Bachelor Pad 2: Are we doing this?

Who's in for Bachelor Pad? Anyone? Who got scared away by the 3-hour time slot? God, I loves me some Bachelor action, but three hours? Yeah, yeah, I watched it, but still.

It was a fun premier episode but I'm such a sore loser when the people I want out aren't voted out, it spoils the whole thing for me. How are the two dimmest bulbs in the house the power couple? Why is anyone following their lead? I just don't get it. Makes absolutely no sense. Didn't they watch Vienna and Kasey on their respective seasons? What am I missing?

The show did a great job, for the most part, of re-introducing us to the characters and giving their back story. I won't recap it all here for you because I'm guessing you watched it. I'll just offer a few opinions each week.

Obviously the big storyline was the reunion, of sorts, of Jake and Vienna. If the world had any sympathy for Vienna after the break-up that shook the world, I think it's safe to say it has vanished. She remains a duplicitous nut-job. The fact she's hooked up with Batty Kasey is awesome. We here at Bachelor Blog wish them the best. The Wrassler (still one of my favourite guys of all time on this show) said it best when he described this power couple as Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.

Actually, the Wrassler had lots of good lines tonight. He called Alli a drunken moron and a 24-year-old with big fake boobs, and got Kasey again by calling him King Ding-a-Ling. The only person who makes me laugh more than the Wrassler is Ames, who wasn't much of a presence this week but still had a great unintentional laugh. It wasn't what he said (I didn't even jot it down) but his delivery. And I'm not laughing at him. I genuinely like the guy. I'd give anything for him to be the next Bachelor.

Did you catch the sloppy continuity? Early on, we saw Vienna holding a tumbler with a whiskey-coloured drink then it cuts back to her reacting and she's holding a tall glass with dark liquid in it. Not a huge deal, but it shows how they find reaction shots from other situations and plug them into scenes. Later, we're watching Jake in his suit at the house. Then we see him tell us he needs to speak to King Ding-a-Ling and he's wearing a ratty t-shirt and ball cap. Cut to him approaching King Ding-a-Ling wearing the suit again. The next day we see Jake wearing the t-shirt/cap combo so that's when he told us he needed to speak to da King, not the night before when he actually did speak to him. Oh, reality TV, don't take us for fools just because we waste three hours watching you.

Back to the power couple, the Drama Queen and King Ding-a-Ling found themselves fighting it out with their arch-rival Prince Smiles-a-lot in the challenge. Jake and Jackie out-lasted them in the Couples Hang (or whatever nonsense they call the competition). And wasn't Vienna just the perfect empathetic partner? When King Ding-a-Ling (I think this nickname is going to stick) sat brooding in the pool, the Drama Queen (likewise) sat stewing beside him. She couldn't contain herself for long before blurting out, "I was king of expecting a little bit more from you." Her M.O., it appears from tonight's show and upcoming highlights, is to goad KDL then get defensive when he reacts. She is so not worth the needless and endless drama.

When Jake and Jackie were given an extra rose to hand out to one lucky person, Jake foolishly gave it to Vienna because a Prince always needs to be perceived as a Prince. He wanted one little sit-down with the royal couple and he was contrite and apologetic for raising his voice to her on national TV. To his face, Vienna looked touched. Maybe she was, who knows? But once she had time to compose herself, she said it was torture having to sit and listen to him, saying "it literally made me sick". She then called him a phony robot and a complete monster. To prove her undying devotion to Kermit... er, I mean King Ding-a-Ling... she whispered to him, "You're my everything. I'm serious." You know you have trust issues when you have to follow up words of love with "I'm serious." She followed it with, "I'm gonna marry you. And I'm gonna have your babies." To drive her point home, they go to the bedroom and she whips off her panties right there on TV and climbs into bed with the King. Yes, it was a grainy black & white video that looked like surveillance footage, but I'm sure she must have been told cameras would be in all the rooms. Let's hope they conceived right then and there.

But let's face it, that was a brutally stupid move by Jake to give her the rose. He just wanted a chance to talk to them but he had hours after his date with Jackie to sit down with them. Meanwhile, he left his best bud Gia worried about her future. Jake said he'd "seriously disappoint and confuse some people no matter who I give it to." Uh, not quite, Jakester. Everyone, Vienna included, figured you'd do the right thing and give it to Gia. Nobody would have been confused by that.

But Gia was safe, as it turned out. And so was King Ding-a-Ling, who I really wanted to see go. Gone instead were the Wrassler and Alli. It'll be a less fun show without our Canadian bad boy there but the upcoming highlights look promising. Somebody calls Blake a sociopath. I never liked Blake but can't put my finger on it. He does give off that sociopath vibe, though, so maybe that's it. We'll see. Then we have King Ding-a-Ling saying his beloved Drama Queen is more of a fame whore than Jake. And the Queen implies that she cares more about the money than she does the man she wants to make babies with.

