Week 2: Danger lurks

Oh, good Lord. Is it Monday already? It’s my basketball night. This means a late night as I get home, fire up the PVR and watch what everyone has seen already, working late into the night so you’ll be able to enjoy a write-up with your morning coffee. Or something like that.

Some anonymous person commented that I was a little harsh in calling sweet Ali “chunky” last week. I place no value judgment on such a descriptive. Hot women come in all shapes and sizes... Well, maybe not all, but certainly a little chunky is okay. And it’s all relative anyway. We’re only comparing her to all the previous rail thin Bachelorettes. Anyway, I’ll take a closer look tonight. Her chunk, I thought, is more in the lower half, from the ankles to the butt, but point taken. She’s still a looker. Feel free to disagree with anything I write here. But Anonymous, I will never rescind my gold-star rating for Jillian. She can do no wrong in my book (except for choosing that dolt, Ed).

Enough chit-chat. On with the show!

Chris informs the guys what’s going down this week: Not everyone gets a date this week. Hyper Dweeb Frank gets a one-on-one date that says, “All signs point to love.” Hmm, could it be the big Hollywood sign we saw in the promo? Probably. The Dweeb is practically hyperventilating. When he wears his glasses, he looks a bit like the funny guy from a couple seasons ago. I forget his name. He’s from Philly and I really liked him. You know who I mean. The one Jillian should have chosen. The difference is that the Philly guy was actually funny. The Dweeb is just annoying and over-the-top.

We see Ali doing her hair in the mirror. She’s wearing more make-up than she probably has worn cumulatively in her life up to this point. She’s a natural beauty; she doesn’t need the help. Then again, the make-up is trying in vain to cover up that big zit on her chin.

She says the Dweeb impressed her the first night and he seems like he’s a lot of fun. Sigh. Oh, Ali. Is that all it takes? I guess just about anyone is funny compared to Jake, but still.

Weather Man thinks he has the best personality of all the 17 guys. He’s one step up from A.M. deejay, for the love of God, and just down from insurance salesman. Get a grip. He’s already whining that he hasn’t had the chance to make a connection yet, four minutes into the second episode.

I gotta admit that Ali, in her yellow top and capri pants, is looking very cute and not in the least chunky. I think ABC must have supplied her with a personal trainer in the off-season.

As they drive off in a classic convertible, Ali says they’re going to be doing “funny, silly things” today. The Dweeb will take that to mean being loud. Count on it.

“I’ve got a beautiful girl, we’re in a beautiful car cruising down the highway, what could go wrong?” Well, considering that was a voice-over after-the-fact, the Dweeb knew exactly what went wrong. The car broke down. There was a knockin’ in the engine and Bob Hope wasn’t there to help. (You older readers will understand that reference.)

Do you think the producers rigged the car to test the Dweeb? If so, he failed miserably. Didn’t even open the hood to pretend to be looking for something.

***

They just hop out of the car and run down the side of the highway. And she’s impressed that the Dweeb just went with it. She impresses easily. At least she isn’t a princess who demanded he fix the car.

They take a van to Hollywood where Ali is accosted by fans who want her autograph. She plays right along and hams it up for photos. The Dweeb does, too, and “that’s exactly the type of man” she wants to be with.

Ugly Craig has a tete-a-tete by the pool with the Wrassler (Rated R’s new nickname as decided by me). Ugly Craig doesn’t like the fact the Wrassler didn’t tell him right off the bat what he did for a living. I think Ugly Craig is jealous.

Ali kind of has a young Jody Foster look to her, doesn’t she? That’s a good thing, even if Jody plays for the other team.

Ali and the Dweeb walk down the mountain (hill?) and sit by the famous Hollywood sign. She wants to know about his time in Paris where he lived after he gave up his job to write screenplays. I’m just guessing here, but I’m gonna say it wasn’t a success, given that the graphics identify him as a “retail manager”. But at least the Dweeb is honest about it, telling her he manages a retail store while he writes. Or maybe he’s just delusional.

The Dweeb tells Ali that a career will always be there and one can always jump back into said career later but we only have so many shots at finding love. Ali knows that all too well now after her ridiculous decision to go back to her wonderful job at Facebook last season. So wonderful she quit it a few weeks later. Hey, it’s been two straight seasons where someone’s had to make the tough choice between love and job. I wonder if someone will pull that card again this season.

