Farmer Chris: The amazing story

What week are we in? I've lost track. I know that Farm Boy has whittled down his original 30 to a manageable 11 and they're off to New Mexico this week. We've got a couple virgins (one real – Becca – and one fake – Sexy Virgin) and one entitled princess (Kelsey the Komplainer) in the mix. Now that you're all caught up, let's get the show on the road.

Santa Fe, it turns out, is the perfect place to fall in love. Kinda like every other place the show travels to. Plus they might wear sombreros! Or maybe not! I don't know about that but if New England has double decker buses and fish 'n' chips, there's a good chance it'll be bullfights and siestas in New Mexico. Megan also is picking out her bathing suit for that famous New Mexico beach action. She's just excited because she's never been out of the country before.

The Sexy Virgin says she needs the one-on-one time more than anyone, but Carly the Crooner gets the date card. It read, "Let's come together." Any guesses what that means? I guessing it's not simultaneous orgasms.

Carly is the perfect girl to bring on today's date, says Chris, to this perfect place to fall in love. Perfect.

Chris and Carly meet a love and intimacy mentor. The love guru apparently knows the secrets of intimacy. So maybe the date card does mean what I thought it didn't.

The love guru starts by burning some sage and passing the smoke around the couple. Nothing like a little smoke inhalation to get things going. But Chris is cautiously optimistic. Now he and Carly are sitting back-to-back, chanting and breathing hard. Chris felt nothing. I would have guessed at the very least he would have felt strong embarrassment.

Then Carly got to blindfold Chris. I was going to joke about fruit and chocolate because that was Megan's go-to move last week, but that's exactly what the guru brought out. She must watch the show. Carly says she's terrified of intimacy but she caresses Chris awkwardly and feeds him the fruit and chocolate. Can't believe they're repeating themselves so early in the season. What's next, a zombie laser tag game?

Next Chris is standing doggy style over the downward facing dog that is Carly, much like the town sign in the new Canadian sitcom Schitt's Creek. He's caressing her hips and inner thighs from that vantage point. Now Chris is starting to realize this quack ain't no love guru; she's a sex guru! Which leads to the quack telling them to de-robe each other. Carly's nervous because she hasn't taken off her clothes for a man in a long, long time – and the fact she's doing it on national TV, no doubt.

Wasn't the talk that Chris had a hot body? He looks pudgy to me. If he didn't have pecs, you'd totally notice his belly hanging over his belt.

Carly starts to take off Chris's pants then whispers that she's uncomfortable. Chris says he is, too. It was the worst date of her life, poor dear. So they stay clothed and hug after revealing to each other one metaphorical mask they want to take off. I didn't catch them because it's all just so stupid.

Next thing you know, Carly is sitting in Chris's lap facing him. The rule: No kissing! Just heavy breathing of each other's breath. Gross. And finally the release – a long, sensual kiss. Maybe the quack knows a thing or two after all.

Kelsey the Komplainer is now talking about the death of her husband. Sexy Virgin thinks it's weird that she waited five weeks to tell the story. She's skeptical. Kelsey says she needs a one-on-one to be able to tell Chris. But instead she gets a group date. As you might have guessed, the Komplainer thinks it's "unacceptable."

First the evening portion of the Carly date, though. They sip beer in front of a roaring fire. Carly tells Chris her last boyfriend didn't want to be physical with her ever. So now it's hard for her to be vulnerable. She doesn't feel beautiful or even like a woman. She says she's not the prettiest woman. I find that refreshing to hear because she is attractive. That's pretty vulnerable.

Carly asks the million dollar question to Chris: Are you afraid someone's going to get to your house and want to leave? He is afraid of that a bit. But she tells him he has nothing to fear, which melts him. But I think that is a genuine concern. And probability. But this moment with Chris makes her feel beautiful. He gives her a rose. He says she'd be "the best wife you could ever ask for." Kiss of death, right?

Group date time. It's white water rafting on the Rio Grande. A grizzled old prospector informs them of the risks. Sounds terrifying. This could be the last date of their lives if they fall in and get sucked under.

Turns out it's not as dangerous as Yosemite Sam let on. Naked Jade went overboard and survived. She was pulled up and we see that while in the water, she found the missing black rectangle that left with Jillian.

