Week Four: Sending them home two at a time

How’s everyone doing this week? I’m sick and tired. Not of The Bachelor. Good lord, no! Not of anything, actually. Just literally sick (hacking cough) and tired (but I took a brief nap before the show).

You know my view on spoilers, which is why I can’t follow Reality Steve this season. Not only does he depress me, because he’s way funnier than I’ll ever be, but he depresses me because he’s the annoying guy who always wants to tell you what’s going to happen before it happens. Still, I couldn’t help getting second-hand info from a friend who hadn’t yet read my blog and learned of my newfound anti-spoiler credo. So I’ve been told that he has predicted, with his tenuous insider info, the final two. Not only do I refuse to believe it, but I put that information outside my head. Gone. Plus, he takes this thing way too seriously. Get a grip, buddy. I mean, any guy who’d blog about such things... Oh wait. Nevermind.

We had 30 votes in last week’s poll. A little slippage but, as one friend said, all the girls are so blah it’s hard to pick a clear favourite. Last week, Front Runner Ali was still winning your hearts, but not as overwhelmingly. She doesn’t have most of the total votes anymore. The Front Runner has 11 of your votes. It’ll be interesting to see how she fares in this week’s poll knowing, through the magic of upcoming highlights, how catty she’s going to get over Spoiled Vienna. Dumb Divorced Tenley was second with 6 votes, followed by Ella Belle with 5, Classy Corrie with 4, Spoiled Vienna with 3 (thanks, Vienna’s family, for voting!), and Gia Pet has a single vote. Crazy Canuck Jessie and Kathryn the Faker, who can’t be long for this contest, got no votes. No surprise. But it is surprising that Ashleigh Diaz got no love.

Okay, I’m all hopped up on cough suppressant. Let’s do this thing:

SEGMENT 1: Chris informs the gals that everything’s about to change. And the man speaks the truth. Goodbye helicopters, hello RVs! The producers continue to shake things up. He tells them they will be leaving the house forever. Everyone. Get out.

They’ll be going up the California coast in one hour. Ella Belle is so “danged” excited. When she gets excited, she talks like a sailor. A sailor in a 1940s Busby Berkeley musical, that is.

Gia Pet has never been in an RV before and is understandably very nervous. Have you seen those things on the highway? They go upwards of 50 kph (30 mph for my American readers). She’s hoping it has a shower. Hmm, a shower? In an RV? Well, why the hell not. This is The Bachelor, where dreams come true.

Jake arrives on motorbike because he’s a macho man, remember? A dorky macho man, but a macho man nonetheless. Base camp is set up in a vineyard.

Front Runner Ali is getting cocky now. She says if she went on the 2-on-1 with Vienna, she’s the one who’d come back. Remember when she was comfortably the Front Runner and didn’t have to worry her pretty little head about anyone else? She was confident and mature. But that was so two weeks ago.

Gia Pet worries that she has no makeup on. Does it even matter, I wonder? Does makeup stick to plastic? And she gets called on the first, and only, one-on-one date of the episode. The hint: “Let’s go over the moon and go under the stars.” Usually the card’s hint you can maybe figure out, but not this one.

SEGMENT 2: Gia Pet just wants to look really cute for Jake on her first date with him. God bless her after what she’s been through on that scary, scary RV.

If there’s one thing she’s always wanted to do, she says, it’s to go to a vineyard. Has this girl ever done anything? I mean, I have never been to a vineyard, but I’ve driven past plenty. Still, it doesn’t seem like it’s so out of the realm of possibility to have it as one of your dreams.

At the vineyard, they play the most forced and awkward game of hide-and-seek in all of hide-and-seek history. He carries her with her legs wrapped around his waste, a la Jillian. They find a place to plop down and really get to know each other.

Gia Pet says she was a nerd as a kid. She wasn’t the drop dead gorgeous girl on the cheerleading squad, which might explain the plastic surgery.

In grade nine, Jake reveals he was called Mr. Dateless. Oh, kids can be ruthless, can’t they? Especially fictional kids. Because there’s no way anyone would be teased at the age of 14 about their lack of dating. Who dated in grade nine? Sure, some of the cool kids did, but the bulk of them? He says it wasn’t until grade 11 before he kissed a girl. *cough*Bullshit*cough

They have about four bottles of wine so they break out a game of spin-the-bottle. And like hide-and-seek before it, it might go down in spin-the-bottle history as one of the most awkward and phoney. But they do kiss. I wonder if her lips even felt it.

SEGMENT 3: The city mouse and the country mouse continue their date. Jake ain’t serving steak and caviar on this night. It’s hot dogs and smores on an open fire. What’s a smore? Does not knowing that make me a city boy? Guilty as charged.

Jake utters the first in a series of utterly ridiculous pickup lines this episode: “They say the smoke always goes to the prettiest one.” He’s smooth. In a dorky way.

As they lie down and talk of their dreams, Gia Pet accidentally lets slip this doozy: “I want to be married for a few years.” At least she’s honest. She wants a few kids and wants to adopt a baby girl from China. And a potbelly pig. Because, you know, they’re both so adorable.

