Bachelor in Paradise: The worst is over

Wow. I'm speechless. How shockingly bad was this series? Unbelievable. It is, without a doubt, the absolute worst thing the producers have ever done. Ill-conceived, poorly thought-out, dull, deceitful, and pointless. And those were its good points!

Chris Harrison promised off the top – as he does to everything he's ever been involved with – that there would be a shocking ending we wouldn't see coming. Spoiler alert: It was a proposal. Shocking? Not in the slightest. Did I see it coming? No, but who cares? It wasn't surprising one bit. Marcuszzz falls hopelessly in love with anything that moves. If she loves him back, it's game over.

We started with the six couples entering a room and AshLee sporting some of the weirdest cleavage I've ever seen, rivalled only by Jackie's. Not saying it wasn't pleasant; just different looking. AshLee also wore her crazy accessories, which included a string headband and a combo ring/bracelet thing.

Harrison arrived to instruct them to take a "hard, honest look at your relationship." He told them if they didn't believe the relationship had a future, to break up and leave. Um, okay, Mr. Bossy Pants. That was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard of. And it was made more ridiculous when he added, "Don't fool yourselves, don't fool each other, and don't try and fool me." Are they under his spell or something? Were they worried about an appearance by a lie detector test? Why would they agree to do this?

Most puzzling because no one knew the end game. Was there a prize on the line? Money to be had? A trip, perhaps? They're risking it just because he told them to. Something seemed fishy.

But no, there was no prize. I mean, except a booby prize. A literal one in the case of Marcuszzz, who revealed that's why he loved Lacy so. (In return, she expressed a fondness for his hairy chest.)

I was still perplexed why grown adults would just agree to make a decision on their relationship right then and there. It was a forever future or sayonara.

The sexes divided up and talked amongst themselves. Cody thought it felt like they're "making this decision pretty quick." Almost as quick as it took for him to express his love for Crazy Michelle 2.0.

Aside: Just took a break to take a gander at Twitter. Looks like I'm in the minority. People love this show! People think CM2 and Cody are a wonderful couple! Am I too cynical and grumpy?

I just don't see how anyone could watch the two-facedness of CM2 and come away believing anything she says about anything. She tells us she doesn't trust AshLee and goes to tell Graham that she needs to go home. Graham will see right through her, right?

Meanwhile, AshLee sees CM2 and assumes she's worried about her own relationship with Cody, as she should have been. Ash says her heart is heavy for CM2. "She's been so good to me," and chokes up as she talks. "I just want to love on her." She said she wasn't worried that CM2 was going to talk to AshLee's man. "If they do, hopefully it'll be positive," she said.

But CM2 was having a self-described panic attack, freaking out about the prospect of Graham and AshLee, and tells Graham so. She tells him AshLee is "not genuine" and not here for him, only to put on a show and act like someone's she's not. That's not the pot calling the kettle black, it's the pot calling Mr. Clean black.

She continues, telling Graham, "You're too genuine and sweet of a guy to let a girl make you look like a fool."

Does Graham seek out other opinions? Nope. He sobs, "You're so great to me." I mean, I guess he had no choice but to believe her because in the history of this sordid franchise, anyone who's been the subject of a warning like that has been worthy of it. So this is all on CM2. I only wish someone had the good sense to have warned Cody about the ungenuineness of his gal.

So Graham goes and dumps AshLee, who didn't see it coming. Even though she said she did: "I knew it. Way too good to be true," she said.

So one couple down, five to go. CM2 could smell victory (not knowing there would be no victory, no $250 grand).

Dumb Lacy sounded harsh saying she'd be embarrassed if she were AshLee and that AshLee was "just delusional." But I really think she didn't mean it in a harsh way. That's just dumb talking. (By the way, did you stay to see the outtakes after the show? Marcuszzz told her he was "smitten" with her and she laughed and repeated the word like he was just making it up.)

Next up were Tasos and Christy. This is another reason why the show was so utterly stupid. They invite the guy last week (who knows how many days in real time that was, but probably fewer than seven) and then instruct him to seriously think about his relationship and its potential. Gee, I wonder what he'll do! No surprise that he and Christy call it quits.

Two down.

Then Jackie and Zach split up.

Three down. Three to go.

