Bachelor Canada: The Whirlwind

I can't believe I'm two days late with this one. Just because the episode was only one hour. Take away all the commercials I fast-forwarded through and it was probably more like 44 minutes. It all seems so much more pointless than it already is at such a length but I've gotta say I'm liking it. So much less of a commitment. Just like there's so much less of a commitment between the various couples (except for Kaylynn, who fell madly in love when she stepped out of the limo).

Every season, whether it's The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, Bachelor in Paradise, or Bachelor Canada, has some enduring word or phrase that pops up over and over again, from DeAnna's "hort" to Ali's "impor'ant" to Andi's "y'all". I thought Tim's thing was going to be "aboot" but that's moved to the background now. I do believe his thing is the automatic giggle. I tried to count the number of times his machine-gun laugh popped up but I couldn't keep up.

The first date card went to Kaylynn the ballerina. She was so excited, she was shaking. And that's even before she saw the helicopter. She's terrified of heights, you see. But she got on the thing like a trooper. I don't mean in a military sense. Like a regular trooper who goes with the flow.

They took a scenic view of Vancouver, flying over Lion's Gate Bridge and Stanley Park before making their way to Grouse Mountain. I thought Tim should have chosen one of the women not from the city but I guess even a local can appreciate the sights.

I was recently on Grouse Mountain. My son and I watched a helicopter taking off. So there is a landing pad there. So it was curious when Tim and Kaylynn had to take the gondola up the mountain. Especially since there's no landing pad on the bottom of the mountain. Ah, television. What tricks you play!

First question we heard Tim ask the Ballerina was, "Do you cook at all?" Good to get your priorities out of the way, buddy. Kaylynn is no Julia Childs but she can follow a recipe. I'd hate to be around if the recipe didn't turn out. Can you imagine the meltdown she'd have?

She told Tim she was raised "over the phone" by her parents, since they sent her off to a boarding school. It wasn't easy for her and she may have felt bullied. I'm not clear on that but that was the impression Tim gave later on, which we'll get to. What he gave at this moment was a rose. To her. He felt very comfortable with her.

And after this first date, Kaylynn downplayed it, saying it was "the most unbelievable connection I've had in my life!" Actually, that doesn't surprise me since she spent most of her life in a boarding school.

Before the first set of commercials we got the second date card. Told you this episode just flew by. This was a group date with ten lucky ladies. Prim & Proper Miss Natalie and the Cougar were not in the group and they were getting worried.

The group went to False Creek in downtown Vancouver. And this is where Vancouver showed its Vancouveredness: it was pouring rain. Seriously, producers, what were you thinking? One reason people watch this franchise is for babes in bikinis and you're filming in the winter? For four months of the year, it's nothing but blue skies and hot weather, yet you want to subject these delicate flowers to the elements? And deprive us of scenery?

They divided the women into two teams and they had a dragonboat race. In the pouring rain. I guess it was good for the requisite "I'm wet" comments. The team of April Burlesque, Jenny, Mexican Martha, the Foul-Mouthed Philosopher Rileigh, and Pageant Trisha beat the team of Alison, Dominique, Lisa the Red, Dr. Renee, and Seashell. Quite handily, too.

The losers went back to the mansion while the winners got more time with Tim.

But first we got the third date card of the show – 15 minutes into the episode! It was another date card, this time for Christine, Proper Miss Natalie, Cougar Sonia, and April Beauty. And Kaylynn (of the only one-on-one date fame) called it her "worst nightmare – all this time to sit back and watch fourteen other women go on a date with him." Boo-hoo.

Meanwhile, the dragonboat winners went with Tim to the Sun Yat-Sen Gardens. They wore traditional Chinese garments. April Burlesque told Tim her stage name is Suicide Stacy. I guess guys find suicide sexy. Tim found her "very, very interesting." But he wondered if she was like that all the time.

Outside the room, the others were wondering if Tim was like that all the time, too. Or at least the Foul-Mouthed Philosopher was. They heard his rat-a-tat laugh and Rileigh thought he might be "putting on Show Tim." She wanted him to "cut the shit and connect." You know, usually on the American show, they'll say something like that but bleep it out, and if I can tell what they were saying, I'll just write it without the bleep. On this show, they don't bleep "shit." And Rileigh took full advantage. She said it several times. And "what the fuck?" which they did bleep.

