Bachelorette Canada: Villain-free

It seems my routine is set. I don't know what I do Tuesday nights but I know I end up watching Bachelorette Canada the following Monday. And I enjoy it! Don't know why I can't bring myself to watch it in real time. I've got a few episodes left to try to rectify this. In the meantime, here's a recap on last Tuesday's episode.

The reduced gang is still in Morocco. That's pretty cool, I gotta say. And it's all quiet on the eastern front as Cocky Drew is on a plane back to his bros and in Toronto. The remaining five all get along swimmingly. People say we need a villain in these types of shows but I disagree strongly and offer up this episode as evidence. Some might say it's boring with everyone getting along. I say it's civil. There's enough inherent drama in people trying to find a connection without the added distraction of a villain.

Last episode, Captain Canada showed his jealous side and he and Jasmine had a little tiff. It weighed heavily on the gloomy gus and he hasn't been sleeping well. But he visibly brightens up for the first time ever when he's selected for the first one-on-one date. It's like night and day. This guy wears his emotions on his already tattooed sleeve.

The added twist this week is that there will be no roses handed out on any of the dates. Jasmine really wants to get to know the guys and give them a fair chance without worrying about who to rose because next week are the hometown visits.

Jasmine and Captain Canada get out of the big city and experience true Berber culture. Are you familiar with the Berbers? Are you a Be-lerber? No, it's not a community of former baby actors. That's Gerber. Here's what my computing machine says:

Any of the descendants of the pre-Arab inhabitants of North Africa. The Berbers live in scattered communities across Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, Libya, Egypt, Mali, Niger, and Mauretania.

They meet a Berber couple at their pad. The couple doesn't speak English. The nerve of them! Captain Canada is rocking a traditional Berber outfit and looks great. Inside the house (!), they milk a cow. The goats stay out of the way on the other side of the room. Jasmine had a cow growing up (!) and milked it a couple times, but she was rusty. Captain Canada also had some experience milking a cow but was a little rough on the teats, making the cow jump. Take note, Jasmine.

Then they bake bread in the adobe house. (I have no idea if it's adobe. They should have told us. Now I'm at risk of my ignorance becoming public. But my computing machine says this about adobe:

An adobe brick is a composite material made of earth mixed with water and an organic material such as straw or dung. The soil composition typically contains sand, silt and clay.

So I stand by my description.

Next they bake some bread. Again, they should have told us exactly what type of bread it was. Looked like a thick roti or naan. They kneaded the dough then put it over a fire. Presto! Bread!

Out on a roof sipping wine, Jasmine notes that Captain Canada is so different when he's outside the group. The lesson here, Jasmine, is that he needs to get his own way or he'll pout. He tells her something about her just makes her smile (when there are no other guys around, presumably) and that if he saw her out in the real world in a grocery store and didn't say hi to her, he'd regret it. Lesson here, Jasmine, is that he's a player.

Jasmine asks him if he's ready for this. She recalls him saying he's been on about 100 first dates. He tells her he's not a player, right after I wrote that he was! That must mean something. After telling him he always says the "right thing," she says she wants a person who supports and encourages her and she wants to do the same thing for that person. Proving he always says the right thing, he answers immediately, "Whatever you said!" Okay, he didn't say exactly that but he may as well have. He said, "That's exactly what I want."

Around him, she feels comfortable and wanted and desired and safe and closer to him now because they got through their first fight. First of many, probably. She told him he was strong both physically and emotionally. Does she not recall the hissy fit when he didn't get the rose?

We got another example of how well the guys get along when the next date was a one-on-one, too, and it went to the other Kevin, aka Rob Schneider. Everyone was happy for him. That should be the template for all future Canadian editions. We get along. No villains!

Schneider and Jasmine greet each other with a hug. Remember, they've only kissed once before. They go rock climbing. He's wearing the shortest long shorts I've ever seen. He likes doing stuff like this and seeing Jasmine do it with gusto makes him like her even more. She's knocking down his walls. And sure enough, when they get to the top, they kiss like there's no tomorrow. And there isn't for Schneider.

Afterwards they sit on a rock drinking wine. He has to tell her about his family and how it affects his closed nature. He says the hometown date freaks him out a bit. Turns out he's "bounced around" since he was five years old. And his mom went through "a lot of... serious... battles." It sounded like that sentence was cobbled together in editing. When she said her dad also had addiction issues, we can surmise that was the battle his mom faced, but who knows? He hasn't fully healed. Also hasn't seen her in about 15 years, although they talk occasionally. So he's learned to put up walls.

Jasmine relates. And then Schneider goes back and forth between sounding like he wants to continue, and practically demanding that she let him go. He tells her, "There's some great guys here and I don't doubt for a second that those guys couldn't be really good to you. So could I." She cries. Seems she's really digging him.

Then she pulls the rug out from us all. She says if she continued with him, she'd probably end up in a relationship that isn't sustainable. She needs someone who isn't so similar to her.

He tells her he's not looking for a comfortable life; he's looking for a passionate life. He asks if this "is a fork in the road or the end of the road?" She hems and haws. Back from commercials, she says it feels like the end of the road. And he looks as relieved as Captain Canada was at getting the one-on-one date card. There's not a second of sadness. He immediately says, 'This has been amazing." This worked out as well as it could have for him. He got to travel the world and not be stuck in a long-term and/or phony relationship. Win-win.

The group date is with the remaining three: Nipple Ring, 8-Pack, and Ben Wha-? They arrive in the Marrakesh market but Jasmine is nowhere to be seen. The Hunchback Noah arrives to tell them the fun part of the date is off. But they'll still get to hang with Jasmine for some deep conversations by a swimming pool.

She's waiting for them in a hot red bikini, the best kind of attire for serious conversation, I find. Ben Wha-? takes her away first. He hasn't taken a woman to his parents' house in seven years. He's got a bunch of questions for her so keeps his tongue inside his own mouth. She felt a serious vibe from him for the first time. But he doesn't get far because 8-Pack interrupted.

She's still not sure about living in Winnipeg, though. That's her built-in excuse for 8-Pack. But she also pulls off a Backwards Schneider defence, wherein she tells the button-down 8-Pack that she likes to fly by the seat of her pants and he's more of a homebody type. Remember with Schneider, she wanted a homebody and not someone who flies by the seat of his pants.

When Nipple Ring sits with her, she takes off the shawl that was covering up the hot red bikini. That might mean something.

She gives some more time to Ben Wha-?, who's wondering what type of guy she wants. She tells him she's not interested in a type. It's more about connection and compatibility and the future she sees. And it doesn't hurt if they have abs aplenty.

When they all convene back at the pool, Nipple Ring hugs her and gets a boner.

No cocktail party. Ben Wha-? wears suspenders so his fate is sealed. He's got no chance to redeem himself. Then again, Nipple Ring and Captain Canada are both wearing capri pants, so all bets are off.

Noah is bad-ass with his instructions to the guys before the ceremony, telling them that whoever doesn't get a rose, "say your goodbyes and leave immediately." Harsh.

There are three roses for the remaining four. They go in order to:

1. Nipple Ring
2. Captain Canada
3. 8-Pack

So we bid au revoir to Ben Wha-? He tells her she's in good hands. "Those three guys are beauties," he says. He hugs her and tells her she's such a "nice person." It was so simple yet oddly maybe the most touching thing anyone has ever said in a breakup on this show.

The After Show featured Schneider, who didn't look much like Rob Schneider at all. We saw highlights of him playing his uke in all sorts of locations. It would have been nice to see some of this on the actual show.

Schneider's pick is Nipple Ring "all the way." I concur.

Next week is hometowns. The highlights make it look tense with Nipple Ring's dad and Captain Canada's mom. But we've been fooled by highlights before.

Next week? No, tonight! Maybe I'll watch.

Bachelorette Canada: Good for business

Hi all. Did you enjoy last week's episode? Bachelorette Canada is growing on me, I gotta admit. I don't have a sense that it'll produce a lasting relationship, but whatevs.

The cast and crew were in Morocco. Very exotic. I don't believe we've ever seen that kind of location in the American version. I'd like to, though.