CM2 told us she was "feeling unstable." Oh, the delicious irony! And then, "It's literally like someone has a gun to your head." Totally, right?! No difference at all.

CM2 and Cody realistically should have been the first couple to call it quits, but CM2 was really stretching her 15 minutes out to its fullest. If there was to be no prize, at least she could say she got her face and name out to the public until the end. Then all she'd have to do is maintain a fake relationship for a suitable length of time until her face fades from sight then announce tearfully her breakup with a wonderful guy, bringing her back to pseudo-prominence. Then be single again in time for the next season of Bachelor in Paradise. Which, incidentally, was picked up by the networks today. The mind boggles.

Anyhoo, when she was pulling out her hair at the prospect of what she might do, I scribbled down:

Pred. – she will not break up 

Oh, they wanted us to think that's where it was heading, but we've seen enough of CM2 to know she's a schemer. Predictions are easy with her.

She called her daughter to get advice about this "really cute boy" she had to make a decision on. The daughter offered sage advice. I don't know how old she is, but she sounded wise beyond her years. Maybe she's 12? Anyway, around there. She said it didn't matter if the boy is cute or not; it only matters if he's nice and they have "stuff in common."

CM2 needed to hear what she needed to hear. Clearly they have nothing in common. Yes, he's nice, I'll give him that. But CM2 misstated her daughter's advice, saying the criteria is "if he's good to you." From what we heard, she didn't say that. She knew she had nothing in common with the guy, but needed something – anything – to hang on to so she could win this thing. Even though there'd be no winning.

Have I mentioned how much I hated this show?

She said she has "to take a leap of faith and see what this next step is." In other words, disobey the Great Leader Chris Harrison. There were no leaps of faith or seeing what the next step would be. It was go all-in or fold, not stick around to see the flop.

Had Tasos known this was an option, maybe he'd have stuck around with Christy Red Chest.

Then the Great Leader showed up again. He told the three remaining couples that he respects the ones who were honest enough to break up. CM2 winced. Maybe not visibly, but I could sense it.

Harrison told them there was one more date and he wanted them to have "difficult, real, raw, honest conversations" about how they'd transition to their real lives. They'd have lots of time because they were all going on overnights. If they found it lacking, there needed to break up and leave Paradise.

Cody just heard overnights and was beaming. CM2 said she was "terrified." But she needed that time to figure things out. "By the end of the night I will be jumping in with two feet with Cody or walking away." Uh-huh. Yes, we all believed that was a very real possibility, crazy lady.

Cody arrived for their date looking like he always looks. He wasn't wearing anything special. But CM2 kept the act going: "Ooh, you look so handsome!"

Sarah was really excited about the upcoming date. So excited, in fact, she used the word "excited" every time she opened her mouth. She was with the "hottest guy" who was "so incredibly sexy." That's love for you! Because there's no way Robert is either.

They smooched hard in the hot tub. Sarah thought the night would be "this perfect opportunity to get to know me in every way possible." Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. And if you didn't quite pick up what she was laying down, she added, "I hope he goes there. I hope he digs deep."

Meanwhile, the dull one was cooing about how he could never imagine life without the dumb one, and the dumb one was saying, "You complete me." Yes, she actually said that.

At dinner, CM2 was telling Cody how amazing he is and how safe she feels with him and how loved she feels by him. Notice she didn't say anything about her love for him? Not even close. Just bright shiny words to daze and confuse Cody. He told her he wants for her to some day be his wife. Oh, that poor sap.

CM2 went with the trying-to-make-it-look-like-a-joke-but-really-deadly-serious route, saying, "Did you know you're not getting laid tonight? Yes, we all knew that. "Fantasy, schmantasy," she added.

Then she told the cameras, "Sometimes I get the impression that guys with that big a body have [bleep] but I could be totally wrong. Maybe his [bleep] is very muscular like the rest of his body. Like the Hulk." My educated guess on the first bleep is [small dicks]. I have no clue what the second bleep could be because who would ever describe a penis as muscular except a crazy person? Oh, right.

The next morning, Lacy said she felt amazing. They "stayed up all night just talking and loving on one another." That's the second reference to "loving on" this episode. Presumably this version was different from the loving on that AshLee wanted to do to CM2.

Robert said his overnight was "so perfect" and an "amazing night." As in, he got an amazing night's sleep.

So far, so classy. Enter Crazy Michelle 2.0.

