Juan Pablo 6: No comprende

Where were we? Ah yes, week six. We're chugging along at a good clip, aren't we? I'm enjoying this season for a couple of reasons: 1. Our protagonist seems like a good dude with a decent sense of humour who doesn't keep around crazies, and 2. The absence of crazies. I guess things can still heat up but I'm liking how little drama there is this year compared to others. Everyone is relatively sane and likeable. Sure, I have my favourites, but there's no one I can't stand. That's a first.

I found a picture of one anyway

Oh, before we get started, Amy in the comments section last week asked if I could add a button on the site so people could easily post to Facebook. After extensive Binging, I couldn't figure out how to do it. And then I stumbled across the 'More' drop-down menu at the top of the page. Click on it and you can share by email, share with Facebook, and share with Twitter (and report abuse). So get on it, people! Start sharing.

Okay, let's head down to New Zealand. Juan Pablo can meet us there in his float plane. Not sure where he was flying in from. I didn't think float planes flew great distances but what do I know?

Cassandra got lots of face time this week, mainly because it was her 22nd birthday. And also because The Bachelor producers love foreshadowing. Cass never thought she'd travel to New Zealand. Probably, I'm guessing, because she'd never once thought of New Zealand in her life. There's an outside chance she'd never even heard of it before.

Clare was eager to put last week's sex in the Vietnamese sea episode behind her by clearing the air with Juan Pablo. She said the whole thing "blew up in my face." Probably not the most the sensitive metaphors considering she was talking about Vietnam.

Andi got the first one-on-one date, which disappointed Clare. But Clare was reading the date card. And not once in the history of this storied franchise has the person reading the card been the one to get the one-on-one. Tip for future contestants: If you want a one-on-one, never read the date card!

Cassandra told us numerous times how she hadn't dated in so long. Reminder: Cass is 21 years old with a two-year-old son. She's done more dating than many women her age. She got the sniffles when she didn't get the one-on-one, which she was expecting because it was her birthday and everything. So she turned to... any guesses?... that's right, Renee, the Den Mother. She's always there with a shoulder to cry on. Renee calmed her down. She's awesome, that Renee is. Too bad about the tramp stamp, though.

I'm beginning to think (after 18 seasons – I'm quick on the uptake) the people on this show might get help with expressing their thoughts. I know Andi's a lawyer and supposedly smart, but when she said they were in the land of volcanoes and they can all "feel the pressure" and that "emotions are bubbling," my spidey-senses were tingling. That's got marketing/ad copy hackdom written all over it. There's too much of that. I'm sure they get talking points they can draw from. Thankfully it appears the "there for the wrong reasons" talking point has been removed this season.

Andi and JP started their date off in a speedboat zipping along the water. They stopped at some rocks and the driver apparently told them to get out. I'm not sure because he was speaking in New Zealandese and I couldn't understand a word he was saying. So they peeled off their clothes and hopped into the drink. Andi had been sitting a while so she had a wedgie in her bathing suit. Or her bathing suit was wedgied. I'm not sure how to phrase that. I wish I had The Bachelor writers to help me.

They walked through huge rocks in cold water. All I could think of what kind of weird fishy things were under water and what kind of horrific insects were nearby. The show can protect you from crazy high-wire stunts but it can't protect you from nature. Even the macho Crocodile Hunter died from a stingray. (I also thought about the camera operator who was ahead of them taking the potential hits so it was probably safer than I imagine.)

LITERALLY count: "We're literally, like, in, like, a tunnel between caves." Andi. VERDICT: On first blush, you might think this is correct. My wife did, bless her heart. But a tunnel is an artificial underground passage. This wasn't even enclosed! I grant that it was tunnel-like (as opposed to "like, a tunnel") but my final verdict is INCORRECT.

This was, sadly – and literally – the only LITERALLY count of the evening.

Picture them under a waterfall

They eventually found their way to a waterfall where they Blue Lagooned it, making out in the cascading water, his trunks slipping down to reveal butt crack while Andi does the patented Jill Leg Wrap®.

One anonymous commenter last week suggested that perhaps I was jumping to conclusions about what happened in the water with Clare last week. I don't know how it could be interpreted any other way. What we saw – and what his impressionable daughter could see – last week was tame in comparison to the sexy shenanigans with Andi (and everyone else), yet his reaction was completely over the top with Clare. Makes no sense if they weren't enjoying an electric eel ride.

JP likes Andi. He thinks she is "so cool." Then again, he likes most of the girls. They had dinner in front of a geyser, which "completely ruined our dinner," said Andi. But she didn't care. She got the rose and more smooches. And with the geyser erupting in the background, Andi said, "Our chemistry is bursting through as well." Or at least that's what she was fed by the producers.

Next up was the group date, which Cassandra found herself on despite it being her birthday and she deserved a one-on-one. Actually, she was fine about it. Like I said, everyone's pretty chill this season and I appreciate it. She, along with Kat, Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee and Nikki went to the top of a hill, slipped inside a giant ball, and rolled down the hill. Why isn't this a thing everywhere? I would so do that, and I'm no thrill-seeker.

