Bachelorette Canada: A line is drawn

Maybe my new thing is to post these "recaps" on the eve of the next episode as a kind of refresher. Yeah, let's go with that. Instead of an immediate recap, it's kind of a trip down memory lane. So here is the second update of Bachelorette Canada.

The gang is in sunny and warm Jamaica this week. One hallmark of the Canadian versions of this franchise is that they always give many verbal plugs to wherever they're staying. They get as many of the participants to casually mention the hotel in conversation. I counted three verbal plugs and as many visual ones. I guess I understand it but it does give off the vibe that we just don't have the bucks to produce a show without as much help as we can get.

Jasmine says Jamaica is the "perfect place to fall in love." Easy there, Juliet. It's your second time meeting these yahoos. And that was the other talking point. We heard "it's the perfect place to fall in love" from a few of the guys, too.

Host Noah walks in to a round of applause. There must have been an applause sign behind him. How does anyone know who he is?

The one-on-one date goes to Thomas and his man-bun. One of the guys tells him he only has a couple of hours to get ready so he better start brushing his hair. Burn! Jasmine picked the international model because he's "a dreamboat." What was her nickname for him? Old Sexual Tongue? I'm sure she's hoping to experience some of that slimy muscle.

They go 4-wheel driving in an all-terrain vehicle then proceed to drive on one terrain, an nicely coifed dirt road with one puddle. They stop at the beach for a picnic. He tells her about his start in international modelling. He was working for his father's construction company when he fell off a roof and broke both ankles. Since it is a well-known fact that international model agencies prefer men who hobble due to injury, his path was all but chosen for him.

He got the rose and SWAK. She's wearing a skin-toned bikini bottom so every time I see her walking, my first thought is that she's naked from the waist down. I mean, it's Canadian television so it's not completely out of the realm of possibility. We hear the occasional "shit," too. That is, they don't bleep the word; it's not that they put microphones in the outhouses.

The stand in the water and kiss some more as drones fly up and give us all angles from above.

Calgary Chris, the inventor, got lots of screen time this week. He's not one of the 'roid monkeys. He said there's "more that I think about in a day than what I'm eating and what I look like." Needless to say, Cocky Drew doesn't trust him. Chris draws the line between the thinkers and the Toronto bros. Other than Chris and Drew, I'm not sure who falls into which category.

Next is a group date. Jasmine and eight of the guys go to a recording studio where Bob Marley recorded his greatest hits. (Bob Marley the reggae dude, not Bob Marley the comedian.)

Drew tells us that every one of his "serious exes" is blonde, blue-eyed and beautiful, so Jasmine is right in that realm for him. In other words, she'll make a perfect serious ex.

They walk into the studio and Jasmine says, "You can smell the history" and not one person makes a gange joke.

The challenge is that the guys will be in two groups, each composing and singing a reggae song for her. The winning group goes on a date. Drew is not liking the challenge. He's a salesman, he reminds us unnecessarily; not a performer. "I'm from the Six but I'm not Drake, okay?" (By the way, the Six is hands-down the lamest nickname for a city in the history of city nicknames.)

Chris is up for the challenge. She calls him Quirky Chris. I like Jasmine. She does all the work for me. And this nickname rolls off the tongue better than Sexual Tongue, ironically. She should come up with a better nickname for Toronto.

Drew's foursome is loathsome. Not a one can carry a tune. They call themselves, unspectacularly, Bachelor Quartet. Benoit warbles in French, still under the misguided impression that his thick Quebecois accent is sexy. She says it's his "go-to move to impress the ladies." Yeah, because speaking in your first language is so impressive. The group is so bad that Drew doesn't stand out as any worse than anyone else.

Chris' group comes up with a great name: The Jazzmen. Or maybe they'd spell it The Jas Men. Not only can each one of them carry a tune, they also all give it a real reggae vibe.

But then she says the craziest thing. She says they both did such an incredible job. She even gives a fake pause as if she's mulling over her decision but eventually awards the right group with the win.

In the date, she admits to having a thing for Seth. She thinks he reminds her of Justin Trudeau. She says our dashing prime minister is her biggest crush. Come on, producers. If you can't get JT in for a guest appearance (preferably shirtless), you've failed a nation.

She tells Seth he stands out the most out of any person there. She likes that he gets along with the others but is kind of shy. He says he's totally shy. Then to prove his point, he kisses her and rams his decidedly Unsexual Tongue down her throat. She mumbles, "Not so much tongue." At least that's what we think she said. It was hard to understand her given the visiting tongue lodged in her mouth.

