Week Two: Someone's there for the wrong reasons...

Okay, let’s do this, Bacheloristas. I’m back from basketball. The PVR is ready and waiting. Had some leftover lasagna and a beer and I’m sleepy. But my public awaits! Thanks, by the way, for the comments. If it weren’t for the four I got, I’d probably wait a day or two to do this. Keep the comments coming. Let’s all band together and share our thoughts on the train wreck that is our favourite reality TV series.

Anonymous from California asked who my top five were. I had to really dig deep to come up with five. And they are 1. Front Runner Ali, 2. Classy Corrie, 3. Unbalanced Michelle, 4. Professor Ashley, and 5. Elizabeth the Nanny. These could change from week to week. Sara from New Hampshire asked why I had Unbalanced Michelle in the mix. It was a tough call, Sara, but I went with her for a few of reasons: She’s really quite fetching, craziness aside. And I’m hoping that she’s the victim of the bad edit that befalls one contestant a season (and that’s what they are, right? Contestants). She can’t really be that nutso, can she? I guess we’ll find out. And finally, everyone else sucks.

The poll received 27 votes. The winner in a landslide as your favourite was Front Runner Ali, with 13 votes. But there's some love out there for Dumb Divorced Tenley, who was second with 7 votes. Elizabeth the Nanny had 2 votes, while Gia Pet, Professor Ashley, Wrong Reason Rozlyn, Classy Corrie and Unbalanced Michelle each received 1 vote. If you didn't hear your favourite's name, that's because they got a goose-egg. If you love them so much, vote for 'em! This week, we'll discard the detritus and post a new poll. Make sure you vote.

Jennhudson asked if I avoid spoilers. You know what? I haven’t in the past, but I didn’t actively seek them out. Well, I guess I did, but only because I was bored and I cared so much for the best Bachelorette in history, Jillian. This time around? I don’t think I’m going to. The word itself says it all: it spoils the show. Why would I want to do that? Don’t you hate finding out the score of the game you’re about to watch ahead of time? Why would I try to hunt for info before seeing the show? My wife is on strict orders not to mention a thing to me when I get home. I want to see it fresh and unfettered, just the way the editors intended. It’s bad enough we have to endure endless upcoming highlights that reveal too much.

Okay, enough chit-chat. It’s showtime!

SEGMENT 1: Chris gathers the girls and explains how the dates work. I’m glad he straightened that out. I’ve never been 100 percent clear on the whole rose thing.

First date card: Gia Pet, Wrong Reason Rozlyn, Dirty Valishia, Classy Corrie (still looking totally classy, btw), Bitchy Christina and Asheigh Diaz. (For explanations on the nicknames, see last week’s post.) These ladies are giddy with excitement over this group date. They don’t even know what they’ll be doing. But Jake (or, more likely, the producer or writer) wrote “A picture is worth a thousand words”, which was met with squeals of delight. Ooh, what could it mean?! Well, thanks to the stupid upcoming highlights, we know it’s a photo shoot.

Unbalanced Michelle said she’d have liked to have been included, but she kept a stiff upper lip. Deep breath, Michelle, deep breath.

Bitchy Christina has no idea what the date is all about (I know, that sure was a cryptic clue!), but she’s sure it’ll be the best first date with her future husband... and five of his girlfriends. It’s a fairybook tale, ain’t it?

Jake thinks he’s turned a corner. No more nice guys finish last. This 31-year-old loser is finally going to get a girlfriend! He walks in with his shirt unbuttoned like it’s 1977. Some of the girls are sitting around in their panties. Or maybe it’s bathing suit bottoms. Either way, it’s odd attire for the living room.

Wrong Reason Rozlyn, the model, is showing off the ladies, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.

Jake introduces the women to his good friend, Hal, who enters laughing, probably at the thought that Jake considers him a friend. Turns out Hal is the fashion director for InStyle magazine. And, amazingly enough, he’s also flambouyantly gay. Go figure.

Christina’s not a happy camper. She’s up against two professional models in Wrong Reason Rozlyn and Gia Pet (a swimsuit model) with a face made to order. Literally.

Rozlyn knows what she’s doing... that is, if she usually poses for Beaver magazine. She lifts her leg next to Jake and something gets pixilated. It’s probably not what they want us to think it is. It’s just her cha-cha, apparently, according to Bitchy Christina. There, I told you. She must have been wearing underpants with maracas on them. No matter, we’ve learned that Bitchy Christina is the house comedian. The producers will go to her for the catty comments.

She’s really uncomfortable, which is just setting her up for the rose, we can all agree. But I don’t see why they had to dress her in a frock just because she wasn’t a professional model.