Cassandra had the line of the night when she commented on the scenery: "It reminds me of Ohio but we don't have hills." Um, okay. Cassandra reminds me of Einstein but she's way better looking and a lot dumber.

With all the ladies in their bathing suits, this is where I learned about Renee's unfortunate tramp stamp. But as an elder, she must be given some slack. Those hideous inky bums were all the rage in her youth. And she's so swell in every other way, I'll overlook it.

At night they went to Hobbiton, which is where they filmed Lord of the Rings. Fun fact: I only could sit through half of the first one and not a minute of any of the following ones. And yet I gleefully have watched 18 seasons of The Bachelor! What does that say about me? I don't want to find out.

When Renee got JP alone, the kisses continued. She is so sweet, that one. I think I want her to win. Shar's my favourite, as you all know, but she's too good for JP – and quite possibly for anyone. But Renee would be great with him – and quite possibly anyone.

I should have nicknamed her Ringo because of all her rings and half-rings, but I only noticed them last week. It's too late now. She'll remain the Den Mother.

Nikki told JP she's "totally falling for you." Her natural reaction is to pull back. But she didn't pull back when the kisses started.

And you'll never believe this, but Sharleen was questioning both her and JP's feelings. I know, right? Usually she's so self-assured and confident. But man, Juan Pablo has a thing for her. It might all be physical, though, because she just sat down and said hello when he jumped right into her mouth. She uttered a phrase that sounded like "two shakes of a lamb's tail" or something about a lamb's tail to describe how quickly he kiss-attacked her. He didn't know what it meant. It was the first of three new words or phrases he learned this week, along with "frazzled" and "bolt."

She had to keep stopping so she could get to her insecurities. She asked him, "How do you think I'm feeling?" JP's answer was great. He didn't give it a moment's thought, just quickly replied, "You're feeling great. A little scared." Man, he's good. She bought it.

In this episode when JP was learning more English, Shar-Shar told him that "the process is a little inorganic." Juan Pablo responded, "I understand you." Yeah, frazzled and bolt are too much for him but inorganic process is no problem.

JP told Sharleen to Zen it out. That is, live in the moment and don't question things. Telling Shar not to question things is like telling the sun not to shine. If she ever stops, it's the end of life as we know it.

Cassandra got some alone time with Juan Pablo but there were no kisses. And I doubt it's because he was thinking of little Camila. She told him she respects him as a dad, which might have been poor wording on her part. Either he's a father-figure to her or she's a dad. Either way, probably not what he wanted to hear.

JP was sure he was "going to have a happy ending." But he'll have to save that for the Fantasy Suite. He had a rose to give out and it was going to be tough. Renee thought it should go to Cass because she needed it. And it was her birthday. And because Renee is a freakin' saint! I thought it could have gone to any number of them, but physical attraction won out and Sharleen got it. Don't get me wrong, I think he also loves her intellect, her uniqueness, and her talent, but the heart wants what it wants. Or maybe I'm projecting.

Immediately after handing the rose to Sharleen, he asks to speak to Cassandra outside. Maybe finally she'd get her birthday present! And she did. She got a one-way ticket back to the United States to see her son! That Juan Pablo, what a guy! He spun it nicely, that she was gorgeous, funny and so nice but he wished they were in the same chapter in life. In other words, she's a baby and he's a grown man.

She took it really well. He cut off any disappointment at the pass by saying this wasn't about disappointment. "It's about growing. And you've grown a lot." Happy Birthday! Now get lost. In the limo out of there, she reiterated that she's been waiting "so long" for love. Did I mention I have underwear as old as she is?

Next up was the much-anticipated date with Clare. They had a chin-wag right off the bat. He told her he was still trying to figure out his boundaries. The ocean is a natural boundary, isn't it? So technically she didn't cross it. When she asked what his boundaries were, he said he never kisses a woman or holds hands in front of Camila. I see... I think. So it's safe to assume these are shifting boundaries. But to his credit, he's limited his kissing to about six women. And sex to just one. So far.

But here's where it gets ambiguous. She asks, "Did we do something inappropriate?" If it was no more than kissing or maybe second base under the waves, what's all the hullaballoo? Then again, if all they did was kiss passionately in the 4 a.m. pounding surf, then the answer to her question has to be a resounding no. But then it's no worse than his actions with the others. Oy this is a conundrum!

And then – and then! – after all that hot air, they sit on the shore and kiss like there's no tomorrow. Totally appropriate!

She's relieved and wants to stay. Even more so when he gives her the rose. They slow dance in sweat pants and kiss alone in his room. Again, totally appropriate! Nothing to see here, Camila. Move along.

At the cocktail party, he gets it on with Nikki. When JP tells her he's wearing pink underwear, this was the exchange:

Nikki: I like a man in pink.
JP: I like pink a lot.
Nikki: I like you a lot.

