Week 3: The Wrassler Hops To It

I watch very little television. I have nothing against it (obviously, if one of my must-sees is the hokey Bachelor/ette series), I just have found other things to do most nights. I haven’t seen one second of Lost or 24 or The Wire or Breaking Bad. I am convinced those are all excellent shows and I bet I’d like them. I just couldn’t be bothered.

So what are the odds that the networks would schedule just about the only two series I watch against each other? Pretty pathetic, if you ask me. Thank God for the PVR (or TiVo, as my American friends call it, I think). So I’ll watch Ali do her thang on The Bachelorette and sometime tomorrow, hopefully, I’ll get to Last Comic Standing. I wonder which one will be funnier?

So let’s get to the object of our desires. Ali is down to 14 hum-drum bachelors, now that she’s sent the Sarnia Sleaze home. Here’s hoping the Midget Weather Doofus is next to go.

Hey, there’s a helicopter in this episode!!! Finally! And Barenaked Ladies. And she slaps someone (although it looks overly dramatic). This could be the bestest episode ever!

One group date and two individual dates this week. Usual rules: no rose, you go. Yeah, yeah, tell us something we don’t know, Chris.

The first date card is read by Ugly Craig. It’s an individual date and Clemente (Roberto) gets the nod. There’s no way he’s going home. I’m calling that right now. (I know you’re reading this after the fact, but I’m writing it during the fact.) But I wouldn’t go in a helicopter with him, that’s for sure, if you know anything about baseball history.

So the copter lands on one building and the dinner table is on another building. They have to walk a tightrope to it, 20 storeys in the air. Not that there’s any chance they’ll do a Flying Wallendas impression and fall to their untimely demises but Ali thinks anything horrible could happen. They stop midway and kiss and everything goes right. They also make it across without falling off. Impressive.

As they watch the setting sun, the smooth Latino says in mid-embrace that he wants to watch a lot more sunsets with her. Ali swoons. I throw up just a little bit in my mouth.

***

At the house, the next date card arrives. The lucky fellas are Origami Kirk, John (Cubic Zirconian), Chris N. (Magic), Frank (Hyper Dweeb), the Midget Weather Dufus, Ugly Craig, Justin (the Wrassler), Jesse (Tattoo), and Cape Cod Chris: “Come rock my world.” I think the guys have seen the upcoming previews because they immediately figure out it’s a musical date. My mind, even after seeing the previews, went to rock climbing. I’m not good at this game.

Kasey the Desperate Dud, with hands down the weirdest voice in the history of the show, says he wishes he could have gone on this musical date to show Ali his voice. I think that’s what she was afraid of.

Clemente impresses Ali with his languages. He’s fluent in Spanish and knows a little bit of French and Italian. Now she feels worried she’s not good enough for him. She tells him she’s an open book. When she’s bored, angry, whatever, he’ll know it. Translation: high maintainance. Probably not a wise thing to say on a first date.

She drops her pants early, metaphorically speaking, and gives him the rose as they lie drunk and kissing on the rooftop. She is one smitten young lady.

***

Group date. The boys pile into a limo and are off to make beautiful music together. Or something like that.

It’s the Barenaked Ladies. Ugly Craig can’t believe he’s going to be in a music video. We hear the new song. Blah blah blah. Listen, I’ve seen Barenaked Ladies live on numerous occasions dating back to before their first CD ever came out. They were nobodies. And they put on a great live show. Great musicians, fun guys. I like them as much as anyone but I would never, ever fawn over them the way some of these guys did.

***

Hyper Dweeb is first up on the shoot. He sits oiling up Ali’s back while the others watch. He’s the lucky recipient of the slap, which requires nine takes. Perhaps that’s a sneak peak into their future if the High Maintainance one is true to her word.

The Midget Weather Dufus was shaking throughout all of this. He whispered to Ali that as much as he wants to kiss her, if she doesn’t want to, he’s fine with it. Their scene called for a romantic smooch. We see a series of awkward kisses and misses. As the guys give him the gears, he cries a little bit. Ali sees this and makes sure to loosen him up on the next take. And it’s a doozy. Big Ears suggests it might have been the Weather Man’s first kiss ever. I think he might be right. At least with a girl.

***

At the wrap party, Ali grabs Cape Cod. She asks why he has a tattoo of his mom’s signature on his torso. He finally reveals that his mom passed away 1.5 years ago despite telling Ali his parents were still together. The Midget Weather Dufus interrupts because he needed to talk to her about their scene in the video. It looks like he’s going to come out of the closet but he’s quickly interrupted by Ugly Craig.

Next date card at the house: Hunter (Uke Wiz). “Home is where the heart is.” Anonymous Steve (I believe I also called him the Front Runner and then Bones) is frustrated at his lack of action.

Frank, aka Hyper Dweeb, is visibly seething at Origami Kirk who takes Ali into the hot tub. Those two had the steamiest fake kiss on the video shoot but they kiss for realsies in the tub. It feels so real, so right, he tells us. The Midget Weather Dufus and Hyper Dweeb are broken men. It’s kind of pathetic. As the guys gather in the pool, Origami Kirk gets the rose, which makes him feel so light and so good. To recap, on this evening things have felt real, right, light and good with Origami Kirk.

