Bachelor Sean: A practical joke falls flat

If this is Wednesday, it must be... too late to blog about a show that aired on Monday! Sorry I'm late, folks. You must all be wondering if I've given up on the show judging by all the queries I received. Okay, "all the queries" consisted of my wife casually asking me last night if I'd written it yet. But I'm sure her lone comment represented thousands of others.

A real-life deadline prevented me from watching live on Monday night. I was too tired to watch yesterday during the day. Then late afternoon my favourite basketball team was playing and I couldn't miss that. But I finally found the time for The Bachelor last night. So here goes.

(left to right) Lesley, Kacie, Desiree

There are now 19 women left and I have my top three frontrunners. Bank on these ones to go all the way or I'm going to get awfully cranky: Kacie (naturally), Desiree (more innocent-looking than her porn-star name), and Lesley M, the political consultant (a mixture of brains and beauty). The rest range from meh to zzz.

The first date of the episode went to Sarah. I know it's hard to remember all the names this early into a season and match them with faces so I'll do my best to give reminders along the way. You remember Sarah. She's the one with... blonde hair. From LA, I think? An ad designer? Ringing any bells?

Not only was she the first date for Sean, but the first to ride in a helicopter. Not ever, of course. I wonder how many times they've used a helicopter. Let's figure it out. The show has been on the air since 2002. There are probably at least two or three seasons per calendar year. Wikipedia tells me there have been 16 previous seasons of The Bachelor, and 8 seasons of The Bachelorette. I'm going to estimate 25 contestants per season which leads to 600 total contestants. Of those, I think it's safe to say a good 550 of them have been on helicopter dates.

Sean told us he was impressed by Sarah's addressing of the hand issue (she's only got five fingers and one palm) but added, "In my mind, she didn't have to explain her arm: she's gorgeous." Leading one to assume that if she were less attractive, she'd better damn well explain herself.

Of course, I agree that she's attractive with or without a full left arm, but you gotta admit it would be pretty odd if she didn't mention it at all ever.

On the date, Sean took her to the top of a skyscraper, where they'd harness themselves into a contraption and fling themselves off the building and freefall 300 feet. Sarah then proceeded to take Gosh's name in vain repeatedly. "Oh my gosh!" she said about 150 times in her Valley Girl accent.

Later Sean contradicted himself saying it's not what our bodies look like, it's what's on the inside that counts. This was after he finished his shirtless workout.

Sarah blew Sean's expectations away and she got the rose. He didn't say what his expectations were to begin with, though.

The next date was a group effort. Fourteen women went on a rigged photoshoot, marking the 25th season a photoshoot has been used as a date backdrop. This one was particularly galling since it was a competition for a three-book deal with Harlequin to be on the cover. Among the 14 contestants was one professional model so you just knew who was going to win it. Yes, it could be argued that legitimately beat out the amateurs (they were impressed with her, too), but you just knew the Harlequin people made sure there was some actual talent in the competition before they agreed to commit three covers to someone.

Too bad the 50 Shades gal got sent home last week. She would have been positively orgasmic.

This is only the second episode, but the women already know who to hate. Tierra the Stalker (she's the one who told her mom she'd marry Sean back when Emily dumped him) is "fake", according to Robyn. "Trust me, I'm smart," winked Tierra. Later on she'd tell him, "I'm pursuing you for a reason." In real life, a normal person would turn and run the other way when hearing that, but this is reality TV.

Lesley, the politico, showed us her sexy side with a belly-revealing cowboy outfit and a sexy attitude. I think it was at this point she moved into frontrunner status for me. Not out in front completely, but alongside Kacie and Desiree. Lesley told Sean the real reason she was there was for love. But she said it so convincingly.

They flirted with each other for a while. Sean said every time he felt like going in for a kiss, Lesley would change the topic. And Lesley thought Sean was going to go in for a kiss but backed away. As a southern gal, she expects the man to make the first move so they were at a standstill. After saying their goodbyes, she decided she had to just take the initiative so she went back and planted a big one on him. "I'm just going to leave you with that," she said. And thanked him. Smart, confident and cute.

Kacie sat down with Sean to find out if he was open to moving out of the friend zone. He was. Didn't seem totally committed to the idea, but he wasn't against it, either. Hard to read. But Kacie was happy. She said she never thought she'd want another rose in her life and now she finds she wants ten more.

Catherine revealed her big, dark secret: she's a vegan. I'm surprised more wasn't made of this. I would think that would be a bigger deal-breaker than having kids, but maybe that's just me. She coyly told Sean, "I'm a vegan but I love the beef." Sean looked confused. Probably five seconds tick by before he gets it. Or pretends to get it. I'm still not sure he got it.

Katie the yoga teacher was feeling "excessively unconfident." I thought nothing of it. Every season at least five contestants feel that way. How it plays out is they'll approach the Bachelor or Bachelorette and be told that they're wanted. Then they'd relax and stick around. It's a cry for attention is all it is. Katie's seen enough of these shows, I'm sure, that she thought she'd play that card. It backfired in a big way. She put on the requisite pouty face and told Sean how she was feeling. He didn't even skip a beat: "Okay, let me walk you out." Ouch! Don't let the limo door hit you in the ass on your way out of town.

When it came time to hand out the rose, the lucky winner was Kacie. So I guess he really was serious about being comfortable moving out of the friend zone. One rose down, nine more to go for Kacie. She said she was downplaying it in front of everyone (wise move) but was "super stoked." It didn't matter for Tierra the Stalker: "I wanted to punch her. I mean, seriously?"