She said she was "really sore" and "very satisfied." Then she walked into the living room and announced to the others, "Guess who's not confused?! I have a boyfriend!"

This woman is just so full of it. Personally, I think they stayed up all night scheming of ways to make it seem like they were a couple just so they could win the thing, not realizing there was no winner. Because she was just so over-the-top with their kissing and carrying-on.

She then told the other girls how amazing Cody's [bleep] is and that he's really good in bed. Yet Jesse was a scuzzball for sleeping and talking?

But you see what it did? All the talk of her conquest eliminated one more couple, getting her closer to her goal. Poor Sarah, who previously thought she had a great night with Robert, began to question his affection for her. "This room begged for romance and intimacy," she said. "That didn't happen." She said he wore his jeans to bed and didn't want to be physical. She tried to unbuckle his pants and he stopped her. She felt rejected. It was a wasted opportunity. There wasn't even any "neck sucking"! "I don't even know if he has a penis," she said.

So she had to break up with him. She told him she felt "incredibly not loved." Robert replied, "I'm actually very sad right now," with zero emotion. So that was that. Thanks, CM2!

Then she had some regrets as she wondered if she let one weird night go to her head. No, she let CM2 go to her head.

So the six couples were now two: Dull & Dumber, and CM2 & Coco. They were to get some real life advice from three couples made on TV: Jason & Molly, Desiree & Chris, and Sean & Catherine. Molly was unrecognizable to me.

The three couples grilled the two couples. They asked CM2 if she was in love and she replied, "Oh, yeah." She was doing her best to sound enthusiastic but I think she probably justified it in her mind by saying it sarcastically.

Then it was rose time. Cody made a stupid speech saying he wanted to meet CM2's daughter and start a future with her, adding, "I do love you." Then CM2 said she was grateful he'd be moving to Utah, adding, "You're the sugar and I'm the spice and we go together so well." Ugh.

They exchanged roses and walked off down the beach.

Then Marcuszzz got up there and asked if he could get a second alone with Lacy. He was sweating. He gave her a private speech on the beach. Well, private in the sense the others weren't standing around watching. Just cameras and microphones. It was the usual sucky speech from him. Then he pulled out a ring, got down on one knee and proposed. Total rebound relationship move, right?

Lacy accepted. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

And that was that. Here's my question. Was Marcuszzz put up to it? Did the show supply him with a ring? Because if he didn't propose, what was the ending going to be? Two couples exchanging roses and walking off down the beach? It just makes no sense. There was no point to this show. Worst. Show. Ever.

But the best part of the worst show ever was something I'd like to see on the other iterations. They ended by showing updates of many of the contestants. Not all, which I would have liked to have seen, but lots. Chris and Elise, who left together on three legs, broke up after two weeks. Stuff like that.

I've wasted enough words and time on this network time waster. I've got to prepare for Bachelor Canada. I know my American readers can't get the show, but maybe you'll want to stick around to read how it all compares. I saw an ad for it on this episode and it looked like a parody of the American version.

Bachelor in Paradise: The Penultimate Episode

Friday?! Are you kidding me? Should I even post this thing? Aw, why the hell not. Maybe you've forgotten all about it and this will refresh your memory in time for the season finale. What can I say? Real world deadlines got in the way. But fret not, I watched and took notes. And here they are. I kinda feel too late to the party, but what the heck. It's the historical record!

The more I watch this show, the less I get it. The competition aspect is nuts. Makes zero sense. A new person comes in, has one, or at most two, people to choose from, while everyone else gets a free pass week after week. And just as soon as I start to get it, Chris Harrison announces that next week is the last week and everything changes. It's about time!

We started off with the storylines for the show: Jesse's a scuzzball and Cody's an inexperienced puppydog. Sarah, who's getting more and more confident each show (to the detriment of her likable vulnerability) said, "Jesse's here for free booze and to hook up with chicks." Uh, I gotta say I thought that was what the show was all about, too.

And Cody told Crazy Michelle 2.0 he's in love with her and he's 100% committed to her. Because, you know, it's been about a week and you just know these things after that length of time. CM2 needed to talk to him. You see, she's just not in that place right now. She wants to take it at a "good, steady pace." i.e. just slow enough that it'll get her to the final show (mission accomplished!) with a shot to win whatever the winners win on this ridiculous adventure.

