Juan Pablo 3: Gooooaaaal!

Hello there, boys and girls. Welcome back to Week 3 of Juan Pablo. And thank you for not calling me out on writing "Juan Paolo" last week. It was a mental blip. I've since gone back into the last post and edited my mistake so no one will be the wiser. I think that's poor blog etiquette. So sue me.

We were down to 15 this week from the original 27. So far, nobody seems too crazy. I like that. Oh, sure, there are still tears and hurt feelings, but nothing too far over-the-top.

We started the episode with JP and his daughter on a picnic. His parents are looking after her while he's on this noble quest for a step-mom. When it's time to go, he gives both mom and dad a peck on the cheek, as per Latin custom. But then he gives his daughter a kiss on the lips. I know some people do this and I'm not suggesting anything creepy. But at what point does it become inappropriate to kiss one's child square on the lips? His mom just gets cheek so it's got to stop sometime.

LITERALLY count: "My mom literally puts me in a castle with the perfect guy." I can't remember who said it but she was the blonde whose deceased mom is looking over her. Literally. VERDICT: Incorrect usage.

He never cooked for Cassandra

The first one-on-one date went to Cassandra, the former NBA dancer with a two-year-old son who hasn't had a date in three years. Cassandra is 21 years old. Let's stop and think about that for a second. Why is her career over at the young age of 21? Why hasn't she had a date since she was 18? Sherlock to the rescue! While she was showing photos of her kid to JP, I thought the child looked like he might be half-black. I put two and two together and surmised that perhaps the father of the child was an NBA player, accounting for her being a "former" NBA dancer (relationships with the players are frowned upon). A quick Bing search and... ta-da! Nailed it. The boy's father is Detroit Pistons guard Rodney Stuckey. Here's the hyperlinked evidence.

Juan Pablo took Cassandra to an awaiting car. Cassandra said the car "kinda reminded me of a jeep." You know, in the same way jeeps remind one of jeeps. (Weird. Typing "jeep" three – now four – times and I start questioning if it's the word I'm looking for. It seems like a fake word to me now.) Anyway, yes, it was, in fact, a jeep. Only this jeep is also a -slash-motorboat. He drove right into a lake and zoomed around, just like they do in the future.

Then back at his place, JP showed her his kid's fridge art. I know whoever he picks has to love his daughter, but fridge art? That requires a lot of acting chops I just don't think these women can sustain.

Poor Cassandra. And shame on Rodney Stuckey. She said, "The last time a guy cooked for me was... never." No wonder she dumped that millionaire athlete. Although I guess maybe he just hired people to cook for him.

There was a bit of slow dancing in the house. Salsa, I think, but I can't be sure. It was sultry, though. They also tried to one-up each other with photos of their respective offspring. Blech. That's what Facebook is for. JP taunted her a bit for being "over-protective" because she didn't want to send her two-year-old to school. Man, they're hard-core in Venezuela.

Despite her over-protective tendencies, JP offered her the rose and she accepted. She's feeling better about being apart from her son now. "The last time I felt this way about a guy was three years ago," she said. Yes, when she was 18. So you know this is pretty freakin' serious.

JP said of Cassandra, "She's beautiful, she's funny, she dances." Keep in mind, English is his second language.

The group date saw the girls playing soccer at the home field of the LA Galaxy. JP, as you know, is pretty good at the sport. In fact, the narrative on the show is that he quit his professional soccer career when he had his daughter, the implication being that it wasn't just a concurrent event but a decision on his part to choose one over the other, as if they couldn't possibly co-exist. He still loves the game, though. He said, "I have Camila, but this is my other half." There's got to be a bigger story there, but this Sherlock has done his sleuthing for the week. Maybe one of my regulars can look into it for me. Comments are always welcome.

LITERALLY count: "The limo literally drives out onto the soccer field." – Renee. VERDICT: Correct. But really unnecessary. 

The women entered the stadium wearing the cliché black football stripe under the eyes. Do soccer players wear that, too? These ones did, anyway. Alli has played soccer her whole life so she had a bit of an advantage (not that I noticed how she played at all). Kelly, the lipstick-loving dog lover, never played before and didn't give much of an effort. Our gal Sharleen, however, was a real trouper. She had never played before, either. Never even worn cleats before. Remember, she's a classical musician and they're generally shunned in PE class. But she went all out, taking balls in her face and all over her body. That sentence has the potential to be taken out of context to everyone's delight but it is what it is. You know what I'm talking about.