SEGMENT 2: The wrap-party. Holy crap! Asheigh Diaz just interrupts Jake and Gia Pet wearing a skimpy bikini. Jake strips down to his bathing suit, which were more like bathing pants. I hope women never go the baggy shorts route. Do you women actually like that? Don’t you like to see more of the guy just as us guys like to see more of you?

The two of them get in the pool and you’ll never believe it but there happens to be a camera under the water. I know! We see Ashleigh Diaz doing the Harris wrap-around to Jake. Doesn’t last long, though, because all the others show up in their teeny-weenie bikinis. I want to make it clear this isn’t why I watch The Bachelor. Nor is it the reason why I pause the PVR and rewind over and over again. I just need the details for the blog. That’s all.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, another envelope arrives to the usual hoots and hollers. The lucky girl who gets to go on the one-on-one date gets to wear... wait for it... an expensive necklace! Boy, the producers really went all out during the off-season to change things up. Still, the ladies are excited as all get out even though there was no name with the card. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Unbalanced Michelle tried it on in the hopes that was the secret to landing the date. (I really like her look, I’ll give her that.)

Man, Christina is getting a lot of face time. Is she the one who entered into an inappropriate relationship with a crew member? Why else would she get so much more airtime than anyone else? Or maybe she just bribed them with jellybeans. It also helps that they plied her with alcohol. Alcohol + a chick with a mouth = great television.

Wrong Reason Rozlyn interrupts Chrissy and Jake. Man, she (Rozlyn) is a knockout. I hope she lasts long enough that Playboy offers her large sums of money to pose nude. (I know, I’m a sexist pig. And I know women make up a large percentage of my readership. But let’s face it, if she were in Playboy, you’d check it out, too.)

Hey, I just noticed it says Rozlyn is a model and a make-up artist. What a talented girl! Was that always there? It’s like Gia Pet is a model/hair salon owner. If you’re a decent model, doesn’t that take up pretty much all of your time? Posing for your boyfriend doesn’t make you a model.

Rozlyn shuts Jake up with a major-league kiss. Will that loosen up the tense Jake? We’ll see. She said it was perfect. He said he’s never dated a girl like Rozlyn before. We’ll put that down under the “Well, duh!” category. He says he’s out of his comfort zone with her. Yeah, boobies will do that to a guy. And guess who gets the rose?! I won’t torture you any longer. It was Rozlyn, who immediately gets all mushy talking about the sense of accomplishment, her competitiveness, and her strategy for the rest of the date.

SEGMENT 3: Who will get the one-on-one? Michelle reads the card. The lucky winner is Front Runner Ali, who gets to go flying with Jake. She sheds tears of joy, saying she’s the luckiest girl in the world.

I’m not sure if she’s still the Front Runner, but she’s lovely. What’s not to like? They ride off on his motorbike and pull up at the airport. Oh, right, she’s the one afraid of flying. Nice, Jake. I guess this will be a true test. And if she fails, she’s going home.

She’s like me. She doesn’t like flying in a commercial jet, let alone in a two-seater. I empathize. He says he’s just going to do a “real quick pre-flight” check of the airplane. That’s two words I don’t want to hear from my pilot: real quick. Take your time, Jake. Make sure it’s right. He wants to show her how calm and free flying is. If that means he stalls the engine, he’s a jerk. She actually was okay with the experience. Meanwhile, I’m getting jitters just watching.

SEGMENT 4: The plane lands in Palm Springs and they drive off in a vintage convertable. They drive onto a field and eventually find their way over to their dinner table, with the rose sitting by. Front Runner Ali lists off her former boyfriends: Jim, Jason, Jared, and Jordan. Hmm. She thinks that’s a good sign. It tells me that she can’t keep a relationship with guys whose name starts with J.

A new card arrives back home. The last date before the rose ceremony will include Elizabeth the Nanny, her fake boobs, Crazy Canuck Jessie, Kathryn the Faker, Professor Ashley and Spoiled Vienna. All seven of them. The clue?: “Love has its ups and downs.”

That leaves Unbalanced Michelle (who’s not ordinary like the other women, she says), Ella Belle and Dumb Divorced Tenley out in the cold. Michelle says, “Jake showed me that he didn’t want to be with me. So tough for him.”

Back on the date with Front Runner Ali, and she gets the rose. He sees that she’s a beautiful person inside. They smooch. But the biggest surprise is saved for last. You’ll never believe it but a private concert by a B-list band is next! (Okay, okay, the band is Chicago and I actually like them, but that shows my age and they aren’t exactly topping the charts these days, although on the casino circuit they’re da bomb.) Once again, the producers have outdone themselves with originality.

SEGMENT 5: The group date. They get free run of Six Flags amusement park. Ergo love having its ups and downs. Get it? Roller coaster? Hello?

