Farmer Chris: All this for Chris?

Really looking forward to tonight's episode. Not because of anything the women might tell us, but because it's the light at the end of the tunnel. Only one more week! Fourteen more sleeps! (I nap a lot.)

A standing ovation for Chris. Harrison, that is. Is he bigger than the show? No, but I betcha he thinks he is. He tells us this is the most shocking season they've ever had. He almost keeps a straight face, too. I sense he's saying it tongue in cheek but the audience takes him seriously. Then again, if you're the type to go to a live taping of The Bachelor, chances are you buy it hook(er), (eye)line(r) and s(t)inker.

Now the tradition of crashing Bachelor viewing parties. A tradition that dates back a year or two. A totally unnecessary television event. How do they know where these parties are? And if they know where they are, they can't be a surprise. There are no surprises in network television. Chris worries that some of them might have guns. One lady old enough to be Chris' mother does have guns, so to speak, and kisses Chris smack on the lips.

At one party, a woman mistakes Carly for Becca. Or vice versa. I'm still not sure who's who.

At another, everyone starts chanting "Shot! Shot! Shot!" No guns, though, thank God. They're talking alcohol. One woman downs hers from the bottle. Then the gang goes chasing Chris' vehicle down the street.

Oh, get this: Harrison promises "the funniest bloopers in Bachelor history." If there's one laugh in them, he'll be right.

Here are the ladies: Nikki, Trina, Juelia, Tara, Amber, Megan, Samantha, Jordan, Ashley S., Jillian, Kelsey, Britt, Mackenzie, Ashley I., Jade, Carly, and Kaitlyn. I'm sure I'll remember them as they start crying.

Britt asks Carly why she pretended to be her friend. Carly says she didn't pretend. I love the ambiguity. She has plausible deniability where she can say, No, I wasn't pretending; I really liked you. When, in fact, she probably meant, I wasn't pretending and I didn't like you. The women go back and forth and start talking over each other. Harrison invites Britt up to the couch and asks her if she was falling in love with Chris. She says, "Absolutely." Who's buying that? But it quickly goes back to everyone talking over everyone else.

Jillian, on steroids, is "a little jacked up," according to Harrison. She defends the Dirty Hippy, and that makes Britt cry some more. Then she gives her résumé about coaching children, etc. in an effort to be chosen the next Bachelorette. (And I've got to say, since seeing her on Jimmy Kimmel Live, I'd support that. I like her.)

The Sexy Fake Virgin, who's sitting up very straight to keep her boobs from falling out of her vertically split blouse, brings up overhearing the Dirty Hippy talking about being happy with being single and saying she didn't want kids. Britt's got an answer for every charge. And a believable one, too. Then Carly says she doesn't wish Britt ill-will at all. But then they start talking about Arlington and it all deteriorates into a veritable she said/she said.

Harrison asks Britt if she thinks she'd still be with Chris if Carly weren't there and Britt says yes. She's crying a bit too much that my support for her Bachelorette bid is waning, but I still like her. I don't mind Carly, either – although certainly not as Bachelorette – even though I think she was jumping to conclusions. In fact, I don't think I actively disliked any of the women this season, crazy or manipulative though some may be.

We come back from commercial and Britt is still crying, hashing it out with Harrison. Okay, too much. But as my wife says, she's even pretty when she cries. Britt says she really thinks she could be with Chris if it weren't for Carly. Then she's escorted back to her seat and we get the count-in to live TV. What's that all about? Is that fair? Are there no private conversations even during a commercial break? Reminds me of Detective Frank Drebin in The Naked Gun leaving the podium with his mic on and taking a whiz while everyone out in the conference hall hears the whole thing.

Things don't promise to get any rosier with Kelsey in the hotseat. Harrison says the other women call Kelsey the Black Widow. I don't think I heard that before. It's a little below the belt, I'd say. In about her third sentence out of her mouth, she mentions the death of her husband. Thank God because we almost forgot. She cries and asks for a tissue. Harrison gives her his silk hanky and she blows her nose with it. He says, "It's yours now."

Even though she's crying (and sometimes laughing; it's kinda her thing), the other women just laugh at her. That's gotta be the worst. I'd think it would be easier to take irrational screaming than someone just laughing in your face. Some of the women are chomping at the bit, asking if they can speak. Harrison says, "Not yet," in a take-charge way. Hey, Harrison just said "chomping at the bit" right after I wrote it. Trust me, I wrote it first.

Juelia said Kelsey is one of the most calculated people and one of the fakest she's ever met. Megan says her mom, who lost her husband suddenly, couldn't fathom how Kelsey could use her husband's death like that and Megan suggests if she was still grieving, she shouldn't have come on the show in the first place. And the rest pile on. I do a cursory search for Sanderson Poe, Kelsey's deceased husband, and find out he died last May. Yeah, it does seem a bit soon to be publicly looking for love, but who's to say? As public defender Jillian says, everyone grieves differently.

Kelsey asks for forgiveness. The Sexy Fake Virgin says it's hard to forgive her. Then Kelsey reminds the Sexy Fake Virgin about something she said that was so "below the belt" (again, I used that expression before she said it; I guess I just like clichés). SFV had apparently suggested Kelsey's husband was fake. Superheroine Jillian comes to Kelsey's rescue. Here's the thing, though: Kelsey seems like a bad actress even if she's being completely honest. I'd absolutely love to see her as the next Bachelorette. That would probably be the best season ever, for all the wrong reasons.

Now for the comic relief. It's the nutbar Ashley S. This is her moment in the sun. It's what she wanted all along – her 15 minutes. We see a series of non sequiturs from her time on the show. She looks relatively sane watching the clips. Now we can get a better sense if this was all an act or not.

Harrison calls her "easily one of" his favourite women of all time. She hugs him and says, "It's nice to meet you." She is so acting. She brings him a "hosting gift": an onion. It's from her garden. Apparently. No matter what she says, everyone is in stitches. I don't get it. She mentions Mesa Verde and Vancouver Girl is busting a gut. She likes to ride bikes and Sexy Fake Virgin is in hysterics. You can't write that!

