Week 10: Piling on

I don’t know what I’m more excited about: Tonight’s tell-all from the also-rans or the fact there are only two more weeks left. (One problem: the grand finale comes on a night I’ll be flying home from the birthplace of The Bachelor/ette. Should I just get my wife to blog in my place? Or should I do it the next night? Decisions...)

Reader Heidi made a great point in the comments last week. She wrote,

“There have been some AMAZING episodes this season: The Wrassler's Undoing, Frank's Revelation, Kasey and the Batshit Tattoo... and the reunion show? Should be epic.

I can't imagine that the finale will be nearly as interesting as everything that came before. But I'm still watching.”

So true. When you think about it, there really were some great episodes this season. As for the final, here’s one scenario I never thought of (I’m not that deep a thinker): Chris Harrison said it would be “the most dramatic season finale in Bachelorette history.” When I heard that last week, I couldn’t think what it would be. She either chooses Chris, the likable, albeit slightly boring homebody, or Roberto, the suave and dreamy ex-pro athlete (well, baseball is considered a sport by many). Nothing dramatic there. Then there’s the chance the one she chooses turns her down. I guess that’s never happened before, but judging from the looks on the finalists’ faces, that’s not going to happen. So what then? She chooses neither? That’s possible, but is it all that dramatic? It’s happened on the Bachelor side of the franchise. But what if... what if... Frank comes back begging for forgiveness and she chooses him? That would certainly rank up there and be worthy of Harrison’s “most dramatic ever” description. Anything less than that would be a letdown after the build-up by Harrison.

Here’s the show... Well, I guess we don’t need to watch. We got all we need from the upcoming highlights. I know, I know, I harp on this every week, but it’s really got to stop. There needs to be a paradigm shift in network television.

Ali talks to Chris about the guys: The Wrassler (it’s sad he treats women that way), Batty Kasey (the singing was “so awkward”), Mouldy Kirk (nothing to report here), Crazy Eyes Frank (nor here).

***

Unseen moments: Roberto shoots a champagne cork at Ali’s head, narrowly missing; Frank’s dad gives a toast in double-speak and the whole family is in on it; Ali puts on fake astronaut helmet and is laughing hysterically at the recollection, but why? Loud peacocks interrupt her and Roberto and again, it’s like those out-takes after bad movies where all the actors are in stitches and the audience is like, huh? I can see why these never made it into the show.

We find out Chris N.’s nickname on the show was the Phantom. That would have been good to know since I could never come up with one for him.

***

They introduce the guys and half of them I have zero memory of. Is it me or is it them? Probably a combination of both.

Hey, where’s the Sarnia Sleaze? Not with us tonight? And no Wrassler? But I like that the guys are ganging up on the Weather Man. Here’s an ambiguously gay guy who is totally, one hundred percent on the show to further his career. Absolutely and without question. And what’s with his eyebrows? They look like he was bequeathed them from the estate of Joan Crawford.

I like Big Ears Ty. He sits next to Batty Kasey and absolutely trashes him, but with his good ole southern charm, it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

Harrison says the Wrassler was top of the list for guys not there for the right reason. Why does Crazy Eyes Frank get a free ride here? Why does the Weather Man? Hardly anyone is there for the right reason. I'm definitely watching for all the wrong reasons, too.

***

Frank montage. Frank says, “I’m here to the end.” And yet the Wrassler is the villain! Bah! Did we talk about the time she said, “I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this guy”? If Frank was the guy all along, where does that leave Chris and Roberto? The winner is second best. It’s hard enough finding love in two months but now she’s got to find it in a matter of days with Chris or Roberto if she really was wanting Frank all along.

Ugly Craig sure is full of himself, isn’t he? He sounds like the lawyer he is. He starts the defense of Frank and most of the guys join in. I’d say they’re letting their personal feelings for the guy (and the Wrassler in reverse) get in the way of their opinion. Frank deserves no breaks just because it was hard on him. You can’t go on national TV and hope for a rebound relationship if you’re not over the girl you dumped just so you could go on national TV in the first place.

***

Kasey at the bat now. Every time I see him sing it just gets better and better. That’s probably the best series of moments in Bachelor/ette history. Again, the Wrassler gets crapped on for being there to promote his career, but this nutbar decides on a catch phrase (“guard and protect your heart”) and auditions by singing at every opportunity, then guarantees more air time by getting a tattoo. If anyone was there for the wrong reasons, it was Batty Kasey. He says he wants to be a good memory in everyone’s heart and Ugly Craig applauds him. Am I so far out of the loop here? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I go along with these guys?

***

The ladies in the crowd seem to like Mouldy Kirk. Yup, it’s official: I’m out of the loop. I just don’t get it. He reminds me of the Professor in Gilligan’s Island. Sure, Russell Johnson wasn’t an ugly man, but he wasn’t a leading man type, either. Did you ever see him with Mary Ann or Ginger? I rest my case. But he’s breaking the hearts of the women in the studio with his tale of woe so I could see him being the next Bachelor. That is, if the network all of a sudden decided ratings don’t mean anything.