But Rileigh wasn't talking behind Tim's back. When she got some alone-time with him, she said the exact same thing. She said she "can't stop being analytical." Tim told her it wasn't always useful and she should just shut it off. That made her think. "You're appealing to my smart side," she said. I tend to think brains are like beauty and sense of humour: if you have to say you're smart (good-looking, funny, etc.), you're probably not.

He gave the rose, though, to Pageant Trisha for reasons only known to Tim.

For the four-on-one date, Tim arrived at the mansion bright and early to surprise everyone. They were all milling about in the kitchen in their PJs. Sonia was probably not appreciating that, although there was no evidence. I'm just thinking any twentysomething can roll out of bed and look no worse for wear. But once you get up over 40, life begins to show a bit. Again, there was no evidence of that with Sonia. It's just an educated guess. And perhaps it was a reason Tim felt no chemistry with her.

The four would do a photoshoot for Flair magazine. Sonia, a lingerie model, should have been in her element here. Tim said she was "particularly interesting to me." He also described her as "more mature" than the others. And he didn't mean the others were running around shooting spitballs at each other.

He described the shoot with Christine as "terrible." But he still liked it. I thought it was terrible because it showed his godawful shoulder tattoo.

He nailed Natalie. No, not in that way. He said she "has a little veneer of properness to her." But she loosened up a bit on the shoot when they went in for a long, steamy kiss. Or as steamy as a kiss can be with lips pressed tightly closed. She called it a "most amazing sexual moment."

He called Sonia a bombshell. As in devoid of all firepower and explosiveness? Just the outer shell? Must be because he said there was "no spark between us." But we know that's just code for "I found out her real age." Because surely he doesn't have sparks with every other girl there. Yet he felt the need to send Sonia packing. He told her, "Sometimes you have to respect the chemistry that's there or not there. It's almost disrespectful to force it." Uh-huh.

But she's been around the block once or twice. So she took it well, saying, "No point trying to kick a dead horse." Or a really old horse, I suppose. She was happy she tried at all and left in the downpour.

After the photoshoot, Tim and April Beauty went somewhere alone but I forget how she was chosen. There was no rose involved. I guess he just told them. I remember Proper Miss Natalie was very happy for April. Such a polite Canadian!

Wherever they went, there was the requisite anonymous singer-songwriter to greet them in song. April knew the words to the ditty. She called it a "cute" song. She used the word a lot. In fact, if Bachelor Canada ever spins off to Bachelorette Canada (and is there any reason why it shouldn't?!), and April Beauty is selected, no doubt "cute" would be her word. The song was cute, Tim was cute, his kiss was cute. Yes, they kissed. She had a blanket and he pulled it up to cover her face and gave her a peck behind it. She said, "Oh my God, how frickin' cute was that?! He would not have gotten a kiss if he didn't do it that way."

At the cocktail party, Tim showed up wearing Tyler Harcott's dress pants. They had to be because they seemed about four sizes too tight. And Harcott didn't make an appearance at all, I guess because he didn't have any pants. Just putting two and two together.

Kaylynn, who'd been fretting ever since she got the rose on her one-on-one date, said she was going to "play it cool" and not be "the overbearing girlfriend." Good call. And good luck with that.

She said it's sometimes easy for her to "go in a crazy emotional whirlwind, and nothing good can come from that."

Tim revealed that his horrendous tattoo is actually a cover-up. That's an example of making a bad thing even worse. Kids, let that be a lesson to you.

For the first time in history, the Bachelor shunned someone wanting to "interrupt". Mexican Martha walked up to Tim and Christine and he totally shunned poor Martha. I've never seen that before.

Remember what Kaylynn said two paragraphs ago? So when she was talking to one of the Aprils and Tim walked up to them and took April away, how do you think Kaylynn handled that? a) with a shrug and a laugh? b) with a tinge of disappointment, or c) with a crazy emotional whirlwind?