Boom! Nikki executed her game plan to perfection. JP likes her, too. "Watch out!" he exclaimed. Sure, it's vague enough to mean nothing, but it could also mean something.

But then he seems to have a great connection with the only single mom remaining, the Den Mother herself, Renee. "I could be the one loving life with her," he said. He also said, with a straight face, that there's nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid. He's obviously not on Facebook.

The women know what's what. Chelsie and Kat knew it was a battle between them for last place. A Kat fight, you might say. Chelsie is the one who felt frazzled. Kat has been journalling. She told JP about her drunk dad passed out beside her 5-year-old self. It was probably her father, she reckons, who instilled her fear of disappointment. That settled it right there for Juan Pablo. JP's all about people overcoming their fears. Maybe she won't be afraid of disappointment now. He's a hero.

Still, both Kat and Chelsie felt more confident after talking with the man of their dreams.

At the rose ceremony, Andi, Sharleen and Clare were safe. With Cassandra already on a flight home, one more would be joining her. The roses were handed out in order to:

1. Nikki
2. Renee
3. Chelsie

Leaving Kat out in the cold. Cue Sharleen's tears. Big smile from Kat, though, and a cheery, "Good luck!" But Shar was inconsolable. Again. In the limo, Kat's emotions got ahold of her. "I think the problem is my whole life I've been told how great I am and what a catch I am and yet here I sit."

So what was up with Sharleen? She claimed to be happy to be there and happy to be moving on, but she feels "guilty going on. I can see other girls here suiting him better." All episode we saw teases of her saying, "I think it's best that I leave." Let this be a lesson in context. Here's the full quote they showed at the end: "I'm going to give it another week and see if there's something I'm missing. And if I absolutely cannot see myself with Juan Pablo, I think it's best that I leave." A little different, no?

Don't get me wrong, she still might pull herself from the proceedings, but who knows for sure? If she's a ball of tears when someone else gets sent home, she might very well want to be proactive about her own farewell. Or maybe she just realizes she can't be with a guy who picks up sheep poop with his bare hands and starts a poop fight. She's got class! I'm hoping he just misunderstood what "two shakes of a lamb's tail" meant.

Next week, Miami! Boring. Why not Venezuela? Hope that's coming another time.

Juan Pablo 5: Doing the deed in the deep, indeed!

That's how you do it, Sean Lowe! I hope the newlywed was watching as Juan Pablo deflowered the first of many señoritas well ahead of the Fantasy Suite formal offering. I can't believe JP actually took advice from the virginal Sean before heading into his adventure this season. That's like Rafael Nadal getting tennis tips from me before heading out to a Grand Slam event. JP knows what he's doing. It's just funny he continues to pay lip service to his daughter throughout it all.

Yes, JP and Clare did indeed do the deed in the deep. But we'll get to that. Let's take it in order, shall we?

This week Juan Pablo took his eleven ladies to the magical destination of Vietnam. The beauty of chickens in cages throughout the streets and people sailing in giant wicker bowls on murky waterways. Not only that but birds! Did you catch that? Nurse Nikki pointed in awe and exclaimed, "Birds!" Sure enough, a dozen seagull-like avians alit from the waters. You had to be there, I guess, but it was pretty spectacular.

Den Mother Renee got the first one-on-one date card, asking, "Are we the right fit?" It sounded more foreboding than it actually was. She was really excited, not only about the one-on-one but at the prospect of getting her first kiss from JP. She was so excited, in fact, her hands hurt... Wait, let me run that back again... Yup, that's what she said: her hands hurt.

D.A. Andi, meanwhile, was "super-worried." She was this week's Nikki, who reverted back to her nice, normal persona.

LITERALLY count: "We have travelled literally to the other side of the world." – Renee. VERDICT: Wrong. A globe doesn't have sides. But Viet Nam is still not on the opposite side of the globe from California. A quick glance at my globe tells me it's Madagascar, or thereabouts, although a case could be made for Iran, if you want to stay in the Northern Hemisphere. But that's eyeballing it. It's not literal.

Renee is a natural beauty, if you ask me, and seems like a solid person. You know Sharleen is my favourite, but I'd put Renee right up there with her. And Renee, unlike Shar-Sar, actually wants to be there.

We were led to believe that JP was on the fence with Renee, but if that were the case, he'd be nuts. And he's not nuts. He's a horndog, but he's not nuts. But he hadn't kissed her yet so what gives? And with the date card questioning if they were a fit, one had to wonder. Even on their date, he hailed a pedicab, then proceeded to steal it, hopping on the seat and pedalling away while Renee sat alone up front. He risked arrest rather than having to sit uncomfortably beside the single mom.

But you see the date card was also a pun! Ah, good times. Renee was to be measured for her own Vietnamese dress. The seamstress spent an awfully long time measuring her bust. Or at least the camera man (it had to be a dude) getting every possible angle. Even JP stuck his head right in close to read the tape that said 36. Nothing untoward here. He was probably just checking for his daughter.