Unbalanced Michelle, back at the house, is living up to her name and packing her bags and crying. Oh, she’s a handful that one. She’d be a disaster in a relationship. Still, though, I have a bit of a soft spot for her. Or maybe I just like good television.

Elizabeth the Nanny is playing games. A jock, she’s in it to win it. She might. Guys love nannies. Ask Robin Williams. She reads him a note scribbled in tiny writing the Unabomber would envy. What the hell? But it just might work. It’s about as natural sounding as Jake in his day-to-day conversations so he might buy it. She and her fake boobs tell him not to even think of kissing her unless he’s decided he wants to spend the rest of her life with her and her fake boobs. She’s pulling the Wes card. Jake respects her old-fashioned values. But I suspect them. She’s just telling him what she thinks he wants to hear.

SEGMENT 6: Back at Magic Mountain Jake isn’t sure who to give the rose to. I don’t blame him with this group.

Spoiled Vienna sits Jake down to tell him a secret. Let me guess: She’s got a kid.

Nope. She was engaged to her pastor’s son. She wasn’t ready, broke it off, and within a month he got married and was expecting a child. So as revenge, she eloped with some guy at the age of 18. The happy union lasted four months. She’s tearing up telling him all this when Professor Ashley enters with drinks.

The Prof seems decent enough, but she laughs like Burt Lancaster (I’m not that old, but I’m old enough to remember Rich Little doing impressions of him). And she was cute when saying she gave Jake the look but didn’t receive a kiss. “How could he not want to kiss me?!” she said.

He gives the rose to someone who really opened up. That’d be Elizabeth the Nanny. So we know how to get to Jake: Be smoking hot and super aggressive. Worked for Rozlyn, and now Elizabeth. Coincidentally, two gals who probably aren’t the right fit for straight-ahead Jake. But he’s too dumb to know it.

She admits to playing hard-to-get because “that’s what I deserve”. Now she’s taunting him, saying she’s a really good kisser and totally asking for it. To his credit, he doesn’t succumb. And he had a look like he was starting to figure out that it’s not her ethics and morals that made her forbid kissing, but her gamesmanship. The fireworks come just in time.

SEGMENT 7: It’s cocktail party time. And look who’s there! It’s Unbalanced Michelle! She stuck around. Yay!

Spoiled Vienna is the first this season to bring up “the wrong reasons”. She’ll be the one – there’s one every season – who feels it’s best to let the subject of their dreams in on the fact that someone is there for... the wrong reasons!

The teases (I’m talking about the upcoming highlights, not Rozlyn and Elizabeth) tell us that someone got it on with a member of the production crew. I have no idea who it is. But I’ve paused the PVR and will now make a prediction. My guess is it can’t be someone who’s been invisible this week, so that leaves out Tenley, Ella, Jessie, Corrie, Valishia and Kathryn. Narrowing it down from there, I’m going to go with Elizabeth or Gia. If I had to choose just one, I’ll say Elizabeth. That would explain her insincere wish not to be kissed.

Speak of the devil, here’s Ella the southern Belle. It was her birthday yesterday and Jake has gotten her a gift... No wait. It’s a freakin’ cupcake! She should throw it in his face and create a scene. Michelle would have.

Dumb Divorced Tenley is perhaps a mean nickname. She’s probably not all that dumb. She just sounds it. If she sticks around, I’ll consider dropping the “Dumb” portion of the name.

Spoiled Vienna calls Michelle Debby Downer. Good one. And she’s annoyed that when Jake suddenly appears, she acts all happy. Michelle probably is a tad manic depressive. But Vienna, methinks the pot is calling the kettle black.

Michelle tells Jake she had packed her bags. She spins it so that she just comes off as extra-honest. Then just as she’s getting emotional (again), she’s interrupted. Can you believe it! Michelle almost told the interloper off right then and there, but thought better of it, telling Jake that she was confident he’d keep her around. Then she told the cameras how rude it was. I know, girlfriend! That was probably the rudest moment in Bachelor history. Nobody’s ever done that before.

SEGMENT 8: Chris enters and calls Rozlyn outside. Doh! She was actually my second guess, but I thought it was too obvious. Chris lets her know that he knows and her reaction is classic. She pulls the “I don’t think my personal life is anybody’s business” line. This is hilarious. It’s like, for example, finding drugs in your kids pocket and your kid turning it back on you with, “What are you doing going through my pockets?!”

Chris tells her that they feel it’s impossible for her to continue on the show. Maybe they’re right. But I think Jake is the one who ought to decide it. If he’s okay with it, it should be good enough for the show. But he tells her to go pack her stuff and get the hell out. In so many words.

At least the consolation is that she was the first ever to enter into such a relationship (or at least get caught) in the history of the show. So there’s your hook, Playboy. Get on it! Stat!