Martha supplied some tough love, reminding Kaylynn she already has a rose and she has nothing to worry about. Kaylynn wasn't listening. She said, "I should just go home." At which point Mexican Martha very correctly said, "I can't talk to you" and got up and walked away.

Kaylynn didn't go home, though. She sucked it up and made it through the rose ceremony. Both she and Pageant Trisha had roses. Ten more roses went to:

1. Suicide Stacy
2. Christine
3. Seashell
4. Mexican Martha
5. Dominiquetress
6. Jenny
7. Lisa the Red
8. April Beauty
9. The Foul-Mouthed Philosopher
10. A relieved Prim & Proper Miss Natalie, who told Tim, "Don't do that ever again!"

The doctor and nurse were sent home, Dr. Renee and Nurse Alison.

But the drama wasn't over. Kaylynn still needed to officially break down. Trisha said, "Enough is enough. If you can't fucking handle it, go home." But Kaylynn was upset with Martha, for some inexplicable reason. In her mind, she turned Martha's support into bullying. She said she felt bullied by her for telling her how she should be feeling. She sobbed, "I can't stand bullying!" Oh this can only get better.

She told Tim, "I don't want you to think differently of me." He said, "I don't." Presumably because he already thought she was a nut last week, too.

Bachelor Canada: What's all this aboot?

Hello there, Canada, and unfortunates the world over who are unable to view the glory that is Bachelor Canada. To you later group, I hope this blog will allow you to live vicariously through it to experience the special horribleness of your favourite franchise's poor cousin.

Not Tyler Harcott

Actually, I was quite impressed with last season's Bachelor Canada. I thought the lead and the contestants were all on par with the American version. The setting was grand and the locations gorgeous, and that if you didn't know otherwise, you might even be fooled that it was the original, minus Chris Harrison and added some geeky looking Ryan Stiles double trying to look hip (Tyler Harcott).

But that was the first season. This new version looks atrocious. Harcott has dyed his hair jet-black no doubt to cover up the gray, but it doesn't look natural on a wizened visage. And his wardrobe is also better suited to someone half his age. But let's not dwell on him since he's not around that much. The Bachelor, a 28-year-old guy named Tim, sounds very rehearsed in all his interviews and laughs way too much. As in all the time. And – I hesitate to even bring this next part up but what the hell – the ladies usually are some low-rent variation on supermodels, but let's just say this group is more down-home and realistic. No one really stands out. Maybe that's part of its Canadian charm, that the women are not particularly special. I'm just saying. My wife and one of her friends also commented negatively on their dresses, but they looked fine to me.

What does it all mean? It just means that the eye candy element isn't there. I won't get into individual details because that would be ungentlemanly and mean. Some of them are fairly attractive. If I don't single them out, they can all believe they are.

But what I think it really does is make it less believable that our hero will fall madly in love with one of them. He's an okay-looking dude who keeps himself in shape and seems to have altogether way too much going on to be so unencumbered with love. The guy was a Bay St. (US equivalent to Wall St.) investment banker working 100 hours a week until he quit to own his own tech start-up and construction company. Oh, and he's 28. And he somehow found the time to get a oversize garish tattoo on his left shoulder blade.

And then there's his diction. He actually said this: "I'm ready to find the person with whom I spend the rest of my life." You read that right. He said "with whom." Didn't I tell you he sounded scripted?

But worst of all is this self-described "all-Canadian guy" who plays hockey goes whole hog with the Canadian thing and pronounces "about" exactly how Canadians are made fun of. Well, not quite "aboot", but close enough. Keep in mind, I rarely hear this. Most Canadians that I know and see on television don't pronounce the word noticeably different from Americans. But some do, and hence the bad rep we have. This guy Tim does and it's like fingernails on a chalk board every time he says it. (I stopped counting at 7 within the first ten minutes.)

One other noticeable difference between the two countries' versions is that this Canadian version has more lax broadcast censorship. They bleep out the word "fuck" but on this first episode, "shit" was uttered four times uncensored. Score one for Canada!

We started off as we often do on the American version getting to know a select few of the women in little film segments. No need to go into them because we'll talk about them as they get out of the limo, but they profiled eight and all but one were chosen at the rose ceremony.

