Bachelorette JoJo: Two-in-one

Oh, good Lord. It's Sunday again. Guess what I forgot? That's not a good sign for our sometimes-favourite reality show. Or maybe it's just a sign of summertime. I doubt I'll be able to muster up the energy for Bachelor in Paradise week after trainwreck week.

Okay, let me peruse my notes on last week. There were two episodes which I'll condense into one post.

The show started with the resolution to the previous week. Remember? The guys were standing at the rose ceremony after JoJo told us she had to send Luke home. Then Luke asked to speak to her alone, where he told her he loved her (or words to that effect). Then they went back out and she didn't choose Luke. Ouch. The roses went in order to:

1. Jordan
2. Robby
3. Chase

Poor Luke. I guarantee you she will not find someone who's as good a skeet shooter as Luke. I wrote in my notes that I could see the producers picking him as the next Bachelor. I wouldn't hate the decision (especially if the alternative is Robby) but I think Chase would be better. Or even Jordan. Plus with Jordan, it would also help him get more famous than his brother.

She sits with Luke and cries after dumping him. She tells him how much she struggled and he stood up to leave in shock at how it all played out. "I just can't believe I squandered it away," he said, "I had no clue I wasn't saying it enough." He thought his kiss caused a look in her eye that said more than words can say, forgetting momentarily the function of words.

At the car he said, "You didn't want me anymore." She cried, "It's not that." Um, it's not? What is it then? He's dumbfounded. "I miss you already," he said, then apologized and got in the car. Inside the vehicle, he says he feels he got hit by a train. "I can't even process this right now. This is not supposed to happen."

With Luke out of the way, JoJo and the three single guys head to Thailand. Usually when single guys go to Thailand, it's for other reasons. And don't forget, this is the week of exotic (and erotic) overnight dates. I really hope they're in Phuket.

Her first date is with Robby, who, I would guess, is most comfortable in Thailand. In a downpour, Robby mentions a "dark cloud." It's official. There has never been rain in franchise history that has not been accompanied by someone uttering the lame metaphor.

Not much to report on the date. It's all just a preamble to the much anticipated overnight. But at dinner, Robby gave JoJo a letter before she gave him the overnight card. It was from his father. The only news is that he signed it "Dad" and not "Coach."

She feels confident in their relationship and excited about what their future would be like. She wants some alone time so she hands him the bogus note from Chris Harrison. Robby answers yes before even reading it. And why should he? The note hasn't changed in 30-odd seasons.

She tells Robby she has "strong feelings" for him. It really is inexplicable. The only plausible explanation is that she's forced to be around him so much in an artificial environment. In the real world, I would think they'd have zero chance of ever being a couple.

And then she says she feels ready to want to be intimate with Robby. There are just some things in life I'll never understand.

We see them first thing in the morning eating breakfast in bed. Her high heels are on the bedside table, for some unknown reason, presumably as a defence weapon to stab him in the eye in case he tried anything. But she says she can see waking up next to Robby for the rest of her life. And then this: "I am in love with Robby. That is so crazy." Yes. Yes, it most certainly is. She wants to tell him back that she loves him, but she can't. Even though they always tell us there are no rules, apparently there are. Then she kisses him goodbye. "See ya! I'm off to sleep with two other guys!"

Next is Jordan's turn. First they go on a long and challenging hike. Maybe she's trying to tire him out. Sitting in a temple (which looks suspiciously like outside) he asks her what her parents are like. I guess he never watched last season. She tells him her brothers are "great" and describes them as "guys' guys." She figured if he didn't see last season, he wouldn't have seen her overbearing brothers so she could start fresh.

She wonders if Jordan is too good to be true. That's what the fantasy suite is for. She'll find out soon enough.

He tells her he doesn't have or need a home base right now. She gets hung up on the "right now" part. She's worried he might get a phone call one day and take off. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She said, "That's what Ben said." Jordan can't win. But I think he will. She's questioning their relationship the most because she wants and needs to convince herself and she wants to hear his smooth and reassuring answers to make herself feel better.

He accepts Chris Harrison's generous offer to forego his own private room. JoJo says, "I can't wait." She says she loves Jordan. So that's two dudes she loves.

