Bachelor in Paradise: Go home already!

Late musings on BiP. Who needs to read a recap right after you watched the show? Chew on this over the weekend and you'll be up to speed on Monday. And Tuesday, if they're going to insist on continuing this hectic schedule.

MONDAY

We started the week off with Evan, the 97-pound weakling, homing in on alpha male Josh's girl, Amanda. She was the one he came to paradise for, allegedly, so why not act on it? What does he have to lose? He's already lost all self-respect. What's the worst that could happen? She could (and will) say no. Oh, and I suppose he could get punched in the face by Josh. The editors keep hinting that he gets punched but it's never happened. Maybe one day. We can dream.

Evan interrupts the endless smooching from Josh and Amanda and presents her with a fake date card he made up. He takes her off to a tree house and creeps us all out by saying he's been watching her from afar.

While Amanda is trying her best to stifle a laugh, Josh is back at the make-out bunker chowing down on pizza. He groans when he eats, too. Or so we're led to believe. His moaning and groaning while kissing has become a running gag. It is my belief that the editors have simply taken out a few choice groans and are now inserting them in the soundtrack whenever he kisses or eats. I refuse to believe he's grunting that much.

Amanda tells Evan that she was "surprised" by him in the first week and suggests he should have said something then. Yeah, as if. She's touched by his chutzpah. He now has a glimmer of hope. And we know that's all Evan needs.

Amanda reports back to Josh as he makes love to his pizza. She thinks he totally got it. I guarantee he didn't hear a single word she said.

Turns out Evan totally misread what Amanda said. He reports to others that she came to Paradise for him and wanted to go out with him. Go figure.

Daniel does Vinny a solid and shaves his back for him. He asks Vinny why he didn't do this before he came and Vinny said he did but it grows back so quick. That's a true friend – a guy who'll shave your back for you.

Josh is a real sweater. As in he sweats profusely. Chris Harrison points it out and it's really noticeable. This will come into play later on.

At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony where two guys will be sent home, Christian kisses Sarah. Then Sarah wants to do a taste test with Daniel so she can figure out who to give her rose to. As he's about to go in for the kiss, a bee impregnates his chin. That's what we say in Canada when you get stung. But he kisses her anyway. She says it was good but not great. Hey, he had a bee sting! You try kissing someone when a bee just impregnated your chin!

Evan says there's no way he's getting a rose tonight so before he leaves he needs to take Josh's tongue out of Amanda's mouth one more time. He pulls her aside and warns her about the revelations in Andi's tell-all book. Apparently he was portrayed as a verbal abuser. Amanda should know, Evan thinks. I'm wondering how Evan knew. He got an advanced copy? Or did, perchance, the producers feed him excerpts so he could create "drama"?

Amanda consults her gal pals and Lace concurs, agreeing with Evan that she should be careful of Josh. "We've all told you," she said. Then she sits down to tell Grant about what Evan told Amanda about Josh (following me?). Turns out Josh is sitting right beside Grant. Good old flaky Lacey.

So then Josh has a man-to-half-man with Evan out on the beach. Josh says the worst thing is talking behind someone's back and gossiping. I think we all know now thanks to Bad Chad there are plenty more worse things one can do.

Josh tells Evan not to judge people, even though he (Josh) sometimes judges people himself. Evan handles himself reasonably well. He tells Josh he's too polished because he always knows what to say. In fact, Josh's polish has polish.

Josh tells Evan that Andi's book is fictional. Or at least the "story" about him is. Evan catches him off guard by asking if it's fictional, why doesn't he sue her for libel? There's a pause you could drive a truck through. Josh eventually comes up with, Why even acknowledge something that's so fictional? He'll take the higher road. He's not that kind of person.

Evan: "There's an ocean of words but there's no thoughts. He was spouting inspirational quotes to me." Nailed it.

Josh says people can see the connection he has with Amanda. He really makes sure of that, doesn't he?

Nick also warns Amanda about Josh. And sweet naive Amanda says she values both their opinions because "they wouldn't do that for no reason." Not the deepest of thinkers, that Amanda. She can't see any reason why two guys who've openly expressed their lust for her might want to trash the guy she's attached at the tongue to.

Rose time:

• Lace gives her rose to Grant
• Izzy hands hers out to Vinny
• Emily goes for Jared
• Amanda surprises no one with Josh
• Sarah crushes Christian by choosing Daniel
• Carly gives a platonic rose to Evan
• Haley and the producers give a rose to Nick

So goodbye to Christian and Brandon, both good guys but the producers can't have paradise full of decent people. They need drama! They need sex appeal! They need Nick!

And then... Caila!!! She is radiant. It's amazing how everyone generally knows everyone else's names as they enter for the first time. I had a huge crush on Caila and I couldn't come up with her name if you gave me all week. But I know that face anywhere!

All the guys are in love with her, as well they should be. The girls think she's too perfect, as well she is.