Renee wasn't all that comfortable because she was sweating profusely. Or maybe it was just hot. Either way, it's super attractive, am I right, fellas?! So much so that JP just took off. He returned with a fan to cool her down. Oh, that Juan Pablo. He has a way with women.

"He makes me feel beautiful," said Renee, who does a pretty good job of being beautiful all by herself. She is smitten. And when JP suggests getting gifts for her Ben and his Camila, Renee is "speechless." And she really wants to kiss him. Still.

She wears her new frock that night and she looks gorgeous in it, as she would have looked no matter what she wore. And her eyes "hypnotize" Juan Pablo. He also thinks, "Honestly, there could be something here." So he offers her the rose and... no kiss. Just a quick peck on the cheek and a hug. Hey, she has a son! How could this father of a daughter possibly kiss a woman with a son? Grow up, people!

Renee, naturally, took it all in stride. No weird drama from her. She said, "If Juan Pablo doesn't kiss me tonight, that's okay." She amended that to, "It's whatever. It is what it is." This woman is too normal and well-adjusted for this show. What's she hiding?!

Next up was another one-on-one date, only this time with eight other women tagging along. The eight paired up while Clare and JP formed a union in one of those wicker teacup boats. They wound up in weeds and JP took the time to forget about his daughter and start making out with the 32-year-old hairdresser. To her credit, she appeared to back away as his mouth lurched to hers. I didn't think she should have been the subject of catty remarks just because she didn't pair up with anyone. It's not like she jumped forward to put her claim on JP.

Andi the Whiner found a moment to whisper to Juan Pablo about her worries. JP reminded her, "Didn't you get a group date rose?" He resisted the urge to add, "Then shut your trap."

On a walk, they come across a farmer who leads them to his house. Totally unplanned! The man had ten extra Asian field worker hats lying around, which coincidentally was the exact number of his guests. (It's also possible he just went around the house scooping up all his lamp shades.) He sent them out to the fields to pretend to farm, then his wife, I'm guessing, whipped up a meal using all the strange and wonderful produce they pretended to pick. Would Clare, who wouldn't try octopus without a scene, try it? That was the big question. Or not so much. The editors obviously forgot they made her out to be a very picky eater last week. No issues at all this week. It's this consistency that marks this as one of the top shows on television.

At their night party, JP takes his date Clare off while the other eight tag-alongs sit and pick their noses. Up to JP's suite they go, because, remember, he's totally not on a group date or anything. He "just wanted to have a good time with her and make her feel special." That's all. Oh, and look, she happens to have her bikini with her! May as well slip it on and go for a dip in his pool.

It's a chilly night and a chilly pool. Clare does the Jillian Leg-Wrap® in the water while Camila sits home and cries. And Renee, too, probably.

To be fair, JP spends some time with the others, too. He takes beautifully quirky Shar-Shar, bare back and all, for a walk on the beach. It won't surprise you to learn that Sharleen is questioning their connection again. She "feels like another face in the crowd again." Juan Pablo eases her stress by ramming his tongue down her throat. If you're wondering, it's okay because by this time little Camila would have fallen asleep.

Shar had a checklist of questions she was going to fire at Juan Pablo but those kisses knocked them right out of her head.

LITERALLY count: "I mean, literally it is gut-wrenching at times to see these girls have one-on-one time with Juan Pablo." – Andi. VERDICT: Sorry, wrong again. Her stomach was not literally being twisted and turned. It may have felt like that, but I'm pretty sure it stayed in place.

Andi got her own one-on-one time, as they always do. She also went to the beach and "next thing you know, we're sucking face again. Sorry Mom, another episode you can't watch." So allow me to extrapolate: Andi has strict restrictions on the television for her mother, while JP can't stop his four-year-old daughter from watching anything she wants at all hours? Got it.

Clare got the rose, which is only fitting because it was her one-on-one date, afterall. She got it for supposedly doing things out of her comfort zone. I guess that was when she backed away in the giant floating teacup when JP went in for the kiss.

Andi was confused and was wondering what she was even doing there.

But that was not the end of the date. Now we're at the part we led off with. It's 4 in the morning. Clare has the sudden urge to knock one item off her bucket list: she wants to swim in the ocean. I'm not sure Clare is clear on the concept of a bucket list, but whatever. It's something she's always wanted to do. So she sneaks up to JP's room. It is 4 a.m. but who knows when the group called it a night because JP is still dressed. She floats her idea past him and because he's a gentleman who obviously wants her to feel comfortable, he agrees. It also helped that he said she's "on fire" and added "aye yi yi."

I'm sure it was also his concern for her safety in the briny that "he was holding on pretty tight and not letting go." Of course, from the camera shots from shore in the dark, we couldn't see anything that, say, a four-year-old girl would raise her eyebrows at. But Clare raised her eyebrows – literally! – when she said they "just went for it. Pure bliss. In every way." Nuff said. The whole thing was hard for her to even process, "just like a newborn giraffe with wobbly legs"... Okay, so analogies aren't her thing, but cut her some slack, she was hardly thinking straight at that point.