So here we go. The first limo arrives with:

• Rileigh, a 23-year-old philosphy student/waitress. She carries a tray with two shots of liquor which she and Tim down. Tim laughs.
• Kaylynn, a 26-year-old ballerina from Vancouver. Tim laughs.
• Raelee, a 26-year-old gymnast who, apparently, Canada voted to be on the show. I was not included in this vote. Why not?! Anyway, Tim laughs.
• Jennifer, a 26-year-old never-nervous "joyologist." She certainly was chipper. All I could think of was that this joyologist should hook up with the pantsapreneur. Tim laughs.
• April B, a 27-year-old real estate agent, who's father died of an OD. There are actually two April B's. Unlike the American show, all the female contestants' last names were used. I can't
  
  remember the two B's so let's call this one April Beauty. Tim laughs.

In that first limousine, April Beauty was my winner.

Limo 2:

• Sachelle, a 24-year-old, who offered Tim a seashell as a mnemonic device so he'd remember her name. Tim laughs.
• Dominique, a 28-year-old model/receptionist from Montreal with a missing tooth. Tim laughs but not at the missing tooth.
• Trisha, a 28-year-old slightly delusional pageant queen wearing a sash even though she's never been in a pageant. Or maybe she has, but she's never won. Tim laughs.
• Andrea, a 30-year-old from Kelowna. Tim didn't know where Kelowna was but laughed anyway.
• Renee-Anne, aka Renee, an emergency room doctor. Her shtick was to give Tim a prescription. Pretty sure that's against the Hippocratic Oath. But it must have worked because Tim laughed.

Out of this quintent, I picked Andrea as my favourite. (Spoiler alert: she wasn't Tim's.)

Before limo 3 showed up, Tyler Harcott arrived. I guess his alarm clock wasn't working. He asked Tim how things were going so far ("Overwhelming"). Then Harcott asked, "Seen things you like?" Things? Um, okay. Anyway, Tim answered, "Yeah... maybe." See?! I told you this was an uninspiring lot! He couldn't very well have said, "Nah, not so much, Tyler. I'm hoping the next three limos bring something better." But he may as well have. "Maybe"???

Limo 3:

• Rituiska, a 30-year-old Venezuelan, who arrived speaking Spanish to Tim, hoping to impress. He threw it right back at her, telling her he was an exchange student in Chile for a year. Oh, and he laughed.
• Alison, a 27-year-old nurse from Montreal. She did a little dance. Tim laughed.
• Jacqueline, a 23-year-old blonde nut from Toronto. I mean 'nut' in a quirky way. Tim laughed.
• Rebecca, a 24-year-old waitress from Calgary with lots of tattoos who goes by the name Becca. Tim laughed.
• Sarah, a 31-year-old from St. Catherine's with one long tattoo running down her spine from her neck to her butt. Tim laughed.

Hard to pick a winner from this group but it might have been the owner of the spine ink.

Limo 4:

• Natalie, a grade 3 French teacher who managed to equal Tim in stiffness. She stood about six feet away from him then taught him how to kiss-hello like a French person, in case he had never been outside his home before today and there was no cable or internet at his house. Tim laughed nervously.
• Sharan, from Vancouver, is one of the many contestants of colour. She's Indo-Canadian.
• Martha, a 26-year-old Mexican living in Montreal. She's a fashion buyer. She tried the Spanish trick, too. Tim equalled her. And laughed.
• Kelsey, a 28-year-old sommelier. Tim laughed.
• Jenny, a 26-year-old Vancouverite by way of Hong Kong with a "weird" English accent. She also has a right shoulder blade tattoo to match Tim's left one. Tim laughed.

Who's the winner in this round, you ask? I'd say it's a toss-up between Mexican Martha or Stiff Natalie.