We see the video. Or parts of it, anyway. That was a quick edit. Not one of the Ladies’ better efforts.

***

The hobbled Wrassler needs to make a quick impression because he can’t do a lot of the stuff the others can. Like hop in the swimming pool with his cast on, for example. So he sneaks out of the house and hops down the street on his crutches on his way to Ali’s house. He walks in as she’s doing an interview about why she picked the Uke Wiz for the date today. Good thing she was home. She thinks the fact he hopped a couple miles to see her is “kind of a turn-on”. Interesting.

The Wrassler knows his actions were a huge move and the guys would turn on him in two seconds if they found out what he did. But he doesn’t care. And he’s right.

***

The Uke Wiz is waiting around, waiting around, for his one-on-one date. He’s not exactly a looker, is he? My prediction is he doesn’t get a rose. They stick around Ali’s residence and cook up some barbecue burgers and hot dogs. They talk about their broken homes. Seems to be a theme on the show tonight.

Uke Wiz says he’d be more than happy to cook, clean and take care of the kids if she wanted to work all the time as long as she came back and kissed him goodnight. Good move. Chicks dig guys with no ambition. He’s a slow-paced guy, he says. He’s also a goner.

In the hot tub, they are not feeling it. Well, she isn’t, anyway. She does the classic sneaky move-away move. This is the slowest date we’ve ever seen in this series but in priceless fashion the Uke Wiz tells us he isn’t happy because he usually works even slower! What did I tell you? Gonzo. He should have brought out the ukulele again.

***

The Wrassler tries to convince the guys that he’d give up everything for Ali. They're not buying it. To drive his point home, he ends his speech with some tears. Are they real or wrassling tears, the weird voiced guy wonders. Good question. Not sure.

Ali breaks it to the Uke Wiz that he ain’t getting the rose. There’s not a strong romantic connection, she reveals. Geez, that came as a shocker. He’s sad but I think he’s going to be okay. He knows he choked. That’s what he gets for moving so fast.

When his bags get removed from the mansion, the Wrassler gloats, which doesn’t go over too well. He’s got the Bizarro Midas Touch. Nobody likes him, but he’s got to be the most likable bad guy in the history of the show.

***

At the cocktail party, Ali is confidant that her future husband is there. Bets, anyone?

Frank, the Hyper Dweeb, isn’t so hyper anymore, but he’s still a dweeb. He’s obsessing over her. He kinda looks like Jason of Jason & Molly fame. Or at least has that feel about him. Anybody?

The Wrassler pulls a great move, pre-ratting himself out to Ali so he won’t have to be on the defensive when someone inevitably tells Ali he’s there for the wrong reasons. Ali’s on his side.

Anonymous Steve pulls out a blanket for the two of them. He brings a bottle of champagne. It took him a while to open it as he fumbled around, but at least he maintained his sense of humour, which I would think should get him some points.

Big Ears calls the Wrassler “Mr. Jeckyll and Hyde”. I guess this was pre-med Jeckyll. He’s talking to the guys about how false the Wrassler is, and guess who’s standing right behind him the whole time? You’re good. It’s like 12 Angry Men deciding the fate of the defendant. Big Ears thinks the Wrassler is two-faced. Maybe so, but at least his ears are human sized.

***

Clemente decides he needs to tell Ali his impressions of the Wrassler. I expected better from Roberto. Ali lets it slip that the Wrassler walked to her house. Clemente then goes and gossips to the others. A posse is formed, torches are lit and they approach him.

They ask and he responds, “Yes, I did.” Calmly. Like I said, most likable villain ever. Ugly Craig says he doesn’t trust the Wrassler’s intentions. He says he’s a bullshit detector. That’s what he does for a living. Need I remind you that Ugly Craig is a lawyer, so he knows bullshit? The Wrassler can’t understand why everything he does backfires. He’s upset and angry and sheds another tear. He plays the villain in the wrestling world but isn’t used to it in real life. He should just do the flying clothesline on them to settle it once and for all.

Ugly Craig is quite confidant the Wrassler is going home tonight. Even the Wrassler isn’t so sure, that’s how sensitive a villain he is.

***

Final rose ceremony: 13 guys left. Origami Kirk and Clemente are already in. Nine roses left. Two go home. I’m betting Ugly Craig and Cubic Zirconian are going home. Maybe the Weather Man. Here are Ali’s picks:

3. Cape Cod
4. Tattoo, who’s wearing jeans. Remember he only owns two jackets and he’s shown them both already.
5. Chris N., whoever he is. Oh, yeah, Magic.
6. Big Ears
7. Kasey the Desperate Dud
8. Ugly Craig. Go figure. What do I know?
9. Hyper Dweeb
10. Midget Weather Dufus
11. The Wrassler

That means Anonymous Steve (aka Bones, aka the Front Runner) is gone. He never should have showed his body. He’s shocked. Also gone is Cubic Zirconian, who’s pissed because the Wrassler is still there. He’s a genuine guy, he says, forgetting that he introduced himself to Ali and us by giving her a fake ring. One thing is clear: she genuinely didn’t want him around.

Next week they go to New York and Kasey the Desperate Dud looks like he might be the new villain. Here’s hoping. I can’t listen to that voice much longer.