Harrison begs her to join them in Bachelor in Paradise. The crowd chants, "Do it, do it!" She says, "It's so weird." Harrison asks what? She says, "That we're on TV." He throws it to commercial and the audience laughs. But she was dead right.

Harrison broached the subject of whether or not she was an actress hired by the show and he says Meryl Streep couldn't have pulled that off. I'd never thought that before but after this segment, I can totally see how she's a plant. And all season she's reminded me of someone I can't put my finger on. An actress. Anyway, I'm sure it'll all come out in good time.

Now it's Playboy Jade's turn. Harrison calls it an "x-rated secret." Hyperbole much? She sure is cute, though. And naturally so. Better without makeup than with. She's maybe my favourite and one I'd love to be the next Bachelorette even if it'll never happen. But I'm sure she's a lock for Bachelor in Paradise. And maybe a feature Playboy spread now that she's got some fame.

I can't believe she's this broken up about the Farmer. It just doesn't add up. Then again, I can't believe any of them are. How does this guy warrant all the wailing and gnashing of teeth? I'm flummoxed.

Jade says she had a very strong connection with Chris, but wisely avoids saying she was falling in love with him because nobody would believe it. She was crushed after reading his blog when he said he was concerned about her family saying she was wilder than the shy girl she portrayed on the show. Because, um, well... not sure why.

Next the fun-loving Vancouver Girl. She's a fan favourite but I haven't really warmed to her. We see her intro to Chris where she tells him he can "plow the fuck out of my field any day." She says she masks emotions with humour. Hope she does that on the sofa with Chris. Enough with all this overwrought emoting.

VG tells Harrison she thinks about that last rose ceremony "every single day." EVERY SINGLE DAY! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! She says she was the most confident she'd ever been at a ceremony, and then she was sent home, blindsided. She says she was in love. IN LOVE! I DON'T GET IT! Everything about it breaks her heart, she says, and she's never been more nervous in her life than in anticipating Chris' appearance.

Now the man of the hour himself. Or two hours. He doesn't look good. A bit haggard, it looks to me. Britt starts and asks if she can join him on the stage. Now is everyone going to do that? Is this the start of a new tradition? She and Chris hug. Carly rolls her eyes. Boy, that's a long, quiet hug. She starts by telling him she understands why he did what he did. She says Carly duped her, too, so it's understandable if she duped him. Passive-aggressive points to Britt. Carly almost breaks down at that little composed dig. Chris tells Britt his decision had nothing to do with Carly and she says that makes her feel better, for some strange reason.

Vancouver Girl stays in her seat and tells Chris she had zero reason to believe she was done and she wants answers. He says there's no explanation, that he was falling in love with three women. He says he was throwing darts in the dark. Vancouver Girl looks skeptical. She asks why she didn't get the courtesy to be pulled aside earlier the way Andi pulled Chris aside to save him the humiliation. He says it's his first time being the Bachelor. He apologizes and says in hindsight it would have been the right thing to do. I don't know. I mean, of course it's the right thing to do. On the other hand, there's a show with a big part of it being a rose ceremony. If you let some take the easy way out, you're automatically "disrespecting" everyone else who has to leave the old-fashioned way. Either make the rose ceremony mandatory, or do away with it altogether. Can't have it both ways.

Chris tells Vancouver Girl he did the best he could in that moment. She looks a little more accepting. Vulnerability always works. And if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Jade's turn. She, too, asks to come to the stage because she doesn't want to talk at him, she wants to talk to him. Semantics. See what the Dirty Hippy started? Jade cries when she brings up his blog, where he said it was disturbing to hear her family calling her a wild mustang. She also didn't like how he described watching her naked videos and photos as "awkward." He stands by his claim that it was awkward. Nothing as awkward as that whole interaction, though.

Bloopers time. Let's see if there's a single laugh... One chuckle with the dolphin after a montage of Chris' laugh. So yeah, okay, it was the funniest bloopers in Bachelor history.

Harrison announces he has written a romance novel. Or at least a ghost writer has and he's attached his name to it. Oh joy. I can't wait to not read it.

Next week, it's like nothing we've ever seen before! Will it be the Real Virgin or the Cartoon Character? Apparently Chris is torn. Nope, never seen anything like that before. He hints that he might not ask either of them. Did you notice Harrison didn't ask Chris if he was happy with his choice tonight? There was no mention. Maybe his haggard looks were because he's a broken man yet had to go out there and put his best face forward.

We will find out in due course. Seven days. Fourteen more sleeps.

Farmer Chris: Virgin fantasy

Hey, all. Thanks for the bountiful comments last week. I enjoy reading them as they pour in. But I should point out I took no issue with Anon2, other than good-natured ribbing right back at him. We shouldn't look down at him. After all, not everyone can be as eloquent and have as big a vocabulary as us and Kelsey.

You know how I retain next to nothing from week to week with this show, right? So when right off the bat this week Chris says Molly is beautiful, I was sitting there perplexed wondering which one Molly was. Then I realized he said Mali, not Molly. And then later in the show when the graphic came up, I realized it was neither. It was Bali. Chris has to take those marbles out of his mouth. (Note to self: Look up Bali on a map.)

Then we get the upcoming highlights. We see Chris at the rose ceremony asking Virgin Becca to speak to him for a moment. Then we see Vancouver Girl saying, "Oh, shoot" and see Chris returning alone. That can only mean one of two possible things: 1. He dumps her. 2. The complete opposite. You never know with those editors.

There's so much culture in Bali, Chris says marvelling. Then again, Cleveland looks pretty exotic next to Arlington.

Vancouver Girl gets the first date. She greets him with the FLW (Flying Leg Wrap). Then they walk around with baskets on their heads and take a stroll through the streets. He introduces VG to a local as his girlfriend. Have no idea what the lady said back to him. Where are the subtitles when you need them?

Creepy monkeys abound. One hisses at Chris. Chris and VG buy some mini bananas to feed the mangy creatures and they start attacking Chris and peeing on him. Not sure how the pee landed in Chris's armpits, though.