And in however many pathetic seasons Jared has been doing these shows, he's never lit up like he lit up with Caila. That girl is like G.E.

When Caila asks Jared on her date, he says he has to ask Emily first. What a gentleman. Although he would have accepted no matter what Emily said. He very passive aggressively tells Emily, "I really do like you. I mean that. Here's the truth: I feel like if I don't go, I might regret it." What's a girl to say to that?!

Emily tells him she wants him to go. She knows how to play the passive aggressive game, too. Then she tells the camera she's used to being the one to break hearts, not the other way around.

Jared and Caila go horseback riding. They kiss on the beach and I do believe it's the first time in history Jared has ever initiated a kiss. I don't like Emily's chances. Emily says she's prettier than, and just as sweet as, Caila. Not even close. Then she adds that Caila has "fat lips" so she's probably a better kisser. You can take that to the bank.

When Jared returns, he has the hard talk with Emily. And Emily this time out passive-aggressives him. She says she doesn't want to hold him back. Only it didn't work. Jared took the opportunity to bolt faster than Usain.

Emily says it's the story of her life. Guys always pick someone else "and they're always way uglier than me so there must be something wrong with me." She's half right.

Izzy, Vinny, Grant, and Lace got the first ever double-date. They went partying in a club. Lace almost got in a fight. There are tequila shooters and suds dropping from the ceiling. Lace on the floor has her face humped by Grant. It reminds her of high school, she says.

Back in Paradise, Carly, Evan, Sarah and Daniel decided to have their own private double-date. Daniel pigged out on broccoli. The other three started a drinking game. Every time Daniel says "eh?" or "anyways" or does a push-up, the others take a drink.

Then Daniel and Sarah egg Carly and Evan on, trying to get them to recreate their "record"-breaking kiss. Carly is not amused. Evan is digging it. But Carly is warming to Evan. She says he's so nice but has "zero swag." If he just acted normal, she might like him.

On his way out, Carly asks him for a hug. Not a kiss. But a hug is a kiss to Evan. Hell, a sideways glance is an invitation to a kiss for Evan. "All I wanted was for him to be normal," she says. "Nope. Not good old Evan. He will not disappoint. He shall be weird."

Evan stumbles back to his room and passes out. For some reason, a producer tries to wake him. I guess he needed to talk to the camera. But he wasn't budging. The producer calls it a "medical issue." When the medic arrives, Evan is totally fine and can't understand why they're there. Do the producers  call the medics just for the drama? Yes. Yes, they do.

But Evan tells Carly he's felt loopy all day so she stays with him. Mission accomplished. She's falling harder now. She says she's attracted to weird and Evan's got both good and bad weird. Then he tries to hit on her, grabbing her as they lie on his cot. She rebuffs him for a second but then gives in. He's showing swag!

Meanwhile, Josh and Amanda are getting it on in bed. Amanda whispers, "You're so sweaty."

Next day Ashley arrives. I didn't recognize her at first.

TUESDAY

I still can't figure out how Ashley looks different. I'm thinking it must be plastic surgery, but that makes no sense because she's only 27 and she was beautiful before. So I Google it. Apparently she's been trumpeting botox. She's been taking it for preventative measures for a year now. Bad move. Also, I'm guessing, there's a bucketful of collagen in her upper lip. I shake my head. Yes, I realize the correct response to plastic surgery is it's none of our business and if it makes a person feel good, more power to them. But I can't believe everyone who gets some work done is always happy with the results. We all have ideal visions of out visages in our minds but that doesn't mean the doctor will be able to replicate what you're dreaming about. And if it comes out not the way they had hoped, can we not feel bad for them? Or even for ourselves? We're the ones who have to look at them.

Judging from my cursory Google search, there have been a number of former Bachelor/ette people who have gone under the knife. Closest to my heart is Jillian. Hope she's happy with her new look. I'm not but she shouldn't care about that. She was great before. Caila, if you're reading this, don't do it! Apparently producers have also encouraged and/or paid for some contestants to get work done. Boo.

Anyway, back to Ashley. She tells Chris Harrison her goal is to cry only three times. Harrison cheekily asks, "A day?" No, the whole time. Her goal is shattered twenty minutes into day one.

She says she and Jared are besties, but it'll never be strict friendship in her mind. He shut down any possibility of anything about five months prior. Yet she holds out hope like Evan. Maybe those two should hook up.

Jared says he was caught off-guard seeing Ashley. Why, exactly? I'd be caught off-guard if she wasn't there. The producers love a drama queen and there's no way she has a boyfriend in real life. It's a no-brainer.

So she enters and immediately starts running her mascara. She says she and Caila hung out and that Caila told her Jared is "so not her type." She is crushed. She thought of every worst-case scenario in her mind except that actual worst-case scenario. Now she thinks she should just go home. The twins talk her out of it. I'd have loved for them to say, "Yeah, you're probably right. Cut your losses and leave. See ya."