Turns out Jade has a rare disorder that makes her hands and feet cold and numb when they're exposed to cold temperatures, so she gets some Chris time as he rubs her pedal extremities. I can't imagine living with such a disorder. When I'm exposed to freezing temperatures, my hands and feet are always toasty warm.

Jordan shows up in the evening. Who? Apparently she got eliminated in the second week. But this was no coincidence. She wasn't there on a random vacation. She drove from Colorado just to talk to Chris.

Ah, Chris clues us in. She was the one who drank too much. But she seems super sober now. Second chances are important to her. So's love. She's asking for just a little bit of time to talk to him. This'll end well. It's always a surefire way to get back in the running. Meanwhile, the nine on the date are sitting around waiting for him.

Jordan tells Chris that drinking is something that sometimes gets the best of her. Not exactly what you open with when you're trying to win someone back, but we'll see what happens. Chris seems like a forgiving sort. They walk to the others arm in arm, so maybe she'll get her second chance.

Sexy Virgin says Jordan was her least favourite person in the house. She tells Chris that Jordan's a party girl and not ready to be wife material. But at least Jordan has had sex. She was probably drunk at the time, but she's had it.

Chris spends most of his time talking about Jordan. It always amazes me how upset people get when one person is added to the mix. Sexy Virgin thinks they shouldn't be nice to her. Cartoon Whitney disagrees. She thinks Sexy Virgin is mean and Chris does not need a mean wife. Things are getting tense.

Even though I have very little memory of this Jordan person, I now want her to get the rose. She won't because no returnees ever last beyond the episode, but it would be sweet just to shove it in the face of those insecure meanies.

Britt, it turns out, hasn't showered in weeks. She also hasn't shaved her legs in ages. Or washed her hair. Must be playoffs or something. She has the final one-on-one but she's crying because the card says, "Sky's the limit." She's freaking out because she's petrified of heights.

Back at the group date, Chris takes Jordan aside because he knows what he needs to do. The meanies won out. He tells Jordan to hit the road and she takes it well. I hope he makes a mental note not to include any of these nine in his final three. At the very least, he shouldn't hand out a rose on this date.

But he does. He sits down with the remaining girls and picks it up, giving it to Cartoon Whitney because he's excited about their potential and he feels she's there for the right reasons. At least she was the least mean of the meanies.

Sexy Virgin is upset. She says earlier in the day she looked at Cartoon Whitney in the boat and thought, "I don't have to worry about that." Not "her" but "that." Sexy Virgin is intense. She's got a lot of pent up something-or-other.

Now the one-on-one terror date with Britt. It's an early start to the day. If I know one thing about hot air ballooning, it's you have to get up pretty early in the morning. So Chris sneaks into her room and wakes her up. First thing I notice is the lipstick. Carly now confirms it, saying Britt puts makeup on before going to bed. Maybe that helps cover the smell of not showering.

Britt doesn't want to be the wet blanket on a super fun date, but if they're jumping out of something, she says it won't go well. But she gets excited when she sees it's a hot air balloon. Good thing she never saw Ryan Hamilton's routine about his experience in a hot air balloon. He nails it. And it's hilarious. Watch this two-minute clip and thank me later.



Britt feels safe in Chris's arms as the balloon ascends. There's no way she's really afraid of heights. I'm getting queasy just watching.

Sexy Virgin relates that Britt said she loved being single and wasn't in any rush to get married or have kids. Cut to: Chris and Britt. She asks him about kids and tells him she wants "like, a hundred. Honestly, I do." Carly says on a scale of 1 to manipulative, Britt is beyond manipulative. So manipulative, in fact, the smelly one gets the rose.

The one-on-one date started in bed and ended in bed. They kiss in bed, but it looks like they're fully clothed. Then Chris closes the bedroom door. But nothing's happening there, guaranteed.

Although Britt returns glowing, so who knows? But she's met with tension from the others. It doesn't ease up when she tells them she was in his room for two hours taking a "nap."

Kelsey the Komplainer feels threatened. She gets in the elevator and finds Chris's room to pay him a surprise visit. She needs to tell him that she's a widow lest she get sent home at the rose ceremony. I don't see the connection, personally, but that's just me. Does she think she'll get a sympathy rose? How does that work?