Andi the DA scored a hat-trick, if that's what it's called in soccer when a player nets three goals. That's pretty impressive (unless you consider the level of the competition, in which case it's pathetic). Almost rose-worthy. Almost. All I could think watching these newbies run around the turf was they're going to be extremely sore the next day or two. If they were, they hid it well.

I don't know what this is

They had a little post-game bash at the stadium. Nurse Nikki was told by JP that she has a certain 'no sé que.' I don't know what that is. But boy, JP really goes all out with this Spanish thing, doesn't he? Why can't he just speak English and call it what it is: a je ne sais quoi. 

Andi necked with JP in the kitchen, hoping to further cement her rose status. Three goals and tongue? That's gotta be worth something.

LITERALLY count: "I literally had a dream last night that it was my [Elise's] date with Juan Pablo." – Elise. VERDICT: Well, if she really had a dream, then I guess it's correct, though highly unnecessary. But truth be told, I'd kill to hear the Martin Luther King, Jr. speech begin, "I literally have a dream!"

Sharleen took a stroll out to centrefield with Juan Pablo, admitting she was a little nervous. Why, you might ask? "I'm always a little nervous," she said. Fair enough. Her nervous tick is being overly polite. She's Canadian, after all. JP told her she has class. "That's a compliment," she responded. He said something else nice and she answered the same way: "That's a compliment." To her credit, she didn't call him sir this time.

He went in for a kiss and her back stiffened. But when he pulled away, as one does when your kissee is *literally* backing away, she then went in for a retake. Some of the gals witnessed the shenanigans even though they were well hidden in the middle of a soccer field. Andi was a tad grossed out since she had just made out with him moments earlier. She had felt the rose was hers up to that point. Because as we all know after 20 seasons, Bachelors usually only kiss one girl per episode.

I don't ever want to criticize my favourite Sharleen, but if JP is making future decisions based on kissing ability, she better brush up. Get the mirror ready.

So who would get the rose? The one with the no sé que: Nikki. Sharleen was rattled. "Are you serious?" she said. "I don't feel secure in my connection with him. I actually have not that much confidence in where I stand. It both surprises and bothers me that I care as much as I do."

Who was the last one-on-one date going to go to, Chelsie or Elise? Boy, they really wanted us to think about it, even though the description of the show on the TV guide told us it was going to be Chelsie. Who needs spoilers when the producers do all the work for them?

Elise was quite confident she was going to be chosen. Which brings us to...

No, really: Literally

LITERALLY count: "She literally seems like a baby." – 27-year-old Elise talking about 24-year-old Chelsie. VERDICT: I literally can't decide. But it's safe to say Elise literally talks like a child.

JP takes Chelsie to downtown Pasadena and cranks up the Venezuelan pop music in the car. I get wanting a strong connection with your culture and all but isn't he overdoing it? Then they go to a Venezuelan restaurant. I'm surprised he even consider dating a non-Venezuelan. Or maybe he's working for the Venezuelan Chamber of Commerce.

JP then leads Chelsie to a bridge. There's a small platform jutting out from the side of it. "What are we doing?" asks Chelsie. Not much of an imagination, that girl. Yes, they're going to jump off the bridge in a tandem bungee dive. Or are they???

Of course they are. We saw the upcoming highlights. There are no surprises on this show, remember. Chelsie stood on the platform and cowered, as any rational person would. "I don't know if I can," she trembled as they cut to commercial. Yawn.

When we returned from the break, old smoothy JP was working his magic. "Just do it for me," he growled sexily. Chelsie, the science educator, was worried she'd smash her head in the ground. I guess her love of science is only during working hours.

But they jump, as we've known they would for at least a week. And as they hang upside down bouncing, they enjoy their first kiss.

And of course we got the usual drivel about trust and relationships. "If you don't trust someone, you can't do all these things in life like have kids and be each other's best friends." Yes, true. But it's a completely different kind of unnecessary trust that gets you to jump off a bridge for a person. I trust my wife completely, and we have a kid, yet I would never bungee or skydive with her. I wonder if a generation of younger people who've grown up watching The Bachelor/ette will assume that the two go hand in hand?