He said he was nervous. She told us it was not the kiss she was looking for. Well, lah-di-dah, Miss Picky.

Kevin, I think it was, walked in on the tongue attack. Awkward. So off goes Seth. Kevin asks Jasmine what she and Seth were talking about. She deflects, saying, "Let's just talk about us." Stung by what he witnessed, he said, "Is there an us?" He proceeds to grill her, but she likes it. And then they're interrupted by "Ten feet of Kyle."

She gives the group date rose to Kevin because of the questions he challenged her with. That caught him by surprise. He said the conversation is more important than making out with someone he doesn't know.

A smaller group date goes to the beach to sumo wrestle. Only because we're in Jamaica, it's called Jamaican Beach Wrestling. But make no mistake, it's sumo wrestling.

Kevin W says he's more of a lover than a fighter but his look belies his words. He's all muscly and has lots of tatts. Just goes to show: You can't judge a book by all its tattoos. The fellas call him Captain Canada because he's apparently an ex-marine, ex-Navy Seal, ex-doctor, and ex-nurse. I don't think all those things can be true.

The final is between Naked JP (who's mercifully not naked during the match) and Captain Canada. JP has no definition. Remember they dubbed him No-pack Shakur? Looks like Captain Canada would win easily but JP used to wrestle in high school so he knows what he's doing. And JP pulls out the victory.

Even though JP won the match, she's taking all the guys out because JP isn't ripped enough for her taste. They play Spin the Bottle Truth or Dare. She wants to see if they can take things a little more seriously because what better way than by playing Spin the Bottle? JP gets all serious by agreeing to strip naked.

Mikhel had his heart broken twice. Captain Canada has never cheated on a girlfriend but has been cheated on. He takes her away in the middle of the game. His backstory is he joined the military at 20 and served for five years. That's that.

She tells Captain Canada her parents split up and she was raised by her mom. Her father struggled with addiction and alcoholism and died when she was 12.

She tells Mikhel he's a super man and super hot, but she gives the rose to Captain Canada. Both roses were decided through conversation. And both went to guys named Kevin.

Cocktail party time. David had no date. He's the "Top that!" guy who played with a string trio. He asks her about her family. Dude, weren't you paying attention? We just saw her answer Captain Canada!

She tells Mikhel he looks like Clark Kent and didn't mean it as the insult it sounds like. She said, "If you knew how good looking you are, you wouldn't be as good looking as you are..." Or something like that. It was very meta.

She rubs the back of Mikhel's head, basically begging him to kiss her. He complies. His hands tremble, but this was the kiss she was hoping it would be.

Seth is feeling confident, but she tells him she wasn't thrilled with the awkward kiss. He agrees it was awkward and says he was distracted and that he wasn't even listening to her half the time she was talking. Bold move. Women love it when you tell them that. Seth, don't give away our secrets! You're breaking the Man Code!

She asks him if he's ever kissed a person with feeling. Leading the witness, your honour! He admits maybe he hasn't, then asks her if she's ever been in love. "Of course! Haven't you?" she replies. He says, "I dunno. Maybe once." She tells him he's emotionally disconnected. He tells her he can fix that and asks her to give him another shot. After all, he still looks like Trudeau. (Actually, I thought he had more of a Matthew McConaughey vibe.) She tells him he was her favourite. Past tense.

Rose ceremony. Sexual Tongue, Captain Canada and Kevin P all have roses. The others go in order to:

1. Clark Kent
2. Benoit, who when asked if he'll accept her rose, answers with, "Avec plaîsir." Shut up.
3. Ten Feet of Kyle
4. Andrew... ?
5. Top That!
6. Cocky Drew
7. Nudie JP
8. Scott Who?
9. Winnipeg Mike
10. Quirky Chris

That means Wallay and Seth are gonzo. Seth walks up to her on his way out and says, "It's okay. I just don't think the connection was there. It's not a bad thing." She just laughs him off.

The After Show got their canned audience plugged in right off the top this week. And Jenn is more relaxed and fun. Although she's living up to the stereotype. I don't hear "oot and aboot" thing too much. It's a gross exaggeration when Americans say we say that. But I definitely heard it from Jenn.