Then they sit and kiss in the forest. I mean Chris and VG, not the monkeys. Although I think I'd rather see monkeys kissing. Vancouver Girl tells Chris how much her family liked him and he giggles. Then they kiss some more. I don't think there's been a Bachelor I enjoy seeing kiss less.

At night, VG tells us she's definitely scared to tell Chris how she's feeling. They sit down at table and kiss again. She shakes from nerves. She says she has a guard up and is trying to think how to let it down. She has a fear of loss stemming from her last relationship. He tells her he's extremely excited about what they have going. Then more icky kissing.

Chris whips out a card. What's this all about?! I wonder what it might say. Oh, it turns out it's an invitation from Harrison to stay in the fantasy suite. What are the odds?! She reads it then answers, "I can't... imagine saying no to that." They agree it's exactly what they need. And kiss some more. She stops shaking and they get up and walk off to the fantasy suite. Gross.

Looking at Vancouver Girl's oddly placed tattoos on the backs of both arms made me think of some news I read last week. A Canadian PhD student has developed a cheap tattoo removal cream that doesn't burn the skin. Here's the news story, in case you missed it. This is for you, Kaitlyn.

Sitting on the bed in the fantasy suite, VG admits she's "completely falling in love" with the Farmer. I'm not buying it. She's totally cosmopolitan, not a farmer's wife. Chris kisses her again and stops to say he's falling in love with her, too. That I buy, but not vice versa.

He takes her into the bedroom and they sit and kiss some more. Then he pulls the blinds, thank God, which is TV code for dirty sex. She says she can see herself with Chris forever. Still not buying it.

Whitney next. He expresses concern after seeing her with sperm that she might not fit in on the farm, but if she doesn't fit, nobody would. She, too, greets him with the FLW. They board a big sail boat and set sail on the Indian Ocean. Chris says it's a beautiful place to fall in love. Who'da thunk it?

This is the first we've seen (or I've noticed) of Cartoon Whitney in short Daisy Duke cut-offs. It's a good look for her.

She talks about her sister, how she loves her but how sis irks her so. Says sis is a lawyer and so always expects the worst. Chris reassures her and they do some more disgusting kissing. Then they jump off the boat. She feels very confident she's going to marry him. And they kiss some more, which garners two thumbs up from the ship's captain and two thumbs down from me.

Even though she's got a helium voice, I get the sense she could be a very tough lady, indeed. Maybe it's the intense stare or the purposeful words or her drive. But I'd be more scared of her than the other two.

At night, Chris brings up his Arlington insecurities, telling her he spends most of his time just hanging out at home alone. He's sweating profusely. She tells him she has the career but she's not fully happy. She wants to be a wife and mom first. If she moves to Arlington, she just wants to have babies. No career. He says he can see her being a part of his life. She finally relaxes and smiles and they kiss some more. He gives her the much-anticipated card.

She's thought a lot about it and she thinks it would be great. She asks him what he thinks. He sweats some more and pretends that they need it, rather than the truth that he just wants to get it on. It looks like a different suite. He and VG must have trashed the other one. He pulls the blinds, indicating it's go time.

Next is the Virgin's turn. She still hasn't told Chris that she's waiting until marriage to have sex. What a letdown this is going to be for Chris. What a waste of a perfectly good fantasy suite.

He does know, however, that she's never been in love before. So let's hash this out. If he assumes she's had sex before, he must have thought it was without love.

They walk around and drink juice from coconuts, high-five kids, and talk to a village medium. The mystic tells them they're a very good couple. She asks if Chris will be a good dad one day. Yes, they will both be good parents. Chris asks what Becca's biggest weakness is. The guy says she's hard to control. In other words, it ain't happening tonight. But then she asks for advice on the night, and the swami says they should make love. Chris giggles and says, "I like this guy!" and pops a boner.

She says she'd be devastated if her virginity is a deal-breaker for Chris. They sit and kiss but thankfully the camera pulls back quickly. But then they stand in some rapids and kiss so we just can't escape it.

Now the big night. She tells the camera she's having very new feelings and it's only natural to want to have sex. But she's not going to say anything to him until the card comes. They have a stilted conversation, as all of Chris's conversations are. The question of Arlington arises again. She says she'd have to be really sure about him and them before she made that move. Honest but probably not helping her cause.

Chris tells her, like he told the other two, how he could see himself spending the rest of his life with her. They kiss. Her mouth is closed the whole time. As are her legs.

Now he gives her the card. Chris looks hopeful as she reads it. She stares at him and we go to commercial. But I'm not going to start a new paragraph because they can't control me! Now her answer: "I would love to spend time with you alone and have more time together. I think it's very important to spend that time and we need to be alone." Chris concurs and they kiss. The tension is building. Still no word from the Virgin about her virginity. They walk hand in hand to a third fantasy suite and toast falling in love. Now the big announcement comes. Why not wait until the cameras leave and tell him in private? (I know, I know. It was hypothetical.)

She tells him she has something very important to share with him. What's he thinking, I wonder? That she has an STD? She pauses for effect. "I am a virgin," she says. He sighs. Then nods. Then smiles. "I respect that in a lot of ways and I'd be lying if I said that... It surprises me. It says a lot about who you are. I'm more interested in figuring out how this would work." She said his response was perfect. She kisses him big time. This time they both pull the curtains. The camera peaks through to see more kissing. She hints that she might put out.

We see her walking alone the next glorious morning. Chris says the overnight date went great. She has everything a man could want, he says. But they woke up and had a serious conversation. Now there are questions. He says, "I have to consider sending either her or Kaitlyn or even Whitney home." Even Whitney? Sounds like Cartoon Whitney's a lock.

Becca sits on the white sands of a beach while Chris gets emotional, saying he wants all three to meet his family. Well, why not? I thought there are no rules this season? He can do what he wants.