Back at base camp, Ashleigh Diaz finds a group date card: Anonymous Jessie (the Crazy Canuck), Ashleigh Diaz, Dumb Divorced Tenley, Former Front Runner Ali, Spoiled Vienna, and Classy Corrie. The hint: “Next stop falling inn love.” Note the intentional typo. Hmm, what could it mean?

Who does that leave? Ella Belle and Kathryn the Faker. Kathryn’s as good as gone.

Back to the date with Gia Pet, the surprising part, she says, was that she wasn’t worrying how her hair looked or whether she had lipstick on. But she’s worried about something. Her heart could be broken. Jake gets the rose and makes his speech. He’s had a blast. No nail-biter here. She gets the rose. Now, talking to the camera, she’s really getting emotional. She hasn’t felt this way for a year and a half. She’s starting to become a real person. This is a side of Gia we haven’t seen before. Her face might melt.

So what did that date card mean? “Let’s go over the moon and go under the stars.” Oh, because they sat under the stars? Meh. Alright.

SEGMENT 4: The group date. The RV drives up the coast to Pismo Beach where you can drive on the sand. Jake follows on his chopper.

Former Front Runner Ali is struggling with the fact Spoiled Vienna is still there. Let it go, sistah. Don’t define yourself through her. Meanwhile, Vienna already feels like Jake is her boyfriend... On second thought, struggle. Because that girl is poison.

Jake wants the ladies to get dirty. Literally. Remember, he’s a God-fearing Christian man. When he says dirty, he means sand-in-your-crevices dirty. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Jake says he’s just naturally drawn to Dumb Divorced Tenley. Like attracts like, I guess. She finds the positive in everything. Maybe they’re a good match afterall. He doesn’t strike me as all that smart himself.

At a picnic on the sand dunes, Jake invites everyone to roll down the hill. They all sit there except for Classy Corrie. She’s really starting to open up, Jake says. Why would everyone else just sit there, you ask? Think about it. He asked them to roll down a hill. Surely they thought he was just joking. Wouldn’t you just stare in disbelief at the guy?

SEGMENT 5: Christian pun alert!: Jake loves dirty girls, he says. They arrive via stretch SUV to an inn that actual celebrities go to! Too exciting.

Ashleigh Diaz tells us that she had sand in every single crevice of her body. TMI, girlfriend.

In the continuing saga of lame Jake lines: “You guys clean up nice.” King of the cheese.

Ashleigh tells us she’d never want to come across as desperate, like some of the others. Then she’s all over Jake giving him the doe-eyes and carressing him. Mission: failed. Jake doesn’t feel much chemistry with her.

Former Front Runner Ali predicts Spoiled Vienna is going home. Which pretty much means she’s staying, right? I think we can all agree on that.

Another date card: It’s from Chris. “Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes.” The two remaining act like they didn’t know this. Kathryn the Faker is worried. As she should be because I had to look up her name to see who she was. The Bachelor Nation is with Ella Belle. Even I like her now. She’s sweet. She’s good looking (enough). She’s a good mother. She’d make a great wife for Jake.

Back at the inn, Jake needs to find out if Dumb Divorced Tenley is over her ex partner. He was a cop. She found out about his cheating ways through phone bills. So she’s a snoop.

Here’s something I either forgot or didn’t notice before: She’s only 25! She seems so mature. Whereas Spoiled Vienna totally seems the 23 she is.

Jake thinks Spoiled Vienna brings all the grief she gets from everyone else on herself. He’s been pumping the brakes a little bit with her, if you know what I mean.

The rose goes to the babydoll-voiced Dumb Divorced Tenley. Ashleigh Diaz suggests anyone that bubbly all the time is probably psychotic.

SEGMENT 6: The two-on-one takes place at Big Sur national forest. Kathryn the Faker, who we’ve barely gotten to know this season, kind of has a Madeline Kahn look and voice. And not in a good way.

At dinner with the three of them, Ella Belle asks Jake what he looks for in a woman and he says where they anchor their faith is the most important thing followed by family values. Ella talks more about her kid. Kathryn the Faker tries to get a word in and can’t. She feels like the third wheel. Maybe it’s time to slip that fake engagement ring on again.

Jake and Ella Belle go sit on the front porch. She wants him to see she’s more than just a mom. Maybe not talking about your kid at every opportunity might be the way to go then. Just a suggestion.

When Kathryn the Faker finally gets some alone time with Jake, he unloads another doozy, telling her he keeps getting lost in her eyes. And says how absolutely gorgeous she looks. Even with those compliments, she starts bitching that he doesn’t pay attention to her. Good move, Kathryn. Guys love unnecessary emotional volcanoes when they barely know you. And bossiness. You’re on the right track. Just keep on keeping on.

I see Kathryn is 25, too, but she looks way older, don’t you think?

SEGMENT 7: The girls back at the RV have no clue who will come home. Seems Jake doesn’t, either.

Jake asks to talk to Ella Belle outside and gives her the serious face. “Ella, I think you’re such an amazing person...” Here we go. She’s “the complete package...” He just lost half of America when he let her go, I think. She channels her inner Yoda and says, “Be wise in who you choose.” I think she was probably the most perfect match for him there. Maybe he had a hangup with raising someone else’s son.

