Bachelorette Canada: Good for business

Hi all. Did you enjoy last week's episode? Bachelorette Canada is growing on me, I gotta admit. I don't have a sense that it'll produce a lasting relationship, but whatevs.

The cast and crew were in Morocco. Very exotic. I don't believe we've ever seen that kind of location in the American version. I'd like to, though.

Jasmine started the episode off walking around Marrakesh in sexy, short white shorts. Even though they were in Morocco, there was no camel toe. I thought maybe her shorts would be problematic in a largely Muslim country, but later on she and Ben Wha–? were treated to a local belly dancer who put that concern to bed. I guess it's a fairly liberal country.

There are seven dudes left so we're getting down to the wire. Not sure when the big ending is but it's gotta be any week now.

Noah (the host) entered and it didn't help that he was sporting new facial hair. We already don't recognize him. Why the need to go even more incognito than he already is?

The first date is a one-on-one with Ben Wha–? Exactly: Wha–? She seems to really like him. But not in any serious sexual relationship way. Just amused by his goofy antics. Like a BFF. She just loves hanging out with him. He makes her laugh, for some unexplainable reason. "He's just such a little French firecracker," she said. But he may not be aware of his status. As he said, "Tings are getting real right now."

She wants to go deeper with Ben Wha–? Enough with the jokes and probing tongue. So he offered some platitudes on wanting a family and that seemed to do the trick. She likes how "honest and real" he is. She gave him the rose and said she could see a future with him. Presumably that involves lots of shopping and going for coffee.

The next date was the dreaded two-on-one with one person at least guaranteed to go home. She chose two relatively nice, sweet fellas: 8-Pack Mike and Sexual Tongue Thomas. The homebody versus the nomad. The body versus the face, said Captain Canada.

They ride camels into the desolate desert. None of them wore a hat. That doesn't seem sensible.

In all that expanse, when she took Thomas aside, they couldn't find a private place. They sat in full view of Mike as they discussed their relationship. Mike admitted his life is "very unstructured." She told him it was a "difficult place to start a relationship."

Then she sat with Mike, in full view of Thomas. Mike told her about his greatest regret. When he was eight, his mother was sick in the hospital. He was invited to a birthday party and decided not to visit his mom that day. And she passed away that night. He vowed never to be that selfish again.

Rose time. She walked back to Thomas and told him she thought he was an amazing person. That's never a good sign. She admires so much about him, she sniffled. She wants his lifestyle eventually but, again, it would be hard to begin a relationship that way, she said. But haven't they already begun their relationship?

He took the hint, hugged her and said he wished her happiness and loved every minute of his experience. He dodged a bullet. He was in serious jeopardy of settling down.

She went over to Mike and told him she could see a future with him. She said he's more regimented than her but that's not a bad thing. Sometimes couples need a balance, she said. So she gave him the rose. She admitted she still has concerns about him but she's looking at long-term potential rather than just feelings of the moment. That's a Bachelor/ette first!

Cocky Drew knew Mike would be chosen because he feels Mike is more similar to himself. And this was just the beginning of his public unravelling. I have to quote the whole passage of what he said because it's just so ridiculously juicy:

"I'm still a businessman, you know what I mean? It's still respectful to be a prick? The more interesting of a man that I am, the better my career. If I do this show, I don't even have to sell anything. Like, after this, I literally just walk into a room at a conference cocktail party – like I do anyways; I'm a good-looking guy, I do it anyways. I walk in and like, 'Who's that guy?' You know, I just walk around and work the room. With this, I just walk in a room and people will be like, 'There's that guy!' and they'll talk about it, right? Like, they know my name and who I am as opposed to 'Let's find out who that guy is over there.' So it's good for me. It's good for my business."

And that, my friends, is the textbook definition of "not there for the right reasons." He wasn't finished, though. He also said:

"I'd love to do some mid- to low-level acting. Seriously. I seriously would. I think it would be awesome."

