Creepy Chris is beyond painful

Just got done watching the latest episode. My wife, who watched it last night, said she just isn't as into this season as past seasons. Is that a trend? I think it's equally fantastic/horrific. Well, maybe not like the Jake & Vienna fiasco, but fun in its own more genteel way.

The gang was in Prague this week. Turns out the hometown dates are next week. That happened fast. I've barely had time to develop a good cringe on all but Creepy Chris. But this week atoned for that. I was feeling a bit bad having rushed the 'Creepy' nickname on young Christopher, thinking maybe I was relying too much on his shifty eyes and thin lips. Thank God he came through in the clutch! Creepy Chris, as a nickname, now seems a little tame, if anything.

There were four dates in Prague: three one-on-ones, and one group date. There'd be no roses on the one-on-ones; just on the group date. First date goes to Speed Racer Arie.

Miss Emily and Speed Racer walk slowly through the ancient city, kissing almost the whole way. And long, sultry kisses, too. She means it. She had the crazy love eyes working overtime. But still there was something eating away at her. She knew something Arie didn't, and that was that Arie had a brief fling many years ago with a Bachelorette producer. Wait, that sounds wrong. To be clear, Arie also knew he had this relationship. What he didn't know was that Miss Emily knew it, too.

In talking to said producer, Miss Emily said she wouldn't care if he told her, but he hasn't told her so she cares. And she doesn't bring it up, except to coyly lead him there with probing questions and comments. Arie says, "I'm very trustworthy. I've always been a trustworthy person." That didn't quite do it, so she went on, saying, "I like having no secrets." Aries responded with, "I like that. That's good. It's better to be upfront and honest – almost too honest." Still nothing.

Finally he caves! There is one thing he's been hiding from her: He has a tattoo of an old girlfriend's name on his inner upper arm, which has since been covered up with more ink. Oh, Arie, why can't you know exactly what she's thinking about when something's bothering her? You'll never make a good husband.

But, according to the always reliable Chris Harrison, Miss Emily, Speed Racer and the Producer sat down and had a 3-way... Hang on. I mean they hashed it out. Off camera, though. Arie said, according to Harrison, that the relationship was so brief and so long ago, he didn't even think of it. Then we see them on a boat, back to lovey-dovey faces. Arie said he didn't want to be dishonest and that the fling didn't even cross his mind. It seems he's always having to apologize to her. Yet he doesn't seem to care (yet). He said, "I think I realize that I love you." And she gives him the googly-oogliest eyes I've ever seen from her. I think it's safe to say she's into him.

Meanwhile, back at wherever it is the rest of the dudes are staying, Creepy Chris is stewing. "It's beyond painful," the drama queen says. And this bit of unintentional hilarity: "I'm livid but I don't show it." Apparently Prague is now 100% mirror-free.

An open lock: a bad omen

The next one-on-one was the first for Wolfman John. Miss Emily says she hopes John realizes that time is running out. So she elicits romance by playing tour guide again: "During Communism, music was censored here," she says. They then find a fence with locks attached. It just so happens Miss Emily has a lock in her purse, which she's rigged so it won't close thereby allowing her to attach some fake significance to it. Since the lock is supposed to represent eternal love, and since it won't close momentarily, Miss Emily thinks it reminds her of their relationship, which isn't a good sign. Forget the fact that the Wolfman resourcefully figured out it needed the key to close fully. What does that represent? That he'll work on their relationship in rough times to ensure it lasts instead of giving up? Nah! It represents what she wants it to represent.

There seems to be no love connection between the two, but Miss Emily says, "I'm still confused about how I feel about John." Really? How come everyone else knows?

He tells her he's not a starter; he's a closer. Emily gives a vacant smile and says she likes that. They kiss. Only no arms were used. I find that's a good indicator. It was all lips. But Wolfman took the base hit as a home run. He's confident he'll get a hometown date now. This one scored 10/10. He strolls back into the room with the other guys with an heretofore unseen swagger.