As if the show wasn't boring enough, the date card went to Marcuszzz. Gee, I wonder who he'd ask! He shocked Paradise by choosing Lacy. Who saw that coming? The big dram was that Marcuszzz, a fellow puppydog, already long ago proclaimed his undying love to Lacy. She, however, has been mum on the subject.

They get out on their date and arrive at a ladder down a hole in the ground (or "stairs," as Lacy calls them). This was out in nature, if you didn't see the show; it wasn't some manhole or something. So they descend down into this "really ancient cave." Yes, folks, it was the real deal, not one of these fancy new caves that are all the rage these days.

Lacy was in awe of the awe-inspiring selegments. No, wait, not selegments... stalaglights. Yeah, that's it. Stalaglights. Lacy may sound dumb but in reality she's just not very smart. Further proof: "It's all so natural in nature." Nailed it, sweetheart. (She's the same woman who said she was "80-40" in deciding who to give a date card to in the first or second episode.)

Turns out they entered the Bat Cave. The little critters were everywhere, swooping down at them as they slowly moved through the water. Marcuszzz said he loved being the man for her and protecting her. It worked because Lacy finally used the L-word, even if she just went with the standard Bachelor-type copout: "I'm falling in love with you." It sounds so promising, doesn't it? She's not actually in love, like Marcuszzz, but she thinks when and if she lands, she might arrive at it.

Back in Paradise, CM2 confided in Jesse. I thought it odd at the time, and even more so later when she has nothing good to say about the guy. But she was telling him that Cody was coming on "really, really strong" and saying "I need some space. I don't like to be touched all the time." Then she said – and this is key – that she doesn't like "the big, beefy guys." Yeah, of course, she didn't see that before. He must have suddenly added all those muscles. Jesse advises her – rightly – to call it off.

But first, we see Sarah and Robert getting it on in the briny. He's her guy. But wait! Here comes Brooks, from Desiree's season. Sarah now is "literally freaking out." You see, she is physically attracted to Brooks. "I don't want to mess things up with Robert, but at the same time I really wanted Brooks there," she said.

Brooks arrives with a date card, as is custom, and he gets to choose among all the one available girl. In fact, Robert puts Sarah in a headlock and tells Brooks, "Don't even look here." And, "If you ask her, I'll kill you. She's my bay-bay."

Brooks very correctly believes that nobody should be off the table. Exactamundo! But he's a gentleman, I guess, and doesn't ask Sarah. He asks Jackie, instead, who jumps at the chance.

Then we get a lot of Sarah's fake confusion and angst. She had to try very hard not to even look at her Adonis (Brooks, not Robert). She was "beyond frustrated and bummed." She found that Robert was getting "more and more territorial." Usually not a healthy sign, but Sarah loved it. Still, though, she was freaking out over Brooks.

Jackie sports a sparkly headband and heads out on her date. Brooks impresses by ordering in Spanish. And Jackie impresses by being so cute and beautiful. It caused Brooks to just zone out over her words. But he still managed to be charming and funny. They have a foosball grudge match. Brooks rigs it so he gets a kiss no matter what the outcome (crafty devil). "But just on the lips, not the cheek," Brooks assures her. But Jackie says she doesn't kiss on the first date, unless it's with a guy like Marquel. She's true to her word. She wins the game, but they exchange only a hug.

Meanwhile, Sarah is still fake-gushing over Brooks, saying, "He's so handsome and so funny" and she lights up around him. She said this was putting a microscope on her relationship with Robert and she apparently didn't like what she saw close up. She decided she had to fake-breakup with Robert.

Then she found a lovey-dovey note to her from Robert. This was going to be awkward! She meets him on the beach. He greets her with, "Hey, beautiful!" They sip wine. He says when the show is over, he wants to explore their relationship in the real world. That's it. Robert is the guy for her! She is one easy nut to crack.

Speaking of fake breakups, it was time for CM2 to break the bad news to Cody. We knew it wasn't going to happen, right? Especially after the Sarah-Robert fake breakup. Cody starts by telling CM2 he wants her to meet his family. Wrong show, buddy. Crazy Michelle 2.0, who knows a thing or two about craziness, says, "Don't talk crazy."