I love how he doesn't set his sights too high! Just mid- to low-level.

And this:

"You need to be a bit of a confident prick. As long as I don't look like a complete ass on TV."

Ooh, too late, buddy!

The group date is Cocky Drew, Captain Canada (Kevin W), Nipple Ring (Mikhel), and Rob Schneider (Kevin P). They went on a stroll through the market when it started to pour. Good thing they all wore their flood pants.

They visit a Moroccan tea house where they learn to make mint tea. The key: tons of sugar and try to pour it from a stepladder.

Captain Canada takes every opportunity to say how much he detests group dates. Poor bunny. He feels like Jasmine is his girlfriend.

She has a real (or seemingly so) connection with Nipple Ring, who continues to be nervous around her but is very sweet and genuine (or seemingly so). He told her she's one of the most genuinely beautiful people and that melted her.

She talked with Schneider about his guardedness, but she doesn't take it as a negative. She's wise. She knows he just takes his time getting to know people before getting physical.

Her conversation with Cocky Drew didn't go as well. He was on auto-pilot, just talking about himself. She called him on it and asked what he wanted to know about her. That stumped him.

Captain Canada was brooding and intense. He said he was homesick and missing real life. She was the only reason he was still there.

The rose goes to Nipple Ring, much to the consternation of the jealous Captain Canada. He considered it a "slap in the face." Cocky Drew thought it was a "participation rose" for being "most improved."

At the cocktail party, Jasmine has a healthy portion of white wine. She needed it with Drew going on and on about his life story. She felt like he was just acting. Low-level, though.

Jasmine and Rob Schneider finally kissed and it was a good one. He might be the sleeper in this contest. Cocky Drew and Captain Canada both witness the kiss so Captain Canada goes to move in. She called him "grouchy." He told her he wanted the rose. It got quite testy. She said, "How about you let me talk for one second? You can't just expect that I'm going to give you the rose and then have a hissy fit about it if I don't. If I connect with someone – and I feel like I have – then that's up to me." He responded that he's "so fucking embarrassed" and "jealous."

She makes a great point that I've never heard on any incarnation of this show: "You're not there during my conversations with other people and you may think you've opened up to me a bunch but other people have opened up a lot to me, too." And then just to twist the dagger, she added, "And some a lot more than you."

He got up and left, saying, "I'm done." I feel there must have been some more drama that was left on the editing room floor. The next thing we see is him saying he wants a rose at the rose ceremony.

Noah arrives shaved this time. It's rose time. Ben Wha–?, 8-Pack, and Nipple Ring are safe. Two more roses are handed out to:

1. Rob Schneider
2. Captain Canada

So Cocky Drew goes home. That's good for one more raised eyebrow and snicker. He tells a producer, "Is this a fucking joke? You're telling me this girl picked half of these guys over me? You walk me into the classiest joint in Toronto with any of these guys, who do you think gets the girl? It's bullshit. Mark my words, your ratings after this episode... done!" And on his way out muttered, "This girl's a fucking idiot."

To top it all off, the director asked him if he wanted to be the next Bachelor. His answer: "Yes." Too funny.

Next week is more Morocco.

The After Show featured Thomas along with Trista and Ryan. Ryan started out surly, making fun of Canadian accents and admitting he doesn't watch the show, but slowly warmed up. Maybe Trista or a producer reminded him that they paid his family's way to the city for a little vacay.

And Thomas was a delight. Will we get Cocky Drew this week? Hope so.

Bachelorette Canada: It's finger-sucking bad

Hey, you. It's me. How've you been? Great. Glad to hear it.

Last week while watching the show, our cable server went on the fritz. Most of the channels were all glitchy. Twitter told me we weren't the only ones. But what a world we live in! Through the wonders of modern technology, I finished watching a few days later online. What a time to be alive!