Selective Sean couldn't stand it. He decided to go on the prowl for Miss Emily, even though he had no idea where she was. He runs around Prague shouting her name and eventually finds her in an alley. She was fully made up, as if she were on her way out somewhere, but she looks genuinely thrilled to see him. She tells him, "This is a nice surprise. An awesome surprise. I missed you." He says, "What are you doing walking out here by yourself?" She shuts him up with a kiss, which surely must have tasted like the Wolfman. Openness is not a two-way street, Sean. Only Miss Emily is allowed to have secrets.

They head out and grab a beer, where they kiss some more. And then they really go at it in an alley, with full arm action. It looked like foreplay. That's how you do it, Wolfman.

The group date the next night is with Selective Sean, Daddy Dougie and Creepy Chris. And the Creepster is pissed. Again. Or still. The petulant child says it's worse than a group date with ten other guys. Meanwhile, Doug loved it – no pressure at all to get close for the old-fashioned fella.

But wait, there was. When he sat down with Miss Emily in a castle nook, his arms were crossed. He even apologized when he knee accidentally grazed her knee. Miss Emily could take it no longer. She said, "If he doesn't want to get close to me now, he'll never want to." Really? Not even after the lights and crew aren't around to magnify his every move?

"Thanks for the kiss. Now scram!"

Turns out he was just waiting for her to give him a signal, like his grandpappy always told him women do. So she leads him out to the plaza and gives him the I'm-dumping-you speech, which was the perfect time. Right in the middle of it, he leans over and gives her a peck on the lips, then leaned back with a smug I'm-the-man smirk. Miss Emily said, "Thank you for that," then kept right on truckin' with the break-up.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked. She explained that they weren't opening up like they should be. "I feel really stupid for just giving you a kiss," he said. As he should.

Post-dump, he said he didn't see it coming. The kiss, he realized, was "a day late and a dollar short." Not only that, but, "I think my girl radar is just totally broken." He thought Emily would appreciate someone just wanting to get to know her – the real her. The real her, it turns out, is more interested in sex.

So the 3-on-1 date turned into one of those awkward 2-on-1 dates, magnified by the fact that Creepy Chris was one of the two. There's some kind of Let's Make a Deal key game to see who gets to spend the first alone time with her. Sean one and to his credit Chris didn't shove the losing key down Sean's throat.

When he finally got his alone time, Creepy Chris tells Miss Emily he's a little upset with her. Always a smooth move. But it ends with a kiss. A no-arm kiss, though. In fact, Miss Emily was backing away throughout it.

Not surprisingly, she gave the rose to Selective Sean. The tension was building. "I am pissed off," he told us. "It's insulting to hear her say that she's ready to see Sean's family now. That is freakin' crazy." No, Chris, you're freakin' crazy.

Adding to it, he told the camera if he didn't get a hometown date, "I'll be scared for anyone around me." And with that, the producers (not wanting a lawsuit) made the decision to keep him around another week. It's a no-brainer. There's no way Emily would keep him around any other way.

The last one-on-one went to One-F Jef. When he stood up to greet Emily I noticed he was taller than her by the exact size of his bouffant. I know he seems like a decent chap, but I just can't see them together. And I can't see him as a grown-up. I think even Miss Emily thinks so. She said he has so much fun with anything. Children are like that. And then she said, "I think he'd be a great dad because he's just a big kid himself." She nailed it, except for the "big" part. More like a normal-sized child.

On their date they stopped off in a marionette shop. In all my life, I've never seen a marionette purchased. Those kind of stores are more like museums. People drop in, look around, and leave. But they actually purchased two. Then One-F Jef went back to buy a third one – for Ricki. Suck up!