***

Now it’s the Wrassler’s turn. He chose not to be there but here comes the piling on. Big Ears Ty asks how can 25 guys be wrong? Yeah, that is puzzling. But when I see them supporting Frank and Bat-Shit Krazy Kasey, I know that they can be wrong. And are.
Ugly Know-It-All Craig says the Wrassler is “evil”. But Harrison corrects him: “No, he’s a bad person.” Oh, is that all? Glad we cleared that up. He says the guy’s intention for going on the show was to gain publicity for himself – unlike the vast majority of guys and gals who all altruistically go on the show to find true love. What a load of hooey. Then Ugly Craig says the Wrassler’s other intention was to hurt an incredible girl. Yeah, I’m sure that’s what his goal was. And the vapid Harrison says, “Yeah.” Part one of the argument is right, but it’s right for almost every contestant in this series. Everyone wants to be famous, therefore they’re all technically there for the wrong reasons. Only a few rare really ugly contestants who have no hope of finding love in the real world, like Ugly Craig, go on the show to find a mate. Part two of the argument is just ridiculous on its face. Picture the Wrassler at home: “I want to get on this series to put Ali – that’s her name, right? – in her place. I cannot stand that girl, whoever she is.”

I’m getting my back up I think just because it’s Ugly Craig who’s the mouthpiece here. I have a bias against people who sound supremely confident. He has way too much confidence for someone of his limited looks. When Big Ears Ty speaks about the negative impressions he has of the Wrassler, I’m okay with it, though. Maybe it’s the charming accent.

Why do they keep going back to Ugly Craig? Let someone else speak. I don’t read outside sources, so when I hear Ugly Craig saying that the Wrassler has been telling people that Harrison and the production staff had a hand in it, it’s the first time. But how can they deny it? How did they get cameras in the girlfriend’s house back in Canada when Ali called them from Iceland? Surely they knew something was up. Now, you may argue that once they knew about the girlfriends, they quickly arranged a camera crew to be there to record the phone conversation. But my question is how long did that take? An hour? A day? A couple days? Isn’t their responsibility to look out for Ali. If they have information on someone cheating and they decide they’re going to tell her, they should tell her immediately before any more of the “game” is played. So I think the show probably did have a hand in it. At least it sure appeared that way.
Ugly Craig chalks it up to “an asshole being an asshole” and Harrison, who wants to deflect all foreknowledge on his part as quickly as possible, says, “I don’t think we can sum it up any better than that.”

***

There’s a special guest tonight. It’s Jesse, from Jake’s season. Remember her? No, neither did I. She didn’t get much airtime when she was a contestant so this must be gratifying for her. But I’m sure she’s there for the right reasons. She also bears a passing resemblance to Mary Ann. You hear that Mouldy Kirk? Now's your chance!

It’s all very pat. Apparently there were text messages from the Wrassler to his (ex-)girlfriend saying, “Don’t worry, I’m just doing this for my career.” Could they spell it out any clearer, people?! Don’t you get it yet? Hey, Ali leaves Jake for her career and everyone applauds her. Double standard?!

They open the floor up to hear what the people think about the Wrassler: He’s a liar and a coward. That’s about it. Glad we cleared that up.

***

Ali comes out to a standing O from the fellas and talks about... nothing really. Mouldy Kirk takes the high road and says... nothing really. Then Batty Kasey gets up and... serenades Ali. Yup, he’s not there to promote himself, is he? Just trying to find love. If I ever see him sing on another show, I will boycott that show forever. You cannot reward behaviour like that, you just can’t.

Blooper reel. Oh, they had fun. Us? Not so much. Next.

***

Oh good, a new Bachelor show, Bachelor Pad. A house full of cast-offs sleeping together in one room. A shallow, decadent meat market, if you will. Even our old pal Wes has kissed and made up with the producers, who he did nothing but bad-mouth after his ignominious exit on Jillian’s season. And there’s Sarnia Sleaze. What’s not to love about this series? I have no idea what it’s about other than there’s a winner who gets $250,000 (and probably an STD). Don’t expect this blogger to follow it, but I’m pretty sure I’ll watch. Chris Harrison says it’s “spectacular” so it must be.

I’m out of words. Good night.

Week 9: Frank incenses Ali

Are we almost finished this thing yet? I don’t know why I want it to end because I’m enjoying the season. I just don’t think The Bachelor/ette is summer fare. It’s still light out when it comes on and almost as gorgeous as Tahiti, so who needs reality TV?

Ooh, this is the big reveal when we find out Crazy Eyes Frank has a big dark secret. Or not. Whatever. It’s summer. As Annie says, the sun’ll come out tomorrow.