Harrison pays him a visit. Chris says he's struggling to know what the right answer is. He could see himself spending the rest of his life with all three. He says it's excruciating. He feels pretty strong about one rose. That'd be the Cartoon, I'm sure. Harrison asks if it's safe to assume he's in love with her. Yes. Yes, it is. But Becca, the one who isn't ready to move to Arlington yet, is the big question mark.

The rose ceremony is at a sacred temple. Everyone's wearing traditional clothing. There are very strict rules, Chris is told. You can hold hands, but no kissing. Thank God. Best move of the season. Chris says he's ready, but there's still a half an hour left in the show. Something's up.

Becca says she's drained emotionally and hasn't slept. She may as well have had sex all night to feel that way.

Chris addresses the trio, telling them the decision he's about to make is nothing but excruciating. Then he heaves three heavy sighs and asks to speak to the Virgin. Never a good sign. They walk off hand in hand. Cartoon Girl tells us the Virgin told her she thought she was going home.

They sit on some steps and talk. Or at least as best as Chris can do. Thankfully Becca does most of the talking. She tells him she's crazy about him. They hint at their pillow talk. I guess the sticking point was Arlington. She says it's not something she's taken off the table completely. But it's a conversation they'd have to have if they go forward. He says he's never doubted their potential. He's talking about his difficult decision.

Vancouver Girl feels guilty about feeling happy about the possibility of the Virgin going home. But here they come, walking back in hand in hand. Vancouver Girl says, "Oh, shoot." Cartoon Girl looks like she's having a hard time concealing her inner rage. There's no shot of Chris walking alone. Those lying editors.

So it's gotta be Vancouver Girl going home. Cartoon Girl is completely caught off guard, but she's got nothing to worry about.

Chris apologizes to them for making them wait and gets on with the business of handing out roses. Here they come:

1. Cartoon Whitney
2. Virgin Becca

Vancouver Girl starts to walk away without saying her goodbyes, but Becca reaches out to her and VG doubles back. She's understandably upset but she was never a fit for the Farmer anyway. And besides, third place is a good position to launch one's Bachelorette career from. Although I must say after seeing the Dirty Hippy on Jimmy Kimmel recently, she's probably the frontrunner.

Chris tells VG he's so sorry and hugs her. She stands limp. She asks what happened? He says nothing happened. "Just certain things I don't even understand right now. This has been the most excruciating week of my entire life. I didn't have any idea this would be this hard." Then he stammers some more about it being excruciating. She looks everywhere but at Chris while he's yammering on. She finally lets go and cries in his chest. She said she didn't want to go in the van and "do this." Nothing to do with Chris dumping her. She just didn't want to have to do the post-dump recap talk to the camera in the car.

But in she gets like a trooper. The car takes off before her seatbelt is done up. She says it was the most humiliating moment of her whole life. "I'm really, really confused. That's how I'm feeling right now. It really blows my mind. The whole reason of putting my guard up was to deflect this feeling that I'm feeling right now." That feeling most likely lasted all the way to the airport before she realized she dodged a major bullet.

Chris takes a moment on some steps to reflect on his decision and we fade to black. The next time we'll see him is at the Women Tell All episode, which should be a doozy. Then the final when he proposes to the Cartoon character.

Farmer Chris: Sunday & Monday combined

Whose bright idea was this to put three hours of extra Bachelor on Sunday night this week? On a night when Saturday Night Live was doing a 40-year anniversary show? That's just plain irresponsible. As it happens, I wasn't able to watch either show in real time. I'll have to get to SNL later. First I have to get through my weekly commitment before the next instalment hits us again tonight.

First off, thanks again for the comments. Anonymous 2 had to look up 'credo' in the dictionary but I'm sure most of my readers don't consider that a "big" word. Advice to Anonymous 2: don't stop at the first definition you come across. If you were to search a better dictionary, you'd find: "a statement of the beliefs or aims that guide someone's actions." It's not always religious in nature. So to put it in context, I'm anti-credo with regards to making one's virginity anything but happenstance. No big announcements needed.

As for those cowboys who sang last week, I'm still not going to mention them. Regular readers know I will never give them the publicity they're looking for unless I happen to like them. Thankfully, most musical acts on this show truly suck so I can continue on in fake ignorance. I don't care how big or rich they are, they're nobodies in my world.

Finally to Anonymous 2, I wasn't judgey about the bare midriff the Sexy Fake Virgin sported. I quite liked it, as a matter of fact. I just thought it, coupled with her spackled face, probably didn't fit in on the farm. I didn't know it was back in style, but another commenter, Kelly, didn't know it either. so I'm not alone.

(Note to future commenters: I don't mind all the Anonymous's, but you know you can pick a user name without having to register if you like. Might make things easier.)

Okay, let's hear what Chris has to say in the ultra-needless "Chris Tells All" episode.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's not ultra-needless at all. Just heard it's a "very special edition." My bad.

We start off the "Chris Tells All" episode with Chris telling all about Kelsey the Komplainer. Only Chris isn't there. Not sure how the title works. Regardless, good Kelsey has shown up, finding it hard to believe that she was controversial. Cut to her saying she's "blessed with eloquence." Harrison asks her if she thinks she's smarter than the other girls. She pauses and tries to think up big words. The best she can do is "narcissistic" "flippant" and "condescending." Then tops it off with, "If somebody had expressed to me something that I said, I would have ameliorated it." I can just imagine Anonymous 2 turned off the TV at this point, thinking she was speaking in tongues.

Then she goes on to talk about her unfaked panic attack: "It was such an emotionally tumultuous day." She felt "flooded." You know, when "there are too many emotions amassing." She said she'd never had a panic attack before but as a medical health professional, she knows what they are. So presumably she knows enough that she could fake one. But she didn't, clearly, even if she did recover very quickly from it. The only way she could recover so quickly, she says, was to "focus on humour." Then she said, "I'm surprised I could pull it off so well and fake it. I certainly didn't feel okay." But she was talking about her recovery. Got that? She faked her recovery, not the panic attack. Nothing to see here. Move along, folks!

Onto the next topic in "Chris Tells All," Kelsey says that the Sexy Fake Virgin was nice to her all along so she had no idea there were "malintentions." (Good luck looking that one up, Anonymous 2!)