Next they dropped into a gorgeous old library. It also could be a museum. It was a big open area with thousands of books on shelves 20 feet high all around the walls. So naturally what better place to... read up on the history of the Czech Republic?... admire the artwork and gilded trims in this ancient building?... Don't be silly! They put on a puppet show for each other reenacting their time together! Jef thought it was easier to express big feelings through the stringed dolls and he hyperbolically expressed his love. You know, like a child would: "I am one million percent in love with you. And I can't even imagine what I would do without you in my life. Can we... get a dog together?" Oh what delightful fun!

They kiss. Full-on arm kissing, too. "I really like you," he told her because he wasn't speaking through the puppet this time.

When they started to talk, something seemed fishy. Any ideas? The only thing I can think is that he's deeply Mormon. And I just say that because he lives in Utah. His parents, though, live in South Carolina. But if he goes on the hometown date, Miss Emily won't get to meet them. They're committed to "some stuff" for a few years. Come again? What is it? Miss Emily doesn't like secrets. Is it federal prison? Missionary work? Fess up.

He also revealed that he once broke up with a woman because his parents didn't like her. So what if they don't like Miss Emily? He motioned with his thumb that she'd be outta there, too, before laughing it off, saying they'll love her, don't worry about a thing! Yeah, that's a relief. No pressure, Em!

They then lie down on the library floor looking up at the artwork on the ceiling. Because that's what you do in a library. It's an old Czech tradition. One-F Jef asks Miss Emily if she'd want to live together before marriage. She equivocates and turns the question back on him. He does the same, saying he takes marriage really seriously. But we can read between the lines: ain't no shacking up in this young man's life. He asked when she'd like to have more kids and she shot back, "Yesterday!" "Me, too!" said Jef. Aren't they just perfect together? I mean, once he passes puberty.

Emily envisions them together, but in her mind she's being a ball-buster because he's a pushover as a dad. She constantly sends out these little signals that maybe she's not such an easy person to live with.

On the night of the rose ceremony, Emily tells Chris Harrison she don't need no stinkin' cocktail party. Her mind is made up. The Wolfman is confident, though. Damn near cocky. He wasn't nervous in the slightest because his date was "phenomenal". In fact, when Harrison informs the fellas there'd be no cocktail party because she had decided what she wanted, Wolfman John jinxed himself with this: "I just closed the deal. The rose is mine." He said he felt he "knocked it out of the park" on his date.

Creepy Chris isn't so sure. He's terrified, he says, because he didn't really "bring it" on the group date. He took his time with her for granted and totally owned up to it. He cut a pretty morose figure as he was whining about his situation: "It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I don't feel right. I'm not ready for this to be over." He added, "I'm the best man for her, I know that." Yeah, maybe at her wedding.

But this bit of dramatic nonsense was just what the producers were looking for. As per their contract, they have the right to choose one of the rose selections. (I have no idea if that's actually true, but I'd bet on it.) She got her Sean, Jef and Arie, who are all decent guys, which in TV-land means boring, so they insist she take the one emotional infant who's ready to explode over the other decently dull guy in Wolfman John.

Chris: "Wah!"

Oops, did I just give it away? After she handed out roses to One-F Jef and Speed Racer, Creepy Chris, who was bouncing throughout the ceremony, asked her if he could talk with her. So off they went. And in the history of this show, every single person who's pulled that stunt has received a rose with nary an exception. He told her:

• he was really dying inside today
• he acted like a boy yesterday
• he should have been more respectful
• he took this week for granted
• it's not who he is
• he's ready to be the man she deserves and Little Ricki deserves
• he's falling in love
• he believes in him and her
• he does not want this to end.

He said what he had been practicing since the group date and it worked. I thought the Wolfman should have then asked to speak to Miss Emily, too. Don't let the Creep get in the last word. Go out fighting. Then history would be broken when one of them would have to be sent home. As it was, she gave the rose to Chris, while chewing on her lip.

Ladies don't get the Wolfman

John took it like a (Wolf)man. He gave the bro handshake to Jef and said his goodbyes. Chris said he was the happiest man in the world. Miss Emily told Wolf the relationship was moving too slow. He said he couldn't fault her.