SEGMENT 9: The girls have no idea what’s going on. Chris lets Jake in on it. Jake is disappointed. He wants his rose back. He thought she could be the one and feels like maybe he was taken for the fool because he didn’t see this coming with her. Uh, maybe, Jake, but I pegged her as Wrong Reason Rozlyn from the beginning. Use your other head, dummy.

We watch Rozlyn pack... And pack some more... Hey, look, she’s still packing. As she slips on her jeans under her party dress, we almost see her cha-cha again.

Now the walk of shame, past all the other girls.

SEGMENT 10: Chris and Jake spill the beans. Jake tells them he feels deceived. He asks them to tell him if they aren’t sure or he’s not right for them. No one comes forward.

I’d like to find out what, exactly, her inappropriate relationship was. Flirting? Naughty text messaging? Making out? Sex? Did she show him her cha-cha?

I can’t believe so many of the rest are so emotional over this. They should be dancing a jig that the most stunning of them all was sent home.

SEGMENT 11: Rose ceremony time. I don’t even know how many there are and how many will go home. I guess we’ll find out.

Front Runner Ali and Elizabeth the Nanny already are rosed. Wrong Reason Rozlyn has been de-rosed. Here are the rest, in order:

3. Spoiled Vienna
4. Gia Pet
5. Dumb Divorced Tenley

So far I’m not liking his choices.

6. Ella Belle

Still not.

7. Dirty Valishia

Say what?

8. Classy Corrie

Finally! Good choice.

9. Crazy Canuck Jessie

Well, she’s a fellow Canadian, but I wouldn’t have picked her.

10. Ashleigh Diaz

Meh.

11. Unbalanced Michelle

Yay!!!

12. Kathryn the Faker

Nope.

I like the ones who he sent home. Professor Ashley committed a grave sin, which was being a brunette. I thought she was sweet. But as I said last week, I think Jake doesn’t like career women. He needs to be the alpha male. He doesn’t need a woman with a Ph.D. around the house. To her credit, she didn’t break down after getting jilted. Always bright and cheery. Not so for Bitchy Christina. She cries. There goes the funny snark the rest of the way. I wonder if she helped herself to a jelly bean on the way out.

And next week we see that someone else goes home before the rose ceremony. Looks like Elizabeth but we’ll have to wait and see. I’m not going to Google any spoilers. It’s like opening presents before Christmas. It’s just not right.

Hope you enjoyed this week’s offering. Make sure you vote in the poll over there on the left. And leave a comment while you’re at it. We’re all in this together.

The Bachelor: On a Wing and a Prayer

Well, well, well. Here we are again. I didn’t think I’d be here. And I probably shouldn’t even bother considering I’m a day late. But on Sunday night my wife says, “Are you going to blog about the Bachelor again?” I didn’t even know it was starting. I said no, I probably wouldn’t, but she begged... Okay, maybe not begged, but that’s how I took it.

I had next to no interest in this season because Jake is so dull. So perfectly dull. But what the hell. I play basketball on Monday nights and I can’t sleep right after so I may as well fire up the PVR and settle in for some unintentional comedy.

I probably won’t go on and on as in seasons past. Not sure how I’ll work it. Maybe a few random thoughts per segment (defined here as the show portion between commercials). I can’t spend too much time on this. But knowing me, I will go on and on. I guess we’ll just have to find out.

Alrighty, let’s get this show going. It’s called On the Wings of Love. Get it? Because he’s a pilot, you see. We probably won’t hear too many pilot references so enjoy it while it lasts.

SEGMENT 1: We get to know Jake a little bit. Very little. We know he likes to go shirtless a lot and when he does put a shirt on, it usually has wings on it. We get it. He’s a pilot. A nice guy pilot. His mantra is “Nice guys don’t finish last; nice guys just have to wait a little bit longer.” And nice guys settle, most likely, too. He says he didn’t think he’d be 31 and single, but thinks this is it for real. He’s sure he’ll end up with a fiancée: “I can just feel it!” Oh, poor stiff Jake. Guaranteed, though, he’ll spend more quality time with more women than he’s probably ever even talked to in his entire life this season. (I’m not counting over the P.A. on his plane.)

SEGMENT 2: Chris starts this segment telling us that America was shocked when Jillian sent Jake home. And he managed to keep a straight face. Maybe Bizarro America was shocked but no one in real life was surely.