Ashley then goes off to cry alone. Or was she really alone? The editors made it look like she was talking to a parrot. Like a real conversation. Of course that didn't happen any more than Josh grunting with every bite and kiss. But I wonder who she was really talking to.

Then Ashley calls beautiful, perfect Caila a "backstabbing whore of a friend." Then she tries the "I should leave" thing with Jared. And he, of all people, talks her out of it! Come on! Call her bluff!

She has a date card and both she and Jared seem to consider Daniel her only option. Why is that? Nick is sitting around bored out of his mind. Why isn't he an option?

So she takes Daniel on a date and they have a wonderful time. She's the most human I've ever seen her. Daniel charms her with his Canadian sarcasm. He asks her if her virginity is a religious thing. It's not. He asks if she's interested in having sex in the near future? Is she curious at all? She gives a funny look but doesn't say anything. I assume that means, "Duh!" But who knows?

Then Daniel tells her dryly that he swings both ways only on Fridays. She plays along, asking who he has his eye on. He says it's Nick. He's 35 and has experience so he'd know what he's doing. Unlike most people in this show, Daniel doesn't deliver his line with a defensive laugh to show he's kidding. Well played. Luckily (or not), Ashley gets him.

He tells the camera that her virginity is "kind of a big turn-on." Maybe he can deflower this American beauty, he wonders. "Does she want some Canadian bacon with maple syrup drizzled on it? Maybe some Canadian sausage and bacon. Maybe she wants some Canadian poutine. I might get frisky real quick." You just know some people don't get him at all or just dismiss him as "weird." But he's pretty damn funny. And intentionally so. (If you don't know, another Vancouverite, Seth Rogan, wrote and stars in Sausage Party. Must be something in the water.)

The date ends when a bunch of traditional dancers come in and say they need to sacrifice a virgin. Then they carry Ashley away leaving Daniel sitting there alone. And that's that. Oh, if it only were so! But no, Ashley is still around.

Another new face arrives. "People might remember her as the more reserved one," someone said of Jen. Uh, really? Zero recollection on my part, but you know that by now.

More Daniel gold. Jen's date card is for time cruising on a boat. Daniel offers to pay her if she takes him. "Unfortunately it's going to be in Canadian dollars so it's not worth much these days." She goes with Nick instead, because that's how it's scripted.

Back to Evan's non-medical issue. An actress playing a medic tells him he needs to go to the hospital because his ankle is a bit swollen. He thinks it's ridiculous but again realizes it's a great opportunity to be with Carly. So he gets in the ambulance and the actress playing a medic puts an IV needle into his arm, drawing all sorts of blood, just the way an actress would do it. We've seen this clip in upcoming highlights for a while now. In the actual show, there was no drama attached to it. Nary even a mention.

Carly and Evan have fun with the fake doctor in the fake hospital and she realizes she's "reboarded the Evan train." She figures she was looking for a good person all this time and Evan is "one of the best people at heart" she's ever met. Aww! She likes him! Hey Mikey!

On their date, Nick tells Jen he came to Paradise "with a lot of hesitation." Yeah, he's always been really shy around cameras and publicity. They lie on a beach surrounded by creepy crabs. Why would anyone go to a beach in Mexico?

Meanwhile, back at Ashleyville, Nick talks to her like she needs to be talked to. He's firm and harsh but fair. He asks if she couldn't have mentally prepared herself a little better. Great question, right? Not sure anything registers with her, but maybe when she's rewatching herself over and over again in the years to come, something will sink in. He asks if she's hopeful that Jared will meet someone. Crying, she says no because she still likes him. Then Nick tells her point blank, "This isn't love; it's infatuation." Okay, okay, forget for a moment this is coming from a guy who's been on I don't know how many seasons of The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise and has been engaged a couple of times. His point is still valid.

Ashley affirms that it is, indeed, love. "No it's not. Not even close," Nick tells her. She screams, "You can't tell me that!" He replies calmly, "Yeah, I can. I'm certain. You're not going to be with him. I'm sorry. You will never be with Jared." Now I think there's a role for Nick in every future season. It can be a segment called, "Straight Talk with Nick" where he just tells it like it is.

Jared is extremely frustrated with Ashley's usual shenanigans. She tells him she's never felt this way about any other guy so it's hard to let it go. "How am I supposed to find another you?!" It occurs to me that maybe this is the out this virgin needs to prolong her chastity. She really has no interest in sex (or maybe is scared) so she pretends she's fixated on someone she knows has no interest in her. That way it can appear she's actively trying even though it's fruitless.

For the third time, Ashley brings up the option of leaving. "I should go fucking home," she says. "I don't want to be here. I sincerely don't want to be here for any more time." Please, someone put her out of her misery and send a car.

Something happens next week. But is it what was suggested? It looks like several people will arrive at once. And it looks like the perfect Caila will turn her back on Jared. And even Izzy will have second thoughts about Vinny, causing him to cry. We'll just have to wait and see. But only a couple more sleeps. Hang in there.