Jasmine started the episode off walking around Marrakesh in sexy, short white shorts. Even though they were in Morocco, there was no camel toe. I thought maybe her shorts would be problematic in a largely Muslim country, but later on she and Ben Wha–? were treated to a local belly dancer who put that concern to bed. I guess it's a fairly liberal country.

There are seven dudes left so we're getting down to the wire. Not sure when the big ending is but it's gotta be any week now.

Noah (the host) entered and it didn't help that he was sporting new facial hair. We already don't recognize him. Why the need to go even more incognito than he already is?

The first date is a one-on-one with Ben Wha–? Exactly: Wha–? She seems to really like him. But not in any serious sexual relationship way. Just amused by his goofy antics. Like a BFF. She just loves hanging out with him. He makes her laugh, for some unexplainable reason. "He's just such a little French firecracker," she said. But he may not be aware of his status. As he said, "Tings are getting real right now."

She wants to go deeper with Ben Wha–? Enough with the jokes and probing tongue. So he offered some platitudes on wanting a family and that seemed to do the trick. She likes how "honest and real" he is. She gave him the rose and said she could see a future with him. Presumably that involves lots of shopping and going for coffee.

The next date was the dreaded two-on-one with one person at least guaranteed to go home. She chose two relatively nice, sweet fellas: 8-Pack Mike and Sexual Tongue Thomas. The homebody versus the nomad. The body versus the face, said Captain Canada.

They ride camels into the desolate desert. None of them wore a hat. That doesn't seem sensible.

In all that expanse, when she took Thomas aside, they couldn't find a private place. They sat in full view of Mike as they discussed their relationship. Mike admitted his life is "very unstructured." She told him it was a "difficult place to start a relationship."

Then she sat with Mike, in full view of Thomas. Mike told her about his greatest regret. When he was eight, his mother was sick in the hospital. He was invited to a birthday party and decided not to visit his mom that day. And she passed away that night. He vowed never to be that selfish again.

Rose time. She walked back to Thomas and told him she thought he was an amazing person. That's never a good sign. She admires so much about him, she sniffled. She wants his lifestyle eventually but, again, it would be hard to begin a relationship that way, she said. But haven't they already begun their relationship?

He took the hint, hugged her and said he wished her happiness and loved every minute of his experience. He dodged a bullet. He was in serious jeopardy of settling down.

She went over to Mike and told him she could see a future with him. She said he's more regimented than her but that's not a bad thing. Sometimes couples need a balance, she said. So she gave him the rose. She admitted she still has concerns about him but she's looking at long-term potential rather than just feelings of the moment. That's a Bachelor/ette first!

Cocky Drew knew Mike would be chosen because he feels Mike is more similar to himself. And this was just the beginning of his public unravelling. I have to quote the whole passage of what he said because it's just so ridiculously juicy:

"I'm still a businessman, you know what I mean? It's still respectful to be a prick? The more interesting of a man that I am, the better my career. If I do this show, I don't even have to sell anything. Like, after this, I literally just walk into a room at a conference cocktail party – like I do anyways; I'm a good-looking guy, I do it anyways. I walk in and like, 'Who's that guy?' You know, I just walk around and work the room. With this, I just walk in a room and people will be like, 'There's that guy!' and they'll talk about it, right? Like, they know my name and who I am as opposed to 'Let's find out who that guy is over there.' So it's good for me. It's good for my business."

And that, my friends, is the textbook definition of "not there for the right reasons." He wasn't finished, though. He also said:

"I'd love to do some mid- to low-level acting. Seriously. I seriously would. I think it would be awesome."

I love how he doesn't set his sights too high! Just mid- to low-level.

And this:

"You need to be a bit of a confident prick. As long as I don't look like a complete ass on TV."

Ooh, too late, buddy!

The group date is Cocky Drew, Captain Canada (Kevin W), Nipple Ring (Mikhel), and Rob Schneider (Kevin P). They went on a stroll through the market when it started to pour. Good thing they all wore their flood pants.

They visit a Moroccan tea house where they learn to make mint tea. The key: tons of sugar and try to pour it from a stepladder.

Captain Canada takes every opportunity to say how much he detests group dates. Poor bunny. He feels like Jasmine is his girlfriend.

She has a real (or seemingly so) connection with Nipple Ring, who continues to be nervous around her but is very sweet and genuine (or seemingly so). He told her she's one of the most genuinely beautiful people and that melted her.

She talked with Schneider about his guardedness, but she doesn't take it as a negative. She's wise. She knows he just takes his time getting to know people before getting physical.

Her conversation with Cocky Drew didn't go as well. He was on auto-pilot, just talking about himself. She called him on it and asked what he wanted to know about her. That stumped him.

Captain Canada was brooding and intense. He said he was homesick and missing real life. She was the only reason he was still there.

The rose goes to Nipple Ring, much to the consternation of the jealous Captain Canada. He considered it a "slap in the face." Cocky Drew thought it was a "participation rose" for being "most improved."

At the cocktail party, Jasmine has a healthy portion of white wine. She needed it with Drew going on and on about his life story. She felt like he was just acting. Low-level, though.

Jasmine and Rob Schneider finally kissed and it was a good one. He might be the sleeper in this contest. Cocky Drew and Captain Canada both witness the kiss so Captain Canada goes to move in. She called him "grouchy." He told her he wanted the rose. It got quite testy. She said, "How about you let me talk for one second? You can't just expect that I'm going to give you the rose and then have a hissy fit about it if I don't. If I connect with someone – and I feel like I have – then that's up to me." He responded that he's "so fucking embarrassed" and "jealous."

She makes a great point that I've never heard on any incarnation of this show: "You're not there during my conversations with other people and you may think you've opened up to me a bunch but other people have opened up a lot to me, too." And then just to twist the dagger, she added, "And some a lot more than you."

He got up and left, saying, "I'm done." I feel there must have been some more drama that was left on the editing room floor. The next thing we see is him saying he wants a rose at the rose ceremony.

Noah arrives shaved this time. It's rose time. Ben Wha–?, 8-Pack, and Nipple Ring are safe. Two more roses are handed out to:

1. Rob Schneider
2. Captain Canada

So Cocky Drew goes home. That's good for one more raised eyebrow and snicker. He tells a producer, "Is this a fucking joke? You're telling me this girl picked half of these guys over me? You walk me into the classiest joint in Toronto with any of these guys, who do you think gets the girl? It's bullshit. Mark my words, your ratings after this episode... done!" And on his way out muttered, "This girl's a fucking idiot."

To top it all off, the director asked him if he wanted to be the next Bachelor. His answer: "Yes." Too funny.

Next week is more Morocco.

The After Show featured Thomas along with Trista and Ryan. Ryan started out surly, making fun of Canadian accents and admitting he doesn't watch the show, but slowly warmed up. Maybe Trista or a producer reminded him that they paid his family's way to the city for a little vacay.

And Thomas was a delight. Will we get Cocky Drew this week? Hope so.

Bachelorette Canada: It's finger-sucking bad

Hey, you. It's me. How've you been? Great. Glad to hear it.

Last week while watching the show, our cable server went on the fritz. Most of the channels were all glitchy. Twitter told me we weren't the only ones. But what a world we live in! Through the wonders of modern technology, I finished watching a few days later online. What a time to be alive!

The gang was in Quebec City, or as the locals call it, Quebec. Jasmine had never been there before. She called it beautiful and romantic but stopped short at saying it was the perfect place to fall in love. Duly noted.

This episode was also brought to us from the good folks at Rotten Ronnie's. More blatant product placement with their (admittedly good) coffee. (Ah, who am I kidding? I also love their Egg McMuffins, cheeseburgers, fries, Big Macs, apple pies, smoothies...)

The one-on-one date went to 8-Pack Mike. How shallow is this woman? As soon as she sees his bare tummy, she gets all hot and bothered and takes him on a one-on-one. They take off in a helicopter. She says, "I'm really attracted to him." She means, of course, "to his abs."

Mike has been single for a couple of years, we learn. She tells his abs, "I just feel this building attraction with you." They kiss. Their chemistry is "off the charts." All this is happening on the helicopter and poor Mike has never been in one before. He's missing the tour!