She sits down with Chris and tells him about her husband and his death. Chris hugs her. Which leads to a sexy kiss. She tells the camera, "Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's amazing. I love my story." Curious use of the term "story," I thought. She uses it a couple more times for good measure. Could it be just that? Probably not, but like I say, curious. She also uses her dead husband's full name as if to prove he really did exist.

Everyone's worried pre-cocktail party – everyone except Kelsey. Something's not adding up to Cartoon Whitney. What makes Kelsey so relaxed and calm in this sea of uncertainty?

Chris enters and tells everyone he and Kelsey had an emotional conversation. She tears up. Chris is at a loss for words. That's not all that unusual, but he seemed more at a loss than usual. He said he thought about some things that day due to the conversation, but then couldn't continue with his thoughts. He said he needed to take a second and walked out. What's this about? Thankfully Chris Harrison is lurking nearby to offer nothing of substance.

Kelsey tells the others how hard it is to say goodbye. "I'm not going," she starts before realizing her gaffe and quickly adding, "I don't know if I'm going, but saying goodbye is hard." Delusional or was there a pact?

Vancouver Girl thought it was so unfair Kelsey got quality time with Chris that the others didn't. But anyone could have. All it takes is for them to walk down a hall and knock on his door. Surprised they don't all do that every week.

Harrison returns to inform the ladies that Chris's decision is for there to be no cocktail party because he's made his decision. Sexy Virgin is beside herself about the Kelsey situation. Showing her depth of emotion and maturity, she says, "Because she has a story that is so much more traumatizing than me, she got to talk to him and I couldn't. My story is obviously nothing compared to hers and now it's just like a big comparison game of sad stories." But her virginity is pretty tragic in its own way.

While they're sitting around, Kelsey got up and left. Where did she go? Oh, there she is. She's on the floor moaning and crying and a woman is leaning over her asking her if she remembers her name. The woman wondered if Kelsey fell and hit her head because of her position. But Kelsey's saying it was a panic attack. Saying between sobs, that is. You'll have to admit, it's quite a story.

And it's to be continued! It's a real storybook ending.

Best part of the night was the funny little outtake at the end with Megan (I think; I still don't have a handle on what she looks like) wearing a sombrero. It comes on after you think the show is over so in case you missed it, here's the transcript of her talking to the camera:

This is a sombrero, the fanciest hat I've ever put on my head. Makes me feel like I am a resident in Santa Fe, New Mexico. (She does the macarena.) I never figured out why they call it New Mexico instead of Old Mexico. I think there already is a Mexico so they were like, okay, since it's... Well, I think Mexico was first and then the United States came. ... Now I just need to learn, like, a New Mexico song. Or a Mexican song. (long pause, which leads to what looks like an Egyptian-style move.)... It's my thinking cap.

You can't write that!

Farmer Chris: The virgin chronicles

Hey there. How's everyone doing? Are you ready to take the show seriously again? Nah! Never did, so why start now. I feel I should explain my thoughts on Jimmy Kimmel last week. I went back and added an addendum a couple days later but maybe not everyone saw it. Essentially, it boils down to this: I like Kimmel. Always have. And I thought he was funny on The Bachelor last week. And I love snark and making fun of this show (obviously). I just don't think the show should be a part of it. Half the viewers watch because they believe in the dreck it sells. If the show willingly goes along with someone ridiculing it, those die-hard romantics will feel duped. And the other half of the viewers watch because they love to make fun of the over-the-top antics and total fakeness of everything. If the show willingly goes along with that, those cynics feel duped. It's a lose-lose situation.

Anyway, on to this week.

Three dates this week: two groups and one 1-on-1. Chris's three sisters from the farm will decide on who gets the 1-on-1 date. But the first date card is already there. How does that work?! Did Chris just take this group of women out of the running completely for the single date? Or can one of these still be eligible for the 1-on-1?

The girls pile into two convertibles and drive to a lake. Chris wants to see "how the girls react" to this challenging day at the beach.

The Sexy Virgin breaks out of her shyness by taking off her top and jumping in the water. As virgins do. Vancouver Girl goes one better and strips off her bottoms! I think it's safe to say they're not reacting well. Or, to put it another way, they reacted exactly the way Chris hoped and (wet) dreamed.