Waking up with him was "perfect." They kiss at the door and she thanks him for "everything."

Finally Chase gets his chance. He pulls up on a scooter that he just leaves behind as they walk off. I guess in Thailand, it's find a scooter, leave a scooter.

Chase is "extra playful" on the date, JoJo thought. I thought that was a good move. At least it sets him apart from the overly serious desperation of Robby and the earnestness of Jordan.

Between the day and night portion of their date, she was back alone at her place when Robby decided to pay a surprise visit. Bush league stuff. He missed her more than she could know. Robby, the sap, couldn't stop thinking of her, has never been more ready to get down on one knee. He's ready for a family, to be her husband. I was so hoping Chase showed up in the middle of it. Didn't happen though.

Back with Chase, he tells her he wants a future with her. She kisses him, but it seems a bit guiltily. She gives him the fake card from Chris Harrison and he replies, "Absolutely." She says wearily, "Good."

Inside, he tells her he's 100 percent in love with her. Again, silence. Again a guilty kiss. Then finally, "Thank you for telling me that," which is code for, "Oh shit." She excuses herself. Chase was probably sitting there thinking she's gone off to get the rose. But no, she was fretting about what to do. She sits and thinks alone outside. She said she didn't want to hurt him. And "I wanted to fall in love with him." Such hooey. If she really wanted to, she would have. I thought she should at least have given him the honour of the overnight.

She comes back inside and lowers the boom on him. She doesn't know if she's in the same place as him and doesn't know if spending the night together would change things. He replies tersely, "I get the point." She says, "Talk to me." So he rightfully lays into her: "Talk to you? I just threw myself out there. I just jumped over a hurdle that I've never done before and now I'm skewered. Now I'm shattered. I mean, what do you want me to say? Now 100 percent of me may regret saying that. So now 'love' equals 'get the fuck out'? That was so fucking terrifying for me to say. Now look where I end up." She starts in with, "I thought that tonight...." He interrupts with, "You didn't give it a chance."

He asks her what was missing. She said she didn't know that in a week from now she'd be able to say 'I love you' back to him. She's just trying to be fair to him. "I'm trying to not let what happened to me, happen to you, blindsiding you or not being fair and not being honest." He says, "You kinda just did all that."

She's left with nothing else but to bring out the big guns: the tears. "I'm sick to my stomach and I care so much about you that I wanted to fall in love with you. You have done everything right. You have made me feel unbelievable from the start." Blah, blah, blah.

He gets up. She sobs, "I didn't mean to do this." Really? What exactly did she mean? She asks him why he's walking away. "How could I not?" She chases after him. She can't have him walk away thinking this was something she meant to do. He asks, "How can it not?" He couldn't understand why he'd throw himself out there only to be immediately sent home. JoJo went with her old standby: "I don't know how to do this!"

Chase grabs a can of beer and heads to a big van that will (presumably) drive him to the airport. He has the line of the season as he gets in the van. Maybe the line of any season: "Oh, is this my fantasy suite?" Inside, he says, "That sucked. I get a fantasy suite card and then I get sent home. That's like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts." He says he regrets telling her he loves her. He's embarrassed and heart-broken.

At the rose ceremony, there are only two men, both former athletes/current nothings. Or at least nothing we've been told about.

JoJo tells them she sent Chase home. Cue Chase. He makes a dramatic entrance. So much for contestants getting sent immediately home. This was one or two days later and he was still hanging around.

Chase asks to speak to JoJo. He takes her by the hand and sits her down, telling her he cares too much to let a relationship end the way it did. He was in shock so couldn't say the things he wanted to say. He resorted to anger and putting walls up. So he showed up at the rose ceremony to tell her he's proud of her, impressed with her, admires her, thinks she's amazing, is not mad at her, and not asking for a second chance. Basically, what he's saying is that if things don't work out with one of the ex-jocks, he'll take her back.

Then he walks off, chased by a monkey.

The roses went in order to:

1. Jordan
2. Robby, with sweat-stained armpits

They celebrate with champagne. Robby is zoned in and beaming. Jordan, in his skinny pants, isn't sure what to make of things.

Oh, and apparently it'll be a "shocking conclusion" on Monday.