Limo 5:

• Jewel, a 32-year-old basketball-loving tall black accountant from Toronto. She dribbled a basketball between her legs. Tim laughed. That was the last we saw of her.
• Sonia, a 42-year-old lingerie model. Take a moment to let that sink in. You read right: She's 42. And a lingerie model. I'll let you guess which fact she revealed to Tim. Obviously she looks good but come on. She's 42! He's 28! She did that thing where she moved her head around a lot so he couldn't get a full-on look at her face. Not that there's anything wrong with it; just that's she's 14 years older than he is. He laughed. But not at her; with her.
• Christine, a 29-year-old Asian music teacher from Vancouver. Tim laughed.
• Lisa, a 25-year-old bag o' trouble from Calgary. She has long red curls to match the flag that she represents. Tim laughed.
• April B. In this case the B stands for Burlesque. She's a 30-year-old from Victoria who dances burlesque by nights and by days rips pubic hair off vaginas. That's right, she's a "vagician" or "waxologist." She announced her exit from the limo with confetti.

My hands-down winner of this group was Lisa, although I also liked Jewel.

At the party, the ballerina Kaylynn was very emotional. And probably quite drunk. But she and Tim seemed to have a connection. He told her she seemed very confident. Oh, no, she assured him, she was actually a sensitive, emotional person. That's the side of her we saw, even if Tim didn't, that's for sure.

Then Tim had one of the best lines of the night when he told her that he had been picked on as a kid: "I used to not be a very good looking guy in high school," he said. Humility!

We got lots of the joyologist working her magic, spreading joy and goodwill to one and all. One of the others described her as a "hoot." Keep in mind, dear international reader, this is the Canadian Bachelor.

Jennifer the Joyologist told Tim she quit her job in cancer research. I guess there wasn't enough joy in searching for a cure to one of the worst diseases known to mankind. She wants to spread real joy, not superficial joy.

Maybe Tim really has never left home. Because when Kelsey the sommelier led him outside carrying a bottle of champagne and a knife, Tim was freaked out. Like he couldn't possibly imagine what was up her sleeve. I won't insult your intelligence by revealing what freakish act she performed. But Tim's mind was blown.

Rebecca then stole Tim away. She was wearing an apron. Not sure how long this party lasted, but she found the time to bake an apple pie from her grandmother's recipe. Which led to another great line of the night: "I hope that my pie guarantees me a rose." Ahem.

Then Christine the music teacher took Tim back outside to share with him her prodigious talent. She had written a song for him and wanted to perform it a cappella. If you've ever seen a season of The Bachelor/ette, you'll know that's never a good idea. And it wasn't in this case, either. Let's just say it won't be attracting any new students to her. But she did provide lots of entertainment for the others. Trisha snort-laughed.

But Tim fell for it. He gave her the first impression rose for taking a big risk. Personally, I don't think such risks should be rewarded but that's just me. He gathered all 25 women around to announce his decision, something you don't usually see. The unsteady Kaylynn became even more unsteady, saying she couldn't help but feel insecure and jealous. Thankfully Jennifer the Joyologist was there to give her a pep talk.

Then Miss Natalie, the teacher, got some one-on-one time with Tim. "I have to ask what was your first impression of me when you saw me?" she said. Clearly nothing rose-worthy.

She told him she teaches grades one, two and three. But does she? She revealed her job is to go into each class for half an hour each. "It's a dream-come-true kind of job," she said. Yeah, I guess working 90 minutes a day is pretty sweet.

Rileigh, the philosophical bar waitress, admired Rebecca's boobs. Philosophically, of course, as I do. Rebecca replied, "Do you want to touch them?" And Rileigh did.

Lisa the Red Flag accidentally spilled a drink all over Jenny and looked quietly pleased with herself. She's got a quality, that one. I like it, but I'd approach cautiously. Tim sees that, too. He says she's got an edge to her, which he finds sexy. She reminds me of someone I know but I can't figure out who it is. I may have blocked her from my memory.

Tim got a bit rose-happy. He handed another one out to the very proper Miss Natalie. He was attracted to her confidence. She readily accepted, enunciating clearly, "I'm very, very thrilled about this."

And then another rose to Sachelle, "the cutest and so honest." As you can well imagine, Kaylynn is now a total wreck. Tim sensed it so he made his way over to her. They flirted. Well, she flirted and he laughed. She leaned forward drunkily when talking. She felt that he was sexually attracted to her.