They kiss under the Hollywood sign. The Dweeb is already starting to feel something for her. It looks mutual.

***

Ali is so happy she’s met someone like the Dweeb. He seems to have settled down a bit. He doesn’t need to get noticed anymore and is more tolerable. I think they even make a good couple. God, I’m a suck.

As they sit on the hood of the now fixed classic convertible overlooking Los Angeles, Ali tells the Dweeb he has the four things she’s looking for:

1. He’s funny. “So funny.” (I know. Can you believe it?)
   
2. Smart.
   
3. Quirky (which she pronounces “quarky”). “There’s nothing normal about you,” she tells him. Oh, Ali, you charmer!
   
4. ... Well, three things, apparently. She never does mention the fourth.
   

Back at the house, the group date card is read by Big Ear Ty. The group consists of Weather Man, Big Ears, Vancouver Chris (we’ll call him Homeboy from now on), Origami Kirk (gotta find him a new nickname), the Uke Wiz, Tyler B. (again, we’ll find him a moniker, don’t you fret), Steve the Front Runner (ditto), Ugly Craig, Chris the Magician (ditto), the Sarnia Sleaze, the Wrassler, and ...

Wait just a second here. I actually paused this at the date card so I could read the names off the list. Then I hit play and listened to Big Ears read the list and it was different! He read Jason’s name and it was not on the list. And he didn’t read Kasey’s name, which was last on the list. I wonder what happened. Ah, good old deceitful reality television.

Anyway, the clue for the date is, “Picture us together.” And now the bitchiness starts. Weather Man isn’t thrilled with being on a date with the Sarnia Sleaze. Weather Man thinks the Sarnia Sleaze is “not a good person. Period”. Then the Sleaze takes a shot at the guy with the back full of tattoos. (I don’t know who this is. I’m just learning these characters.) The Sleaze says, “I want to know what Ali’s going to think when she sees your [bleeping] tattoos.” It gets a big laugh from the subject of the attact, so he follows it up with, “Are you serious? Did your mom do that for you?” Ah, he’s a good Canadian kid with good Canadian values. No one has tattoos up in the Great White North unless they’re in a gang. Or entertainment wrestling. Am I right, fellow Canucks? He keeps going, saying he doesn’t think Ali is looking for a man with a lot of tattoos. Yeah, he’s being a jerk, but he’s probably right. We’ll see, anyway.

And it just gets better in the kitchen. The Sarnia Sleaze won’t let it go. He’s hammering away at Tattoo, who’s taking it well until Sarnia gives him a little push in the back. But the Wrassler comes in and leads the Sleaze away. The Sleaze is kinda proud of himself that he got Tattoo going. It’s a game for him.

See, this is the difference between men and women. Ply the ladies with alcohol and there are tears; ply the guys and there’s the threat of violence.

Back on the hillside, Ali and the Dweeb are drinking. That’s a good example to set for America, isn’t it? Drink then drive.

The Dweeb gets the rose and they smooch on the hood of the car, pissed out of their minds. Then they hop in the car and drive home, only killing two people along the way.

***

Group date time. Ali’s parading around in a bikini top and... pants! Aha! Did I not say she was a little chunky from the waste down? But she looks fine up top when she sucks in her gut.

They’re in Malibu for a photo shoot. It’s a sexy guy calendar. Keep in mind, this is not a blatant attempt by Ali to see the guys’ packages in their Speedos, nor is it a blatant attempt by the network to draw in female viewers. No siree, Bob. This is for charity. They’re giving back to the community, damnit!

Good Lord, they just showed Tyler V. talking to the camera. That guy’s got zero charisma and no looks. Should we call him Zed? I think so. Not that we’re going to call him anything for long... Weird. Last week I called him Tyler B. This week he’s Tyler V. Did I get that wrong or did they change his name? Just what I thought. They must have changed his name because I don’t usually make mistakes.

Zed says it dawned on him that he might be on somebody’s wall. I’m guessing they’ll put him on February if they want to move these calendars. No need to look at that guy for more than 28 days.

Too funny. Every time they show Ugly Craig in his red Speedo, they blur out his package. What does that mean?

Weather Man is anxious, nervous and a little stressed. Suffice it to say he doesn’t quite have the body of, oh, say, Steve the Front Runner, who looks positively anorexic. Yeah, he’s got abs but you can also see his spine from the front. Not a good look. I think we have a new nickname for him, though: Bones.

