Bachelorette JoJo: Two, two, two 2s-on-1

Howdy. I think that's how they greet people in Argentina. I know there are cowboys there, anyway. The gang is in beautiful Buenos Aires and they've all been coached in the correct pronunciation of that capital city. Who pronounces it the way it's supposed to be pronounced? Only Spanish speakers and news announcers. But you should have heard JoJo say Buenos Eye-rays. Bueno, indeed!

We are more than halfway through this season, thank God. It's okay and JoJo is better than I thought she'd be, but I've got no real rooting interest in anyone.

Chris Harrison makes a guest appearance this week. I guess he always wanted to go to Argentina because he served no purpose. He sat down on a bench with JoJo but nothing of import was said. Then he gathered the fellas together to tell them that his week, for the first time in franchise history, there'd be a second 2-on-1 date in a season. Good thing he was there. How else could they have found out? He earned his paycheque this week.

Deejay Wells gets the 1-on-1 date. The date card reads, "Besame, besame muchacho." Which translates roughly to, "Kiss me, kiss me, dude." Apparently Wells is the only one left to not shared spit with JoJo. All the guys are in shock at his oral chastity instead of getting the sudden realization that they're not so special. She's tonguing everyone. And that's why she chose Wells for this date: for the sole reason of kissing him.

But that card has got him on edge. Even after dressing for his date, he says he's not ready at all. When JoJo arrives, Luke asks her, "Are you guys gonna kiss today?" She responds, "Hmm, that's funny, isn't it?" But yes, that's the plan.

They walk through Buenos Eye-rays and Wells buys JoJo a bracelet from a street vendor. Ka-ching! JoJo takes a mental note: No body, no game, no money.

They attend a performance (kind of) of a show that translates to Brute Force. It involves watching people frolic in an elevated pool from underneath. Now you can see why it's called Brute Force. They do something on a treadmill and Wells, desperately trying to find the right moment to go in for his big moment, goes for a high-5 instead. They miss. JoJo offers him her cheek, which he pecks. Fail.

When Wells and JoJo get in the pool, there's lots of rolling around together. It brings out the confident, romantic side of him. So long neurotic, terrified Wells.

He's so confident that at dinner he tells her they're "pretty different" people. She readily agrees. Whoops. That didn't go so well. Then he tries a new tack. He tells her he had a revelation: all the "perfect" people he dated in the past turned out to be not so perfect. So now he's not looking for perfect. Basically, I like you JoJo because you're not perfect. Just what every woman wants to hear – especially ones who've gone to the trouble of paying for perfection through surgery.

He tells her about his past relationship, one that lasted four years "collectively." Not sure what that meant. But they lived together before realizing they were more friends than lovers. Pretty sure that meant his ex felt that way.

JoJo tells him she's looking for her "unicorn." Wells, understandably, looks skeptical. Unicorns aren't real. She says she thinks relationships never have to fade away. Wells looks at her like she's a unicorn.

Ultimately, Wells doesn't get the rose. JoJo feigns sorrow. She cries minus the tears. It's the polite thing to do. When the driver comes to take Wells' bag away, the guys are all in shock. "No!" says one. "You gotta be kidding me!" says another. It's a complete 180 of moments ago when they were predicting Wells would be sent home.

A group date consisting of Jordan, Luke, Not James Taylor, Robby, and Wee Alex explore the city. Walking in a line really drives home just how vertically challenged Wee Alex is. Nothing wrong with that, understand. Just sayin'.

But it's Not James Taylor who feels like an imposter with these "cool dudes." He says he's not the sexy guy. Say what you will about him, but he's firmly planted in reality. But enough with the self-deprecation. He went a little overboard, never missing a chance to set our expectations low with him.

While out for a stroll, the gang comes across a pickup soccer game. Game on. It's the gringos vs the caballeros. Not sure how it went but at the end the locals come up with the idea that the tourists should do a kick-off/shoot-out (not sure the right lingo) against their best goalie with the winner getting a kiss. And here you know the producers played a huge part in the outcome. With all of Not James Taylor's woe-is-me attitude, they had to give it to him. Everyone else lined up for a kick and whacked it at the goalie but he made every save. Until it was Not James Taylor's turn NJT gave a weak little shot and the goalie didn't even try to stop it. Gooooaaaaallll!!!! and Kiiiiiissssss!!!!

