Bachelorette JoJo: Groundhog Day all over again

Hey folks. Welcome back. Not sure I wanted to be here again but after watching the first episode... nothing's changed! Not a fan of JoJo and this group of suitors looks like the worst on record. More gimmicky guys than ever before. A guy dressed as Santa Claus – throughout the whole episode yet! – in late May! A guy in a kilt not wearing any "panties"! A guy with an a cappella quartet that follows him wherever he goes – throughout the whole episode yet! A guy on a horse dressed as a unicorn (the horse, not the guy. And it's not a real unicorn, he assured Jojo)! A guy who does the splits! A guy on a motorbike! Ugh!

And there are more unemployed guys, too. Usually there's one "creative" description in place of an occupation in the group. This season? We've got a "Hipster," a "Canadian," "Bachelor Superfan," "Former professional football player," "Former competitive swimmer," "War veteran," and, of course, "Father Christmas." There might be more but I wasn't paying as close attention as past seasons because see above.

Let's talk about some of these dudes. Unlikable almost to a man. No obvious frontrunner that I can see. I got a bad feeling about Bad Chad from the moment he stepped out of the limo and fingerlocked JoJo's ten digits. And then he started trash-talking everyone. Not in a fun way, either. He looks and sounds vaguely evil. The upcoming highlights paint that picture, too. Who knows what will really happen? We've been burned by misleading highlights once too often. But he will be Bad Chad all season as far as I'm concerned.

What's with the Bachelor Superfan? How is this not stalking? Is he there to find love or to be around the famous JoJo and even famouser Chris Harrison?

The weasly looking man is a former pastor who now works helping other men with their erectile dysfunction. Somehow he was selected to continue next week. Then again, so was jolly old Saint Nick. I'm sure it's a case of her liking maybe 3 guys but she has to play the game and select 20.

The professional Canadian, Daniel from Vancouver, it turns out is a male model, according to the official website. Why don't they say that instead of "Canadian"? The guy got drunk, took off his clothes, jumped in the pool, and poked people in their belly buttons. He was selected, too.

The former professional quarterback is the brother of a current professional quarterback. Jordan used to play in the NFL but I take it he didn't play much. He certainly doesn't look like an NFL player. The guy may be able to throw but he's got chicken legs.

The former competitive swimmer brought a bottle of wine and opened it when he met JoJo, getting her to swig some before he swigged some himself. As he walked off, JoJo said, "My mom will like him." Of course we all remember Jojo's mom swigging hooch from the bottle last season.

James F. is listed as a "Boxing club owner." That may be true, but in his questionnaire online, it asked what the most outrageous thing he'd ever done was. His answer: "Left the safety of chiropractic to pursue my fitness and acting dreams." So another guy there for totally the right reasons.

How about Ali's eyebrows?! Those things are serious! The guy gets 5 o'clock shadow by noon, yet his legs are completely hairless. I guess all the hair has been redirected to his face. Or he shaves his legs. But he seems sweet. Plays the piano, too. But please, for the love of God, no more Für Elise. That is the most over-played song in Beethoven's canon. Plus anybody can play it whether they play the piano or not. It fooled the country-music-lovin' JoJo, though. She thought it was beautiful.

Jonathan, the half-Chinese, half-Scottish, kilt-wearing Vancouverite told JoJo he's not wearing any "panties." That sealed his fate right there. Not because he was going commando, but because he usually wears "panties." Buh-bye. But as bad as that was, we didn't need fellow Vancouverite Daniel talking trash about him. Bad form, buddy. But I think it was Daniel's strategy coming in to get as much screen time as possible by being opinionated and loutish. Worked for him.

How long do you think the Santa Claus thing is going to go on for? I guess the guy's name is Nick and he probably considers himself a saint, but it was a tad far-fetched, don't you think? And enough with the lame "jo-jo-jo" Santa laugh. I loved it when he sat down with Jojo and took off his red hat. Then off came the beard. JoJo took one look and quickly covered up that ugly mug with the beard again.