So it's the hometown visits next week. I wonder what kind of family Creepy Chris comes from. That'll be interesting. In the upcoming highlights we see an emotional Emily saying time has gotten away from her and she doesn't want to hurt anyone. It's made to look like she won't choose anyone, but those crafty editors are tricky. We'll see.

Death of a salesman

This week the gang was in Croatia, which, I learned, is a suitable stand-in for Scotland. Practically identical, it turns out. The episode was also Little Ricki-free, as she was sent home from London with a babysitter. No word if she was loaded in the baggage section of the plane.

Exotic Subury

I was impressed with Dubrovnik. It's beautiful. Then again, I'm impressed with every place they go. They make every city look so exotic. Can't wait for Bachelor Canada to see if they can make Sudbury or Lethbridge look like a gorgeous travel destination.

One-F Jef thought Croatia was the perfect place to fall in love. Miss Emily politely and ambiguously described it as like stepping back in time. Sleazy Ryan felt it was a wonderful locale to pluck his finger hairs.

Miss Emily continued her encyclopedic travelogue, telling everyone little nuggets of information about the place. On her first one-on-one, with Travis the Eggman, they walked through the old city and Miss Emily told him that "about a thousand people live inside these walls." Travis was blown away: "Really!?" Yeah, he really wanted that date so was amping up the enthusiasm. He wanted it too much, though, and there's nothing women hate more than guys who reek of desperation. He was ready to "bust outta the friend zone" but it wasn't going to happen. Emily said he's so much fun and she can be herself around him, but she was looking for romance. The girl's gotta have it, afterall.

But at dinner, he was stiff. And in all the wrong places. But what do you expect? The guy hasn't had a date in the two years since his engagement broke off. He confided in Miss Emily that neither he nor his ex-fiancée did anything wrong; it just didn't work out. Miss Emily socked that piece of info away and used it against him when it was time to not hand out the rose.

She picked up the flower, teased him a bit with some positivity, then let him know she doesn't think they have the romance she's looking for. He didn't do anything wrong, she said. Doh! Hoist with his own petard!

She cheerily sent him on his way: "Bye, honey!" she called out to him as he trundled off in the rain, umbrella slung heroically over his gaunt shoulder. He kept walking. And walking. Apparently no cab or limo for this poor schmuck. He was so bummed he littered his fully-functioning brolly onto the sidewalk.

Normally at this time, we see the exit interview from the back seat of a moving vehicle. Not so tonight. The Egg Man was sitting dry in a private library somewhere.

On the group date, Miss Emily felt that now that her pre-school-aged daughter had left, it was a good time to go to a Pixar movie. Good call. Kids hate animated films. She took the fellas out to see a movie that I'm assuming is so bad it felt the need to pay the show for some fake grassroots publicity, so I'm not going to mention the name. I hate that kind of product placement.

The movie hadn't yet opened in North America but as everyone knows Croatia always gets new releases before the rest of the world.

After the flick, the boys competed in a Highland Games competition. Because, you know, they're in Croatia, aka Little Scotland. Daddy Dougie at least got the absurdity of the situation. They all had to don kilts and march to bagpipes to a waiting drove of asses, upon which they placed their own asses and rode to an open field to shoot arrows, toss cabers, and perform something called Maide Leisg. No, I didn't just have a stroke; that's how you spell it.

Braveheart Chris

Selective Sean performed the best, winning two of the three events. And Miss Emily said he looked "frickin' hot" too. Still, that wasn't enough for him to win the silver cup award for bravery. Rather, that went to the hapless and hopeless Creepy Chris, who was last in every event. Miss Emily has been a soccer mom for too long. She said bravery to her means doing your own thing and having fun.