The next one-on-one date was with the sweet and cute Desiree. Sean got the idea he wanted to play a practical joke on her. Remember that hilarious one he played on Emily, where he pretended he still lived at home? Oh, how we laughed and laughed. He wants a girl with a sense of humour, he said. Personally, I don't think having a sense of humour and relishing being the butt of a joke is quite the same thing, but whatever.

He took her to a staged art opening. Actors were milling about pretending to be art patrons. Sean and Des were ushered into a room where the pièce de résistance (French for 'piece of junk' apparently) sat in its supposed $1.5 million glory. I don't have much of an eye for art but even I could tell this thing was a lot closer to $1.50 than it was to $1.5 million.

The joke was everyone was going to leave Desiree alone in the room, then the artwork would fall over. "She is going to freak!" Sean yelped with anticipatory glee. "Hopefully she can take a joke." The hidden cameras caught the action. The piece fell over as planned, and Desiree looked over and smiled like it was a joke. Sean and Chris Harrison sat watching on a monitor, pretending all was going as planned. They thought she was buying it "hook, line and sinker." Sean said he felt guilty. All I saw was  somebody laughing at an obvious joke. The artist (another actor) entered and pretended to be devastated. Through it all, Desiree smiled. You know, the way you'd smile if a million dollar item smashed and you were implicated in its ruination. I'd say it was an epic fail of a practical joke, but they acted as if it was a smash success.

He then took Des back to his place for dinner after "definitely putting her through the wringer." She said she didn't know anything about Sean that everyone doesn't already know, so he told her that he's from Dallas and is really close to his parents. Ah! A scoop!

She then talked about her own folks, "the cutest people I've ever known in my life." Then they got in the hot tub and talked about love and marriage. "I think we're on the same page!" she gushed. "We're a pretty good match," he enthused. The rose was just a formality. "You have every quality I'm looking for," he told her, and offered her the flower. But it was payback time after that dastardly practical joke earlier. And let's just say she was equally convincing. She paused and left him hanging. But of course she accepted.

"I see every quality that I would look for in a wife and a best friend," he said. Earlier he told us he wants to be married to his best friend. I could sense his buddies back home all tensing up.

At the cocktail party, he sat and talked to those that didn't get to go on a date. Lindsay, who sported a wedding dress last week, was more in control this week. So much so that Sean was "blown away by her." There's a lesson in there somewhere: Act batshit crazy one week then rein it in the next week and you'll look positively normal in comparison.

Robyn had concerns about her place in the show, being a conspicuous African-American. At least, unlike past seasons, she wasn't the only one. Still, she had to wonder if she was a mere token. She wanted to know how race plays into the process, noting how much more diverse this season is compared to past ones. Sean told her he didn't have a type, other than "sweet, intelligent and funny." In the past, he's dated Hispanics, a Persian, and his last girlfriend was black. Robyn was very relieved. Cue Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney. But I was wondering what her type is. Does she go primarily for blond white guys?

In continuing with the diversity, we learned Selma spoke Arabic. She taught Sean how to say, "You are very beautiful" in her language. I don't care what language it is, you should never have to trick a guy into telling you you're beautiful.

The diversity reminded me of a character in Don McKellar's great film, "Last Night". Callum Keith Rennie played a guy who had a list of all types and races of women he wanted to bed before the end of the world and was working his way through them. The trailer is age restricted but if you want to take a look, here it is.

The dark cloud throughout the cocktail party was Amanda, and the editors showed us every single clip of her sitting stone-faced. They slipped up in one scene, though, when they showed her smiling in a group shot, but we got the idea. She supposedly would light up when Sean approached, but that was it. Otherwise we were led to believe she was totally unresponsive to one and all except for Sean, for whom she'd spring to life.

I realize beauty is subjective, so I'm always hesitant to make comments on looks. But I did find it surprising to learn Amanda is a model. A "fit model" whatever that means. I would have thought maybe a hand model.

Since Katie already left on her own (with a helpful shove from Sean), only two women would be sent home after the rose ceremony. Sarah, Kacie and Desiree were already safe, leaving 13 more to get roses. And they went in order:

1. AshLee, the organized adoptee.
2. Lindsay, the goofball substitute teacher not wearing a wedding dress
3. Robyn, the quirky, back-flipping black girl
4. Jackie, the one who smeared lipstick on and marked Sean
5. Lesley M, the DC cowgirl
6. Selma, the Arabic speaker who wiped said lipstick off Sean's cheek
7. Catherine, the vegan who likes beef
8. Kristy, the bragging model
9. Leslie H, the poker dealer
10. Tierra, the stalker
11. Taryn, who doesn't fight over guys and who hasn't seen the show in years
12. Daniella, who loves to use 'literally' incorrectly
13. Amanda, the dark cloud.

When that last rose went to Amanda, it was so, so predictable. You can't tell me the producers don't have control over some of the picks. Well, you can but I won't believe you. There's no way she should have got one but they know drama when they see it so she was a lock.

Saying their goodbyes were Brooke, the red-headed black woman, and Diana, the mother of two. Sean whispered he didn't feel it was right to keep her away from her girls when he didn't see a future for them together. He could have just said he didn't see a future for them together. Same difference.

My requisite photo of Kacie

And that's that. As I said, my top three are Kacie, Desiree and Lesley. My darkhorse would be Taryn, who we didn't see much of this episode. I know lots of people out there like Catherine, but vegans and Texans don't go well together.

See you next week. I'll try to be on time.