We get to know a few select women ahead of their entries into Jake’s life. It’s always hard for me (and I assume you) to keep track of these strangers so I need to constantly refer to the characteristics I pick up along the way by assigning them a nickname: On a side note, would it be too much to ask of the producers to not have people with the same name in the same season? It's confusing and entirely unnecessary.
Ali: Cute, 25. Spunky. My front runner. She will herewith be called Front Runner Ali. You know who else was cute and spunky for two seasons running, don’t you? My all-time fave, Jillian.
Alexa, 25, mentions orgasms. Nice looking. She’ll be called Orgasmic Alexa, but not for long because she’s toast.
Tenley, dancer, 25, dancing on the beach. Sounds dumb. Divorced. Stayed a virgin until married. Perfect! Dumb Divorced Tenley it is!
Elizabeth, 29, air force captain. Nice looking. Smart. No fashion sense. I like her! Greatest loves in her life have all been pilots. Air Force Elizabeth, unfortunately, won’t stick around. (No need to write spoiler alert because you all know how it ended up already.)
Rozlyn, 28, model. Beautiful, of course, but my bet to be the one in it for the wrong reasons. She will be Wrong Reason Rozlyn.
Christina, a guy’s girl, and admits to being a little bitchy. Bitchy Christina it is.
Vienna, 23, shapely. Biggest personality, she says, and very intelligent. Loves herself. Currently unemployed. Points for honesty. Spoiled daddy’s girl. He bought her five cars. Tiny dog. What’s with chicks named for European capitals? Vienna is very Paris (Hilton)-like. What to call her... How about Spoiled Vienna? Done.
Ashley, 29, teacher. Not all that good looking but for a teacher she’s got to be considered hot. We’ll call her Professor Ashley.
Elizabeth, 29, nanny. Not to be confused with Air Force Elizabeth. Va-va-va-voom. She’s got the weirdest looking cleavage, though. Does that mean fake tits? Not sure. She says she’s not okay with Jake kissing other girls. So naturally this is the show for her. She's a nanny. And that shall be her name: The Nanny.)
Ella, 29, a southern belle. Looks older than 29. Has a son who she likes to chase around trees. She also boxes. “He is coming home with me,” she announces. And says she’ll knock someone out. Didn’t knock me out. We’ll call her Ella Belle.
Gia, 26, a swimsuit model from NY. Also has been a ballet dancer and done beauty pageants. Still, though, not lucky meeting guys. Yeah, it’s tough being a model. Claims to have had only three boyfriends her whole life. Maybe it’s the freaky facelift she had that scared them off. She’ll be Gia Pet, just because I like the way that sounds.
Kimberly, 24. She never thought in a million years this would happen. And guess what? It didn’t. She didn’t get a rose. Still, we’ll call her... I guess Kimberly. That’s not hard to remember.
Emily, 23, is a fit model, whatever that is. My guess is it doesn’t involve the face. Fit Emily is gone after this episode, too.
Tianna, 31, from Vancouver! Gotta like that. But not too much, because Tianncouver goes home tonight, too.
Caitlyn is a spokesmodel. She says that the experience she has from pageants will allow her to dominate this competition. Uh, not so much. She’s a goner, too.
Kirsten spoke too fast. Doesn’t matter. She’s outta here, too.
Michelle, 25, is cute and natural. Says she’s ready to be a wife. And why not? She’s 25 already. We’ll call her Unbalanced Michelle.

SEGMENT 3: Now here’s something I always wonder about. We start with a scene of Jake showering. How does this play out in real life? Is he naked? Of course not. And if not, it’s all for show. Do the producers ask if he'd mind hopping in the shower? Why would he agree to it?

Jake tells us he’s risking it all for love. What’s the risk? This is a guy who stalls airplane engines for the thrill of it. There’s risk in meeting and making out with a bunch of women and becoming a minor celebrity? Not when the alternative is crying in your pillow on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Jake isn’t a nerd, though, okay? He rides a motorbike. And he’s got abs. My guess is he was the kid who had sand kicked in his face as a kid and vowed revenge. He admits he’s had a lot of first dates. And somewhere in Bizarro America people are shaking their heads in disbelief.

Chris defines non sequitur in a question to Jake, asking if the girl he loves is terrified of flying, would he give it up? Uh... what? Is there a bring-your-wife-to-work day in the airline industry? What possible difference does it make whether she’s terrified or not? But Jake lies and says love is more important. So I guess he’ll just find a new job in that scenario.

SEGMENT 3: Nervous Jake meets the girls. The first car is full of drunken screaming girls. And here we go. We meet them all now:
Wrong Reason Rozlyn, the model, is first out of the limo. Her name means rose, she informs him. He should fasten his seatbelt because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Hey, another flying reference. That’s gotta be the last one, right?
Fit Emily, the fit model. She’s the Mary Ann of this island. But not as cute.
Front Runner Ali lost her voice. Gives a peacock feather. Maybe she said why but I missed it.
Jessie, 25, another Canadian, from Oakville, Ont. She grabs Jake’s biceps and says, “Do you have a registry for these guns?” then gives a flirty little over-the-shoulder look as she walks away. She’ll be Crazy Canuck Jessie. Inexplicably, she sticks around.
Dumb Divorced Tenley looks better but still sounds dumb.