They got into the show tonight with minimal upcoming highlights and no backstory highlights. Gotta like it. I like to think the producers are big fans of this blog.

Three dudes are left. Cape Cod Chris feels like Ali is her girlfriend. Ah, poor sap. He’s probably the best suited for her but he’s running third here by a country mile, I bet. He really needs Crazy Eyes to have a girlfriend and Roberto to have several. Roberto says he would be so lucky to have Ali as his wife. Oh no, Roberto. She’s the one who’d be lucky. Well, until he cheats on her. He’s an athlete, remember. It’s in his DNA.

Here we go. We learn what’s in store right off the bat. Crazy Eyes Frank still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. And they might be growing. Oh, what a hopeless nerd. He says he needs to go to Chicago to see Nicole before he goes off to Tahiti. He needs to find out if he’s still in love with her. You heard me. That either means he has to sleep with her again or find out if she’s still in love with him. Either way, that’s a dick move. Three of you voted Frank as your favourite in the poll last week. Who were you? 'Fess up. What do you think of him now?

***

Now here’s Frank in Chicago. Is he there on the producer’s dime? Did they encourage him to go because it makes for better TV? Oh, most likely. Frank is spinning like crazy. He needs to do this to make the right decision. No, Frank. It’s the wrong decision from the get-go.

Obviously Nicole knows this is happening, or she’s used to a camera crew following her ex-boyfriend around. Why would she open herself up to this? Frank’s blathering on to her and Nicole is just sitting there looking disgusted. He’s telling her about the great relationship he’s had with Ali. She says he’s consumed her mind ever since he left her and it’s sickening to think he’d be off getting close in another relationship. He tells her when he goes to bed at night after a great date with Ali, he lays in bed thinking about Nicole. Well, that about answers Frank’s question, doesn’t it?

Let’s analyze this. If he’s lying in bed after a great date with Ali, and all he can do is think about his ex-girlfriend, then he knows the answer to his question. He knows he’s still in love with Nicole. It’s irrelevant whether Nicole feels the same way or not. Basically what Frank is saying is he’s still in love with Nicole, but if Nicole doesn’t feel the same way, he’ll settle for second best with Ali.

But it looks like Nicole still has room in her heart for the guy. She says without him, her life isn’t complete. She tells him he needs to come home. He smiles and nods.

So Crazy Eyes Frank says today’s what he needed to realize he’s in love with Nicole and she’s the one he wants to be with the rest of his life. Finally, someone finds love on The Bachelorette! I can’t wait until Nicole sits down with Frank and watches the season play out.

But really, this is beyond despicable. He didn’t realize he’s in love with Nicole; he just realized she’s also in love with him. His feelings didn’t change. If he went back to visit Nicole and she said she had moved on, he still should have broken up with Ali because she was second best in his heart all along.

***

I like how they got to this right off the top of this two-hour episode. There must be lots of drama ahead if they didn’t string this mystery out over the whole show.

Poor, unsuspecting Ali is in Tahiti happy as all get out. She’s confident one of these three guys is going to be her husband.

Her first date is with Roberto. I gotta say, Tahiti looks awesome. And I’m almost positive it looks even awesomer from a ... (wait for it)... helicopter! There should be a helicopter drinking game on this show. Everyone would be passed out before the end of each episode.

Roberto is looking totally smitten, like he’s in deeper than even Ali. If that’s the case, and this isn’t just Stockholm Syndrome run amok, then he’s got to be the frontrunner. Because the guy is a stud. And he’s strong enough to carry her over the threshold. But I still maintain he’s too good for her. With Frank out of the picture, though, Roberto’s got to be the one, even if Chris is better suited for her. I think Ali probably has Frank ranked number one, but we can throw that all away... Or can we?

***

Ali and Roberto sit down to dinner. Ali doesn’t seem to be totally into him the way she is into Frank, as crazy as that seems, even before we knew what we know.

Roberto says he thinks he’s been closed off and it’s not easy for him to open up. But he manages to say he’s falling in love with her, which elicits a long kiss from Ali. And it gives Ali the nerve to whip out the note from Chris Harrison. Guess what? No, it’s not a free helicopter ride... Well, it might be, but a different kind. It’s an invitation for them to make sweet love all night long in the fantasy suite. Ali bites her lip as Roberto reads it. She can’t wait to take his wet clothes off him. And she does. Fade to black.

***

Next date is with Cape Cod Chris. They meet on a deck and walk towards each other. Ali is walking funny.

Their date is out on the open water. Ali says things have gone slower with Chris but things started to move when she met his family. So they sit on the boat and talk about his family. Conversation a little stilted but she’s probably still thinking about the Latin lover she had last night.

Chris says he feels like he’s twelve whenever he’s around her. She says they’re “buddies”. Not a good sign. But an easy out for her when it’s time to dump him.

