, them being in Turkey and all.)

It’s called Olive Oil Wrestling and it’s a professional sport in Turkey. Man, too bad the Wrassler didn’t last one more episode. He'd have kicked their butts with a 2x4 or folding chair. This is a sport I could love if it’s anything like sumo wrestling.

After getting roughed up by the Turks, the four contestants fight each other with the winner getting some special one-on-one time, so it’s “just as impor-ant”. Why can’t Ali pronounce the first ‘t’ in important?

It comes down to Roberto Clemente and Ugly Craig. Roberto is a pro athlete... well, baseball, so close enough... and Ugly Craig is a dorky lawyer. But it’s a battle. Ugly Craig won’t give up. For some reason, known only to aficionados of Turkish Olive Oil Wrestling fans, the ref raises Ugly Craig’s hand. He wins despite getting his butt kicked. Ali looks crestfallen. After doing her best to avoid one-on-one time with the homely attorney, she can no longer put it off.

Hey, you don’t think the producers got in the ear of the ref and fixed the match, do you? Nah, this show has too much integrity for that.

***

While the other three magnanimously tell Crazy Eyes Frank about Ugly Craig’s deeds (obviously Craig’s no threat to them), Crazy Eyes just stares. Because that’s what Crazy Eyes does best. Even though he’s got his own one-on-one date coming up, he can’t even show the slightest bit of happiness for a guy who’s got absolutely no hope.

Ali and Ugly Craig have a dinner somewhere and damned if he doesn’t win me over with his sense of humour again. He talks about taking his Olive Oil Wrestling career to the next level. He’s way funnier than Crazy Eyes Frank. Granted, that’s not saying much, so let me rephrase: Craig is genuinely funny. And he seems like a good guy.

Ali’s body language isn’t exactly saying “come hither” though. She sits with her head facing Ugly Craig but her body is aimed squarely at the door as if she’s planning her escape route.

The one-on-one date card with Crazy Eyes Frank says, “The road to love is bazaar.” I’m guessing that’s the spelling of ‘bizarre’ since they’re in Turkey, doncha know?
Ugly Craig and Ali watch fireworks. In my head I’m singing the theme to Love, American Style.

I think Ugly Craig is growing on me. Could he be my new favourite? I certainly always go for the underdog, so maybe he is.

***

My wife just said she has no desire to go to Turkey. Reason? “Have you seen Midnight Express?” I think she missed the part about the drug smuggling.

Ali says her first date with Crazy Eyes Frank was amazing but since then he continues to disappoint her. They walk through a spice bazaar and play dress-up. Ali comes out as a belly dancer. Crazy Eyes Frank’s eyes get crazier as he hugs his genie. “Oh my God, wow!”

Back at the hotel, Ugly Craig says he thinks he’s the type of guy Ali wants. Just when I start liking him, he shows his cocky side. Meanwhile, Big Ears Ty badmouths Mouldy Kirk. He doesn’t see him with Ali.

Ali thinks the old Crazy Eyes Frank is back. Is that a good thing? I can’t figure that out.

The ads before the commercials keep asking viewers to apply to be the next Bachelor or Bachelorette. I so want to know someone on the show. So if you know me, apply already. I won’t rat on you if you already have a boyfriend or girlfriend back home. Or even a spouse. Just do it.

***

Ali and Crazy Eyes, new rug in tow, walk through an “almost magical” place for a romantic dinner. It’s a cistern, an underground reservoir for all the rainwater they’ve experienced so far. They sit on a platform in the middle of the water. Can’t wait to see a rat scurry by.

Crazy Eyes Frank wants to get down on his knee to ask someone to marry him once. The second time it’s got to be the girl who does it. He’s being very serious. Ali says the relationship with him scares her. As it should: Crazy Eyes wears a thumb ring. That’s creepy.

