Bachelorette Kaitlyn: And then there were two

So it's 8:15 and my wife says, "When do you want to start watching?" For a brief moment, I was wondering if she was referring to Boyhood, which we watched half of the other night. Then a sinking feeling came over me. It was/is Monday night. I had completely forgotten about it. And I'm so tired. But maybe this will energize me. Okay, let's get started.

Oh, but before I do, let me address a comment I got last week calling me out for calling Jared out for his acne. I was told it's no joking matter. Here's my defence: If the guy had a pock-marked face, I wouldn't have mentioned it. That is, if it seemed like a serious problem, I wouldn't have picked that low-hanging fruit. Jared had what we've all had – a few zits break out. We've made fun of ourselves in that situation. It's not like it's a condition he suffers from. My comments weren't directed at anyone who may suffer from acne.

Did I dig myself a deeper hole? Hope not. Now, on with the show.

When last we met, Shawn was confronting Nick about his intentions. He thinks Nick has other reasons for being here. Not clear on what they are, but the usual, I'm guessing: starting with fame. Nick brings up the Eskimo brothers thing. Nothing is resolved.

Kaitlyn's overnight with Nick is over so now it's her turn to have sex with Ben. She knows he's not a player type, so that means she's probably not interested. But she gets in a better mood around him.

They go horseback riding. It's Kaitlyn's first time on a horse. They stop to feed some tiny donkeys then continue on to a picnic near a castle. It looks miniature. Maybe the donkeys live there.

He tells her he's falling in love with her, then tells us he's fallen in love with her. They have dinner in the miniature 19th century castle. They fit. Inside doesn't look castle like, but then I've only ever been in the castle at Disneyland.

Aitch reveals it was his 26th birthday at some point during the season. Kaitlyn's 30th is coming up. She says age doesn't bother her.  No doubt. It never bothers the older person. He says he feels super-lucky every time he's with her, and hopes, no doubt, that he gets super-duper lucky later tonight.

And there it is. The fake card from a producer or minion props person pretending to be Chris Harrison. Aitch rambles on about nothing before finally agreeing to the "best sleepover ever." He's excited to be a couple, free from distractions. Kaitlyn pretends it's not about the sex, which is admirable. She just wants to have some alone time away from the cameras.

I wonder why she hasn't felt the need to tell Aitch about her tryst with Nick when she was dying to tell Shawn?

The next morning he tells her she wakes up looking nice. Kaitlyn said they had a lot of fun, intimating they slept for maybe half an hour. She didn't expect to fall in love with Benjamin Aitch, but that's the impression she's giving.

Next up is the intense and passionate Shawn. She's looking for his sense of humour, which is MIA (Missing in Action: The Search for Shawn's Sense of Humour, starring Chuck Norris). Kaitlyn gives him a bright pink golf shirt. That sparks things up. So off they go golfing, wearing the garish outfits. But not for long.

Shawn loves golf. He's turned on by watching her hit the ball right down the middle. He says that's wife material. But then she beats him. Or so she says. So she wants to play Truth or Dare. He says he's a dare kind of guy so without missing a beat she makes him streak naked through the golf course. He undresses and she says, "You'll get your own black box." Not sure if she meant the censor or what's in store for him on the overnight.

As he putts naked, she runs off with his clothes, cackling all the way. She says tonight Shawn needs to put his clothes on so they can have a serious conversation. Uh-huh. And then immediately take them off again, presumably.

At dinner, they looked comfortable and like a couple. But she ends the good times with questions about his gripe with Nick. She brings up the Eskimo brothers thing. He tells her Nick is a terrible person and manipulative, but didn't say anything about the charge. A good offence is the best defence they say. He tells her if she ends up with Nick, he won't lose any sleep over it. Maybe not the best strategy, but we'll see.

She still gives him the fantasy suite card. He reads it and neither one of them responded to it. They just said, "Let's go" and skedaddled out of there. They close the door, and it seemed like an obvious time for a commercial but next thing you know the birds were chirping and it was morning. He leaves her room not in the most loving of ways. We follow him out on the street and Nick is standing there, leaning against a building, all menacing-like. He's clearly been stalking them all night. Or was planted there by the producers.

Nick asks if Shawn has a few minutes. Shawn says, "Not really." Shawn says he doesn't want to talk to Nick at all. But they talk anyway. Inside.

Shawn tells him he spent all night going over Nick's allegations with Kaitlyn. He talks non-stop, not letting Nick get a word in. He must be pissed that he didn't get the sex everyone else got. What a waste of a fantasy suite. But Nick is playing the victim now, saying Shawn didn't have to tell him he spent the whole day and night with Kaitlyn. He says he didn't know that and didn't want to know that. Unless something was cut out in the editing, Shawn clearly said he spent the whole night answering Nick's allegations. Also, even if they did, um, cuddle the night away, Nick would eventually find out anyway when the show airs. And this from a guy who told the world Andi had sex with him in the fantasy suite. Hypocrite.