Here's that sticky black rectangle again covering Jillian's hairy butt and front at the mansion when Chris's sisters arrive. It's really getting ridiculous. She should sue the producers. I have no problem with the rectangle covering the nude buttocks of Vancouver Girl at the lake, though. Well, a little problem, but I understand it.

The sisters' first interview is with Cartoon Whitney. Seemed to go well. She thought they asked all the right questions. I only heard the right question asked once to one person: How do you feel about living in small town Iowa on a farm? That's the only question that matters.

Kelsey is being a prima donna on the group date. She's not happy being at a muddy lake, poor muffin. She's used to amazing lakes in Michigan. She says her face is getting skinnier from all the fake smiling she's doing. Right on cue, while busy complaining, she got stung right between the legs. That shut her up. Nature hates a complainer.

Next was a camping challenge. The Virgin has never camped before. She said, "I'm a camping virgin. I'm also a virgin camping." Get it?! Because she's pretending to be a virgin!

They keep flipping back and forth between the date and the sisters. Looks like the sisters are leaving without interviewing the first group. I still say it's not fair that only some of them got the chance to go on the 1-on-1. I'm speaking up for the disenfranchised.

The second date card is for the sweet, young, innocent Jade, the Playboy model. And she does seem sweet. And probably is sweet. No one is saying one can't parade around your pudenda and not be sweet. I just wonder what the sisters and mom would say if they ever saw that video or photos of hers.

Chris tells Vancouver Girl he's a touchy-feely guy. VG prefers words. So there's an obvious disconnect there but they seem to dig each other. Or maybe he just likes that she's quick to strip in public.

Sitting around the fire, one of them says they're the luckiest girls in the world. Kelsey the Komplainer says, "Really?" Someone calls her on it. They're on to her. She's a real "phoney-baloney," says another (the fake Virgin, I think it was).

Another commercial and we're still on this camping date. On Bachelor Canada, it would have been over in 4 minutes. Hell, the happy couple would be on their honeymoon already. And probably broken up.

Crazy Ashley's turn with Chris. She gazes into his eyes and says, "What are you?" Fair enough question. For someone batshit crazy. She's making no sense. Again. Chris starts talking and she just kisses and tells him she really loves him and everything about him. She says, "I hope that resonates within your mind tonight." Maybe she's faking craziness, just like all the other fakers in the house. I think she's just allergic to alcohol.

The Sexy Fake Virgin tells Chris she doesn't like guys very easily, but she really likes him. And she kisses like a pro. I guess that's understandable if she's spent all her non-sex time just kissing. She thinks that extendo-kiss was enough to cement her a rose. But was that good enough for Chris? He gives it to someone who's always made him feels comfortable. No, not the Sexy Fake Virgin Kisser, who goes topless at the lake, but Vancouver Girl, who goes bottomless. She admits she's drunk. But she holds it well. Except for the bikini bottoms thing.

Now the Virgin girl has to step up her game by sneaking into Chris' tent to tell him she's a virgin and she's never had a boyfriend. Chris was sound asleep. Snoring, in fact.

Chris tells her he felt she was a smart, well-rounded girl. She says she's "inexperienced in every way possible" but never uses the v-word. She just alluded to it, but thinks he got it. I can guarantee he didn't get it. "I have no idea what she was saying at all," he confirms. She wanted him to know she's not a hook-up girl and then attacked his lips one more time for good measure. In a tent. Alone. At night.

The group date is finally over. Back at the house, they all talk about the 1-on-1 date and not one person on the group date complains about the unfairness of it all. Oh wait... here's the Fake Virgin. She's complaining but only because she thought she should have got the date, not at the injustice that no one in her group even stood a chance.

Jade is being made up by an old pink-haired woman. What they don't realize is that Jade doesn't need to be made up. She is absolutely fine au naturale. But she did get to keep her shoes and diamond earrings. She makes her entrance to gasps and jealous half-smiles. Then she exits to a white Daimler or Bentley or similar high end classy automobile. The Fake Virgin, a Cinderella wannabe, is beside herself that she's not on this date.

I didn't mention that this Cinderella date is a surprise to Chris. At least, he doesn't know who his date will be. Chris practices waltzing by himself because they're going to a formal ball. You can almost see him counting "1-2-3" to himself.