The gang was in Quebec City, or as the locals call it, Quebec. Jasmine had never been there before. She called it beautiful and romantic but stopped short at saying it was the perfect place to fall in love. Duly noted.

This episode was also brought to us from the good folks at Rotten Ronnie's. More blatant product placement with their (admittedly good) coffee. (Ah, who am I kidding? I also love their Egg McMuffins, cheeseburgers, fries, Big Macs, apple pies, smoothies...)

The one-on-one date went to 8-Pack Mike. How shallow is this woman? As soon as she sees his bare tummy, she gets all hot and bothered and takes him on a one-on-one. They take off in a helicopter. She says, "I'm really attracted to him." She means, of course, "to his abs."

Mike has been single for a couple of years, we learn. She tells his abs, "I just feel this building attraction with you." They kiss. Their chemistry is "off the charts." All this is happening on the helicopter and poor Mike has never been in one before. He's missing the tour!

It's rainy in Quebec City. See, it's not just Vancouver. Hey producers, why not shoot in the summer? You're making us look bad.

At dinner, they talk about where they might live. Mike is in Winnipeg, but as comedian Nikki Payne said on the After Show, he's a fireman – houses catch on fire everywhere. Great point. He doesn't need to stick around Winnipeg if he doesn't want to. Jasmine thinks Winnipeg is too cold, but on the other hand likes the idea of living closer to her hometown. So she gives him the rose and then they dance awkwardly alone in front of a chanteuse and guitarist.

The group date was with Nipple Ring, the Inventor, Rob Schneider, and Sexual Tongue (Mikhel, Chris, Kevin P, Thomas, for anyone just stumbling upon this blog for the first time). They're going to do lumberjack stuff wearing red plaid jackets. The Inventor says he doesn't have abs but he does have some hidden strength. Too bad. She only likes guys with abs.

The winner of the 'jack-off gets a mini date with her. She says she's looking for a strong man but not in a physical way, so what better competition than one that highlights brute strength? They will compete by carrying a log, chopping wood, and hammering nails.

Old Sexual Tongue, the International Model, was born and raised on a construction site, so he wins  with an overall time of 4 minutes 18 seconds. Nipple Ring is a close second, at 4:35. Schneider is 4:49 and the Inventor is 5:14. He needs to invent a time machine to go back and redo the challenge.

Oh, is anyone watching this new show I keep seeing commercials for? Ben & Laura? What the hell? I love their catch phrase: We survived The Bachelor; now it's time for real life. But make sure it's all filmed, just like in real life. Ben was one of my favourite Bachelors ever. I thought he had a good head on his shoulders. Turns out he's just a fame whore like all the rest of them.

Jasmine and Thomas ride off in a horse carriage under plaid blankets. She's attracted to his intensity, but she wants to connect with him in a lighter way. Always wanting what she's not getting. They head to a rustic cabin. He brags that he could build it with his eyes closed. He's not just a pretty face.

Jasmine gets to know both Thomas, the international model, and Tom, the wild party guy who dances till the music shuts off. Although there was no dancing and no music, including his bad singing into a wine bottle. He sounds like every boy band you ever heard. I mean, points for trying, and all, but maybe he should have waited until they were on a karaoke date.

She gives Sexual Tongue a rose and they cheers to getting weird and kiss.

The next group date is with Ben Wha?, Captain Canada, and Cocky Drew. Drew says he's not going to fight for Jasmine. He's obviously taking those texts with Chad to heart.

The date is to Siberia Spa, because when you think of relaxing spas to pamper yourself, you think of Siberia.

Jasmine's going to get a mani, a pedi, and a massage. And the fellas are going to give them to her. Only she'll be blindfolded and they are to remain silent.

Cocky Drew draws the massage. He undoes her bikini top and she says to be careful of the side boob. Then he straddles her. Silently.