At the rose ceremony, Christine, Natalie and Sachelle were all safe, leaving twelve more lucky ladies to receive a flower and ten unlucky ones to be sent home (the Canadian version tends to speed along at a faster rate than the American one). The roses went in order to:

1. Kaylynn. And thank God. She went from depressive to manic at the announcement.
2. Jenny and her right shoulder tattoo
3. Dominique the model/receptionist
4. Mexican Martha
5. Philosophical Rileigh
6. April Burlesque
7. Lisa Red Flag
8. Dr. Renee
9. April Beauty
10. Nurse Alison
11. Sonia the Cougar
12. Trisha the Beauty Queen without a Crown, who was losing it as rose after rose was handed out to the others

Someone from the group said they now know Tim's type: olive-skinned girls.

That's that. We got some upcoming highlights and it looks like all the world's hotspots were covered. There'll be lots of kissing and lots of tears and lots of cat fights. All with a Canadian twist. That's what it's all aboot.

Bachelor in Paradise: The worst is over

Wow. I'm speechless. How shockingly bad was this series? Unbelievable. It is, without a doubt, the absolute worst thing the producers have ever done. Ill-conceived, poorly thought-out, dull, deceitful, and pointless. And those were its good points!

Chris Harrison promised off the top – as he does to everything he's ever been involved with – that there would be a shocking ending we wouldn't see coming. Spoiler alert: It was a proposal. Shocking? Not in the slightest. Did I see it coming? No, but who cares? It wasn't surprising one bit. Marcuszzz falls hopelessly in love with anything that moves. If she loves him back, it's game over.

We started with the six couples entering a room and AshLee sporting some of the weirdest cleavage I've ever seen, rivalled only by Jackie's. Not saying it wasn't pleasant; just different looking. AshLee also wore her crazy accessories, which included a string headband and a combo ring/bracelet thing.

Harrison arrived to instruct them to take a "hard, honest look at your relationship." He told them if they didn't believe the relationship had a future, to break up and leave. Um, okay, Mr. Bossy Pants. That was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard of. And it was made more ridiculous when he added, "Don't fool yourselves, don't fool each other, and don't try and fool me." Are they under his spell or something? Were they worried about an appearance by a lie detector test? Why would they agree to do this?

Most puzzling because no one knew the end game. Was there a prize on the line? Money to be had? A trip, perhaps? They're risking it just because he told them to. Something seemed fishy.

But no, there was no prize. I mean, except a booby prize. A literal one in the case of Marcuszzz, who revealed that's why he loved Lacy so. (In return, she expressed a fondness for his hairy chest.)

I was still perplexed why grown adults would just agree to make a decision on their relationship right then and there. It was a forever future or sayonara.

The sexes divided up and talked amongst themselves. Cody thought it felt like they're "making this decision pretty quick." Almost as quick as it took for him to express his love for Crazy Michelle 2.0.

Aside: Just took a break to take a gander at Twitter. Looks like I'm in the minority. People love this show! People think CM2 and Cody are a wonderful couple! Am I too cynical and grumpy?

I just don't see how anyone could watch the two-facedness of CM2 and come away believing anything she says about anything. She tells us she doesn't trust AshLee and goes to tell Graham that she needs to go home. Graham will see right through her, right?

Meanwhile, AshLee sees CM2 and assumes she's worried about her own relationship with Cody, as she should have been. Ash says her heart is heavy for CM2. "She's been so good to me," and chokes up as she talks. "I just want to love on her." She said she wasn't worried that CM2 was going to talk to AshLee's man. "If they do, hopefully it'll be positive," she said.

But CM2 was having a self-described panic attack, freaking out about the prospect of Graham and AshLee, and tells Graham so. She tells him AshLee is "not genuine" and not here for him, only to put on a show and act like someone's she's not. That's not the pot calling the kettle black, it's the pot calling Mr. Clean black.

She continues, telling Graham, "You're too genuine and sweet of a guy to let a girl make you look like a fool."

Does Graham seek out other opinions? Nope. He sobs, "You're so great to me." I mean, I guess he had no choice but to believe her because in the history of this sordid franchise, anyone who's been the subject of a warning like that has been worthy of it. So this is all on CM2. I only wish someone had the good sense to have warned Cody about the ungenuineness of his gal.

