After the final rose... it still sucks

We’re done. I’ll just have to live with it, for however long it lasts.

Jillian is still with Dead Ed. They seem happy. Say they’re going to get married within the year. I’m so happy for them. But let’s go through the After the Final Rose episode.

At the mere mention that Jillian accepted Ed’s proposal, the live studio audience goes wild... Sorry. Typo. I meant ‘goes mild.’ That was the kind of response you give to your best friend when they tell you they’re marrying a dullard. Feigned joy. It’s hard to do. Well done, studio audience.

First out is the ever-adorable Melissa. God, she’s cute. She talked of being embarrassed at how last season played out. Chris admitted stalking her on the set of Dancing with the Stars where he met some dude named Todd, who has since gone on to become her best friend. Or something like that. But she’s happy and that’s all that matters. The process was one of the best things that ever happened to her in her entire life, she says. Jason Mesnick made the right choice. Meow!

Next up is Kiptyn, who still looks like a broken man. No embarrassed smiles from him. Just a heavy sigh after watching what transpired at the final rose ceremony. The wind is still knocked out of him, he admits. He says he clearly fell in love and was real all the way through. He meant what he said. And he’s still got love for Jillian. And... sorry, I dozed off there.

They meet again for the first time since that fateful day. Jillian tells him he didn’t do anything wrong. He says no hard feelings. He’ll never stop appreciating the woman she is. He’s all class, that guy. Boring but classy.

That was a short segment. Reid stole Kiptyn’s thunder. Clearly Reid is a fan favourite. He’d make a most entertaining Bachelor, unlike Kiptyn.

Chris announces, “America was shocked by Reid’s unexpected return.” Only brain-injured Americans with short-term memory problems who didn’t watch the previews the previous week. Who was shocked? We all knew it was happening.

Reid enters with a big smile. He is Mr. Popularity. But I was surprised that during the clips of his embarrassing return, he didn’t give any wiseguy smiles while watching. He sat there and bit his lip. He told Chris that he was experiencing the same emotions that he felt at the time. We can only assume those were emotions of love followed by heartbreak.

Lots of people in cyberspace say Reid looks like Chandler on Friends. Not at all. He reminds me so much of Michael Keaton, as I wrote at the beginning of this season. His mannerisms, everything. Seriously. And Michael Keaton will always be way cooler (and funnier) than Greg Brady (Ed).

He says he didn’t think he had too much competition. I’m with him. I hope Jillian was listening backstage.

When she enters, they embrace and he’s all flirty. Every time she looks at him, he gives her a knowing smile with a twinkle in his eye. I think he still thinks he could get her.

He asks her if she was really confused that day he returned to profess his love. Jill started talking, but didn’t answer the question. She eventually got to the same line she told Kiptyn about wanting him to be happy.

That was about it as far as questions for her. Reid says, “You made your decision. That’s how it works. I’ve got to accept that. There are no questions that are going to change anything.” Yes, there are, Reid! Jillian is speechless. She’s still looking like she just needs to be asked. Ask her, Reid! Ask her now! Ask her to leave Ed! Do it for us!

Not gonna happen. He admits that he still loves her and her look seems to say she realizes she made a mistake. Ah, sweet regret. But she says she feels like she’s with the person she’s meant to be with now. She will not pull a Mesnick on poor, simple Ed.

Reid won’t ask any more questions (“it’s not right”), but one of them would have been about the fantasy suite. The crowd laughs. He got in a good dig while maintaining some dignity. Well played, good sir.

He says, “You seem happy.” Key word “seem”. “There’s no need to poke and prod and try to figure out what happened when you chose Ed and I shouldn’t even have...” There’s the classic Reid neuroses. He downplays himself constantly. He even said the ring he bought wasn’t very good, which elicited sympathetic ahs from the ladies. They were in love with the guy. One of them even asked him if he’d go out with her. She looked to be about 14. That was the only question they showed. Are the setting him up to be the new Bachelor? Let’s hope.

Finally Ed and Jillian are together on stage. They kiss. They kiss some more. Are they told to, I wonder? Because didn’t they just see each other back stage? Even if they didn’t, couldn’t it wait? Whenever I see overly affectionate couples in public, I always think that’s a sign of a troubled relationship. Like, “Look how deliriously happy we are! We can’t keep our hands off each other! No problems here! None whatsoever!”

We learn that Jill will be moving in with Ed on September 1. They plan on marrying within the next twelve months. “Why take it slow?” Jillian said. “We haven’t taken it slow from the start. We’re gonna have fun with this.” i.e. more drinking. Lots more.

One of the questions was about Ed’s “mankini” green swimtrunks. This may be a sign of my age, but they looked perfectly normal to me. Sure, most of my shorts now hang down by my knees, but those things are hard to swim in. Why is it all of a sudden verboten that any guy show off his thighs? Jill, to her credit, said she liked the shorts. Chris was aghast. He can’t believe it. Then again, Chris is a bit of a fop.

The last question had to do with Ed’s abilities in the bedroom. Jillian assures us that there are definitely no bedroom problems. The only problem, she says, is that they can’t get enough of the bedroom. Okay, okay, geez, did you need to go there? But that’s our Jill. Always classing up the proceedings.

Gotta love her. If only she’d get rid of that dud.