Anyone can give a massage. But how the hell do you do a mani or pedi without training? Turns out you don't. You just give a hand or foot massage. Ben Wha? gives the hand massage and includes some finger sucking. Gross. She immediately knows it's him. He's still unwatchable.

Captain Canada does the foot massage. Lots of toe porn for the foot fetishists out there. She loves it. She can tell that the person doing it wants her. She feels giddy. I think she can see our the bottom of her blindfold. She nails all three.

Once it's over, Ben Wha? tells her about his family's chalet. She sees his serious side so he wastes no more time and goes in for the slobbery kiss. She laughs and pushes him away. Somewhere, Seth is wondering what he did wrong.

Drew tells her "exactly what she wants to hear." He tells her about a house he recently bought by the beach. Then before he goes in for his first kiss, he says, "I haven't tested these lips out." She just laughs at that because that's just the way he is, always a salesman. Yet somehow she feels attracted to him.

Capt. Canada doesn't ask for one-on-one time. He's a bit jealous so he just sits sulking in the hot tub. So he can't get the rose. And the always mugging Ben Wha? can't possibly get one. So Cocky Drew wins the rose by process of elimination. He gets even cockier.

At the cocktail party, Nipple Ring whispers to Jasmine that he get really shy in front of the cameras. She tells him she knows and that it's annoying so stop it. But he manages to get out that he's coming at her full speed. They kiss.

The Inventor says he's going to lay it all on the line and go in for the kiss. He says he's nervous but confident. He tells the cameras that she's got beautiful lips (do you think they're aided by collagen?) and he can't wait to grab her and start making out.

Guess what? Doesn't happen. After giving her a "gift" of the lyrics he wrote to the song they recorded in Jamaica, he leans in. And she leans out. Shut down! He's experienced this many times before with women. Seriously? Many times? I kinda like Chris, but maybe he's not the best at reading situations if this is happening to him many times.

Jasmine tells him she hasn't had the time to build that kind of connection with him. So that gives him hope that she'll want to have more time to build a connection. Oh poor dear Inventor. Denial ain't just a river in Africa, as they say.

Noah, the host, enters. I don't think I'll ever get used to him as the show's face. It's rose ceremony time. 8-Pack, Sexual Tongue, and Cocky Drew all have roses. There are four more to hand out, with one person going home. They go in order to:

1. Nipple Ring
2. Captain Canada
3. Ben Wha?
4. Rob Schneider

So she chooses old slobbery kiss Ben Wha? over Baby Einstein. Her loss. The Inventor is going home. Noah doesn't quite understand the host's function. He just memorized some stock line and tried to apply it in this situation. With only one guy going home, Noah said, "Gentlemen, if you did not receive a rose, say your goodbyes." Chris Harrison would have known to personalize it to the one person who needs to say goodbye. Noah was on autopilot.

Chris says, "the evasive thing called love continues to evade me... Why is it the nice guys always lose?... At what point does that change?" And he broke down in the limo.

Next week they're going camel riding in Morocco. Cool!

The After Show featured the detestable Ashley I along with the Inventor. He was great. Ashley I (which stands for Eyebrow, apparently) was wearing a v-neck shirt that vee'd down to her naval. She managed to get through the show without crying.

There were two segments with host Jenn gabbing with a Superfan in a spa. Let's not make this a regular thing, huh, producers?

The comedian was Nikki Payne, who was a live wire. But somebody in the control room was asleep. They allowed a tweet that said she sounded like a pirate and needed more wine to display along the bottom.

Bachelorette Canada: Butts and Abs

Late to the party again. What does that tell you? I'm not sure, either. I'm enjoying the season well enough, I guess. Just in no hurry to watch. But I'm all caught up. Here's what I saw:

The gang is in Montréal this week. It's a perfect place to fall in love, Jasmine tells us, just like she did in Jamaica, and I'm sure she will in Québec City next time. I predict a lot of annoying Benoit in this episode. It's his hometown, after all.