One of the guests was comedian Daryn Jones. I'm pretty plugged into the comedy world and I'm not familiar with Daryn. He was pretty good, though. But producers, there's a wealth of comedic talent in Vancouver. Why not use some? Did you know Dino Archie was on Jimmy Kimmel a few months ago? And did you know what he talked about in his standup routine? The Bachelorette! He's right under your nose!

Not much to report. Or anything, really. So I'll leave it at that. And I'll be back again some time before the airing of the fourth episode.

Bachelorette Canada: Here we go

I'm getting into a real bad habit here not posting a recap until the day before the next episode airs. So sue me! But before I get to it, I received a comment on the last blog post that I should copy and paste here for anyone interested:

Just thought you and your readers should know! We are excited to announce #Bachelorweek, a chance to talk face to face with your favorite cast members from seasons past, all from the comfort of your own living room. Live on Bidchat.com! Former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants will be live throughout the week, starting on 9/19. You can watch for free, or bid in to meet them face to face! Proceeds go to #smiletrain. @Bidchat

Promo Video here: https://www.facebook.com/Bidchat-746770305450967/

There you go. Now on with the show.

Canada has played host to two other Bachelor seasons but this is the first for a Bachelorette Canada. Exciting, right? We'll see. It airs on the W network, whatever that is. I searched for it and set the PVR up to record. Then, since I was at the TV at the scheduled start time, I just turned to that channel. The information guide said it was Bachelorette Canada but what was airing was Sex and the City. Almost the same thing but not quite.

I had to search and search before I found it. By the time I got there, the great Jillian Harris was giving advice to our own Bachelorette, Jasmine. This is going to be the greatest episode ever, I thought (since Jillian was the greatest Bachelorette in Bachelorette history).

I may have jumped the gun a little bit. It seems slicker (in a bad way) than the old version and the American versions. But time will tell. It's hard getting used to new digs and a new host. Not even old whatsisname from the two previous Canadian versions was back. There was some new dude. A guy by the name of Noah Cappe. So far, no personality but in fairness, he was probably as nervous as Jasmine. Oh, and Noah appears to be a giant. Either that or Jasmine is a tiny, perfect person.

Twenty "amazing men from across the country" converged on Vancouver to meet our heroine. I think the show should have had a token American or Russian on, just as the American version always has a token Canadian or Russian.

The limos pull up in the rain. Did I mention this was Vancouver? You know, for those of you outside city limits, Vancouver has a probably deserved reputation for its rain. That being said, the sky is blue all summer long without fail. Maybe the producers can look into shooting during the summer months in the future to help our bad rep.

And here we go. Filing out of the limousines were:

1. Kevin, a firefighter from Waterloo. I believe they said he is also an ex-marine. I had no idea Canada had marines. "I wasn't nervous till I seen you," he said as I cringed. He should have added "eh" to complete it.
2. Wale, pronounced Wall-eh?, a 28-year-old occupational therapist from Winnipeg, who loves to say wow.
3. David, a 26-year-old musician from Windsor. He's so normal he had to repeat his name four times in hopes that Jasmine would remember him.
4. Drew, a 32-year-old vice president of a medical company. A born salesman, he's a bit too much. Says he can sell ice to an "Eskimo." I think he means Inuit.
5. Benoit exits the vehicle to the accompaniment of French accordion music because he's from Quebec. Uh... okay. He's a 29-year-old maitre d' in a high class Montreal restaurant. He speaks French to Jasmine in his thick Quebecois accent. Not too sexy.
6. Mike, a 29-year-old shirtless firefighter/paramedic from Winnipeg pays the limo driver to take off with the other guys in the back. The limo driver does. But he comes back.
7. Andrew, a 29-year-old from Toronto, arrives with a red box. We don't find out what's inside.
8. Taylor, a 31-year-old oil field equipment manager from Collingwood, Ontario, wherever that is.
9. Kyle, a true giant from Hamilton. He's old and tall. 36 and 6-foot-7. He has two cats that he treats like his children, of which he has none. He knelt down when meeting tiny Jasmine.
10. Kevin P. is the only Vancouverite. He's a 35-year-old deckhand who plays the ukulele. He wrote her a song that's actually pretty good. He's smooth. Then he goes inside and pukes his guts out; claims food poisoning.
11. Chris is a 30-year-old inventor from Calgary whose big invention is a burning rose. Good luck with that.
12. Dana, 30 years old from Gatineau, backflips off the limo because why not?
13. Tony is a cowboy from you'll never guess where. Calgary! Who'd a thunk it?! He's 27.
14. Eddie, a 32-year-old from St. John, nervously set up a telescope.
15. Scott, a 27-year-old carpenter from Winnipeg, made Jasmine a box. That's two boxes so far and three guys from Winnipeg.
16. Seth is a 25-year-old bartender from Edmonton and amateur photographer. He took a selfie of himself with Jasmine.
17. Mikhel is a 28-year-old from Ottawa who might be an aviation engineer. He works on helicopters and rides motorbikes. He loves his choppers, I guess. He also loves announcing what he's going to do. "I'm gonna plant one on your cheek and then we'll meet inside," he told Jasmine. Thanks for the heads-up.
18. Ross is a 31-year-old welder from Halifax who recites haiku with long, pregnant pauses.
19. Thomas is a 30-year-old international model from Regina... Wait, I don't think I read that right. Regina? Model? Seems to check out. He has long Fabio-like hair. He claims he's a deeper individual than some.
20. JP is a 27-year-old butler in the buff. And he arrives like he's on duty with only an apron. When he walks away, we see his bare bottom. The guys tease him that he's No-pack Shakur for his lack of definition in his midsection.