At the after party, Arie took her aside to continue sucking up to her and needlessly apologizing for his non-actions in London when he didn't rat out Kondescending Kalon. Did anyone else find it odd that they were out walking the streets during the after party? I guess that's one way to ensure nobody will come and "steal her away" while he was talking to her.

She also sat and shamelessly flirted with One-F Jef, asking him what took him so long to kiss her. I think Jef is a fine kid, I really do. But he's a kid. He looks like he could be her nephew.

Chris gets the rose?

Not only did Creepy Chris win the bravery cup, he also got the rose. As Vizzini from Princess Bride would say, "Inconceivable!" She told him he was one of the kindest, sweetest and "most handsome" men she'd ever met. Wow. I am speechless.


The final one-on-one date was with Sleazy Ryan, who apparently takes three hours to get ready. He shaves those crazy angles into his beard, shaves his legs (!) and plucks his finger hairs (?). But he's "somewhat of a perfectionist" and everyone knows body hair equals imperfection.

They go on a road trip. He drives. He claims he's a very safe driver because he never gets in accidents, but proceeds to break many laws and has locals sitting on their horns over his creative automobile operating. But the dude is so dang confident he has Miss Emily intrigued.

Their first stop is an oyster boat where they pull fresh oysters out of the ocean. Why? I have no idea. Miss Emily obviously had no say in this date because she was reluctant to even try one and when she finally did, couldn't stand it so she spit it out into the water. That's right, fellas, she spit, not swallowed.

Sleazy Ryan mentioned a few more times the phrase "trophy wife". Again, though, he's so charming and believes his own load of crap so much that it gives Miss Emily pause. He said, "I want a great woman so I've done my best to be a great man." Such blathering causes her to go back and forth with her opinions of him.

At night, he wore his lucky turquoise shoes to impress her. He's going to have to rethink the concept of luck now that she sent him home. Over dinner they engaged in some antagonistic flirting. He pulled out a piece of paper on which he scribbled twelve qualities he wants in a wife. I couldn't catch them all, but got some. He wants a woman to be logical and not overly emotional (good luck with that, Spock), an encourager, someone who's faithful, a nurturer, confident and magnetic, loves to laugh, and a servant. They should have done that old movie trick where the background music screeches to a stop at the mention of servant.

But ultimately, the top of her own list would be a loving family, not a perfect one. She said she felt too much pressure to be perfect around him. In picking up the rose, she told him he's so funny, great-looking and "one of the best-looking guys I've ever seen." But then dropped the bombshell that she couldn't give it to him. He was crestfallen, his confidence shaken. He tried to rationally discuss why she made a mistake and she sat there looking like she might cave in to the pressure. "That is very shocking," he said. "I would not have seen that coming." Back at the house, Creepy Chris described Sleazy Ryan as a great salesman and I think he nailed it. Ryan told Emily he was "shocked" and "baffled". She said she didn't know if she was making the right decision and he responded with, "If you don't know, why wouldn't you give us more time? Time tells." But good on Emily. She said she didn't know if she'd be the one to make him happy and reiterated that she wasn't giving him the rose, even though she wasn't 100% confident in her decision.

So Sleazy Ryan walked away in his lucky turquoise shoes. When the driver came to the house to pick up his bags, the other men all high-fived each other ecstatically as we heard Ryan say, "I can't imagine how shocked the guys are but we built great friendships and I'll see those guys soon."

In the exit interview, Ryan got a nice pre-emptive shot in at the editors, asking them to do a "good job of portraying me exactly who I am and not, you know, an arrogant ass." Or wait, maybe it was the editors who got a good post-emptive shot in at Ryan.

Puppy Arie learning to protect

Speed Racer Arie then found Miss Emily's quarters and surprised her with a visit. He wanted to hold her and hug her and let her know it was the right decision to let Ryan go. Emily smiled. She's trained the puppy well. He's now got her back, even if it was after the fact. But they sat in her bed and talked, and Miss Emily gave him the rose she didn't give to Sleazy Ryan. But it was on the QT so he still had to "earn" one at the final rose ceremony. They sloppy-kiss in bed before he leaves for home.