The date card arrives and Captain Canada is about to read it when Cocky Drew grabs it. He proceeds to tell everyone the one-on-one date will go to Chris. Chris is overjoyed and the other guys react jealously. Then Cocky Drew says he was just kidding. What a kidder! The one-on-one date actually goes to Nipple Ring Mikhel.

I guess it doesn't happen until the next day, though, because they needed to get a plug in. Jasmine enters carrying a cardboard carrying tray of two coffees from McDonald's (which, you may be surprised to learn, actually makes good coffee – and a lot cheaper than Starbucks). She brings the coffee into a sleeping Mikhel's bedroom.

The rest of the guys are treated to tasty croissants, also from McD's. A little over the top with the product placement, I'd say. Also, I'm craving a Big Mac.

Her date with Nipple Ring involves going into the city and defacing property. They're going to create street art, aka graffiti. Her idea is to paint a big rose on the side of a building. She's pretty good at it, too. No stencil or anything. Nipple Ring, on the other hand, ain't so talented. But together they produce a decent flower and cut out before the coppers can nab them.

At night, Jas and Mik hit a chateau. I mean, they visit it, not tag it with paint. Inside a quartet is playing and singing and the couple feels ye olde Bachelor/ette pressure to slow dance and kiss in front of the group. How awkward it must be to be standing there all alone pretending to like the band and making out in front of them. There's no crowd to hide in.

They also brought their swimwear because it turns out there's a hot tub in the castle. Then we get the two of them sitting on the ledge talking, each in their bathing suit. I wonder if the producers told them to.

Mikhel tells her he was born in India but moved to Canada at four months old. He says his parents are chill and his sister is a doctor so he'll always come up short in comparison. Jasmine tells him she loves his humility. That can't bode well for Cocky Drew. Anyway, she gives Mikhel a rose.

The first of two group dates takes a visit to the Cirque du Soleil creative studios, as you knew they would. Bien sûr. Four guys will perform for her, and the one who stands out the most will get a private date. And we know it's going to be Benoit, right?

Andrew (who I still haven't got a handle on) will perform on the trampoline/fake bed; Kevin "Rob Schneider" P. will do the Chinese pole; David the musician will work the straps; and Benoit will be on the bungee trapeze.

David has the hardest challenge. He feels like he's always getting the short end of the stick. Is that even an expression? Sounds like it, but as I write it I wonder how can there be a short end of a stick? Maybe he means he always draws the short stick. Yeah, that makes more sense.

Kevin P. goes first on the Chinese pole. Turns out a Chinese pole is pretty much just a pole. As Andrew says, it looks like he's been on the pole before. He knows his way around the thing. And no, he didn't shower after it.

Andrew jumps around on the giant fake bed and then off into a big foam pit.

David gets pulled skyward by the straps.

Benoit does flips 40 feet in the air then grabs onto a trapeze and manages to blow French kisses down to Jasmine.

She chooses Ben. Wha-? Rigged.

They go watch a Cirque show then somewhere else to talk and gross kiss. He's goofy and annoying throughout but she thinks it's the "Frenchness in him that makes him so expressive." She likes his quirks. To me, he looks like everything I hate about French comedians (Gad Elmaleh excluded). But now I see why they're so popular in Quebec and France. They love that goofiness, the clownish aspects of comedy.

He goes for a kiss. Looks like it could have been assault, but she calls it "intense passion," but admits he "could tone it down a bit." He is maybe the most aggressive kisser I've seen. She says she feels desired by him and that they have a good connection. Also, the more she gets to know him, the more she likes him. Basically the opposite of every viewer. She gives him a rose and he proceeds to attack her face again.

The next group date sees a 3-on-3 football match, captained by two members of the Montreal Alouettes. Jasmine says she's not that into watching sports but doesn't mind football because you can see their butts.