They kiss and Ali gives Crazy Eyes the puppydog eyes back like she’s totally and absolutely into him. She grabs the rose and tells him he blows her away. Blah. But Ali is, deep down, a big old nerd so it’s somewhat understandable. Someone had a great comment on the blog last week that she’d never choose Roberto because she sees him as too good for her. I totally see that. I think she feels she’s on equal footing with Crazy Eyes, or maybe even a bit better than him, so she can be confident he’d never leave her.

***

There will be no cocktail party this week. Why is that? There was no drama that’s still around. Six guys are left. Cape Cod Chris is wearing sneakers with his suit. Crazy Eyes Frank is looking so much more confident sitting there with that rose in his lapel. Somebody’s going home, but who?

Big Ears Ty is the other guy with the rose. I guess that means there are five other roses to hand out. But first Ali needs to talk with Chris. She tells him she’s had a connection with every guy but one so there’s no need for the party. Who’s the one guy? Ugly Craig, Mouldy Kirk, Cape Cod Chris or Roberto Clemente? I think Ugly Craig is a shoe-in. So Kirk, Chris or Roberto? Hmm. She had some sort of connection with all three of them earlier on. I honestly don’t have a clue. I’m hoping it’s Mouldy Kirk but I couldn’t tell you why. But maybe Chris since he forgot his dress shoes.

She doesn’t want to prolong the inevitable by having the guys think they need to make one last push at the party. The guys are flabbergasted there won’t be one. They’re in shock.

***

Once again, to recap, Crazy Eyes Frank and Big Ears Ty have already received roses. Three roses are left for four guys. Whoever gets sent home gets a real slap in the face since her mind was so made up that she forewent the free champagne. And the roses go to...

1. Roberto Clemente, Rico Suave
2. Cape Cod Chris, with his sneakers
3. Mouldy Kirk

Wowza. Can I pick ‘em or what? Ugly Craig was my new favourite. But I guess the physical attraction, or lack thereof, was too much to overcome. I forgot about her body language on their one-on-one time. She walks him out and he gives her a lawyerly talk. She thought the romance was missing between them because, as my wife said in Ali’s voice, “I’m a shallow bitch.” The missus also just said I shouldn’t call him Ugly Craig. So there you have it, Craig. You’ve got two fans for two different reasons. I promise I won't call him Ugly Craig again.

Craig is shocked. So am I.

Next up on the tour of places I want to visit is Lisbon, Portugal.

Coming up in the season: We see Ali meeting Crazy Eyes Frank’s and Roberto’s families. Thanks for the spoilers I’ve been trying to avoid all these weeks, producers. We see Ty in Tahiti, so we know he sticks around. Crazy Eyes Frank gives Ali the “We need to talk” line and Ali is a total wreck. One person we didn’t see in any of the clips was Cape Cod Chris so he’s probably a goner. And judging from all the tears, maybe she should have kept him around. That guy is solid. Well, as solid as a guy who has his mother’s autograph tattooed on his chest.

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? Or a reasonable facsimile? See you in seven sleeps.

Week 5: Ode to Iceland

Is this show dying? Or is it just my blog? Sure, there were votes in the poll (Cape Cod Chris was by far the most favourite fella remaining, with 47 percent of you voting for him, and 89 percent of you thinking Batty Kasey is the craziest contestant ever), but I do believe last week was the first time in this blog’s storied history that it didn’t receive a single comment. I’m not begging or anything. I know these puppies are long and by the time you get to the end (if you do), you’ve got more pressing things to do. But if you do have something on your mind, by all means feel free to share it.

This week, the boys and Ali are going to Iceland. And without a hint of irony, Big Ears Ty says he gets chills thinking about going there. The least they could have done is edited in a rimshot, doncha think?

He goes on to say he doesn’t think anyone thinks of going to Iceland to find love. Is that American hubris talking? I’m sure there are a couple hundred thousand Icelanders do.

Batty Kasey is stoked about his tattoo. He can’t wait to show it to Ali. I think he’s mistaking Iceland for Fantasyland.