Cody tells her to go at her own pace. "I'll give you as much space as you need," he says, which was exactly the opening CM2 needed to keep stringing him along so she can maximize screen time. But then she lip-kisses him! Ewwww! She says she wants to create a strong foundation by taking it slow, but the guy is still big and beefy, is he not?

Then we get some obviously old comments from Christy dug out from the first day in Paradise where she says Jesse's charming and such a good guy, etc. etc. That was juxtaposed with info on Lucy "feeling him up," a term I'd never heard used in that direction. But apparently it means he got a hand-job from the dirty hippy. Cut to Christy saying Jesse's a "misogynistic, manipulative [bleep]. Such a douchebag. I hate him." (Even I couldn't figure out the bleep.) Not sure how receiving a hand-job makes one misogynistic, but I'm sure there were other reasons.

Christy, at a down moment, asks CM2 if she ever had thoughts about leaving. The look on CM2's face was priceless! It was like she couldn't even compute those words. Walking away from being on TV?! That's crazy talk! She took a moment to process then came up with, "Yeah, but then Cody showed up." Not that she felt anything toward the puppydog; just that she felt she could now conceivably stick around for her piece of the pie.

Then Tasos arrived. He takes CM2 aside for some reason. It didn't look like he was going to ask her on a date, although that's what they wanted us to think. Who knows, though? Maybe they knew each other. Maybe the producers told him to. CM2, knowing she had a pretty easy thing with Cody, immediately knew she could come off looking selfless by recommending he ask Christy on a date.

She accepts. Jesse, not ready to leave, keeps referring to Tasos as Tacos.

Christy tells us she came to Paradise with her heart wide open. Is that what that is? I thought she just badly needed sunscreen on her chest. Turns out it was bloody ticker.

On the beach, Jackie and Brooks played a game of HORSE on a basketball hoop from the props department on Gilligan's Island. Zach, Jackie's other boyfriend, sits and watches, planning his next move. It comes by way of a date card. He asks Jackie and she says, "I would love to!" And she sounded sincere.

AshLee wasn't pleased another week came and went without her man Graham getting a card. I don't think Graham cared one way or another. AshLee, incidentally, was also wearing a Xanadu headband. They're the new scarf. (Remember how everyone was wearing scarves last season?)

Also remember how much CM2 detests AshLee? So the two of them are sitting on the sofa and Ash turns to her and says, "Can I cheers you for being so amazing to me?" And CM2 is just the biggest phoney. Still. It never ends. "No, you're amazing to me!" she replies.

(I know, CM2's spin on it is that AshLee is a conniving B-I-T-C-H, and maybe there's some truth to that, but it doesn't mean CM2 is any less conniving, bitchy or phoney.)

Jackie and Zach heard such good things about that magical Bat Cave, they had to go themselves. After a swim, they step up to a giant Cave Bed and drink Cave Daiquiris. She asks him, "Are you still feeling like you don't want to go home?" Huh? Where did that come from? Right outta Bat Left Field, that's where. She said she was feeling very confident with Zach, but she seemed stiff. But still, they engaged in some majestic Bat Kissing.

Before the sixth and final rose ceremony, Jackie said she feels like she's connecting with someone. Then she kisses Zach. He returns and Brooks says Zach just made a big mistake. He "came back too early," he said. "I'll be back in two hours."

I guess on their date, they had made a promise to paint each others' nails. Brooks made good on the promise and brought some nail polish and proceeded to get at 'er. Did a good job, too, but how hard can applying nail polish be? From what I could tell, she didn't paint his. She's a promise breaker.

Christy met up with Jesse and said she doesn't "wish it to go any further." Jesse responds with, "Why didn't you just fucking say that?" He then told her he's leaving. That upset Christy a lot. Not because he was leaving but because she didn't stand up for herself. She wanted to be the one to break up with him. I guess she'd been drinking and forgot that she did, in fact, break up with him. What else does "I don't wish it to go any further" mean?

CM2 told her, "You're a victim of him being a tool." Christy replied, "I don't want to play victim." CM2 did a quick 180 and shot back, "So don't play victim." Great advice, Crazy Michelle 2.0!

Oh, and what is Y.O.P.O? I can't figure that out. Can't remember where I saw it, but I scribbled it in my notes. You Only Pre-exist Once? You Only Poo Once? You Only Paradise Once? Yeah, that's gotta be it.