While we got more bogus occupations, like those listed above, we also got a singer-songwriter who got both names listed. James Taylor is his name and bad country singing is his game. Is it because he shares a name with an actual musical talent and the producers thought it would be cute to have a guy named James Taylor? Are they banking on viewers not knowing what the real James Taylor looks like and are hoping they'll believe the real McCoy is slumming it on The Bachelorette? Or is it because there was already a James F and a James S? But last I checked, Taylor doesn't begin with an F or S. Why not James T?

Oh, and the "landscape architect" (fancy term for gardener) told JoJo he was an "architect." He should have just said he was a "liar." He didn't stick around, though, so no biggie.

The professional "hipster" told Jojo he didn't watch last season and knows nothing about her. I think he meant it in a positive way, but he came off sounding rude and... hipsterish. I guess he is a professional, after all.

Wells is the name of the guy who brought the a cappella group. And that quartet hung around all night, serenading Wells wherever he went. He's a radio deejay so he needs all the help he can get.

So yeah, the worst cast ever, in my opinion. Bad Chad actually made a good point. He said he expected to come there and be up against the best guys from every state but discovered just a bunch of dudes who couldn't get a date back home. That's probably true. I think he also stumbled on to a spin-off reality show. Let's get the best contestants. Have a competition. Obviously you can't have 50 of them, but if the producers went to 25 different regions and held a contest on who should be selected to go on to meet the Bachelor/ette, that would be a hit, I'm sure. And the person who was to be the Bachelor/ette could watch and get to know who they were going to meet ahead of time. That way you get some decent candidates who are screened by the viewing public, not just selected by the producers because they're going to provide good drama.

What's worst about the whole episode is that this franchise is just becoming Groundhog Day all over again. It's the same old situations and reactions. The producers are on auto-pilot. Make sure we get a real jerk. Make sure we get some doofuses. Make sure one of them get stupid drunk and makes an ass of him/herself the first night. Make sure somebody returns or comes late to the party and the others get upset. Make sure one or more of them doesn't come by limo but on a motorbike or horse or some other form transportation. Just plug in different faces. They could Jib-Jab they're way through each season using past episodes.

Will, who did the awkward fake card drop that JoJo didn't even understand, got the first kiss when he forced Jojo into that origami finger counting thing all kids do. I say "force" because I'm sure no matter which number she chose, the instructions would be to kiss. But it was quick and uneventful. Still probably the best kiss of Will's life. The first real kiss, though, went to old Chicken Legs QB, who also, not coincidentally, got the first impression rose.

At the rose ceremony, Jake Pavelka, showed up. We got all the angst we always get when someone from a past season makes an appearance. But this was 100 percent misdirection. He just showed up to tell Jojo he hopes she finds love. Couldn't he have texted her that? Man, the guy was desperate to hang on to his 15 minutes of fame.

After Jordan's rose, the roses went in order to:

1. Luke, the Texan who gave fellow Texan Jojo some cowboy boots because... I'm not sure. She's already from Texas and probably owns several pairs.
2. Wells, the desperate radio deejay
3. James Taylor, the country singer, not the folk-pop singer
4. Grant, the biracial firefighter/male model
5. Derek, the commercial banker (read: teller)
6. Christian
7. Bad Chad, a "luxury real estate agent"
8. Chase
9. Alex, the mini-marine with a twin
10. Robby, the former competitive swimmer. Not sure what he currently is.
11. Brandon, the hipster
12. James F., the boxing club owner/former chiropractor/wannabe actor
13. Ali and his eyebrows. (Sounds like Ollie)
14. Saint Nick
15. Will, he of the awkward kiss
16. James S., the stalker. All three Jameses advanced.
17. Vinny, the barber with the bad haircut
18. Evan, the erectile dysfunction expert
19. Daniel, the drunken Canadian male model

That left five out in the cold. No kilt, no fake architect, no Coley, no Peter, no Nick S., no Sal, whoever they were. Hey, that's six, which adds up to 26. I just confirmed with the official website and that's accurate.