But it was nothing like the kiss she gave later to Luke. She said she's running out of words to describe the level of passion between them. The spark, she says, is "crazy." Why can't someone interrupt them? It happens all the time but never in such moments of crazy passion.

Not James Taylor gets a moment with JoJo and decides to expose Jordan for what he is: a male. Turns out they were playing poker and had a disagreement about the rules and Jordan didn't bend over. The nerve! The word "entitled" gets bandied about. Then NJT asks JoJo if he can kiss her and proceeds to devour her face as she leaned back defensively.

Then JoJo asked to speak to Jordan. Why does she do this? If someone comes to you in confidence to rat out another player, don't compound the issue by essentially ratting out the rat. Wait a bit, then slyly allude to a problem. Although I'm sure the producers put a bug in her ear to suggest she stir the pot.

Anyway, Jordan tells her that James is one of his best friends in the house (even though they're actually in a hotel). He tells JoJo he's the farthest thing from entitled, although he admits he doesn't quite know what the word means. He doesn't think he's better than anybody, he says. Integrity is huge for him. Then he goes back and calls James "pathetic" so I'm guessing he now thinks he's better than at least one other person.

Not James Taylor thinks Jordan is just in this for fame. Says the guy who whips out his guitar at every opportunity.

The group date rose goes to neither of them. Instead she gives it to a guy who continues to make her feel good and special and excited about the future: Bouffant Luke. Then she looks around at the other guys with a "and-what-are-you-gonna-do-about-it?" look.

Next up is the dreaded 2-on-1 date. Well, Chase is dreading it. Derek is pretty chill. And confident. Way too confident for a bank teller, that's for sure. And because we keep hearing him tell us how he's going to get the rose, we know this means the exact opposite.

The three of them go off to tango. And as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. See, this is why they had to do a second 2-on-1 date. The writers insisted. That line was just too good to pass up. Throughout the practice, Derek's voice-over tells us what a lock he is to get the rose while Chase seems to agree with him. He's pulling a Not James Taylor with the underdog crap.

When she gets alone with Derek, he tells her he's falling for her. "I appreciate that," she tells him curtly. They kiss but a bit reservedly. Then he calls her back for more and this time their tongues get to know each other.

With Chase, she tells him she has strong feelings for him but isn't getting anything back from him. He's shocked to learn this. He tells her he wants his future to be with her as soft music chimes in. They kiss, but this time she goes to him. She wipes the taste of Derek off in Chase's mouth.

Then it's rose time. The only one surprised is Derek. Doesn't even seem like a close decision. She walks Derek out to the waiting car. It's back to the bank for him. "I didn't think this was going to happen," he said. Duh. "I'm Derek. And Derek is imperfect." Derek then tells Derek not to cry while crying.

Chase and JoJo walk into a room with a string quartet and keyboard. From a balcony overhead, a singer sings the only Argentinian song anyone's ever heard (written by Brit Andrew Lloyd Webber), Don't Cry For Me Argentina. And as luck would have it, Derek cried a lot in the vehicle which the editors interspersed with the happy couple and singer. That's cold.

At the cocktail party, Jordan tells her he wants to be in love and engaged at the end of this and he thinks they can get there. He says he wants to "do life" with her. She's smitten. He's definitely getting a rose.

The too-well-groomed Robby isn't wearing socks. That should be enough to send him home.

Wee Alex attacks JoJo's face. Bouffant Luke continues to look creepy. Not James Taylor says the other guys make more money, are better looking, and smarter. He feels like chopped meat. But who doesn't love chopped meat?

It's rose time. We were teased that JoJo might be sending two men home because we saw her saying she couldn't give the last rose out. Of course that means nothing of the sort. Anyway, pre-rosed were Chase and Luke. The other roses went in order to:

1. Sockless Robby
2. Chickenlegs Jordan

That left Wee Alex and Not James Taylor to sweat it out as she consulted with Chris Harrison. She tells him she feels sick to her stomach. I hope she's not pregnant! She gave CH the rose then went back to tell the guys she couldn't give it out. But wait! Here comes Chris Harrison! Off the canvas! He has two roses on a tray to save the day! Psyche!