Week 2: Danger lurks

Oh, good Lord. Is it Monday already? It’s my basketball night. This means a late night as I get home, fire up the PVR and watch what everyone has seen already, working late into the night so you’ll be able to enjoy a write-up with your morning coffee. Or something like that.

Some anonymous person commented that I was a little harsh in calling sweet Ali “chunky” last week. I place no value judgment on such a descriptive. Hot women come in all shapes and sizes... Well, maybe not all, but certainly a little chunky is okay. And it’s all relative anyway. We’re only comparing her to all the previous rail thin Bachelorettes. Anyway, I’ll take a closer look tonight. Her chunk, I thought, is more in the lower half, from the ankles to the butt, but point taken. She’s still a looker. Feel free to disagree with anything I write here. But Anonymous, I will never rescind my gold-star rating for Jillian. She can do no wrong in my book (except for choosing that dolt, Ed).

Enough chit-chat. On with the show!

Chris informs the guys what’s going down this week: Not everyone gets a date this week. Hyper Dweeb Frank gets a one-on-one date that says, “All signs point to love.” Hmm, could it be the big Hollywood sign we saw in the promo? Probably. The Dweeb is practically hyperventilating. When he wears his glasses, he looks a bit like the funny guy from a couple seasons ago. I forget his name. He’s from Philly and I really liked him. You know who I mean. The one Jillian should have chosen. The difference is that the Philly guy was actually funny. The Dweeb is just annoying and over-the-top.

We see Ali doing her hair in the mirror. She’s wearing more make-up than she probably has worn cumulatively in her life up to this point. She’s a natural beauty; she doesn’t need the help. Then again, the make-up is trying in vain to cover up that big zit on her chin.

She says the Dweeb impressed her the first night and he seems like he’s a lot of fun. Sigh. Oh, Ali. Is that all it takes? I guess just about anyone is funny compared to Jake, but still.

Weather Man thinks he has the best personality of all the 17 guys. He’s one step up from A.M. deejay, for the love of God, and just down from insurance salesman. Get a grip. He’s already whining that he hasn’t had the chance to make a connection yet, four minutes into the second episode.

I gotta admit that Ali, in her yellow top and capri pants, is looking very cute and not in the least chunky. I think ABC must have supplied her with a personal trainer in the off-season.

As they drive off in a classic convertible, Ali says they’re going to be doing “funny, silly things” today. The Dweeb will take that to mean being loud. Count on it.

“I’ve got a beautiful girl, we’re in a beautiful car cruising down the highway, what could go wrong?” Well, considering that was a voice-over after-the-fact, the Dweeb knew exactly what went wrong. The car broke down. There was a knockin’ in the engine and Bob Hope wasn’t there to help. (You older readers will understand that reference.)

Do you think the producers rigged the car to test the Dweeb? If so, he failed miserably. Didn’t even open the hood to pretend to be looking for something.

***

They just hop out of the car and run down the side of the highway. And she’s impressed that the Dweeb just went with it. She impresses easily. At least she isn’t a princess who demanded he fix the car.

They take a van to Hollywood where Ali is accosted by fans who want her autograph. She plays right along and hams it up for photos. The Dweeb does, too, and “that’s exactly the type of man” she wants to be with.

Ugly Craig has a tete-a-tete by the pool with the Wrassler (Rated R’s new nickname as decided by me). Ugly Craig doesn’t like the fact the Wrassler didn’t tell him right off the bat what he did for a living. I think Ugly Craig is jealous.

Ali kind of has a young Jody Foster look to her, doesn’t she? That’s a good thing, even if Jody plays for the other team.

Ali and the Dweeb walk down the mountain (hill?) and sit by the famous Hollywood sign. She wants to know about his time in Paris where he lived after he gave up his job to write screenplays. I’m just guessing here, but I’m gonna say it wasn’t a success, given that the graphics identify him as a “retail manager”. But at least the Dweeb is honest about it, telling her he manages a retail store while he writes. Or maybe he’s just delusional.

The Dweeb tells Ali that a career will always be there and one can always jump back into said career later but we only have so many shots at finding love. Ali knows that all too well now after her ridiculous decision to go back to her wonderful job at Facebook last season. So wonderful she quit it a few weeks later. Hey, it’s been two straight seasons where someone’s had to make the tough choice between love and job. I wonder if someone will pull that card again this season.

They kiss under the Hollywood sign. The Dweeb is already starting to feel something for her. It looks mutual.

***

Ali is so happy she’s met someone like the Dweeb. He seems to have settled down a bit. He doesn’t need to get noticed anymore and is more tolerable. I think they even make a good couple. God, I’m a suck.

As they sit on the hood of the now fixed classic convertible overlooking Los Angeles, Ali tells the Dweeb he has the four things she’s looking for:

1. He’s funny. “So funny.” (I know. Can you believe it?)
   
2. Smart.
   
3. Quirky (which she pronounces “quarky”). “There’s nothing normal about you,” she tells him. Oh, Ali, you charmer!
   
4. ... Well, three things, apparently. She never does mention the fourth.
   

Back at the house, the group date card is read by Big Ear Ty. The group consists of Weather Man, Big Ears, Vancouver Chris (we’ll call him Homeboy from now on), Origami Kirk (gotta find him a new nickname), the Uke Wiz, Tyler B. (again, we’ll find him a moniker, don’t you fret), Steve the Front Runner (ditto), Ugly Craig, Chris the Magician (ditto), the Sarnia Sleaze, the Wrassler, and ...