The last one-on-one date went to the newly normal Nurse Nikki, back from her one-week purgatory as the in-house Whiner. Earlier Juan Pablo described the woman he's looking for as fun, smart and mature. After so much camera time with two 32-year-olds in Renee and Clare, the 26-year-old Nikki seemed decidedly less mature. Actually, I'm not sure Clare seemed all that mature, but at 32 one thinks of it more as 'youthful'. But no matter, she just seemed really young. Could have been the headband she was wearing, though.

JP describes Nikki as "gorgeous, smart and sexy." That'll do for now.

They go on a date to Hell. Turns out Hell is the cave's name. The idea is they'd go rappelling down into the abyss but get this... Nikki is afraid of heights! No way, right?! What are the odds?! She was frozen in fear but you knew she was going to do it. They always do it. Her que sera, sera attitude was, "I either live or I die or I poop my pants." Of these three, we know that she didn't die. That's all we need to know. She said it was "a lot like falling in love. You're trusting the other person and you also have very little control." She might have been talking about her bowels, but we can't be sure.

At the bottom, Juan Pablo whipped out his tongue and the two got it on. It was the gentlemanly thing to do. Camila would understand.

At dinner in another cave, Juan Pablo, fresh off his ocean adventure with Clare, admitted that he "didn't sleep that much last night." He could barely contain his inner dude. He was dying to tell someone he shagged Clare and Nikki was right there, but he ultimately decided to just hint at it.

Nikki asked if he couldn't sleep because he was so excited about their upcoming date. Juan Pablo didn't miss a beat, saying, "You're funny! No, it was because I was having sex in the sea." (He didn't say the second sentence but you could tell he really wanted to.)

Nikki said she's not a morning person. And we already knew JP isn't. I think she might have ruined her shot with him. He wants someone to wake up with his daughter on weekends, I'm sure. They can't both be sleeping in. Yin and yang.

She admitted she's never dated anyone with a child before, but JP was impressed with her fantastic heart. "She cares a lot about people and that's too attractive to me," he said. He called her a "potential wife" and gave her a rose.

The cocktail party was set amongst colourful lanterns – "the perfect setting for a first kiss," said ever-hopeful Renee. She really was a darling. I can't help but imagine what she's thinking watching all of this at home on her TV, seeing everyone else get full-on lip locks and that special Clare getting the full-on Full Monty while she eagerly and politely awaits first base.

JP assembled his guests and informed that three would be going home at the end of the evening. So... enjoy! Clare proposed a toast: "Cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love!" met with confused looks and nervous titters.

Andi, playing the role of Nikki this week, said she didn't know if she was beyond the physical with Juan Pablo. The suave South American told her not to be nervous and then said en español, "Gimme a little kiss." Question answered.

Meanwhile, this was Renee's moment. When she sat down with the man of her dreams, he told her his reasons for not kissing her: "I don't want Ben to be pissed at me." Renee was nonplussed: "He knows what I'm doing," she said. Bang, it's on! He moves right on in and they go at it fiercely. "It was definitely worth the wait," glowed Renee.

But now JP was having second thoughts about fornicating with Clare. He said he made a mistake and took it too far. When he sat down with Clare, he told her it was a little weird for him. She was perplexed and he answered that he's "too fair" with people. There are 10 other women there, afterall. Clare's point was that she was just doing what she'd be doing even if there weren't 10 other women there, if there weren't cameras following them around. Fair point. But as Juan Pablo pointed out, "We're not in that situation."

He brought up his daughter again, which brought Clare to tears. "It wasn't my intention to disrespect your daughter," she said. "I feel stupid and embarrassed." Now JP was on the defensive, going into papa mode, consoling Clare, telling her it was okay. Clare responded, "It's not okay or you wouldn't have brought it up with me." Little did either of them know the final footage was innocuous. There's no way a 40-year-old, let alone a 4-year-old, could tell what they were doing in the ocean that looked any worse than what we've already seen on land.

When the other girls saw Clare's tears, without knowing what happened, she covered it up like a pro: "Bad allergies, girl," she told them. But she was still upset. "It takes a lot for me to open up," she said. Uh, not that much, apparently. Just a gentle surf pounding on the shore.

She offered to give her rose back but JP refused. After all, there's plenty of ocean in New Zealand, where they're heading to next.

At the rose ceremony, Clare, Nikki and Renee were all safe. JP would hand out five more roses. And they went to:

1. Sharleen the Opera Queen
2. Cassandra the former NBA dancer/groupie
3. Chelsie the science educator
4. Kat
5. D.A. Andi

They left Andi for last only because she was fretting all episode, but there was no doubt be chosen. Meanwhile Danielle, who's only been a rumour all season, wasn't fretting at all. At least she got to leave with her dignity intact. And her anonymity. Along with Danielle, Nanny Alli and Dog Lover Kelly all went home. Danielle said she knew there wasn't a strong connection. Spoken like a true psychiatric nurse. Alli took it a little harder, but not much. And there was no footage of Kelly saying anything.

