Bachelor in Paradise: The worst is over

Wow. I'm speechless. How shockingly bad was this series? Unbelievable. It is, without a doubt, the absolute worst thing the producers have ever done. Ill-conceived, poorly thought-out, dull, deceitful, and pointless. And those were its good points!

Chris Harrison promised off the top – as he does to everything he's ever been involved with – that there would be a shocking ending we wouldn't see coming. Spoiler alert: It was a proposal. Shocking? Not in the slightest. Did I see it coming? No, but who cares? It wasn't surprising one bit. Marcuszzz falls hopelessly in love with anything that moves. If she loves him back, it's game over.

We started with the six couples entering a room and AshLee sporting some of the weirdest cleavage I've ever seen, rivalled only by Jackie's. Not saying it wasn't pleasant; just different looking. AshLee also wore her crazy accessories, which included a string headband and a combo ring/bracelet thing.

Harrison arrived to instruct them to take a "hard, honest look at your relationship." He told them if they didn't believe the relationship had a future, to break up and leave. Um, okay, Mr. Bossy Pants. That was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard of. And it was made more ridiculous when he added, "Don't fool yourselves, don't fool each other, and don't try and fool me." Are they under his spell or something? Were they worried about an appearance by a lie detector test? Why would they agree to do this?

Most puzzling because no one knew the end game. Was there a prize on the line? Money to be had? A trip, perhaps? They're risking it just because he told them to. Something seemed fishy.

But no, there was no prize. I mean, except a booby prize. A literal one in the case of Marcuszzz, who revealed that's why he loved Lacy so. (In return, she expressed a fondness for his hairy chest.)

I was still perplexed why grown adults would just agree to make a decision on their relationship right then and there. It was a forever future or sayonara.

The sexes divided up and talked amongst themselves. Cody thought it felt like they're "making this decision pretty quick." Almost as quick as it took for him to express his love for Crazy Michelle 2.0.

Aside: Just took a break to take a gander at Twitter. Looks like I'm in the minority. People love this show! People think CM2 and Cody are a wonderful couple! Am I too cynical and grumpy?

I just don't see how anyone could watch the two-facedness of CM2 and come away believing anything she says about anything. She tells us she doesn't trust AshLee and goes to tell Graham that she needs to go home. Graham will see right through her, right?

Meanwhile, AshLee sees CM2 and assumes she's worried about her own relationship with Cody, as she should have been. Ash says her heart is heavy for CM2. "She's been so good to me," and chokes up as she talks. "I just want to love on her." She said she wasn't worried that CM2 was going to talk to AshLee's man. "If they do, hopefully it'll be positive," she said.

But CM2 was having a self-described panic attack, freaking out about the prospect of Graham and AshLee, and tells Graham so. She tells him AshLee is "not genuine" and not here for him, only to put on a show and act like someone's she's not. That's not the pot calling the kettle black, it's the pot calling Mr. Clean black.

She continues, telling Graham, "You're too genuine and sweet of a guy to let a girl make you look like a fool."

Does Graham seek out other opinions? Nope. He sobs, "You're so great to me." I mean, I guess he had no choice but to believe her because in the history of this sordid franchise, anyone who's been the subject of a warning like that has been worthy of it. So this is all on CM2. I only wish someone had the good sense to have warned Cody about the ungenuineness of his gal.

So Graham goes and dumps AshLee, who didn't see it coming. Even though she said she did: "I knew it. Way too good to be true," she said.

So one couple down, five to go. CM2 could smell victory (not knowing there would be no victory, no $250 grand).

Dumb Lacy sounded harsh saying she'd be embarrassed if she were AshLee and that AshLee was "just delusional." But I really think she didn't mean it in a harsh way. That's just dumb talking. (By the way, did you stay to see the outtakes after the show? Marcuszzz told her he was "smitten" with her and she laughed and repeated the word like he was just making it up.)

Next up were Tasos and Christy. This is another reason why the show was so utterly stupid. They invite the guy last week (who knows how many days in real time that was, but probably fewer than seven) and then instruct him to seriously think about his relationship and its potential. Gee, I wonder what he'll do! No surprise that he and Christy call it quits.

Two down.

Then Jackie and Zach split up.

Three down. Three to go.

CM2 told us she was "feeling unstable." Oh, the delicious irony! And then, "It's literally like someone has a gun to your head." Totally, right?! No difference at all.

CM2 and Cody realistically should have been the first couple to call it quits, but CM2 was really stretching her 15 minutes out to its fullest. If there was to be no prize, at least she could say she got her face and name out to the public until the end. Then all she'd have to do is maintain a fake relationship for a suitable length of time until her face fades from sight then announce tearfully her breakup with a wonderful guy, bringing her back to pseudo-prominence. Then be single again in time for the next season of Bachelor in Paradise. Which, incidentally, was picked up by the networks today. The mind boggles.

Anyhoo, when she was pulling out her hair at the prospect of what she might do, I scribbled down:

Pred. – she will not break up 

Oh, they wanted us to think that's where it was heading, but we've seen enough of CM2 to know she's a schemer. Predictions are easy with her.

She called her daughter to get advice about this "really cute boy" she had to make a decision on. The daughter offered sage advice. I don't know how old she is, but she sounded wise beyond her years. Maybe she's 12? Anyway, around there. She said it didn't matter if the boy is cute or not; it only matters if he's nice and they have "stuff in common."

CM2 needed to hear what she needed to hear. Clearly they have nothing in common. Yes, he's nice, I'll give him that. But CM2 misstated her daughter's advice, saying the criteria is "if he's good to you." From what we heard, she didn't say that. She knew she had nothing in common with the guy, but needed something – anything – to hang on to so she could win this thing. Even though there'd be no winning.

Have I mentioned how much I hated this show?