At the cocktail party, Miss Emily informs us that Daddy Dougie and Wolfman John are both on the bubble, so she takes them each aside to try to force a connection. The Wolfman opts for pathos and pulls out his grandparents' funeral cards, which he has kept in his wallet since 1999. She is the first person to learn of this. He cries and they kiss. Mission accomplished.

Then Daddy Dougie proves to be the shyest person ever to have gone this far. What on earth propelled him onto this show in the first place if he's that shy with females? Miss Emily told Doug to "scootch on in" next to her, then physically grabbed his arm and placed it around her back. The camera kept zooming in on his lifeless hand resting against her backside, with the lone thumb reflexively twitching a pathetic caress. He was sweating bullets. Made me wonder if his own beloved son was adopted. Miss Emily told him, "I'm still a girl and I want to be pursued a little bit." Funny way of showing that, by forcing an arm around herself.

Doug then bawled about missing his son, then went back and told Wolfman that he "put it all out there." You sure did, champ!

With Creepy Chris always inexplicably rosed, four of the five others would be given a rose... Or would they???

First up was Selective Sean. Then came One-F Jef. Third was a real surprise, as Speed Racer Arie was offered a rose. He must have been worried.

It was at this point that Miss Emily left the proceedings, leaving the Wolfman and Daddy Dougie to wonder what the hell was happening. In a classic scene, we see Miss Emily walk out the back door to find the newly divorced Chris Harrison hitting on some chick in the lane. The chick scurries as Emily approaches. It's funny to think he doesn't watch the proceedings but he's been at this most repetitive of gigs a looooong time.

Harrison says, "I told you from the beginning there are no rules here. You do what you want to do. Now leave me alone. I'm trying to conquer some Slavs." (At least half of that quote is verbatum.)

Of course, the big tease was that she was going to send both fellas home, but the opposite was true. Harrison re-entered with two roses. Both Daddy Dougie and Wolfman John will stick around for one more week. Apparently Doug's child can wait another week or more.

Next week they go to Prague and we learn something about Arie's former relationship with a producer.

Miss Emily infects everyone

"What is a hoe?"

I'm a little late this week. Sorry about that. Hope it didn't ruin your day not being able to read my rosy prose first thing in the morning. So let's not waste any time and go with The Bachelorette for 500, please, Alex.

Miss Emily had a bad cold, apparently, but it wasn't mentioned until halfway through the show. For the longest time, I thought they had dubbed Jillian Harris's voice in. In fact, I tweeted as much during the show and the lovely Jillian (aka the greatest Bachelorette in the history of The Bachelorette) tweeted back the following:

The raspy Ms. Harris

hahha y is my voice so raspy!? Big energy small vocal chords I guess

 Yes, that's right, Jillian obviously has a thing for me. She won't leave me alone!

Anyway, back to Miss Emily, who is beautiful in her own right. Although I gotta say maybe a little less beautiful than before. Not because of her cold but because of her attitude. But we'll get to that. I always like to tackle the show in order.

This episode took place in London. England, that is. (This fall will mark the debut of Bachelor Canada and I heard that all the "exotic locales" will take place in the country. Sure, we're the second largest country in the world, but I daresay London, Ontario, ain't quite the world class city that its British counterpart is.)

Little Ricki made her requisite appearance off the top, strolling the streets with her mom, but she was never far from the action on this night.

Safe smooching

The first one-on-one date went to Selective Sean. I got a couple of comments about him last week about him implying he's looking to be the boss of a family. Is that the gist of it? I missed that. Anyway, I don't doubt it. But Miss Emily thinks he's just about perfect. He's the "whole package" and "marriage material." And he's into her so much that he willingly accepted her contaminated saliva into his own mouth, ensuring we're going to hear raspy-voiced Sean in a week or so. But he's not alone. Miss Emily infected many of the others with her virus. All I could think of was Howie Mandel and how I'd love to see a germophobe on that show. See how long he'd last politely declining a kiss for fear of catching something.