Walking on the beach, they pick up shells and find the pearls the producers have planted in them. Ali buys it hook, line and sinker, and actually comes up with a good metaphor. She says the pearls remind her of her relationship with Chris. It takes a long time but eventually you could come up with something beautiful.

***

Will they use the fantasy suite? If so, I can’t imagine any hanky-panky going on. But let’s find out.

Do you have to walk through water to get to anything in Tahiti? Apparently so. They sit on a secluded tiny island and eat dinner on the ground. As they smooch, Chris tells her he sees himself with her forever. And then she gets turned on enough to whip out the fantasy suite card. We get to hear it again just in case we missed it when Roberto read it, or any one of the hundred or so others in the history of this series (couldn’t they vary it up a little bit?). Chris has never seen the show before: “There’s a fantasy suite?!” He tells us he loves this girl 100 percent. He’s found his soul mate, his perfect girl. This is precisely why the notion of a soul mate is unhealthy. Because if you find your soul mate, presumably there’s just the one. Then what happens if that soul mate rejects you? You have to settle for someone who’s less than that.

After Chris tells her he doesn’t care where they spend the rest of their lives together, whether it’s Cape Cod or San Francisco, Ali says, in the most blatant hint of the season, “I never, ever, ever, ever thought I’d want to go back to Massachussetts...” and doesn’t fully commit to saying she’s completely changed. Chris pretends not to care, saying they’d just have to go back to Cape Cod four times a year. But you can totally see that becoming an issue down the road. As in week four of their real-life relationship.

Anyway, they do appear to go inside the suite and get it on. I guess she needed to kick the tires and take him for a test drive just in case.

***

And here’s Crazy Eyes Frank. He’s dreamed about coming to Tahiti for years. He should be happy, but he’s not. He’s here to tell Ali he’s going home. Of course, we know how she’s going to take it thanks to the evil previews before each set of commercials. There will be tears. And lots of them.

Frank needs to talk to the empty vessel front man Chris Harrison to get advice. Don’t these people know Harrison is just a glorified announcer? He’s got no say, judging from the credits, in anything beyond hosting. But here’s the funny part. Frank tells Chris he’s got bad news. Chris says, “What’s up?” Just proving how far out of the loop he is. How could he not know, since a camera crew followed Frank to Chicago to meet Nicole?

Chris is asking Frank about what happened. Just watch the footage, Chris! Try to follow along, buddy! We already know all this.

Frank says he has no idea how Ali is going to take this. Really, Frank? No idea? Like there’s a small chance she might be okay with it? He really is clueless. Chris asks what he’s going to do. He has a date coming up in an hour. I say Frank should go on the date, stay in the fantasy suite overnight (if you’re picking up what I’m laying down) and then break it to her first thing in the morning. Or better yet, just grab your stuff and get out before she wakes up. Leaving a note, of course. That’s the manly way out, Frank.

But Chris, the old stick in the mud, thinks he should tell her straight up as soon as she gets here. Boo!

***

Here’s Ali telling us she and Frank have an amazing connection. She’s going to take Frank sailing. She really misses him. She’s head over heels for the guy.

They hug and here’s the “we need to talk” line. And he tags it with “can we sit down?”. Ali is already looking a bit haggard from her two previous nights in the fantasy suite. Frank’s eyes have lost their crazy. Now they’re empty. He tells her about the awesome connection they had right from the beginning. Get on with it, man. She’s crying already. He tells her that unresolved feelings for an ex were holding him back.

What we don’t know is just how recent an ex she was. Did he dump her just to go on the show? How long has it been? (Maybe that info is out there in cyberspace but you know now I don’t follow these things. But if you know, please, by all means, leave it in the comments section.)

Ali is silent throughout. He can’t stand the silence: “You’re perfect in every way, blah blah blah.” But he has no answer for Ali’s question about why he never said anything to her before now. She says she was so excited to see him. Now, not so much. Next I think she tells him that all along she was trying to tell him that he was the one. Am I wrong in that interpretation? She said, “Frank, I want to be with you,” and he kept pulling back. Does that mean she had decided it was him but just couldn’t tell him outright? Or am I reading things into it I shouldn’t be?

Ali says it was so selfish of him to have done this. Bingo! Totally and unequivocally. But, really, what’s she yammering on about? She’s got two others. Surely she wasn’t keeping them around the same way Frank was keeping her around, was she? Maybe she’s getting her just deserts. (Sidenote: I just found out two days ago that the spelling for “just deserts” is precisely that, not “just desserts”, which is what I, and many others, always thought. Apparently the root word is “deserve” so it’s kind of an archaic way of say she got just what she deserved --> deserts. Get it?)