After the 11th rose was handed out, James F. said, "My name still hasn't been called. It's scary." I always wonder how long these things take to shoot. Are they stopping after every few roses to record snippets with people so they can intersperse them during the playback?

Jojo's drink-game phrase was either "You look good/great!" or "Y'all." I have nothing against Southerners (I'm one, too, afterall, just from another country), but I dread having to hear "y'all" for the whole season at every turn. If you're basing a drinking game on either of these phrases, make sure you drink straight from the bottle.

Bachelor Ben: Finale finally

We've come to the end of our road. It's been a long journey but worthwhile. Ben is probably the best Bachelor in history. If you disagree, tell me who was better in the comments section. We had some good nominations for the Mount Rushmore of Bachelorettes. I had forgotten about Desiree and Ali, even if they ultimately chose doofuses. But then so did my beloved Jillian. Still no Bachelors other than Ben on the mountain in my mind.

So what does big Ben do today? He's told two women he loves them. According to my sources in the checkout line at the grocery store, he treated one of them really badly. It was his own admission. But I didn't read beyond the headline. We know he said he's ready to marry the woman of his dreams, so there's that. I'm sure that will be of great consolation to the also-ran loser.

Is Ben going to choose Lauren (I hope so) or JoJo and her wacky family? No idea. But Chris Harrison hints at a wedding on After the Final Rose. Both families are there. The Jewelry man is there. And Ben's pastor is there. I'm dubious. The season stopped filming weeks ago. Surely both families know. One devasted daughter didn't come home and act all normal and coy, like maybe she's engaged, maybe she was dumped. Now you're getting the losing family to play along and pretend they don't know? No way. It's all fishy.

Both Lauren and JoJo are reflecting by the water in Jamaica wearing short cut-off jeans. Lauren really wears them well.

Lauren meets the parents first. She mentions to the mom that Ben is perfection and moms says, "We'll talk later." Then his mom tells Lauren he can get pretty intense and worked up. He needs someone to talk him off the ledge. That's a bombshell. She's not helping.

But after meeting his family, she tells him she's so ready to get engaged. She says she'd marry him tomorrow. That's the expression Ben used last week. So maybe it's her. I'm a regular Sherlock Holmes.

Next up is JoJo, who arrives bringing a plant. Question: Do Ben's parents hide Lauren's flowers?

I get the impression the parents are digging JoJo more than Lauren. She got emotional with both of them. That's always a sure-fire winner. And in fact, moms says it felt "different" today. In a positive way. Am I on the wrong side of history?

The parents tell him Lauren was very polished, just planting a seed in his brain. They claim they'd be happy with either one, but she made her point. His dad said, "Love you, son." I thought dads only called their sons "son" in the movies.

Ben claims he's still undecided.

Man, Ben's pastor is really cramming hard for this. Every time we see him, he's flipping through pages of the Bible. It's like he's never performed a marriage ceremony before.

Okay, final two dates. First is with Lauren. She's still wearing her adorable jean cut-offs. The fact he told her he loves her, and continues to, fills her with confidence. Little does she know.

They're out on some water vessel on a windy day. Oh, it's a catamaran. I couldn't see the twin hulls (yes, I just looked up 'catamaran'). Her confidence is shaken a bit by Ben's "heavy mind." She says he spent the "last date" with JoJo. So they're showing these out of sequence. Obviously JoJo's date was more dramatic.

Ben's issue with Lauren is that everything's been too perfect. She's so put-together, he's having self-doubts, which are roughly the same as regular doubts. But is this just the editor's trick to downplay the eventual winner?

At night, she tells Ben she's emotional. He asks why. She says she doesn't know. He says she must know. Little does he know.

She tells him again she's ready to spend the rest of her life with him and has never been more sure of anything in her whole life. He says, "Lauren, no matter what happens..." and then some other stuff. But maybe those first five words are the most telling.

She says (in an interview that's been used before tonight's episode) that she's scared he's in love with JoJo, too. She can't picture a life without Ben. This is shaping up to be one of the most dramatic finales in Bachelor history!