Then there was The Men Tell All episode. It starts off with all sorts of behind-the-scenes stuff, with a floor director yelling, the guys backstage, a limo pulling up, and Bad Chad walking to his private trailer. He probably negotiated that. He needs to set himself apart.

Harrison said it was the most anticipated reunion show ever. I didn't even think about it until they reminded us last week.

I get all confused about the timeline. We saw a clip of Erectile Evan and Bad Chad on the upcoming Bachelor in Paradise. It looked like Chad hit Evan. Now, obviously since we're seeing highlights, this was filmed before The Men Tell All. Yet Chad and Evan are there and nothing was mentioned. They even interacted.

Also, Bad Chad was Bad Chad on The Men Tell All. And Bad Chad was/will be Bad Chad on Bachelor in Paradise. He's hitting people and threatening people and the producers are complicit. He's being rewarded for his behaviour every step of the way, so why would he change?

In introducing all the guys, they saved Luke for last. Clearly the producers want him for the next season of The Bachelor. But Chase, who was introduced second-to-last, got the biggest cheers. But he's not a veteran and a man's man with an aw-shucks humility. Chase is just a normal good guy.

Chad, incidentally, was not introduced along with the others. They need to build up his big entrance. When did Vince McMahon take over this series?

The fellas start off going against Wee Alex. They say he just likes confrontation. Poor little guy.

But they move quickly to Bad Chad. Erectile Evan likened him to Donald Trump, saying one's as real as the other. Nice analogy.

Everyone please stay in your seats! Chad is coming! We watch him, dressed in black, exiting his trailer followed by security. I'm pretty sure the security is there to protect everyone from Chad, not vice versa. And Chad whistles as he walks, just as he's been directed to by Vince McMahon. Either that or they just dubbed in his whistling from before.

Usually when a villain shows up on these shows, they're met with disgust, if not boos, from the studio audience. Bad Chad entered to cheers! Then again, so does Donald Trump.

We got the usual rationalizations from BC: Everyone hated him because he wasn't fake and was unwilling to play along. What do you do? You can't punch someone on camera! Poor big guy.

To back up his assertion that everyone there is a big phoney, he rattled off their occupations: model, singer, radio show host, media, etc. Wells, the deejay, counters by asking what, exactly, a luxury real estate guy does. Chad answers: "Don't make me talk about your girl, bro." Ah, that explains it.

It was his modus operandi all night. When Not James Taylor brought up a logical inconsistency Chad used, he responded with, "James, you might want to pump your brakes there, buddy. I got dirt on you, son." Well said.

Since he was booted off the show, he's dated both Robby's and Grant's ex-girlfriends. So you know he really, really wants to find love.

I can't keep up with all the back and forth.

They run the tape on the moment when Bad Chad ripped Evan's shirt. All season, Chad claimed that Evan tried to knock him down. All season, I thought that was a bogus claim. Turns out there's some truth to it. At least it looked like Evan shoved him a bit. But what was missed in this argument was that it still doesn't excuse what Chad did, although it explains it a bit. I never would have guessed that Evan had it in him to instigate. Also, there's no way Chad almost fell. He barely even budged.

Chad has the Freudian slip of the night. When it was suggested that he went after Robby and Grant's ex-girlfriends, he replied, "Wait, they didn't go after me!... I mean..."

Asked if he had any regrets, he surprised no one when he said he doesn't regret 99 percent of what happened. Why should he? He got offered Bachelor in Paradise and got to star in The Men Tell All. "Sometimes you choose apples when you should have chose pickles, you know what I mean?" Of course, we all know what he means.

Luke's turn in the hotseat. This oughta be dull.

Nailed it.

He says he's still in love with JoJo. Chris Harrison hints at Luke being the new Bachelor by saying, "It seems like you're ready to love again." Hmm...

Who else would like to go back to the time when strangers became the Bachelor and Bachelorette? If only because the way they've been doing it lately, it brings about contestants who do nothing but angle for the gig. If they knew this was their one chance on national TV, maybe they'd get more serious contestants. The only possible next step would be Bachelor in Paradise.