Ooh, now he’s sending Kathryn the Faker home, too! I tell you, this guy is in charge. Screw the format!

Kathryn gets the biggest laugh of the night when she says, “I really thought I had the rose. I mean, did anyone see that coming at all?” Classic!

This is the first of many decisions he’s going to make that nobody’s going to understand, he says. And it’s only going to get worse. So Spoiled Vienna it is, it looks like!

I wonder why he didn’t get to keep the rose since both went home. But there it goes in the bonfire of the vanities.

SEGMENT 8: Former Front Runner Ali is fearful. “I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, Vienna’s going home.” No, Ali, you’ve said it more times than that. She’s not alone, though. Classy Corrie also thinks Vienna’s a goner.

The RV pulls up to a mansion. It’s cocktail party time. Seven girls left. One woman goes home.

Former Front Runner Ali sucks up, telling him he thought what he did last night was "unbelievably honourable." Ironically, her saying this was the opposite.

Anonymous Jessie (the Crazy Canuck who bears a resemblance to a young brunette Rosanna Arquette) realizes it’s time to get some face time on camera before her 15 minutes of fame are over and the only way she can do that is by badmouthing Spoiled Vienna to Jake. It works for everyone else. And sure enough it works again. There she is on our TV. My wife said, “Who is that?”

Jessie tells Jake that Vienna is self-centered and spoiled. She has to top everything. She talks about the cars she’s crashed. Her dad writes cheques to cover them for her. Jake says he appreciates the information. He’s an automoton.

I can see that Spoiled Vienna is good looking but I don’t like her looks. How is it that being spoiled can show up on her face? Am I reading too much into what we’ve been told? She tells Jake she just jokes around and the other girls are so uptight they don’t get it. She is convincing, I’ll give her that.

Former Front Runner Ali says if Spoiled Vienna stays, and she’s lucky enough to get a rose, she’ll accept it with dignity, then have a conversation he would never expect. I can't imagine what she's talking about since everyone has already had that conversation with him already and he keeps picking her.

SEGMENT 9: Rose ceremony. Gia Pet, who it appears has used a whole stick of lipstick over her collagen, and Dumb Divorced Tenley are in. Four roses to be handed out. One goes home. Let me pause the PVR a second to make a prediction. I say Ashleigh Diaz will go home; my wife says Anonymous Jessie (or, as she calls her, “the dark haired girl”).

And now in order they are:

3. Former Front Runner Ali. A no-brainer.
4. Classy Corrie. Totally.

Jake’s losing it a bit. He’s a total wreck. He needs a minute. Full-on documentary style as we see the crew behind the scenes while the camera wobbles out to follow Jake in his search for Chris.

Jake needs advice. Does he have to give out two more roses, he needs to know? And we break for commercial.

So if he does just give out one more, who will it go to? My wife thinks it’ll go to Spoiled Vienna. Maybe. See, I’ve been tainted by those cursed spoilers courtesy of Virtual Steve. But if I didn’t know that, I’d say Anonymous (formerly Crazy Canuck) Jessie.

SEGMENT 10: Isn’t Chris just a host? Does he call the shots? [Just checked the credits after the show. A series of producers was listed before Chris Harrison, who is named as the host only.] Does Chris get to make the final call? Shouldn’t he get paid more for those kinds of on-the-fly decisions? Or are we not seeing the full picture. Surely he has to go talk it over with his bosses first.

Anyway, Jake wins. Chris takes a rose away. Two will be going home now instead of just one. And the last rose goes to...
5. Spoiled Vienna!!!

Oh well, at least there will be fun in the house next week and a reason for us all to come back. Looks like the wife and I were both originally right. Anonymous Jessie and Ashleigh Diaz are both going home. But at least they can go away feeling pretty good about themselves. They both know they're better than Spoiled Vienna.

Former Front Runner Ali looks crestfallen.

Jake the pilot is on autopilot. “You’re absolutly amazing,” he tells Jessie. “You have a beautiful heart. I heard every word you said.” Uh, apparently not.

Former Front Runner Ali is pissed.

Jessie is disappointed in herself. I think it was the skimpy outfit and the green eyeshadow that did her in.

Here we go with Ashleigh Diaz. Disengage autopilot, Capt. Jake! But no. He’s all, “I’m so glad you came. Blah blah blah.” But Ashleigh Diaz makes it all worthwhile: “Vienna over me? Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? That is awesome. If he can’t see what kind of person Vienna is over me, I pity him. There’s a reason why she doesn’t have any friends in the house. I do feel like I’m the most compatible. I’m the most mature.” she says with mascara running down her cheeks.

So where does that leave us? Gia, Tenley, Ali, Corrie, and Vienna... One of these things is not like the other/One of these things just doesn’t belong. Good times ahead.

I did happen to catch Jake on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week and unlike other Bachelor/ettes, he wouldn’t even admit to having chosen anyone. Usually they’re coy and say they’re in love and found someone, but he couldn’t even do that. So who knows.

That’s it for another week. Comments are always welcome. Ah, who am I kidding? They’re the only thing that keeps me going.