They eat dinner at Pasadena City Hall and JP gives Chelsie the rose because "she's fun, she smiles, she cares about people." Cue the lights and music, another no-name band is gonna get their 15 minutes of fame. No idea who it was but Chelsie was stoked. She sang along to the awful song that she hears on a radio station I would not want to ever listen to. Whatever it was, it was the complete opposite of Venezuelan music. But Chelsie was white dancing like nobody's business, having the time of her life. JP loved her fun, easy-going nature – "This is what I need and what I want." He called her "a keeper." I don't think he meant housekeeper but who knows what his true intentions are?

We get it already.

The next morning, JP snuck into the mansion to prepare breakfast for everyone. Check that – it was a Venezuelan breakfast, natch. He wanted to see them as they are, not all dolled up. Kelly and her dog were the first ones down. Didn't look like any Kelly we've seen so far. The woman in question was wearing glasses and had no lips! At least not huge overly glossy ones. Although JP never saw her because she walked by with her hand over her face. Her grandmother always told her "never let a man see you without your face on" and she apparently lives by this ridiculous credo. You'd think she'd maybe want to gain an upper hand, if that's what she believes, and let the others come down looking disheveled. But no, she went upstairs to warn everyone so they could pretty themselves first.

Renee, the 32-year-old den mother, didn't care. And her radiant beauty shone through. That's what JP wants. In fact, he eschewed the pre-ceremony cocktail party for a casual pool party. Smart move. Bikinis. Nuff said.

In breaking news, Lucy the dirty hippy kept her top on. Don't know how she did it, but she did.

Kat thrust herself all over Juan Pablo. Kelly thought she looked "like a whore." Sharleen fretted that she could be going home that night. She was told not to over-analyze things and responded, "It is me to over-analyze." It is also her to talk like an automaton... A beautiful, classy automaton.

When she sat down with JP, her neuroses shone through. She was very formal, nervously repeating "I'm okay, how are you?" She talked about how strange it was to be natural with "cameras zooming into your face." She broke down and cried in his arms. It's unclear whether her tears rusted her cheeks. JP was in his element, fathering her with calming words. Then they kissed and she called him a tease.

Meanwhile, Clare was having a crisis in confidence on her own. She went up to her room alone. Thankfully the Den Mother saw her and talked her through it. Clare is also 32, it surprised me to learn. You know you've been watching The Bachelor/ette too long when you see a 32-year-old and marvel at how young they look for their age. I had to give my head a shake on that one.

She eventually got to talk to JP, as they all do (so why the fretting?) and came away more relaxed and reassured that he hadn't forgotten about her.

Cassandra the Kid, Nurse Nikki and Test Tube Chelsie all had their roses so they could relax at the ceremony. Ten more would get roses. Two wouldn't. They went in order to:

1. Hat-trick Andi
2. Den Mother Renee
3. Smelly Kelly (because of her dog)
4. Classy Automaton Sharleen (who always wears the sexiest dresses)
5. Ms. Elise
6. Shoulder-Ride Kat
7. Alli(son) the soccer-playing nanny
8. Fake pregnant Clare
9. Piano-pushing Lauren (who was invisible this episode)
10. Danielle (who's been invisible the whole season)

That meant the last of Christy, who we never got to know anyway. She said this result was her "worst nightmare." She was not selected because others are way more open than she is, which isn't fair. It's hard for her to open up. "This sucks," she said.

It was also the end for the dirty hippy Lucy, who cried fake tears and carried her shoes out the door. She should have taken off her top after all.

Hey, anyone going to watch the big Sean and Catherine nuptials? Me, neither. I hear Catherine can't wait to have sex! That I'd watch.

Next week the gang is off to South Korea. Unfortunately, judging from the upcoming highlights, Sharleen sings. I say unfortunately because I think she's fantastic. I just don't want it to appear as if she's there only to further her career (not that anyone in the highfalutin world of opera who could offer her work would ever stoop to watching The Bachelor). But we'll see how it all shakes down on Monday.

Juan Pablo 2: Fakes galore. Literally

Welcome back. And thanks for the two comments last week, whoever you were. Much appreciated.

Did we miss something at the top of the show last night? After the upcoming highlights, we opened to the filthy dog swimming in the people pool and a couple of the gals sitting around talking about Clare’s upcoming one-on-one date. Don’t we usually get to witness the date card opening? I guess time was tight given the embarrassing drunkenness that was to come.

