Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Men Tell All

Hey guys. I had company over on Monday night and I sure as hell wasn't going to cop to the fact I watch The Bachelorette. It's our dirty little secret. Let's keep it just between us. So I'm just getting to it today.

Was it a good episode? Let me find out right now. Hand me the remote, will ya?

I didn't realize there was a "national controversy surrounding" Kaitlyn. Chris Harrison just euphemistically offered the argument that by "exploring each relationship to the fullest," she's actually the most serious Bachelorette of all time. Or, conversely, it could be argued that she's the least serious, the one who wants to have a good time more than anything. The truth is most likely somewhere in the middle.

But I don't think it's a sexist double standard if people are criticizing her for sleeping around. Has there been a Bachelor who's done that? I can't remember (I can't remember from week to week what happens), but I'm sure he would be lambasted, too. He'd be called a sleazeball or a sex pig or something along those lines, I'm sure. I'm not saying either way is deserved, just to be clear.

Oh, here we go. Bachelor in Paradise is upon us, with a whole new cast of rejects you've hated from past seasons. This show should be called Douchebags in Paradise. And it'll be on twice a week because what else is there to do in the summer but sit in front of your TV?

The first victim is Run Ian Run, who is painted as a loner who sat in his room reading. Tissue Tanner tells him Princeton needs to teach a class in how not to be an asshole. Boom! Roasted! Corey gets booed when he suggests Ian was spot-on with his assessment of Kaitlyn; it was just his delivery that needed work. Aitch gets cheered when he pointedly asks Corey how many weeks he was there, implying he didn't get to know Kaitlyn well enough to reach any conclusion on her surface-levelness. While Corey explains himself – saying her decisions were in bad taste and disgraceful – Ian has been sitting silently. He raises his hand to speak, just like they taught him in Princeton.

He gets up, takes his jacket off, then walks to the stage and gets down on one knee. Harrison asks, "What are you doing?" Ian ignores him and continues with his rehearsed speech. He regrets the way he left and what he said. He says he's sorry. The things he said were not representative of who he is. He apologizes to America, too. Come on, what about Canada? Kaitlyn's Canadian! Screw you, Ian!

Several of the guys get up and hug him. Ian offers the apology as an example of his humility. But I see it as a big slap in the face to Canada!

Next up is Clint, that lightning rod for controversy. Corey is doing more talking tonight than he did in all his time on the show. Clint insists he's straight. JJ rushes to defend his good friend. He says the "villain" thing was all tongue in cheek. They'd talk for four or five hours together because they were "intellectually curious about each other." Their relationship wasn't surface level – "there was a lot of meat to that for me." The audience is in stitches.

Jonathan doesn't care about their friendship. He changes the subject to Nick. Hey, let's stick with Clint and JJ! Why is this also-ran dictating the topics? Jonathan's in the minority on the topic of whether Kaitlyn should have added Nick to the group. Everyone else thinks it was her prerogative. It's not a game show, as one of them said, it's her life. Harrison asks if Jonathan blames Nick or Kaitlyn. How about the producers? They're always fun to blame.

Hot seat time! First up is the loathsome JJ. As he sits up there trying to explain himself, the guys sit there suppressing laughter. Corey speaks up again. I don't remember this guy at all. He should let the famous guys speak. JJ is now blaming his sense of humour for any offence taken. He ribs people and wants to be ribbed back, but nobody got him. He regrets not being more sensitive. I regret him being on the show.

Next in the hot seat is Zed, the "mountain of a man." He's popular with the ladies judging from the hooting and hollering. Such sexists. I have no idea what he said because I couldn't stop staring at that thing under his nose. What was that? A mini-Hitler moustache? An insect crawling out of his nose? It was an otherwise dull segment so I'm sure I didn't miss anything.

Patchy is next looking a whole lot less patchy. Jared's shaved the parts of his face where hair doesn't thrive. Always a good move. He's still hopelessly in love with Kaitlyn by the sounds of it. But he is on the new season of Douchebags in Paradise so I'm sure he's not hurting that bad. As he says, he's moving on. Actually, Chris Harrison seems more concerned than Jared. And he tells him he's glad Jared got rid of the "spotty beard." And here I thought I had something to do with it. I thought my huge Twitter presence (39 followers strong!) brought him to his senses.