Juan Pablo cried more than any of the three he sent home. But what was up with my garl Sharl? Tears were streaming down her face. This is when you're supposed to be raising a glass to the next stage of the adventure and all smiles. But she's a different one, that Shar. God love her.

In the upcoming highlights, though, it's hinted that she's going to leave on her own at some point. I hope this is nothing more than a false tease.

Juan Pablo 4: No kisses for you!

Did anyone catch the deflowering of Sean Lowe on Sunday? That was riveting, wasn’t it? I confess I don’t pay too much attention to Bachelor/ette details, so I always assumed it was Catherine who was holding out until marriage. Turns out it was Sean. I had no idea he was that religious. Catherine was rip-raring to go, by the sounds of things. Maybe Sean was, too. He was talking a big game, but when pushed on his upcoming performance debut, he eventually admitted he might have to take a mulligan. Awkward.

But back to regular programming. Juan Pablo was going to take his 13 women off to an exotic locale. But “I cannot be happy right now,” he said. That’s because he’d have to leave his darling daughter behind. But she’s never far from his thoughts. I should do a Camila Count and time how long it is between each mention of her. If you picked the under on two minutes, you’d probably win.

We all know reality TV isn’t actual reality. We know that. But as long as it tries to come across as reality, I can’t help but take it literally and call them out when things are so obviously not real. I’m convinced the girls are encouraged to scream like contestants on The Price is Right when they’re told where they’re going. I mean, they always go somewhere interesting but really, was there a need for giddy excitement for Seoul, South Korea? Was that a dream destination for them?

Clare wasn’t even sure what Korea was. She squealed, “Korea?! I don’t even have a kimono!” That makes as much sense as saying, “Korea?! I don’t even speak Chinese!” Or, “Korea?! I don’t even like fish & chips!” Quick lesson: Koreans wear something similar looking to the Japanese kimono, but it’s called a hanbok. (They also speak Korean and eat kimchi.)

Juan Pablo was excited because he’s a man of the world – except when he’s at home in the United States, where he does nothing but speak Spanish, listen to Venezuelan music and eat Venezuelan food.

The first date was a group effort. And it also marks the beginning of the end for Nikki, if not in JP’s mind, in the minds of all viewers. What a whiny thing. She doesn’t thrive in group settings, she doesn’t share well, she’s a bad dancer, the other five girls are “quite annoying” and on and on and on. I used to like her. Not so much now.

How did JP decide on who to take on the date? He simply chose all the blonde leggy ones that look almost identical. It’s too early in the season for that. I’m still trying to figure out who’s who. Which leads us to:

LITERALLY count: “We literally have zero concept of what could be happening.” – maybe Chelsie. Or maybe Kat. But I think Chelsie. VERDICT: Can you count concepts? “We have two concepts of what could be happening”? Not sure there, either. I’m struggling. As for the ‘literally’, I guess they literally don’t know what the date will entail, but they might have a concept. FAIL!

The women were going to get the opportunity to be backup dancers with the insanely popular 21!... Who? You know, the biggest K-pop group in all of the Koreas! They’re as big as the Spice Girls, we’re told. That is, in the alternate reality where the Spice Girls were only popular in England and not the international sensations they were in real life. 21 is so popular they sell out malls all over South Korea. But when you think about it, their options are limited. They sing in Korean, hardly the lingua franca, which is spoken in two countries, the other one to their north which is their sworn enemy. And South Korea is about the geographical size of Portugal.

Kat, who knows how to shake her booty, is optimistic. “If this is based on dancing skills, I’m feeling confident about the rose.” But it never is. In fact, if you’re good at whatever the challenge is, that’s usually a sure sign that you won’t get the rose. It usually goes to the worst. Hi Nikki!

LITERALLY count: “Like, literally my childhood dream was to be, like, Britney Spears’ backup dancer. So now I get to be 21’s backup dancer.” – Kat. VERDICT: Like, I suppose. I can’t see into her dreams to know for sure, though. 

I really liked how they all pretended that K-pop is something. I mean, yes, it’s something in Korea and maybe to Koreaphiles, but had any of them heard any K-pop before? (For my money, J-pop is far superior but I’m biased because I used to live in Japan.) Still, 21 was just as known as any of the other no-names this series offers us on an almost weekly basis.

Narcissistic Nikki (I love when a new nickname jumps out at me) was sure that the cheering Koreans spread out over five mall storeys were all there to watch her dance horribly. From what I saw, she was fine. And not a single person in the crowd noticed.

Also interesting to see not a musician in site. Just questionably talented cute singer/dancers probably lip synching to a recorded track. And the crowd goes wild! K-pop: The Milli Vanilli of a new generation!