Great job of editing in this segment. Kelsey said that in her confrontation with SFV, she had to remind herself to just remain calm and remember that SFV "really is an incredible person." Cut to: Kelsey in the Badlands saying, "She needs to go home and play dress-up just like she has for the last 24 years. She's a Kardashian who didn't get to go on her princess date who has way too much make-up on." Cut back to Kelsey telling Harrison that she still respects SFV. And back to the Badlands with Kelsey saying, "She's here; I'm here" with her hands far apart horizontally, then corrects herself to the vertical hand positions, with SFV on the bottom. R-e-s-p-e-c-t!

Harrison asks if she wants to see the women again. She responds that she wants to give them the benefit of the doubt but is afraid it's going to become a "crucifixion." More like "cruci-fiction", am I right, people?!

Now the "Chris Tells All" portion of the "Chris Tells All" episode. He says it gets difficult watching the drama all over again. I guess that is one saving grace for us. We just have to watch it. He had to live it and watch it. Harrison asks him about the Badlands and ratting out SFV to Kelsey. Chris answers with refreshing honesty: "I clearly know less about women than I ever thought I knew." But doesn't otherwise explain himself.

There's a segment on Crazy Ashley. Harrison tells Chris about her wandering around backstage at the mansion, as it were, checking out craft services and the crew's trailers, looking for a betting ring on the girls. Harrison says, "I probably should have told you" and Chris says, yeah, a little help would have been nice. That underscores the very problem with the show's stated goals and reality. They're not really there to help someone find true love; they're there for drama. They keep secrets about the crazies. I supposed the truth always outs itself and most crazy contestants don't make it to the final (the exception being Jake's year), but meanwhile normal, solid contestants might be sent home ahead of the future crazies.

Then Harrison assures Chris that Crazy Ashley's audition tape was "incredibly normal." They show us clips of them and I have to say if those were "incredibly normal," either everyone is crazy or Harrison's perception is skewed from years on reality television.

Then they discussed all the highlights and lowlights of the season which served more as network time waster than anything else. Nothing of any import was uttered.

The next segment featured Chris telling all about Andi's fresh breakup, only without Chris again. In the most unsurprising news of the season, Andi and Josh didn't last. We saw them together when this season started but Josh always seemed not as into it as Andi. It always appeared to me that they just came from an argument in the limo to putting on a happy face for the cameras. That could just be projection on my part based on her famously short temper, though.

Harrison asks how she's doing and she can barely speak. This must be a fresh wound. Usually the breakups are all cheerful about how things just didn't work out and they're still good friends, blah blah blah. But this seems like they called it quits yesterday. What's she doing going on TV so soon? Maybe vying for another shot at The Bachelorette since there's no obvious frontrunner?

She says she and Josh had struggled "for a while." She is bawling. She says that after the premier of this season, they ran into couples that had formed after them yet had already planned weddings. That hit them (her) hard. "We had to actually ask ourselves, why are we not planning a wedding? Let's just be honest." I'm sure she was using the royal "we." Again, I may be way off here and going just from what she presented both with Juan Pablo and on her own season, but I betcha it was her starting in on Josh and he finally saying enough already. I'm sure the assistant D.A. would object saying that's nothing more than conjecture, your honour. Sustained.

Harrison asks if the breakup was mutual. She says it was "pretty mutual," which is code for "he dumped me." He then asks if she's still in love with Josh. She cries some more then the music swells up and they go to commercial. No answer. We return to her crying and she finally answers, "I'll always love him." She says she'd never experienced a love like that. He was her first true love and her first heartbreak. She admits they're not really talking anymore. "I think both of us get upset about each other's actions," she says. Again, not to pin this entirely on Andi, but we've seen her when she gets upset and starts judging and it ain't pretty. She says it's not a healthy relationship. She calls it the biggest failure of her life so far. Harrison consoles her saying it's not a failure on her. She also feels she disappointed people and she feels bad it didn't work out.

Harrison should have said, "It's okay," just to see her snap that it's not okay!

Harrison is proud of her for coming in and articulating what she's going through. But I wonder why she did it. What's the point of public grief at this point? Get it under control and in context, then make an appearance. Or not.

Okay, enough with "Andi Tells All About Her Breakup." We're on to the extra episode of The Bachelor.

Chris is down to seven women. Britt asks Chris about his 2-on-1 date with the Komplainer and Sexy Fake Virgin. He just says it was a "rough day" and he was "trying to handle it the best" he could. That's all.

At the cocktail party someone tells Chris "there hasn't been any progression" in their relationship, saying, "I don't feel like you really know me." I swear to God, I have no idea who this person is. I doubt Chris does, either.

Chris sighs heavily and says he's having a hard time. He says some relationships are moving quicker. And she leaves. Turns out it was Megan. Now she's going to have to fly all the way back to the United States.

Chris seems upset, as was Megan. This is what I was talking about with the producers not filling Chris in on the motivations of others. Maybe Megan and Chris would have made the best couple, maybe not. But she surely deserved to be there ahead of a couple others that are now in the final six, even if I didn't know who she was.

Chris tells Harrison he has strong feelings for all six. So Chris walks back in to tell the women that there won't be a rose ceremony after all. The announcement is met with almost the same glee as when Kelsey's bags were removed from the hotel.

The next exotic locale is Iowa. Wow, from New Mexico to South Dakota to Iowa. The show's on tough times. Even Bachelor Canada had more exotic locales than this season. When he announces they're going to Iowa, the women are ecstatic. That's probably the first time that's ever happened in the history of the Buckeye State.

Carly the Crooner was amazed to see trees with leaves that are changing colour because she had always thought Iowa was flat. Hmm. Let's just let that sink in for a moment...

Okay, I'm back. They're in Des Moines, which is French for Of The Moines, if my high school French still serves.

Britt found the date card. Jade gets the one-on-one to go to Chris's hometown. So off she goes to Arlington. We see the sign: "Arlington, where hills and prairie meet." It looks like it was done for art class in one of the area's elementary schools. I tried to find a Google image of it but there's nothing, probably because there's no internet in Arlington.