So Graham goes and dumps AshLee, who didn't see it coming. Even though she said she did: "I knew it. Way too good to be true," she said.

So one couple down, five to go. CM2 could smell victory (not knowing there would be no victory, no $250 grand).

Dumb Lacy sounded harsh saying she'd be embarrassed if she were AshLee and that AshLee was "just delusional." But I really think she didn't mean it in a harsh way. That's just dumb talking. (By the way, did you stay to see the outtakes after the show? Marcuszzz told her he was "smitten" with her and she laughed and repeated the word like he was just making it up.)

Next up were Tasos and Christy. This is another reason why the show was so utterly stupid. They invite the guy last week (who knows how many days in real time that was, but probably fewer than seven) and then instruct him to seriously think about his relationship and its potential. Gee, I wonder what he'll do! No surprise that he and Christy call it quits.

Two down.

Then Jackie and Zach split up.

Three down. Three to go.

CM2 told us she was "feeling unstable." Oh, the delicious irony! And then, "It's literally like someone has a gun to your head." Totally, right?! No difference at all.

CM2 and Cody realistically should have been the first couple to call it quits, but CM2 was really stretching her 15 minutes out to its fullest. If there was to be no prize, at least she could say she got her face and name out to the public until the end. Then all she'd have to do is maintain a fake relationship for a suitable length of time until her face fades from sight then announce tearfully her breakup with a wonderful guy, bringing her back to pseudo-prominence. Then be single again in time for the next season of Bachelor in Paradise. Which, incidentally, was picked up by the networks today. The mind boggles.

Anyhoo, when she was pulling out her hair at the prospect of what she might do, I scribbled down:

Pred. – she will not break up 

Oh, they wanted us to think that's where it was heading, but we've seen enough of CM2 to know she's a schemer. Predictions are easy with her.

She called her daughter to get advice about this "really cute boy" she had to make a decision on. The daughter offered sage advice. I don't know how old she is, but she sounded wise beyond her years. Maybe she's 12? Anyway, around there. She said it didn't matter if the boy is cute or not; it only matters if he's nice and they have "stuff in common."

CM2 needed to hear what she needed to hear. Clearly they have nothing in common. Yes, he's nice, I'll give him that. But CM2 misstated her daughter's advice, saying the criteria is "if he's good to you." From what we heard, she didn't say that. She knew she had nothing in common with the guy, but needed something – anything – to hang on to so she could win this thing. Even though there'd be no winning.

Have I mentioned how much I hated this show?

She said she has "to take a leap of faith and see what this next step is." In other words, disobey the Great Leader Chris Harrison. There were no leaps of faith or seeing what the next step would be. It was go all-in or fold, not stick around to see the flop.

Had Tasos known this was an option, maybe he'd have stuck around with Christy Red Chest.

Then the Great Leader showed up again. He told the three remaining couples that he respects the ones who were honest enough to break up. CM2 winced. Maybe not visibly, but I could sense it.

Harrison told them there was one more date and he wanted them to have "difficult, real, raw, honest conversations" about how they'd transition to their real lives. They'd have lots of time because they were all going on overnights. If they found it lacking, there needed to break up and leave Paradise.

Cody just heard overnights and was beaming. CM2 said she was "terrified." But she needed that time to figure things out. "By the end of the night I will be jumping in with two feet with Cody or walking away." Uh-huh. Yes, we all believed that was a very real possibility, crazy lady.

Cody arrived for their date looking like he always looks. He wasn't wearing anything special. But CM2 kept the act going: "Ooh, you look so handsome!"

Sarah was really excited about the upcoming date. So excited, in fact, she used the word "excited" every time she opened her mouth. She was with the "hottest guy" who was "so incredibly sexy." That's love for you! Because there's no way Robert is either.

They smooched hard in the hot tub. Sarah thought the night would be "this perfect opportunity to get to know me in every way possible." Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. And if you didn't quite pick up what she was laying down, she added, "I hope he goes there. I hope he digs deep."

Meanwhile, the dull one was cooing about how he could never imagine life without the dumb one, and the dumb one was saying, "You complete me." Yes, she actually said that.