Wait just a second here. I actually paused this at the date card so I could read the names off the list. Then I hit play and listened to Big Ears read the list and it was different! He read Jason’s name and it was not on the list. And he didn’t read Kasey’s name, which was last on the list. I wonder what happened. Ah, good old deceitful reality television.

Anyway, the clue for the date is, “Picture us together.” And now the bitchiness starts. Weather Man isn’t thrilled with being on a date with the Sarnia Sleaze. Weather Man thinks the Sarnia Sleaze is “not a good person. Period”. Then the Sleaze takes a shot at the guy with the back full of tattoos. (I don’t know who this is. I’m just learning these characters.) The Sleaze says, “I want to know what Ali’s going to think when she sees your [bleeping] tattoos.” It gets a big laugh from the subject of the attact, so he follows it up with, “Are you serious? Did your mom do that for you?” Ah, he’s a good Canadian kid with good Canadian values. No one has tattoos up in the Great White North unless they’re in a gang. Or entertainment wrestling. Am I right, fellow Canucks? He keeps going, saying he doesn’t think Ali is looking for a man with a lot of tattoos. Yeah, he’s being a jerk, but he’s probably right. We’ll see, anyway.

And it just gets better in the kitchen. The Sarnia Sleaze won’t let it go. He’s hammering away at Tattoo, who’s taking it well until Sarnia gives him a little push in the back. But the Wrassler comes in and leads the Sleaze away. The Sleaze is kinda proud of himself that he got Tattoo going. It’s a game for him.

See, this is the difference between men and women. Ply the ladies with alcohol and there are tears; ply the guys and there’s the threat of violence.

Back on the hillside, Ali and the Dweeb are drinking. That’s a good example to set for America, isn’t it? Drink then drive.

The Dweeb gets the rose and they smooch on the hood of the car, pissed out of their minds. Then they hop in the car and drive home, only killing two people along the way.

***

Group date time. Ali’s parading around in a bikini top and... pants! Aha! Did I not say she was a little chunky from the waste down? But she looks fine up top when she sucks in her gut.

They’re in Malibu for a photo shoot. It’s a sexy guy calendar. Keep in mind, this is not a blatant attempt by Ali to see the guys’ packages in their Speedos, nor is it a blatant attempt by the network to draw in female viewers. No siree, Bob. This is for charity. They’re giving back to the community, damnit!

Good Lord, they just showed Tyler V. talking to the camera. That guy’s got zero charisma and no looks. Should we call him Zed? I think so. Not that we’re going to call him anything for long... Weird. Last week I called him Tyler B. This week he’s Tyler V. Did I get that wrong or did they change his name? Just what I thought. They must have changed his name because I don’t usually make mistakes.

Zed says it dawned on him that he might be on somebody’s wall. I’m guessing they’ll put him on February if they want to move these calendars. No need to look at that guy for more than 28 days.

Too funny. Every time they show Ugly Craig in his red Speedo, they blur out his package. What does that mean?

Weather Man is anxious, nervous and a little stressed. Suffice it to say he doesn’t quite have the body of, oh, say, Steve the Front Runner, who looks positively anorexic. Yeah, he’s got abs but you can also see his spine from the front. Not a good look. I think we have a new nickname for him, though: Bones.

Big Ears serenades Ali on the beach with some twangy song accompanying himself on guitar. Ali isn’t swooning. Jillian would be in the guy’s shorts by this point. Ugly Craig hits the nail on the head, saying, “What’s with the Bachelorette and guitar players? It’s like, oh my God, man. Come on, bro.” I couldn't have said it any better myself.

***

At night, Ali is wearing a mini skirt. And her legs and ankles look fine. See, I’m big enough to admit I made a mistake.

Big Ears lets Ali know he was married for two years. Ali didn’t run in horror the other way. Imagine. They always make it out to be this big, horrible secret but nobody these days cares. Then again, has anyone ever been given the final rose who has been divorced? Hmm.

Weather Man thinks the Sarnia Sleaze is “totally out of his mind”. He’s “a category 6 asshole, which is off the charts.” We see a series of out of context crazy shots of SS staring menacingly, as if to drive his point home. Then the little Weather Man shows us his brown belt moves, striking fear into one and all. He really thinks Sarnia is a dangerous guy. I don’t see it.

Weather Man runs off to Ali to give his opinion. He’s looking really, shall we say, metrosexual. He’s basically playing the Ali role from last season. She’s gotta listen to him since she did the exact same thing to Vienna.

Back at the house, another date card arrives. “Use these when the time is right.” In a box are cufflinks. Who’s initials are J.B.? Why, it’s Jesse the Mumbler.

The Wrassler hobbles down to see Ali for some one-on-one time. Ali by this point is slurring her words. She cuddles up to the Wrassler and slurs, “I like you.”

The rose goes to Big Ears, the divorcé. Weather Man is still stewing over the Sarnia Sleaze. It’s uncanny the parallels to Ali from last season. He’s saying if she keeps the Sleaze around, he’s going home because it’s a huge red flag.