The second car pulls up. Jake waves awkwardly:
Ella Belle, hair stylist, 29, from Tennessee. He loves her accent. She pulls the old “There’s something on your tie” routine and he falls for it. She thought he needed a laugh. Yeah, that always kills. Then she says, “How does it feel to talk to the woman you’re going to marry?” And he gave this woman a rose! Seriously!
Kathryn, 25, is a corporate flight attendant. She’s wearing a hideous purple dress, and sounds hideous, too. She’ll be Kathryn the Faker.
Caitlyn. Nothing to say here but nice back. Plus, she doesn’t last so I don’t need to get to know her.
Air Force Elizabeth. She asks if he prefers to be called Jake or Jacob. Apparently she didn’t watch last season because a grand total of zero people referred to him as Jacob. Then she pulls out a two-headed coin and flips it, telling him heads she stays, tails she goes. Maybe these gals are told to have something witty to say but it all sounds so prepared.
Orgasmic Alexa enters wearing black gloves. She drives a Harley, you see. She’s also dressed like a harlot.
Next out is Spoiled Vienna. She wants a touch of those famous abs so she cops a feel.
Classy Corrie, 23, is a breath of fresh air until she makes a lame joke about Kissimmee, Florida.
Kimberly, from Oklahoma, talks about college football. Not too rehearsed. And by that I mean completely rehearsed.
Valishia, 32, is a homemaker. Wait a second. Run that by me again? A homemaker? A single homemaker? I guess it sounds better than unemployed. She rubs a bit of soil from Texas into his hand. I’ll call her Dirty Valishia.
Gia Pet, the swimsuit model, arrives and poses as she steps out of the limo. Not only is she a swimsuit model/former ballerina/beauty pageant contestant, but apparently she owns a hair salon, too. The modeling’s going well, I guess. When she talks, she doesn’t move her lips. Could be the collagen.

SEGMENT 4: The last ten arrive:
The Nanny (Elizabeth) and her fake boobs greet Jake. She asks him to close his eyes and picture his best place. Thinking on his feet, he says right here. She looks displeased and says hers is snowboarding. Warning: She’s probably the type of girl who gets what she wants. Then again, she’s a nanny, so maybe not.
Channy, 29, needs no nickname. Not just because she’s gone after this episode, but for several reasons: Her name is nicknamey enough, she’s got a set of chompers Mr. Ed would envy, she wore a godawful miniskirt, she’s the only person of colour on this season (there’s always one), she’s the first ever Cambodian contestant, and, as we’ll find out later, she’s into personal grooming, South American style.
Professor Ashley, the teacher, is next. She says she’s a lousy picker of men. That oughta give Jake a extra jolt of confidence.
Tianncouver, 31, is tall. Taller than Jake, I think. No wonder she got the boot. Jake’s a man’s man and doesn’t need no woman standing over him.
Bitchy Christina brings some jelly beans along with her inner bitch. They’re little parting gifts for the girls since she says she’s going to win.
Another Ashleigh joins the group, only spelled differently. Her skirt is slit up to there and she trips into his arms. Oldest trick in the book. She looks like Cameron Diaz after too many drinks. So we’ll call her Ashleigh Diaz.
Next is Kirsten. She tells Jake that Jillian was so stupid for letting him go. She kinda looks like a man.
Stephanie, wearing a mini skirt, walks funny, self-consciously. But she’s a dance teacher. And kinda homely. No matter, she’s gone after tonight, too.
Sheila, a commercial pilot, exits the limo wearing sunglasses. I don’t want to fly with her. She says they’re a pair of aviators and he doesn’t bite. Doesn’t react a bit. No sense of excitement that here’s someone else who also is a commercial pilot. He sends her home, too, along with Air Force Elizabeth, yet keeps Kathryn, a flight attendant. What does that tell you? Jake likes to be the man and be recognized for his unique, manly abilities. He doesn’t need a woman who can do what he can do. He needs to impress the little ladies.
Unbalanced Michelle, flies in acting like a plane. I like her looks. She’s cute and a natural beauty. We’ll also find out she’s mentally unbalanced. Ah, The Bachelor, I knew you could draw me in somehow!