Chris asks Jade about herself. She tells him she was engaged when she was 21, then quickly turns it to him before the nude modelling stuff comes up. He says he was also engaged. Did we know that? I didn't.

At the house, the Sexy Fake Virgin dons her princess dress and parades around, finally sitting by herself eating corn on the cob and sipping white wine over a wilted rose. As virgins do.

Jade talks about Nebraska, as she did with Chris's sisters, which is what sealed the deal for her, I think. Chris is smitten with Jade's inner beauty. Okay, he's definitely seen the video.

Chris gives the rose to Jade, sweating like the pigs he doesn't farm. Jade accepts, dryly. Then he has one last surprise for her. He leads her upstairs to an orchestra. Finally some musicians with talent on this show! The two dance. Alone. This is the formal ball he was talking about. Maybe they were early.

And up on a screen, they get competition from Cinderella, dancing with her Prince Charming. I guess there's a new movie coming out.

At the stroke of fake-midnight, Jade runs off with her rose. Chris says he's not going to overlook her anymore.

The next group date is for six. They each got a wedding dress. Jillian, the Princess Warrior, is out of her element, she says. She's not used to looking so lady-like. Now I'd love to see the black rectangle!

They fly off on a private jet to San Francisco. But there will be no walking down the aisle. Instead, they're going to do a muckfest obstacle course. They'll dirty themselves up jumping through muddy waters in their gowns. The winner gets a 1-on-1 date with Chris. More unfairness for the first group of girls. These six already had the chance for a 1-on-1 with his sisters and lost.

Quote of the night: "I had balls swinging at my face." Can't remember who said it but had to include it.

Ms. Universe, aka the Princess Warrior, aka Rectangle Girl, aka Jillian, leads the pack by far. Someone wonders if her biceps are bigger than Chris's. I'd say they're close. She gets the date. She says, "Hopefully they'll let me shower."

Yes, she's showered. And sporting a short skirt so I now get what the rectangle was all about. Holy Kim Kardashian!

Chris asks the generic "Where do you see yourself in five years?" question. Jillian hates the question and explains her reasons. And explains. And explains. Chris feels he's on the receiving end of this converation. "When Jillian's talking I get very confused because the words come out faster than my mind can process," he says. "Occassionally as Jillian's words begin to flow over my head, I begin to think of unicorns and dancing fairies. It's quite beautiful." Yes, she would wear the pants in that pairing. Which is surprising considering the size of her booty.

At dinner she talks about her daddy's dirty humour, and that's where she gets it from. Chris just wants a nice romantic evening. So she tries her best: "Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl. You don't know what she has. This bitch is talking to her reflection. Like, she's crazy. Bird in her hair, the whole nine. Or abstain from sex for five years?" There we go! Romance!

We don't get to hear Chris's answer. But she thinks it's going "good." "Do you know how awesome it's going to fucking feel to walk into that rose ceremony and have one already? Yeah, one more week with me, bitches!" Testosterone breeds cockiness.

Chris picks up the rose and lets her know that he's looking for his wife, not a drinking buddy. Well, he didn't say that last part. She interrupts him: "Let me tell you something. This whole setting here makes me really nervous." Chris understands but his gut is telling him something else. So she brings out the tears. She tells us she's disappointed in herself for not being in the moment and being vulnerable. So goodbye Princess Rectangle.

I guess maybe it was a blessing in disguise for the first group date that they never got the chance for a 1-on-1. Because they don't always end well.

Megan, who we hardly know, whips a ribbon out of her ample cleavage and blindfolds Chris. Then she whips out some fruit and chocolate. For someone who's spent so little time with Chris, it was a risky move blindfolding him. He probably needs more face time with her.

The Sexy Fake Virgin decides to get explicit about her innocence. She tells Chris straight-up she's a virgin. Chris did not see that coming. She says she's just waiting for the right person. He says he totally respects it. And doesn't kiss her. So she takes that to mean he's freaked out. Needless to say, she bawls, as virgins do. Maybe she really is one after all.

Mackenzie, the world-weary 21-year-old single mom, says the Virgin blows everything out of proportion, big or small.

The others find it hard to believe the Virgin is, in fact, a virgin. Everyone except No Kissing Becca. Turns out she's a virgin, too. That one I believe.