It's rainy in Quebec City. See, it's not just Vancouver. Hey producers, why not shoot in the summer? You're making us look bad.

At dinner, they talk about where they might live. Mike is in Winnipeg, but as comedian Nikki Payne said on the After Show, he's a fireman – houses catch on fire everywhere. Great point. He doesn't need to stick around Winnipeg if he doesn't want to. Jasmine thinks Winnipeg is too cold, but on the other hand likes the idea of living closer to her hometown. So she gives him the rose and then they dance awkwardly alone in front of a chanteuse and guitarist.

The group date was with Nipple Ring, the Inventor, Rob Schneider, and Sexual Tongue (Mikhel, Chris, Kevin P, Thomas, for anyone just stumbling upon this blog for the first time). They're going to do lumberjack stuff wearing red plaid jackets. The Inventor says he doesn't have abs but he does have some hidden strength. Too bad. She only likes guys with abs.

The winner of the 'jack-off gets a mini date with her. She says she's looking for a strong man but not in a physical way, so what better competition than one that highlights brute strength? They will compete by carrying a log, chopping wood, and hammering nails.

Old Sexual Tongue, the International Model, was born and raised on a construction site, so he wins  with an overall time of 4 minutes 18 seconds. Nipple Ring is a close second, at 4:35. Schneider is 4:49 and the Inventor is 5:14. He needs to invent a time machine to go back and redo the challenge.

Oh, is anyone watching this new show I keep seeing commercials for? Ben & Laura? What the hell? I love their catch phrase: We survived The Bachelor; now it's time for real life. But make sure it's all filmed, just like in real life. Ben was one of my favourite Bachelors ever. I thought he had a good head on his shoulders. Turns out he's just a fame whore like all the rest of them.

Jasmine and Thomas ride off in a horse carriage under plaid blankets. She's attracted to his intensity, but she wants to connect with him in a lighter way. Always wanting what she's not getting. They head to a rustic cabin. He brags that he could build it with his eyes closed. He's not just a pretty face.

Jasmine gets to know both Thomas, the international model, and Tom, the wild party guy who dances till the music shuts off. Although there was no dancing and no music, including his bad singing into a wine bottle. He sounds like every boy band you ever heard. I mean, points for trying, and all, but maybe he should have waited until they were on a karaoke date.

She gives Sexual Tongue a rose and they cheers to getting weird and kiss.

The next group date is with Ben Wha?, Captain Canada, and Cocky Drew. Drew says he's not going to fight for Jasmine. He's obviously taking those texts with Chad to heart.

The date is to Siberia Spa, because when you think of relaxing spas to pamper yourself, you think of Siberia.

Jasmine's going to get a mani, a pedi, and a massage. And the fellas are going to give them to her. Only she'll be blindfolded and they are to remain silent.

Cocky Drew draws the massage. He undoes her bikini top and she says to be careful of the side boob. Then he straddles her. Silently.

Anyone can give a massage. But how the hell do you do a mani or pedi without training? Turns out you don't. You just give a hand or foot massage. Ben Wha? gives the hand massage and includes some finger sucking. Gross. She immediately knows it's him. He's still unwatchable.

Captain Canada does the foot massage. Lots of toe porn for the foot fetishists out there. She loves it. She can tell that the person doing it wants her. She feels giddy. I think she can see our the bottom of her blindfold. She nails all three.

Once it's over, Ben Wha? tells her about his family's chalet. She sees his serious side so he wastes no more time and goes in for the slobbery kiss. She laughs and pushes him away. Somewhere, Seth is wondering what he did wrong.

Drew tells her "exactly what she wants to hear." He tells her about a house he recently bought by the beach. Then before he goes in for his first kiss, he says, "I haven't tested these lips out." She just laughs at that because that's just the way he is, always a salesman. Yet somehow she feels attracted to him.

Capt. Canada doesn't ask for one-on-one time. He's a bit jealous so he just sits sulking in the hot tub. So he can't get the rose. And the always mugging Ben Wha? can't possibly get one. So Cocky Drew wins the rose by process of elimination. He gets even cockier.

At the cocktail party, Nipple Ring whispers to Jasmine that he get really shy in front of the cameras. She tells him she knows and that it's annoying so stop it. But he manages to get out that he's coming at her full speed. They kiss.

The Inventor says he's going to lay it all on the line and go in for the kiss. He says he's nervous but confident. He tells the cameras that she's got beautiful lips (do you think they're aided by collagen?) and he can't wait to grab her and start making out.

Guess what? Doesn't happen. After giving her a "gift" of the lyrics he wrote to the song they recorded in Jamaica, he leans in. And she leans out. Shut down! He's experienced this many times before with women. Seriously? Many times? I kinda like Chris, but maybe he's not the best at reading situations if this is happening to him many times.

Jasmine tells him she hasn't had the time to build that kind of connection with him. So that gives him hope that she'll want to have more time to build a connection. Oh poor dear Inventor. Denial ain't just a river in Africa, as they say.

Noah, the host, enters. I don't think I'll ever get used to him as the show's face. It's rose ceremony time. 8-Pack, Sexual Tongue, and Cocky Drew all have roses. There are four more to hand out, with one person going home. They go in order to:

1. Nipple Ring
2. Captain Canada
3. Ben Wha?
4. Rob Schneider

So she chooses old slobbery kiss Ben Wha? over Baby Einstein. Her loss. The Inventor is going home. Noah doesn't quite understand the host's function. He just memorized some stock line and tried to apply it in this situation. With only one guy going home, Noah said, "Gentlemen, if you did not receive a rose, say your goodbyes." Chris Harrison would have known to personalize it to the one person who needs to say goodbye. Noah was on autopilot.

Chris says, "the evasive thing called love continues to evade me... Why is it the nice guys always lose?... At what point does that change?" And he broke down in the limo.

Next week they're going camel riding in Morocco. Cool!

The After Show featured the detestable Ashley I along with the Inventor. He was great. Ashley I (which stands for Eyebrow, apparently) was wearing a v-neck shirt that vee'd down to her naval. She managed to get through the show without crying.

There were two segments with host Jenn gabbing with a Superfan in a spa. Let's not make this a regular thing, huh, producers?

The comedian was Nikki Payne, who was a live wire. But somebody in the control room was asleep. They allowed a tweet that said she sounded like a pirate and needed more wine to display along the bottom.

Bachelorette Canada: Butts and Abs

Late to the party again. What does that tell you? I'm not sure, either. I'm enjoying the season well enough, I guess. Just in no hurry to watch. But I'm all caught up. Here's what I saw:

The gang is in Montréal this week. It's a perfect place to fall in love, Jasmine tells us, just like she did in Jamaica, and I'm sure she will in Québec City next time. I predict a lot of annoying Benoit in this episode. It's his hometown, after all.

The date card arrives and Captain Canada is about to read it when Cocky Drew grabs it. He proceeds to tell everyone the one-on-one date will go to Chris. Chris is overjoyed and the other guys react jealously. Then Cocky Drew says he was just kidding. What a kidder! The one-on-one date actually goes to Nipple Ring Mikhel.

I guess it doesn't happen until the next day, though, because they needed to get a plug in. Jasmine enters carrying a cardboard carrying tray of two coffees from McDonald's (which, you may be surprised to learn, actually makes good coffee – and a lot cheaper than Starbucks). She brings the coffee into a sleeping Mikhel's bedroom.

The rest of the guys are treated to tasty croissants, also from McD's. A little over the top with the product placement, I'd say. Also, I'm craving a Big Mac.

Her date with Nipple Ring involves going into the city and defacing property. They're going to create street art, aka graffiti. Her idea is to paint a big rose on the side of a building. She's pretty good at it, too. No stencil or anything. Nipple Ring, on the other hand, ain't so talented. But together they produce a decent flower and cut out before the coppers can nab them.

At night, Jas and Mik hit a chateau. I mean, they visit it, not tag it with paint. Inside a quartet is playing and singing and the couple feels ye olde Bachelor/ette pressure to slow dance and kiss in front of the group. How awkward it must be to be standing there all alone pretending to like the band and making out in front of them. There's no crowd to hide in.