Eau d'JP

Our man Juan Pablo blindfolded Clare for their date. That was a bit creepy. And unnecessary. But she didn’t mind. “All I can do is sit there and smell him,” she said about their drive to wherever it was they were going. “He smells like heaven in a bottle.” She was probably just happy to get away from Kelly's dog in the house.

The secret date was to a fake winter wonderland somewhere in southern California. Fitting for the woman who faked a pregnancy on day one. This place looked cool. Literally. (Note to Clare: that’s the correct usage of ‘literally’) But it wasn’t cold, even if Clare could see her breath. I have no idea how fake snow can be slippery but I’m not a fake snow scientist. I guess it works on ski hills so it should be no surprise they can sled down a hill. I’m just saying I don’t understand it.

They also went skating. That was real ice, I’m sure, but how did it stay frozen in clearly above-freezing temperatures? These are the piddling details I obsess over.

In the post-frolicking hot tub, the cute Clare potentially ruined everything by going on about how great her father was and how she was daddy’s little girl. The necklace she wears is there to jolt her back into reality that there’s a life outside of her father (or something like that; I confess I wasn’t paying that much attention). I thought I sensed JP recoiling a bit at all the daddy talk, knowing he’d never be able to compare to her old man, but he gave her the rose anyway. When they kissed to seal the deal, she said, “You taste like snow.” Now I can’t stop wondering what fake snow tastes like.

Who knew he was musical?

They hear music in the distance. That can only mean one thing: a crappy no-name band is about to give them a private show. They run over to where the sound is coming from and sure enough, there’s Andre the Giant strumming a guitar and crooning. Then, as they slow dance to the tunes, it starts fake snowing! And at this point I’m concerned for their personal safety. What is that exactly? Asbestos? What is fake snow? That can’t be healthy to breathe in. (They should be called snow fakes. Don't steal that. Patent pending.)

Clare said she hopes “tonight is literally the tip of the iceberg for the rest of this journey.” (Note to Clare: that’s the incorrect usage of ‘literally’ unless that blindfolded drive took you to the polar ice caps.)

Back at the mansion, Lucy, the dirty hippy, was standing around topless in the pool, showing off her black rectangle for all the world to see. “It was only a matter of time before those boobs were gonna pop out of there,” said Den Mother Renee.

Kat got the next one-on-one date. Her date card read, “I can feel the electricity.” No blindfolds required on this one, but it was still a surprise. They jetted off to Salt Lake City wearing neon outfits for the annual (I’m guessing) 5k Electric Run and Ecstasy Party.

Kat is a dancer, if you recall. I assume that’s a legitimate use of the word and she’s not a professional stripper, but I’m not clear on that. The way she was moving her body on stage at the end of the run, the thought did cross my mind… Over and over. JP gave her the rose in front of the high Mormons.

Next up was the group date. In her interview, Lucy was asked what she could do to get JP’s attention amongst all the others. To illustrate what she couldn’t do, she lifted up her shirt and flashed her black rectangle. So she’d need to think of something else. Or not, as the case may be.

The ladies were going on a photo shoot put on by some kind of homeless dog shelter (again, I didn’t pay too close attention to the details). The guy running the shoot was a perfectly ordinary looking schmo who decided he was so average he needed to set himself apart by painting the hairs on his chin blue. Wow, what a difference. Now he’s SO INTERESTING!

For the cause

While the mutts were humping each other and relieving themselves all over the place, Bluebeard gave the girls their outfits, such as bikinis, fire hydrant costumes, cardboard signs, and nothing. First grade teacher Elise and Assistant District Attorney Andi were chosen to go nude probably because the producers needed drama. Elise couldn’t possibly go through with it what with all her students (or more likely their parents and her principal) watching so she switched with Dirty Hippy, who loved a chance to strut her black rectangles (“I was happy to take off my top, as always,” she said. Although that didn’t explain why she was walking a dog, ostensibly completely nude, down the street). DA Andi was having serious misgivings, too, but a warm and tender JP sweet-talked her into getting butt naked for the cause. What a selfless guy!

At the after-party, Cassandra, the former NBA dancer, revealed for the first time she has a son. And that she really loves basketball because she named said son Trey. He’s two. When she told JP, it was as if she told him the son was his. That is, he was visibly excited.