She says she needs to deal with this somehow so asks him to go. He gets in one last close hug. I’m not a spiteful guy. I’m really not. But whenever someone gets dumped on this show, they always get a nice hug. I’d love for Ali to have turned on her heel and walked away. But no, she gives him the tender embrace that’ll keep him up at nights after a great date with Nicole. Then she walks away in tears and plops down on the sand.

***

Still half an hour to go and I’m guessing there won’t be a rose ceremony. It’s just an educated guess. I’ve been at this a long time. I’m good. So we’ve got thirty more minutes of tears.

Frank could never have imagined it would be that hard to say goodbye to her, he says. The guy just has absolutely no clue. He says he imagined the worst case scenario, and it was still way worse than that. Remember: this guy writes screenplays (or so he says). He probably should try to develop that imagination a bit more if he wants to be a successful screenwriter.

Chris Harrison strolls onto the beach like Ricardo Montalban to comfort Ali. She says she’s given up her job and her “whole freakin’ life” to be there. We’ve already disproved that notion lots before now, but I won’t harp on it given her state, but suffice it to say she’s given up nothing and got way more than she ever had before. Still, I feel for her a little bit. And vindicated for going hard on Crazy Eyes all season long.

Oh great. The power just went out here. It’s pitch black outside for blocks. Who knows how long it’ll be out for. I’ll hang around a bit longer but I might have to finish this in the morning. But no! It’s back! I was in the dark (literally) for 45 minutes. Let’s get back to the heartbreak.

Ali sobs, “This always happens to me!” and heaves a heavy sigh. But hang on there one second, young lady. You were the one leaving Jake (good move in hindsight, I must admit) because you found yourself having feelings for your old job.

And then this classic line that exemplifies her naivety not only about Frank, not only about men in general, but about the human condition: “I just don’t understand. Like, if there was another girl, why didn’t he just tell me?” Um, because she was another girl! Great literature has been written, timeless movies have been made about just this very scenario. They’re called “the other woman” for a reason. And if it were so simple as just telling one girl about the other, the novels and films would take about five minutes to read and watch.

Now she feels like Frank’s the biggest jerk she’s ever known. And she can’t help but think there’s something wrong with her. No comment.

She sits sobbing in front of the interview camera. Why doesn’t she just get up and walk away? Everyone would understand.

We watch Frank on the little boat taking him back to America.

***

But the show must go on. Ali is all dolled up as she looks at the three photos. She picks up Dorky Frank’s picture, gives it a good long look, then places it face down. Turns out there will be a rose ceremony after all. But it’ll be by acclamation because there are two roses to be given out and two guys left.

Even though we all feel for Ali, aren’t you secretly hoping, just a teensy bit, that one or both of the remaining two doesn’t accept the rose? C’mon, it’d be great television.

Ali tells Chris Harrison it’s scary for her to think she could be this far along in the process she thought that Frank could be right for her, and yet he’s so wrong. It’s so true and a lesson for each of us. You can’t just think with your heart. Your head is there for a reason. If things aren’t adding up, use both your vital organs.

Chris Harrison thinks there should be a rose ceremony. Or at least, that’s what his bosses told him to say. And he thinks Ali should be the one to tell the other two about Frank. Can’t wait to see their reaction.

Ali says, “I really want both guys to accept the rose today.” Apparently, she’s never seen any other season than the two she’s been a part of, either, because I don’t recall there ever being a rose offered and rejected. Correct me if I’m wrong. (But there’s a first time for everything. Fingers crossed!)

***

This is the first time in a long, long time (maybe ever) where the final two have both been good. Or at least both to my liking. Both these guys seem like decent, honourable guys. I think, as I’ve said, she’d have a longer relationship with Cape Cod Chris (if they can work out their geographical differences), but I’d be happy with either choice. I mean as a viewer.

Here comes Cape Cod Chris on his boat ride to the ceremony. Ali says she’s a little nervous because she has to tell Chris and Roberto that Frank left. Why would that give her nerves? Does she get stressed watching white guys high-five each other? I don’t get it.

Ali just said impor’ant for the fourth time this episode. If I had a speech impediment that made it difficult for me to pronounce a word, I’d look for another. Ali, if you’re reading this, try these on for size: paramount, crucial, vital, critical, essential, fundamental.

Roberto arrives and we’re all set. Ali just hopes that this goes well.

She cops out! She makes it sound like Frank’s boss was telling him to get his ass back to work. No mention of Frank being a two-timing jerk or confused. Just that he had matters he had to deal with back home. But Roberto and Cape Cod Chris are grinning ear to ear looking extremely happy and in love. And a bit sheepish at having banged each other’s girlfriend.

And in the least dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor/ette history, Chris accepts his rose. And without Chris Harrison coming back out to say only one rose remains, she offers Roberto the second rose. And he honours her offer. (And all night long he was on ‘er and off ‘er.)