Even though we don’t see much, I like the airport and airplane shots of the guys. It’s something we haven’t seen in umpteen seasons of The Bachelor/ette. Hopefully in the future we can see more. And how about seeing Ali’s flight? Why does this interest me? I don’t know, but it does.

Ali says the volcano there erupted recently for the first time in 200 years, but she didn’t specify if that was the big one. I guess we can surmise from the fact she didn’t mention it, they were there before the big one.

I’ve always wanted to go to places like Iceland, Sweden, Norway and Finland. Again, I don’t know why since I don’t particularly like the snow or cold. Still, I’m looking forward to this episode so I can live vicariously.

The guys are walking around Reykjavik (I’m guessing. How many cities are there in Iceland?). They’re complaining about the cold. They turn the corner and there’s Chris standing in just a sweater – no hat, no gloves – looking as comfortable as can be.

This week: a group date, a one-on-one date, and a “special” two-on-one date. Sounds kinky.

This week, the fellas will compete for the one-on-one date. They will each write and perform a love poem to Ali, and she then decides who gets the date. They have one hour. And they’re encouraged to slide in an Icelandic word. I know a few words from a few different languages but I can’t think of a single Icelandic word beyond Bjork.

Cape Cod Chris says he just wants to make Ali laugh. And if he does, that’ll be the first time. Hard to make someone laugh when you’re always talking about your mother, father, brothers and sisters.

Kasey’s still blathering on about his tattoo. “It’s a great thing,” he says. And he seems to believe it, which is disturbing, to say the least.

Crazy Eyes Frank asks a local how to say “I love you” in Icelandic. Good luck with that, Frank. It’s a mouthful. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say Ali won’t know the difference no matter what you say, so just fake it.

All the others also elicit help. But poor Wrassler has no luck with the natives, who all pass by as he calls for help. Those Icelanders are cold. The guy’s got crutches. He could have been in distress.

Crazy Eyes says he’s written a number of love poems in his day. I don’t doubt him for a second. I bet most of them were delivered from the ground screaming up at a window with music blasting from a ghetto blaster and the girl holed up inside not wanting anything to do with him.

***

Batty Kasey wants the one-on-one date so he can show her his tattoo and he’ll be able to see her heart and she’ll be able to see his. On his wrist. As traced by a professional.

Ali says she thinks it’s difficult for guys to show their feelings through poetry. So of course a poetry contest makes perfect sense.

The poetry recital begins:

Ugly Craig is pretty funny and honest, quoting some Icelandic mumbo-jumbo and admitting he made it up. In verse, yet.

Kasey reminds us once again, prior to reading his poem, that he’s there to guard and protect Ali’s heart. Maybe he’s got Asperger’s Syndrome. His poem seems sincere, but the guys are just now noticing that he mumbles. If you go back to the first blog post this season and you’ll see his nickname was The Mumbler. They go to the subtitles and even the crack Bachelor/ette staff can’t figure out some of his words. Maybe that’s why he just keeps repeating his stock phrase. He’s practiced it and knows he can reproduce it clearly.

Anonymous Chris N., aka Magic, goes from memory and performs the difficult and rare feat of rhyming “out” with “out” before forgetting his lines.

Origami Kirk is the only one who went to school on Roberto’s Broadway audition. He walks over to Ali to perform at her feet and ends with a hug.

Crazy Eyes Frank loves writing. Remember, he may be a retail manager by day, but he’s a screenwriter by night (who isn’t?). So he’s confident he’s going to do well. He ups Kirk by not only walking over to Ali, but sitting down beside her and taking her hand. Then he gets up and flourishes his arms for a big finish that was kind of funny. I’d say he’s winning so far.

I gather from the brief montage clips of the others that they were not stellar.

Ali actually brings up The Lion King audition, too, admitting that she’s a sucker for the obviously phony ploy of going over to her. Only Kirk and Crazy Eyes did that, and since she hadn’t had a one-on-one yet with Kirk, he gets it.