Jesse, meanwhile, was just happy to be going to a fully-stocked limousine. But before he could enjoy it, Christy, CM2 and Lacy confronted him. Christy told him that leaving was "so cowardly." He asked her to explain why that makes him a coward. Um, because he wouldn't be getting a rose and, uh...

Then Lacy said, "Here's the thing: You go on dates with multiple people." And... ??? As I said, this show is so confusing. Just from memory, Lacy went out with Robert before hooking up with Marcuszzz, Jackie has gone on dates with Marquel, Brooks, and Zach. Am I missing anyone? CM2 has gone on dates with Cody, Marquel and Robert. Am I missing anyone? So her accusation was pretty much just an observation at this point.

Then CM2 had her turn, telling Jesse that the way he's "spoken about the girls was cowardly." Maybe ungentlemanly, but cowardly? Also, aren't the other guys even slightly culpable in this? They helped spread the word, too.

But Christy got in the last words, telling Jesse he was going to die alone. As the limo pulled away, Jesse downed a shot saying, "To leaving Paradise."

Then the rose ceremony and this sucky, sucky trend started by the sucky, sucky Marcuszzz has continued, with each person feeling the need to give a little speech to their beloved (or in the case of CM2, her ticket to the finals). Here's how it went down:

1. Lacy gave her rose to Marcuszzz and said she was "very much in love" and other such nonsense
2. AshLee yammered on to Graham
3. Sarah told Robert she was falling in love with him
4. CM2 lied through her teeth, telling Cody he means so much to her
5. Christy, to her eternal credit, simply gave the rose to Tasos. No speech!
6. Jackie offered hers to Zach

So Brooks was left out in the cold. You know it's just a faulty game (or whatever this is supposed to be) when a guy like Brooks is sent home after half an episode. He arrives and has so little to choose from. It's just a really poorly thought-out concept this season. Had Brooks been there from the first episode, there's no doubt in my mind he most likely still be there, ensconced in an unbeatable twosome.

Chris Harrison arrived to inform them that was the last ceremony. There would be no new arrivals. Who knows how they go about selecting a winning couple, but it can't be any worse than what's transpired so far. But count on this: Harrison told us that there will be "another dramatic ending that you won't see coming!" Maybe this time he means it, too!

Bachelor in Paradise: Lights, camera, AshLee!

It's a race against the clock. Damn ABC and damn the producers who think they need to foist back-to-back episodes on us. Don't they care about the bloggers who toil away for nothing in support of their show? Or is it payback for all the nasty things we say about it? Now I've got to scramble to get my thoughts up on last night's episode before tonight's episode airs. Because I certainly do not want to have to do a behemoth recap on the both of them. (Remember I'm on west coast time, so cut me some slack.)

Monday's show started with a tease that did more than tease (in effect, it did a lot less than tease). Chris Harrison told us about a "shocking ending" we "won't see coming," then proceeded to show us AshLee offering the rose to Graham and him walking out the door. Well, now we'll see it coming, that's for sure.

This episode was almost unwatchable for me because of Crazy Michelle 2.0. I keep calling her that because that's what I called her originally due to her, um, craziness. I'm not so sure she's crazy anymore more than just a total publicity whore. She crafts everything she says to optimize the amount of screen time she'll get. Everything is calculated with that in mind. She's been coached in soundbites. Or course, there's also the possibility that the producers just have a mammoth hard-on for her, which is why they permitted Creepy Chris to circumvent the rules and give her his rose even though the instructions called for the men to give them to the women they want a relationship with.

Crazy Michelle 2.0 (CM2) was so all over this episode it was all I could do to keep watching. I can't remember ever having that reaction to anyone before. ... Oh wait, I had a really bad reaction to Andi in Juan Pablo's season, but that was for different reasons.

CM2 was grateful to Creepy Chris (CC) for allowing her to complete her journey. That journey being exposure, lest anyone think it has anything to do with a relationship. Still, she was on her own. Nobody (understandably) wanted anything to do with her.

The rose ceremony just ended from last week and the gang headed to the beach where Robert was given another date card. Keep in mind, even though we saw the ceremony seven days earlier, he had just moments before given a rose to Sarah. So quite naturally he asks Sarah on the date. Makes total sense.