They also brought their swimwear because it turns out there's a hot tub in the castle. Then we get the two of them sitting on the ledge talking, each in their bathing suit. I wonder if the producers told them to.

Mikhel tells her he was born in India but moved to Canada at four months old. He says his parents are chill and his sister is a doctor so he'll always come up short in comparison. Jasmine tells him she loves his humility. That can't bode well for Cocky Drew. Anyway, she gives Mikhel a rose.

The first of two group dates takes a visit to the Cirque du Soleil creative studios, as you knew they would. Bien sûr. Four guys will perform for her, and the one who stands out the most will get a private date. And we know it's going to be Benoit, right?

Andrew (who I still haven't got a handle on) will perform on the trampoline/fake bed; Kevin "Rob Schneider" P. will do the Chinese pole; David the musician will work the straps; and Benoit will be on the bungee trapeze.

David has the hardest challenge. He feels like he's always getting the short end of the stick. Is that even an expression? Sounds like it, but as I write it I wonder how can there be a short end of a stick? Maybe he means he always draws the short stick. Yeah, that makes more sense.

Kevin P. goes first on the Chinese pole. Turns out a Chinese pole is pretty much just a pole. As Andrew says, it looks like he's been on the pole before. He knows his way around the thing. And no, he didn't shower after it.

Andrew jumps around on the giant fake bed and then off into a big foam pit.

David gets pulled skyward by the straps.

Benoit does flips 40 feet in the air then grabs onto a trapeze and manages to blow French kisses down to Jasmine.

She chooses Ben. Wha-? Rigged.

They go watch a Cirque show then somewhere else to talk and gross kiss. He's goofy and annoying throughout but she thinks it's the "Frenchness in him that makes him so expressive." She likes his quirks. To me, he looks like everything I hate about French comedians (Gad Elmaleh excluded). But now I see why they're so popular in Quebec and France. They love that goofiness, the clownish aspects of comedy.

He goes for a kiss. Looks like it could have been assault, but she calls it "intense passion," but admits he "could tone it down a bit." He is maybe the most aggressive kisser I've seen. She says she feels desired by him and that they have a good connection. Also, the more she gets to know him, the more she likes him. Basically the opposite of every viewer. She gives him a rose and he proceeds to attack her face again.

The next group date sees a 3-on-3 football match, captained by two members of the Montreal Alouettes. Jasmine says she's not that into watching sports but doesn't mind football because you can see their butts.

We got Team Hotties, with the Inventor, Captain Canada, and 8-Pack Mike (we'll get to that) against Team Naughties, with Cocky Drew, Giant Kyle, and Sexual Tongue. Naughties are the Vegas favourites due to the fact the Inventor (Chris) has never played sports before.

The first to three touchdowns wins. Team Naughties races out to a 2-0 lead behind scores from the Giant and Cocky Drew. But the Hotties come back behind the first career TD of the Inventor and 8-Pack. Nail-biting time.

The Naughties fumble a pass before Captain Canada (on a badly sprained ankle) manages to hold on in the end zone for sweet victory. Only it doesn't matter at all because Jasmine goes back on her word and invites them all along to the after party. Bogus.

They all go out with Jasmine, except Captain Canada who's getting his foot looked at. She takes Mike aside and tells him she's heard tell that beneath his blouse he's carrying an 8-pack around. Humble Mike hems and haws. He's not one to blow his own horn. She then demands him to take off his shirt and she's blown away. At once they go from friends to something more. Yes, she's that shallow. She's treating men like a piece of meat! She just wants to see abs and football players' bums!

Captain Canada, by the way, finally arrived in a walking cast. Hero.

Meanwhile, Cocky Drew seems to be mellowing. He tells the Inventor he should get the rose for stepping up in the big game. And there was no payoff guffaw. He seemed sincere. That made the Inventor suspicious. He vows to reveal the real Drew to unsuspecting Jasmine. Because that always works out.

The Inventor takes her aside and pops open some champagne. He butters her up by telling her she keeps getting more and more beautiful. She tells him she's blown away by him and adds, "and I'm not just saying that." The Inventor takes it in stride: "I believe you."

Then he gets down to brass tacks. He says to beware of Drew and tells her about the humiliating date card experience Cocky Drew put him through.

Jasmine tells Cocky Drew she's heard he might have been "bully-ish" with some people. He immediately fesses up about the date card prank, calling it a spur-of-the-moment practical joke. And he immediately apologized. He says it's what guys do. Donald Trump gets it.

Jasmine decides against giving anyone a rose on the date. And she leaves.

Noah (the host, remember?) arrives the next day to say forget about a cocktail party. Jasmine needs more time to reflect on what she needs to do. The guys are sitting around on sofas dumbstruck. Took me a while to recognize Cocky Drew. He was going incognito, wearing a black toque and big Elvis Costello glasses. Or maybe they were Ben-Wha–?'s specs.

At the rose ceremony, Nipple Ring and Ben Wha–? already have roses. Six more will be handed out. Three guys are going home. They go in order to:

1. 8-Pack
2. Captain Canada
3. Sexual Tongue's Man Bun
4. Rob Schneider

At this point she asks to speak to Cocky Drew. She wants to know if he's there for her, if he's serious about this for real. He says, "I like you and I can see something with you in the future but if you can't, you can't give me the rose." What a romantic.

She walks back out and hands out the final two roses:

      5. The Inventor
      6. Cocky Drew

Because the producers love drama. Remember, it was 100 percent their pick.

Going home are Musician David, Giant Kirk, and Andrew. David crouches down and hangs his head. Andrew tells him to get up, "Don't let her see you like that." Yeah, wouldn't want her to know you actually had feelings for her.

But all three took the high road and handled it well. Kirk said, "I have two cats at home that really need me so there's always a silver lining."

Next week they're off to Québec City, a bus ride away.

The After Show was pretty good, too. It featured Bad Chad, comedian Deb DiGiovanni, a Mulroney, and a superfan.

I have said (and kind of maintain) that the overly excitable "audience" is canned, but I've been informed by inside sources that there is, indeed, an audience, although what we hear from them is probably sweetened. How do regular Vancouverites like me get invited to sit in the studio audience? Maybe the audience is just friends and family of the camera operators.


In the show we found out that Bad Chad has been texting with Cocky Drew. BC sees CD's point of view. I can just see a spinoff series starring these two dudes.

Bachelorette Canada: The confidence game

I'm back! Just in time, too. But listen, I had a semi-good excuse for my tardiness last week. We moved house. Never a fun time. But we're all settled in now (for the most part) and I finally could sit down tonight and watch last week's episode. Here's what I noticed:

The gang started with a group date in Jamaica. Jasmine took her fellas to a rooftop ratty tennis court to learn some dance moves from a couple of local dance hall guys. Is that what it's called? Not sure. Doesn't really matter. Jasmine is looking for confidence more than dancing talent. Good thing.

Cocky Drew says he walks "the fine line between confident and cocky." I'd say that line is so fine as to be practically invisible.

JP, the nudie, probably has the most misplaced confidence of anyone there. He says his canvas is his body. He's an artist, he says.

Once the guys have developed a unique move, they take the elevator down from the roof to perform on the streets. They stop to change wardrobes along the way so at least they look the part in the seconds when they walk out in front of everywhere before they start dancing.

Sexual Tongue Thomas dances like a stripper, Jasmine thinks. JP does a back flip I guess because he can. And Jas is impressed with Drew because he went for it "with full confidence." What else did she expect from him?

Mikhel surprises me with a nipple piercing. The unassuming aviation engineer is a freak!

Later Cocky Drew tells Jasmine he was engaged nine months ago. But he says it with his hand firmly on Jasmine's bare knee and gives her his patented look to make the sale. She bought.

Who is this Scott kid who showed up all episode? I'm sure he's been there all along, but I have no recollection of the shy guy from Winnipeg. Makes me think these shows should randomly add a new person into the mix without letting the viewers know. Just play it like they've been there all along. I'm sure most people wouldn't catch on. That is, if most people are like me.

She gives the rose to someone who showed confidence through performance and through conversation: Cocky Drew. He celebrates the next morning by strutting around in rose-adorned boxer shorts and laughing annoyingly. He tells everyone his goal is to "get lit."