Big Ears serenades Ali on the beach with some twangy song accompanying himself on guitar. Ali isn’t swooning. Jillian would be in the guy’s shorts by this point. Ugly Craig hits the nail on the head, saying, “What’s with the Bachelorette and guitar players? It’s like, oh my God, man. Come on, bro.” I couldn't have said it any better myself.

***

At night, Ali is wearing a mini skirt. And her legs and ankles look fine. See, I’m big enough to admit I made a mistake.

Big Ears lets Ali know he was married for two years. Ali didn’t run in horror the other way. Imagine. They always make it out to be this big, horrible secret but nobody these days cares. Then again, has anyone ever been given the final rose who has been divorced? Hmm.

Weather Man thinks the Sarnia Sleaze is “totally out of his mind”. He’s “a category 6 asshole, which is off the charts.” We see a series of out of context crazy shots of SS staring menacingly, as if to drive his point home. Then the little Weather Man shows us his brown belt moves, striking fear into one and all. He really thinks Sarnia is a dangerous guy. I don’t see it.

Weather Man runs off to Ali to give his opinion. He’s looking really, shall we say, metrosexual. He’s basically playing the Ali role from last season. She’s gotta listen to him since she did the exact same thing to Vienna.

Back at the house, another date card arrives. “Use these when the time is right.” In a box are cufflinks. Who’s initials are J.B.? Why, it’s Jesse the Mumbler.

The Wrassler hobbles down to see Ali for some one-on-one time. Ali by this point is slurring her words. She cuddles up to the Wrassler and slurs, “I like you.”

The rose goes to Big Ears, the divorcé. Weather Man is still stewing over the Sarnia Sleaze. It’s uncanny the parallels to Ali from last season. He’s saying if she keeps the Sleaze around, he’s going home because it’s a huge red flag.

***

Time for the date with the Mumbler. Ah! He’s the one with the tatts. So let’s ditch the Mumbler moniker and stick with Tattoo, in homage to Hervé Villechaize. We’ll see if the Sarnia Sleaze is right about Ali not wanting a guy with so much ink.

They’re going on a private jet. Which reminds me: We’re halfway through episode two already and nary a sign of a helicopter. What gives? Maybe they’re switching things up this season. She asks how he feels about small planes. And Tattoo, the general contractor, shows off his English skills with this ditty: “I don’t know. I’ve never rode one before.” Grammar nerds everywhere run screaming.

They jet off to Vegas. Ali hates flying, bless her heart. She says just because she flew once with Jake doesn’t mean she’s not afraid of flying anymore. But hang on there a second, missy. She was all over the freakin’ globe last season, and will be again this season. I’m pretty sure they didn’t send her by cargo ship.

A red convertible Ferrari awaits them and Ali, again, hops in the driver’s seat. She takes them to a pool so if Tattoo thought he could hide his ink work for one more episode, he’s got another think coming. And fast.

As Ali comes out of the change room, she tries to mask her shock at seeing Tattoo’s upper torso. She doesn’t mention a thing. It’s the elephant in the room.

***

The couple plays dress-up and they sit down to dinner at a table for two. The window curtains rise to reveal a stunning view, yet the chairs are facing away from the windows. Ali tells us she isn’t sure if Tattoo will get a rose tonight. She knows he’s a nice guy but she needs to know if there’s a connection or not. Say it, Ali! Just admit you can’t see yourself dating a guy with so many tattoos!

He does seem sweet, though, I have to admit. Sweet and simple.

Back at the house, I’m beginning to warm to the Sarnia Sleaze. He’s chosen Weather Man as his foil, but he does it with a wink in his eye. I think he means well. But Weather Man can’t take the ribbing.

Tattoo gets the rose and a sisterly hug. The evening is capped off with a private concert by Jimmy Kong? Who? I didn’t catch the name and I certainly don’t recognize him or his music. That’s great publicity for the guy, isn’t it?

***

Cocktail party. She makes a point of sitting down with the guys who didn’t get a date this week. She’s a sweetie. First up is Cape Cod Chris, who sealed his spot next week with his humour by re-introducing himself to her. Then Roberto tells her he travels the world and plays baseball. He was drafted by the Rockies and Twins. Is that right? Can two teams draft the same player or is he full of it? She likes him. He’s a shoe-in, too. I called him Creepy Roberto last week but I take that back. He seems like a good guy. Let’s call him Clemente instead. Baseball fans will get it.