In continuing Bachelor/ette custom, where the date must act totally gobsmacked at whatever wonderful adventure lies in wait, Selective Sean could not believe his eyes when an actual double-decker bus pulled up to whisk them away on their sightseeing escapade. "No way!" he beamed, unaware that practically every city in the world has a topless double-decker sightseeing bus option. Good thing there was no helicopter or he might have fainted.

My favourite part of their date was listening to Miss Emily tell Selective Sean all about this city she'd never been to before and had spent as much time in as Sean. "This is Buckingham Palace. This is where Queen Elizabeth lives. This is where Kate and William kissed on the balcony... This is the Tower of London. This is where Henry VIII used to lock up all of his wives..." What a fountain of knowledge that girl is! Her mind is a sponge for information.

Sean reiterated his selective nature, saying his last date was four or five months ago, and it was only one date. No reason given other than he's selective. And maybe the woman was spooked by him saying he wants some followers. And prior to that disastrous date, it was a year before he had another date. Alright, so maybe it really is that he's picky. But he's not hideous. He seems likable. Has a decent sense of humour. What gives? Shy? Maybe. But if so, why would he subject himself to national television? Rather, methinks there might be some good ole red flags here. Or maybe I'm just being cynical.

The blond couple past Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park so Sean hopped up and started madly telling everyone about eternal love. He left out the part about demanding followers who must heed his every word, for fear of spooking away the lovely Miss Emily. She stood there vacantly smiling as he pontificated to the masses.

Needless to say, Selective Sean got a rose.

Next up was the group date of destiny. This one had so much import it got a whopping four segments. Of course, in a continuing effort to eliminate any sense of surprise to the proceedings, we've known for a week that someone would be graciously asked to leave (or "Get the fuck out," as the genteel and ladylike Miss Emily ever-so-delicately put it) and it didn't take us long to figure out who. So in segment one, we heard every one of Kondescending Kalon's eye-rolling comments. They started out small and built from there. First he was doing a riff on Shakespeare's (and the date card's) "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" with "to me it smells like shit." Then he told us he's taking the Romeo & Juliet scene everyone would perform very seriously right before Miss Emily said she wants a guy who doesn't take himself too seriously.

Then it built some more: When he and Ryan were "rehearsing", Miss Emily paid them a visit and Sleazy Ryan went to work on her. Feeling a bit left out and jealous, Kondescending Kalon took out his frustrations on the defenseless single mother, saying, "We need to get back to rehearsals. You can run along."

Continuing on, he sloughed off spending quality time with her by referring to Miss Emily as "an exhausted, sick mother."

Not Little Ricki

Alright, so it was no surprise who the subject of her scorn was. I thought maybe we'd actually witness firsthand his grievous slight but apparently it wasn't caught on film. Creepy Chris just started telling everyone that Kondescending Kalon had referred to Little Ricki as "baggage." When he told Daddy Dougie, the single father immediately confronted the entitled spoiled manchild. Stubbornly, Kalon said he wasn't going to apologize for what he said, but tried to explain what he meant, saying that Little Ricki is a "responsibility." Fair enough. I get what he's saying. I think he's a bit of a dolt for not knowing the connotation "baggage" has, but I don't think it was as bad as everyone was making it out to be.

Daddy Dougie wouldn't listen to any explanation. He just rushed to Miss Emily to tell her. He doesn't tell her Kalon's rationalization or explanation for his usage, either. Miss Emily is livid. Not sure why. I have a kid who I adore and if someone called him baggage, I'd just think they were jerks, maybe, but it wouldn't shake me to my core. Judging from the date, Kalon wouldn't have been picked regardless. Anyway, Miss Emily felt the need to march in and challenge him. And then... they cut to commercial! What was going to happen, I wonder?! We'd have to wait two minutes!