When JoJo entered to a standing ovation, Luke told her he just wants her to be happy and adds, "Thank you for allowing me to love you." Blech! The producers are salivating. Good guy. War hero. They've got the ad campaign all ready.


Chase thanked her, too. Then he asked if she didn't feel love, why did she give him the fantasy suite card? She said if they had spent the night together, it would have been so much harder for both of them. But that would have been true for whichever of Robby or Jordan she doesn't choose. It won't be easy for one of them.


Chad asks to speak. He started off well, wishing her luck, but then finished with the the jerkiest of jerky things he's said all jerk-filled season. He told her Robby broke up with his girlfriend days before filming in order to be on the show (remember, he dated Robby's ex), and that Jordan is a "liar and cheater" whose older brother won't even talk to him. Then to top it all off, he wished her well in her relationship "endeavours," pronouncing it with the stress on the last syllable so it sounds like "relationship in divorce." Classy through and through, especially with the added patented smirk.

She doesn't respond because "he's not worth my breath." That elicits a standing O from the guys.

The floor is opened up to anyone. Santa speaks but says nothing. Alex expresses his unhappiness at being unwanted. Derek gets her to back him up that he never asked for reassurance. And Vinny said he could have used a cocktail party since he didn't get a 1-on-1 in Uruguay. Then Barbra Streisand stood up in the audience to tell JoJo she made a big mistake in not choosing Vinny. "He's still single if anybody's ready!"

And we end with the always unhilarious blooper reel. This one was filled with insects and animals, including Luke's unicorn that licked JoJo's boobs and motorboated her.

To conclude, Harrison asked JoJo if she was happy with the decision she made, which we'll see on Monday. "No, Chris, I made a huge mistake." That's what I wish she would have said. She didn't, though.

Bachelorette JoJo: Hometown heroes

Whoops. A little late with this one. Thought I'd get at least something up before two more follow back-to-back. In my defence, we were away last week. I had to watch in a hotel room without the benefit of PVR, like a barbarian. But I jotted down some notes. Here they are for ya.

It was the hometown visits with Chase, Jordan, Robby, and Luke, in that order.

I missed Chase's hometown but it looked to be somewhere near the North Pole. There was snow, which really drives home just how long ago this was filmed. Chase is the product of a broken home, which is his excuse for why he's slow to open up. His home is so broken, his parents haven't spoken for years. Chase had to introduce JoJo to them separately.

He said his dad wasn't around much when he was growing up, yet oddly then said he got his big heart from his dad. But his dad seemed like a nice guy. Chase used the opportunity of a camera crew in their faces to ask his dad point blank why his marriage to Chase's mom didn't work out. He used the corporate ladder excuse. Exit dad.

Enter mom and the rest of the fam. The mom defended Chase to JoJo, again using the divorce as an excuse for his reticence with the L-word. The family likes excuses! Chase's sister, it turns out, is also loathe to use such a loaded word. It's like they're the only children who have been through such an ordeal.

At the car, Chase whispers, "I'm falling in love with you, JoJo." And she knows he means it because he's the child of divorce.

I came away with good feelings about the family. They seem great. Far too normal for JoJo's eccentric crew.

Jordan is from Chico, California, a place I, as a foreigner, have heard of. JoJo, US citizen, had never heard of it. She freaks out at seeing free-range deer running around. I guess they all get shot in Texas.

As with every single former jock in this history of The Bachelorette, he takes JoJo to his old high school. Jordan went to Pleasant Valley High, home of the Vikings. Should be home of the Monkees.

He has hugs for many of his old teachers, including his JV football coach. JV? This guy didn't make varsity? No wonder he was only on the BC Lions practice squad!

We also find out that charmer Jordan never had a high school sweetheart. But he makes up for lost time by kissing JoJo in the library.

Sitting in some stands, Jordan says he doesn't want his NFL-playing MVP brother Aaron to be part a topic of discussion when she visits his family. JoJo, on the other hand, it seems, wants nothing but. She'd talk about Aaron all day if someone would just go along with her.

We meet Jordan's other brother. If it's hard on the fringe-NFL player Jordan, can you imagine how hard it is on the brother who couldn't even make a practice roster? Ouch. JoJo brings up the topic she wasn't supposed to bring up: Aaron. She talks to the Other Brother about him. He's impressed that Jordan talked about him at all with JoJo. It must mean something. She tells OB she's "crazy about" Jordan.