***

Kirk and Ali go sweater shopping. Rivetting prime time TV. Then they feed some swans and sit in a coffee shop where Ali asks Kirk about his dating history. He admits he hasn’t dated anyone for more than a year. Then Kirk tells the producers and us that he’s nervous to tell her about his history and what he’s been through. Can’t wait to hear it. Start singing, K.

But he tells her they can talk about it “maybe later”. Which also implies “maybe not”.

Back at the hotel, Crazy Eyes Frank says he has a gut feeling that Kirk isn’t coming home. It’s also called wishful thinking.

A knock at the door and the next date card arrives. It’s the group date card. It looks like Roberto, Cape Cod Chris, Anonymous Chris N., Ugly Craig, Big Ears Ty and Crazy Eyes Frank are the lucky ones, leaving the Wrassler and Batty Kasey with the two-on-one, which further means one of those two is going home. Since Kasey clearly was the pick of the producers last week (you can’t convince me they don’t pick, or “cast”, a percentage of the picks each week), he’s toast. They simply can't keep him around any longer for believability's sake.

***

The date with Kirk continues. Ali feels he’s hiding something. She wants to give him a rose but she doesn’t know yet. At dinner he opens up, saying he got so sick five years ago he thought he was going to die. Only he didn’t use that word because that could scare her off, I think.

Then he continues by bragging that he was an all-American track star, eighth in the country in the 1500. But then he developed breathing problems, lost 15 pounds in a month, he cheeks sunk in and his eyes popped out, the hair on his arms started falling out, he lost all his short-term memory, the left side of his body went numb, he couldn’t talk and his legs wouldn’t work. He saw about 40 doctors from coast to coast and nobody could tell him what was wrong with him. Turns out the house he lived in in college was contaminated and he had been breathing in mould for a year and a half, which affected his nervous system and digestive system and other systems.

But, he wants to make clear, it doesn’t define him. Really? So that doesn’t mean I can’t finally give him a new nickname? Oh, believe me, he’s Mouldy Kirk from here on out. So long Origami Kirk; hello Mouldy Kirk!

Ali thinks Kirk’s story is unbelievably inspiring. And he has a lot of the qualities she’s looking for in a husband. For instance, he’s going to throw out the cheese before it gets bad. After that heart-wrenching story, he gets the rose.

Mouldy Kirk feels lucky because she accepts him. What did he expect? Her to run out of the room screaming that he got sick due to some mould? Oh, people and their hang-ups.

Back at the hotel, Batty Kasey is an emotional wreck. The fact he’s got Crazy Eyes Frank as a confidante should tell you something. Frank seems to be on Kasey’s side when he’s with him, but to the camera he’ll tell us this experience is pushing Kasey over the edge. Keep in mind, Batty Kasey always stood teetering on the edge anyway. Staring out the window, an emotional Batty Kasey says, “That’s why I got this tattoo: to be someone. And to be a man.” Case closed. He’s definitely nutso.

Frank thinks Kasey should show Ali his new ink, but Batty Kasey isn’t so sure. Duplicitous Frank is no dummy. That tells me right there he’s in it to win it. Because if Kasey shows the tattoo, he’s gone. Kasey says if he gets sent home, it’s going to destroy him.

***

Next up is the group date. Out on the tundra they go horseback riding. Big Ears Ty, from Tennessee, is at home on the range, even when it’s covered in snow. The horses look more like Shetland Ponies. Cape Cod Chris is not what you’d call a natural. And he doesn’t seem thrilled when they get to a big hole in the ground. Nor should he. It’s an underground cave.

While Batty Kasey has something up his sleeve (literally), the Wrassler has plans of his own. He visits a doctor to have his cast removed and gets a walking cast in its place. Man, the Icelandic health insurance must be good. Remember, the Wrassler is Canadian so he isn’t used to paying for such medical services. But even if Iceland has a good medical insurance system, as I’m sure they do, someone not paying into it would have to pay more for their needs, I’m sure.