Now the sexist female crowd is going bonkers for the unlovable Aitch. (Maybe Clint is, too.) As Harrison says, it's like a construction site in reverse. He talked about the time Kaitlyn snuck into his and Shawn's room and hopped into Shawn's bed. Not as juicy as it sounds, though. The three of them just talked for hours and hours and she eventually told Shawn he was "the one" when Aitch was in the shower. And that was the beginning of the end. For Aitch and, come to think of it, pretty much everyone else.

Here's Kaitlyn now to explain herself. First they talk about the internet backlash she's received. It used to be the tabloids; now it's the internet. She says she got death threats. Harrison reads some tweets. Lots of words like "whore," "slut," "bitch" and "pathetic." I think Chris just liked reading those words. Not sure that was necessary, but maybe it was. She gets a standing ovation. At least I think it was for her, and not the tweets.

Internet comments (this space excepted) are often terrible. People feel safe being hateful dickwads sitting behind their computers. We've all read them. But I can only imagine how rotten and scary it feels to be the subject of those comments.

The Nick stuff was good because she was called on the carpet about her decision. All she could offer in rebuttal was that it was a hard decision and you try dating so many people at once on TV and not make any mistakes. Can't argue with that. It's a catch-all explanation.

Ryan the drunk finally gets to talk. Kaitlyn asks if he's "horned up." He says he is. He gets up and Donahue's it. He grabs a rose and gives it to her. All's good. Time for a drink.

She asks Clint why he didn't treat her the way he treated JJ. She makes a few gay jokes and Clint stares icily. He's having none of it.

Run Ian Run gets up again. Not a narcissist at all. He gets on his knees again and gives Kaitlyn a card. He gets a cramp so has to stand up. Man, he's really going all-out to prove he's Bachelor-worthy, isn't he? She hugs him but he's still got no chance. I hope they string him along, though.

Blooper time again. These are always fantastic... ly lame. And they don't disappoint this time, too, in their lameness. They're better than usual, though, I'll give them that.

And that's that. We didn't hear from the Healer at all. That was a bit of a disappointment. But I'll get over it.

One more week before the big reveal. Will it be Nick? Will it be Shawn? Who will she choose? Who should she choose? I don't have a clue. Or a rooting interest.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: And then there were two

So it's 8:15 and my wife says, "When do you want to start watching?" For a brief moment, I was wondering if she was referring to Boyhood, which we watched half of the other night. Then a sinking feeling came over me. It was/is Monday night. I had completely forgotten about it. And I'm so tired. But maybe this will energize me. Okay, let's get started.

Oh, but before I do, let me address a comment I got last week calling me out for calling Jared out for his acne. I was told it's no joking matter. Here's my defence: If the guy had a pock-marked face, I wouldn't have mentioned it. That is, if it seemed like a serious problem, I wouldn't have picked that low-hanging fruit. Jared had what we've all had – a few zits break out. We've made fun of ourselves in that situation. It's not like it's a condition he suffers from. My comments weren't directed at anyone who may suffer from acne.

Did I dig myself a deeper hole? Hope not. Now, on with the show.

When last we met, Shawn was confronting Nick about his intentions. He thinks Nick has other reasons for being here. Not clear on what they are, but the usual, I'm guessing: starting with fame. Nick brings up the Eskimo brothers thing. Nothing is resolved.

Kaitlyn's overnight with Nick is over so now it's her turn to have sex with Ben. She knows he's not a player type, so that means she's probably not interested. But she gets in a better mood around him.

They go horseback riding. It's Kaitlyn's first time on a horse. They stop to feed some tiny donkeys then continue on to a picnic near a castle. It looks miniature. Maybe the donkeys live there.

He tells her he's falling in love with her, then tells us he's fallen in love with her. They have dinner in the miniature 19th century castle. They fit. Inside doesn't look castle like, but then I've only ever been in the castle at Disneyland.

Aitch reveals it was his 26th birthday at some point during the season. Kaitlyn's 30th is coming up. She says age doesn't bother her.  No doubt. It never bothers the older person. He says he feels super-lucky every time he's with her, and hopes, no doubt, that he gets super-duper lucky later tonight.

And there it is. The fake card from a producer or minion props person pretending to be Chris Harrison. Aitch rambles on about nothing before finally agreeing to the "best sleepover ever." He's excited to be a couple, free from distractions. Kaitlyn pretends it's not about the sex, which is admirable. She just wants to have some alone time away from the cameras.

I wonder why she hasn't felt the need to tell Aitch about her tryst with Nick when she was dying to tell Shawn?