They toast each other with champagne and Ali tells the guys they’re off to Bora Bora, where they’ll meet her family. But we won’t get to see it next week because it’ll be the reunion show we won’t want to miss. Oh yeah, it’ll be a good one. We’ve got the Wrassler, the Sarnia Sleaze, the Midget Weather Man, Ugly Craig, Big Ears Ty and Batty Kasey and his tattoo. Will Crazy Eyes be there? I would hope so, but we’ll see. (Interesting to see in the clip Crazy Eyes saying the Wrassler was the biggest liar.) And in two weeks, Chris Harrison assures us it’ll be “the most dramatic season finale in Bachelorette history.” I’m positive it will be because he’s never said that before.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can commit to two more weeks. Can you?

Week 8: Dangling legs

Welcome back to this little corner of the blogosphere. Great comments last week, people. I’d totally read your blogs on this show if you had them. So keep up with your takes on what we’re watching.

Faith mentioned Tenley, whose name, of course, I remember but my memory being what it is, I couldn’t place her. So I Googled Tenley and found her website. I totally remember her and how sweet she was, but get a load of her new look. After seeing the photos on there, I still didn’t recognize her (that's her on the right). It took me a while. And if you click on the contact tab, you’ll see she’s got a person to write to if you want Tenley for appearances, someone for media and publicity requests, and some for “other business or professional matters”. Who needs Tenley, the dancing queen, for an appearance, you ask? Well, it turns out that “Tenley has had a heartbreaking personal journey and now shares a message of hope and inspiration.” She seemed like she was on the show for the requisite “right reasons” but seeing all this gives me pause. Is she just seizing an opportunity that came out of her appearance on The Bachelor, or was this her plan all along?

What a week. First off, Jake and Vienna absolutely stun, well, nobody, actually, with their on-camera argument post-break-up, then news comes out (thanks Karen for the scoop!) that my wonderful Jillian finally saw the light and ditched dull Ed. Funny, last week I even mentioned them, saying, and I quote (thus the quotation marks), “Jillian has way too much class and humour to ever let her relationship with the half-wit end in such public humiliation.” And sure enough I was right. But do you think they had been trying to figure out a way to break the inevitable break-up to the world and when the Jake and Vienna meltdown was shown, they figured, “Now’s our chance. Nobody will even notice”? Me, too.

What was the name of the Chandler/Michael Keaton look-alike I liked so much in Jillian’s season? The funny realtor from Philly. I think they should totally rekindle their relationship. On national TV, of course.

Okay, but enough about those past failures. Let’s concentrate on this future failure. Ali’s got four fellas left at her disposal. And tonight she meets the parents.

They’re home from Europe (and Asia, if they happened to stroll into that section of Istanbul). Ali jets off from Los Angeles to Tampa, Florida, to meet Roberto and his folks. Her ride pulls up and Ali dashes out as she and Roberto run to each other. But this is telling. He embraces her and lifts her in the air but her legs are lifeless, just hanging from her hips instead of wrapping themselves around Roberto’s midsection. That’s not a good sign.

Roberto takes Ali to the baseball diamond at his old university and gives her a jersey. Then he disappears and runs back out in his Tampa uniform. Good move, because Ali thinks a baseball uniform is just about the sexiest thing a guy can wear. Sorry sumo wrestlers.

After horsing around on the field and taking batting practice, Roberto, recognizing he didn’t get the leg wrap earlier, lifts her up at second base and practically moves her legs so they’ll wrap around his waist. But she doesn’t keep them up for more than a second or two. Then, after they round third and stomp on home plate, he lifts her up a third time and her legs remain limp. I think she likes Roberto but will ultimately give him the “just good friends” line.

Sitting on the field, Roberto whips out his own baseball card from when he played on a team in Ali’s hometown. What are the odds? I think he probably has a baseball card of himself Photoshopped onto whatever team he needs to win over whoever he’s dating.

He tells her his dad is tough and his mom is passive and doesn’t like to argue. It’ll take a few days for that to sink in, but she’ll conclude eventually that if the old chestnut doesn’t fall far from the tree, she might not want to be in that type of scenario down the road. I mean, Roberto doesn’t seem that way at all, but he’s on TV. Granted, that hasn’t stopped so many others from revealing their ugly sides.

***

Roberto says “bringing Ali home today is a sign to them that I’m very serious about this.” Really, Roberto? It’s not a sign that you’re contractually obligated or pressured by the cameras a little bit?

Ali is going to meet Roberto’s dad, Roberto, his mother Olga, and his sister, Olga. Nice egos on the parents. Whenever I see the old Jr./Sr. thing, I always think, what if the kid turned out to be rotten? Or notorious? Like a mass murderer or something. Look what happened to Dick Smothers, of Smothers Brothers fame. His first son was named Dick Smothers, Jr. and what did he do? He became a porn star. I mean, he was given the perfect name for such a thing, but still. According to a CNN story, the senior Smothers said, "My first reaction was, 'What name are you going to use?' ... He says he's going to use his name, and I said, 'Wait a minute. That's my name. I had it first.'" Let that be a lesson to future parents out there.