Ty is the man on the group date, helping everyone. Cape Cod Chris rappels down the cave. Then they all go exploring. Crazy Eyes Frank is whining about not getting enough time with Ali. Surprise, surprise. Ali raved about all the guys on the date except old Crazy Eyes. She says he’s been non-existent. And that’s his choice. The bloom may be off this rose.

***

They arrive at The Blue Lagoon, a lake with so-called healing powers. Blogs all over the blogosphere are making nude Brooke Shields references. And the way Ali strips off her parka into a bikini, they’re not far off.

Champagne is flowing and Ali sounds tipsy. She takes Big Ears Ty off to explore the lake (i.e. stand in one place and gaze into each other’s eyes.) Drunk.

She then gets jiggy with Cape Cod Chris. She wondered if their relationship was romantic yet. Looked like it, thanks to the alcohol.

No wonder Crazy Eyes Frank sympathizes with Batty Krazy. They’re both emotionally retarded. Frank can’t sit still, always looking over his shoulder at Ali with anyone who’s not him. It’s driving him insane(r).

The Wrassler and Batty Kasey are not getting along at all at the hotel. Their date is going to be off the charts! Their date card reads, “Let’s explore the land of fire and ice.” The Wrassler is exuding confidence. Kasey looks flustered.

Ali takes Crazy Eyes Frank inside and confronts him. “I don’t even see you on our group dates,” she slurs. I have no idea where they stand. But she’s drunk. And that’s worth it.

No surprise: Big Ears Ty gets the rose. Crazy Eyes Frank takes it as a wake-up call. He’s going to fight for her.

***

Kasey’s tattoo symbolizes everything he stands for, he says: his unstable emotional state.

We see the Wrassler packing his bags, in case he’s sent home. He packs like a teenager, just crumpling everything up and throwing it all in his suitcase.

The Wrassler’s confidence has become cockiness. But he’s still a far better choice than Batty Kasey. Kasey says the Wrassler is here only for himself, and he may or may not be right, but at least he’s not psychotic.

So off the three go in a helicopter on a tour of volcanoes. Was this pre- or post-eruption, I wonder? Did I already wonder this? I'm not scrolling back up to look. They land on the lava-spewing monster. One of these years, there’s going to be a serious accident on this show. They tempt fate way too much. But I guess they’re professionals. They know what they’re doing.

The Wrassler, perhaps showing he may be there for career motives, equates Ali with a championship belt.

***

Now they’re on a glacier. They get to a cave with tables of ice and candles. I don’t believe they’re natural.

Kasey is always going to guard and protect Ali’s heart, in case you forgot.

The Wrassler is a bit much in his interviews, but I think he approaches them like a pro wrestler. He’s just having fun with them. He’s got a sense of humour.

Batty Kasey is going to show Ali the extent of his battiness. More blather about guarding and protecting his heart. He rolls up his sleeve and actually presents his tattoo in a somewhat convincing fashion. Ali doesn’t look repulsed. More bemused. And she thanks him for being himself. That was kind of a let-down.

Now the game’s on. Did the tattoo charm her? Will the guys’ opinion about the Wrassler get to her?

They’re walking along a glacier and I’m thinking, what if the Wrassler hadn’t shed his crutches? How would that date have worked? Makes me think things aren’t as real as they’re presented. And I'm just now hearing that Santa Claus isn't real. This day stinks.

Ali gives the rose to Justin, the Wrassler, in the middle of nowhere. She feels something just wasn’t there with Batty Kasey. Good sense prevails. Batty Kasey has just struck out. They take off in the helicopter, leaving Kasey stranded on the glacier. Well, stranded with a camera crew and another helicopter waiting. But stranded as far as reality TV goes.

Despite what Batty Kasey said earlier, he doesn’t sound like a destroyed man after Ali rejects him. Of course, it’s always hard trying to figure out what he’s saying.

In her interview, Ali parrots what the Wrassler told her, that as hard as it is, it’s just one step on the road to her final destination of finding a husband.