Usually at the end of every show we get to see some bloopers or funny little segment that never made it to air. Tonight they decided to go the skit route by having the Masked Man climb the fence, peep in through the window, then take a dump while reading a People magazine about Ashley and Bentley. Boo to this. The reality is manufactured enough in this franchise without making it blatantly so.

But I'll be back. There are big problems with the game but I'm not sure what they are. I'd love to hear your opinions on the matter. It's entertaining, but still it could be better. And it still bugs the hell out of me that they don't announce the votes on the elimination. I want to know who all received votes. The way it is now smacks too much of Bush over Gore and we know how that worked out.

Week 11: "Wow, I didn't see this one coming"

The title says it all. And while I share Ben's sentiment, I also kinda figured Ashley would choose the underwhelming J.P. It makes perfect sense. She was warned away from Bentley, which only served to draw her closer to him. And then big sis warned her away from J.P. She's a feisty one, that Ashley. Nobody tells her who to love. She'll love them despite everyone. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's back up a bit. I like to go in order.

We started out the most dramatic season finale ever (and this time, maybe they got it right) with the requisite flashbacks with the voice-over asking, "But will he propose?" Who's in charge of continuity in this series? It was less than 24 hours ago that we saw both Ben and J.P. getting down and proposing to Ashley. The producers have zero confidence in their product. They just can't believe viewers watch each episode.

Tonight was the night we saw the boys meet Ashley's family in Fiji. And it might very well have been the best meeting of the family in series history. Not only because Amy Winehouse came back from the black to guest star, but because she called it as she saw it. Japes, not the funnest guy to begin with, was a little stiff meeting Ashley's mom, step-dad, brother and sister. He made Ames look like Andy Dick. Big sister Chrystie noticed this right off the bat and asked Ashley at the dinner table if J.P. makes her laugh. Ashley stumbled through an answer and the rest, as they say, is history. Tears flowed, accusations thrown, names called. And despite her typical big sister ways, Chrystie, I think, nailed it. And the best part is she didn't back down. She told J.P. what she thought flat-out (he's too old and "demure" for the wild and crazy Ashley) and just can't see them together long-term. Then in a tete-a-tete with Ashley, Chrystie didn't soften one iota. It was awesome.

Ash's mom told Ashley to follow her heart which is just about the last thing in the world Ashley should do. She has one of the stupidest hearts we've seen on this show. It doesn't know what's best for her. The best advice would be to listen carefully to what her heart is telling her... and then do the exact opposite.

Chrystie told J.P. that she wouldn't be happy if he proposed, questioned why a man of his age would be single (he's 34), and said there wasn't anything he could do to turn things around. Yeah, yeah, she did her mea culpa on the After The Final Rose show, but she had little choice.

When the two sisters sat down and hashed it out, Chrystie rightfully pointed out to Ash that her heart (or gut) once led her to the cretinous Bentley, too, so how could she trust it now? She said she wants to protect Ashley from herself. And mentioned, on a few occasions, that she's a rational person (despite the poor choices she made with body art) rather than an emotional one like younger sister. That's exactly how I am, too. And I have those types of discussions with friends and loved ones where they're all emotional and I'm trying to shove rationality down their throats and I can see now how horribly frustrating it must be to listen to someone like me. But here's my argument for rationality over emotion: How do emotional people get over some negative emotion that's got them all in a tizzy? They eventually use their brains to get through it. Why not just skip the middle man?

J.P. was pissed off at Chrystie and wasn't all too thrilled with Ashley's reaction, either. He wanted more support from her. The guy is fragile. How many times did he talk about heartbreak tonight? And how many times have we heard about his last bout of heartbreak? Is it possible Ashley chose him because she didn't want to have to deal with the fallout of breaking his heart?

Next up was Ben, who wowed the Hebert family, sister included. Throughout the show, I was so impressed with him. He's young, good-looking, successful, thoughtful, fun, articulate, intelligent, and does ridiculous dog voices. And he and Ashley seemed like the perfect match. When he was interrogated by Chrystie, I thought he must have been tipped off about what to say because he nailed it. He told her he was in love with Ashley, said he could tell she was in love with him by where the laughter was coming from (fending off the question of whether he makes her laugh), and stated that they were at the right age and points in their careers (i.e. not an old geezer like J.P.).

One knock on Chrystie's otherwise sound arguments came when she wondered if they would be able to maintain that upbeat, positive energy long-term. Afterall, she said, she's been married and divorced. Well, that explains things. Methinks Chrystie has unreasonably high expectations of marriage. Long-term relationships have ebbs and flows. It's not all dance dance party party all the time.