CM2 had to think quick to get the camera back on her so she went off to her room crying. Her buddy Graham came a-knockin' to console her woe-is-me act. Maybe that's why she drinks so much. He told her a million guys would love to go out with her, but she lamented that no one asks her out. Uh, that might have something to do with the fact that the vixen lives in Salt Lake City, the most religious city in North America.

Then the next day she was still crying crocodile tears, blaming her situation on being a single mom. You know how guys hate single moms, right? Remember how nobody wanted to date Emily either?... Oh yeah, right. Sorry.

Even though she was (pretending to be) miserable, she mustered up enough courage to braid Sarah's hair before her big date. Not because she's a selfless individual; it just guarantees more screen time.

Brawny Cody then strolled onto the set, greeted exhuberently by his buddies Marquel and Marcuszzz from this past season with Andi. He had been following Clare for some time and asked her out on a date, not knowing Clare was hooked up with Zack. Sounds like a soap opera, doesn't it?

Clare took Cody aside and turns him down gently. He gave it the hard sell but she was undeterred. He said, in effect, what's the harm in going out to get to know me? It won't affect your relationship with Zack. So Clare then excused herself to go ask Zack.

Zack said he's not a jealous guy and doesn't want to tell her what to do. So she asked him what he'd do if the situation were reversed. And Zack offered a textbook response on how not to answer a woman in your life: "Depends on who the girl is." You cannot take that back no matter how hard you try, and he tried. "Depends on the situation," he clarified. Too late.

They had a bit of a tete-a-tete. Zack was saying she wants something serious, and she was saying she wants a man who knows what he wants. I thought Zack proved that. He knows he wants something better if it happens to come along. If not, he's perfectly happy with Clare.

Clare thought Zack was a little wishy-washy, which was disappointing to her. Cody, on the other hand, knows what he wants. Not that it helps him. She still turned him down. "You're killing me!" he kept repeating to her. He kept at it, telling her how beautiful she is and how much better looking in person she is, and that she's the reason he's there in the first place. Clare was clearly flattered but she's a woman of morals and stood her ground.

Cody couldn't see dating anyone else so he gave his date card to Marcuszzz, who almost smiled for the first time in two seasons. "I'm very smitten with Lacy," he said robotically.

Then the guy who fell in love too quickly with Andi dropped his pants too early with Lacy, too, telling her, "I love... er, like you for who you are." Can you say "rebound?"

I found this episode more than others had too much needless play-by-play commentary by the others. That is, we'd see what happens, then we'd get an interview with somebody telling us exactly what we just saw, without any interesting or clever take on it.

Zack said he was happy with Clare's decision, saying all his "eggs are in [her] basket." He regretted how he handled the situation earlier. Nice save!

Back by the fire, CM2 was dropping hints like acid to Cody, telling him she's only been on one date. That should have been a red flag for Cody, but he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Remember Kalon from Emily's season? The pretend-rich guy who allegedly inferred that Emily's child was "baggage"? Yeah, well, he showed up. As desperate as CM2 is, she wouldn't stoop that low. Not sure why. Kondescending Kalon was nothing but class. He said he had "tunnel vision for 5-foot-10 with some boobs." I thought Clare would have dug him since he clearly knows what he wants.

When he saw what he wanted, he approached, asking CM2 out on his date. "Oh, that's nice! I would love that," she enthused. For his part, he said he wanted to "zip-line right into her tits. Oh my God, I would motorboat the fuck out of that." Clearly he was told by the producers to play up the jerk angle.

Kondescending Kalon had it coming. CM2 sat him down and told him very clearly she didn't appreciate the "baggage" stuff, especially since she has a kid of her own. Kondescending Kalon didn't budge, still refusing to explain or apologize. He called it water under the bridge. She respectfully declined the date.

KK was undeterred, though. He approached sun lizards Jackie and Sarah, saying his date card involved "sperlunking" [sic]. Sarah whined, "What's 'sperlunking'?" through her nose. He asked Jackie to go with him. She turned him down, too. Sarah didn't like what she saw coming, since she said she's "zero percent attracted" to the "fake, cheezy, and sleazy" Kalon. "Kalon wouldn't get close enough to my mouth for me to throw up in his mouth when he kissed me," she said, trying her best to be quotable.