The next morning he tells her she wakes up looking nice. Kaitlyn said they had a lot of fun, intimating they slept for maybe half an hour. She didn't expect to fall in love with Benjamin Aitch, but that's the impression she's giving.

Next up is the intense and passionate Shawn. She's looking for his sense of humour, which is MIA (Missing in Action: The Search for Shawn's Sense of Humour, starring Chuck Norris). Kaitlyn gives him a bright pink golf shirt. That sparks things up. So off they go golfing, wearing the garish outfits. But not for long.

Shawn loves golf. He's turned on by watching her hit the ball right down the middle. He says that's wife material. But then she beats him. Or so she says. So she wants to play Truth or Dare. He says he's a dare kind of guy so without missing a beat she makes him streak naked through the golf course. He undresses and she says, "You'll get your own black box." Not sure if she meant the censor or what's in store for him on the overnight.

As he putts naked, she runs off with his clothes, cackling all the way. She says tonight Shawn needs to put his clothes on so they can have a serious conversation. Uh-huh. And then immediately take them off again, presumably.

At dinner, they looked comfortable and like a couple. But she ends the good times with questions about his gripe with Nick. She brings up the Eskimo brothers thing. He tells her Nick is a terrible person and manipulative, but didn't say anything about the charge. A good offence is the best defence they say. He tells her if she ends up with Nick, he won't lose any sleep over it. Maybe not the best strategy, but we'll see.

She still gives him the fantasy suite card. He reads it and neither one of them responded to it. They just said, "Let's go" and skedaddled out of there. They close the door, and it seemed like an obvious time for a commercial but next thing you know the birds were chirping and it was morning. He leaves her room not in the most loving of ways. We follow him out on the street and Nick is standing there, leaning against a building, all menacing-like. He's clearly been stalking them all night. Or was planted there by the producers.

Nick asks if Shawn has a few minutes. Shawn says, "Not really." Shawn says he doesn't want to talk to Nick at all. But they talk anyway. Inside.

Shawn tells him he spent all night going over Nick's allegations with Kaitlyn. He talks non-stop, not letting Nick get a word in. He must be pissed that he didn't get the sex everyone else got. What a waste of a fantasy suite. But Nick is playing the victim now, saying Shawn didn't have to tell him he spent the whole day and night with Kaitlyn. He says he didn't know that and didn't want to know that. Unless something was cut out in the editing, Shawn clearly said he spent the whole night answering Nick's allegations. Also, even if they did, um, cuddle the night away, Nick would eventually find out anyway when the show airs. And this from a guy who told the world Andi had sex with him in the fantasy suite. Hypocrite.

Kaitlyn tells Harrison she kept looking for things to go wrong this week, but nothing went wrong. She had a good week. Harrison plants the information that Shawn might be an ultra-jealous guy in any situation. From her comments, it seems like the best man there is on the outs: Ben Aitch. But that's good news for Bachelor fans because he's a natural for that. I mean, if Run Ian Run doesn't get it!

The last rose ceremony is upon us. Kaitlyn enters wearing a dress cut down to her naval. She says her heart is beating out of her chest. My wife says, "No, your boobs are beating out of your chest." Glad she said it. I wouldn't want to be considered sexist.

But she can't go on. She gets emotional and needs to take a few moments to collect herself. She's hated sending people home from the very first episode. Obviously she's going to hate it even more at this point. She returns to tell them how hard it is, yada yada yada. With that, the roses:

1. Nick
2. Shawn

As predicted. No doubt the producers told her they like the drama of the two guys who hate each other being the final two. And they want Ben Aitch to be the next Bachelor, as I'm sure the whole of Bachelor Nation does.

Kaitlyn walks Ben out. She tells him he's going to find the best woman in the world and it frustrates her that it's not her. But doesn't frustrate her all that much, obviously. Ben handles it well. On the drive away, he says, "I'll miss that girl. I'll miss her a lot." He wasn't expecting to be going home. He says he was definitely changed by Kaitlyn. He's a different person now. No tears from him. But it crushed Kaitlyn, she says.

She feels the hate between Shawn and Nick. And she's right in between them. But it's not like they have to hang out with each other. It's hometowns week. Or is it? I thought so, but I should know by now nothing this season has a precedent.

She comes back in from seeing off Ben, they toast with champagne then she walks out leaving Shawn and Nick to awkwardly finish their booze and stand around kicking sand, ignoring each other.

We're in Utah now where she's going to meet Shawn and Nick's families. Instead of hometown visits, they're bringing the families to her.