Kaitlyn tells Harrison she kept looking for things to go wrong this week, but nothing went wrong. She had a good week. Harrison plants the information that Shawn might be an ultra-jealous guy in any situation. From her comments, it seems like the best man there is on the outs: Ben Aitch. But that's good news for Bachelor fans because he's a natural for that. I mean, if Run Ian Run doesn't get it!

The last rose ceremony is upon us. Kaitlyn enters wearing a dress cut down to her naval. She says her heart is beating out of her chest. My wife says, "No, your boobs are beating out of your chest." Glad she said it. I wouldn't want to be considered sexist.

But she can't go on. She gets emotional and needs to take a few moments to collect herself. She's hated sending people home from the very first episode. Obviously she's going to hate it even more at this point. She returns to tell them how hard it is, yada yada yada. With that, the roses:

1. Nick
2. Shawn

As predicted. No doubt the producers told her they like the drama of the two guys who hate each other being the final two. And they want Ben Aitch to be the next Bachelor, as I'm sure the whole of Bachelor Nation does.

Kaitlyn walks Ben out. She tells him he's going to find the best woman in the world and it frustrates her that it's not her. But doesn't frustrate her all that much, obviously. Ben handles it well. On the drive away, he says, "I'll miss that girl. I'll miss her a lot." He wasn't expecting to be going home. He says he was definitely changed by Kaitlyn. He's a different person now. No tears from him. But it crushed Kaitlyn, she says.

She feels the hate between Shawn and Nick. And she's right in between them. But it's not like they have to hang out with each other. It's hometowns week. Or is it? I thought so, but I should know by now nothing this season has a precedent.

She comes back in from seeing off Ben, they toast with champagne then she walks out leaving Shawn and Nick to awkwardly finish their booze and stand around kicking sand, ignoring each other.

We're in Utah now where she's going to meet Shawn and Nick's families. Instead of hometown visits, they're bringing the families to her.

She meets Nick first in his skinny jeans and sneakers. They sit down and talk. He tells her that he's totally in love with her. That reassures her. They smooch. She knows she's on the right path. I throw up a little bit.

Nick's family sits quietly in a semi-circle in the hotel. They're upset for him because they don't want him to be broken-hearted again. One very young sister cries because of the mood in the room, that's how sombre it is. She has no feelings about it herself, being about ten years old, but everyone else is so morose, the kid senses something is wrong. And here comes Kaitlyn into that fun atmosphere.

In the conversation with Nick's sisters and brothers and mom, Kaitlyn conveniently doesn't mention how she knew Nick before the show started. I wonder what they would have made of that. I've always had the impression it was a bit of a minor celebrity crush on the guy she saw on TV.

Nick tells his concerned mom he's pretty confident. He's 99 percent sure she loves him. He tells her, "She's great at making out." What every mother wants to hear. She worries that the next time she sees him, he's either going to be on Cloud 9 or devastated. Okay, I understand not wanting your kid to be hurt. But that's life and love. The other option is to marry the first person you meet and live happily ever after. Failing that, there's always going to be heartbreak.

They leave his family and Kaitlyn invites Nick into her hotel room. Again. They kiss on the couch and he whispers, "I love you." She whispers back, "Promise?" It's looking like he's the mistake she's going to make.

Now it's Shawn's family's turn. He's eager to tell his future wife that he loves her. Kaitlyn is wearing lipstick for maybe the first time. Or at least it's the first time I've noticed.

Shawn tells his family that out of the 25 guys on the first night, he's the only one left. Then adds that another guy came a few weeks later and he's still around, too. I think he really wanted to remind Kaitlyn of that fact.

One older sister asks Kaitlyn how many serious relationships she's had. Kaitlyn answers two. She wisely doesn't mention the dozens of non-serious relationships. Shawn's dad is concerned it's moved so fast and it may just be a physical thing. Yet Nick's family had no such concern. Isn't it ironic?

He asks Shawn, "What the hell's going on? This is nuts." But ultimately he's a pushover. He's with Shawn 100 percent.

Now on their own, they kiss respectfully, unlike the full-on passionate kisses she shares with Nick. He gets something off his chest. He says he lied earlier when he said he was falling in love with her. The truth is he is in love with her and has been for a long time. Now they kiss and this looks hopeful for him. She looks happy and relaxed.

But she gets emotional back at her place. She was so happy to hear that Shawn loves her. Her emotions are so intense that she's confused. Good thing they're in Utah. She can just marry them both!

We won't find out who she chooses for another two weeks, though. Next week is the Men Tell All episode. Can wait to hear from all the guys I've forgotten already.