***

Time for the date with the Mumbler. Ah! He’s the one with the tatts. So let’s ditch the Mumbler moniker and stick with Tattoo, in homage to Hervé Villechaize. We’ll see if the Sarnia Sleaze is right about Ali not wanting a guy with so much ink.

They’re going on a private jet. Which reminds me: We’re halfway through episode two already and nary a sign of a helicopter. What gives? Maybe they’re switching things up this season. She asks how he feels about small planes. And Tattoo, the general contractor, shows off his English skills with this ditty: “I don’t know. I’ve never rode one before.” Grammar nerds everywhere run screaming.

They jet off to Vegas. Ali hates flying, bless her heart. She says just because she flew once with Jake doesn’t mean she’s not afraid of flying anymore. But hang on there a second, missy. She was all over the freakin’ globe last season, and will be again this season. I’m pretty sure they didn’t send her by cargo ship.

A red convertible Ferrari awaits them and Ali, again, hops in the driver’s seat. She takes them to a pool so if Tattoo thought he could hide his ink work for one more episode, he’s got another think coming. And fast.

As Ali comes out of the change room, she tries to mask her shock at seeing Tattoo’s upper torso. She doesn’t mention a thing. It’s the elephant in the room.

***

The couple plays dress-up and they sit down to dinner at a table for two. The window curtains rise to reveal a stunning view, yet the chairs are facing away from the windows. Ali tells us she isn’t sure if Tattoo will get a rose tonight. She knows he’s a nice guy but she needs to know if there’s a connection or not. Say it, Ali! Just admit you can’t see yourself dating a guy with so many tattoos!

He does seem sweet, though, I have to admit. Sweet and simple.

Back at the house, I’m beginning to warm to the Sarnia Sleaze. He’s chosen Weather Man as his foil, but he does it with a wink in his eye. I think he means well. But Weather Man can’t take the ribbing.

Tattoo gets the rose and a sisterly hug. The evening is capped off with a private concert by Jimmy Kong? Who? I didn’t catch the name and I certainly don’t recognize him or his music. That’s great publicity for the guy, isn’t it?

***

Cocktail party. She makes a point of sitting down with the guys who didn’t get a date this week. She’s a sweetie. First up is Cape Cod Chris, who sealed his spot next week with his humour by re-introducing himself to her. Then Roberto tells her he travels the world and plays baseball. He was drafted by the Rockies and Twins. Is that right? Can two teams draft the same player or is he full of it? She likes him. He’s a shoe-in, too. I called him Creepy Roberto last week but I take that back. He seems like a good guy. Let’s call him Clemente instead. Baseball fans will get it.

The Dweeb is a writer, remember? He just said he wants it to be “her and I” again. Doh! Oh well, that’s what they have editors for, I guess.

Kasey the Desperate Dud, who was robbed when his name wasn’t read off the group date card even though it was on it, sits down briefly with Ali but is interrupted by the horny Dweeb, who already has a rose. There ought to be a rule about that. If you’ve got a rose, you don’t get one-on-one time at the cocktail party. Who’s with me on that one?

The Hyper Dweeb is getting weird. He tells her that since their one-on-one date, he feels like she’s his girlfriend. And he had to watch other guys go on dates with his girlfriend. Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! He kisses her and the guys all see it. They’re not thrilled.

***

The tension is escalating between Weather Man and the Sarnia Sleaze. Who does the Sarnia Sleaze look like? He’s a handsome guy. He looks like some famous actor. Is it Michael Douglas? I don’t think so. But somebody like him. Help me out, readers.

Weather Man is whining to Ali. He keeps telling her SS is dangerous, which I think is unfair. We’ve seen no evidence of danger. But when Ali gets some time with the Canadian bad boy, she does call him out on his feelings. She points out his distancing body language, the fact he looks away from her, and hasn’t asked one question about her even though he says he wants to get to know her. She’s very astute, that one. He stammers. He’s not doing well. Shoulda nicknamed him Toast, because that's what he is now. Back to Sarnia you go.

***

Sarnia calls in all the guys into the house to confront them about who told Ali he was dangerous. He wants to know who said it. He pegs Weather Man, who does a little dance, verbally speaking, but never cops to the charge. I love the fact he calls him Weather Man, admitting he doesn’t even know his first name. I’ve never been a bully, and I can sort of see where Sarnia might be one, but I still think he’s kinda funny. I don’t think he’s right for Ali, but I doubt he’s dangerous. He just likes ribbing guys.

***

Here’s the rose ceremony. Hyper Dweeb, Big Ears and Tattoo already have roses so they’re in the clear. Here are the other 11 Ali chooses:

4. Kasey the Desperate Dud. Clearly a pity rose.
5. The Uke Wiz. Seems she’s giving roses to all the invisible guys this week.
6. Clemente.
7. Cape Cod
8. The Wrassler
9. Bones
10. Origami (he didn’t do enough this episode for me to figure out another name for him)
11. Cubic Zirconian (again, he was invisible so this nickname will have to do for now)
12. Ugly Craig (that nickname ain't going anywhere! It's gold, baby, gold!)
13. Magic (seriously, she’s just picking guys who had no presence this week. This was the guy who made a rose appear when he first met her. Until he does something of substance, we’ll have to keep him as Magic in honour of my all-time favourite basketball player)

and the final rose goes to...