She meets Nick first in his skinny jeans and sneakers. They sit down and talk. He tells her that he's totally in love with her. That reassures her. They smooch. She knows she's on the right path. I throw up a little bit.

Nick's family sits quietly in a semi-circle in the hotel. They're upset for him because they don't want him to be broken-hearted again. One very young sister cries because of the mood in the room, that's how sombre it is. She has no feelings about it herself, being about ten years old, but everyone else is so morose, the kid senses something is wrong. And here comes Kaitlyn into that fun atmosphere.

In the conversation with Nick's sisters and brothers and mom, Kaitlyn conveniently doesn't mention how she knew Nick before the show started. I wonder what they would have made of that. I've always had the impression it was a bit of a minor celebrity crush on the guy she saw on TV.

Nick tells his concerned mom he's pretty confident. He's 99 percent sure she loves him. He tells her, "She's great at making out." What every mother wants to hear. She worries that the next time she sees him, he's either going to be on Cloud 9 or devastated. Okay, I understand not wanting your kid to be hurt. But that's life and love. The other option is to marry the first person you meet and live happily ever after. Failing that, there's always going to be heartbreak.

They leave his family and Kaitlyn invites Nick into her hotel room. Again. They kiss on the couch and he whispers, "I love you." She whispers back, "Promise?" It's looking like he's the mistake she's going to make.

Now it's Shawn's family's turn. He's eager to tell his future wife that he loves her. Kaitlyn is wearing lipstick for maybe the first time. Or at least it's the first time I've noticed.

Shawn tells his family that out of the 25 guys on the first night, he's the only one left. Then adds that another guy came a few weeks later and he's still around, too. I think he really wanted to remind Kaitlyn of that fact.

One older sister asks Kaitlyn how many serious relationships she's had. Kaitlyn answers two. She wisely doesn't mention the dozens of non-serious relationships. Shawn's dad is concerned it's moved so fast and it may just be a physical thing. Yet Nick's family had no such concern. Isn't it ironic?

He asks Shawn, "What the hell's going on? This is nuts." But ultimately he's a pushover. He's with Shawn 100 percent.

Now on their own, they kiss respectfully, unlike the full-on passionate kisses she shares with Nick. He gets something off his chest. He says he lied earlier when he said he was falling in love with her. The truth is he is in love with her and has been for a long time. Now they kiss and this looks hopeful for him. She looks happy and relaxed.

But she gets emotional back at her place. She was so happy to hear that Shawn loves her. Her emotions are so intense that she's confused. Good thing they're in Utah. She can just marry them both!

We won't find out who she chooses for another two weeks, though. Next week is the Men Tell All episode. Can wait to hear from all the guys I've forgotten already.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: It's sexy time! (again)

Hi all. Are we losing readers/viewers as the dog days of summer hit? Or is the show losing viewers because of Kaitlyn or the changes made every episode? Or is everyone still out there? Regardless, I'm still here sweating it out.

Previously on The Bachelorette: Nick makes Kaitlyn feel like a desired woman. Shawn questions everything whenever he sees her with another guy (and especially "that other guy"). The order changed, with Fantasy Suites coming before Hometowns now. Two are leaving this week. That's about it.

It's been draining for Kaitlyn. Hell, it's been draining for all of us.

Aitch gets the first date. This guy's a lock, I would think. Then again, she thought JJ was good-looking and funny, so what do I know?

On the dates this week, she's really looking at whether the guys are husband material. So she wants to show them all her many sides. She's not just bubbly Kaitlyn, she says.

She and Aitch take a row boat out on a lake. Aitch does all the rowing. He rows to a private island and they play hide and seek in some ancient stone structure. See, she's more than just a bubbly chick. She also likes children's games.

She tells him right off the bat he seems like husband material to her. They kiss lots. Tastes like husband material, too.

At night they head to a cozy place with a fireplace and whiskey. Aitch tells us he's falling in love with her, but he needs to tell her about his biggest fear. And that is that he loved his last girlfriend but since that ended, he feels he's unlovable. Makes as much sense as her fear of birds.

He's just fishing for reassurance is what he's doing. It works. They kiss some more.

This guy could play the next Superman, I'm thinking.

She asks Aitch his opinion on overnights. He tells her it doesn't have to be just physical. Or even physical at all. He said he'd like to talk all night. Then she wonders if he might be a virgin so she flat-out asks him. His answer: "Um..." Then he smiles and says, "No!" He says he's glad he comes off innocent, though. Then mentions talking all night again. They kiss some more, then she asks him to tell her about when he lost his virginity. Thankfully we don't get the answer. He kisses her to shut her up. This girl has one thing on her mind, doesn't she?