JoJo's turn. Which was first, apparently. She, Ben and her enhanced bust (probably got the family rate at the plastic surgeon's) get in a jeep and drive off through the jungle. They stop off at a "Blue Bowl" and dive in and kiss under a waterfall, just like in Blue Lagoon.

She asks if he feels good and he says it's a loaded question. Here come the dramatics. She guesses it's because there are two people and he's confused. He tells her he's so clear that he loves her but his mind is in a thousand different places. Now she's concerned.

At night, he tells her he knows how much he cares about her. He also says what he feels for her is deeper than anything he's ever felt. In your face, Lauren! He's honest to a fault. He tells her there isn't a concern with either relationship. She's looking for a sign and he's not giving it to her. They go into the washroom without the cameras. She whispers that she needs something from him; she's losing her mind. She says, "But you love her too. Is that right?" He says yes. "And you said that to her?" He says yes. "Do you not want me to tell you this?" She says she does but she feels foolish. She thought she was special. She wants it to be just her and him. She's tired of competing. She's hurt, upset and feels naive. Ultimately, she's confused, which makes her almost sick to her stomach. He leaves and they say "I love you" to each other. Then she sits down and cries.

It's a new day. The jewelry guy is there for his free airtime for his crappy jewelry business. Why does he also have to be in the audience for After the Final Rose in case there's a wedding? He's done his job. Who invites the jeweler to their wedding?

But the ring brings clarity. At least that's the storyline they're going with. He looked at the ring and now knows who he is going to choose. Which one suits the ring more? I can't tell.

The two women get dolled up. Once again, Lauren out-does JoJo. I like the long blue dress more than the long pink one. They each get their own chopper ride to Ben. How far away are they?

Spoiler alert: Ben says he's going to break the heart of the first woman who arrives. Thanks for the heads-up.

Here comes the first chopper! Get ready for heartbreak! It's JoJo. Poor JoJo. She wasn't my choice, but I feel for her. I also fear for what her brothers will do to Ben.

As she walks towards him, he doesn't have that can't-stop-smiling face. Bad sign. But as she nears, he warms up, telling her she looks unbelievable. She tells him he instantly intrigued her, and rehashes the moments in their journey. Why do they make them do this? She tells him he's her best friend and someone she's fallen completely in love with. I guess it's good she got a new best friend out of it at least.

He looks sad and sheepish as he talks. He tells her he didn't think he could find love. "I found it with you, but I found it with somebody else more." He tells her he doesn't want to say goodbye. And even today he doesn't question that he does love her. She's pissed. She tells him she doesn't even know what to say. She's confused. She wants to know where it went wrong. He says it never did. As he tries to speak, she says, "It's okay." She says she wants to go. He asks if he can walk her out. She says, "If you'd like to."

She cries and says she put her heart out there and trusted him. He says his feelings haven't changed. They embrace by the limo like best friends. Inside, she says he said he'd never blindside her but she feels very blindsided right now. She wants the kind of love she can count on.

Ben talks about how much he loves JoJo. Is she coming back?! Can he break the hearts of two women today? Let's Womack this thing!

Meanwhile Lauren is circling above Jamaica. I wonder if she saw the limo take JoJo away.

Ben takes out his cell phone and calls Lauren's dad on speaker phone. He asks for his daughter's hand in marriage. Good thing dad answered the phone. Which proves my point that the family would know ahead of this episode who won. So the fact both families are there in the audience in preparation for a wedding is a sham.

There's that smile from Ben as Lauren walks towards her that was missing with JoJo. She gives a speech that ends with, "You're my person. I love you. I love you." Ben looks down and a moment of panic crosses her face. He mentions a journey full of goodbyes. Then he says, "Lauren, I never want to say goodbye to you," and she looks puzzled at first and then it sinks in. That was a pretty good speech by the best Bachelor in Bachelor history. Usually I hate these schmaltzy things.

Then the gag rose at the end of every proposal. Just once I'd like to see the winner toss the rose away saying, "I don't need no stinkin' rose! I've got you!"