But wait. I’m paused here on a frame before she gives out the final rose and it’s a two-shot of the Sarnia Sleaze and Weather Man. This is the shot where they're supposed to be standing there fretting about who will get the final rose. And Weather Man is wearing a rose! What the hell? There’s some really sloppy editing this week.

Okay, roll tape. The final rose goes to...

14. Weather Man. Duh. Great job, editors.

That leaves who out in the cold? Zed, who says he did not see that coming. Well, he was the only one. The Sarnia Sleaze, who says she missed a huge opportunity in not giving him a rose. He does have big balls, you gotta admit. Maybe I like him because he calls everyone by a nickname, too: “I have a hard time respecting her decision on keeping the Weather Man and the Wrassler here.” Seriously! He said that! And then adds, pointing to his face, “I mean, over this? Come on.” Nice touch. And to cap it all off, he’s hoping there are a few attractive women on the flight back home because he’s going to need that extra attention. Living up to his name, he is.

Even with only three guys being sent home, the show can’t even bother to give the third one any air time. Let me go back over my notes to figure out who it was. Hang on...

What?! Was it my Homeboy? Really? That can’t be. The guy was a prince. She chose Ugly Craig and the Midget Weather Man (new nickname alert) over him? For shame. I demand a recount.

Well, that’s it. Two Canadians eliminated and the third in hot water. ABC is making us out to look bad. I think they’re probably working on behalf of the U.S. government to make the inevitable invasion palatable.

Either that or Ali just hates Canadians.


Talk to you next week. Leave your thoughts on the show in the comments section. And vote in the poll!

The Bachelorette: Take This Job and Shove It!

So we’re back. I’ve got to say I’ve thought not a whit about the upcoming season. On my way to a barbecue on this Canadian holiday, my wife says we forgot to record The Bachelorette. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t even know it was on. But we made it back with time to spare so here we are.

Now, who is this year’s hero/ine? Ah, yes, the lovely whatserface.... Seriously, what is her name? Ali? I can picture her. I’ll get caught up soon enough. The show doesn’t start for another 20 minutes. She’s an interesting one. The last two Bachelor/ettes were Jake and Jillian and when each were lowly contestants, they were kinda golden. There was really nothing bad about either one. Then, when faced with the spotlight every week, we could see their faults (well, Jake’s faults, anyway; Jillian will always and forever remain golden in my eyes).

But Ali had her ups and downs last season. She started out, if you’ll recall (and I barely do) as the Frontrunner. Then her cattiness surfaced and I didn’t know what to make of her. Still, as the season wore on and the producers realized she was America’s sweetheart, they cut out all her bad parts and here we are. Should be an interesting season. We’ll see which one of these losers she gets saddled with.

Does anyone know what’s up with Jake and his bride-to-be? Are they still pretending to love each other? I don’t follow these things outside the season and don’t read the tabloids. But if there’s any good gossip I should know, or comments about this season, please, by all means, leave a comment. I love to read them.

Which leads me to my credo: No Spoilers. I’m not Reality Steve. I’ve got a life. I watch the show once a week, then forget about until the following week. Plus, I think spoilers, well, er, spoil the experience. Why try to find out who won or who will get the boot before we see it? Isn’t most of the fun seeing the show as it happens? So if you want all the juicy gossip, go visit the bitchy Reality Steve. Here, I’ll just stick to the show.

Speaking of which, let’s get started already!

Last season was The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. Why doesn't Ali rate a subtitle? We've got to come up with one for her. How about The Bachelorette: Take This Job and Shove It! Ah yes, Chris Harrison reminds us of the “shocking end” last season when Ali was forced to choose between her “dream job” and “the love of her life”. How long did that last? A couple weeks? Hate to think how long she would have lasted with Jake. This time she’s going to put everything she has into the show and relationship. She’ll stay with the new guy at least a month.

Montage of Ali in repose, kicking a soccer ball, walking the beach. I think she’s really cute and smart, but I think she’s possibly the chunkiest Bachelorette ever. At the very least, it’s a toss-up between her and DeAnna.

Montage of the guys. Testosterone a-flowing. Jesus, these producers have got to get a handle on this show. By their own admission, they choose contestants based on drama and TV, but they should weed them out a little better. One of these years, they’ll regret it when some psycho won’t let go. If Ali is choosing love, shouldn’t the producers be a little more responsible?

***

Quick capsule reviews of a few of the guys:

• Frank is a little hyper dweeb.
• Jay is a lawyer. Slimy.
• Craig M. lives in downtown Toronto. He hits the clubs, is definitely good with the girls. Permanent 5 o’clock shadow. He’s full of it.
• Kyle, mountain man from Colorado. We see him ice fishing. Out in the wilds, there are no women. He needs a woman to take care of him and his dog.. He’s a killer with a choker.
• Justin, pro wrestler from Toronto. Plays the bad guy; is a good boy. I bet he’s a front runner.
• Phil, 30, investment manager. Trains for triathlons since the death of his younger brother. Looks like another front runner.
• Jonathan, a weatherman. Oh good lord. Secret weapon: humour. You know how funny weatherpeople are. Right? Oh, they’re a laugh-a-minute those weatherpeople. This can’t help his career at all.
• Ty from Tennessee. Does everything with his dog. Big ears. Was married for two years. Recently divorced. Plays the guitar, as all southerners do, apparently. Well, Wes did, anyway.
• Chris, former high school math teacher from Cape Cod. Now a landscaper. Mom died. Life is short, he now realizes.
• And others that go by too quick. One is tattooed and does push-ups, which go hand-in-hand.

