Juan Pablo 7: Class dismissed

We left off last week with the hint that our beloved Sharleen might recuse herself from the proceedings this week. But you know how editors and their deceiving ways are. Would she or wouldn't she? I would just have to tune in to find out. So I fire up the television set and settle in for a night of tension. The local announcer leads into the show with, "A shocking exit leaves everyone blindsided!"

So thanks for that. At least now I could settle back into my chair from the edge of the seat I had been on.

The gang was in Miami, Juan Pablo's home town. Or at least where he lives. In case you'd forgotten, he's a devoted single dad so he really wanted to see his daughter. Renee, meanwhile, will just have to wait until she can see her own little guy.

Sharleen was telling us she's not ready to introduce JP to her family. You hear this kind of talk a lot on this show but I don't get it. What's the big deal? I mean, I can understand if you come from a deeply conservative family like Kacie B, but Shar is Canadian! There are no conservatives in Canada!

Speaking of darling Kacie, a commenter here gave me the bad news that she's engaged. This really has been a rough week for me. First Sharleen leaving, now Kacie making herself unavailable. Check out her betrothed. Looks like a fine young man...

What a lucky bastard

While Shar-Shar was equivocating, JP was still smitten, talking about how "different" she is, how elegant, how sexy, how amazing. "She could be the one," he told his cousin. He also gave her the first date card. Literally! (I'm going to have to add some of my own literallys because there was only one again this week.) He personally handed it to her and told her she had ten minutes to get ready.

While anyone else would have been over the moon, Shar-Shar was telling us that she's "missing the cerebral connection that I need so much." Translation: JP's a dumb jock.

Chelsie knows it, too. She said Sharleen likes "intellectual nerdy guys." Hello! Now we're talking. Hear me out: Sharleen as the new Bachelorette only instead of the usual assortment of male bimbos, we get a season of doughy guys wearing ascots and glasses and turtlenecks. Come on, ABC, make it happen!

They spend the day on a private yacht. I guess I don't need to qualify it as 'private'. That goes without saying. They lie down on towels up front and get right to it, proving Sharleen's point, unless the cerebral connection is achieved through tongues. He may not be her typical type, but the chemistry, she said, is there and she's surprised at how attracted she is to him.

Another hint that the cerebral connection would not be made on this date was when, in the middle of a lip-lock, he asked, "Is that a Canadian kiss or a German kiss?" She works in Germany, Juan Pablo; she isn't German. To her eternal credit, she answered, "Certainly not a German kiss."

Shar described JP as "ridiculously sexy." She also admitted that she doesn't allow herself to feel happy very often. Fun, right? Come on, who doesn't want to see an introspective brooder with 25 nerdy bachelors, am I right?!

They finally hop off the boat and tread water in the middle of the ocean, embracing and kissing. At least that's what we saw. At least it wasn't 4 in the morning because JP has standards. And a daughter. Hope she didn't catch a glimpse of his shenanigans from her window.

JP really wanted to meet Sharleen's parents. An odd thing to say, I thought, but whatever. He also hit the nail on the head when he said, "You're good at not trying to impress me and you impress me." Future wannabes, take note.

There was more kissing (Shar couldn't help herself). She said, "I wish I was just a little bit dumber." I forget why she said this but I like to think the implied end of the sentence was, "so I could relate to you."

I missed it where they said there'd be no roses handed out on the one-on-one dates, if they said it. But I figured it out when the next scene saw Shar seeking out the Den Mother Renee to talk through her inner turmoil. She tells Renee that she was hoping her feelings would have been more black and white. Renee, true to form, told her if she leaves, regret could haunt her forever. Of course, we know how that all turned out (but I doubt regret is haunting her world).

The second one-on-one went to Nikki, who is "absolutely falling in love with Juan Pablo" but isn't ready to tell him yet. Her date was to little Camila's dance recital. Not only did she get to meet the apple of Juan Pablo's eye, she also got to meet his parents and his ex. So that's pretty big, I guess. I don't know, is it?

Then they headed over to JP's "office" – the Florida Marlin baseball stadium. Nikki was wearing a halter top, if that's what it's called (fashion ain't my strong suit). I mention this because while playing catch, Juan Pablo made it a point to throw her some grounders. The horndog. Methinks his intentions were less than honourable. He just wanted her to bend over so he could see down her top.

That was the extent of their date. Back to the drama with Sharleen. She felt sick but knew what she must do. She first gathered the gals around to tell them about her inner conflict, telling them it's not fair that she take a spot from them. It's the "right thing" to do, she reasoned.

Then off to JP's room. It was pretty anti-climactic, if you ask me. She whispered that the idea of a proposal doesn't seem possible to her. Strangely, we got sub-titles for her whispered words but none for Juan Pablo's. I think that must have been because nobody could make out what he was saying other than "I understand."