Meanwhile, Victoria was getting hammered. Or she was already hammered. One of the women sat her down to express her concern, to which Victoria replied, “Thish ish how I am shober.”

"The name's Heimlich, bitch!"

Talking to the producers, a wishful Victoria imagined what she’d do to JP once she got him in her clutches: “I’m gonna straddle him every day because that’s what life is all about – straddling people.” It was just a matter of time because in her mind, “Juan Pablo is my boyfriend.” She also discussed how she performed the “hymen” maneuver on him. While I assumed that was a malaprop, it also occurred to me that it might not be.

At some point, though, things took a turn for the soused. She started to fret that she wasn’t getting the one-on-one time and began prowling around the grounds like a caged animal trying to escape. She eventually caged herself in a bathroom stall, where she bawled until the Den Mother Renee shimmied herself under the door (gross!) to console her. Or at least try. But Victoria was inconsolable. Renee reported back to the others: “I could not calm her down. I literally tried everything!” That is demonstrably false. She didn’t try flushing her head down the toilet. And that’s just for starters.

JP took a turn but even his calm and cool Latin charms wouldn’t work on her. While Victoria was crying (and no doubt puking) in the bathroom, JP spoke to the rest of the group date. He picked up the rose and I so wanted him to say, “I’ll be right back” and hand it to Victoria, but that was not to be. Instead he gave it to the smelly (I’m assuming) dog lover Kelly for reasons they must have edited out of the show.

The next day JP visited a fresh-faced Victoria in her hotel room. She faked being contrite, saying, “I guess I should apologize.” Yeah, maybe. Then she added, “I’m mortified,” and to drive the point home, laughed. “Maybe I did drink too much,” she continued. “I probably could have been more adult about it and handled it better.” You think?

She also said she feels everything very intensely so that when she’s mad, she’s very mad. She must have cut off that curl in the middle of her forehead. Anyway, as respectful as JP was, he had to let her go.

At the cocktail party, JP wanted some time with the women he didn’t get to see on dates. First up was Amy, the news reporter. She made an extremely poor choice in fake interviewing JP. While competent at it (it was clearly a shameless audition, complete with a fake throw back to the studio), you could tell he felt it set them apart. Who knows what off-the-record stuff she might reveal about him in the future. It also put them at different levels. He wants an equal, not a sycophant.

Sharleen, the Canadian opera singer, came off as way more likable this week (and I found her plenty likable last week). She said she felt she was rude and ungracious last week when he offered her the first rose. She explained that she just couldn’t register what was happening. That dress she was wearing was something else, wasn’t it? Let’s just say it’s one the Dirty Hippy would have been comfortable in.

I just spent a bit of time Binging Sharleen. I figured she was some wannabe opera singer, with the ability of your average Miss America contestant. Boy, was I wrong. She’s a major talent. And I don’t even like opera. Her range is truly impressive, she’s got charisma on stage, and can flat-out sing. Take a look at this clip. It goes in and out of focus, but stick with it. She was my favourite anyway because she was Caandian and not like the others, but now she’s really my favourite. Keeping in mind, of course, that all classical musicians are quirky and eccentric. And that explains her acceptance of the rose last week.

Then it was time for the passive-aggressive ‘who loves her kid more?’ mom wars between Cassandra and Den Mother Renee. Cassandra was crying over missing her kid and wondering why she was even there. Renee (naturally) consoled her, telling her she owes it to herself to at least stick around and try. Basically, Renee didn’t want to be the only mom there and look like she doesn’t care about her kid. There’s safety in numbers.

JP interrupted the moms and sat down with Cassandra. He talked to her paternalistically like she was a pouting child. He even ended it with an exploding fist bump. She clearly likes a father figure so she’s sticking around.

With Victoria gone, and with Clare, Kat and Kelly all safe, twelve more roses would be handed out, leaving two out in the (fake) cold. The roses went in order to:

1. Mommy II Cassandra
2. Nurse Nikki
3. DA Andi
4. Miss Elise
5. Classy Sharleen
6. Den Mother Renee
7. Danielle
8. Dirty Hippy Lucy
9. Nanny Alli (I assume, anyway; he called her Allison)
10. Test Tube Chelsie
11. Piano Pusher Lauren
12. Christy

That meant Reporter Amy and Black Chantel had to go. Amy was all smiles. Chantel exchanged no words with JP on the way out, just a hug. She cried a bit later, though.