I can’t figure out who the mom is and who the daughter is. And I can’t figure out whether that’s a compliment to the mom or an insult to the daughter. Probably the former.

The dad is tough but not too tough. In a room filled with athletic trophies his son won, he gets down to business, wanting to know if Ali and her big dreams will accommodate Roberto’s big dreams (code for stay at home and look after her man). He’s looking out for the best interest of his son.

Both mom and pop give Roberto, Jr. their blessings for a future union. No mention if they would also bless a future on-screen break-up like we saw last week or if they’d just prefer a quiet press release.

After all the talk, mom and dad get up and shake their booty, Latin-style. They’re good. Then Ali gets up and shows that she’s the whitest woman on Earth, but gives it the old college try.

***

Next up is Cape Cod Chris, so guess where they are? Chris is excited to match the two things he loves (Cape Cod and his family) to Ali (something he likes?).

They trot to each other on the beach and hug. Ali gets no air. If you’re going to rate greetings, here’s what the order would be, from worst to first, in a handy-dandy reference guide you can print off and consult when the need arises. Ali and Chris's greeting is in bold:

• Handshake
• No touching whatsoever
• Lean-in hug
• Close hug with a tap on the back
• Close long hug
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air
• Run to each other and close hug, no air
• Close long hug followed by kiss on the cheek
• Close long hug followed by a perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air, kiss on the cheek
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Run to each other and close hug, no air, kiss on the cheek
• Run to each other and close hug, no air, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, kiss on the cheek
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, kiss on the cheek
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, kiss on the cheek
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Close long hug followed by a deep kiss
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air, deep kiss
• Run to each other and close hug, no air, deep kiss
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, deep kiss
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, deep kiss
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, deep kiss
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, deep kiss

As you can see, they’ve got a long way to go. She says she hasn’t seen all sides of Chris and she’s hoping he opens up more. I still don’t get what she wants. I don’t see anyone else opening up any more than he has.

Meanwhile, Chris calls her the “perfect girlfriend”. He’d never leave her, I bet. And that means she’ll never pick him. Nice guys finish last. Or, in this case, no worse than 4th, but probably not first.

They enter the house and Ali makes a beeline for the photos of his late mother, which, she says, are all over the house. And she feels closer to Chris than she ever has to this point. They sit on the porch and pretend to be an old couple. Chris tells her she makes him smile and happy. Ali tells us she’s really feeling him today.

***

Chris’s dad walks in. He seems like the perfect patriarch. Then the brothers and their wives arrive, one of whom (Sara) looks like Maria Shriver (left) at a normal weight and without a facelift and normal-sized teeth. They have the same low hairline. Or maybe all Massachussettsians look pretty much the same.

(Aside time: I’ve never met anyone who can’t pronounce the first ‘t’ in important, like Ali, but I’ve seen it on TV. Is it a regionalism? Anyone got any info on that?)

Chris’s dad always told his mom, “Love is the only reality. And if you have love, nothing else matters.” Not sure a homeless person would agree, but it’s a nice sentiment.

***

Chris’s dad kinda reminds me of The Friendly Giant (maybe my American friends won’t get that reference, but that’s him in the photo. He was a hero to Canadian kids of my vintage). The dad says to Ali that he knows she left her job to be with her grandmother... I know she left her job to do The Bachelorette; I didn’t know about the grandmother. Hmm, is this a pattern? Is Ali all talk when it comes to jobs? She comes off all career-oriented, but she’ll quit at the first chance she gets?

The dad thinks Ali’s a keeper. I think Chris is in way too deep. They climb a mini tower somewhere out back of their home and Chris goes in for a kiss. She turns her head so he goes for the neck. Ali says, “I like it when you kiss my neck” but her internal editor doesn’t let slip the rest: “because it grosses me out when you kiss my lips.” Finally, he grabs her by the back of the neck and forces himself on her. She kisses back but it looks to me like she’s not really into it and backs off at the first chance. Oh, poor, poor Chris. Ali’s got a very good thing there and she doesn’t know it.

***

Next up is Mouldy Kirk’s family in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Ali does the slow trot, and Kirk gets her airborn but her legs dangle. There are no kisses until Kirk grabs her by the jawline, saying, “Come here” and plants a wet one on her. She complies but not wholeheartedly.

Kirk comes from a split home, he says, and Ali needs to see both sides. Apparently, his parents don’t even speak to each other. Ali, too, comes from a broken home but her parents speak, as did mine. How bad is it when two middle-aged or old people who have grown kids can’t even sit in the same room together for TV’s sake?