***

It’s funny, isn’t it, hearing all these studs talking about last season. If you paid me, I couldn’t find five guys who admit to watching this series, yet these playahs, who hit the clubs or live in the wilderness all make this appointment TV. Glad to know I’m not the only one.

Ali sits down with Chris. She’s all dolled up. It doesn’t really suit her. She’s more a down-home all-American natural girl. She says she’s given up so much to be here (her job and apartment, anyway) but they all say that. I can't stress this enough: Ali’s given up absolutely nothing. She’s making a ton of money and getting fame that could launch her in a new career if nothing else. A lasting relationship is just icing on the cake.

Now it’s time to meet the guys. Well, right after the break. I forgot how they have to stretch 45 minutes of show over 2 hours.

***

The journey begins. Here come the yelping yahoos.

First out a handsome devil from my hometown! Chris H. says he’s a real estate developer. He’s a charmer and not in a sleazy way. Good Canadian kid. I like him.

Jesse is only 24. He mumbles. Makes a lame joke about his hometown.

Chris L., the Cape Cod former teacher. Seems decent. Ali will see him inside. (She said that about five times. Awkward.)

Ty lays on the compliments. Ah, he’s the Tennessee boy. No real feelings one way or the other yet.

The next guy is the hyper dweeb. He climbs out the sun roof. Frank is his name. He tries way too stinkin’ hard. He’ll stick around but oh how I long for the day he’s sent home.

Here comes the broken-footed pro wrestler. Justin is his name. He says he’s from “Toronto, Ontario, Canada.” Why stop there, Justin? You forgot to say North America and Planet Earth.

Jay the slimy lawyer is next. He looks her up and down, undressing her with his eyes. He’s got a haircut from the 1970s.

Chris N. The third Chris. This is ridiculous. They should allow only one person of the same name. It’s too confusing. He pulls a rose out of thin air.

Kasey is a bit of a dud. Gives a little speech. Desperate.

The last guy in every car is a goof. This one is Kyle, who mime-reels her in. You see, Kyle likes fishing. You see what he's doing?

Roberto is an insurance agent. He speaks Spanish to her. She likes him. I don’t see it.

Craig M. says he’s so happy she’s not Vienna. Good opening line. But he’s oily. He’s also from Toronto.

John N. has some blindingly white teeth. That’s all I got on John N.

Tyler is in online advertising. Broke, in other words. Seems like a bit of a geek.

John C. Nerdy. Gets down on one knee and asks her to accept this genuine cubic zirconian ring. At least it’s original.

***

The last ten.

Jonathan, the weatherman. He tells her that right off the bat. He must be proud of his job, or thinks Ali is impressed with anyone on TV, no matter what entry-level job they hold.

Craig R. Really? Another Craig? Seriously? Doesn’t matter because he’s not sticking around. But just in case, we’ll call him Ugly Craig. Because he is.

Steve. He’s a front runner, I would think. So much so that I have nothing to say about him. He’s too normal.

Kirk demands a hug right away. Does origami. Poorly. Makes her a rose out of a red paper napkin.

Tyler M, aka Cowboy Boots. No tie, either. Oh, this is classic!: He says how he remembered Ali was wearing cowboy boots when she got out of her limo. Oops! Uh... not so much, Tyler M. It wasn’t her, she tells him. That is freakin’ awesome! That is one beautiful opening line. He thought about it for months and came up with something that was completely wrong! Sometimes this series is just too awesome.

Hunter comes in for a hug. He planned something humorous to say but her beauty took it away. And he really has to take a whiz.

Derek looks weird. Chucks a leaf at her. He is weird.

Phil, calls himself Philip. Pretentious twat.

Derrick calls himself Shooter. He’s the designated no-hope guy.

Jason gets out the wrong side of the limo and walks over the car and does a back flip, which he hopes compensates for his lack of personality.

Ali thinks her husband is in the house. We shall see.

***

Let the alcohol flow and the fisticuffs begin! Who will the troublemakers be? Hard to tell right now. Roberto described Ali as “superfly” so he might be a candidate.

And the stealing away begins. And surprise, surprise, it’s the hyper dweeb Frank who does it.

But wait, one guy made a scrapbook for her. It’s Kirk. It ain’t gonna pay off. I hope not, anyway. His origami rose sucked so I don’t think the scrapbook will be any good. He describes his mom as “gorgeous”. That can’t be a good sign. Mama’s boy.

Kasey’s voice puts me to sleep. He says he’s a mama’s boy. Calls his dad out on national TV saying he cheated on his mom. Ali likes him. Then again, she fell in love with Jake so what does she know?

Hunter serenades her on his ukulele. He’s not bad. He can play and the song is semi-entertaining. Jason is jealous. We’ll call him Jealous Jason. Jason, remember, is the boring backflip guy. He’s trouble.