And that’s that. With Victoria out of the way, who's the next to provide the big drama?

Juan Pablo: 'They want to eat me'

Hello, it's been a while

Hello! It's been a while. Not much, how 'bout you? And I really do miss your smile.

Oh, if only it were Venezuela Danielo and John Ford Coley, we could really tie this thing together. (That was a '70s song reference for all you kiddies out there. Bing it.)

We are back. And it really has been a while. August? Seems like forever ago. I may have forgotten how to do this. But let's see how it goes.

Our new hero is the first minority Bachelor, according to the always reliable Wikipedia. Although doesn't an Englishman in America count as a minority? Or the Canadian? Anyway, it's Juan Pablo. You know, the guy who saw almost no screen time last season but somehow by sheer force of his sexy accent seduced the nation? Ooh-la-la… That may be the wrong expression, but whatever is Spanish for ooh-la-la.

You ever wonder how these regular people season after season can be so natural and charismatic on TV? Me, too. I mean, this guy was just a mid-level soccer pro, according to the narrative the show gives us. I’ve interviewed athletes. Trust me, very few are witty and charming and suave. Well, a little digging on the aforementioned Wikipedia tells me that JP left soccer to become a promoter in the Miami club scene and then onto the record business. He also filmed commercials and was a presenter on a TV sports show. So there’s more to the story than we get on The Bachelor. The guy's got TV chops.

All we know from watching the show is that he’s a dedicated father who quit sports because his daughter was born. You know, the way all athletes do when they become parents. It’s a much better atmosphere for a youngster when their daddy is working nights in the nightclub capital of America.

It's not easy

As we got reacquainted with JP, he tells us “being a dad is not easy” over top of footage of him in bumper cars at an amusement park and frolicking on the beach with his daughter. Not easy, indeed.

I notice despite moving back to the United States (he was born there, too), his daughter speaks almost exclusively Spanish. Not judging; just noticing.

Before JP got settled in as the Bachelor, he was paid a visit by former Bach Shirtless Sean, who was probably just relieved to get away from his sham of a relatioinship. (He mentioned he was married, which was news to me, but then again I don’t keep up on these things. I just remember his awkward appearance with Catherine at the end of last season when they could barely mask their disinterest in each other.) Sean gave him some kissing strategy (kiss lots, kiss often, and don’t get caught kissing), then he and JP danced together. Come to think of it, maybe everything the guy does just looks awkward.

Then we get some gratuitous shots of JP shaving and showering. I’ve mentioned this before, and I’ll mention it again, but how exactly does that work? He was lathering up so it looked like a real shower. But surely if he were really showering, he wouldn’t just go about his naked cleansing with a camera crew in his face as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I know he’s Latino and everything, but still. And if he’s not really showering, i.e. is wearing bathing trunks, what’s with all the soap? Conclusion: It’s fake!

Gratuitous shower scene

Now, I know that’s not earth-shattering news, but at some level it just stinks. You have to imagine the conversation going into it:

“Okay, Juan Pablo, we need some shots of you showering. Get into your bathing suit and just look like you always look in the shower and we’ll creep up on you. No hanky-panky, though.”

It’s something I really, really hate about the show, and yet it’s so insignificant. I know it’s there for the ladies so they can ogle his hunkiness, but can’t they just put him in real situations. That’s what the swimming pool is for.

Anyway, enough about my personal pet peeve. Chris Harrison greeted us outside the mansion and it looked like he was given instructions on how to use his hands more while talking. Either that or I’ve just never noticed it before.

We saw little vignettes on nine of the women we’d meet later. I liked four of them: Chelsie, who was silly, fun and outgoing (her words); Renee, the paddleboarding, rollerblading single mom from Sarasota; Nikki, the pediatric nurse; and Lauren H., the not-quite-over-it Oklahoman who was dumped recently by her fiancé.