The one-on-one date goes to Kevin W., the ex-marine. They get the first helicopter ride of the season. Remember when a helicopter would make an appearance every other episode? And alternating episodes would be rapelling down the side of a building.

Kevin says the last time he was in a helicopter, he jumped out of it into the ocean. What a stud. Except then we see that he and Jasmine are wearing the exact same shoes. They're unisex Chuck Taylors. They kiss in the air. She's drawn to how real it feels with him.

The chopper lands and the couple do a walking tour of a bat cave. Not nearly as cool as Bruce Wayne's Bat Cave, though. This one is filled with actual bats. Studly Kevin W. is wigged out by them. Jasmine just thinks they're cute.

A table and candles are set up somewhere inside the cave. They sip wine while dodging bat poop. He confesses he's a serial first dater. Says he must have been on a hundred first dates. Then he tells of the pressure he felt as a youth. His older brother was a real stud. Drafted by the New York Mets before a stabbing situation prevented him from ever playing baseball again. Kevin felt the pressure to live up to his brother's studliness. I'd say he succeeded, even if he didn't play baseball.

Jas gives Kevin W. a rose. He's got potential, she thinks. She says he's surprised her the most in every single way. They kiss. He admits that maybe he's only been on 50 first dates.

Another group date. This one includes David, the musician, who so far is 0-for-5 on dates. Going dateless this week is Chris. Cocky Drew cackles over that.

The gang arrives at what looks like a kindergarten. They are to make art with a bunch of local very cute kids. And the guys are all great with them. Mikhel is a little less fun than the others, but still fine. Whoever impresses her the most gets to go on a date with her.

Andrew likes kids because he says he's on the same maturity level as them. Giant Kyle has a blast, dancing around getting glitter everywhere with his kids, although he has very odd sweat marks on his thighs and crotch. And Kevin P. also has a great time. He totally reminds me of a better looking Rob Schneider.

David, the musician, tells the young girls he's paired with that he's a singer. Jasmine is wondering if he's there for her or to showcase his talent. She wants to see the real David. But what I think she's missing is that David is a singer because that is who he is as a human being. That is him being real. He's not just a guy who decided to become a singer; he's a singer because he's a singer. So I think she's judging him a little harshly. She says his singing "just doesn't let up."

The winner, she decides, is Kevin P. Their solo time is rained out so they just sit on a covered balcony, sip wine, and talk. He tells her he's spent the past four years on the road, where one ends up saying goodbye a lot. She asks if he wants to be a dad. Usually on these shows, the person doesn't hesitate. It's always just, "Oh my God, yes, absolutely! I want a dozen of them!" But Kevin P. paused. He said there was a time when he didn't but now his nieces are making him reconsider. Then for some inexplicable reason he shares a story of his 4.5-year-old niece asking him on the way to the airport, "Uncle Kevin, are you going away because you're scared to love?" You just know his sister planted that thought into her little head.

It gives Jasmine pause, though. Wasn't just a cute little story. Now she's thinking the kid might actually be on to something. But she gives Kevin P. the rose anyway.

Hanging around the pool at the resort, Cocky Drew feigns an interest in Chris's plight. He suggests Chris ask Jasmine what her 5-year plan is, then turns his back on Chris and mumbles to Kevin W., "knowing full well that she hates that." But Chris, as Cocky Drew always points out, is no dummy. He saw right through the advice. Chris thinks Drew is "malicious." Cue the dastardly Cocky Drew laugh, which we heard all episode.

At the cocktail party, Mikhel stole Jasmine first. Not only that, but he led her to seclusion and then kissed her long and hard before even speaking. Or maybe his nipple ring was caught in her dress. Hard to say.

Earlier in the classroom, Jasmine told the guys she's not a big fan of presents; she much prefers a gift someone makes themself because it means so much more. Someone was paying attention because Mikhel whipped out a very crude string with a piece of coral on it. He called it a "necklace." Then he said with a straight face, "I love making things."

Dateless Chris knew he had to get some time in. He told the cameras, "I'm hanging by a thread. But then again, so do spiders. And that's where they do some of their best work." He interrupts Mikhel. Chris tells Jasmine he never made the sports teams when he was young so when he was living in Saskatchewan he started a non-profit group for kids. Humble brag.

When he gets back out to the guys, Cocky Drew is curious how it went. He asks Chris what they chatted about. Chris said, "Five-year plans." Then he quickly admitted he was kidding and yammered on about connections. I thought he should have left it at those three words and walked off. Would have driven Cocky Drew insane.

Kevin W., with a rose already, then interrupted Shy Scott, who was telling Jasmine again how shy he is. Other fellas don't like it. I'm not a fan of it, either, but why didn't they just go and interrupt Kevin W? Turnabout is fair play.

(On the After Show, Kaitlyn and Shawn were guests, and they both were in favour of such interruptions. She said she wanted Shawn to come and make a connection even though he had a rose. But the rose means you'll be there for another week. He's got a whole other week to make that connection.)

So the two Kevins and Cocky Drew have roses. Two will go home tonight. My prediction was they'd be JP and Shy Scott. Then again, while they were lined up, I got a glimpse of Mikhel in capri pants and could understand if he were let go just based on those. And Thomas's chapeau wasn't helping either. But let's see if I'm right. The rest of the roses went in order to:

1. Andrew
2. Mike
3. Giant Kyle
4. Mikhel
5. Chris
6. Thomas, who removed his hat to greet Jasmine like an old-timey gentleman
7. David
8. Benoit

Nailed it! That means buh-bye to JP and Scott. Neither was too upset.

Next week they head back to Canada. They'll be in Benoit's hometown of Montreal. There he can show off his masterful French-speaking ability.

The After Show has gone overboard with the canned audience. Someone's really riding those levels so that everything is a massive cheer. There's no way a Canadian audience pulls that off for half an hour. The only way I'll believe there's a studio audience is if they turn the cameras around and prove it.

Other than that (and host Jenn's bad case of "oot and aboot"), I like the show. They get good guests and it gets spirited and fun. Kaitlyn, who is not a Cocky Drew fan, said she knew, though, that the show needs a villain otherwise people wouldn't watch. I respectfully disagree. That's a relatively recent phenomenon and people always watched. There are always people who are going to be less liked, but I don't think the producers need to artificially enhance anyone's villainous qualities or attract contestants they know will take on that role.

Agree? Disagree? Is anyone watching this? I know some of my readers have been in the United States and so they can't watch this, but is anyone else out there? What are your thoughts?
(Do I sound desperate? I'm not. Just curious. Like Cocky Drew.)

Bachelorette Canada: A line is drawn

Maybe my new thing is to post these "recaps" on the eve of the next episode as a kind of refresher. Yeah, let's go with that. Instead of an immediate recap, it's kind of a trip down memory lane. So here is the second update of Bachelorette Canada.

The gang is in sunny and warm Jamaica this week. One hallmark of the Canadian versions of this franchise is that they always give many verbal plugs to wherever they're staying. They get as many of the participants to casually mention the hotel in conversation. I counted three verbal plugs and as many visual ones. I guess I understand it but it does give off the vibe that we just don't have the bucks to produce a show without as much help as we can get.

Jasmine says Jamaica is the "perfect place to fall in love." Easy there, Juliet. It's your second time meeting these yahoos. And that was the other talking point. We heard "it's the perfect place to fall in love" from a few of the guys, too.

Host Noah walks in to a round of applause. There must have been an applause sign behind him. How does anyone know who he is?

The one-on-one date goes to Thomas and his man-bun. One of the guys tells him he only has a couple of hours to get ready so he better start brushing his hair. Burn! Jasmine picked the international model because he's "a dreamboat." What was her nickname for him? Old Sexual Tongue? I'm sure she's hoping to experience some of that slimy muscle.

They go 4-wheel driving in an all-terrain vehicle then proceed to drive on one terrain, an nicely coifed dirt road with one puddle. They stop at the beach for a picnic. He tells her about his start in international modelling. He was working for his father's construction company when he fell off a roof and broke both ankles. Since it is a well-known fact that international model agencies prefer men who hobble due to injury, his path was all but chosen for him.