What jerks the producers are bringing the pastor in to put Ben's promise to the test. You don't trick someone into marrying. That's the woman's job!

What's this? Chris says the new Bachelorette may be revealed but it may not be who we think it is. Who else could it be other than Caila? Who else is in the running? I'm not sure I can pay full attention to Ben and Lauren now. If it's not Caila, I don't know what I'll do.

Ben comes out looking pale. And like Peter Brady still.

No wonder he's pale. He's got to see JoJo first. She comes out all smiles. And as dark as Ben is pale. I wonder if Ben still loves her. I also wonder who he told he loves first, and how long it preceded the second.

Question for Ben from JoJo: What was the deciding factor? Answer from Ben: He wanted to stay open until the very end. He says he just couldn't picture his life without Lauren. Ouch.

She says she's moved on and is happy where she's at. Oh no, I hope that doesn't mean she's the next Bachelorette. Harrison is about to announce it. JoJo is still on stage. Boooooo!!!! I don't need to see that season. Booooo!!!! Boy, she was really choked up about getting dumped, wasn't she? Can you say "rebound"? Clearly Caila turned them down.

Lauren's out now. She looks a little different but I can't put my finger on it. Still well put-together. She's almost as pale as Ben. I wonder if they've spent the past month or so in the bedroom. Maybe. She says she's more in love with him today than she was then.

Harrison keeps hinting at the big surprise for Ben, which is the pastor. Hasn't he been there all along? I still think it's a jerk move by the producers unless Ben is in on it.

What's next for the couple? Lauren says she's moving to Denver soon. She's a flight attendant so it's doable. She doesn't want a long engagement, but they also want to date a little bit. The pastor can rest easy.

Jimmy Kimmel interrupts to ask some questions. Where do babies come from? When they get married, will there be a cake? What exactly happens in the Fantasy Suite? He gets out two naked Ken and Barbie dolls and simulates them having sex. The pastor is wondering what he got himself into.

The Kimmel bit was pointless and not really funny, but it was a plug for Ben and Lauren coming up on his show. I can't condone that kind of cross promotion.

So right after they said they want to date for a little bit, Harrison puts the pressure on them. If he says yes, it'll be the quickest ceremony in history. I mean, apart from Vegas. Ben says he owes it to have his friends and family there. Ben gets up and hugs the pastor. Then he grabs Lauren and calls her family out. Okay, this is the schmaltz I hate. He should have left well enough alone. He gets down on one knee again and asks if she'll marry him once again. Blech.

Ben asks to speak. Harrison says, "This is your show. Go." Ben says the best thing a Bachelor has ever says: "For ten more minutes I'm relevant." So true because as good as he way, a year from now I'll be going, "Who was that guy?"

Bachelor Ben: The Women Tell All

Women tell all! Don't they always, am I right, people?! I'm an hour late getting started, so no spoilers please while I'm watching. I just hope Caila is coping. And I hope they announce her as the next Bachelorette already. Give me a reason to live.

Ah, that's the expression.

Apparently Ben is going to make a startling revelation that will shock us all. Why don't I believe that? Twice bitten, once shy. Is that the expression? Hey producers, we're going to watch the episode anyway. No need for false promises.

Oh, and apparently next week will be a dramatic and "unexpected" conclusion. Whatever.

First though, we are put through Chris Harrison and Ben crashing some Bachelor viewing parties, something that must be more fun in person that it is watching on TV.

Now we meet the returning losers. And a chicken. I forgot about the "chicken enthusiast." Also forgot about many of the faces. I remember a Canadian being on the show but I don't remember her looking like that. Actually, I'm not sure what she looks like tonight. I'm blinded by the lights.

We get a rundown, the Coles Notes (Cliff Notes if you're in the US) on everyone. I'm reminded of why Leah got a cool reception from the live audience. She's the one who outright lied to Ben about Lauren. Good to know.

First pile-on is Olivia, the news woman. But it's interrupted by the chicken. They'll get back to her. They touch on Leah, then Jubilee. It gets racial. So Jubes is going to get a shot up on the couch.