The Dweeb is a writer, remember? He just said he wants it to be “her and I” again. Doh! Oh well, that’s what they have editors for, I guess.

Kasey the Desperate Dud, who was robbed when his name wasn’t read off the group date card even though it was on it, sits down briefly with Ali but is interrupted by the horny Dweeb, who already has a rose. There ought to be a rule about that. If you’ve got a rose, you don’t get one-on-one time at the cocktail party. Who’s with me on that one?

The Hyper Dweeb is getting weird. He tells her that since their one-on-one date, he feels like she’s his girlfriend. And he had to watch other guys go on dates with his girlfriend. Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! He kisses her and the guys all see it. They’re not thrilled.

***

The tension is escalating between Weather Man and the Sarnia Sleaze. Who does the Sarnia Sleaze look like? He’s a handsome guy. He looks like some famous actor. Is it Michael Douglas? I don’t think so. But somebody like him. Help me out, readers.

Weather Man is whining to Ali. He keeps telling her SS is dangerous, which I think is unfair. We’ve seen no evidence of danger. But when Ali gets some time with the Canadian bad boy, she does call him out on his feelings. She points out his distancing body language, the fact he looks away from her, and hasn’t asked one question about her even though he says he wants to get to know her. She’s very astute, that one. He stammers. He’s not doing well. Shoulda nicknamed him Toast, because that's what he is now. Back to Sarnia you go.

***

Sarnia calls in all the guys into the house to confront them about who told Ali he was dangerous. He wants to know who said it. He pegs Weather Man, who does a little dance, verbally speaking, but never cops to the charge. I love the fact he calls him Weather Man, admitting he doesn’t even know his first name. I’ve never been a bully, and I can sort of see where Sarnia might be one, but I still think he’s kinda funny. I don’t think he’s right for Ali, but I doubt he’s dangerous. He just likes ribbing guys.

***

Here’s the rose ceremony. Hyper Dweeb, Big Ears and Tattoo already have roses so they’re in the clear. Here are the other 11 Ali chooses:

4. Kasey the Desperate Dud. Clearly a pity rose.
5. The Uke Wiz. Seems she’s giving roses to all the invisible guys this week.
6. Clemente.
7. Cape Cod
8. The Wrassler
9. Bones
10. Origami (he didn’t do enough this episode for me to figure out another name for him)
11. Cubic Zirconian (again, he was invisible so this nickname will have to do for now)
12. Ugly Craig (that nickname ain't going anywhere! It's gold, baby, gold!)
13. Magic (seriously, she’s just picking guys who had no presence this week. This was the guy who made a rose appear when he first met her. Until he does something of substance, we’ll have to keep him as Magic in honour of my all-time favourite basketball player)

and the final rose goes to...

But wait. I’m paused here on a frame before she gives out the final rose and it’s a two-shot of the Sarnia Sleaze and Weather Man. This is the shot where they're supposed to be standing there fretting about who will get the final rose. And Weather Man is wearing a rose! What the hell? There’s some really sloppy editing this week.

Okay, roll tape. The final rose goes to...

14. Weather Man. Duh. Great job, editors.

That leaves who out in the cold? Zed, who says he did not see that coming. Well, he was the only one. The Sarnia Sleaze, who says she missed a huge opportunity in not giving him a rose. He does have big balls, you gotta admit. Maybe I like him because he calls everyone by a nickname, too: “I have a hard time respecting her decision on keeping the Weather Man and the Wrassler here.” Seriously! He said that! And then adds, pointing to his face, “I mean, over this? Come on.” Nice touch. And to cap it all off, he’s hoping there are a few attractive women on the flight back home because he’s going to need that extra attention. Living up to his name, he is.

Even with only three guys being sent home, the show can’t even bother to give the third one any air time. Let me go back over my notes to figure out who it was. Hang on...

What?! Was it my Homeboy? Really? That can’t be. The guy was a prince. She chose Ugly Craig and the Midget Weather Man (new nickname alert) over him? For shame. I demand a recount.

Well, that’s it. Two Canadians eliminated and the third in hot water. ABC is making us out to look bad. I think they’re probably working on behalf of the U.S. government to make the inevitable invasion palatable.

Either that or Ali just hates Canadians.


Talk to you next week. Leave your thoughts on the show in the comments section. And vote in the poll!