      3. Wee Alex
      4. Not James Taylor

 I guess because she unexpectedly sent home Wells there was room at the hotel for one more. The underdog Not James Taylor gets a supportive shoulder rub from the guy who called him "pathetic."

Wee Alex, who was the jerk last week, got back to his jerky ways just in time at the end. He said he considered his and NJT's roses as "pity roses." He needn't be too concerned. I'm sure it's the last one he'll get.

Bachelorette JoJo: All Chads are cads

That was a welcome week off, I've got to say. However, early on in the show I forgot all their names. I'd jot down things like "Vancouver guy" or "Chicken Legs." Don't worry, I'm all up to speed now.

This was the resolution to the big cliffhanger with Chad hiking through the woods at dusk whistling ominously before knocking on the cabin door and freaking out all the guys. They were in there celebrating like it was 1999 when they found out Bad Chad would no longer be with them. They were wearing party hats and eating cupcakes after ceremoniously scattering his protein powder to the wind.

Douchey Daniel answered the knock at the door and asked Bad Chad how his date went. "Went really good," he replied. Chad puts the "lied" back into "replied."

All the other guys meet him at the door. Bad Chad gets into it with Chicken Legs Jordan. When it's brought to his attention that he always chooses a threatening or violent route, Chad says he has no option: "The only thing I can think of is to get physical." I believe him. That is, I believe it's the only thing he can think of.

After the heavy convo and the guys go back to their party hats, sniveling Erectile Evan pipes up, reminding Chad that he owes him a new shirt. He better pray it's not delivered right to his home.

And that's that. Not a whole lotta drama. The guys practically throw Wee Alex into the air and sing For He's a Jolly Good Fellow. They call him America's hero. JoJo seems to like him, too. As they finish off their date, she bends down to kiss him as they both stand.

There's still a cocktail party. Robby and Chase both think their relationship with JoJo is ahead of the other guys. I don't see it. Although it may look that way to the others as they witness Robby and JoJo kissing by the fountain. It would mean more, though, if she didn't kiss everyone.

Some anonymous dude (I think it was James F.) wrote her a dreaded poem. Why do guys do this? Are that many people writing doggerel? How is there always someone in every group who has a stanza at the ready? But I gotta admit, out of all the horrible, horrible poetry we've heard on this show over the years, this one might be the best ever. Damning with faint praise, perhaps, but it wasn't completely cringe-worthy.

The bouffant guy (turns out to be Luke) told JoJo he's falling for her. He's already got a rose. Looking at them, I think there's no way they'd get together in real life. But then they kisss and it's real.


Pencil-necked Deejay Wells couldn't find a shirt with a small enough collar. Looked like he was wearing Bad Chad's hand-me-downs. That collar was floating around him.

The other pencil-necked guy, Erectile Evan, thought that the three pre-rosed guys – Bouffant Luke, Chicken Legs Jordan, and Wee Alex – were turning into mini-Chads. As the episode progressed, I agree that one of them was.

The roses went in order to:

1. Bank teller Derek
2. Metrosexual Swimmer Robby
3. Chase
4. Deejay Wells
5. Fireman Grant
6. Vinny the Barber
7. Not James Taylor
8. Erectile Evan (producer's pick)

That means we say goodbye to Douchey Daniel, who released his full Canadian with a, "Guys, take care, eh?" And his full douche with, "If this was based solely on looks, I'd still be there." He says Evan and Wells aren't in his league. Well, he's got a point there, I guess.

We also say goodbye to the poet, James F., who spoke well. I think if he had lasted another week he might have moved ahead of some of the others.

The gang flies off to Uruguay. Not James Taylor, whose mother is a geography teacher, thinks it's by Paraguay. Well, they sound like they might be beside each other. Turns out they don't border on each other, but they're kinda close. I'm sure his mom will give him a pass on that one.

They arrive at their new digs on a beach and Erectile Evan says they have a "360 degree view of the ocean." Hmm... I don't think Uruguay is a tiny island. Not sure how that works.