He got the rose and SWAK. She's wearing a skin-toned bikini bottom so every time I see her walking, my first thought is that she's naked from the waist down. I mean, it's Canadian television so it's not completely out of the realm of possibility. We hear the occasional "shit," too. That is, they don't bleep the word; it's not that they put microphones in the outhouses.

The stand in the water and kiss some more as drones fly up and give us all angles from above.

Calgary Chris, the inventor, got lots of screen time this week. He's not one of the 'roid monkeys. He said there's "more that I think about in a day than what I'm eating and what I look like." Needless to say, Cocky Drew doesn't trust him. Chris draws the line between the thinkers and the Toronto bros. Other than Chris and Drew, I'm not sure who falls into which category.

Next is a group date. Jasmine and eight of the guys go to a recording studio where Bob Marley recorded his greatest hits. (Bob Marley the reggae dude, not Bob Marley the comedian.)

Drew tells us that every one of his "serious exes" is blonde, blue-eyed and beautiful, so Jasmine is right in that realm for him. In other words, she'll make a perfect serious ex.

They walk into the studio and Jasmine says, "You can smell the history" and not one person makes a gange joke.

The challenge is that the guys will be in two groups, each composing and singing a reggae song for her. The winning group goes on a date. Drew is not liking the challenge. He's a salesman, he reminds us unnecessarily; not a performer. "I'm from the Six but I'm not Drake, okay?" (By the way, the Six is hands-down the lamest nickname for a city in the history of city nicknames.)

Chris is up for the challenge. She calls him Quirky Chris. I like Jasmine. She does all the work for me. And this nickname rolls off the tongue better than Sexual Tongue, ironically. She should come up with a better nickname for Toronto.

Drew's foursome is loathsome. Not a one can carry a tune. They call themselves, unspectacularly, Bachelor Quartet. Benoit warbles in French, still under the misguided impression that his thick Quebecois accent is sexy. She says it's his "go-to move to impress the ladies." Yeah, because speaking in your first language is so impressive. The group is so bad that Drew doesn't stand out as any worse than anyone else.

Chris' group comes up with a great name: The Jazzmen. Or maybe they'd spell it The Jas Men. Not only can each one of them carry a tune, they also all give it a real reggae vibe.

But then she says the craziest thing. She says they both did such an incredible job. She even gives a fake pause as if she's mulling over her decision but eventually awards the right group with the win.

In the date, she admits to having a thing for Seth. She thinks he reminds her of Justin Trudeau. She says our dashing prime minister is her biggest crush. Come on, producers. If you can't get JT in for a guest appearance (preferably shirtless), you've failed a nation.

She tells Seth he stands out the most out of any person there. She likes that he gets along with the others but is kind of shy. He says he's totally shy. Then to prove his point, he kisses her and rams his decidedly Unsexual Tongue down her throat. She mumbles, "Not so much tongue." At least that's what we think she said. It was hard to understand her given the visiting tongue lodged in her mouth.

He said he was nervous. She told us it was not the kiss she was looking for. Well, lah-di-dah, Miss Picky.

Kevin, I think it was, walked in on the tongue attack. Awkward. So off goes Seth. Kevin asks Jasmine what she and Seth were talking about. She deflects, saying, "Let's just talk about us." Stung by what he witnessed, he said, "Is there an us?" He proceeds to grill her, but she likes it. And then they're interrupted by "Ten feet of Kyle."

She gives the group date rose to Kevin because of the questions he challenged her with. That caught him by surprise. He said the conversation is more important than making out with someone he doesn't know.

A smaller group date goes to the beach to sumo wrestle. Only because we're in Jamaica, it's called Jamaican Beach Wrestling. But make no mistake, it's sumo wrestling.

Kevin W says he's more of a lover than a fighter but his look belies his words. He's all muscly and has lots of tatts. Just goes to show: You can't judge a book by all its tattoos. The fellas call him Captain Canada because he's apparently an ex-marine, ex-Navy Seal, ex-doctor, and ex-nurse. I don't think all those things can be true.

The final is between Naked JP (who's mercifully not naked during the match) and Captain Canada. JP has no definition. Remember they dubbed him No-pack Shakur? Looks like Captain Canada would win easily but JP used to wrestle in high school so he knows what he's doing. And JP pulls out the victory.

Even though JP won the match, she's taking all the guys out because JP isn't ripped enough for her taste. They play Spin the Bottle Truth or Dare. She wants to see if they can take things a little more seriously because what better way than by playing Spin the Bottle? JP gets all serious by agreeing to strip naked.

Mikhel had his heart broken twice. Captain Canada has never cheated on a girlfriend but has been cheated on. He takes her away in the middle of the game. His backstory is he joined the military at 20 and served for five years. That's that.

She tells Captain Canada her parents split up and she was raised by her mom. Her father struggled with addiction and alcoholism and died when she was 12.

She tells Mikhel he's a super man and super hot, but she gives the rose to Captain Canada. Both roses were decided through conversation. And both went to guys named Kevin.

Cocktail party time. David had no date. He's the "Top that!" guy who played with a string trio. He asks her about her family. Dude, weren't you paying attention? We just saw her answer Captain Canada!

She tells Mikhel he looks like Clark Kent and didn't mean it as the insult it sounds like. She said, "If you knew how good looking you are, you wouldn't be as good looking as you are..." Or something like that. It was very meta.

She rubs the back of Mikhel's head, basically begging him to kiss her. He complies. His hands tremble, but this was the kiss she was hoping it would be.

Seth is feeling confident, but she tells him she wasn't thrilled with the awkward kiss. He agrees it was awkward and says he was distracted and that he wasn't even listening to her half the time she was talking. Bold move. Women love it when you tell them that. Seth, don't give away our secrets! You're breaking the Man Code!

She asks him if he's ever kissed a person with feeling. Leading the witness, your honour! He admits maybe he hasn't, then asks her if she's ever been in love. "Of course! Haven't you?" she replies. He says, "I dunno. Maybe once." She tells him he's emotionally disconnected. He tells her he can fix that and asks her to give him another shot. After all, he still looks like Trudeau. (Actually, I thought he had more of a Matthew McConaughey vibe.) She tells him he was her favourite. Past tense.

Rose ceremony. Sexual Tongue, Captain Canada and Kevin P all have roses. The others go in order to:

1. Clark Kent
2. Benoit, who when asked if he'll accept her rose, answers with, "Avec plaîsir." Shut up.
3. Ten Feet of Kyle
4. Andrew... ?
5. Top That!
6. Cocky Drew
7. Nudie JP
8. Scott Who?
9. Winnipeg Mike
10. Quirky Chris

That means Wallay and Seth are gonzo. Seth walks up to her on his way out and says, "It's okay. I just don't think the connection was there. It's not a bad thing." She just laughs him off.

The After Show got their canned audience plugged in right off the top this week. And Jenn is more relaxed and fun. Although she's living up to the stereotype. I don't hear "oot and aboot" thing too much. It's a gross exaggeration when Americans say we say that. But I definitely heard it from Jenn.

One of the guests was comedian Daryn Jones. I'm pretty plugged into the comedy world and I'm not familiar with Daryn. He was pretty good, though. But producers, there's a wealth of comedic talent in Vancouver. Why not use some? Did you know Dino Archie was on Jimmy Kimmel a few months ago? And did you know what he talked about in his standup routine? The Bachelorette! He's right under your nose!

Not much to report. Or anything, really. So I'll leave it at that. And I'll be back again some time before the airing of the fourth episode.

Bachelorette Canada: Here we go

I'm getting into a real bad habit here not posting a recap until the day before the next episode airs. So sue me! But before I get to it, I received a comment on the last blog post that I should copy and paste here for anyone interested:

Just thought you and your readers should know! We are excited to announce #Bachelorweek, a chance to talk face to face with your favorite cast members from seasons past, all from the comfort of your own living room. Live on Bidchat.com! Former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants will be live throughout the week, starting on 9/19. You can watch for free, or bid in to meet them face to face! Proceeds go to #smiletrain. @Bidchat

Promo Video here: https://www.facebook.com/Bidchat-746770305450967/

There you go. Now on with the show.