SEGMENT 5: Jake addresses the women inside. It’s a stilted little speech. As
Asheigh Diaz wants some one-on-one time so Jake and her can get a direct flight to romance. Get it? Because he’s a pilot! It’s funny because it’s true!
I knew I liked Front Runner Ali. On the way outside with Jake, she trips over her dress and rips it. She’s also got no voice. She confides she was scared of flying to the point of missing vacations. (Did I ever mention the time I took the bus back from Disneyland rather than getting on the plane?) She’s very refreshing. He likes that she’s different. What’s so different about her, though?
Classy Corrie asks Jake what his top 3 priorities are. He answers God, family, friends, in that order. So his own family and his close friends take a backseat to a mythical man in the sky. Nice.
Channy says he needs a bit of Cambodian fever. Sits him down and utters some beautiful Cambodian phrase, which translates to, “Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip any time.” Which further translates to, “Me love you long time.”
Professor Ashley is willing to do just about anything. So she changes into a saucy stewardess outfit. And damned if she doesn’t look cute, too. She claims to be working on her PhD. Two more classes and she’ll be a professor.
Elizabeth, the fake boobed Nanny, is athletic. She starts tossing a football around with Jake and soon the whole gang joins in. Blondes vs brunettes. I didn’t catch who won but it was the hottest game of football I’ve ever seen.

SEGMENT 6: Unbalanced Michelle lives up to the nickname. Says it’ll kill her if she doesn’t get the first impression rose. "I deserve Jake," she says. Not much make-up.
Spoiled Vienna grabs Jake’s hand and smothers her boob with it so he can feel her, um, racing heart. Outside of softball, that’s probably the first time he’s been to second base. She also gets him to feel her shin and kiss it. If he were wearing jeans, he would have creamed them.
Kathryn the Faker gets her nickname because she wears a wedding ring. She has a pretend fiancée. At least that’s her story and she’s sticking with it. Yeah, not weird at all.
Unbalanced Michelle is already emotional this early into the game. She says she’s put everything on hold to be there. You know, it’s a burden being on national TV.

SEGMENT 7: Jillian and Ed show up still pretending to be a couple. They grill the girls and keep notes. They ask such hard-hitting questions as, “What kind of animal would you be in the bedroom?"
Dumb Divorced Tenley reads off a checklist from a note. Her man must have a big heart, values, be honest, a cuddlebug, very passionate, ready to start a new adventure. She then says she’s a pretty good kisser and desperately asks for one. He thanks her for being vulnerable. Hmm. That didn't look too vulnerable. But maybe it was lost in the editing because later she says she’s only been with one man and teared up because it’s been a while.
Ed really liked Elizabeth, saying she was great looking, a great personality, and was very down to earth and relaxed. Not sure which Elizabeth but I think it must have been The Nanny.
Jill liked Ella Belle, the single mom.
They said to send Unbalanced Michelle home. She’s too emotional. So of course the producers tell Jake he has to keep her. That's the only explanation.
Jake gives the first impression rose to Dumb Divorced Tenley. She got the first kiss and the first rose.

SEGMENT 8: Jake says he likes Unbalanced Michelle but that she’s almost over-sincere. Man, what a humourless couple they would make. Let’s make it happen, people! But he’s gonna let his heart lead. He knows his future wife is in that room.

SEGMENT 9: The final rose ceremony. Dumb Divorced Tenley is already in. Fourteen others to follow, in this order:

1. Dumb Divorced Tenley
2. Ella Belle
3. Elizabeth the Nanny and her fake boobs
4. Front Runner Ali, who looks surprised. God love her.
5. Spoiled Vienna
6. Bitchy Christina
7. Gia Pet and her fake face
8. Professor Ashley
9. Wrong Reason Rozlyn
10. Crazy Canuck Jessie
11. Classy Corrie
12. Dirty Valishia, looking homely
13. Ashleigh Diaz
14. Kathryn the Faker
15. Unbalanced Michelle. It’s the first time she’s smiled all night. Future stalker.

Who’s gone? This is the part the show could improve upon. They always feature a few of them as they leave, but I’m always unclear who didn’t make it. Thank God I took notes. Tianncouver got the hook. There goes cheering for the home team. Fit Emily feels incomplete, just like her run on this series. She cries. Because that’s what you do. And Kimberly was shocked. The others not invited back next week to this locality were Caitlyn, Orgasmic Alexa, Air Force Elizabeth, Channy's landing strip, Kirsten, Stephanie, and Sheila the Aviatrix.

That’s it. Upcoming highlights reveal that someone has kids, someone’s a virgin, someone’s been having a sexual affair, and someone’s going to cry. And Jake bends over a railing and cries, as per Bachelor protocol. He goes to hell and back. And I believe that’s a direct flight. We’ll be with him the whole way.

After the final rose... it still sucks

We’re done. I’ll just have to live with it, for however long it lasts.

Jillian is still with Dead Ed. They seem happy. Say they’re going to get married within the year. I’m so happy for them. But let’s go through the After the Final Rose episode.

At the mere mention that Jillian accepted Ed’s proposal, the live studio audience goes wild... Sorry. Typo. I meant ‘goes mild.’ That was the kind of response you give to your best friend when they tell you they’re marrying a dullard. Feigned joy. It’s hard to do. Well done, studio audience.