Britt tells Chris she heard Vancouver Girl was taking her clothes off and there was lots of talk about sex and that some of the girls were seriously considering going home after that. Surprising they'd include this if they didn't include any of the evidence. Or was she referring to the lake bum flash? Chris is on the defensive. He's stumbling around trying to explain why he keeps giving her roses. He says he's not rewarding inappropriate behaviour. Then he jumps up and leaves, leaving Britt shocked at his sudden departure.

Then he addresses the group saying if anyone questions his intentions, they're free to go home. Nobody knows what's happening. Except Britt.

Chris says he felt like things changed this week. We'll see what happens with the roses. He's got his game face on.

So far roses have been handed out to Vancouver Girl and Nude Jade. The others go in order to:

1. Cartoon Whitney
2. Carly the Crooner
3. Blindfold Megan
4. Samantha
5. Mama Mackenzie
6. Kelsey the Komplainer (formerly the Delight)
7. Non-kissing Becca
8. Sexy Fake Virgin
9. Britt, the Free Hugger

Goodbyes to Crazy Ashley, Sad Juelia, and NFL Nikki. Crazy Ashley wasn't worried about Crazy Ashley. And she had one thing to say to Chris... "Nothing."

Next week they 11 + 1 are off to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Drama follows.

Farmer Chris: Kissing the shark

And away we go. I read a tweet from Jillian Harris (aka the Greatest Bachelorette) on Saturday saying she'd watched tonight's episode already. She said:

Jillian Harris ‏@jillianharris  Jan 17

Watching Monday's The Bachelor episode a little early.... And it's ahhmaaazzziggggg 2 minutes in and we're laughing our asses off!!!

Membership clearly has its privileges. Anyway, this must have something to do with Jimmy Kimmel. I smell shark! Let's see if they jump it.

Well, the opening montage doesn't give me hope. But I'll keep an open mind.

Here's Chris snoring away. My wife says, "That's attractive." And she would know. She's never heard such noises in her life. A limo pulls up. Horror music plays. There's no surprise here since we saw it last week and a minute ago in the montage. Jimmy Kimmel wakes Chris up. He asks Chris if he's naked, tells him they're going to start "an amazing journey" together. Already making fun of the show.

Harrison introduces Kimmel to the women. I think they're more in love with Kimmel than Chris. Jimmy calls them "sister-wives." He says he will help Chris make his decision by making love to each and every one of them. He requests that they give 110%.

Kimmel brings out a large container he calls the "amazing jar." Every time one of them says "amazing" they have to put a dollar in the jar. He says they should be able to buy the house by the end of the show and they can all live there together.

Kimmel leaves a date card. It's for Vancouver Girl, who pretends she's just as interested in Chris as she is Kimmel.

Where are they off to? The limo pulls up to Costco. Oh, the hijinx. That Kimmel sure is a jester, isn't he?

Kimmel says it's the kind of thing real couples do all the time. He's got a point there. Chris makes a good point, too, though, that it's a real weekend-type thing couples do but it's not a date. Regardless, Kimmel gives them a shopping list and says he's coming to dinner. One of the items on said list is enough ketchup to fill a hot tub. Isn't that hilarious?! If you answered not really, you are correct.

Vancouver Girl says she loves how normal the date was. So does this mean it's not unusual for her to buy cases and cases of Heinz 57? They prepare dinner then sip some bourbon and kiss. He tells her she has a man's laugh and she says he has a girl's laugh. I hadn't picked up on that before but it's totally true. Then they kiss some more and Chris says he hopes Jimmy doesn't show up. That makes two of us.

Speak of the devil, here's Kimmel. He walks in as they're kissing. He brings a house-warming gift of steak. Chris puts them on the barbecue. Chris giggles some more at every one of Kimmel's witticisms. Vancouver Girl (VG) says she's dated a farmer before. But Chris has never dated a Canadian before.

Kimmel tells us he's a lubricant. He loves asking tough questions, saying he specializes in making people uncomfortable. Kimmel says he assumes there's love-making in the fantasy suite and VG says, "I think that is to be assumed." Chris socks that piece of info away to be used at a later date. Kimmel paints a scenario of VG winning the whole thing and then finding out Chris had sex with the two other fantasy suite participants. VG says she wouldn't be jealous if he makes love to the other two women because you don't buy a car without taking it for a test drive. Chris is furiously taking mental notes.