We see Chris talking to cows. The Playboy model is giving us a play-by-play from the SUV: "Saw a bunch of corn... Oh cows... Dirt road... Telephone pole... wild grass... Holy shit, this is happening."

She finally arrives, looking as cute as ever. We're getting lots of shots of her ample backside, which I'd never noticed before. She gets a tour of the house. I think it's nice. She thinks it has a "bachelor feel." Outside he tells her land is one of his passions. She tells us, "There aren't a lot of women who would want to live in the middle of Nowhere, Iowa, on a farm." That's what I've been saying for two seasons!

Chris takes her for a walk and introduces her to cows, suggesting they could name one Jade. Oh, Chris, you hopeless romantic! She nips that one in the bud immediately.

Next they hop on his hog and go for a ride through town. At the Lamont Feed Mill & Antiques shop, a sign reads, "Welcome Home Chris." They get off and stroll through downtown. What's the opposite of bustling? Whatever it is would still be overkill to describe this place. Almost every store is shut down. He tells Jade of the bar he used to hang out at. Points out the market that doesn't exist anymore. Shows where his dad goes for coffee, which turns out to be just some dude who gets up at 5 and brews coffee for the locals. Jade says it feels like a ghost town. But I think a ghost town would be more bustling than Arlington.

Jade is feeling a little overwhelmed. She says the place feels deserted. That is until he takes her to a high school football game in Starmont, which screams of big city in comparison. He seems to know everyone there. And his parents are there. Chris's mom asks her what she thinks of Starmont. Why would she do that? What a cruel question. Don't put her on the spot like that.

He then takes Jade for a tour of his old high school. He points out where he used to serve detention. She asks if he was a rebel. He said he was a little bit but did well in class. Jade says she was a "total rebel." We've known that all along, but this is news for Chris. You can tell she's testing him out for the big reveal tomorrow. Er, I mean tonight. Chris says he really wants to see her wild side. I bet he does.

He tells her she doesn't seem like much of a rebel. Jade says her parents wanted her to be this perfect person. Now we're starting to understand what led her to decision to pose nude. But I'm no Freud. What do I know?

She doesn't feel ready to tell him about her nude photos and video, though. They kiss in the hall before exiting to watch the end of the football game. The home team lost, if you're interested. They walk onto the field and the crowd chants, "Kiss Chris, kiss Chris!" She doesn't let the crowd down. She probably should have gone streaking across the field to set the stage for her announcement.

Next one-on-one was with Cartoon Whitney. They go to an art gallery in Des Moines. She's a little too excited about everything, isn't she? They look at a photo exhibit on love and set out to snap photos of themselves kissing in different settings around the city, or her "new home," as she calls it. No, Whitney, it's not. That'd be Arlington.

Back at the hotel, Jade tells the girls about her date and when it comes to the "Kiss Chris!" chant, Britt can't handle it. She breaks up. Maybe she thinks of her luscious lips as urine and she's already staked out her territory. Carly suggests they all take a road trip to Arlington to check it out all by themselves, I guess so they can hide the shock if Chris ever takes them there.

Back on the date with Whitney, they look over the photos they took and the Cartoon Girl is totally seeing herself not only with Chris, but in Iowa.

The four women on the lamb to Arlington drive past cows. One of them – a city mouse, no doubt – says, "I'm not blaming anyone but..." Vancouver Girl assures them the odor is coming from outside. Ah, the fresh air of Arlington!

They arrive in Arlington. Not quite as exciting as they had anticipated. And remember, they weren't expecting excitement. No sooner do they arrive than they find themselves outside of town again. They back up to "downtown" to get out. As Britt says, "a slow lap of Arlington takes about two minutes." And she probably means on all fours.

They find a local and ask him what people do in Arlington. He replies, "We go somewhere else to have fun." Turns out the guy, wearing the Call of Duty shirt, is the pastor of the church. Oh, America.

Back in Des Moines, Chris and Cartoon Whitney head into a bar restaurant. She feels like she totally fits in. As they're sitting there three guys walk up to them. Turns out they're three of Chris's best friends. They ask her some deep questions, such as the lingering one that won't go away: Are you up to living in this place? She answers in the affirmative. She has no hesitations. I'm sure the cattle could use a fertility nurses in Arlington.

Whitney "impressed the hell out of" Chris. That was big for him.

Back at the hotel, Britt tells Playmate Jade and the others that she doesn't see herself in Arlington. But that on the drive back, with the sun setting, she had a change of heart. She realized she wouldn't be kicking it on Main Street, but in the comfort of their home. Carly's having none of it. She says Britt is one of the fakest people she's met. I don't know. Based just on that, I can see Britt's side. Her story adds up.

Date card time. The Dirty Hippy, Carly the Crooner and Vancouver Girl are going on a group date. That means Becca the Real Virgin is the lone one out. I assume she'll get a one-on-one.

Whitney tells Chris about her family dynamic. She has no parents. No relationship with her father and her mom died. So she's looking for someone who has a great family with great parents. She can't wait to call someone mom and dad again.

He leads her out of the joint and he points out a picture they took of them kissing is now a mural on the side of the building. She was so over the moon, she took a whiff of helium and shouted, "No way! I don't even know what to say!" She wrapped her legs around him while onlookers crowded around. Chris can see the rest of his life with her and says, "No question she'd make me want to be a better man. No question." Front runner? I'd have to think so. His chipmunk laugh with her cartoon voice is a match made in heaven.

Playboy Jade tells the Crooner about her nude past. Carly bugs her eyes out at that nugget of information. Jade says she really wants to be the one to tell Chris because her dad found out from his coworkers and "that wasn't the best situation." She says sometimes she regrets posing nude. She's thinking it could ruin her relationship with Chris, especially if his parents learn about it, which, since it's on TV, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's going to happen. But he might to take her to the fantasy suite just to be sure.

The group date is at a skating rink. Chris had skated once in his life.  They grab some hockey sticks and take shots on goal. Chris is the first to fall.