At dinner, CM2 was telling Cody how amazing he is and how safe she feels with him and how loved she feels by him. Notice she didn't say anything about her love for him? Not even close. Just bright shiny words to daze and confuse Cody. He told her he wants for her to some day be his wife. Oh, that poor sap.

CM2 went with the trying-to-make-it-look-like-a-joke-but-really-deadly-serious route, saying, "Did you know you're not getting laid tonight? Yes, we all knew that. "Fantasy, schmantasy," she added.

Then she told the cameras, "Sometimes I get the impression that guys with that big a body have [bleep] but I could be totally wrong. Maybe his [bleep] is very muscular like the rest of his body. Like the Hulk." My educated guess on the first bleep is [small dicks]. I have no clue what the second bleep could be because who would ever describe a penis as muscular except a crazy person? Oh, right.

The next morning, Lacy said she felt amazing. They "stayed up all night just talking and loving on one another." That's the second reference to "loving on" this episode. Presumably this version was different from the loving on that AshLee wanted to do to CM2.

Robert said his overnight was "so perfect" and an "amazing night." As in, he got an amazing night's sleep.

So far, so classy. Enter Crazy Michelle 2.0.

She said she was "really sore" and "very satisfied." Then she walked into the living room and announced to the others, "Guess who's not confused?! I have a boyfriend!"

This woman is just so full of it. Personally, I think they stayed up all night scheming of ways to make it seem like they were a couple just so they could win the thing, not realizing there was no winner. Because she was just so over-the-top with their kissing and carrying-on.

She then told the other girls how amazing Cody's [bleep] is and that he's really good in bed. Yet Jesse was a scuzzball for sleeping and talking?

But you see what it did? All the talk of her conquest eliminated one more couple, getting her closer to her goal. Poor Sarah, who previously thought she had a great night with Robert, began to question his affection for her. "This room begged for romance and intimacy," she said. "That didn't happen." She said he wore his jeans to bed and didn't want to be physical. She tried to unbuckle his pants and he stopped her. She felt rejected. It was a wasted opportunity. There wasn't even any "neck sucking"! "I don't even know if he has a penis," she said.

So she had to break up with him. She told him she felt "incredibly not loved." Robert replied, "I'm actually very sad right now," with zero emotion. So that was that. Thanks, CM2!

Then she had some regrets as she wondered if she let one weird night go to her head. No, she let CM2 go to her head.

So the six couples were now two: Dull & Dumber, and CM2 & Coco. They were to get some real life advice from three couples made on TV: Jason & Molly, Desiree & Chris, and Sean & Catherine. Molly was unrecognizable to me.

The three couples grilled the two couples. They asked CM2 if she was in love and she replied, "Oh, yeah." She was doing her best to sound enthusiastic but I think she probably justified it in her mind by saying it sarcastically.

Then it was rose time. Cody made a stupid speech saying he wanted to meet CM2's daughter and start a future with her, adding, "I do love you." Then CM2 said she was grateful he'd be moving to Utah, adding, "You're the sugar and I'm the spice and we go together so well." Ugh.

They exchanged roses and walked off down the beach.

Then Marcuszzz got up there and asked if he could get a second alone with Lacy. He was sweating. He gave her a private speech on the beach. Well, private in the sense the others weren't standing around watching. Just cameras and microphones. It was the usual sucky speech from him. Then he pulled out a ring, got down on one knee and proposed. Total rebound relationship move, right?

Lacy accepted. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

And that was that. Here's my question. Was Marcuszzz put up to it? Did the show supply him with a ring? Because if he didn't propose, what was the ending going to be? Two couples exchanging roses and walking off down the beach? It just makes no sense. There was no point to this show. Worst. Show. Ever.

But the best part of the worst show ever was something I'd like to see on the other iterations. They ended by showing updates of many of the contestants. Not all, which I would have liked to have seen, but lots. Chris and Elise, who left together on three legs, broke up after two weeks. Stuff like that.

I've wasted enough words and time on this network time waster. I've got to prepare for Bachelor Canada. I know my American readers can't get the show, but maybe you'll want to stick around to read how it all compares. I saw an ad for it on this episode and it looked like a parody of the American version.