No rose on the line for the one-on-one.

Nick's confidence couldn't be higher, he tells us. He's going on a group date with his arch-rival Old Man Shawn and Moonshine Joe. One person will get a rose on this date, which guarantees some good old-fashioned fornicatin' in the Fantasy Suite!

Shawn gets the first alone time. She told him last week they needed to take a step back. Now he's ready to step forward. They sit on the grass and talk about their last encounter, which was the first time they didn't kiss. So they rectify that. He gets lip gloss on his moustache.

Kaitlyn, though, wants to tell him about the Nick sextuation. Just as she's about to reveal her deep, dark secret, Nick steps in. So off they go, leaving Shawn to show his lip gloss off to Joe.

Nick and Kaitlyn have a tender moment where he mumbles into his hand that he's falling for her.

Moonshine Joe tells Kaitlyn he's ready to get married. She's not buying it. So he shows her with his lips. She just sits there. She doesn't make eye contact, either. He tells her he's in love with her. She's flattered but clearly uncomfortable. She sits there looking down with an awkward smile on her face.

Back from the break and she's not looking as happy. They're on the same bench, but here comes the brutal honesty. She tells him they're not on the same page right now. Turns out, she's not even reading the same book. In fact, it's possible ol' Moonshine Joe doesn't even know how to read. He says, "What are you trying to say, Kaitlyn?" Good question. She can't imagine saying goodbye to him, she tells him. He keeps a stiff upper lip. Staring off into the distance, he says he's not upset with her at all. She asks if he can give her a hug and he says, "I guess." Love it!

He asks what to do now. She says he should do whatever he wants. He doesn't know. She says, "I just wanted to hug you and say goodbye." Then he mumbled something I couldn't catch on three or four rewinds. But I don't think it was pleasant.

Now it's just Shawn and Nick, making the rose option even more fun. But she tells them she doesn't feel like handing it out. She tells Nick she'll see him at the rose ceremony. She tells Shawn she needs more time with him tonight. They both take this as a notch in Shawn's belt, but really it's just so she can tell him she boned Nick.

Shawn's feeling great about this one-on-one time. Kaitlyn's feeling sick about having to open up to him. He looks hopefully in her eyes. Here goes! "I want to be honest with you and I know your biggest thing is trust. I haven't talked to anybody else about this... I don't want you to find out later." She brings up the one-on-one date with Nick. She says, euphemistically, it went too far. What? Second base? Nope, she goes one further and says, "We had sex." No mincing words there. Shawn turns red and sweats. He's silent. "Do you regret it?" he asks? "I felt guilt," she answered. He says he doesn't know what to think. He says, "I'm trying to figure out why you're telling me this right now." Another good question. He says he needs to take a minute to regroup and go to the bathroom. Presumably to barf.

He returns. He thanks her for telling him, but admits he's upset about it, especially because it involves a guy he has no respect for. But he's going to man-up and deal with it. He can't be mad because he wants her. He thinks she's worth it. But deep down, he feels sick to his stomach. Thus the barfing.

Shawn arrives back at the house. He doesn't talk to Nick and Patchy about what was said. It's between him and Kaitlyn. He just says he feels confident he'll get a rose.

Looks like Patchy is the odd man out this week. He isn't getting a date. I wonder if it had to do with his sudden outbreak of acne. They're going straight to the cocktail party. I guess I was confused because a) there's still an hour left in the show, and b) Patchy hadn't been on a date yet. But there are no rules or consistency this season. My internal clock is screwed up.

Shawn is saying he may not even accept the rose if offered.

Chris Harrison enters to tell the four fellas that Kaitlyn's mind is made up so there will be no cocktail party. Oh geez, can't we have some semblance of structure?! So off the handsome men go via hansom carriage to the rose ceremony.

And away we go! The roses go in order to:

1. Shawn.

But wait! She asks if he'll accept this rose and he says, "I need to talk to you." They walk off hand in hand. He says he did a lot of thinking last night. "I understand there are other connections and other relationships" but he doesn't understand why she asked him his opinion on Nick and told him (i.e. Shawn) he was the one. He doesn't get why she'd jeopardize their relationship. She says it was a mistake to tell him he was the one halfway through the process. She's here to explore other relationships. And by that she means lots and lots of sex. With one other guy. She loves Shawn's honesty and loves that he cares, but he needs to let her figure out things herself. She asks if she might be someone he can't trust. He says, "Uh." She says, "You have to trust me but I don't think you do."