After the skate, Britt takes Chris outside, which is no real surprise. They ran off on the last group date. I'm just surprised she could get away with it this time. She confesses to Chris that they went to Arlington. She tells him about her initial reservations but that she grew to really like it. She's very believable, even if Carly isn't buying it. If she's lying, she's a sociopath. That's my diagnosis. She's that good.

Now Carly is sitting with Chris. She takes the opportunity to say Britt is a filthy liar. Or words to that effect. She tells him to be careful. "I'm really freaked out for you," she says. Am I the only one who thinks Carly is overreacting to Britt? I mean, she may be a phoney, but Britt's story isn't inconsistent with Carly's story. She admitted to thinking she couldn't live there at first. She's probably the only honest one there in that regard.

Chris takes the Dirty Hippy aside to talk to her. She enthused about taking him to her hometown, playing up its smallness in an effort to relate. Chris said he liked that, then got down to business. He asks her what her first impression was when she got to his hometown. She doesn't really answer his question. So he asks if there was ever a "holy shit, there's no way" to her thinking. And she denies it! But she says there was definitely a shock factor. So she kind of admits it. She says you're not choosing the town, you're choosing the lifestyle, and the lifestyle is attractive to her. Based on the hour she spent there.

She also said something that would give me pause: "I like to reinvent myself and I've been so many different things throughout my life." Sounds like a woman who would run away from a marriage to try something new. 'Okay, gave the farm wife thing a shot. Now on to living in a commune.'

He tries a different tack, asking her how she sees herself with him. She says she wants to be a mom. Chris's face twitches. They kiss. Did he buy it? Who knows. Maybe he just wanted more luscious lip time.

Vancouver Girl gets the next alone time. She tells him she's a little frustrated. Chris tells her he feels really good about where they're at. Her vulnerability secures her the rose. Chris comes to get it and Britt looks sick. Chris says he feels like the luckiest man alive when he's with VG. Vancouver Girl crumbled after feeling nervous all day. It all melted away. With this rose, he now gets to meet her family. That means he's coming to my town! Or came whenever this was shot. Missed him.

Britt, meanwhile, is pissed, nodding like she's done. When Chris tells them all there's not much he can say to make it easier on any of them, she shakes her head and says, "No." Wowza. Just last week she was the one sneaking off with him to some godawful country show while the others sat and stewed. Now she's royally pissed at not getting the rose and can't hide it. She turns her head and won't even look at Chris. Carly takes the high road.

Sitting with Chris, VG and the Crooner, the Dirty Hippy says she's just confused and hurt. She's going on and on with the three of them, saying she doesn't want her husband to think of her as second fiddle, let alone third or fourth. Talk about entitled. This conversation in and of itself isn't so unusual. Happens all the time. But it is unusual to have it with the others sitting right there right after the rose was handed out. Chris wasn't happy seeing this side of her. Vancouver Girl and the Crooner look scared.

As soon as Chris leaves, the Dirty Hippy settles down a bit. But Carly's thrilled with Britt's outburst. Even if she goes home now, Carly feels she's done her duty. But she also feels Britt is gone. "There's no recovery," she says.

I'm guessing that's right since Britt's not on the upcoming highlights for hometown visits. Way to spoil your own product again, producers.

Which leads us to Monday. Here we go, with the longest blog post in Bachelor Blogger history:

Chris says it seems like things are falling apart with him and Britt. I guess that means no more free hugs.

But first, here's the one-on-one with Becca the Real Virgin. I forgot there was one more date. Becca tells Chris she's never been in love with anyone, despite her on-and-off relationship of four years. Wait a second, I thought she was a virgin. (He honoured her offer. She offered his honour. And all night long he was honour and offer...)

They go up to the roof to watch the sunset, the number one activity of Iowans. There's probably even a league.

Britt tells Jade, Whitney and Carly that she's packed her bags and is probably going to leave before the rose ceremony. Carly calls her on it, asking if there's anything Chris could say to change her mind. She says no. Then she upgrades it to a 1 percent chance he could change her mind.

Feeling unsupported, Britt leaves and bawls. Not only does she want Chris to talk her out of it, it seems she wanted the other women to talk her out of it. That wasn't happening.

Harrison enters to inform them there's no cocktail party, leaving Britt no chance to say goodbye and Jade no time to reveal all about her revealing Playboy shoot.

As Chris is talking to them in their line, Britt asks to speak with him for two seconds. Exactly like the others predicted. Britt starts off by apologizing about the other night. Then she asks if he wants to say anything to her. He says she put him in a tough position. Then he tells her that some others told him to question her honesty. He learned from last week not to rat the person out. But Britt figures it out pretty quickly and asks him if it was Carly. She says Carly has something against her.

Chris hems and haws and Britt keeps trying to interrupt him but he wins out. He's not having any of it. He walks her out. She turns to say thank you to him, then walks out the door and cries. Loudly enough for him and the others to hear. Carly is loving it. She says, "I don't feel bad for Britt at all. It's fun to watch her squirm." She's enjoying this a little too much.

Through her tears, Britt says Carly was her friend. "I really trusted Carly," she says crying. Then why did she automatically assume it was Carly who told Chris about her? Something is fishy.

Chris comes back to tell the others he just sent Britt home. He says he's not playing games. Now it's rose time. Remember, Vancouver Girl already has one. The others go to:

1. Cartoon Whitney
2. Real Virgin Becca
3. Playboy Jade

Carly the Crooner goes home. The rat always does. I wonder if she'll walk past Britt outside. Maybe they'll get into a fistfight.

So there's your hometown foursome. See you next week!

What? It's just starting? This is confusing with the rose ceremony at the beginning. I'm all discombobulated.

Chris starts his journey in Shreveport, Louisiana, to see Becca. She greets him in a playground with the jumping leg-wrap. She warns him about the alligators before heading out in a canoe. That can't be safe.

She's never brought a man home to her family. First time for everything, though. Her older sister is being an older sister, saying how weird it is to see Becca holding hands with him. She takes Chris aside and says, "Becca isn't an intimate person by any means. I guess she doesn't feel the urge or want to." Always nice to have supportive family behind you.