Their dad tells JoJo he's noticed a skip in Jordan's step. He hadn't seen that before. JoJo managed to yet again bring up Aaron, only tactfully saying "his brother." Dad doesn't bite.

Jo and JoJo kiss outside. He tells her, "Don't ever doubt this." Probably should have added, "Don't read the tabloids."

Robby is from St. Augustine, Florida. I don't get the attraction she has for him at all, but she likes so many things about him. They tour the town by horse carriage.

She tells him he was the first guy she was emotionally connected to. Thank goodness she feels a bit conflicted now. She worries about his last relationship. He assures her it's very much a part of his past
and that's where it's going to stay.

They bring a ton of gifts to his family. We never get to see what they are. His dad greets them and tells JoJo to call him "Coach." I don't think I could do that. I'm guessing he's a swimming coach but they don't say.

JoJo asks Robby's mom about the ex-girlfriend. I think Robby's ex and Jordan's brother Aaron should get together.

Then she reveals something she hasn't shared with anyone else: she's falling in love with Robby. Ewww!

Mom tells Robby some bad news. Apparently his ex's roommate is telling the world that Robby broke up with his ex to go on the show. He starts to have a panic attack. His mom says, "Deep breaths."

Is Robby racist? He spoke of "chinks" and "nips". Not cool Robby. [This is my lesson on context for my American readers to use in their upcoming election. Yes, he used those words, but the context was non-racist: "chink in the armour" and "nip it in the bud."]

Robby tells JoJo what his mom just told him. He's sweating. I thought his mom should have been there with him because she knows the score. She could have provided an alibi. JoJo asked him if there's any truth to what the roommate was saying. Robby said there wasn't and then JoJo said, "Just be honest." What the hell? Where did that come from?

Robby said he'd never speak to his ex again. They had a blowup fight over Christmas and she slapped him. It's over and done with. Nobody slaps Robby.

He doesn't like JoJo being nervous because it puts him "at a disadvantage." Yeah, he's there for the right reasons, isn't he?!

They walk outside in a heavy rainfall. God is crying.

She meets Luke in Texas wearing cut-off shorts and cowboy boots. They hop in his pickup truck and drive down a dusty dirt road to a picnic to meet his mom, dad, sister, and the rest of the town.

They leave the barbecue and head off on horses for a "surprise." They ride to a haystack sofa where he tells her how good she looks in her cutoff shorts and cowboy boots and adds, "I hope that's how you felt, too." I think something was missed in the editing.

He says, "I want the future. I want us," and he kisses her. What's the surprise? Was that it? He's got to work on managing expectations.

Oh, here's the surprise: He wants her to know he's falling in love with her. He leads her down a path that leads to a giant heart and says, "I want you to know my heart is yours." Um, maybe that's Texan for "I'm falling in love with you"?

The rose ceremony is in an airport hangar. Robby shows up first. He's last on my scorecard. My personal order of preference is Chase, Jordan, Luke, and Robby.

Something fishy is going on (as usual). Before the rose ceremony, JoJo tells the camera that she needs to say goodbye to Luke. When in the history of this storied franchise has it been revealed beforehand? Never, is the answer.

She gets in front of them, grabs a rose, and pauses long enough for Luke to pipe up and ask to have a word with her. Yeah, totally plausible. Jordan turns to the others and says they had a whole day to talk to each other. Exactly. It's BS (pardon my acronym).

Luke tells JoJo that his heart is hers. He felt he also needed to tell her he's in love with her and didn't get to tell her. It's been on his mind. She squeezed his shoulder and said, "Thank you, I am glad you told me that."

Now she doesn't know what to do. She says it changes things, but is it enough? She's wondering who'll be the best life partner for her, the best husband. She squats down in her gown and bawls, torn at the decision she has to make.

And... to be continued. The producers love this garbage. We've had so many To Be Continueds in the past couple of season. They don't understand that we're going to watch regardless. Or not.

Tomorrow night we find out. Tuesday it's the Men Tell All. I'll be there with my PVR so I won't miss a thing.