On their last date, Ashley and Ben sauntered along. Ashley asked Ben what he expected. He had no idea. I seriously was thinking he should say helicopter because it is The Bachelorette, afterall. And sure enough, there's a helicopter. It whisked them away to a healing mud bath where the two of them caressed mud all over each other erotically. That night, he finally tells her he loves her and they start kissing, their walls fall down and they're like two kids in love. She wraps her leg over him as they make out, revealing a zit on her bum. Yes, like two kids, indeed. But it's scenes like this, and the numerous other make-out scenes with Ben, that I just know must be eating away at J.P. How can a jealous guy like that watch what she had with Ben and just let it slide?

On her date with Japes, he also tells her that he's in love with her, upping the ante by including "madly". They also kiss, but it lacks what she showed with Ben. A hint, though, did pass her lips. As she pulled away, she said, "You're the best ever." Okay, but with Ben, she never pulled away.

J.P. also made a visit to the props department and got them to put together a photo album. Then he headed over to the writers' room and got them to pen the most obsequious note, which, natch, she fell for:

My dearest Ashley,
This is the first chapter to the greatest love story ever told. The past few months have been the happiest of my life and I can't wait to see what the future holds. Meeting you has changed my life forever and falling in love with you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. When we look back years from now, still happy and very much in love, we'll always remember this time in our lives when Ashley and J.P. first began. I love you, baby, with all my heart and I can't wait for the next chapter.
Love always,
J

Ashley told us she gets lost in J.P. and she's totally infatuated with him. Me, I don't get it, but then again it's not for me to get. I think he's one of the least charismatic finalists we've seen in a long time. Maybe she was looking for a father figure. And when we saw her printing in her diary (yes, she allowed the camera to film part of her diary entry), you really got a sense of just how young she is. Printing? I've heard from teacher friends that cursive writing is on the outs but this is the first I've seen of it from an adult, let alone a near-dentist.

Then it comes time to break Ben's heart. And despite her making the wrong choice, it was perhaps the best break-up in series history. Going into it, Ben was as confident as we've seen him all season. He talked about proposing to her and saying "she will say yes". He called their relationship a fairy tale (little did he know it was a Grimm fairy tale) and tearfully spoke of his deceased father, whom he lost 4.5 years ago but he'd be getting a new family member today. Ouch.

He strode confidently up to her. Her first words were, "Um... I..." and Ben took that as a cue he was the guy. So he took over, telling her how completely and utterly vulnerable he was. To prove his point, he got down on one knee, opened the ring box, flashed a big smile and said, "Will you marry me and make me the happiest man on Earth?"

Doh! And so began the greatest exit in series history. "Wow. I didn't see this one coming." As Chris Harrison said later, it was one of the most genuine reactions they've ever seen on this show. Finally, someone who doesn't walk back arm in arm. He simply said, "I guess that's it, right?" and walked off. Ashley caught up to him telling him how much she cares about him. "What I don't need you to do is sugarcoat it." This was Ben's shining moment. He showed emotion and intelligence with this gem: "You can't leave something like this on good terms. It's not possible. Good things don't end unless they end badly." He's a wise sage, that Ben.

Yay, Ben! Ben for the next Bachelor. That's a given, right?

I don't know why he thought J.P. was a safer bet than him, though. Because he and Ashley both live on the east coast? I can't think of any other reason. After sitting with the producers and saying there were no hints along the way, they gave Ben an Eskimo funeral, putting him onto a small boat and sending him to sea. Actually, we know from the After the Final Rose show that he took several flights back home, so where was that motorboat taking him? It was heading to the open waters.

When J.P. showed up, it was anti-climactic. Ashley said she thought Japes would make the best husband and the best father. Maybe. She's know better than us. I just didn't see anything that suggested he'd be any better or worse a husband or father than Ben. When he couldn't wipe the perma-smile off his face, Ashley said she always tells him he's going to get wrinkles when he's older. All I could think was he's got them now.

On After The Final Rose, the crowd cheered over the announcement of the selection. Am I completely out to lunch on this? Since I don't read anything about the show, I have no idea what the people think. Wasn't Ben the favourite? But maybe the ladies were cheering because it meant that Ben was still available.

You know I'm not a fan of the endless recaps in this series. It's bad enough when it's only been one week since the last episode, but how ridiculous is it to show recaps when what they're recapping occurred five minutes ago?!

Ashley continues to redefine her look, coming out as a dark brunette this time with her hair parted on the other side. Just when I was getting used to her old new look. When Ben sarcastically said, "Nice ring," there were gasps from the ladies. Jeezus, people are overly sensitive.

Ben asked her when she knew she'd chosen J.P. She replied that at one point she thought it would be Ben, but "it gets to a point where you have to follow your heart and that's what I did." Uh, can I have a follow-up? When exactly was that point, was the question. Was it that day, earlier in the week, day one? When? What kind of non-answer was that? She has a career in politics ahead of her.