Jordan gets the first 1-on-1 date. He's the frontrunner, everyone seems to think, and I don't disagree or disapprove. But some think he's there for... wait for it... not the right reasons! I think they're jealous and insecure because he was in the NFL.

He tells JoJo he's falling in love with her. She says she "really likes" him. Ouch. Then she says she met an ex-girlfriend of his who says he wasn't the best boyfriend. How did this happen? When and how would she have met this woman? It had to have been before the season started, right? So how would she know who Jordan was?

But after the initial hard gulp, Jordan handled it well. He said he was focused on sports at the time and wasn't the best person but there was no cheating involved. He says he was immature and enjoyed talking to girls. JoJo is relieved. They kiss and he gets the rose. She thinks it could be "the start of the most perfect love story."

Back at the hotel, the guys are getting haircuts and they pick up a gossip magazine. Who knew Uruguay carried American gossip magazines? There's a story in there about dear JoJo that implies she might be in love with another man. The guys are horrified because, as they all know, gossip magazines are 100 percent truthful.

Her ex-boyfriend, another cad named Chad, penned the article. This show is bad press for Chads everywhere. A producer shows JoJo the article. She cries. She goes to the guys and tells them she's not faking this thing. Actually, what she said is she doesn't want them thinking that she's faking. That may be her semantic out.

JoJo took a group out sand-surfing. Didn't last long. Rain sent them scampering. Isn't it ironic? (No, no it isn't.) Under shelter she tells the group date that she really hopes her husband is "one of you guys." I guess that leaves out Robby and Jordan. Oh well. They were back at the hotel getting the full spa treatment, complete with facial, cucumber over the eyes, and pedicure.

Now Wee Alex, the second strongest guy in the original group after Bad Chad, starts showing his own roid rage. He keeps calling the sweet bank teller Derek variations on a "bitch." And it doesn't help when JoJo gives the group date rose to Derek, saying she wanted to give him "reassurance." Alex calls him "an insecure little bitch" and characterizes it as a "pity rose."

The last 1-on-1 went to Robby, who JoJo says is a good balance of "playful, flirty and sensitive." Maybe, but that doesn't mean she's attracted to him. At least I hope so. But it's the first time we've heard that the "former competitive swimmer" was actually an Olympian. No wonder she likes him.

They stand on a cliff overlooking the water and decide to jump. They strip down and just happen to be wearing swim suits under their clothes. Robby's is definitely not an Olympic swim trunks. JoJo is nervous but she trusts Robby. He makes her feel alive, she says. He has an "emotional intelligence," whatever that means.

At dinner, he speaks of his best friend who died a year ago in a car accident. He was texting and drove off a bridge. The lesson? Yes, don't text and drive, sure, but also life is short. So within six months, Robby quit his job, got out of a 3.5-year relationship, and moved. And then he drops this bombshell: "I've fallen in love with you, JoJo. I have. I love you. I do." Good Lord!

They kiss. She appreciates his vulnerability. He gets a rose. On the beach, they kiss some more and there are literal and figurative fireworks.

There will be no cocktail party but just before the rose ceremony, Derek decides to confront the negativity he's feeling towards him by calling aside Wee Alex, Jordan and Chase. The trio were pretty upset that he'd bother them with this. Because... not sure. Jordan said it's petty and a non-issue. Maybe, but if that's the case, who cares? No reason to get upset. Wee Alex called Derek a "sensitive little bitch" this time.

Only five roses to be handed out on this night. With Robby, Derek and Jordan already pre-rosed, the remaining five go to:

1. Luke's Bouffant
2. Chase
3. Wee Alex
4. Not James Taylor
5. Deejay Wells

Three more go home. That'd be Erectile Evan, Fireman Grant, and Vinny the Barber. Evan says the news was like daggers through his heart. He's really, really said. "I tried," he says. Daddy's going home.

Grant was hurt but confused. Vinny cried. It was the most screen time he's had all season.

Next week the lads and JoJo are off to neighbouring Argentina. The producers decide to give us a spoiler. When it comes down to the final rose next week, she doesn't want to give it out. And in the final episode, we see her saying goodbye at the altar to a man she loves. And it's not Wee Alex because she was looking up to him.