First out is the ever-adorable Melissa. God, she’s cute. She talked of being embarrassed at how last season played out. Chris admitted stalking her on the set of Dancing with the Stars where he met some dude named Todd, who has since gone on to become her best friend. Or something like that. But she’s happy and that’s all that matters. The process was one of the best things that ever happened to her in her entire life, she says. Jason Mesnick made the right choice. Meow!

Next up is Kiptyn, who still looks like a broken man. No embarrassed smiles from him. Just a heavy sigh after watching what transpired at the final rose ceremony. The wind is still knocked out of him, he admits. He says he clearly fell in love and was real all the way through. He meant what he said. And he’s still got love for Jillian. And... sorry, I dozed off there.

They meet again for the first time since that fateful day. Jillian tells him he didn’t do anything wrong. He says no hard feelings. He’ll never stop appreciating the woman she is. He’s all class, that guy. Boring but classy.

That was a short segment. Reid stole Kiptyn’s thunder. Clearly Reid is a fan favourite. He’d make a most entertaining Bachelor, unlike Kiptyn.

Chris announces, “America was shocked by Reid’s unexpected return.” Only brain-injured Americans with short-term memory problems who didn’t watch the previews the previous week. Who was shocked? We all knew it was happening.

Reid enters with a big smile. He is Mr. Popularity. But I was surprised that during the clips of his embarrassing return, he didn’t give any wiseguy smiles while watching. He sat there and bit his lip. He told Chris that he was experiencing the same emotions that he felt at the time. We can only assume those were emotions of love followed by heartbreak.

Lots of people in cyberspace say Reid looks like Chandler on Friends. Not at all. He reminds me so much of Michael Keaton, as I wrote at the beginning of this season. His mannerisms, everything. Seriously. And Michael Keaton will always be way cooler (and funnier) than Greg Brady (Ed).

He says he didn’t think he had too much competition. I’m with him. I hope Jillian was listening backstage.

When she enters, they embrace and he’s all flirty. Every time she looks at him, he gives her a knowing smile with a twinkle in his eye. I think he still thinks he could get her.

He asks her if she was really confused that day he returned to profess his love. Jill started talking, but didn’t answer the question. She eventually got to the same line she told Kiptyn about wanting him to be happy.

That was about it as far as questions for her. Reid says, “You made your decision. That’s how it works. I’ve got to accept that. There are no questions that are going to change anything.” Yes, there are, Reid! Jillian is speechless. She’s still looking like she just needs to be asked. Ask her, Reid! Ask her now! Ask her to leave Ed! Do it for us!

Not gonna happen. He admits that he still loves her and her look seems to say she realizes she made a mistake. Ah, sweet regret. But she says she feels like she’s with the person she’s meant to be with now. She will not pull a Mesnick on poor, simple Ed.

Reid won’t ask any more questions (“it’s not right”), but one of them would have been about the fantasy suite. The crowd laughs. He got in a good dig while maintaining some dignity. Well played, good sir.

He says, “You seem happy.” Key word “seem”. “There’s no need to poke and prod and try to figure out what happened when you chose Ed and I shouldn’t even have...” There’s the classic Reid neuroses. He downplays himself constantly. He even said the ring he bought wasn’t very good, which elicited sympathetic ahs from the ladies. They were in love with the guy. One of them even asked him if he’d go out with her. She looked to be about 14. That was the only question they showed. Are the setting him up to be the new Bachelor? Let’s hope.

Finally Ed and Jillian are together on stage. They kiss. They kiss some more. Are they told to, I wonder? Because didn’t they just see each other back stage? Even if they didn’t, couldn’t it wait? Whenever I see overly affectionate couples in public, I always think that’s a sign of a troubled relationship. Like, “Look how deliriously happy we are! We can’t keep our hands off each other! No problems here! None whatsoever!”

We learn that Jill will be moving in with Ed on September 1. They plan on marrying within the next twelve months. “Why take it slow?” Jillian said. “We haven’t taken it slow from the start. We’re gonna have fun with this.” i.e. more drinking. Lots more.

One of the questions was about Ed’s “mankini” green swimtrunks. This may be a sign of my age, but they looked perfectly normal to me. Sure, most of my shorts now hang down by my knees, but those things are hard to swim in. Why is it all of a sudden verboten that any guy show off his thighs? Jill, to her credit, said she liked the shorts. Chris was aghast. He can’t believe it. Then again, Chris is a bit of a fop.

The last question had to do with Ed’s abilities in the bedroom. Jillian assures us that there are definitely no bedroom problems. The only problem, she says, is that they can’t get enough of the bedroom. Okay, okay, geez, did you need to go there? But that’s our Jill. Always classing up the proceedings.

Gotta love her. If only she’d get rid of that dud.