Yes, these guys are as generally shallow as the Americans. That's all women are looking for in a husband – abs. And they are all single because...?

The host (remember Noah?) enters the mansion with his arms in a welcoming extension saying, "Gentlemen." Nobody knows who he is or what he's doing there. He offers them advice based on his expertise of being on the job almost a full 30 minutes.

The guys take turns taking Jasmine aside. Again, doesn't look good on Vancouver or Canada that we can see their breath.

Cocky Drew is in full sales mode, jumping in head first to talk about his family. Thomas the creepy model is next. She thinks he's "really pretty." I think when his modelling days are done, he could get a job as a magician in Vegas. But she's turned on by his lips and hair, and has given him a little nickname: Sexual Tongue. Catchy.

David, the musician, plays her a song on the guitar. Right on cue, a string section walks in and accompanies him. What are the odds a cellist and a couple violinists just happen to be in the house? Even the guys admit he is good. When his song is done, he stands up and says to the gathering herd, "Top that!" Jasmine, who was so turned on a moment ago, was suddenly turned off by the bravado.

Jasmine has a tattoo on her outer forearm that reads "explore." She got it on a Taco Tuesday in Bali where if you buy a taco, you get a free tattoo. She sounded serious when she said it, too.

Cowboy Tony is drinking too much. It always has to be somebody. He tries to interrupt JP, who's now fully dressed, as he's talking to Jasmine. But in a first, both JP and Jasmine shut Tony down. I've never seen that before.

Here's a piece of useless trivia: Jasmine's favourite colour is "seaform green." That's the most specific favourite colour I've ever heard.

Mike, the sweet fireman from Winnipeg, says his mom died when he was eight, his sister left, and he's felt abandoned by women. Hence he's single. He's being honest and vulnerable.

Kevin W, the fireman from Waterloo, has been single for two years. He's ready for love. She says he seems genuine. And if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Humble Mike gets the first impression rose.

The party over, it's time to hand out 14 roses. Five men will go home. The roses go in order to:

1. Kevin W, the genuine fireman with the nice hair.
2. Drew, the cocky salesman.
3. Thomas, the creepy model.
4. Mikhel. Wow.
5. Giant Kyle.
6. Selfie Seth.
7. Scott Carpenter.
8. Andrew of Red Box fame.
9. Chris, the fire rose inventor.
10. Benoit, the maitre d'.
11. Wale/Wall-eh (sounds like a fancy way of saying Wally)
12. Kevin P, the sickie.
13. JP the nudie.
14. David, the musician who almost blew it.

Goodbye to Ross the welder, Dana the backflipper, Taylor from the oil fields, telescopic Eddie, and Cowboy Tony.

Next week, they're going to sunny Jamaica. What? They're not going to explore rainy and cold Vancouver? Apparently at some point in the season, they're going to go to Egypt, too. I think that's a first.

There's also an After Show, too, hosted by somebody named Jenn Valentyne. The guests are Olivia Gross Toes, Funny Daniel, along with TV presenter Erin Cebula (who I've always liked), and a superfan named Dani, who won some contest. This show is taped in Vancouver. They should have Vancouver-based bloggers as guests, don't you think?!