Bachelorette JoJo: Testost-o-fest!

Hello Bachelor Blog fans and shut-ins everywhere! Sorry for the extremely late recap. Whatchagonna do? Sometimes reality gets in the way of reality TV.

That was an exhausting two days... and crammed into one for me. I was unable to watch the regular Monday night shenanigans last night until after dinner on Tuesday. I sped through it then immediately jumped into the Tuesday night escapades. That's entirely too much Bachelorette for one evening. And then I was out and about until now. Thank God next week is a bye.

It was also entirely too much Bad Chad for a lifetime. I think I'm looking forward to the Men Tell All episode just so we can hopefully get some closure on him and hear that it was all just a really bad edit he got. Or he gives us a mea culpa. If what we saw is in any way indicative of the truth of his character, I'm afraid for Jordan and Alex... and Derek... and Grant...

I guess it's only a matter of time before something sinister happens on this show. The producers seem to go further trying to create drama by selecting questionable people just because they make for good TV so that it might eventually backfire. And it'll be on them if it does. Yes, there's personal responsibility, but there's also enabling and goading, which I'm sure they do.

Every season, the obvious villain gets at least some love from a faction of the viewers out there. Does Chad have his supporters? If so, what are they saying? I mean, apart from, "He's totally ripped!"

Chase got the first one-on-one date on Monday. He and JoJo partook of a hot yoga session that included pelvic thrusts ("hey, hey") and angergasms. It was also revealed that Chase has a very large birthmark on one whole side of his torso. JoJo seemed to dig it, though.

They sat nose to nose, their hearts in alignment, their third eyes in alignment, and their crotches in alignment, sweating on each other. The staredown couldn't last, though. Chase dove in for a kiss and they got it on. JoJo loves the funny, playful, goofy side of Chase. Once again, the editors decided not to show us any of that side. She says she can see a future with him, therefore he was gifted a rose.

She had one more surprise for him. Not sure what the first one was, but it had to be better than the second. It was yet another in a long line of anonymous, generic singers giving them a private concert.

Back at the house, Bad Chad and Daniel were counting calories, grazing, and lifting 50 lb. barbells on each arm. Beside them, Erectile Evan was doing shallow knee bends.

Next up was the group date and the start of an endless series of arguments and threats. It started with Bad Chad (of course) being selected for the not-so-coveted group date. He said he didn't even want to go. His reason was that he'd rather have a one-on-one than a twelve-on-one. Everyone chimes in. Derek suggests he cross his name off the list since there are no rules. After all the chatter, Erectile Evan says four words: "Is there a Sharpie?" Chad says, "Evan, stop talking."

Instead of the usual talking smack to the cameras away from the villain, these guys get off zingers right to the guy. When some of the guys say they're going to have to work together on the date whether they like each other or not, Chicken Legs Jordan said that if you end up on Chad's team, you should hope it's a bench press competition and not a spelling contest. Oh yes he did!

Cheap shot, for sure, but pretty good considering Bad Chad was sitting right there. Chad countered with, "Wait, what? You trying to insinuate that I'm stupid, Jordan? You're a 27-year-old failed football player. You've done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather."

Then Wee Alex pipes in and Bad Chad says, "You're going to need more tattoos to look like a badass." I was wondering where Chad's best bud Daniel was in all of this, but as the two episodes played out, Daniel tipped back towards normalcy. Still best buds with Chad, but often provided the voice of reason to him.

The group date went to a theatre to see a live show called Sex Talks, various monologues on the subject of sex. The dirty dozen had 45 minutes to come up with a story to share with the audience. Guess who's not that into it?

Bad Chad felt that sex is something you keep to yourself. "She hasn't earned that yet. My life is my business," he tells Daniel. But Daniel told him to loosen up, in so many words, and have fun with it.

The snippets we saw were all pretty good. Fireman Grant told of breaking his virginity – technically – in a double sleeping bag in a park before being arrested wearing nothing but a condom. St. Nick ripped off an old Sam Kinison routine on the subject of cunnilingus. Jordan spoke of flaccid penises. Daniel's was weird – he cut some date's hair with a knife. Wells' story ended with him lying on the floor simulating a long fart.