Bachelorette JoJo: Weirdest. Episode. Ever.

Did everyone enjoy their two-week break? I sure did. As a Canadian, July 4th to me is the day after July 3rd. I don't even think of it unless I hear the date. So I tuned in dutifully at the anointed hour only to think I had dementia. The show was on but it seemed all too familiar. Finally figured out it was a repeat about 45 minutes in.

I exaggerate. Slightly.

But after two weeks, I was ready to get back to work. And it took me only about 45 minutes to figure out who everyone was again.

While in the lineup at the grocery store, I saw a magazine cover that all but said Jordan was a fraud. I didn't read it, but that's what everyone was saying last week. No signs of it this week at all. What do you think? Is Jordan more of a fraud than the rest? Or is Jordan the same as everyone else? Post your answer to the comments section.

Hometowns are right around the corner (next week). We know JoJo is going to want to meet Jordan's famous brother, so he's a shoe-in. Or so I thought until he told her doesn't have a relationship with his sibling. Whoops.

Chris Harrison enters for his two minutes of screen time to justify his free trip to Buenos Aires. He tells the fellas there would be three 1-on-1 dates but without roses. The 3-on-1 group date, however, would come with the flower. I figured everyone would want the group date this time for a 1 in 3 chance of guaranteeing a trip back home. Nope. They all pined for some alone time. Saps.

Wee Alex was the only one left who hasn't had a 1-on-1 so he was desperate. He got the first one. I wrote in my notes, "I hope he goes home." And you can tell right off the bat it's headed that way. They're taken on a long drive. To pass the time, they munch on Pringles in the back seat. Alex tries to kiss her with Pringle duck lips. She nips that in the bud.

Throughout their date, we're witness to the other five taking a bus to see some sights. For no reason at all. The bit with them goes absolutely nowhere, even as they're driven to a "sketchy" barbecue spot (where even a dog wouldn't touch the mystery meat) and to a polo club. Can you say filler? Can you say network TV time killer? Hey, that rhymes. Reminds me that they all were "rapping" on the bus ride as only five white guys can. The only thing worse was the cut to Wee Alex "freestyling" with a weak couplet.

Alex and JoJo finally arrive at a ranch, ending their awkward silent drive. They're told by the authentic gauchos that they'll never be gauchos because gauchos are born, not made. But they can make-believe! Luckily for all, the ranch had some little boy gaucho outfit for Wee Alex to wear. Another sign that JoJo had no romantic interest with Alex was her calling him a "cute little gaucho."

The next segment will go down in Bachelor/ette lore as perhaps the weirdest ever. A real gaucho got down and dirty with a horse. The horse "gives into him." What the actual hell? He gets the horse on its back, gets on top of it, and sweet talked it until it was lying down spent. JoJo and Alex are instructed to lie down and "spoon" with the majestic animal. And they comply! Then they kiss over top of the horizontal horse. Weirdest. Episode. Ever.

"Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life. It really is," says Alex, in a textbook moment of foreshadowing. But then they kiss and JoJo looks happy, so who knows? Then again, I think JoJo would be happy kissing anyone.

Alex gets ahead of himself, saying he'd love to "crack a cold one" with her brothers and watch some football. He clearly didn't watch last season. Then it all comes crumbling down. He needs her to know that he's falling in love with her. Gulp. She never expected him to say that, she says. And why should she? It was just the week before hometowns. Five other guys left. Tons of time left!

She tells him it was the best day she's had with him and he gets momentarily excited because he heard the words "best day" without the qualifier. It's also the only day she's had with him. Details, details. She tells him she doesn't feel as excited as she should feel given the situation. His arm drops off her neck as realization sets in. Then she feeds him the old line of letting him go now instead of keeping him around for another two days because she respects him so much. I think I'd feel more respected if she kept me around under the illusion that she's really thinking about who to send home, like it's a tough choice. Plus it's an extra couple of days in Argentina.