But those vignettes mean nothing. Not even sure why they do them. Because next up is meeting all 27 (JP was so popular they had to include two more) women as they roll up in limos. Of these, I tentatively liked nine of them (√), absolutely didn’t like ten (x), and had neutral feelings about eight (–). Here they were, in order of appearance:

Amy L, a news reporter from Florida. (√)

Cassandra, a former NBA dancer from Michigan with shy, awkward pauses (√)

Christy, a 24-year-old marketing manager from Chicago (√)

Christine, a 23-year-old police support specialist from Florida, who brought a gift for JP’s daughter, a bracelet with her name on it (–)

Nikki, the 26-year-old nurse from Missouri, who let JP listen to her heart through a stethoscope to hear how nervous she was (√) (Was there a mic inside the stethoscope? How did we hear it?)

Kat, a Scottsdale dancer who can’t salsa and is very forward (–)

Chantel, a 27-year-old African-American account manager from San Diego, also very forward. (x)

Victoria, a 24-year-old legal assistant from Florida by way of Brazil (√)

Lucy, a 24-year-old barefoot free spirit from California. Yes, that was her job description: “Free Spirit”. She wore flowers in her hair, naturally. (x)

Danielle, a 25-year-old psych nurse from Missouri (√)

Then Lauren S wheeled up pushing and playing an out-of-tune piano. Not particularly well, either, but she was nervous. And pushing her instrument, which can’t be easy. She’s a 26-year-old composer. She was so nervous she forgot to say her name so after she went inside, JP followed her in to ask it. Not sure why, since he’s admittedly horrible with names. (x)

The third limo brought Chelsie, a 24-year-old science educator from Ohio. She brought test tubes and goggles but it was just gag so she could throw them away saying they should make their own chemistry. Gag, indeed. (–)

Valerie, a personal trainer who wore a long dress and boots because she’s a farm girl. She’s also handy with a crossbow, we found out in the vignettes. (–)

Elise, a 27-year-old grade one teacher from Pennsylvania who told him they have so many things in common. (x)

Ashley, another grade one teacher, only 25 and from Texas. She gave JP a gold star. (–)

Then a fake pregnant girl. Oh, the producers wanted us to think it was real, but as soon as she stepped out and they cut to commercial, I knew it was fake, as I assume everyone else did. Her name was Clare from California. In the vignette, we learned she was a hair stylist who’s part Mexican, and the youngest of six girls. Her deceased father made her a DVD meant for the man she finds. She’s never seen it. Hmm, I wonder if we’ll get to see it… (–) (Yes, of course we’ll get to see it.)

Alli, a 26-year-old nanny from Chicago, exited limo #4 wearing soccer cleats and kicking a soccer ball “looking for a teammate.” (x)

Amy J, the 31-year-old massage therapist from LA that we saw in a vignette. Kinda flakey. (x)

Renee, the 32-year-old single mom I liked from the vignettes. Still liked her after her intro. (√)

Lauren H, the 25-year-old mineral coordinator (huh?) from Oklahoma who’s still not over being dumped by her fiancé. I liked her in the vignette, not so much in the intro. (x)

Maggie, a 24-year-old personal banker (teller?) from South Carolina. With her strong southern accent, she gave JP a fishing hook because she and her family love fishing and because she wants to hook him. (x)

Kelly, a 27-year-old professional “dog lover” from Georgia. Yes, she brought her dog. That’s an automatic x in my books. (x)

The last limo introduced us to Lacy, a 25-year-old nursing home owner from California. In the vignette, we also found out she’s from a family of 13, nine of whom are special needs. She gave aspirin to JP. He ate them like they were candy. (–)

Alexis, a 24-year-old communications director from Florida. (–)

Kylie, a 23-year-old interior designer from Illinois who sounded drunk right off the limo. (x)

Sharleen, a 29-year-old opera singer from Ottawa, Canada, even though she lives in Germany. I thought she exuded class, and so did JP. More on her later. (√)

Andi, an assistant DA from Georgia. She played a power move when JP couldn’t remember her name. She said, “Your name again?” Well played. (√)

Twenty-seven women. That’s a regular weekend of dating for a guy like Juan Pablo, but they’ll stretch this out over a few months. Hey, it’s the down season in Miami.

It's all perspective

Also interesting to see Florida-heavy representation. Nineteen percent of the contestants hail from the penis of America. The producers managed to find five women in Florida who hadn’t yet dated the suave one already.

Here’s one line uttered by our man JP that you’d never hear on The Bachelorette: “I feel like a meal. They wanna eat me,” he said of all the ravenous ladies.