And then it was Evan's turn. He decided that the pen is mightier than the sword. Or, in this case, his mouth was mightier than Bad Chad's muscles. He talked about the effects of steroids. Not sure how this related to sex, but maybe the part about the shrinking of the penis was edited out. Instead he talked about irritability, withdrawal and complaining that your date is nagging – a clear dig. The guys loved it. Chad? Not so much. As Evan was going to sit down, Chad grabbed his shirt at the back of his neck and ripped it. We all saw it. But as the evening progressed, Chad decided to Trump it up, figuring if he just repeated a lie, it would soon become the truth. He said Erectile Evan shoved him and was bullying him. At no point did anyone ever mention that, you know, he did it on a TV show with cameras all around. He stuck by his story.

Chad went last. He came up to the stage and said he needed a volunteer, then called JoJo up. Chad, beside being a bad speller, apparently is not familiar with the definition of "volunteer." Anyway, he said he's not about the past, but the future. Then he leaned down and headed straight for her lips. To her credit, she turned her head away at the last second. He throws the mic down and walks off stage.

Heading backstage, Bad Chad gave a knockout punch to a door, bleeding his knuckles. Daniel told him to chill. Then Chad said, "If I can't lift weights, I'm going to murder someone." Get this man some barbells stat!

Jordan called it roid rage. Maybe he's onto something. I'm so naïve, I actually thought he got his muscles just through lifting weights. But it makes sense.

At the after party, JoJo was sitting with someone (Nick maybe?) and Chad came to interrupt. For the first time in franchise history, the interrupter was shut down by the opposite sex. That's twice in one day for Bad Chad. JoJo told Chad that the guy had just sat down. So Chad walks off and sits right around the corner on the pair. They're creeped out so they move to another room.

Throughout the night, Chad would walk right past the alone times JoJo was having with others. It conveniently never happened when she was playing tonsil hockey with someone. When Bad Chad finally got his alone time, he told her he didn't want to be with 12 dudes. JoJo seemed a bit offended. And then Erectile Evan interrupted them. Nicely played, Evan. Chad walks off, glances himself in a mirror then does a Full Fonzie, reversing his tracks back to the mirror to fix his already perfect hair. Heyyy!

With Evan's alone time, he tells JoJo that she's gotta pick either Chad or him. He can't stick around if Chad's going to be there. JoJo doesn't like the ultimatum because she's not ready to choose. On the one hand, Bad Chad is hot and she hasn't really seen his volatile side; on the other hand, Evan is... Evan.

I mean, I feel for Chadster. Everyone's trying to make him come off like he's a big jerk. And it's working... Sorry, that's what he said. For a minute there, I bought his inane accusation. When Evan asked him, "Why are you here?", Chad answered, "You're trying to bully me. Leave me alone. Just stay away." Evan is speechless, as he should be. It was so ridiculous, so Trumpian, there's nothing to say to it.

Rose time and she asks to speak to Evan. She starts in saying, "I like you. You're amazing. You're an unbelievable father. It's hard for me to make a decision right now," etc. Great misdirection! She totally had me going. I thought Evan was going to get the boot but he got the rose instead! She then gives him a quick pity peck. But to Evan, that pity peck was a full-on make-out sesh. He told the cameras, in his dad voice, "Guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!"

When the two return to the group and they find out Evan got the rose, Chad looks legitimately confused. She's talking and Chad's face is making all sorts of fantastic faces like she's speaking another language. She notices and says, "Are you good?" He says, "Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now? I'm just honestly being curious. You're actually right now vibing this dude?" I believe his was being sincere. Think about it: It's reality TV. He knows things are staged. Also, out of all the guys there, Evan couldn't possibly be the first choice for a rose. So I understand his confusion.

JoJo didn't appreciate his confusion, though. She said she didn't like this side of him. It was disrespectful, she said. Chad told the cameras, "No girl on Planet Earth ever chooses Evan for anything other than to come and sweep their front yard." I would have gone with "fix their computer" but same idea.