Sure enough, he came back to ask Sarah. Aaaand... strike three and you're out! So off he went to make Bachelor history with the first one-on-none date. There was all manner of joke – from him and the others – that it was the perfect choice.

Off he went, solo. He arrived at "an enormous man cave." Uh, no, Kalon, that's called a "cave." A real cave. Continuing his classy appearance to date, he said, "I can't say I've ever rappelled into a giant Mexican hole but I've rappelled into a tight Mexican hole."

He then proceeded to say all the right things to himself, like toasting, "To us!" and "I found someone I could really spend the rest of my life with."

Cue the foreshadowing. Marquel said, "What could possibly go wrong." Enter Jesse, from Jillian's season. Some thought he was a bit of a playboy, a bit of a player. But Jackie apparently didn't. He asked her on a date and she accepted, as Marquel pulled his hoody up over his head in shame.

I guess with the exit of Creepy Chris, the producers realized they needed a new creepy dude. Don't know what Jackie was thinking, but she seemed to be into finding someone other than Marquel because when they arrived at their dinner, she said it was a "perfect romantic setting to get to know someone." I woulda thunk you'd want to get to know someone before you brought in the romance, but that's just me.

To top it all off, there were a couple of cave-dwelling musicians living under the rocks. Turns out cave-dwelling musicians are just as bad as the usual variety this show sees.

CM2, realizing her time was slipping away, saw everyone getting massages except her own bare neck. Cody wasn't offering, either. But he was the only option so she made him think she really wanted one from him. And he obliged, wrapping his big, muscular arms around her. She hid her revulsion well, knowing she must use him to keep her face in the public eye. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

And then the drama began. We saw AshLee sitting with Zack asking him if he wants to be "tied down like that" with Clare. And, "If you're not totally sold on her and committed, I'd advise you to meet other people. I love Clare but cuckoo!" Then she brought up Clare's ocean romp with Juan Pablo. Good gossippy stuff.

And even better when she said, "I'm surprised there's not a camera on us." Whoopsy!

Turns out she's extremely aware of where all the cameras are, when they're on her, and how she presents herself in said situations. She may not be who she presents herself as.

Then Lacy told Clare about what AshLee had said. As you do in soap operas. And hell hath no fury like Clare scorned.

Zack told Clare, basically, to calm down. "Don't focus on other girls," he said. "It's hurting us." Then she turned it on him. He should have stuck up for her, had her back. She walked off. He followed with his tail between his legs. "I don't want to involve you," she said, meaning, "I want to involve you but you're a coward so I won't."

It didn't last, though, because we next saw them sitting at the fire, Clare between Zack's legs, all cozy-like.

AshLee took Clare aside saying she wasn't sure what was up, even though she knew full well what was up. And what would go down.

Clare told her she felt "super disrespected." AshLee countered that she was simply talking in the general sense, forgetting for a moment those cameras also had microphones attached and Clare would find out soon enough what AshLee really said.

AshLee, panicking, talked calmly, saying, "I don't feel you did anything wrong," to which Clare rightfully responded, "I didn't do anything wrong!" Well, except for making sweet, sweet love to Juan Pablo in the ocean. But that's water under her legs.

AshLee asked, "Want to hug it out?" hoping for a truce. "I'm good. I'm good, thank you," replied Clare, and she walked off.

AshLee was upset because, as she put it, "I work hard on my character." At least when the camera's on, anyway.

Cody's closeness to CM2 through touch did the trick. He told her he thinks he has a better connection with her than he'd have had with Clare. Then again, he must have realized the women were handing out the roses and he wasn't paired up with anyone. Necessity is the father of invention.

Before the rose ceremony, CM2 pulled Graham aside to tell him what everyone else but him already knew about AshLee's miscues. Graham doesn't approve of things like that. CM2 wanted him to decline the rose from AshLee. Gee, I wonder if he would. I certainly wouldn't see that coming!

But he did say he's having "serious doubts about AshLee in [his] life." Da-da-dum!

At the rose ceremony it was:

• Lacy giving a rose to Marcuszzz
• Clare handing hers to Zack
• Then AshLee calling on Graham with a big expectant smile on her face.

That's when Graham – beyond anyone's wildest expectations! – took a moment and walked off. CM2 followed, asking, "Are you okay?" Then... then...

To...

Be...

Continued...

I think I made it just in time. Now back to the TV.