***

Crazy Eyes Frank steals Ali away. I get the feeling he’ll start trashing the Wrassler now that his buddy Batty Kasey has been given the boot. Ali tells him, “I know the guys don’t like Justin.” But from what we see, Frank stays mum on the subject. He still has the crazy eyes going, though. He tells her she’s a smart girl and that’s the most attractive thing about her. They smooch. He gives her the crazy eyes look, and she says, “That’s that look I miss!” And they kiss some more. Gross.

Ugly Craig says he’s as nervous as he’s ever been in his entire life. And he has every right to be because he’s the ugliest one left. He’s gone further than anyone would have guessed so he can go out a winner and hold his head high for guys like him.

But he plays the humour card, rolling up his sleeve to reveal a pen tattoo. Ali laughs her head off. It was a good move. She loves to laugh and that move alone was funnier than anything Crazy Eyes Frank has said combined, even though Ali thinks he’s the funniest guy she’s ever met in her entire life. But ugly guys need a sense of humour. It’s all they’ve got.

Speaking of funny, Ali asks Anonymous Chris N. what’s one thing she doesn’t know about him that would surprise her. He tells her that he’s been told how funny he is. Ali looks on expectantly. Slick editing leaves it at that. Crickets. So she asks about his fun and silly side. What is his guilty pleasure? Long pause... He loves Mexican food. What a prankster! Mexican food! That’s rich!

He reaches over and pulls Ali toward him in an extremely stiff and awkward hug. Then he assures us his little tete-a-tete went well and he’s 100 percent sure he’ll get a rose.

Cape Cod Chris, in trying to prove what a good guy he is, maybe makes a misstep, saying he’d collect garbage in San Francisco if Ali was the right one. I think Ali might have a say in that. As in, see you later, garbage man.

Roberto tells Ali he’s a shy guy, then kisses her under the moonlight. You know, as all shy guys do.

***

Ali tells Chris that she thinks Kasey fell in love with the idea of falling in love. I think she’s right.

Chris plays armchair psychiatrist and tells her she’s afraid to let herself fall in love. She says she’s going to be very cautious and doesn’t want to get hurt. “What are you so afraid of,” Chris goads. He asks the hard questions, I think we all agree. I think maybe the host chair on Meet The Press might be in Chris’s future. She says she’s almost positive she’s going to fall in love and is terrified she won’t be loved back. How’s that for self-esteem?!

She vows to not let fear be such a controlling factor in her life. This from the fearful flier who flies around the world, goes on helicopter trips, descends into caves, and tightrope walks between buildings.

Only one guy is going home. So no surprise this week. It’s the handsome but dull Anonymous Chris N. Let’s just get on with it.

***

Here’s the final rose ceremony. Mouldy Kirk, Big Ears Ty and the Wrassler have a rose already. Ali’s heart is racing. It’s getting really real for her. Meaning we wasted the first few weeks, I guess.

Four roses to be handed out. And here they are:

• 4. Crazy Eyes Frank is first off the post. And he accepts the rose.
• 5. Cape Cod Chris. Everything’s going to form.
• 6. Shy Roberto.
• 7. Ugly Craig. They’ll be throwing a parade for him in Uglytown, USA. He’s a hero to ugly guys everywhere.

Anonymous Chris N. takes a hike. Ali says she just couldn’t get there with him. Chris N. has a vacant look in his eyes, pretty much the same look he’s had all season. But he says he’s shattered. He talks more in the limo ride of shame than he has all season.

Next week they leave Iceland and go to “supposively” phenomenal city of Istanbul, Turkey, aka Constantinople. Another place I’d love to visit. I can travel the world without getting off my couch. This is awesome. Things aren’t looking good for Crazy Eyes next week, and when we see a shirtless wrestling competition, things can only get worse for the pencil-necked geek... Ooh, and drama comes to Turkey when Ali finds out one of the guys has a girlfriend. She doesn’t take it well. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it were someone like Crazy Eyes or Cape Cod Chris?