Two mixed-race contestants, Jami and Amber, say Jubilee bragged about being full-black. Or something like that. I didn't quite get it. Jubes is feeling attacked. She apologizes and adds, "I do say offensive things." She tells Chris Harrison she's a controversial person. We get the Jubilee montage. It ends with her copy of Ben's quote that she feels like she's the most unloveable person in the world. She's getting a lot of airtime. Too much. It's basically so Chris Harrison can give her a stern pep talk, a shot of self-confidence.

Next up on the hotseat is crazy Lace. I forget why she's crazy, so cue the montage. Oh right, the drinking and the stalking. She claims that wasn't her we saw. Probably good to stress that for any future husband out there. Now she says she's a changed woman. She's dated some people, and tries to stay away from the word 'crazy.' They talk about her tattoo that says you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. She's a real original. Someone in the audience (I think) tells her she's crazy but she's crazy beautiful. He shows her a tattoo he got of her face on his stomach. Speaking of crazy... Like attracts like.

Harrison asks if she'd go on Bachelor in Paradise. She accepts. Oh joy. Then we can see how changed she truly is.

And now it's old Stank Breath Ugly Toes, Olivia. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of those charges. The table is blocking the view of her noxious feet. She's pretty emotional, and that's even before the women start on the attack. She says it was brutal watching the season. As she talks, several of the women are snickering at her. Amanda says Olivia said that guys should be running the other way because she's got kids. She wants Olivia to know that "Being a mom is my jam." Peanut butter and jam, am I right?!

Jennifer tells Olivia that had she gotten to know the others, she would have found out that "we like to read books and talk smart things, too." The twins in particular are steamed at Olivia for being disrespectful. As Olivia talks about being bullied as a child, Chris Harrison looks extremely bored. He's not saying much. She says, "To pick on my body, to make fun of my breath and my toes and my breasts, it sucks." Wait a second, who said anything about her breasts? And what did they say?

Olivia says she didn't do the show right. Newsflash! This just in! But there's no closure on her feet or breath.

Okay, quiet everyone! Caila is up! She's looking chipper. So far, anyway. Less so after her montage. She says she still loves Ben in a way. And by "in a way" I think she means "in every conceivable way." She says it hurt a lot that he told the other two he loved them. She still lights up at the mention of his name.

Now here's Ben to face his exes. Ben addresses Caila, telling her all the usual stuff, about how much she meant to him, blah blah blah. He appreciates her. Hey, you had your chance, Ben. Back off.

Leah throws her outright lie back in Ben's face, asking why he revealed her outright lie to the girls. Nobody laughs at the sheer gall of this question.

Jubilee wants to know why she wasn't afforded the same courtesy as Caila and JoJo when they pulled away from Ben a bit and he pulled them in closer. Ben reminds her he did just that.

Olivia, Amanda, Becca and Lauren B give their pleasantries. Nothing interesting. Now I see why they have to waste so much time with crashing Bachelor parties.

Ben reveals he's happy and in love and he would marry that woman tomorrow if he could. That's the startling revelation? See what I mean. He basically just used hyperbole to express his love for the woman he asked to marry and Chris Harrison, literalist that he is, tries to hold him to it.

Blooper time. Or as it's called in our house, bathroom break. Lots of belches and unpredictable insects. Hilarious in the complete opposite meaning of that word.

Chris Harrison says Ben is on the Mt. Rushmore of Bachelors. I think I'd agree with that. He was a good one. Who would be the other three? One's gotta be Juan Pablo. Beyond that, I'm stumped. If we want to make a Bachelorette Mt. Rushmore, it's gotta be Jillian and Caila (I'm confident) and that's all I got.

Next week we find out which remaining woman Ben loves more. Who's it going to be? I think it should be Lauren, but what do I know?

But the most important question still remains: Will Caila be the next Bachelorette? I'm hoping that's answered next week.

Sorry for the uninspiring entry tonight, but I'm only as good as the show.