Is Olivia not working as a news anchor anywhere? Maybe they should allow her to host one day. But Daniel should always be a guest.

Daniel was being Daniel. He said if Jasmine was on his season, he would have shown a little more interest. She's got a hippie vibe and is very Canadian, he thinks. Then he said Kevin P. "looks like he's from American Psycho." But Olivia loves everything about Kev.

One weird aspect: For most of the show, there was no audience. I thought it sounded a bit dull. Then near the end, the producers either herded in a hundred or so people or else they found some canned laughter and applause kicking around somewhere.

There was an audience poll, just like they do on the American After Show, but there's no way anyone was really voting.

And that was week 1 of Bachelorette Canada. What did you think?

Bachelor in Paradise: The Final Straw

Thank God it's all over. I told you I was (and am) going to sit out the Nick season of the Bachelor. I will also never blog another Bachelor in Paradise. (I will be here for Bachelorette Canada, though, for any Canadian who's interested. Hell, even if you're from outside Canada and can't even watch it, why not check back here just to get an idea of how it happens in other countries?)

Bachelor in Paradise is the WORST! Sure, there are fun aspects of it, but at its core, the show is a piece of poo. After all the campiness and hedonism, they try to make it all about engagements? Gimme a break. It doesn't even work as a pseudo contest because late arriving contestants will always be at a disadvantage. We saw contestants want to stick around no matter who gave them the rose, whether they had a connection with the person or not, just so they could advance and not be kicked off. How is that about finding true love? On the other hand, if this were just a crass competition for money, then I'd totally get it. It would make sense then. The show is just all over the map. It wants to be all things to all people.

But I started this season, so I better damn well end it. Here we go...

Tiara is this week's sacrificial lamb. Like she's going to find a true connection in one week. No Tiara is not the one who always wore a tiara; she's the won who's obsessed with chickens – both alive and fried.

So this new person arrives and she's sitting off by herself and her date card. What a bunch of jerks. How welcoming they all are! Finally Nick went over and talked to her. What a fine, upstanding young man this Nick is. Then he returns with Tiara's date card only to take Jen on a date. What a jerk! Thanks for coming out, Tiara!

What drama! Nick and Jen go on a date. I wonder if Nick will get engaged to her? I'm on the edge of my seat!

At a carnival, they see a fortune teller. He's all-in with Jen, he says. He's "absolutely falling in love with her." So much so that he rubs her ass when they kiss.

Meanwhile, Brett is digging Lauren more than Izzy so he needs to tell her. He's going to give his rose to Lauren. Don't quite get why he needs to tell Izzy this, but he does. And Izzy takes it fairly well. I mean, she admitted she felt like an idiot because she got "full-on rejected" but she's got a fall-back plan.

She regrets her decision to leave what she had with Vinny to hook up with Brett, who she found hotter. She's going to beg for Vinny's forgiveness. It could be the most romantic thing she could do for someone. So she gives him a dingle. And that cad had the nerve to say, "Who's this?"

Izzy very clearly explained that she made a "huge, huge mistake." Sure, she only realized it when Brett dumped her, but that was just a coincidence, I'm certain! She told him she felt really bad, and everything. She also told him that she chose to leave Paradise in the hopes they could get back together "and things could be like a fairy tale." Sounds great, right? What man could refuse such an offer?!

Vinny was very, very ungrateful. He told her she "threw it all away for some guy with a lamp." He called her "shallow" of all things! When that happened, all feelings he had went out the window, he told her ever-so-coldly. "I just can't be with somebody like that." I knew Vinny wasn't good enough for her.

After hanging up on him, Izzy cried. She genuinely misses Vinny in a way she didn't, say, ten minutes earlier when she still thought Brett liked her. Then she has an anxiety attack and thinks she's going to throw up. "I feel like the shittiest person in the world," she said. For once her feelings were accurate.

The cocktail party is pretty useless. Since everyone but Wells is already hooked up, it's up to him to choose among three suitresses (is that the female equivalent of a suitor?): Jami, Shushanna, and The Worst Human in the World (I won't mention her name again). I thought Wells and Jami made the cutest couple.

Shushanna says she isn't going to hunt or chase Wells. That's not her style. She's an adult. "I don't fight for guys; I don't fight for love," she says. So she tells Wells she's leaving. He doesn't put up any resistance.

Finally, the rose ceremony – the most undramatic rose ceremony in history!