Kimmel recommends Chris have sex with as many of the women as he can. Chris giggles. VG cackles. Kimmel should have been on Sean's season.

Jimmy picks up the rose and moves things along. Chris starts in on his awkward speech and Kimmel interrupts to say it's terrible. She accepts the rose and they embrace over Jimmy. He busts Chris' balls saying he has a real way with words, asking, "Do you have people on the farm or just animals?" Okay, that was pretty funny.

Chris likes VG because she's "real." They kiss in the hot tub. Whoa, that was almost ten seconds without a joke, so we pull back to see Kimmel sitting in a corner of the tub eating chicken wings watching the couple smooch.

The hot tub, by the way, is filled with water, not ketchup.

Back at the house, we see Jillian, the Princess Warrior, working out. Kelsey says Jillian works out all day. Again with the censoring rectangle over Jillian's allegedly hairy butt. How rude.

The group date is the "hoe-down throw-down." There's corn-shucking, an egg find in a chicken pen, cracking the egg without breaking it, goat milking, drinking it, shovelling manure, and wrestling a greased pig. This is more like Fear Factor.

Stop with the rectangle, already! It's not that I want to see Jillian's ass but I just can't believe it's rectangle-worthy. Maybe it's all Kimmel's doing. He has a regular segment on his show called 'This Week in Unnecessary Censorship.'

Amber the Bartender didn't get to drink the goat milk. She's glad because someone described it as salty and warm, and Amber said that's not something she likes in her mouth. Duly noted. We'll see if she sticks around.

Carly the Crooner is victorious. And to the winner go the spoils. She is awarded the blue ribbon and she and Chris get to recreate the famous painting American Gothic putting on costumes and standing in front of a canvas backdrop. She probably couldn't believe she had to guzzle something salty and warm and shovel manure for the chance to take a photo.

There was no alone time but Carly grabbed Chris immediately when they got to the evening portion. She told him he's a man and she's a woman so wanted to take advantage of it. Boom. She grabs him and they kiss. She says Chris is a really good kisser. Impressive for a guy with no lips.

Then there's a succession of women kissing him, and vice versa. Mama Mackenzie, the first girl to be kissed last week, all of a sudden doesn't feel so special. But Chris is there to find a wife, he reminds us. He tells Mackenzie it's not right if he's not himself. Presumably the real Chris kisses indiscriminately. So take that for what it's worth.

Becca gives an overly sincere speech and they end up hugging. She tells him she wants to kiss him. I thought for sure they would, but it didn't happen. Not sure why but it appeared to be her choice. Maybe she didn't want to get herpes.

I like the subtle ding in the background every time someone says 'amazing.' Chris picks up the elephant dressed as a rose and out of all the women he's locked lips with, he gives it to the one he hasn't: Becca. She gets another hug. So much for those free-wheeling kissers. I guess it's true: absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Whitney gets the next date. She's the fertility nurse with the cartoon voice. She's a take-control kinda gal. They sit out in the country sipping wine and eating cheese. Chris tells her he likes a woman who can talk. He hit the jackpot with this one. They see a wedding behind them and she convinces him to crash it with her. He giggles.

Worst case scenario, Chris says, is that they end up in jail. For crashing a public wedding. Laws must be tough in Iowa.

They change into formal attire, get a gift and set off to crash the wedding. It's dark out now but the wedding is still going on. They say there can't be cameras following them if they're going to crash a wedding. But somehow we're seeing footage. He says the producers are shooting with their cell phones. That's pretty good audio pickup for a cell phone.

If Chris takes anything away from this it's that Cartoon Whitney is a world-class liar. I think you'll agree, that's a great quality to have in a wife.

She thought the whole night was amazing. Ding. Chris thought she was so 'frickin' amazing.' Ding again. And a couple more dings for good measure.

Chris can "absolutely imagine Whitney being my wife." He runs off to get the rose. He tells her she made his day. This is happening out in the field. After their lies at the party about being engaged, I hope no one at the wedding witnessed it.

Where was Jimmy Kimmel in all of this?