Then big sis brings up the fantasy suite to Becca. She calls Becca's sweet virginity a "sugar doughnut." Her mom tells Chris, "Don't break my daughter's heart." Or her hymen, for that matter.

When he leaves, they don't say goodbye. They head to the State Fair. It's closed but Chris has pull. They get a private Ferris Wheel ride and kiss all the way through it. Becca doesn't know what she's feeling but she thinks it might be love. Or maybe motion sickness.

In Chicago, Chris goes to meet Whitney and whoever it is she rounds up for him. The date she has planned is for them to go make a baby. Love a woman who takes control.

She takes him to her work. They dress in scrubs and look at sperm through a microscope. Romantic. But it gets better. They hand Chris a cup and a magazine. But he was punk'd! He won't have to jerk off in a room after all. He can save that for his own alone time.

First, though, is the family meeting. Whitney introduces Chris to her sister, brother-in-law, and grandmother. She has a bit of a tiff with her older sister. Seems to be a theme. Whitney doesn't want her sister to ruin any chance she might have with Chris if he asks her for her approval. The sister very rightly and rationally says she doesn't have to give a blessing, and Whitney can accept a proposal on her own. And the sister tells Chris basically that, that if Whitney is the one and only, then come to her then. But not as one of four. Perfectly reasonable.

Later Whitney tells Chris she bought a bottle of wine out of her price range a few years ago to share with the man she knew she was going to marry. And guess what? She wants to share it with Chris. I think she didn't understand her original intentions. Now I kinda hope he doesn't choose her just so she'll take her personal vows more seriously next time.

Next up Vancouver Girl's hometown of... Phoenix??? What the hell? Her parents are from Leduc, Alberta, but they winter in Phoenix. She welcomes Chris to "beautiful Canada!" I guess this is in line with the no-foreign-travel rule this season.

For some inexplicable reason, she takes him to a recording studio to write and record a rap song. I guess it's because it's not her hometown at all and she doesn't know what else to do. Chris is, to put it charitably, hopeless. Possibly the worst performance in a franchise filled with horrible performances.

Then he goes to meet Vancouver Girl's unconventional family: mom, step-dad, father, step-mother, and sister. Everyone gets along. Imagine that. She tells her mom that she hearts Chris. Mom says, "I can see that you heart him." Those words were really spoken. VG claims she can see a future with "this human" but I'm not buying it. At least not in Arlington.

Outside she shows Chris a huge neon sign that reads, "Kaitlyn [picture of a heart] Chris." So I guess she really does heart him.

Finally we head to Nebraska for Playboy Jade's big secret. Chris is saying Jade still has small town values despite living in LA. Little does he know.

This cloud hanging over her has ruined past relationships for her, she says. I'm sure it's aided some, though, too. At her house, Chris gives Jade a letter jacket from his high school. But all she can think about is her secret. She's hoping her family doesn't tell him before she gets to.

Chris is telling Jade's dad that it's hard to find someone with her values. The dad looks perplexed. He tells Chris Jade is too much for most of her boyfriends. Her brother tells Chris Jade might have a hard time adjusting to a town of 500 people. He calls her a "wild mustang" and "free spirit" and that she's trying to get a modelling career off the ground in LA. Chris hasn't seen the wild mustang side of her; just the quiet side.

She has a tender moment with her father who tells her he trusts her and tears up. He wants someone for his daughter who will let her be her. Jade tells him the process has changed her. This gives her the confidence to give Chris the big news. They check into a motel. At least that's what it looks like.

Chris tells Jade what her brother called her: A wild mustang. She's a bit surprised but doesn't dispute it, labelling herself a free spirit. Now comes the big reveal. She says it's hard for her because she's been judged on it, especially in relationships. She was experiencing a liberating time of her life when she moved to LA and tells Chris that she was approached by Playboy to pose. And she did. Chris looks partly mad, partly confused, partly aroused. She offers to show her some of the photos. He's thrilled now. Again with the hemming and hawing: "This is about you... Sure!"

She opens her laptop and finds them. Rather quickly. She shows him the ones that are less risque. Then comes the video. That's the one I led you to a while back. It's a doozy. Chris is speechless. Then again, he usually is. He takes a swig of his drink and says it doesn't make him think any different of her. He says it's not something that would affect their relationship. He kisses her. She feels unbelievably relieved. He's got fantasy suite on his mind. Free spirits are fun.

Chris says he was waiting to see her out of her shell, and he saw her out of her shell. Completely. Now he's thinking about conservative Iowa and how she would fit in, but says he'd stand behind her (so to speak) no matter what.

He looks around for that cup Whitney gave him and we cut to commercial.

Now they're back in Iowa. Dubuque, to be exact. Which means Of The Buque, I'm pretty sure. It's rose ceremony time. Three roses to hand out. One goes home. Who will it be? I'm going to guess Vancouver Girl doesn't make the cut. But it's not an easy prediction. Here they go:

1. Cartoon Whitney
2. Vancouver Girl (shows what I know)
3. Real Virgin Becca

Another relationship ruined by Playboy. Let that be a lesson, ladies. Jade's on the outs. I'm really surprised he didn't take  Jade to the fantasy suite to tame that wild mustang, just for the lifetime of memories it would give him after his TV marriage crumbles. I guess he's always got that video.

He walks Jade downstairs and they sit down. He says sorry, thinks she's an amazing person. He says it was just that things moved faster with the others and that's all there is to it. He says he doesn't know if he's making the right decision. She's been a gift to him. In ways she'll never know, I'm sure. She cries a bit, they hug, and he walks her out.

Jade cries in the limo, as one does. She says it really hurts. She didn't see it coming. She opened up as much as she could at the pace she could. She really did have feelings for him. Her heart's broken. But I'm sure she'll get over it.

Jade for Bachelorette! Jade for Bachelorette!

Chris says he could be making the biggest mistake of his entire life. I agree.

Next week Mali. I wonder what state that is in?