Shooter’s strategy is to be himself. Here’s the story of his name. It’s embarrassing. He’s a premature ejaculator! Let me understand... He can’t keep it going in the sack, tells his buddies, they in turn give him an embarrassing nickname, and he, in turn, KEEPS IT! And introduces himself as Shooter on national TV! Nice strategy, Shooter. Don’t get to know her first. Just blurt out your big funny secret on your first sit-down together. But I guess he’s living up to his name, isn’t he? Blowing his load right off the bat. Alright, move on, big Shooter. You had your 15 minutes of fame.

Craig M., from Toronto, is jealous of the weatherman, who wouldn’t let him or Ali get a word in edgewise. The Weatherman didn’t appreciate being patronized. Everyone should bow down to the Weather God. Don't they realize he's on TV?!

The first impression rose comes out and it changes everything. It’s real now. Oh yes, the game is afoot!

***

Ali wants to know all about Roberto. She thinks he’s handsome. She’s staring into his soul. She’s lost in his dimple. He’s sticking around for sure. I think he’s going to be a crazy. And not just because he salsa dances with her, but that’s a big part of it.

Cape Cod former teacher says she looks “wicked awesome”. He also says he’s a mama’s boy. That’s three so far. She asks if her parents are still together. He lies and says yes. But it’s a good lie. He didn’t want to get all emotional on that first meeting. Good for him. Don’t play the sympathy card too soon. There’s plenty of time for that. It’s all about peeling back the layers.

Jay the lawyer shows some humility, saying he dropped the ball and probably wouldn’t be getting a rose. He had one chance, he says, and blew it. I like him a little more now.

Justin, the Pro Wrestler says he does “a little bit of professional wrestling”. What does that mean? Does he have another job? He shows her his Rated R T-shirt. How did he choose this character? The guy is a pussycat. He’s totally G-rated. Some of the guys think he’s “here for the wrong reasons”. There’s always one. I don’t see it, though. Craig R. is already tattling, telling Ali that some aren’t there for the right reasons. Like he knows this soon into it.

But then Chris brings out a box. Each person is supposed to write the name of someone who’s not there for the right reasons. Hyper Dweeb Frank says someone’s going home because of it, but I didn’t hear Chris say any such thing. I might have missed it, sure, but they’ve done this the past couple of seasons and no one’s ever gone home. I’m sure she doesn’t even know the names of everyone yet.

***

Jesse is still mumbling. I’m gonna call him the Mumbler. He tells her the suit he’s wearing is the first one he’s ever bought. So he mumbles and doesn’t dress well. Got it.

The rose goes to... who? She creeps throughout the house and gives it to Creepy Roberto. You could tell by the way she was looking at him. Man, I thought for sure it was going to be Shooter.

Chris announces the results of the poll. One guy was overwhelmingly voted as the guy here for the wrong reasons. It’s all up to Ali whether he stays or goes. And it’s Justin the Rated-R Canadian pro-wrestler. He’s floored. He seems like a good guy but we’re only getting the edit. I bet he sticks around.

He talks to her and she looks skeptical. He tells her he’s passionate about wrestling and realizes maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned it on the first date. Ali thanks the guys, but gives Justin a rose anyway. That’d be a fail, fellas. She has good sense.

Ugly Craig doesn’t trust Justin, though. Ugly guys rarely trust good looking guys.

***

And now it’s rose ceremony time. The G-rated Rated R and Creepy Roberto are sticking around. Now let’s see who else is. It’s kind of early. Maybe there’ll be some drama after the ceremony. But here they are:

3. Jesse the Mumbler

4. Big-Ear Tennessee Ty.

5. Ugly Craig. So I was wrong.

6. Tyler B, the broke online advertising guy

7. Hyper Dweeb Frank

8. Steve the front runner. Or one of them, anyway.

9. Cape Cod Chris

10. Origami Kirk

11. John C., the nerdy guy with the cubic zirconian gag

12. Chris N., who magically pulled a rose out of thin air

13. Chris H. from Vancouver

14. Hunter, who had to take a whiz and played the ukulele. We’ll call him the Uke Wiz.

15. Craig M., the Sarnia Sleaze (that’d be Toronto for all you non-Canadians)

16. Jonathan the Weatherman. It’ll be sunny in his world.

And the final rose goes to:

17. Kasey the Desperate Dud

That means these eight guys are gone:

1. Kyle, the ice-fisher, says he feels like a failure.
2. Shooter is going home to jerk off.
3. Jay the lawyer says he would have sent himself home. He didn’t bring it.

And that’s all the producers felt we needed to know about. But I’ll tell you who else didn’t make it:

4. John N., with blindingly white teeth.
5. Tyler M., who mistook Ali for someone who wore cowboy boots.
6. Derek, who chucked a leaf at her.
7. Phil, who called himself Philip.
8. Backflip Jason.

That’s it. Your winners and losers, ladies and gentlemen.

***

Upcoming highlights: Turkey, Iceland, Portugal, Tahiti. We see Ali getting it on with just about everyone. Looks like Craig, the Sarnia Sleaze, is a problem. We see an ambulance. We see someone has a girlfriend. We see Ali confronting the jerk. We see Ali breaking down in paradise. We see her having self-doubt. We see her dancing on a bed. Best season ever? It might very well be. We’ll see.

How does it stack up to past seasons? What do you think? Leave a comment. I think it looks okay. I’ll be back. See you next week.