Chris is doing crunches on his deck, trying to lose that gut of his. Now he's showering. Oh, here's Jimmy in the shower next to him. They're giving each other back rubs. So sensual.

Kimmel tells the girls there will be no cocktail party. Instead, they're going to have a pool party. He takes the amazing jar money, says he'll use it to get his body waxed. Free 'amazings' for everyone at the party!

Nothing more fun than a pool party, right? So what better time to tell Chris all about your husband's suicide? Juelia tearfully tells Chris how the father of her baby came home from work and told her he'd written a suicide note that day. He snapped, grabbing a gun, and she started screaming. She took the baby and left because she was scared. The next day he killed himself. She collapses in Chris' arms as she was recounting the horrible day. Suffice it to say the pool party was ruined. As tragic as it was, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if someone had come and interrupted them and asked to steal him away in the middle of it?

Britt gets Chris talking but only so she can stop him with her lips mid-sentence. They start smooching. Apparently she gives out free kisses as well as free hugs.

Next is Jade, the Naked Cosmetics Developer (did everyone do their Google homework last week?) who invites herself over to his place. Jillian goes to wait for Chris in his hot tub. Her rectangle follows behind. She doesn't know Chris is inside with a Playboy model. Chris and the Bunny test out his bed by jumping on. She's wearing high heels with her bikini, like all good Playboy Bunnies do. Porn music plays as they embrace and kiss in the bed. Once done, they walk out and Jillian, the Princess Warrior, is sitting there in the hot tub. We get glimpses of her ass sans rectangle. Nothing to see here.

The Princess Warrior and Chris kiss while some of the others peek through the bushes. Mama Mackenzie, Megan and the Sexy Virgin join them. The Virgin tries to be fair and let everyone get some alone time, but Xena will have none of it, which upsets the Sexy Virgin, who runs off. Thankfully, the rectangle doesn't follow her, if you get my drift. She's quite fetching.

Chris comes looking for the Virgin. Still wearing her bikini, she takes him upstairs. He gets to follow, if you get my drift again. But she can't stop blubbering about Xena. She eventually does stop, though, and they make out on the balcony. She's quite aggressive for a virgin. Or maybe because she's a virgin.

Before the rose ceremony, Kimmel gives him Chris a pep talk: "Whatever you do, don't be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches." Well said.

So he gets out there before the women and says, "Jade... I mean Jimmy did an incredible job of screwing up all the dates." How does he mix those two up? He's got Playboy on the brain, that boy.

Roses have already gone to Vancouver Girl, the non-kissing Becca, and Cartoon Whitney. There are 12 more up for grabs. They go in order to:

1. Jade, the Naked Cosmetics Developer
2. Samantha, the fashion designer
3. Sad Juelia
4. Mama Mackenzie
5. Kelsey, the delight
6. Britt, the free hugger
7. Megan, aka Blondie
8. Carly, the Crooner
9. Crazy Ashley
10. Nikki, the former NFL cheerleader
11. Xena... er, Jillian, Princess Warrior
12. The Sexy Virgin

That means three are leaving us. They're really dragging this thing out, aren't they? Trina, the special ed teacher, Tracy, the grade 4 teacher, and Amber, the bartender who doesn't like warm and salty liquids down her throat, all said their goodbyes. So did Jimmy. And we saw him go off in a limo fake-bawling that he was there for four whole days and had to be sent home. Will anyone take this show seriously anymore? Then again, did anyone ever take it seriously?

Did the show jump the shark this week with Kimmel? Jury's out. But Chris would definitely have kissed a shark if one were there. Man, that was a whole lotta canoodling going on.

In the brief upcoming highlights, someone says there are two virgins in the mansion. Pretty sure Vancouver Girl isn't one of them. And I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Jade isn't, as well. That's all I gleaned from that.

ADDENDUM: I wasn't clear on my Jimmy Kimmel thoughts. I like the guy. Always have. And he was funny on The Bachelor. I'm all for snark. I just don't think the show should be a part of it. Yes, we all realize it's ridiculous, but if they come right out and admit it themselves, it becomes a parody of itself. What it does is potentially loses the viewers who truly believe in the hokiness of the show and potentially loses the viewers who watch it to make fun of it because it's hard to make fun of something that's making fun of itself.