She cried, but that was no surprise given how she bawled when anybody else had to leave the show. Padre Juan Pablo was in full force, wiping away her tears telling her she didn't have to be sorry. "You cannot be sorry for something you feel," he soothed. He even got in a little joke, saying, "The only thing that pisses me off is that you didn't sing enough for me." Then he walked her to the door and they said their goodbyes. Easy. He didn't seem all that bothered by it. I'm sure after watching this, whatever regrets she might have been feeling dissipated.

And with that, she's gone, bringing down the average IQ in the house significantly. So long, Sharleen, I'll miss you. Class dismissed.

Sharleen, thinking (Florian Merdes photo)

The group date was next, with a rose on the line, which represented an automatic hometown visit. (By the way, does anyone remember if it's always been four hometown visits? I had it in my head that there were only three.)

I can't even remember what they did on their group date. I know Chelsie brought out some letters from home to read to Juan Pablo. Yes, it was as romantic as it sounds.

Andi plopped herself down on the beach saying she was ready for a breakdown. She was feeling "super vulnerable." Padre JP to the rescue! He calmed her down good. Real good.

Clare talked about the unseen video her deceased father made to be watched by the man of her dreams before she gets married.

And we didn't see anything of my other fave, Renee.

JP gave the rose to Andi because he really wanted to meet her family. Clare was gobsmacked. Which leads us to our one entry this week:

LITERALLY count: "I deserve something amazing and wonderful. Like, I've been opening up myself and putting myself out there and at this point literally all I've been doing is watching every single person go on their dates." – Clare. Verdict: Wrong again but nice try.

Clare also had a good observation: "The people who are standing out are those that are doubting themselves." To which she appended: "What the fuck am I doing here?"

With the rose, the other three were sent back to the hotel while Andi and JP hit South Beach. The first stop was a latin club where a dude named Romeo Santos was apparently lip synching to a woman singing. I guess that's what they do in latin clubs.

Juan Pablo led Andi up to centre stage and started slow dancing with her. And by slow dancing, I mean he held her and she waddled back and forth. Not the best dancer, Andi. That may be enough to ruin her chances with the Latin lover.

Back at the hotel, the show reverted to form, pitting two lovelies against each other. Only this time, there was no clear-cut unlikable one. Clare vs Nikki is a draw, I'd say. When Clare, Renee and Chelsie were telling Nikki about their date, Nikki noted that two of them were laughing about it but Clare was "checked out." Clare responded that she wasn't going to sit there and be fake, which Nikki took offense to and left. I guess she felt that Clare was talking about her friend, Andi, but that's not the sense I got. Either way, it was an over-reaction.

Clare went up to talk about it with her and they took turns impersonating Ross Perot, saying, "Can you please not cut me off?" I don't think there's a villain in this confrontation. But I think Nikki was more in the wrong than Clare.

"You're a piece of work, Nikki," said Clare.

"And you're bat-shit crazy," said Nikki.

At the cocktail party, it was revealed that Renee and Chelsie side with Clare. And there's no way that saint of a woman, Renee (albeit a saint with a tramp stamp), would ever be on the side of wrong. Nikki had Andi on her side. A lawyer. Nuff said.

The case against Nikki:

Chelsie: "Nikki doesn't tend to willingly participate in any conversation except whispering to Andi. It just seems very high school to me."

Nikki: "I have a rose. Wait, I don't... Pretty much."

Nikki constantly refers to JP as her "boyfriend." 

Nikki: Juan Pablo "has a giant crazy family to meet [meaning Clare's]. I mean, she didn't get crazy all on her own; it had to come from somewhere."

The worst Clare said about Nikki was that she's a "brat."

When Chelsie excused herself to go pee, the two sworn enemies were left sitting outside by themselves. ABC set a record, I'm sure, for longest dead air. There were crickets. Literally! I should have put a clock on it, but it was grand. Finally the others returned and then it was rose ceremony time.

Andi, as mentioned, got one already. Three more would be handed out, with one person going home. In my mind, it could only be Chelsie. The roses went in order to:

1. Nikki
2. Clare
3. Renee

I was sweating a bit on the last one. It had to be Renee but what if he let her go? That would have been too devastating a week for me.

Juan Pablo was in tears. Why, though? It's not like he had any kind of connection with Chelsie. I can't imagine what Sharleen was going through watching Chelsie not get the rose.

Chelsie, for her part, was cheery. Sure there were some tears in the limo, but she smiled through them. She thought it was sweet to see JP so sad about her leaving. It made her feel better. So well played, JP, well played.

Next week we've got two friggin' episodes. I'm against that. That's totally unnecessary and uncalled for. I'm putting in for overtime. But I guess the "hometowns take a dramatic turn" so it calls for double the drama. And then in the fantasy suite episode, whenever that is, Andi couldn't wait to get out of there in the morning. Chris Harrison warns that this episode "will shock America." We're not so shockable in Canada.