She walks him to the car and leans down to hug him goodbye. He can't look her in the eye – and not just because she towers over him. He mutters, "Take care," and gets in the vehicle. She cries, saying, "I don't know how to do this... I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

Jordan the alleged fraud gets the next 1-on-1 date. He's driven in a white stretch limo to an airfield where JoJo is waiting by a private jet that will whisk them away to Mendoza for a wine tasting and smushing. That's right, they take off their shoes and crush grapes with their bare feet just like Lucille Ball did. Note to self: Never drink Argentinian wine. That's just gross. And to make matters grosser, they dip wine glasses into the newly mushed grapes and scoop up some grape juice/toe jam concoction. Who else just threw up a bit?

At dinner, he reveals that his older brother is hilarious and that he has no relationship with the younger, famous NFL star brother, Aaron. JoJo dries right up.

He also says he "walked away from" football. That's code for being cut by three teams. He showed them! I just Googled him and found out he also played for my hometown BC Lions in the Canadian Football League. But further reading revealed he made the practice roster, then attended a mini camp before "abruptly" quitting. He told JoJo he could have kept playing but that football doesn't define him. Yes, I'm sure any team in the CFL would have loved to have had him on their practice roster.

But before she can absorb all this potentially disastrous information, he tells her, "I am so in love with you." She gazes into his eyes and says, "That makes me so happy." She grabs his chin and brings it next to her chin. They chin each other.

The group date is Chase, Robby and Not James Taylor. It's a kind of slumber party. It starts off with some greasy junk food. She shoves about 25 french fries into Not James Taylor's mouth and that's possibly more disgusting than the toe jam vino. They also play charades and Truth or Dare, where she dares Robby to strip down to his gaunch and run through the hotel hall knocking on doors. He throws in a mooning for good measure.

Not James Taylor keeps "joking" that Robby has a wandering eye for the Argentinian ladies. It may or may not be true, but NJT won't let up. JoJo doesn't like it if it's true. But I don't think it's going to matter one way or the other. The four of them lie on the bed watching the Brazilian version of The Bachelor. So Argentina, a Spanish-speaking country, gets Brazilian (Portuguese speaking) TV?

JoJo takes Robby outside, perhaps to test his wandering eye. They talk about his last relationship. He broke up a 3-year relationship just a few months ago. He says in three years he never saw her house and met her mother only once. He probably never saw her penis, either.

Chase and JoJo sit inside. He's serious but plays it cool. He's committed but not desperate. They kiss romantically.

Not James Taylor and JoJo also sit inside on a couch, only she sits farther away from him than she did with the others. They talk like friends. And not particularly close ones. He tells her he's "very much in the process of falling for" her. They kiss, but barely. Body language experts could have a field day with her.

My prediction was that Chase would get the rose. Wrong. It went to Robby because she wants to meet his family. Maybe so she can find out for sure if he really likes girls. Since Robby got the rose, he also got more alone time with JoJo. Not James Taylor and Chase took a van back to the hotel. James figures either him or Chase will be going home at the rose ceremony. He's not so dumb after all.

Luke gets the last 1-on-1. JoJo introduces him to Snowflake, a miniature horse. That was nice of her to have this date with Luke and not Alex. That would have been cold.

They go off riding full size horses. Luke knows what he's doing. He's like a horse whisperer, only he doesn't use his powers to bed horses like that other freak.

They ride to a shooting range to do some skeet shooting, and Luke is a natural there, too. They kiss on a haystack. But the date is shorter than the other two. No night time portion. The rose ceremony is that night. No cocktail party, though, because she knows what she's gonna do. She's going to send Not James Taylor home because, presumably, she doesn't respect him as much as Wee Alex.

Robby was the only one with a rose. The other roses went in order to:

1. Luke
2. Jordan
3. Chase

Goodbye Not James Taylor. Good luck with your record contract. She walks him out and cries. She says he touched her heart and made her a better person. I'm surprised it took me this long but I suddenly realize that if they made a movie of this season, Not James Taylor would be played by John C. Reilly.

He thanks her for being so sweet to him. It's all very positive through the tears. Mind you, she's not crying because she thinks it may be the wrong decision or she was anywhere near close to choosing him. She's crying because she feels sorry for him.

Next week: The hometowns! Let's see who has the biggest train wreck family. In the highlights, we see JoJo breaking down in a blue gown saying her heart is broken. We're led to believe this has something to do with Robby but surely she has more sense than that. We'll see.