Then we were treated to a special sneak-peak of a new series... for nine minutes yet! The only thing worse is that I think it sucked me in. Damn you, ABC.

The line of the night goes to Chrystie for accepting J.P. Rosenbaum into the family by talking about the amazing Christmases they'll have together. Classic.

So that's it. I guess I wish them the best. We only get to see a fraction of their relationship so maybe she made the right choice. It's highly unlikely, given her heart's faulty intelligence, but one never knows, do one?

Week 10: Some men tell some

Tonight was the special The Men Tell All episode. These episodes are always more fun imagining what they might be like rather than what it turns out to be. They're given two hours and what do they do? More recaps and long promo pieces for the upcoming Bachelor Pad. When they get around to airing out their differences, they do a couple gripes and move on. I'd rather see two hours of infighting, but that's just me.

Early in the process, host Chris Harrison suggested that during the segment on Bentley they would discuss whether the producers of the show should have informed Ashley of what they knew. For a brief moment, I not only thought I'd finally get an answer to something that really irked me, but I thought maybe they even read this space. I kind of exist in a vacuum. I know there are dozens and dozens of other Bachelor/ette blogs out in cyberspace but I don't read a single one of them. So I'm going to go on believing none of them harped on the subject and that the powers that be read my entries.

But despite Harrison alluding to it in the intro, nary a mention was made when it came time to rehash the Bentley situation. And what a disappointing segment that turned out to be. Most people were probably expecting this segment to be the juiciest but they barely talked about it. What we did find out was former villain and former beauty Michelle was the one who texted Ashley about Bentley's intentions. No wonder Ashley disregarded the warning. Beyond that, we heard Blake call Bentley a "narcissist, liar and a coward." End scene.

Later Ashley, in proving that she's completely over Bentley, shed more tears in talking about him. Yup, totally over him. And despite the process completely proving her instincts to be horrible, she declared she'll continue to be guided by her heart: "That's how I live my life and I'll never change that." Yeah, why change what's so clearly working for you?

Another Harrison head-scratcher: He called the masked man "easily the most talked about person in the history of the show." Really? Not Bentley? Not Wes? Not any number of now-forgotten weirdos?

In a segment on formerly unseen footage, it flew by. They'd run the clip, that was neither informative nor particularly entertaining, then quickly move on to the next one, ending on a shot of Vaseline on the night table next to Ashley's bed. It's not what you think it's for. But she should have pretended it was because her real answer was a complete turn-off: she rubs Vaseline all over her lips and lower face before going to bed. "You don't want to sleep next to me," she said. How did she know?!

One thing that struck me during the elongated promo for Bachelor Pad was how quickly I forget the names of people I spent ridiculing for a whole season. I can't even remember which season they were a part of. But I think I'll be watching anyway.

Oh, poor sweet William. Does everyone hate him? Am I the only one who sympathizes with him? He's the only one who understood what a roast was and he was vilified for it. Sure, in hindsight, he shouldn't have made the joke about wanting Emily or what's-her-face (see?) instead of Ashley, but there's no way he would have made the joke if that's what he really thought. But wasn't it adorable seeing him sitting there with his fingers in his ears while his highlight reel played?

And poor sweet Ryan. I admit it was kind of cringe-inducing when he proudly stated he read three books of questions (?) to prepare for the show as an example of him taking the process seriously, I don't think he should be ridiculed for it, as I'm sure he will be. He's just an earnest well-meaning guy. Cut him some slack.

Ames proved to be the crowd favourite. And since he's a contestant on the upcoming BP, I bet the producers are slapping their foreheads now. He probably should have been selected as the next Bachelor judging by the reaction he received tonight. And oh how I'd love that. It would be the best season ever. Ames told Chris he took it slow with Ashley because he wanted the relationship to last forever, presumably something he learned from the ancient Greek philosopher Aesop.

Then we were treated to the usual assortment of past contestants (is that what you call them?). Apparently Trista and Ryan were unavailable. Now we'll never know how their kids are doing and how much they still love each other... Hey, wait a minute... Maybe they're relationship is on the rocks? How else to explain their absence? Let's start that rumour! And while we're at it, we can start the "Ali has let herself go" rumour based on the muumuu she was sporting. Isn't that why people wear them? Anyway, we got Ali, Jason and DeAnna and they all commiserated with poor Ashley. At least that's how it sounded even though Ashley is "very very happy."

Later tonight we'll find out what happens. The promos showed both JP and Ben getting down on one knee and proposing. The voice-over asked which one, if any, she would choose. I think she'll go with Ben. So put your money on JP because I'm usually wrong.