Canada has played host to two other Bachelor seasons but this is the first for a Bachelorette Canada. Exciting, right? We'll see. It airs on the W network, whatever that is. I searched for it and set the PVR up to record. Then, since I was at the TV at the scheduled start time, I just turned to that channel. The information guide said it was Bachelorette Canada but what was airing was Sex and the City. Almost the same thing but not quite.

I had to search and search before I found it. By the time I got there, the great Jillian Harris was giving advice to our own Bachelorette, Jasmine. This is going to be the greatest episode ever, I thought (since Jillian was the greatest Bachelorette in Bachelorette history).

I may have jumped the gun a little bit. It seems slicker (in a bad way) than the old version and the American versions. But time will tell. It's hard getting used to new digs and a new host. Not even old whatsisname from the two previous Canadian versions was back. There was some new dude. A guy by the name of Noah Cappe. So far, no personality but in fairness, he was probably as nervous as Jasmine. Oh, and Noah appears to be a giant. Either that or Jasmine is a tiny, perfect person.

Twenty "amazing men from across the country" converged on Vancouver to meet our heroine. I think the show should have had a token American or Russian on, just as the American version always has a token Canadian or Russian.

The limos pull up in the rain. Did I mention this was Vancouver? You know, for those of you outside city limits, Vancouver has a probably deserved reputation for its rain. That being said, the sky is blue all summer long without fail. Maybe the producers can look into shooting during the summer months in the future to help our bad rep.

And here we go. Filing out of the limousines were:

1. Kevin, a firefighter from Waterloo. I believe they said he is also an ex-marine. I had no idea Canada had marines. "I wasn't nervous till I seen you," he said as I cringed. He should have added "eh" to complete it.
2. Wale, pronounced Wall-eh?, a 28-year-old occupational therapist from Winnipeg, who loves to say wow.
3. David, a 26-year-old musician from Windsor. He's so normal he had to repeat his name four times in hopes that Jasmine would remember him.
4. Drew, a 32-year-old vice president of a medical company. A born salesman, he's a bit too much. Says he can sell ice to an "Eskimo." I think he means Inuit.
5. Benoit exits the vehicle to the accompaniment of French accordion music because he's from Quebec. Uh... okay. He's a 29-year-old maitre d' in a high class Montreal restaurant. He speaks French to Jasmine in his thick Quebecois accent. Not too sexy.
6. Mike, a 29-year-old shirtless firefighter/paramedic from Winnipeg pays the limo driver to take off with the other guys in the back. The limo driver does. But he comes back.
7. Andrew, a 29-year-old from Toronto, arrives with a red box. We don't find out what's inside.
8. Taylor, a 31-year-old oil field equipment manager from Collingwood, Ontario, wherever that is.
9. Kyle, a true giant from Hamilton. He's old and tall. 36 and 6-foot-7. He has two cats that he treats like his children, of which he has none. He knelt down when meeting tiny Jasmine.
10. Kevin P. is the only Vancouverite. He's a 35-year-old deckhand who plays the ukulele. He wrote her a song that's actually pretty good. He's smooth. Then he goes inside and pukes his guts out; claims food poisoning.
11. Chris is a 30-year-old inventor from Calgary whose big invention is a burning rose. Good luck with that.
12. Dana, 30 years old from Gatineau, backflips off the limo because why not?
13. Tony is a cowboy from you'll never guess where. Calgary! Who'd a thunk it?! He's 27.
14. Eddie, a 32-year-old from St. John, nervously set up a telescope.
15. Scott, a 27-year-old carpenter from Winnipeg, made Jasmine a box. That's two boxes so far and three guys from Winnipeg.
16. Seth is a 25-year-old bartender from Edmonton and amateur photographer. He took a selfie of himself with Jasmine.
17. Mikhel is a 28-year-old from Ottawa who might be an aviation engineer. He works on helicopters and rides motorbikes. He loves his choppers, I guess. He also loves announcing what he's going to do. "I'm gonna plant one on your cheek and then we'll meet inside," he told Jasmine. Thanks for the heads-up.
18. Ross is a 31-year-old welder from Halifax who recites haiku with long, pregnant pauses.
19. Thomas is a 30-year-old international model from Regina... Wait, I don't think I read that right. Regina? Model? Seems to check out. He has long Fabio-like hair. He claims he's a deeper individual than some.
20. JP is a 27-year-old butler in the buff. And he arrives like he's on duty with only an apron. When he walks away, we see his bare bottom. The guys tease him that he's No-pack Shakur for his lack of definition in his midsection.

Yes, these guys are as generally shallow as the Americans. That's all women are looking for in a husband – abs. And they are all single because...?

The host (remember Noah?) enters the mansion with his arms in a welcoming extension saying, "Gentlemen." Nobody knows who he is or what he's doing there. He offers them advice based on his expertise of being on the job almost a full 30 minutes.

The guys take turns taking Jasmine aside. Again, doesn't look good on Vancouver or Canada that we can see their breath.

Cocky Drew is in full sales mode, jumping in head first to talk about his family. Thomas the creepy model is next. She thinks he's "really pretty." I think when his modelling days are done, he could get a job as a magician in Vegas. But she's turned on by his lips and hair, and has given him a little nickname: Sexual Tongue. Catchy.

David, the musician, plays her a song on the guitar. Right on cue, a string section walks in and accompanies him. What are the odds a cellist and a couple violinists just happen to be in the house? Even the guys admit he is good. When his song is done, he stands up and says to the gathering herd, "Top that!" Jasmine, who was so turned on a moment ago, was suddenly turned off by the bravado.

Jasmine has a tattoo on her outer forearm that reads "explore." She got it on a Taco Tuesday in Bali where if you buy a taco, you get a free tattoo. She sounded serious when she said it, too.

Cowboy Tony is drinking too much. It always has to be somebody. He tries to interrupt JP, who's now fully dressed, as he's talking to Jasmine. But in a first, both JP and Jasmine shut Tony down. I've never seen that before.

Here's a piece of useless trivia: Jasmine's favourite colour is "seaform green." That's the most specific favourite colour I've ever heard.

Mike, the sweet fireman from Winnipeg, says his mom died when he was eight, his sister left, and he's felt abandoned by women. Hence he's single. He's being honest and vulnerable.

Kevin W, the fireman from Waterloo, has been single for two years. He's ready for love. She says he seems genuine. And if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Humble Mike gets the first impression rose.

The party over, it's time to hand out 14 roses. Five men will go home. The roses go in order to:

1. Kevin W, the genuine fireman with the nice hair.
2. Drew, the cocky salesman.
3. Thomas, the creepy model.
4. Mikhel. Wow.
5. Giant Kyle.
6. Selfie Seth.
7. Scott Carpenter.
8. Andrew of Red Box fame.
9. Chris, the fire rose inventor.
10. Benoit, the maitre d'.
11. Wale/Wall-eh (sounds like a fancy way of saying Wally)
12. Kevin P, the sickie.
13. JP the nudie.
14. David, the musician who almost blew it.

Goodbye to Ross the welder, Dana the backflipper, Taylor from the oil fields, telescopic Eddie, and Cowboy Tony.

Next week, they're going to sunny Jamaica. What? They're not going to explore rainy and cold Vancouver? Apparently at some point in the season, they're going to go to Egypt, too. I think that's a first.

There's also an After Show, too, hosted by somebody named Jenn Valentyne. The guests are Olivia Gross Toes, Funny Daniel, along with TV presenter Erin Cebula (who I've always liked), and a superfan named Dani, who won some contest. This show is taped in Vancouver. They should have Vancouver-based bloggers as guests, don't you think?!

Is Olivia not working as a news anchor anywhere? Maybe they should allow her to host one day. But Daniel should always be a guest.

Daniel was being Daniel. He said if Jasmine was on his season, he would have shown a little more interest. She's got a hippie vibe and is very Canadian, he thinks. Then he said Kevin P. "looks like he's from American Psycho." But Olivia loves everything about Kev.

One weird aspect: For most of the show, there was no audience. I thought it sounded a bit dull. Then near the end, the producers either herded in a hundred or so people or else they found some canned laughter and applause kicking around somewhere.

There was an audience poll, just like they do on the American After Show, but there's no way anyone was really voting.