So back to the roses. Will he accept? "Absolutely." Doesn't sound convincing, though.

1. Shawn (again)
2. Aitch
3. Nick

Sorry, Patchy, you're going home but enjoy these parting gifts: a year's supply of razors and Clearasil. He tells her she's a wonderful person and he's really glad he met her. He handles it like a gentleman.

She blubbers in his arms. He smiles and gets in the van. Sounds like it's got no muffler and it sputters away. His eyes are watery in the car. Okay, more than watery. He says he's going to miss her a lot.

So here we are at the overnights. But only half an hour left in the episode. Argh! My world is upside-down!

Nick gets the first Fantasy Suite date. Or first and second, if you want to be technical about it. And third total, if you're counting Andi, too.

They're in Dublin (or maybe Cork) and walk into a cathedral. They light some candles and he explains to her about the confessional. Good thing for him the priest wasn't on duty. He'd have a lot of esplainin' to do.

At a bar, they talk about her first kiss in grade 8 and him touching privates also in grade 8. It's an activity he hasn't given up. Some locals sit and talk with them and Kaitlyn can't understand them. Yet she could understand Moonshine Joe? They give the young couple some advice and it centres around trust. And something about craic, which is pronounced 'crack' but doesn't involve narcotics (necessarily) or butt cleavage.

Shawn is still brewing over "that other guy." He won't mention him by name.

That other guy tells Kaitlyn there's one guy he has no respect for. He alludes to the guy bragging about being "Eskimo brothers" with a famous country singer because they banged the same girl on the same night. Or something like that. Kaitlyn says, "Eww!" I immediately Googled the phrase:

Eskimo Brother

n. A male who has had sex with, and ejaculated inside of the same woman as a good friend. (not necessarily simultaneously)

I knew me and Jack were brothers for life, but when I found out he slept with Stacy we became Eskimo Brothers

I was confused as to the etymology of this phrase. How does that term find its way to that definition? Then I found this image, which explained it all:

Kaitlyn asks who he's talking about. Turns out it's Shawn, naturally. Not naturally because we expect that from Shawn; but naturally because Shawn is Nick's main competition. He adds he's worried about her. Nick's in full weasel mode.

Then lightning strikes. What does it mean?! It means that warm air met cold air and formed a thundercloud, then negative and positive charges grew.

Kaitlyn doesn't really care about the jabs each of them throws at the other. That's good. But since she lives in a glass house, she's careful with stones.

She gives Nick the Fantasy Suite card. It's the second one he's experienced. He tells her he wants to wake up to her. The suite is in a jail. Two futons on the floor. He's game. But turns out that was just a prank because the bubbly Kaitlyn's a prankster even when sex is on the line.

Now they're in their real suite. They drink and kiss then walk to the bedroom holding hands. They lie down and kiss some more. He squeezes her upper thigh. Then he gets up and closes the door. "Let's just get to it," he says.

In the light of day, they sit and eat bacon. Or ham. His problem with Ireland is with the bacon, he says, and that's because it's actually ham. Kaitlyn likes it but that's because she's Canadian, Nick says. Let's clear this up for our American readers. In the US, there's a thing called "Canadian bacon" that looks like ham. Let it be stated for the record that in Canada there is no such thing. At least, it's not called Canadian bacon. Our bacon is just like their bacon – long, thin strips of peeled pig. If it's ever ham-like, we call it ham. Or maybe back bacon. I'm not sure. I just know there's nothing called Canadian bacon.

He's shirtless. They're glowing. This is the first post-fantasy suite date we've seen. He gets dressed, kisses her, and takes the walk of shame back to his hotel.

Meanwhile, Shawn calls the front desk to find out Nick's room number. No hotel I've ever visted gives that kind of information out, but they apparently did. So he trudges over to Nick's place to get some things off his chest.

He sits down at Nick's and tells him he doesn't understand his reasons why he's here. He calls Nick manipulative, arrogant and cocky. He tells him he's an "asshole." They go on and on, but we're going to have to wait until next week to find out what happens because the producers like ending shows in the middle now.

Oh good lord, here's more on Britt and Brady. He's saying goodbye because he lives in Nashville and she lives in LA. Can we all just say goodbye to these little needless segments?