Next we find out that Chad's roommate Derek is scared for his life. A security guard is dispatched to the mansion to keep a watchful eye over Bad Chad.

The one-on-one went to Not James Taylor. It's was a 1940s (or thereabouts)-themed date. They learned swing dancing from a 92-year-old that culminated with dancing with a flash mob.

Back at the house, Douchey Daniel started his transition into Somewhat Normal Daniel. He tried talking sense into Chad, telling him to use logical reasoning and let cooler heads prevail. Then he showed he's an astute political mind. He started by saying, "Pretend you're Hitler or Trump." He thought it makes him look bad by association to be hanging around with a Hitler or Trump. His advice?: Take it down a notch. Aim for Mussolini, the founder of fascism, or Bush.

On the date, Not James Taylor was playing the self-deprecation card, telling JoJo he had "a lot of bad things." Maybe he knew she likes bad boys. Turns out his bad things were just being teased for having big ears and a long neck when he was a kid. They called him "Luke Long Neck." Um, makes sense...?

JoJo tells him he's the whole package and gives him the rose. He "thanks" her by whipping out his guitar and auditioning to America that he, too, one day, might make a perfect anonymous country crooner on some future season.

But JoJo was digging it. Even though he was in the dreaded "friend zone" earlier, she gave him a decidedly non-friendship kiss while sitting on the back of an old turquoise convertible.

Chris Harrison arrived at the mansion to tell the boys there'd be no cocktail party that night before the rose ceremony. Instead, there'd be an all-day pool party. As he left, Erectile Evan chased after him to tell him all about Bad Chad and how he ripped Evan's shirt and punched a door. This kills me. As if Chris Harrison doesn't know what's happening. Remember, the cameras?

Here's how you know the producers prefer conflict over a good match: Harrison calls Chad aside right then. Chad had to know who ratted him out. It also kills me that Chad is insisting that Evan pushed him. Remember, the cameras?

Anyway, Harrison instructs Bad Chad to go settle the situation by talking to the guys in a way that "might be received well." The episode ends with upcoming highlights of violence and mayhem. There's blood, there are threats, there's Chad saying he's going to "cut arms and legs off and throw them in the pool." And we all know how accurate the upcoming highlights are.

So the second night the show opens with Chad's version of an apology. He tells the guys he has no issues. Squeaky Evan pipes up that Chad owes him a new shirt and an apology. Chad offers to give him 20 bucks. And he insists again that Evan pushed him. Too bad there were no witnesses who could corroborate one side or the other.

At the pool part, the guys do a Busby Berkeley-style domino dive. There's no way Chad would be a part of such a thing. On pause and replay, it cannot be confirmed or denied that he was part of it. The editors clearly didn't want us to know because Evan emerged from the water with a bleeding nose. Had to be Chad, right? Chad claims he was 100 feet away. He probably was. And, in fact, we learn later that Evan just gets nosebleeds a lot. So big cliffhanger blood part 1 was phony.

What's with all the necklaces the guys are wearing? Did they have arts & crafts day at the mansion we never saw?

Chad continues eavesdropping on all the alone times during the pool party. He overhears Derek talking about him so he takes his ex-roommate aside. Derek tells Chad perception is reality so if everyone thinks he's a jerk, he's a jerk. Chad tells him to stop talking about him with JoJo. Derek has a great response that shuts Chad up: "If she asks me a question, I will tell her you asked me to say that." Nice.

It's rose ceremony time. It's clear the producers want Chad around. And we know the last rose is always the producers' choice. So there's no drama when Bad Chad is left hanging with one rose to go. The pre-rosed dudes are Chase's Birthmark, Squeaky Evan and Not James Taylor. The rest go in order to:

1. Fireman Grant
2. Derek the Teller
3. Chickenlegs Jordan
4. War Vet Luke
5. All-Wet Robby (the former competitive swimmer)
6. Spindly Wells
7. James F.
8. Vinny the Barber
9. Nearly Normal Daniel
10. Wee Alex
11. Bad Chad

Gone are Christian, Ali's Eyebrows, and St. Nick. JoJo can expect a lump of coal in her stocking this year.