JP and Renee looked good together. They also each professed to love the fact that the other was a single parent. I found that funny for some reason I can’t put my finger on. What’s that even mean?: “I love that you’re a single mom/dad.”

Amy J took JP outside the mansion to her massage table. JP got the full(y clothed) treatment. All those essential oils went to waste. He also thought the whole thing was “awkward.” I loved it when she said, “I feel like you’re one of the most beautiful people and we have a lot in common.” Maybe she didn’t mean to imply a connection between the two, but that’s what I inferred.

Lauren H was struggling. She’s quite attractive when she’s not pouting, which she was doing a lot of because she wasn’t getting the time with JP that most of the others were getting. To her credit, she wasn’t blaming anyone but herself. She always thought of herself as confident and now she was finding out otherwise and she was disappointed in herself. Fittingly, Ashley, who has lots of experience in this type of behaviour as a grade one teacher, consoled the inconsolable Lauren H.

It was all for naught anyway because she soon got her solo sit-down with the man of her most recent dreams. Within a minute, she brings up her broken engagement. Not to worry, though, because “I’m so over it,” she said. Clearly.

It's over

Then it was the Canadian’s turn. JP was smitten with her elegance. He felt she separated herself from the rest of the group with her class, beauty, sophistication and brain. She, however, didn’t feel an instant chemistry. She thought if felt forced. So when he excused himself, it didn’t even clue in to her that he was going to retrieve the first impression rose for her. When he returned, she just stared dumbfounded. He asked her if she would accept it and there was a long pause. Not even a pause of excited disbelief; just a pause as in ‘what the hell am I getting myself into?’ She finally stumbled out, “Seriously?” Then after staring at the rose for what seemed like an eternity, she said, without a hint of emotion, “Sure, yes. Thank you, sir.”

That’s what she said, isn’t it? I replayed it a couple of times and it sure sounded like “sir” to us. She told the producers she was “incredibly flattered” but said it’s too early to say if she feels anything. I think I hear the fat lady singing on this relationship.

So Sharleen was automatically in. JP would hand out 17 more roses, letting nine go home early. The roses went out in order to the following (with my original √, x, or – in parentheses)

1. Not pregnant Clare (–)
2. Nikki the Nurse (√)
3. Renee the Mom (√)
4. Andi the DA (√)
5. Alli the soccer-playing nanny (x)
6. Chantel the African-American (x)
7. Lauren S the piano-pushing composer (x)
8. Kelly and her dog (x)
9. Cassandra the NBA dancer (√)
10. Danielle the psych nurse (√)
11. Chelsie with the test tubes (–)
12. Kat the dancer (–) *a funny moment occurred when Kylie thought she heard her name being called and walked toward JP, who looked terrified
13. Victoria the Brazillian (√)
14. Christy the, uh, marketing manager (√)
15. Lucy the drifter (x)
16. Elise, one of the grade one teachers (x)
17. Amy L the news reporter (√)

Who did that leave out? Well, obviously drunken Kylie (x) (I don’t believe she was drunk at all; her voice just sounded a little rough). She expected to be there for a long time, she said crying. Lauren H (x), the attractive but broken woman. She said, crying, that she’s sick and tired of people feeling sorry for her. I think it was best she lost now before she got too far into it. I also think time heals all wounds and she’ll be okay soon. Chin up, Lauren H! Amy J (x), the masseuse, was also a goner. That’s who we saw. I need to do forensics to figure out the others. Hang on one second. I’ll be right back…

Okay, got it. Christine (–), who thoughtfully gave JP a bracelet for his daughter, got the boot. So did Valerie (–), the crossbow shootin’ farmer and personal trainer. Bye-bye also goes to Ashley (–), who presented JP with a gold star, Maggie (x), the southern banker who gave him a fishing hook, Lacy (–), the nursing home owner who fed JP pills, Alexis (–) from Florida.

Hey, big ups to JP for getting all those names right. He said he's horrible with names, and who can blame him meeting 27 new people in one night. I wonder what his process was. I think he must have been followed around by an assistant as he nodded surreptitiously and they jotted down the corresponding name.

And there you have it. Looks like some good drama in coming weeks. Anyone have any idea who it was sitting on the floor sobbing that they’d like to see JP dead? No one seems that mentally unstable. But it’s early yet. Stay tuned.