• Josh picked Amanda
• Nick chose Jen
• Grant nabbed Lace
• Evan drooled over Carly
• Brett opted out
• Wells foolishly went with the WHW

Brett's refusal to give Lauren his rose highlighted another problem with the wonky show. The next episode will include shagging suites. Lauren was a relative newcomer so he thought it was too soon in their relationship to hop in the sack together. I mean, maybe, but no one is forcing them to make sweet, sweet love in the fantasy suite. He could have slept on the couch.

When Wells chose the WHW, unlike the others who kiss, she one-armed hugged Wells. She is totally in this just for more TV exposure. Seriously the Worst Human in the World.

(One comment last week suggested that maybe I'm masking a deep attraction to the WHW. Hey, I've always said she was gorgeous. Just less so no with her Botox and collagen and her character flaws that no amount of plastic surgery can fix.)

Lauren, Tiara and Jami all went home.

Five couples remain and "everything changes," Chris Harrison told them ominously. They need to put their relationships to the test. Man, this show is just awful, have I mentioned that? You can't game love. They need to rework it.

The WHW is giddy (once again) at the prospect of having sex for the first time with a guy she's known for a couple of weeks. She was giddy last year, too. You'd think that in the last 12 months she might have done something about that. You think this virginity claim is all just her way of stealing the spotlight? I do.

Thankfully Wells breaks up with the WHW before he can stick it in her. She takes it well. Just looks sad. Then asks for one more kiss. She's not that upset because Wells isn't Jared. I think she's more upset at having to leave TV. So the WHW leaves the show and it may very well be the greatest day in franchise history.

And then there were four couples.

Grant and Lace get matching tattoos on their inner left wrists because that's never a bad decision. Actually, if you're going to inject permanent ink into your skin professing love, GRACE isn't bad. It's not fully committing to Lace. GRACE is a real word that can signify many things. If (ah, let's not kid ourselves – when) they break up, Grant just has to find someone else named Lace. Or maybe a Candace. Or, I guess a Grace. Or he could add "land" to it and get a big tattoo of Elvis' face below it.

Grant says the fact they got tatts speaks volumes about where they are in their relationship. Spoken like a guy with a sleeve and chest full of tattoos. Oh, and Lace's eyelashes are still ridiculous.

Evan and Carly go with paint you can wash off. Full body paint but they opt for doing it clothed because, ew, gross, it's Evan. It's also Carly's one-year anniversary of being dumped by the Professor (Kirk). She says if it happened again with Evan, it would be even worse. Uh, yeah. Because it would be with a guy she's better than. That always hurts more.

But they seem like the real deal. I mean, she was around all these hot male bodies and she stuck with Evan. That's gotta mean something.

Nick and Jen seem more distant but does anyone care about this storyline since they announced last week that he'd be the new Bachelor?

Amanda says that her family is the most important thing to her. Except, of course, for the six weeks every summer when national TV comes calling. She wants to marry Josh.

The last episode opens with the couples waking up in bed together. Carly's new favourite thing is waking up next to Evan. Lace wakes up with her big, fake eyelashes on. Maybe they're real after all!

Lace says she feels that if they don't get engaged, they're probably not going to make it. I hate to break it to her, but they're probably not going to make it anyway. But at least they'll always have those tattoos.

Nick says he could get used to looking at Jen for the rest of his life, but then he wouldn't get any more turns on the show.

I loved it when Amanda told Josh that her kids sleep with her. It didn't register with Josh at all. This could be the last night they sleep together.

You know how in every season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette, the person with kids always makes sure their date meets their children? Does it mean anything that Amanda got engaged without anyone in her family meeting Josh? Come to think of it, no families were harmed in the making of this season. Everyone was a grown up and could get engaged without meeting every aunt and uncle and sibling.

The ubiquitous jeweler asks Nick how many more times he's going to see him. At least one more time.

Evan asked Carly, "Will you freakin' marry me?" And she embraced his weird. And she hasn't met his kids, either.

Nick sniffles to Jen that he's not going to ask her to marry him. He does a full-on WHW impression, sobbing. He tells her, "Something's telling me to say goodbye." Yeah, it's probably the producers offering him the role of a lifetime next season.

I can't wait for Amanda's book on Josh when this is all over.

On the Dull and Glib after-show, Amanda says Josh doesn't moan like they showed him because she would have told him to stop. It grosses her out.

And that's that, folks. Hope you enjoyed it more than I did. See you for Bachelorette Canada later this week.