And that was week 1 of Bachelorette Canada. What did you think?

Bachelor in Paradise: The Final Straw

Thank God it's all over. I told you I was (and am) going to sit out the Nick season of the Bachelor. I will also never blog another Bachelor in Paradise. (I will be here for Bachelorette Canada, though, for any Canadian who's interested. Hell, even if you're from outside Canada and can't even watch it, why not check back here just to get an idea of how it happens in other countries?)

Bachelor in Paradise is the WORST! Sure, there are fun aspects of it, but at its core, the show is a piece of poo. After all the campiness and hedonism, they try to make it all about engagements? Gimme a break. It doesn't even work as a pseudo contest because late arriving contestants will always be at a disadvantage. We saw contestants want to stick around no matter who gave them the rose, whether they had a connection with the person or not, just so they could advance and not be kicked off. How is that about finding true love? On the other hand, if this were just a crass competition for money, then I'd totally get it. It would make sense then. The show is just all over the map. It wants to be all things to all people.

But I started this season, so I better damn well end it. Here we go...

Tiara is this week's sacrificial lamb. Like she's going to find a true connection in one week. No Tiara is not the one who always wore a tiara; she's the won who's obsessed with chickens – both alive and fried.

So this new person arrives and she's sitting off by herself and her date card. What a bunch of jerks. How welcoming they all are! Finally Nick went over and talked to her. What a fine, upstanding young man this Nick is. Then he returns with Tiara's date card only to take Jen on a date. What a jerk! Thanks for coming out, Tiara!

What drama! Nick and Jen go on a date. I wonder if Nick will get engaged to her? I'm on the edge of my seat!

At a carnival, they see a fortune teller. He's all-in with Jen, he says. He's "absolutely falling in love with her." So much so that he rubs her ass when they kiss.

Meanwhile, Brett is digging Lauren more than Izzy so he needs to tell her. He's going to give his rose to Lauren. Don't quite get why he needs to tell Izzy this, but he does. And Izzy takes it fairly well. I mean, she admitted she felt like an idiot because she got "full-on rejected" but she's got a fall-back plan.

She regrets her decision to leave what she had with Vinny to hook up with Brett, who she found hotter. She's going to beg for Vinny's forgiveness. It could be the most romantic thing she could do for someone. So she gives him a dingle. And that cad had the nerve to say, "Who's this?"

Izzy very clearly explained that she made a "huge, huge mistake." Sure, she only realized it when Brett dumped her, but that was just a coincidence, I'm certain! She told him she felt really bad, and everything. She also told him that she chose to leave Paradise in the hopes they could get back together "and things could be like a fairy tale." Sounds great, right? What man could refuse such an offer?!

Vinny was very, very ungrateful. He told her she "threw it all away for some guy with a lamp." He called her "shallow" of all things! When that happened, all feelings he had went out the window, he told her ever-so-coldly. "I just can't be with somebody like that." I knew Vinny wasn't good enough for her.

After hanging up on him, Izzy cried. She genuinely misses Vinny in a way she didn't, say, ten minutes earlier when she still thought Brett liked her. Then she has an anxiety attack and thinks she's going to throw up. "I feel like the shittiest person in the world," she said. For once her feelings were accurate.

The cocktail party is pretty useless. Since everyone but Wells is already hooked up, it's up to him to choose among three suitresses (is that the female equivalent of a suitor?): Jami, Shushanna, and The Worst Human in the World (I won't mention her name again). I thought Wells and Jami made the cutest couple.

Shushanna says she isn't going to hunt or chase Wells. That's not her style. She's an adult. "I don't fight for guys; I don't fight for love," she says. So she tells Wells she's leaving. He doesn't put up any resistance.

Finally, the rose ceremony – the most undramatic rose ceremony in history!

• Josh picked Amanda
• Nick chose Jen
• Grant nabbed Lace
• Evan drooled over Carly
• Brett opted out
• Wells foolishly went with the WHW

Brett's refusal to give Lauren his rose highlighted another problem with the wonky show. The next episode will include shagging suites. Lauren was a relative newcomer so he thought it was too soon in their relationship to hop in the sack together. I mean, maybe, but no one is forcing them to make sweet, sweet love in the fantasy suite. He could have slept on the couch.

When Wells chose the WHW, unlike the others who kiss, she one-armed hugged Wells. She is totally in this just for more TV exposure. Seriously the Worst Human in the World.

(One comment last week suggested that maybe I'm masking a deep attraction to the WHW. Hey, I've always said she was gorgeous. Just less so no with her Botox and collagen and her character flaws that no amount of plastic surgery can fix.)

Lauren, Tiara and Jami all went home.

Five couples remain and "everything changes," Chris Harrison told them ominously. They need to put their relationships to the test. Man, this show is just awful, have I mentioned that? You can't game love. They need to rework it.

The WHW is giddy (once again) at the prospect of having sex for the first time with a guy she's known for a couple of weeks. She was giddy last year, too. You'd think that in the last 12 months she might have done something about that. You think this virginity claim is all just her way of stealing the spotlight? I do.

Thankfully Wells breaks up with the WHW before he can stick it in her. She takes it well. Just looks sad. Then asks for one more kiss. She's not that upset because Wells isn't Jared. I think she's more upset at having to leave TV. So the WHW leaves the show and it may very well be the greatest day in franchise history.

And then there were four couples.

Grant and Lace get matching tattoos on their inner left wrists because that's never a bad decision. Actually, if you're going to inject permanent ink into your skin professing love, GRACE isn't bad. It's not fully committing to Lace. GRACE is a real word that can signify many things. If (ah, let's not kid ourselves – when) they break up, Grant just has to find someone else named Lace. Or maybe a Candace. Or, I guess a Grace. Or he could add "land" to it and get a big tattoo of Elvis' face below it.

Grant says the fact they got tatts speaks volumes about where they are in their relationship. Spoken like a guy with a sleeve and chest full of tattoos. Oh, and Lace's eyelashes are still ridiculous.

Evan and Carly go with paint you can wash off. Full body paint but they opt for doing it clothed because, ew, gross, it's Evan. It's also Carly's one-year anniversary of being dumped by the Professor (Kirk). She says if it happened again with Evan, it would be even worse. Uh, yeah. Because it would be with a guy she's better than. That always hurts more.

But they seem like the real deal. I mean, she was around all these hot male bodies and she stuck with Evan. That's gotta mean something.

Nick and Jen seem more distant but does anyone care about this storyline since they announced last week that he'd be the new Bachelor?

Amanda says that her family is the most important thing to her. Except, of course, for the six weeks every summer when national TV comes calling. She wants to marry Josh.

The last episode opens with the couples waking up in bed together. Carly's new favourite thing is waking up next to Evan. Lace wakes up with her big, fake eyelashes on. Maybe they're real after all!

Lace says she feels that if they don't get engaged, they're probably not going to make it. I hate to break it to her, but they're probably not going to make it anyway. But at least they'll always have those tattoos.

Nick says he could get used to looking at Jen for the rest of his life, but then he wouldn't get any more turns on the show.

I loved it when Amanda told Josh that her kids sleep with her. It didn't register with Josh at all. This could be the last night they sleep together.

You know how in every season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette, the person with kids always makes sure their date meets their children? Does it mean anything that Amanda got engaged without anyone in her family meeting Josh? Come to think of it, no families were harmed in the making of this season. Everyone was a grown up and could get engaged without meeting every aunt and uncle and sibling.

The ubiquitous jeweler asks Nick how many more times he's going to see him. At least one more time.

Evan asked Carly, "Will you freakin' marry me?" And she embraced his weird. And she hasn't met his kids, either.

Nick sniffles to Jen that he's not going to ask her to marry him. He does a full-on WHW impression, sobbing. He tells her, "Something's telling me to say goodbye." Yeah, it's probably the producers offering him the role of a lifetime next season.

I can't wait for Amanda's book on Josh when this is all over.

On the Dull and Glib after-show, Amanda says Josh doesn't moan like they showed him because she would have told him to stop. It grosses her out.

And that's that, folks. Hope you enjoyed it more than I did. See you for Bachelorette Canada later this week.