No, check that. We already knew. We knew for a week what would happen. There was no wondering. No sense of drama or mystery. The show still hasn't grasped the concept of spoiler alerts.

Yes, she tosses Kalon out. She wouldn't even listen to his explanation because she knew there was no conceivable explanation that could turn her huge blessing into baggage.

Alright, fair enough. But then Miss Emily took that same anger that should have been directed 75% at Kalon and 25% at the producers for continually casting for drama over real love, and she directed it at the rest of the guys on the date. You see, they had known about this for a full day yet nobody said a word to her. She wants someone to have her back (unlike, say, Ben, who wanted his ladies to focus on themselves and not others). So now we can look forward to weeks of guys parading to her to rat out the others over perceived slights and miscommunications. Yay us!

Miss Emily was so ticked, she didn't hand out a rose. Instead, she went off and pouted. Over-react much?

This? Really?

The final one-on-one date went to young One-F Jef. At least he left his walking shorts and knee socks at home (although he brought his jacket elbow pads). They had tea and biscuits under the watchful eye of an etiquette teacher until they had enough of being under a microscope and escaped to a pub where Jef miraculously wasn't ID'd. While there, One-F Jef proved to be a quick thinker, and surprisingly deep given his youthful appearance. He said, "If Ricki's baggage," – and the pause here was uncomfortable. Would he be able to save himself having already accepted the possibility that she is, indeed, baggage? – "then she's a Chloe handbag I want to have forever." Nice save, dude! Miss Emily loved it. Now she just wanted him to "show me rather than tell me he's into me."

They went for dessert in some contraption called the London Eye, which is a huge, futuristic kind of Ferris Wheel. Perhaps not getting the joke, Jef said, "I want to take our relationship to the next level." Or maybe he did and was being completely literal.

It was here that my wife pointed out to me Miss Emily's vocal go-to move. I'm really bad at picking these things up, but sure enough she said it a few more times after: "I know, right?" Maybe next week we can put the counter on all the "I know, right?"s she utters.

Early in the show, Chris Harrison told the ten remaining guys that one of them will become Emily's husband. Someone should let Emily know. When Jef asked her where she saw herself in a year, her first response was that she'd hope to have a boyfriend. Hmm, and who exactly isn't taking this seriously?

But young Jef proved to be impressive and level-headed. Who knew! Keep this up and he might just get to be valedictorian at his high school graduation.

He does like to talk, though. In fact, he almost talked himself out of a kiss, while talking about wanting to kiss her. But he eventually went in for the kill. Miss Emily backed away but obliged, all the while arching her back away from him. It looked like a real kiss, though, until it ended and she gave him a "nice try" pat on the shoulder.

Yes, One-F Jef got a rose.

With Kalon gone, and two roses already handed out, six more would advance, leaving one lonesome loser to make the limo drive of shame. Who would it be? Wolfman John was wearing bright red pants to match his navy blue blazer. Would that do it? Ryan was flamboyantly sporting a scarf. So there's another possibility. But it was neither. The roses went in order to:

1. Daddy Dougie, for being King Rat
2. Sleazy Ryan, for relentlessly working his sleaze until she caved
3. Creepy Chris, for spreading the right rumour
4. Wolfman John, despite his wardrobe
5. Travis, for being appropriately anonymous (was he the Egg Man?)
6. Speed Racer Arie, for being Arie

That means the mushroom farmer Alejandro/Alessandro was the odd man out. I'm sure it was just that he was the last visible minority left and had to go. He took it like the Latin lover he is. Onward and upward.

The upcoming highlights again leave little to our imaginations. We're led to believe that next week the sharks are out for Creepy Chris. He looks evil and untrustworthy. But then they go and show highlights from later this season and there's Chris. So we know he's sticking around next week. As are Ryan, Arie, Jef and Sean. I guess that means game over for Travis and the Wolfman.