We got Team Hotties, with the Inventor, Captain Canada, and 8-Pack Mike (we'll get to that) against Team Naughties, with Cocky Drew, Giant Kyle, and Sexual Tongue. Naughties are the Vegas favourites due to the fact the Inventor (Chris) has never played sports before.

The first to three touchdowns wins. Team Naughties races out to a 2-0 lead behind scores from the Giant and Cocky Drew. But the Hotties come back behind the first career TD of the Inventor and 8-Pack. Nail-biting time.

The Naughties fumble a pass before Captain Canada (on a badly sprained ankle) manages to hold on in the end zone for sweet victory. Only it doesn't matter at all because Jasmine goes back on her word and invites them all along to the after party. Bogus.

They all go out with Jasmine, except Captain Canada who's getting his foot looked at. She takes Mike aside and tells him she's heard tell that beneath his blouse he's carrying an 8-pack around. Humble Mike hems and haws. He's not one to blow his own horn. She then demands him to take off his shirt and she's blown away. At once they go from friends to something more. Yes, she's that shallow. She's treating men like a piece of meat! She just wants to see abs and football players' bums!

Captain Canada, by the way, finally arrived in a walking cast. Hero.

Meanwhile, Cocky Drew seems to be mellowing. He tells the Inventor he should get the rose for stepping up in the big game. And there was no payoff guffaw. He seemed sincere. That made the Inventor suspicious. He vows to reveal the real Drew to unsuspecting Jasmine. Because that always works out.

The Inventor takes her aside and pops open some champagne. He butters her up by telling her she keeps getting more and more beautiful. She tells him she's blown away by him and adds, "and I'm not just saying that." The Inventor takes it in stride: "I believe you."

Then he gets down to brass tacks. He says to beware of Drew and tells her about the humiliating date card experience Cocky Drew put him through.

Jasmine tells Cocky Drew she's heard he might have been "bully-ish" with some people. He immediately fesses up about the date card prank, calling it a spur-of-the-moment practical joke. And he immediately apologized. He says it's what guys do. Donald Trump gets it.

Jasmine decides against giving anyone a rose on the date. And she leaves.

Noah (the host, remember?) arrives the next day to say forget about a cocktail party. Jasmine needs more time to reflect on what she needs to do. The guys are sitting around on sofas dumbstruck. Took me a while to recognize Cocky Drew. He was going incognito, wearing a black toque and big Elvis Costello glasses. Or maybe they were Ben-Wha–?'s specs.

At the rose ceremony, Nipple Ring and Ben Wha–? already have roses. Six more will be handed out. Three guys are going home. They go in order to:

1. 8-Pack
2. Captain Canada
3. Sexual Tongue's Man Bun
4. Rob Schneider

At this point she asks to speak to Cocky Drew. She wants to know if he's there for her, if he's serious about this for real. He says, "I like you and I can see something with you in the future but if you can't, you can't give me the rose." What a romantic.

She walks back out and hands out the final two roses:

      5. The Inventor
      6. Cocky Drew

Because the producers love drama. Remember, it was 100 percent their pick.

Going home are Musician David, Giant Kirk, and Andrew. David crouches down and hangs his head. Andrew tells him to get up, "Don't let her see you like that." Yeah, wouldn't want her to know you actually had feelings for her.

But all three took the high road and handled it well. Kirk said, "I have two cats at home that really need me so there's always a silver lining."

Next week they're off to Québec City, a bus ride away.

The After Show was pretty good, too. It featured Bad Chad, comedian Deb DiGiovanni, a Mulroney, and a superfan.

I have said (and kind of maintain) that the overly excitable "audience" is canned, but I've been informed by inside sources that there is, indeed, an audience, although what we hear from them is probably sweetened. How do regular Vancouverites like me get invited to sit in the studio audience? Maybe the audience is just friends and family of the camera operators.


In the show we found out that Bad Chad has been texting with Cocky Drew. BC sees CD's point of view. I can just see a spinoff series starring these two dudes.