His dad sure looks young. Maybe that’s why. Or maybe he just looks young because my reference points are so old. He and his new wife have an adopted pre-teen daughter, so he can’t be that old. And this is TV, so he can’t be as creepy as the edit they’re giving him, either. He says, “So Ali, would you like to go see my basement?”, with a lecherous grin. We’ve all known for weeks what’s down there, though, so there’s no surprise. All the walls are covered with stuffed animal heads. “This is what I do,” he says. “This is my taxidermy work. I bring animals back to life.” That’s a pleasant spin, isn’t it? He brings them to life and keeps them locked up in his basement. What a humanitarian!

Then he opens up a freezer. Because that’s what you do when you’re showing your son’s girlfriend around, right? She asks what the bags are. He says, “You don’t really want to know what that is, do you?” But it’s not what you think. They’re just frozen dead animals.

Kirk’s dad is great, says Ali, once she got past the initial shock of the animals. The dad says he’d love to have Ali around all the time. I bet he would.

After a successful date at dad’s place, Kirk gets to take her to his mom’s place. Extra TV time. Coming from a broken home finally pays off.

***

Kirk now shows off the women in his life: his mom, grandmother and sister. Seeing Ali with them makes Kirk all warm inside. Now he’s finally ready to give in a relationship. This is what he wants.

I won’t say his mom looks all that young, but she’s wearing braces. The ladies seem great. Nice family. It makes me wonder, though, just how bitter the breakup was between the mom and dad that they couldn’t even sit there all together and meet their son’s potential future ex-fiancée.

***

Crazy Eyes Frank is back in Chicago. I don’t know why but I always thought of him as a Seattle guy. I don’t know what that tells me about him or Seattle.

Ali is really, really into this guy for reasons only the editors know. Just the sight of him walking towards her makes her run straight to him. Frank barely broke into a trot. She gets some air on the embrace but the cameras don’t show us from the waist down. Still, the fact she ran to him tells me she’s into him the most. She can’t contain herself. She keeps going on how funny he is. Still haven’t seen it. I mean, not an ounce of it.

Sitting on a boat, Frank tells Ali he has concerns about the date. The process just sucks, he says because he’s obviously never seen a single episode of this show from all the seasons past. He has these awesome feelings, but then has to be away from her. It’s a very stressful ordeal. He’s just never entirely confident. Wah-wah, what a whiner.

I love the t-shirt he’s wearing. He looks like a French mime. Could that neckline be any lower?

***

Ali is getting to the point where she really needs the stay-at-home retail manager to step up. They arrive home to meet Frank’s mom and dad. I know I’m getting old because they look young, too. They’re really funny, unlike their pedestrian son. Okay, maybe it is all in the editing. He must be somewhat funny with parents like that.

Frank’s pregnant sister had a big butt... No, wait. She had a big ‘but’. She started to say they look so happy together, “but--” and was interrupted by Frank. I wonder what she was going to say. She tells Ali Frank’s an emotional guy who’s guided by his emotions. No kidding. It's all right there in his crazy eyes.

We didn’t get to see Frank’s room. I would have thought Ali would want to see where she’d be sleeping should she choose him. And I wanted to see if he had Spider-Man sheets on his bed.

***

Well, that’s it for the hometown dates. Ali says she’s crazy about all four of these guys and it breaks her heart to let one of them go after meeting their families. She sits down with Chris to rehash the four dates. She was enthusiastic about all of them. The only one she didn’t have a cautious word about was Roberto, which tells me he’s the one to go. Chris asks if her husband is among those guys. She sighs, mentions she’s scared, but says yes. She’s already crying about the prospect of sending one of them home. Can’t wait until the rose ceremony.

***

Roberto is looking a little ragged, with his tie all askew. Ali enters and starts to blubber during her pre-rose speech but pulls herself together in time. We know Frank is in since we know all too well his “we need to talk” line is in a future episode.

• First rose goes to Roberto. Oh good! Glad I was wrong about that.
• Second rose goes to Chris. So we know, thanks to the brutal editors of this stupid show, that Kirk is a goner since we’ve seen Frank in upcoming highlights.
• The last rose goes to... Frank. Chris Harrison should have announced that this would be “the least dramatic last rose in Bachelorette history!”

She mouths “sorry” to Mouldy Kirk. They sit down together and he tells her not to be sorry. She’s bawling. But he tells her it’s okay; it just sucks. As he turns to get in the limo, she whines, “I need a hug.” He complies but should have just slammed the door.

Kirk didn’t see this coming. He’s never had his heart broken before because he’s usually the one to leave in a relationship. Karma’s a bitch, dude.

Back inside, Ali is all smiles, glad she shedded that dead weight. She tells the guys they’re going to Tahiti next. But of course we’ve known for weeks. But at least we'll finally be able to see what, exactly, is up with Crazy Eyes Frank.