The remaining gang says goodbye to the mansion. They're off for a fresh start to Pennsylvania and a "manly and rugged" resort that Squeaky Evan feels comfortable with.

Luke gets a date. They go on a dog sled... on wheels, then Luke chops wood for a wood-burning hot tub. The tub is a little too hot for JoJo so Luke helps her in by grabbing her ass and easing her into the water. "He's a gentleman," gushed JoJo.

She calls him a "beautiful looking GQ model." My TV must have faulty reception. I think he looks weird but I can't figure out why. He brings the show to a halt by describing his tour of duty as a platoon leader in Afghanistan, talking about death. He says he's an emotional guy who loves hair standing up on his neck. Ew!

Luke get the rose. But JoJo has "one more surprise" than the zero surprises she's given so far. You guessed it! It's another concert by another anonymous, generic country singer. He may as well have been the same singer as the last episode for all I know. Looked and sounded the same to me.

The group date follows the rules whereby one of the participants is a professional (or was) in the activity. It's a football date and old Chickenlegs played briefly as a QB in the NFL. And it's in this game that we see the promised blood that was hinted would be at the hands of Bad Chad. But Bad Chad wasn't on the date. Not James Taylor just happened to gash his head in combat and required some stitches. Had nothing to do with Bad Chad. Do you feel angry when you see we've been misled? Or duped? Or do you just take it in stride and laugh at how the producers tricked us?

Oh, and Squeaky Evan got another random un-Chad-related nosebleed.

Because there were an odd number of players, Chickenlegs got to play universal quarterback, ensuring he'd get to go out that night with JoJo no matter which team won. The game was tight and Derek stole the ball and ran in for the winning TD.

All-Wet Robby, wearing no socks with his loafers, was the first to say he's falling in love with JJ. They kissed on the pool table.

But it was Chickenlegs Jordan who got the rose. He was the MVP. JoJo and Jo.

Another amusing exchange was going down when Bad Chad called Wee Alex a "whiny little bitch." Grant called Chad a "coward." Then Chad invited everyone to join him outside. There were no takers. He then threatened Jordan that crossed a line, in my opinion, even for this show. He said, "You think I won't go out of my way to come to your house?" Jordan smirked and said, "Good one, tough guy. Please come find me." I certainly wouldn't test him. And then Jordan said he thinks Chad has mental instability.

Squeaky Evan was still sticking around despite what he told JoJo about it's him or Chad, not both. Liar.

A two-on-one between Bad Chad and Wee Alex was next. Since Chad seems so sensible, they decided to go out to a deserted forest. Good move, producers. Nothing can go wrong here. The two men take a chopper out to the middle of nowhere.

The three of them sit awkwardly by a river. Alex gets the first alone-time. Chad's not worried. Nobody buys the first house they see, after all. Then he adds pithily that if Alex talks about him, he'll "take his teeth home." Oh, that Chad! Such a comedian!

Alex tells all and it's eye-opening for JoJo. And then JoJo pulls a Chris Harrison and rats out Alex: "I just talked to Alex and he told me some things," she begins. Why would she throw Alex under the bus like that? JoJo talks sternly to Bad Chad and I loved his utter confusion again at how he handles things. He says to her, "If you have a better way of handling it...." He honestly thinks his only options are to 1. threaten violence, and 2. commit violence.

He leaves her and walks back to Alex, a sitting duck. Chad whistles ominously and faux-cheerfully as he hikes. He sits down beside Alex calmly. Lies down. Takes a sip from a cup. Then says, "I'm not very happy with you. I'm not mad; I'm just disappointed" followed by a series of veiled threats because what else is he going to do?

JoJo returns. She asks if he's threatened anyone? "That's not 100 percent false," he answers. She grabs the rose and gives it to Wee Alex. Then she gets up and takes Alex by the hand without any further ado. Chad wonders, "Am I getting pranked right now?"

He says, "He told her I threatened people. Now I've gotta go find Alex." He walks through the forest in the dark, whistling. The episode ends with him knocking on the house door and sliding his sweaty hands down the door window like a psychopath.

Of course in two weeks' time, we'll return to see it was nothing and we'll go, "Oh you producers, you got us good! Again!" Suckers, we are.