After the gig, JP and his posse head outside, where the adoring masses are waiting for a glimpse of their heroines. No, not the Bachelor beauties. 21, of course. But the Americans think otherwise. They make a run for it, à la the Beatles. Only nobody gave chase.

At the after-party, Kat, who danced to the beat of her own drummer during the show, wanted to let JP know she’s more than just fun and games. Nikki thought otherwise, of course. Determined not to be so cliché as to utter the dreaded “here for the wrong reasons,” she managed this: “Someone is here for more fun rather than something real.” A bit clunky but we applaud the effort.

To prove she’s not all fun and games, though, Kat outs her father as a severe alcoholic who had seven DUI’s, lived with his parents, and paid no child support. All the fun and games she exhibits actually couldn’t fit in with the rest of her baggage.

Narcissistic Nikki was on the outs with everyone. Cassandra called her catty, Danielle pegged her as a negative person, and Elise called her the most negative person there. She was probably just feeling out of sorts after having forgotten to pack her Clairol. Maybe that was her plan so she won’t be stuck on another group date with the blondes again.

Proving she’d make a great mom, when JP asked Nikki how she feels about Camila, she responded, “I’m a great diaper changer.” For those new to the show, Camila is five years old.

Deal sealed. JP offers Nikki the rose. Elise said it best when asked about it: “Yech.”

“I think everybody hates me right now but I’ve been myself,” said Narcissistic Nikki. Yes, that’s the problem. Don’t be yourself. We liked you before when you impersonated a nice, normal person.

Next up we got the requisite fake shower scene. JP was obliviously lathering himself with a camera pointed right at him. Again, he either showers with a bathing suit on, in which case ewww. Or he gets off on showering nude in front of relative strangers.

He was prepping for his one-on-one date with Sharleen, who was so excited to be chosen she said, stone-faced, “I’m happy.”

“I’ve liked Shar since day-one. She’s my favourite one right now,” said JP.

“I’ve liked Shar since day-one. She’s my favourite one right now,” said me, too.

“I don’t know if he’s the one for me,” said Shar, the Human Robot. But I think it’s her rationality and difference that I like so much. And I think that’s why JP likes her, too.

She opened up a little bit. We learned that as a kid, she harmonized to Disney songs, won a bunch of singing competitions, and got her Bachelors and Masters degrees in Voice Performance. JP tried to equate it to soccer, but it was a reach.

She also did her best to compliment her suitor: “You are not bland. And that is a very good thing,” said without a hint of emotion in her voice.

JP then forced her to sing against her will. This is not something she usually does on the first date. She will put out, presumably, but no singing! “Mister, this is our first real date!” she told him. The woman has principles.

So she warms up briefly, gets JP to close his eyes and she wanders away in the tea house, then lets loose with two bars of glass-shattering goodness. “You’re good,” JP, the expert, opines. Audition over. Or maybe his eardrums couldn’t take it any more. They kiss.

“I can definitely say, after having done sufficient research, that Juan Pablo is a good kisser,” Sharleen said. She thinks they have “a shot” to fall in love. Such a romantic!

“My skepticism is fading rapidly,” said Mrs. Spock. JP told her she’s “different.” She said, searchingly, “But not weird different.” He reassured: “Not weird… A little weird.” Ah, the chemistry between man and cyborg is beautiful to behold!

Then proving that this “curious” South American man of the world can’t tell us North Americans apart, he asked her, after she spoke of her hard time at first living in Berlin, if she misses the United States. She didn’t feel the need to inform him that Ottawa, her hometown, was actually the capital of Canada, which is actually a separate country because in his world, there’s Venezuela and everywhere else.

Shar is so great, though, she couldn’t even bring herself to fib when he begged the question by asking her how many kids she wants. They were sitting six inches apart from each other, completely alone, and she answered, “Me?” She turned the question back on him. He wants two more. But he didn’t forget that she dodged the question and asked her again. “I’ve never even thought about it,” she said. She’s so career focused, everything else, including relationships, has taken a backburner.

She even dated a guy once with a 4-year-old daughter. Now was her chance to say how much she loved that kid and things just didn’t work out, blah, blah, blah. But her inner robot insisted, “Cannot tell a lie… cannot tell a lie…”. So she said she wasn’t ready for it.

And with that, the man who is looking for a mother for his daughter picked up the rose and began. “I like that you’re different, you have class… BUT I appreciate your honesty. Will you accept this rose?” Hey, conjunctions are tough for the ESL learner. Cut him some slack. Despite her ambivalence towards the very thing JP holds sacred, he said, “I feel fantastic about Sharleen.” He said they might be soul mates.

By the way, last night was the first time I’ve noticed his faux-hawk. Is it new or has he always sported it? I don’t know why I associate faux-hawks with soccer players, but I do.

The last date was another group one. It started with the gang at a karaoke box. As mentioned above, I’ve lived in Japan. I’ve done karaoke boxes. I’ve sung English songs there. For some reason, they decided to “sing” and dance to K-pop songs no one knew. Yeah, who doesn’t love to sing to songs they don’t know? Put it in a language you don’t know and it’s even more fun.