She said she has "to take a leap of faith and see what this next step is." In other words, disobey the Great Leader Chris Harrison. There were no leaps of faith or seeing what the next step would be. It was go all-in or fold, not stick around to see the flop.

Had Tasos known this was an option, maybe he'd have stuck around with Christy Red Chest.

Then the Great Leader showed up again. He told the three remaining couples that he respects the ones who were honest enough to break up. CM2 winced. Maybe not visibly, but I could sense it.

Harrison told them there was one more date and he wanted them to have "difficult, real, raw, honest conversations" about how they'd transition to their real lives. They'd have lots of time because they were all going on overnights. If they found it lacking, there needed to break up and leave Paradise.

Cody just heard overnights and was beaming. CM2 said she was "terrified." But she needed that time to figure things out. "By the end of the night I will be jumping in with two feet with Cody or walking away." Uh-huh. Yes, we all believed that was a very real possibility, crazy lady.

Cody arrived for their date looking like he always looks. He wasn't wearing anything special. But CM2 kept the act going: "Ooh, you look so handsome!"

Sarah was really excited about the upcoming date. So excited, in fact, she used the word "excited" every time she opened her mouth. She was with the "hottest guy" who was "so incredibly sexy." That's love for you! Because there's no way Robert is either.

They smooched hard in the hot tub. Sarah thought the night would be "this perfect opportunity to get to know me in every way possible." Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. And if you didn't quite pick up what she was laying down, she added, "I hope he goes there. I hope he digs deep."

Meanwhile, the dull one was cooing about how he could never imagine life without the dumb one, and the dumb one was saying, "You complete me." Yes, she actually said that.

At dinner, CM2 was telling Cody how amazing he is and how safe she feels with him and how loved she feels by him. Notice she didn't say anything about her love for him? Not even close. Just bright shiny words to daze and confuse Cody. He told her he wants for her to some day be his wife. Oh, that poor sap.

CM2 went with the trying-to-make-it-look-like-a-joke-but-really-deadly-serious route, saying, "Did you know you're not getting laid tonight? Yes, we all knew that. "Fantasy, schmantasy," she added.

Then she told the cameras, "Sometimes I get the impression that guys with that big a body have [bleep] but I could be totally wrong. Maybe his [bleep] is very muscular like the rest of his body. Like the Hulk." My educated guess on the first bleep is [small dicks]. I have no clue what the second bleep could be because who would ever describe a penis as muscular except a crazy person? Oh, right.

The next morning, Lacy said she felt amazing. They "stayed up all night just talking and loving on one another." That's the second reference to "loving on" this episode. Presumably this version was different from the loving on that AshLee wanted to do to CM2.

Robert said his overnight was "so perfect" and an "amazing night." As in, he got an amazing night's sleep.

So far, so classy. Enter Crazy Michelle 2.0.

She said she was "really sore" and "very satisfied." Then she walked into the living room and announced to the others, "Guess who's not confused?! I have a boyfriend!"

This woman is just so full of it. Personally, I think they stayed up all night scheming of ways to make it seem like they were a couple just so they could win the thing, not realizing there was no winner. Because she was just so over-the-top with their kissing and carrying-on.

She then told the other girls how amazing Cody's [bleep] is and that he's really good in bed. Yet Jesse was a scuzzball for sleeping and talking?

But you see what it did? All the talk of her conquest eliminated one more couple, getting her closer to her goal. Poor Sarah, who previously thought she had a great night with Robert, began to question his affection for her. "This room begged for romance and intimacy," she said. "That didn't happen." She said he wore his jeans to bed and didn't want to be physical. She tried to unbuckle his pants and he stopped her. She felt rejected. It was a wasted opportunity. There wasn't even any "neck sucking"! "I don't even know if he has a penis," she said.

So she had to break up with him. She told him she felt "incredibly not loved." Robert replied, "I'm actually very sad right now," with zero emotion. So that was that. Thanks, CM2!

Then she had some regrets as she wondered if she let one weird night go to her head. No, she let CM2 go to her head.

So the six couples were now two: Dull & Dumber, and CM2 & Coco. They were to get some real life advice from three couples made on TV: Jason & Molly, Desiree & Chris, and Sean & Catherine. Molly was unrecognizable to me.

The three couples grilled the two couples. They asked CM2 if she was in love and she replied, "Oh, yeah." She was doing her best to sound enthusiastic but I think she probably justified it in her mind by saying it sarcastically.

Then it was rose time. Cody made a stupid speech saying he wanted to meet CM2's daughter and start a future with her, adding, "I do love you." Then CM2 said she was grateful he'd be moving to Utah, adding, "You're the sugar and I'm the spice and we go together so well." Ugh.

They exchanged roses and walked off down the beach.

Then Marcuszzz got up there and asked if he could get a second alone with Lacy. He was sweating. He gave her a private speech on the beach. Well, private in the sense the others weren't standing around watching. Just cameras and microphones. It was the usual sucky speech from him. Then he pulled out a ring, got down on one knee and proposed. Total rebound relationship move, right?

Lacy accepted. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

And that was that. Here's my question. Was Marcuszzz put up to it? Did the show supply him with a ring? Because if he didn't propose, what was the ending going to be? Two couples exchanging roses and walking off down the beach? It just makes no sense. There was no point to this show. Worst. Show. Ever.

But the best part of the worst show ever was something I'd like to see on the other iterations. They ended by showing updates of many of the contestants. Not all, which I would have liked to have seen, but lots. Chris and Elise, who left together on three legs, broke up after two weeks. Stuff like that.

I've wasted enough words and time on this network time waster. I've got to prepare for Bachelor Canada. I know my American readers can't get the show, but maybe you'll want to stick around to read how it all compares. I saw an ad for it on this episode and it looked like a parody of the American version.