Next they went to have the dead skin off their feet eaten by fish. Always a fun time. Apparently, Den Mother Renee has the tastiest (i.e. stinkiest) feet because the fish flocked to her digits.

As they were walking through the crowded streets, the territorial Clare told JP not to make them eat octopus. Please, no octopus! And don’t look in that box! Whatever you do, don’t look in that box!

Of course, along came the giant octopus to put terror in Clare’s heart. Everyone took their little nibble from a toothpick, but Clare put a big production into refusing. She eventually did, but ended up spitting it into her hand.

LITERALLY count: “Clare is the most dramatic person I’ve ever seen. Her piece was literally this big” – holding her fingers an inch apart – “and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.” – Kelly, the dog lover, who was wise not to bring her pooch to Korea lest she be forced to sample it. VERDICT: Close but no cigar. Clare’s piece was a bit bigger than that.

At night, Renee the Den Mother got some alone time with JP. She still hasn’t kissed him, even though I would think she’s got to be a front-runner.

She mentioned missing her son. A little bit. “The hardest part is being away from Ben,” she said, before dismissing it with, “But it’s getting easier.” Out of sight, out of mind! A couple more weeks and she’s not even going to remember having a son.

Instead of aggressively going in for the elusive kiss, she played coy: “How would Camila feel if I kissed you?” she asked. Bad move. First of all, how would she even know? Secondly, a kid isn’t going to like anyone kissing that way.

“I would like to kiss Renee, but I’m thinking about Camila,” said JP. I don’t know if she put the thought in his head or he wasn’t going to kiss her anyway. He’s already kissed six of the 13 remaining women, but no more tonight, he said rather unfairly.

Next up was Andi’s turn. The D.A. really gets his sense of humour, and not everybody does. They reclined in each other’s arms naturally talking about life. JP revealed he loves to sleep in. Which is why, I guess, he’s looking for that step-mother to his child.

Lauren the Piano-Pusher also hasn’t had a kiss. Hell, she hasn’t had much of any contact with JP. Even though she’s not the most aggressive, she decides to give it the old college try. They start to slow dance and she asks for a kiss in Spanish. “Sorry, I have a daughter,” he tells her. Ouch. Apparently his daughter has a strick half-dozen cut-off when it comes to smooching with virtual strangers.

Lauren was upset. JP fathered her, as only JP can. But she was sensible after. She didn’t blame him or any of the other gals. “Why’d I do that,” she said once she regained her composure. “I feel like a fucking idiot. I might have blown it tonight.” No, that’s doubtful, too, Lauren. He has a daughter, remember.

Cocky Clare was not just going to try to kiss him; she was going to kiss him, come hell or high water. Remember, it was Clare who put this no-kissing idea into Juan Pablo’s head to begin with when she held out earlier. But now she wanted it. “I said no kissing but I didn’t say for how long,” she rationalized.

The strong-willed JP, thinking of his daughter, caved to his inner caveman. “But she is sexy, she’s hot… I couldn’t help it,” he said. Camila would be so proud of her papa. At least Clare was one of the original dirty half-dozen.

So who would the rose go to? You’d think Clare, right? Wrong. He surprised the pundits giving it to Andi. Granted, they had a really nice chemistry even without the kissing.

At the cocktail party, the three pre-rosed women, Nikki, Sharleen and Andi, agreed not to sabotage it for others whose futures were still up in the air. Very sporting, I thought. In fact, if I were Bachelor (and is there any good reason why I shouldn’t be? I mean, apart from being married and all), I would put that condition on it. I will not see anyone who already has a rose. No exceptions. Consequences: I’ll take away your rose. It’s just the kind of straight shooter I am.

But Narcissistic Nikki quickly breaks ranks and goes in for the kill, interrupting Cocky Clare. When she gets to JP, he tells her he knows that things in the house are heating up. “I think things in the house are fine,” she lies.

Clare won’t take it sitting down: “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness,” she says, and proceeds to get under the blanket with Nikki and gently and kindly suggest that Nikki is “one way with the girls and one way with him.” You go girl! Zzzzz….

With three already rosed, there’d be eight more roses to hand out. Here’s who they went to:

1. Den Mother Renee
2. Chelsie
3. Kelly the dog lover
4. Danielle
5. Cassandra
6. Allison
7. Cocky Clare
8. Kat

Which means we have to say goodbye to Lauren the Piano-Pusher and Ms. Elise. Elise was “bummed.” But her mother didn’t want her to be around such negative ugly people. Yes, ugly. “Not on the outside, but inside.” Lauren was hurt and wished she hadn’t pressed for a kiss like she had. “God, I made so many mistakes.” Both seemed fine at first but the more they talked about, the more teary they became. My wife thought the Den Mother Renee should have been assigned to walk each one out to console them.

Next week: A tour of duty in Nam! Squeals of delight! Viet Nam!